STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
HAUNTED BY FATHERS LIFESTYLE
Good day Stella. . Keep my identity hidden
While growing up, I noticed that there was something going on between my dad and my mum's cousin that was staying with us. My dad was having an affair with her under my mother's nose but my mum didn't know. She knew my dad was a cheat but she didn't know he was doing it under her nose.
I was about 9years when all this was happening, I couldn't tell my mum cus I didn't have any concrete evidence, moreover I was scared of my dad too.
I once threatened my mum's cousin that I was going go to tell my mum about her affair with my dad if she doesn't stop or leaves the house.. She told me to go ahead and tell my mum. She said my dad will leave my mum for her..it was a very traumatic time for me, I couldn't tell anybody. My mum's cousin later got married to a white man and left my Parent's house.
Fast forward to present day.
The only type of men that I find myself dating are cheats, liars and manipulators Like my dad.
Last year I met a guy who has been nothing but wonderful to me. He proposed and I have accepted. His mum loves me cus I will be her first "iyawo". But I've got crazy trust issues. I am always snooping and trying to catch him. He said he is fed up and said we should take a break.
I don't know if i should tell him about my dad; but I am scared he might not want to have anything to do with me.
He suggested that I should go for counselling...since I can't talk to him.. Stella please I need your advise. How can I move pass this stage.
P.s my dad is late.
*The solution is starring you in the face and you are asking?If you cannot trust the man you are about to Marry then there is no need marrying him......At 9 years old,what did you know about cheating?Na wah,you must have been exposed to a lot of nonsense at an early age and right now you need help before you go south as well!!!
talk to your man and seek help....
Abeg, yarn the man wetin happen to you at 9 year old tata. Make you accept the man's reassurances as im be. You gat to have faith; he might not cheat on you. Even if that one na the case, how you wan cross Niger bridge from Lagos, wait till you get to Onitsha, before you begin cross bridge na.
ReplyDeleteSisi, na time to marry dey wan waka for ya eyes so?
And all of una (side) chickens, una see all the ripple effect of una (tohtoh atomic) bomb dey cause? YOu go see married man, your cousin's husband, come begin spread legs like mat give am for matrimonial bed.
Tufiakwa; aru mere pipiro!
We all have one sad or bad experience we wish never happened. Some of us are strong enough to subdue them so as to function normally while some struggle with such memories. In your case, you know what the problem is, your dad is late and your cousin is married. Do not allow these two ruin your own life. Talk to your boyfriend about what happened, tell him you have been sceptical or suspicious of men since then. I believe he will understand. You might not need counselling after opening up to him. Do not tell your mum if you didn’t tell her all these while but if you can get hold of your cousin, call her on the phone and tell her what she did was wrong and threatening the unity of your family was the worst. Talking to her might ease of the suppressed anger and resentment you had towards her.
DeleteWhether you snoop or not, that will not prevent a person from cheating. If you can pray, go to God and ask him to purge of all the fears, anxiety and heal you psychologically. You can still decide to see a psychologist if talking to these people do not help. You need time and prayers to heal but do not ruin your life for a sin committed by your late father and a cousin has the effrontery to threaten a little child. Be prepared that your current boyfriend may or may not help you on this journey but embark on it and you will be fine. You can always believe in yourself and work on your confidence, just know that you don’t have control over a cheat, manipulator or liar. Give people the opportunity to be themselves in your life. I wish you inner peace!
See a therapist, Only therapy can help
DeletePoster please don't tell your man anything. This happened in the past, so try and let it remain in the past .more Grace. @Blessed Princess
DeleteIt has nothing to do with your father, what you are experiencing and is subsequently affecting your relationship is a physiological disorder, at 9yrs what do you know? Seek counseling madam.
DeleteBVs, it's not only what happened with her dad that's affecting her. She's also been dating unfaithful men who have helped to further entrench that fear. If you were a Christian, poster I would say hand your relationship over to God and relax. If you are not I guess therapy might help. Please note that you are not the only one dealing with this issue, most black women deal with cheating men. I am black but the black brain appears to be the least developed in the human race, hence the men reason only a little higher than animals...
DeleteLol who are these people saying what does a nine year know. Enough to talk to the adulteress about it. She knew and was traumatized by keeping it a secret. Marry your man my dear. Apologize to him and tell him forgive and forget. You'll try to do better. U must be a bad Snoop if you keep getting caught
DeleteHello
DeleteYou are suffering from PTSD
I really need to set up my psychotheraphy service
GOD help me
So much to do
Shame on you Teacher. No help or advice whatsoever! Despite your "training" in psychotherapy. Now that you have diagnosed her, what is she to do?
DeleteSend him a link to this post
DeleteConcentrate on how to make ur life reasonable and try to see other in a different angle from your dad. Avoid snooping and just pray..
