Hmmmmm......
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE::
WHEN A HUSBAND FVCKS UP
I got married in year 2012, 4 months to my wedding in June, hubby was transferred to the city of owerri and shuttles PH.
Well wedding went fine and marriage started fine only for our first child to be born with severe special needs in the year 2013. Stella, BV's , to say i saw hell is an understatement, I cried myself to sleep almost everyday, from the 4th month the child was born, went to almost all the men of God in this Nigeria, prayer houses, sewing seeds here n there, herbal medication always, we delayed going to the hospital which was one of the reason the child's condition worsened.
We finally sought medical attention after much back and forth, the child lived for 6years and later died. I almost ran mad because I closed every chapter of my life to be there for the child coupled with the fact that hubby was far away but always visiting and supportive.
We spent all our savings, no meaningful progress.
Now all the while, hubby sometimes comes to the hospital or crusade ground or wherever we are to visit or sometimes we meet at home. There was hardly any time for intimacy, I was always sad and crying. Paying attention to my marriage was least on my mind, I didn't even care. But once in a while, I'd complain he was receiving too many calls or he was spending too much time on social media etc. We had our quarrels etc, but more downs than ups, the home front was dysfunctional because I paid all my attention to this very sick child who was not walking, talking, sitting nor eating properly then I lost him and felt a part of me lost too, he was all I spent my time on and with.
I lost him about June of last year, hubby couldn't come immediately, came a day later after the immediate burial and prayers etc. So I noticed he spent time chatting on phone as usual. Did I forget to add that his phones are usually passworded, once I queried him, he said his colleagues were in the habit of picking up phones and checking up pictures which he didn't like as it was an invasion of privacy and I believed him and was less bothered.
So this time when he was around, I picked interest and for the first time, I picked the password and decided to snoop....
Stella, my world came crashing again. Imagine, I thought we were mourning, I didn't expect hubby to be exchanging love messages with a lady whom he referred to as his account manager. I confronted him and he came up with different flimsy excuses.
BVs, that day something, maybe my love for him died till date, I'm just there, he has begged, apologized, tried to make up in several ways but I can't help myself.
Pls Stella, I need your red pen, bv's especially the males, I need to read from you. I feel I'm punishing him, I no longer enjoy doing anything with him, i see him like any other person, no feelings. I'm planning to tell him to move on this year end because its more than a year and I can't still bring myself to love him at all, its no more there, my heart is blank.
Always I feel I didn't deserve that from him despite our sacrifices, i even insisted I attended the burial of my child so I can have closure because, I and the child suffered a lot and what if I was the one that died, he would have done worse, plus we are always quarrelling now because he's back and he's always complaining that I'm cold.
I don't see the situation changing anytime soon, i have forgiven him, but forgetting and moving on is difficult than I expected. I have prayed to God, cried , begged God to love him but its not working, rather i'm frustrated.
Please I have no one, no man anywhere, my heart is just there. I just volunteer and spend time helping at some orphanages and some special needs children home.
In addition, I married a virgin with very high expectations of a lovely marriage, he's not a bad man either but my heart is unable to give him a second chance, I can't bring myself to trust him again
In addition, I married a virgin with very high expectations of a lovely marriage, he's not a bad man either but my heart is unable to give him a second chance, I can't bring myself to trust him again
*All i can think of is what you went through......
You need help from this numb feeling......
Why dont you give him another chance?forgive him for this one and tell him you need time to heal.
If you try everything and nothing works,then by all means take a walk!!!
Find it in your heart to forgive him, and maybe try for another child.
ReplyDeleteShe needs counselling urgently
DeletePoster if and when you decide to follow this advice☝. Please let him go for hiv, syphilis, and hepatitis test before you decide to sleep or have another baby with him. Afterwards always use protection. My big aunt had a beautiful marriage with her cheat of a husband. So we thought! Till my cousin recently told me her mum has hiv courtesy her darling husband she always forgave who recently died. So please do the needful when you decide to forgive. Most women married to cheating partners always ignore this bitter truth for reason best known to them.
DeleteI asked this question down there, no one replied. People married to a cheating husband do they take the men for a test just once or every single time before they allow him to get close to them. Because if just one? Then what is the main purpose of going for test a single time when he doesn't cheat for just a single time but even more afterwards?
DeletePoster please follow anoy 15:28 advice before sleeping with him again. Sometimes distance in marriage makes it difficult to to Manage relationship.
DeleteBlackberry, I don't think now's d'time to try for another baby..
DeleteThis woman needs a break, she needs to seek help!.. She needs to heal from a lotta things..
And pls poster, when and if you forgive your hubby and decides to 'be' with him again, kindly advice the manchi to go for tests, make sure he's medically clean, ka I ghara ibute ofu ife.. Ka I maragodu nke Ina Aya Aya..
There are a whole lot of amazing advices from bv's here, I bet you will be pleased..
Much love & lights.. 🧡
What are u people even saying sef🙄...she said for a yr now she cant bring herself to love him, I suggest she seeks psychological help and also go for counseling n see if dat helps..if not, take a break faraway from ur husband n see if u get to miss him or something
DeleteIf none works, take d big walk!
I feel so sorry for u, I could imagine how u built ur world round ur child..then u lost him. So sad.
This post just broke me. I am so sorry for your lost. Please try as much as possible to heal from your lost so that you can be yourself again. It show that nothing matters to you again. May God come through for you. It will definitely end in praise
DeleteA woman NEVER forgets the way a man treated her when she NEEDED him most!
DeleteThis happened when you two should be busy with what happened to your first fruit. That is why you feel the way you do.
You are full of resentfulness for him now! NOTHING is wrong with you. What you feel is NORMAL.
It's only him that can make it up to you and bring you on board again. Unfortunately dem no dey train naija men on how to make it up by their women.
My advice; allow your self time to heal. Seek the help of the holy spirit to direct you on the next step in your life. If God still wants him for you; he'll open your heart back for him. If he doesn't (depending on the gravity of what he sees in secret); he will connect you with another deserving soul.
