STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
OVER REACTING OR NOT
Hello,
Have been an ardent reader of your blog.
Actually look forward to comments on the chronicles.... also nice to read comments from men as well. so I'm really looking forward to reading comments from my men folk as well
Stella I need advice to know if I'm overreacting.
I am happily married with kids...got married to a woman I really love and care about, but I'm in a dilemma.
so I had a critical business decision to take a few weeks ago and wanted to get my family involved. So asked wife you for her ID card. And she gave me an ID that bore her old surname.
I ask for the one that bears my name as surname and she's like... does it matter?
In the same vein, was supposed to register and invest in a business for wifey (we had discussed it). So I actually wanted to also do her stuff as well and wifey says.... What's the big deal using ID without your name? Or is it supposed to be your and my business?.... To say that I was dumbfounded is putting it lightly.
I quietly let it drop, used my kids instead to do what I want to do for my company instead.
So for me, I see if wrong to invest in a business that seems like I'm not a part of.... Not like I want to monitor or anything, but the name-thing means a lot to me.
Now, I have this thing about not wanting to argue at home so whatever wants to stress me or cause a grouse, I just drop it.
Now, I know she's spoiling for a quarrel and wants to talk which will most likely end in quarrel which I avoid cos I've got kids...plus the normal "carry face" of women
Also, one major reason most times I let things slide is because, most times when I try to discuss things I feel offended about or I dont like, I end up being the one at fault because I have come to realize that women have a way to redirecting issues that you end up being at fault or feeling like a horrible person."
I know my wife loves me deeply so I'm not questioning her loyalty or suspecting ulterior motives
So my question is, do you guys think I'm overreacting?
Please I need mature and constructive advice....
*You know what?you both should get someone to look after the kids for a few hours and then take her out to dinner and you should bring up the topic in a way that will not end the night in fight....tell her how much she means to you before you start and after she finishes...lol
Sometimes the home environment can stress up a wife with kids....its not easy...take her out of that zone for a few hours and watch her become a different person...Good luck!!!!
Is your wife a BV? Lols.. Oga you are over reacting
ReplyDeleteIf it means so much to you,then talk to her and explain. As for me all my identification bears both names. My maiden name 8s my middle name then hubby's surname. Been using same format for 13yrs now and no issues. It was even hubby that suggested it.
Delete@Fan
DeleteE bi like say you don (join Abuja babes for night) dey shak eh?
Wetin you mean say im dey over react?
Na ya name you dey answer for ya husband house so?
Liver go gree you do am, make a side chicken collect im name gum for herself?
I don dey observe you well well, e bi like say you don dey unravel small small
for that ya Abuja.
Lol..someone who just told you he drop things is over reacting? Oga you did the right thing using your kids
DeleteI'm wondering the same too. Wife is just trying to play safe. You need to completely allay her fears. As much as I want to blame her, I really can't because of all the betrayal stories we read daily. But really, using her maiden make makes no difference imo.
DeletePoster you're over reacting. Everything doesn't have ulterior motive attached to it so pls don't ruin your home with suspicion. I've been married for 4 years and still haven't changed my name. Do I have a motive??? Absolutely NO. I don't even know why I haven't sef...I adore and worship my hubby and he doesn't even care. We registered a company together last year and he filled out the forms himself and still used my surname for me. Last month we opened a joint account and when filling my column, he filled my surname and the manager was like why do we bear different names? We laughed and told him I'm yet to change my name .NO Big deal...But if you really want her to change hers, follow Stellas advice. Don't assume the worse ok
DeleteBut he can't open business on your daddy's name .
DeletePoster sorry for your situation. I perfectly understand the manipulative acts cos that’s exactly my situation. I have lots of issues but can’t raise it for discussion cos at the end of the day it’s so manipulated and I become the guilty one even when it’s so glaring. Guess what, I’m a wife but my husband acts like a baby, manipulative and can keep malice. Isn’t it irritating to have a husband behaving like a mannerless woman but wants to be respected as head of the family.
DeleteEnter your reply...pls how can I send my chronicle.... which email can I send to
DeleteI am sure you must have discussed this issue with plenty of your family member and friends before bringing it here. Talkative men, when you finish painting your wife to people who do not know her, you will get home and claim, I love my wife and I don't wanna start an argument. You clearly have an issue and would talk with anyone but your wife. HELLOOOOOO!! Go and sit your ass down. You need to outperform her dad so she could drop his name otherwise, don't start a battle about her father's name. Be more focused about being a husband. There is no relationship without communication. And communication is not a one way traffic where you will be tho one telling her, talking TO and not with her. Stop making your wife look like a bad person. Pert of your responsibility is to protect your wife and kids. You cannot separate both too.