ReplyDeleteSTELLA THAT WAS A BIT HARSH🤔 maybe this chronicle got you in a bad mood🤷♀️. Please apologize to the poster when you are in a better mood.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you,just my thought
DeleteApologise for what? When ure seeking advice u should know all comments wont come buttered.
DeletePoster. No therapy can help u except u. U seeing ur father in all men is a choice. In all of ur writeup I didnt see where u ever confided in ur mum even as u grew older n wiser or even after ur father's death. That too is a choice u made. Now get up and make another choice to leave this all behind and MOVE ON. If u cant, then stay out of relationships and stop stressing people's sons.
What's harsh about it?
DeleteYou are right. she was too harsh. Poster went thru a lot as a child. She finally confides co someone and all she gets is nothing is doing you. It's no big deal .get over it. That's not goid
DeleteTessbaby you have vex
DeleteBabe you seriously need help... Try and go for counseling
ReplyDeletePoster please forget about what happened with your dad. It’s bad I know, but try.
ReplyDeleteBut I don’t see how that should affect your relationship. It’s just something you keep envisioning happening to you too that’s why you are paranoid. I’d advise you stop snooping tho. And yes, explain this to your bf since he’s even suggesting counseling.
Come clean, share ur fears with him, honesty has a way of leaving U confident anyway.. Don't ever be scared of people leaving U, the earlier the undeserving ones leave, the better understanding U have of urself, & also chances for U to recognize the ones for U... Please don't delay the process, it's either sooner or later.
ReplyDeletePoster make sure you don't tell your fiancée anything. Anything you say will be use against you later in your marriage. Just go for counselling and believe God everything will be fine. Don't live your life on fantasy. If you're scared of a man cheating on you then you don't have business getting married in the first place bcos no one knows tomorrow. Just hope for the best always.
ReplyDeleteCheers.
This is the best advice for u, go with this advice and everything will be fine
DeleteNice one. She should counsel herself.
DeleteThis is the most demonic advice I've ever read on this blog. Poster, please do not take this unintelligent advice that was obviously brewed in hell.
DeleteHow can you not tell a man you want to marry, something so important? If not for anything else, you owe that man an explanation of why you behave the way you do. Jeez! What's wrong with some people? This is how people ruin others after scattering their own lives. No good, sane woman in a happy marriage can tell you to hide important things from your man. As it is now, the guy believes you are either crazy, or just not into him. Nigerian women know how to off cloth for men they're just meeting, or unburden about their real and imagined financial worse to men that are not their husbands. But true honesty with man that wants to marry you, is impossible? Tufiakwa.
Tell your man. If he's like the spineless men that some people obviously keep encountering (who use sensitive information against their partner), so be it. But free yourself. Tell him. Seek counselling. Pray.
Story. Don't tell him.
Delete@anon 17:59 thank you. Poster tell your man damn it. You don’t have to go into extreme details on what happened growing up but he deserves to know why you’re so paranoid. If he really loves you, he’ll go to counseling with you so you both can work through the issues. If you don’t open up to him, I don’t think he’ll end up getting married to you. You’re already putting your own traumatic experience on him and it’s starting to overwhelm him! Good luck.
DeleteIt is not possible for you on your own to resolve this issue that is why you wrote this chronicle. So there are two steps for you to take, First seek professional help that will help heal the damage done to your young mind at such early age by selfish adults; Second reveal everything to your man, if possible he should go with you to the professional counselor, believe him that he is a different man and let the past be remain in the past. Above all talk to the Lord, unburden your mind to him and hand over your heart to him for healing and care. You will be surprised by his response. He will make you a new person. Blessed art thou.
ReplyDeleteLike anonymous 15:17 had said please try live past this. Not all men cheats. Please go for cancelling and stop looking for problems where there is none. I pray you fine help.
ReplyDeleteTell your man and if possible go for counselling. You need to see a professional to unburden your mind and let go of the past.
ReplyDeletePoster please don't ruin your relationship because of what you experienced as a child. I also experienced such, my Dad was sleeping with our house help. I couldn't tell my mom because I was so young and afraid. I tried giving my mom hint but she trusted my Dad too much. My little brother later found out and reported to mom. Unfortunately that incident is the reason my mom is hypertensive today. I have told myself that most men cheat and I intend to look the other way when I get married because I don't want to be hypertensive like my mom over a man
ReplyDeleteI don't think her dad is the major reason for her trust issues.
DeleteShe has been with liars and cheats etc and so in her subconscious, she believes all men are like that.
@poster.
Love is called trusting someone with your heart and knowing they have the power to break it, but trusting them not to.
See a counsellor.
SDK, I think that was a bit off.