All the best
I think there is more to the numbness than just your husband’s infidelity. You are still mourning the loss of your child and at a vulnerable stage when you found out about hubby’s extra marital activities.
DeleteRemember that intimacy was gone as you were busy caring for your child. Like you said, your whole life sort of revolved around your child and he was your main focus - although it doesn’t excuse hubby’s behaviour, it mitigates how or why he would behave the way he did. It could be his way of dealing with the pain of not being able to help you with an unwell child; it could be his way of dealing with feeling helpless (agin it doesn’t justify his behaviour in anyway, just trying to make you understand).
You have said he is a good and helpful man. It may be worth trying bereavement counselling alone and then marriage counselling together to help you both come to an understanding of what happened.
You can take this time as a learning curve and likelihood is that your marriage will grow in strength, perhaps have another child and live the happily ever after marriage you ever dreamed of.
Based on what you’ve said, I think it’s worth trying to save your marriage if you can.
Took me back to when my mum told me my dad had sex with her the day dey buried my brother. My mum was in shock for over a week so I wonder how he could av an erection....sighs
Delete@anon 01:18...wow, just wow..it your dad, so I will let this slide...
DeleteReading this was so hurtful and emotional ,
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine all you went through, my mom buried 4 children before us,
While seeking God , you also need therapy , you need counselling please open your heart to healing you've been through so much but you need to live again,
For now focus on your emotional and physical healing if you dont heal you cannot let go ,
Please seek counselling .
I wish I could do something to put a smile on your face honestly.
Sorry for your loss poster...He is a bad man, any man that can exchange love messages with a woman when he is supposed to be morning his own child is bad. Any man that has cheated or is capable of cheating will hurt you in the long run. Find another man that can love you unconditionally without cheating.
DeleteDear Poster. Numbness is a stage of grieving. Soon the anger and pain would come.
DeleteFor now though focus on you.
You did a good job raising the child all this while mama
See it as a seed. When the Lord would turn your captivity, you would be like a them that dream.
So talk to hubby take all the time you need and let go of the hurt
Hmmmm.... dear poster, so sorry for your loss and heart break,I really don't know what it feels like to be in your shoes, I know they hirt so badly. But I feel your numbness towards your husband comes from the place of the unhealed pain of your loss which he topped with his disappointment.
DeletePlease don't walk away from your marriage, first try to heal from the loss of your child, 6yrs of sacrifice that went into not is not easy to get over, you need to heal from that first. I'm so sorry you are going througj this, so sorry that your husband rather went ahead to pleasure himself than go through the pain with you. But please, give your marriage a chance, don't end it, ask for other kids if you so desire and see how the arrival of a baby will expedite ur healing process. Pls, don't walk away.
Do people still take their vows seriously? His nonchalant behaviour is over the death of your child is really alarming.Marriage has it ups and down but it seems most people mentally check out and put all the stress on their partner. You felt betrayed because he was supposed to be there for you, he was meant to be the shoulder you lean on but he was committing adultery like no man's business. I will advise you think about your self for once and be selfish. Live for yourself this once and do what is best for you. He is a cheat. You just never realised from the start. Apologising won't make him stop rather he will cover his tracks well next time. And don't let anyone tell you you both were not staying together so do you expect him not to cheat? Did you cheat on him all the while you were taking care of your child? Capital NO, so don't let anyone guilt-trip you.
ReplyDeleteAnon, your comment is very insightful. I'm not the poster but I've also learned so much from your comment. God bless you.
DeleteEhya.... Poster sorry about the death of your child. I believe you are still hurt. You need to get over it and you need to be around your loved ones for now till you heal properly. Maybe you need a break/vacation for now. It is well jare. Also, I think you should forgive your husband and give him a second chance. I know it's hard for you to trust him again (that is if he has fully repented tho) but you really need to try and see how it goes. but if doesn't work out, no biggie. It is well. the lord us your strength
ReplyDeleteI agree with you.
DeleteI agree. poster needs a break. she should stay with her parents or loves ones for the now. her son's death is still weighing her down. she needs a change of environment
DeleteSorry about your son poster, it must not have been easy for couples with the fact that your husband was hardly around.
ReplyDeleteYou lost your son, your husband could not come immediately, he had to come a day after.
What exactly was he doing?
What could have mattered most than being there with you to bury your son?
Your husband is not considerate.
He does not live in same city with you, and when he’s around, he prefers to be on the internet chatting and loving up with another.
That’s serious torture and you don’t deserve that.
I don’t blame you for not having feelings for him anymore. He neglected you, cheated on you.
Such a man does not deserve a second chance.
You have suffered too much, you need time for yourself.
Tell him you need sometime apart to work on yourself and if later on you both still want to be together, that’s fine.
*coupled with
DeleteGood advice Slutty.
DeleteI think you need to see a counselor .Taking care of a special needs child takes a lot out of you physically,emotionally,mentally and psychologically .You did admit you didn't pay attention to your marriage these past six years because you had to give your all for a sick child.There is no marriage that can survive without attention and care even without the added strain of caring for a special needs child.You checked out of that marriage long before you saw those chats. You need healing inside.Your child's death was also the death of your sole purpose these past six years.It probably feels like you are starting life all over again and you don't know what to do with a husband.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for the loss of your child.Please be comforted knowing that whatever sickness held him down on earth no longer has power over him.
This is the best advice I've seen on this matter. Kudos Kamikaze.
DeleteAnd Poster... It would be in your best interest to heed this advice
I've got kids to feed.
FR
advice to see a counsellor yes..but shes not to blame for the cheat of a husband. what happened to him being the supporting spouse yoo. haba must you point at the women...
DeleteKam true talk. She checked out of the marriage emotionally. Not intentionally, true but she still did. Counseling and patience might help. Good luck in ur future endeavors
DeleteFinally, someone tells her the truth. They didn't nurture their marriage, so by what miracle was it supposed to be easy and work? Husband was also hurting and reached out to the support he had. Babe, if you're not willing to work on the marriage, do yourself a favor and walk. You also need to seek help
DeleteYou guys just spoke my mind, husband was hurting and reached out to the support he had, she also was hurting and engrossed herself in her sick child. I believe the marriage can still talk, have a heart to heart talk with your hubby, and both of you should go for counselling. You were both not available for each other when it mattered most. I wish you all the best.