DeleteOh ma'am Stella you're just the best among the best. I love you to the moon and back. Where you get all these wisdom from? Abeg three gbosa for ya head! Gbosa,gbosa,gbosa. Your advice is just the best. I'm so here learning a whole lot. Thanks for this platform. Good afternoon.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster, you have every reason to be worried but there must be a reason behind your wife’s action. Did she do a change of name after marriage? If yes, does she have 2 ID cards? Then if she is yet to do a change of name, have you ever asked her why before now? Are you from the same place? Do you plan your transactions more with extended family and friend than her? Do you TELL her about your transactions ideas or DISCUSS with her? There is a difference between TELL and DISCUSS. Why is she scared of doing business with you? How can you answer these questions? Take Stella's advise, find a neutral or enjoyable ground and discuss with her heart to heart. Win her trust. It might be what was said during courtship, anger or what was done without an intent to cause distrust.
DeleteIn marriage, avoiding dialogue to make peace is always dicey. Look at you now, you bear those grudges and so also your wife. How can you have a peaceful home with bottled anger? How can you make love with bottled questions and grudges? Yes, as a man you let certain things go and I applaud you for that but you have to talk WITH your wife not TO her. You will be surprised at what a heartfelt discussion will open. Do not accuse each other during the dialogue but with reassurance lead your wife to your heart and world.
You have a good heart but we all make mistake or toll a wrong route. It is not too late to fix it. You can start my dropping her love notes of how much she means to you and how you will like to know her fears and doubts and that together you can overcome it. Courage brother! Bring out your romantic and matured side!
I million likes😘😘
DeleteOga pay attention to this comment
This comment has been removed by the author.
Delete@zikora advice is so apt
DeleteAbeg there is not always a catch! Oga you are overreacting.
DeleteWhat's the big deal about changing name.
I've been blissfully married in the last 6years..All my visas, applications, work, documents, properties we buy are in my maiden name even our joint account. My hubby isn't bothered, our marriage is rock solid! There are more important things to worry about in marriage pleaseeeee. Take your wife out, talk, breathe, be happy!
Thank you so much @zikora
DeleteOga Poster, that woman does not have faith in you nor the marriage. Not that I blame her......
ReplyDeleteWomen have been through/heard so much about how other women have toiled in a marriage but ended up with the short end of the stick when something goes awry with the union.
But make I talk my mind sha..... una no love each other. Do what your mind tells you and let the FIN woman do her own........
Sick comment.
DeleteShatap. Many happily married women bear their fathers name. Stop saying what you don't know and putting thoughts in people's heads
DeleteAnon 16:00 many happily married women bear their father's name, true. But not when it means so much to the husband that she takes his surname.
DeleteStupid comment
DeleteSmh for this your comment.
DeleteI get where the man is coming from. What she said is suspicious .but men are the cause. You invest with them, next thing another woman reaps what you have sown. That's why women are cautious these days. I will actually do the same if I were in his shoes. But poster, she may not have bad intentions. It's just a women tingy
DeleteHappily married for over 5yrs and no name change. Told hubby I will change after 10yrs..my decision...my life..
DeleteJust follow Stella's advice. And also get her to tell you if she bears any grievances against you or your family. All the best poster.
ReplyDeleteI will read comments
ReplyDeleteFor her being so comfortable with her father's name up till now is something worrisome. Why didn't she accept your name with open hands? I think something is not adding up here. @Blessed Princess
ReplyDeleteI'm married but more comfortable with my father's name. Why? Because I've been answering to that name for almost 30 years. I have only done change of name in newspaper, and the reason for that is because I want a new international passport..every other document, including my place of work still bear my maiden name.
Delete*types with one eyes close*
ReplyDeleteWomen sha, our wahala too much. a man goes tru plenty wahala to marry you.sometimes you even beg and pressure him to help him wife you sef,after he wives you then find it difficult to bear his last name like who does that? i will tattoo my husbands name on my forehead if need be. pls pls i am not refering to the poster wife ooooh.
that being said i am trying to understand your wife fear. you know say men una head no correct atimes. there is no guarantee when it comes to una matter. so she probably feels she want to have her own thing that is 100% hers. you own her, own her house,own her kids and even kpekus join arggggrh oga pls allow her own the business without her name.
i have never been married and i hope to someday but if lee boo and i can fight over simple issues like bearing his surname then wahala go dey oooh hian.
women please lets endeavor to give our men peace na. haba he will face wahala outside and when he comes home to where he is suppose to find rest and celebrated we rush them with wahala wetin na? i just tire for some of us aswear.
it seems your wife go like to dey nag, buy her a nagging pillow. yes you heard me.
When he got married to her, she gave up her fathers name and took his. its sad that she is making a mole out of an Anthill. simply give the man an ID card with "your" surname (i.e. her husband's name) and not your fathers. There isn't much to it. We women tend to stress over things/ situations that we shouldn't worry about. The business is in her name not his that's what really matters.
DeleteThe woman is complete in herself and needs no man to validate her self-worth.
DeleteWhy should a woman that knows her worth beg a man to wife her??! Why should she take his surname as a way of boosting his ego??!
. She should take it if she wants and if she doesn't, good.
Na wa.
What generation of males are we raising, bikonu??!