ReplyDeleteAt 9yrs old, children know things even though they can piece everything together. The poster was traumatized. The poster probably saw her dad and cousin doing things only her mum and dad should do. The knowledge is innate. You just know that some things are not right. Never under estimate the mind of a child.
I started to feel that my dad may not be my dad at about that age. Cos of the way he treated me,, he showed a difference between I and my sister. Till today we are not close. It affected our relationship. He is my dad alright but he didn't care and was always harsh with me.
Poster, pls talk to your guy. And like he said you may need to talk to someone to get over the trauma. Some trauma's live with us. But God is a healer.
Even siblings from same parents behave differently. Trust is a decision you have to make.
ReplyDeletePoster i dont blame you for acting ore feeling that way,just talk to your man before loose him
ReplyDeleteShare your fears with him
ReplyDeleteThose saying you should tell your man what happened to you surprise me. Poster if you do, you will regret it later. Apologise to him and seek counselling.
ReplyDeleteEven you can counsel yourself out of any situation, you know? The professionals don't know it any better, most of them succeed @making you see a situation, unique only to you, in there own perspective. When our spirit of discernment fail us, we have the holy book to guide us through any & everything
DeleteThank you o! anons 16.09 and 16.24. Is her man a therapist? Both of you advised the poster properly.
DeleteGo for counselling, won’t advice you to tell him anything about your past.
ReplyDeleteWhy are you stressing yourself unnecessarily? Just marry your fiance and allow what will be to be.
ReplyDeleteI also have trust issues but i wont bother myself too much. In my mind, all men cheat. If God gives the one who does not, i will be happy.
ReplyDeleteCry cry baby! My friend face front... Your problem na least of people worries.
ReplyDeleteI understand your fear and can relate to what you experienced. You were to young to carry the burden and the guilt of what your dad was doing to your mom. Talking to your boyfriend won't ease your fear or heal you.You need to seek professional help and seek God. Sort yourself out first before marriage so you don't ruin it..God bless you.
ReplyDeleteMost cousins are from the pit of hell.I will soon send a Chronicle how my first cousin tried to destroy my home when she could not succeed she got so desperate started an affair with my inlaw and got pregnant.She is a baby mama now and everyone has told her she is very wicked.Where i I come such is a taboo two relatives dating siblings because they feel it is unhealthy.The story is just draining i wish i had the power to type all of it.
ReplyDeleteDarling, Talking to him would make you feel better. My uncle fondled me as a child I was so scared to tell anybody. When I realized that my relationship with my man was heading south because of what I experienced as a child, I had to tell him. I felt better. I still see my uncle today, man isn't married and I am living a better life than he is. Talk to him, Talking helps
ReplyDeleteAt 9, what did she know? By 3, I knew I was unloved by my "parents". There are people on this blog who remember being abused at a very young age (5yrs or less). A 9yo is ready to write Common Entrance to enter secondary school, yet they're not supposed to be aware of or affected by what is going on around them? How please???
ReplyDeletePoster, tell your man.
9years old is a child but believe it or not at 9years kids know alot that u can ever imagine jus that they keep calm and pretend not to know.
ReplyDeleteTell your man you have trust issues because your dad was a chronic cheat, just don't tell him that he was cheating with your mom's cousin because he might use it against you on future. Also seek counseling.
ReplyDeleteTalk to your man.
ReplyDeleteTell your man nne. This reminds me of myself and my cousin. We grew up together, she was molested while I wasn't. Guess who turned out sexually disciplined, my cousin! No one would suspect she was molested. She is getting married in two months time. On the other hand, I'm the one with the itchy totoh. I love fuck pass food. I have all types of toys and I have different men fucking me. I'm working and earning well, I'm not after money. I just love to fuck. The height of it was when I traveled out for my further studies, I met a Kenyan girl who also loves sex and we did a lot of crazy things together, the only thing I haven't done is anal sex.. I can't wait to get home and dildo myself.
ReplyDeleteYou need help
DeleteGo and fix yourself. Stop attributing your behavior to what your father did under your mom's nose years ago.
ReplyDeleteIf you can't trust, no need in going into any relationship. Simple.
Stella at 9years of age, I knew all these and more. I knew babies don't fall from heaven. I still remember events that happened in my life at that age VIVIDLY.
ReplyDeletePoster call that your mum's cousin first and foremost and purge your heart out, I believe you will feel better after that, and then proceed to counselling if you can. You will be fine.
Wo Stella God bless you! Imagine at age 9?? Amebo!! Onishekushe omo kekere!!
ReplyDeletePoster What did u know about affairs at age 9? Daleru Daleru! Is ur father ur husband? I hate nosey children!
Better go for counseling and stop looking for what isn't missing
It's obvious people like you are the ones who wouldn't believe their children even when it's their father that is molesting them at home..change your myopic mindset..it's horrible!
Delete