DeleteI concur with Kamikaze.
DeletePoster, this comment is the sad and bitter truth! Please go with it.
DeleteWell thought out Kamikaze and well said too.
That man was cheating way before everything. Stop making excuses for him. If the man checked out emotionally, society would have expected this woman to endure, and not cheat. How can the man be chatting side chick the day after his child died? I agree she need counseling though.
DeleteHusband was not hurting. He was selfish and inconsiderate. There's no excuse, nothing that will ever justify that kind of behavior. Cheating on your wife who is expending all her energy in taking care of your special needs child. If it were me, I will resent him for the rest of his life. She's even strong.
Delete@Dre..very selfish! This woman was carrying a load that was too heavy for her. He is the head of that team. You don't just check out on your team at such trying times. She also needed all the support she could get. What if she had sought for support outside too? They were supposed to be there to help each other through the rough patch. That's what marriage is all about, walking through the different phases of life with someone by your side.
DeleteMay the peace of God that gives understanding be with you and guide you. I know you are hurting badly hence the delay to heal.. Honestly, you need a break. Not from the marriage, but a break to rediscover... process your thoughts... and let go. It’s about you... Not your husband. The garment of motherhood is a life long task.
ReplyDeleteI will only tell you two things... First and foremost, give love another chance and see how it goes again. Understand this, there's no perfect man out there. Then the second one is, if you have check yourself and know it can't work anymore, then I will advice you to free him and take a walk than continuing living in pretense. Both of you deserve to be happy in marriage. But the first advice is a good wish from me to you. You alone can still make it work or not.
ReplyDeleteno sense. you are blaming her. now i know why you get constantly bashed here...twisted mentality
DeleteAwwwww.. I'm so so sorry ma'am. Sorry on the loss of your baby despite all your sacrifices.
ReplyDeleteI can't say I know exactly how you feel but I've experienced finding out being cheated on & it hurts truly.
You felt betrayed, you still feel it. What I think you need is a vacation alone. Perhaps, when you spend time alone, reflecting on everything, you might find closure.
Is your hubby still seeing the other woman? Does he still want your marriage? Oh well.. I wish you quick recovery in all areas.
❤️
Madam, they are scum, Love is not enough, give them the world they will still cheat, that’s the way they are wired, most of them reason with what they have down under than what is up there, but this your husband so, don’t leave him please I beg you, it’s never greener on the other side, if you leave him, after some time, you might want to give marriage another try, the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know, take a vacation, free your mind, think it over, cry if you have to, make the bastard go for std screening, but please take him back, with time you will look back and not regret leaving him, it is well, the Lord is your strength
ReplyDeleteAnd why do you always write chronicles that you are aging and "scrums" are scarce?
DeleteAnd don't forget that a scum fathered you. So you can see that you are scum too��������������������������������������
What if he gets her infected ?People will be saying all the time,"don't leave a cheating man,don't leave a cheating man" but they will never answer the most pressing question. What if he gives her Aids. Many women have gotten infected by their husband without knowing it and these men are getting treated. Why do you guys never give an answer to this most pressing question, whyyyyyy?? Hainnestt! Some will even say use a condom, like you can tell your husband to use a condom and he will answer you. Who out of all of you have ever succeeded in using a condom with a promiscuous husband and he gladly agreed. Poster please move on already if you value your life. Someone who cheats on you can kill you. Besides your husband doesn't seem like someone who deserves a second chance. Take a break from that union and clear your head.
DeleteAnd anything fathered by a "scum" is a -scumbag?
Delete😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
anon 15;20
Deletedon't you read the part that she stopped focusing on her marriage and put all her attention on her sick child ( may the soul continue to rest in peace ) ?
she said they had too many downs than ups and those downs might be when the husband asked for her attention.
I'm not supporting her husband for cheating or blaming the poster for pushing her husband away with lack of attention, but both of them should have known how to balance their schedules to create time for themselves no matter how small the time may be.
her husband put all his attention on work and side chicken and the wife put all her attention on the sick child.
shouting men are scum, remember say your papa, uncle, brother, nephew, husband/boyfriend and son follow for the scum.
Anon 15.40, you are right.
DeleteWhat about the poster's health and sanity? That is the most important thing. Many women fail to realise that they are replaceable in just minutes. In fact when they run mad people will be begging the man to move on with his life. There are many women who have lost their mental health due to marital problems.
The other day we had a chronicle where the poster was ready to have a torn vagina to satisfy her husband. And so many women feel forced to have sex so soon after childbirth on this blog.
Women, which way now? Biko, change starts with us.
Poster, focus on your own healing first. This is not about feminism, it's a human right, take it. You have suffered trauma and that needs to be addressed. You need support and counselling, not to be begged. The rest you can sort out later. First YOU!
Poster, Sorry for the loss of your lovely child. God be with you. You sound like a great mother.
My dear friend has just been buried, grape vine speculates she died of the dreaded virus, meanwhile her man is alive, strong and a chronic philanderer
DeleteReally? Chai you see! The man was tretaing himself while the wife never found out. I am sure she would have complained of his cheating ways but they would have told her,"All men cheat, stay there" nonsense. If you know your man is cheating and you are still there don't bother advising others to be like you. Just give your self brain and be treating yourself already like you already have it since you don't want to leave. Is it not better to be alone than have hiv from a randy man. Did you guys come to this world together? Is your health and existence in this world and the joy you bring to your loved ones just by being alive not important than that thing you call marriage. If you don't know sex is marriage and marriage is between two people and the moment your man cheats you have been released from that vow.
DeleteYes another chance.
ReplyDeleteBut please my lady friends, don't do only physical preparations for marriages/ pregnancies. Take time to do some spiritual preparations because Satan fights this godly projects a lot. Before each of the four out of the five kids God helped me to conceive
I went on 6 to 6 for a month and I can say that I enjoyed being pregnant/birthing. The first one that I didn't, there were unnecessary spiritual conflicts I had 😳😳
Poster google "lisungi mbula's testimony". It's also on YouTube. It will help you
🐦🐦🐦
My dear, pls take a hug... This is such a sad chronicle. May God comfort you. All you need is to let go of the pains of the loss of your child as he is in a better place. You were not a bad mum and don't blame yourself for what happened to him. God knows best.
ReplyDeleteAs for your husband, I understand how you feel after giving someone your love, body and commitment undiluted to be disappointed like that. Just remember only God is reliable and can be trusted hundred percent. I would advice you give him a second chance that's if he has truly changed. Ensure you go thru std screenings with him including HIV before having sex again with him. Start praying for him and don't stop trusting God. It is well my dear.
So if she starts having sex with him, would she go for the std and hiv screenings with him just once and continue to have sec with him regardless of not being sure he no longer cheats, while having it in mind he could be cheating still, or she would need to go for the screening every month till when she no longer suspects him of infidelity? Sighs*
DeleteAnon 15:53 of a truth staying with a cheating partner is really energy draining. Now what if at the time of going for test, the disease was not yet detected(as some infections can be detected after some time). How about the possibility of the cheating partner going back to their cheating ways?
DeleteNo one should give a partner they promised to love and to hold this kind of stressMarriage is supposed to be without fears.
mind you..people pay brides to med lab techs for false result. I am a witness to a couples story. woman asked for positive pregnancy test because she wanted to hook the man, and the hiv guy asked for a false hiv test result...ihe na eme nu uwa oo
Delete@anon 15:24...She should pray for him for what? If anyone needs prayers, it is this poor woman, and not the poster.
DeletePoster I understand your shoes, being betrayed by someone you love and care for is very disheartening, especially in those kind of challenging situations, but don't let it weigh you down, forgiveness could be very hard but you have to let go for the sake of your health, sanity and the God factor. Imagine those times you did stupid things both in secret and in the open, you begged God for forgiveness and He forgave, imagine if God did not. I pray God to heal your heart completely.
ReplyDeletePoster, sorry about your son's death. May his soul rest in peace.
ReplyDeleteIt is known that some men mourn by looking for distractions. Those men seek escape from their challenges/tragedy [especially in a family setting] by flirting with women or even running away from or abandoning their family. Having mentioned that ,I will say that what your husband did was very wrong.
ReplyDeleteWomen should also take note of this comment. This may just be the futuristic way to mourn
DeleteExactly. We had a special need child some few years back. My husband almost always away claiming work. He was hardly around. Infact na neighbour dey carry us go hospital. Sadly, the child died. I am grateful that God gave me strength to cope. I doubt if our marriage would have survived if the baby had stayed for long. He died exactly six weeks after birth. Now imagine what would have happened for 2 years or even 6 years like the poster. So yes. You are very correct, some men look for escape from their challenges through various means.
DeleteThen such men should not take vows
Deletelol..you think women dont flirt in such situations....bwaaaahahaha. continue to deceive yourselves
DeleteANON 18:17..keep living in denial. Your husband still cheats... Smh.. So according to u, your child dying is a blessing in disguise. Who did this to African women?
DeleteAnon 18:17. Your husband is a very wicked man! Sorry, I have to break it to you. Every marriage has its share of trials. Be ready o. He will take off again at the next hint of a trial. Can we stop making excuses for irresponsible men? They should learn to face life and all it brings. I know some families with special needs kids. You need to see the men around those children. Some take it upon themselves to give the child medications. A good man is a good man!
DeleteSo whenever there is any kind of trial, men can run away, cheat and then return with begging because this is their way of dealing with marital problems.
DeleteAnon 9.34 in fact you have written what else I had to say.
So sorry for all you went through. It is not easy to go through all that all still lose the baby at the end. But know this that everything happens for a reason and God knows why.
ReplyDeleteI plead on your husband's behalf and ask that you find a place in your heart to forgive him. Sit him down and have a heart to heart talk with him, watch out for his reaction and countenance then draw your conclusion. If he is sincerely sorry, you will see it.
Then as Stella said, if you need a little space to find closure, then so do so. You will be fine darling.
Sending you all the love you need dear.
Poster the reason you are feeling that way is because of your child you loss to the cold hands of death and your husband who is suppose to show you love betrayed you .
ReplyDeletemy advice may or may not work out fine because your husband may not wait that long. So you have to bear these two things in mind that your marriage might end or continue in love.
I will advise you to tell your husband to give you space for some time.
during that time , don't stay alone blaming yourself or your husband. Instead, use that period to do activities that makes you happy and also hang out with GOOD friends and families that make you happy. In your quiet times, think about the good times you had with your husband.
This will help you heal mentally and emotionally.
If you start missing your husband again, don't rush back to him immediately. Start talking with him on phone and exchanging sms with him. Until your love for him reaches its peak, only then you are healed to go back to him and live together as husband and wife.
but if after undergoing the process and you still don't feel anything for him , then know that the love and marriage has broken beyond mmekwatalism. at this point in time you are free to divorce him but remember the bible said " if you divorce you husband, you will NOT remarry until he is dead"
PS: while going through the healing process, communicate with your husband once once. it will help you rekindle the flame of dying love.
Shalom.
Chike God bless you for saying it the way it is. This man betrayed her when they needed each other the most. Your advice on point.👌
Deleteposter i know is very painful and hurtful what your husband did to you, your heart was broken cos of what he did to you but i want to say somthing forgive him and try to love him a alittle. Is not always good to be far from your husband, if you are not doing anything serious at the moment. Try and go and spend sometimes with your husband, you are still angry over losing your child. You need to heal and move on so that you can open room for new baby. Once you birth a new baby you will be able to love your husband and heal faster, try to give him another chance.
ReplyDeleteif everything fails then you can end it up with him.
Eiya, sorry for your lost madam. Please find it in your heart to forgive him. Give him another chance and then try for another baby maybe by then your love for him would come back again.
ReplyDeleteLoss
Deletebabies dont keep a couple..please stop spreading this falsehood. she can try to love him again, he truly hes changed. the delusion that a child will make a family stay is false. statistics have shown its the other way around. besides i am talking about happy homes. not those housemates nigerian couples practice in marriage
DeleteI am deeply sorry for the loss of your child,its only God that can comfort you,please be strong.Please find a space in your heart and forgive your husband.It is well sis.
ReplyDeleteHello poster
ReplyDeleteI know you have passed through hell and back. sorry about the loss of your child.
You and your hubby has never really lived as a couple. if you there's still any bit of hope for you for the marriage to work out... You both need to stay together. Either he transfers back to PH or you move to Owerri
Alot happened over the years and as you said the child took all the attention. But it didn't take his because he was like an outsider to you both.
You need to see things from his eyes and He will see things from your own Eyes...Then your healing will both begin.
All hope is not lost. You both can walk through the storm.
Nigerian pastors no get power/anointing atall.
ReplyDeleteNobody should tell poster to pray or forgive. Poster needs to see a therapist, poster needs someone she can talk to, poster needs time, poster needs love. No one should preach religion to her because she has done all that. Dear poster, I know your husband's way hurt you and you feel so much hurt. I want to tell you that you have a right to be hurt. sister, If you need to walk away then do it. You said you want to volunteer then do that. Don't let societal pressure stop you from healing and finding happiness again. They will ask that you stay with him, I would say no. Do what will make you feel whole again. Damn society and find yourself again
ReplyDelete👍🏿👍🏿
DeleteThank you oooo. She can forgive it's a must so she can heal. But she should stay and do what. Poster do you.
DeleteMost of you commenting here don't have a clue of what marriage is about. I'm very sure some of y'all ain't even married yet. You telling her to divorce her husband, so are you saying that if she divorces the guy she'll find love in the arms of the next man she meets and the new guy'll never cheat? And if the new man cheats and she finds out - divorce him and move on to the next one till she meets the perfect one like yours abi. At what age and after how many kids?
DeleteThere's a bunch of bitter people on this blog who always sees opportunity in spreading hate and bitterness to grieving/hurting women whenever they share their tales of woe.
Poster, please sincerely ask married folk who have remained married for more than 30 years and they'll tell you that there were difficult times they had to go through stuff like this. Forgiveness is divine and it can firm up a faulty foundation. Take time out to pray, heal and go for counselling.
Trust God to see you through this one.
You're married so you must know it all. You must be delusional. Out of all the comments I read up there, I can count on the fingers of one hand, how many I saw that prescribed divorce. It's all in your head. Quit projecting your problems on other people. Every one is entitled to their opinion, whether single or married. It's left for the Poster to sift through the comments and also apply her own wisdom as she sees fit.
DeleteI agree with anon 21.18 that all opinions on this platform are allowed except Stella, the true blog owner doesn't want them here.
DeleteNigerian women are marriage obsessed and use that to put others down. They preach endurance and tolerance of the most despicable behaviour. Yet they spend no time empowering other women by NOT gossiping, backstabbing and mocking other women. If they put more effort into true sisterhood instead of lying about the state of their own marriages and forcing seniority everywhere with their MRS title, many things we face as Nigerian women would have reduced.
By the way, I'm married and I see it as a great addition to me but not something to take away the dignity of other peoples opinions.
Sis, my heart breaks for you over the loss of your child and you are still very numb and out of it but I beg you to take time and go to therapy or counselling with your husband.
ReplyDeleteYou both played a part in this, i have to be very honest with you. You neglected your duties as a wife because your priority was your child and he sought intimacy outside because he wasn't getting any from you plus the long distance.
His chatting and always on the phone could be his way of dealing but it resulted to extra marital affairs. He was dead wrong for that, period.
Your marriage might be broken but not irrevocably so. You are a good woman, sis.. please, give him another chance to redeem himself. You both lost so much but y'all can learn to love again.
Persian I disagree. The only strong member of the family decided not to hold forth. There's a yoruba saying that when you care for the sick you need care yourself. How can she prioritise a grown man above her sick child and her almost mentally unstable and physically worn out self!!! Poster just cry out to God and pour your heart out to him. With him you need no pretense. I know someone who lost a child and almost couldn't handle the pain. But she kept bearing her mind to God and now she has a wonderful family. Express your anger, pain, disappointment, ask him to do whatever he knows will make you better and handle the pain better. You will be surprised. I commend you to God and pray that he who knows your pain like no other will comfort you and make you smile again. Peace unto you.
DeleteI'm so sorry about the loss of your child and all you went through with him. Losing a child is the hardest thing a woman would ever go through...no pain compares to it.
ReplyDeleteHave you even properly grieved for that child? You might want to look into some grieve counselling because this numbness you feel is one of the signs they say to watch out for.
As for your hubby,I am going to be brutally honest with you. I am a woman and I have also suffered the loss of child,albeit it was still born. You yourself admitted that while you were taking care of your child,you hardly had time for him,and the fact that you weren't living in the same city can only have made it worse. While I commend you for singlehandedly taking care of your sick child,you must admit that your marriage suffered for it. You are a mother and our child comes first,and nobody can fault you for that. You did what you had to do and your marriage took the beating for it.
Your husband has dissapointed you,but he is only human. It is only God that will not dissapoint us. While you were busy taking care of your baby,he looked for comfort elsewhere. I bet he didn't plan on cheating on you when he married you,but life happens. Your marriage was still so young when all this happened to you both and things were not properly handled. We are all humans and we make mistakes.
He has made a mistake and he is sorry for it. Please find it in your heart to forgive him if you can. Even if you decide to talk a walk,you still have to forgive him for dissapointing you when you needed him most. So you do not go forward into your next phase with so much bitterness and anger.
You feel numb towards him now,but you are still dealing with the loss of your child. Time is the healer of all wounds and soon you will begin to heal too. You will never forget your child ,but you can learn to smile again and be happy again.
You marries your husband because you loved him and wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. Its sad that life intervenes in that happily level after you had imagined,but such is life. Please try and forgive him so you guys can have a real marriage again. Thank God he's back in the same city with you again. The ball is in your court. You can love that man again if you really wantto,if you can just forgive him. You can never go back to the way you were in 2012 when you get married,but you can go forward and build a life from the ashes. I wish you well and I hope you decide to make your marriage work. There is no time frame to long we need to heal from a loss,take your time but do not give up on your marriage and your man.
Anon 15:49 this is the best advice,some people comment here like they are perfect but you just said the simple truth. God bless you.
DeletePlease ma, find it in your heart to forgive..
ReplyDeleteI know its very very difficult, because you alone felt the heartbreak.
Marrying as a VIRGIN doesn't justify good marriage. I know it should be a almost perfect fit for a marriageable journey, but it doesn't..
Things or actions should be taken because its the right thing to do, not for some benefits..
Please if you have a spare place to go, please go n clear your mind..
You need space n also get busy.
It's cool you visit orphanage homes n NGOs..
God will give you comfort.
DonT call it quit yet, find space and separate for now.. You DonT know what the future hold..
Stay safe and stay happy always.. Kisses
You guys need counselling. Go for couples therapy so you can have an objective conversation and if eventually it doesn’t work, you will at least have closure.
ReplyDeleteMy aunty thinks that you need time to mourn alone, so she’s suggesting separation, you know what they say, distance makes the heart fonder, if not you have time alone to yourself to find yourself and figure out what you want to do with your life, but she says you need time alone to heal.
Take care and my heart breaks for you.
Dear poster I will be cold and blunt today. Sorry on the loss of your child my dear, do u know u have a large portion of blame in the near collapse of your marriage. While I will not blame you for giving ur baby a 100% attention but in the process u abandoned also ur role as a wife. U might not understand, but do u know how many times he needed you but your attention was focused on your child which yes is normal but all am saying is this you confirmed here that you abandoned him too. My dear if he is sorry forgive and walk on your marriage or leave him already. The fact that you had a part to play no matter how everyone else disagree with me. My dear if the tables were turned around and he was so engrossed in something for 6 years madam u will 100% do as he did. Please madam forgive and mend ur marriage. My opinion.
ReplyDeleteyour opinion wrecks...
DeleteThe problem is dude didn’t try to get her attention anyway because he was enjoying flirting with others. She just said it was easy for her not to care what he was up to because she was focused on her child
Deleteyou mean 'reeks'?
DeleteDid you marry your child or your husband ?
ReplyDeletePple have different love languages. That you have a sick child doesn’t mean you shld ignore your spouse’s sexual needs.
This goes both ways
I don’t think your husband is a bad person.
The both of u went for crusades together etc.
As for those blaming him for not coming immediately after the child’s death pls take it easy.
It’s not ever job that you can just up and leave esp sales rep jobs.
Please give your husband another chance .
Some may say men don’t forgive cheating wives but na lie .
I know many men who have also forgiven their cheating wife.
As long as the story is not out there ,men forgive . That’s men and their ego for u.
Why is everyone saying she ignored his needs? Did she do that on purpose, was she having sex on the side too and only the man was starved of sex? They were both starved because she had a special needs child she was taking care of 24/7 round the clock.A child I am sure she brought her life to a standstill for, she lost her job for, A child they both brought into this world but due to circumstance the whole responsibility of physically taking care of him was dumped on her. Gosh! Are you all trying to tell me that through the 7 years of them been married they never had sex?Maybe not as much as they both wanted but I am sure they still did when the opportunity arose, so we need to stop pretending like she totally abandoned him like she tried to portray...typical women behaviour "always blaming themselves for the man's behaviour". Poster you did nothing wrong for taking care of your child, marriage is a call to selflessness and it isn't your fault, your husband couldn't put his selfishness aside during the most trying times of you guys life. Marriage is never a bed of roses, after all but this was the time for your husband to prove to you that he would be there through thick and thin and sacrifice his gratification just like you sacrificed your everything for your child. Don't ever feel bad and don't let anyone make you feel bad. Going by the same excuses given to your husband. You could have cheated too right? Gotten closer to a man who would have given you emotional , comfort, since he was never around to give you the physical presence that you needed all the time. Marriage is unpredictable, life is unpredictable. You don't look for an outlet while your partner is going through the same thing. You bear the pain, hurt together, no one gets excused.
DeleteThank you anon 16:48 👋🏿
DeleteHaving such a baby is not easy. It drains you like crazy.
Some people are just unbelievable.
Me I know someone who got pregnant for her colleage, a side boo. had an abortion and the husband found out and still forgave her. just that she had to leave that office .
DeleteBeta oil dey your head @ anonymous 16:48
DeleteI know how draining taking care baby normally is, talk less of a baby with special needs!
Please poster, be consoled on the loss of your baby, I believe he's in a better place now.
If you have never taken care of a child that has serious medical needs just SHUSH IT!!! Some women are glutons for suffering. She should take care of a grown ass man when she is not even thinking of herself at that point. Na suffer go kill some of you. Even those that their wives gave full attention still stray. A dog is just a freaking dog. And that could be Male or female. Apologies Stella but that line of reasoning just got me upset!!
DeleteAnon 16:48. You typed all I din't have the strength to type. You articulated my thoughts aptly. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but as for me, It's very heartless for people to say she shared in the breakdown of her marriage. This woman did nothing wrong. She was caring for her sick baby ALONE without ANY HELP from this man. For God's sake, this man is a very selfish man for abandoning his wife at a time when HE as the husband should take the lead in steering the ship of that marriage. Where was his support, his prayers, his leadership. his love and care, his loyalty, his priorities? His d**ck? Elsewhere!!! How is that her fault? I pray you all get a dose of this trial and taste what you have excused today. I am pissed!
DeleteShe did nothing wrong! Guy married a virgin, moved to another city without her because of work! Gosh she has always been alone...from pregnancy, birthing a sick baby, hospital runs etc up until now.
DeleteHow will prayer work when oga will come to crusade probably after sleeping with woman?
Let's give ourselves brain as women and not allow the tag "fish brain" continue abeg!
Listen! I'm one of those who will throw your things out and change the locks when you are caught cheating but in this your case, I will soft pedal because you should first try your best before complaining. Since you admitted neglecting your marriage and your husband, why not give it one more chance...one very chance and work on yourself and your marriage.
ReplyDeleteSorry for the loss of your child but please don't neglect the loved ones around you. Give him one more chance!
Didnt the man also neglect her? This man was still chatting side chicks the day after his child died. That man is a cheat before everything. That man is heartless and selfish, like most cheats.
DeleteIn fact this level of heartlessness from the man is dangerous. There is no real love from his side.
DeleteAnon 6.43, you are correct, he is a cheat before everything.
So sorry about what you passed through and also the death of your child. You actually need time to heal. Taking a walk from your hubby will only make matters worse, for men, body no be fire wood for those years you were unable to meet his emotional needs, pls consider this and sincerely forgive him since he has seeked your forgiveness and do your best to rekindle the love that once existed between you guys, if possible, go on family retreat and romantically restrategize for the future. You guys can try to make more babies and am sure you will feel much better.
ReplyDeleteYou might maybe want to consider he had to cope one way or the other and that might have been his way of doing so. Just to distract himself and not deal with the present, to be excited and anticipate something he has control over rather than something he doesn't. You didn't care about your marriage because of a sick child and maybe he sort emotional support sowewhere else. I still think you should leave him though since you feel nothing. But he might not be that bad. He still loves you even without a child shared between you two and still wants to make it work. You can leave and I hope he doesn't try to stop you or plead or anything. Both of you deserve a fresh start.
ReplyDeletePlease Engraced, stop making excuses for this man. You can beg her to forgive but don't make excuses for him. If the woman was the one who travelled and only saw her child once. She would have still grieved him the right way.
ReplyDeleteAs a matter of fact, he is supposed to feel it too. What did they always say about absence making the heart to grow fonder? Haven'you noticed most of the time, you are with your kids every time of the day but they still seem to love their father whose presence isn't constant more than they love you and you start to wonder why. In this era of technological advancement it is not bad that they don't stay together all the time for they can reach each other through communication online.
There was no reason for him to behave that way. A caring man would never be able to have an erection for another woman knowing fully well what his wife could be going through at home with his child at that point in time. There's no way his heart will ever be at peace knowing she is left all alone to go through the stress all alone and he can't do anything about it. The pain of not being there to support his sweetheart, his family physically all the time and the guilty feeling a loving man would feel arising from that would never allow him to look at another woman. It's just like when you are a mother you go to work and you are about to eat then you remember that your children at home haven't even eaten, immediately you push the food aside because at that point you have lost your appetite. That is what a caring and dutiful man would have felt. They are a team and they were both in it together. Please engracedd no excuses. Didn't proofread forgive any errors.
Aptly written.
DeleteIt seems to me that the people blaming her for neglecting her husband do not understand what it takes to care for a special needs child. I saw my Aunt go through it and I don't wish it on my worst enemy. These children require attention 24/7 and I don't know what else you would expect from a woman giving all this while her 'special needs' husband is away in Owerri sleeping with whores.
DeleteWhat you said is very correct and true, But she is looking for a solution to the problem and that's why I said what I said.
DeleteI am not making excuses for the man at all. He failed greatly in his role as the head of the home...And that's why I said they must live together to find a solution to the marriage
Marriage is between two people and each person has a role to play. If not it won't work...thats the simple fact.
Taking care of a special needs child is one of the most draining for a parent. I salute and pray for all those with special needs children. Your husband failed u. The period of mourning he should have been with his arms around u. A great comfort and the partner he ought to be.He left you to walk alone . You both should have gone through that together. Maybe that waz his way of coping. He had his job and u had a child with special needs who you centred your world around. Maybe you resent him for that too. From ur writeup it seems like you went through that road alone. But all of that is in the past even though the wound is still so fresh. The future you must decide and take control of. Do you still want to be with him? You must answer that truthfully to yourself. If so you must try to forgive him. I know it will be hard but u must try. Take each day as baby steps.Do not forget to ensure he goes to the hospital for checkup. U do not have a guaranteee of who he has been with. You CAn also choose to see a marriage councellor. But if you realise you have no interest anymore and the love has died totally, Poster u must leave without haste cos life is too short to sit around. The rest of your life is still out there to live. U DESERVE to BE HAPPY. I hope u will be and I will be praying for u. Plz stop crying. You did the best you could for the child. I am glad u are volunteering in orphanages/ special needs. Trust me it helps. May God see u through as u make a decision. God bless u .
ReplyDeleteI won't be surprised a woman was comforting him on the night your son was buried and who was comforting you? Take some time off the marriage. If it doesn't work after that, go your separate ways. You deserve to be happy, he does too. So sorry for your loss too. May God comfort you.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you. Everyone saying she neglected her husband even the poster as already crucified herself. Poster you neglected your husband and were not giving him sex, weren't you neglected too and starved of sex? No love like the love of a mother, if you weren'alive (God forbid) only God knows how he would have taken care of the boy.don't we read her of women who their husband hasn't touched for so many years for no sensible reason except that they are cheating with runs girls up and down and these same women are still working towards making their marriages better.
DeleteThese men on the other hand cannot tolerate anything in marriage at all. The next thing is to look for the next available puss*y. Very selfish men.
Thank you o! Tell them. @ anon 16.58
DeleteKiks, I agree with you.
DeletePoster I sympathize with you and understand what you are going through. I lost a child too although a few months after birth and it's damn painful. You may never get over it, you may hate the world and ask "why me" but with time and God the pain lessens. My husband was around me but dealt with the pain his own way, he doesn't talk about it, doesn't act like something happened until one day some months after while I was crying and telling him he doesn't care and he said" you didn't go for the burial, it was me that put him in the grave, how do you think I feel or can ever forget that" immediately I wiped my tears and understood that we all grieve in different ways and I had to be strong. I know you feel betrayed, hurt and all but let go and let God in. His ways can never be our ways. After you have run all the necessary testa with your husband, have a heart to heart talk with him and look at the glass, half full and not half empty. Fall in love again, do things together and remember that God does not give a cross you cannot carry although as St.Theresa once said" I know God does will not give me a cross I can't carry but I wish he did not trust me so much". Nne, this too shall pass. ( Sorry for the long post or any grammatical errors, first time commenting)
ReplyDeletePoster I'm so sorry for your loss, if not that my sis have other kids, would have said she wrote this, the pains you're still feeling is cos of that child you lost.
ReplyDeleteMy nephew was okay but had fever at 3months which resulted in seizure and part of his brain was damaged, that was the most handsome boy i ever saw, he grew up to be a fine boy that couldn't sit alone, talk, eat or do anything for himself, we prayed, had hope, fasting etc
My sister house was always like grave yard cos we were always sad, there no way you will see that boy that you wont cry, he was everyone prayers. One day he became sick and died
Poster i cried, the mum cried but what was life for him when he couldn't do anything for himself, he didn't go to school or even church, cos he was 7years and too tall to be carried as a baby, so he was locked inside the house, was that life for him? No it wasn't, he was suffering too much
So when he died we knew he was in a better place than that suffering, why all this story please let the hurt go, just know he is resting, let it go and work on your marriage
My sis took in and gave birth to the best and wonderful boy, he now a joy to us all, forgive your husband and try and get pregnant again and you will be fine okay. Let the hurt go and know your boy is in a better place, than the suffering he was passing through okay
I don't even know how best to say this to make you feel better, cos i know exactly how you feel, cos this story look like my sister wrote it, but she so happy now, she let the hurt go, got pregnant and she bubbling now
Poster when that boy was sick, my sis stayed in the hospital for 6months, she missed her interview in a ministry cos of that boy, for 6years and 9months i never saw my sis so happy with so much smiles on her face, we always wanted a solution, there no place we didn't go to, sometimes we will come home begging God for forgiveness, a young girl of 23 suffering that way, it was terrible
DeleteWe knew that boy never had a life, what is life without sitting, talking, walking or knowing what going on around you, we must hold his mouth to feed him, 2 people do bath him, when he poo, the smell can kill someone, imagine a 6 years old boy poo, he doesn't sleep on high bed. Oh poster that wasn't life, when he died we cried but we knew the suffering has stop for him. I'm explaining this to you cos maybe your boy was still young and carryable.
I feel like i can really explain the reason you should let your pain go, when that pain of his dead comes again pls know he in a better place.. Try and heal first okay.. I'm not so good in writing, wish i can see you to tell you to let the hurt go, let him rest well, reconcile with your husband and start trying again okay
A quick question for poster, was your husband supposed to be celibate for 6 years you were absorbed with your son?
ReplyDeleteDo you think that the emotional trauma of having a special need first born didn't affect him too or you were more affected than he was?
Sorry about your loss as no one ever prays to bury a child but leaving him might be best for HIM because you are selfabsorbed and incapable of the forgiving and understanding a marriage will always need from time to time
once again sorry for your loss. May God comfort you
But if that husband fell sick and became a vegetable you would expect her to be celibate??? The level of depravation in this world is alarming. No dedication or loyalty. Sex rules the brain of some people.
DeleteThe level of ABJECT STUPIDITY!!!
DeleteNigerian need to stop acting like toddlers needing validation for thier stupidity and lack of selfcontrol.
A woman put her life on hold.
She lost her job.
Dedicated every single minute to take care of a child.
In the midst of this tragedy, one goat is there wanking on someone's buttocks.
How a father can even get and sustain and erection like this in this trying time baffles me.
May me and mine never marry insensitive beasts like this.
Nonsense.
Gbam @anon 04:16
Delete💯 anon 4.16
DeleteSo sorry for the death of your son.
ReplyDeleteSorry for the death of your son. You need to let go of the hurt caused by the death of your child. What you really need is counseling. May God strengthen you.
ReplyDeletePoster please can you answer this question?
ReplyDeleteHave you confirmed and is very sure that he is no longer cheating?
If the answer is yes,then please let go.biko pour out your heart to him let him know what you went through all those fucking years.Give him the gory details,scream while you are at it, if you can.
Then let go.I know it hurts but we grieve differently,if he really has stopped investing so much time in chatting and on social media,is ready to invest time in you and has stopped cheating (please confirm that he has stopped) go for tests to make sure you are both clean then give life a chance.
You have never really enjoyed marriage in fact,you both don't even know what it takes to be married.you can learn it together now.
I am sorry for your loss and hurt.
Poster if you decide to let go,its fine you paid your dues.but give life a chance. Biko nwannem
SILENT BEEVEE
Loll does a man every stop cheating???
DeleteLets not receive ourselves?
Sorry poster, you didn't deserve what your husband did to you. Please do what you can live with, ive been betrayed by my love before and trying to live with him after that made me sick, I landed in the hospital because just thinking of it or being around him raised my BP. I left because I had to, so do what's right for you
ReplyDeleteI know right. My hubby betrayed me when I needed him most. We are still together, cos family members, and society made me stay. Today, he tries everything to make it work, but I resent him so much. In his heart, he knows one day I will take a walk, which I would. Poster, leave if u can please. The so much love he shows these days even annoys me. Betrayals are a no no no...
DeleteSorry about your experience. Having a child with special need is draining , this is why as health workers we advice parents not to suspend their lives while caring for them. What will be may still be for them . We usually advice parents don’t neglect each other and that Dey also don’t halt having another kid. This is not to blame you or your husband oh. What has happened has happened, what you need now is psychological counseling on how to deal with d bereavement and disappointment. Seeing the child buried would have helped a great deal with the bereavement.God help you
ReplyDeletePoster I understand your pain.i know how it hurts to loose a child and what you went through when he was alive. Pls just let it go. Forgive your husband and start all over again. Give love a second chance and be happy. With this you will take I. Again and God will give you a perfect child that will come to stay and make you proud.
ReplyDelete