You people are funny ooo.
DeleteWomen please never beg a man to marry you. So this bearing a man's name is such a big deal to you guys eh.
Gosh!
Anon 16:05 since she needs no man to validate her,why did she marry him???she should have remained single to continue bearing her father's name nah.
DeleteMtcheeeeew everybody wants to be forming onos
Anon 16:02, if it's really no big deal as you claim, then using her old I'D card is no big deal too.
DeleteThis Finny poster, ure an embarrassment to womanhood. Keep selling yourself short begging a man to marry you
Deleteanon 17: 16 you are a very stupid imbecile. so if they should ask real women to come out you sef will carry your cotton wool filled head and join the queue abi?
Deleteme beg a man to marry me? ikwakwakwakwakwakwakwakwa wake up ass hole.
I don't think you are over reacting.she's your wife now and should drop her maiden name for yours and use your name on every document except for those who combine their maiden name and husband's name.but like Stella said try to find out the reason for her reaction.there's a reason for every reaction however it shouldn't lead to misunderstanding
ReplyDeleteExactly this man has probably done something to this lady that ismaking her think d name change. If not, what is there in changing d name. Oga ur wife is still contemplating whether it is profitable to be married to u. If u know u r innocent. Talk to her but if u have been violent through ur silent claims of being labled a horrible person. U 'll need to change your actions before u decide on a change of name
DeleteI agree with you. Even me, I have not added my husband's name to mine after almost two years of marriage. This is because I found out after the marriage when I relocated to his State that his name is tainted, too much baggage and I don't even trust his fidelity because I saw some chats in his phone. I am buying my time out, so no need to carry name baggage. Poster check yourself, your wife may have a reason. She may also not have any reason too.
DeleteWhere you're getting it wrong us these should be two separate issues. Put my name on the document the way it is .then have a separate conversation about name change. The way it is is like you're saying change your name or I won't add you
ReplyDeleteThank you, anon 15.17
DeleteWhats in a name, sef??!
Anon I love you for this comment.
DeleteThank you.. the wife is probably sensing this, reason why she is hesitant.
DeleteChanging the name might not be the major issue, there's probably more to it.
guy man up.for your wife not to admit to your own name..speaks volume.just imagine..she is not proud of having your name base on some selfish reasons.why stress yourself..? go on and open the business in your kids name and your name.not like you dont love your life oh..i know you love your wife,but use your head.just open and register yoyr business with your names and kids.very simple..no need to stress yourself and just keep loving your wife.
ReplyDeleteOh shut up anon 15.18
DeleteNot everything is about the man abeg.
See your mouth like she is not proud of your name. Ah ah what if she never even considered it???
.
Its people like you that sow discord into other people's families. Go and sleep jor
Oh pleaseee. It's not about pride all the time. Come to think of It, why are you men obsessed with names sef? Even the ones whose names cannot open origin bitters bottle cover🙄🙄🙄
DeleteIs people like you that spoils other people's marriage, while you pamper yours. It's the woman's decision, and left for her husband to understand why. Then,they both come to an agreement.
DeleteStella totally on point here.. I de stress the same way as well... take myself out, either for a massage or Chinese treat, or even for a drink, just somewhere serene, away from home, I go back feeling brand new, refreshed & ready to take on the family/home again. Poster she may be scared of stories she's probably heard out there about husbands opening a business for their wives & taking total control of it. She probably needs some sort of security/assurance, of which U re ready to provide, i'm sure...
ReplyDeleteTry taking her to a spa for a massage to properly de-stress, before the dinner, U'd see how open/welcoming she'd be to any ideas U suggest... Good luck!
I don't think him taking control of the business is her fear. I think what she is really scared of is what happens when he is gone, by gone I mean dead. If I were in her shoes I would gladly give him an ID with his surname; with the way she is acting if I were her husband she wouldn't be my next of kin !
DeleteExactly give him an id with his surname.She is acting very funny and suspicious
DeleteBut if she's indeed scared of that, shouldn't that be a good reason to give an ID with his last name?... I mean the ID with her last name & the one with his last name, both represent the same person...
DeleteFrom my understanding of the chronicle though, wifey asked if it was going to be a business for the both of them, when he requested the ID. suggests either fear or she just needed to understand...
Poster, please make sure she understands what U re communicating, & by that, I mean "full disclosure", no half truths, if U intend to win her confidence about it...
Thanks Love... for your advice
Deleteyou are not over reacting anything, in fact you are a good man. just bear with your woman may she has other things disturbing her, thats why she acted like dat. when it comes to business, husband and wife na partnership ooo so you have to state the terms. you have to be part of any thing you are investing your money and time on
ReplyDelete🤣🤣🤣 Stella you have sense. Poster what Stella just said is the mini button of most women.
ReplyDeleteAs a man, guy, doing it in your kids names is a very good decision. Don't let any woman here tell you shit. Most if the ladies here are teenagers and slightly above 20 years. I am a married man, and I know what you are into.
ReplyDeletestraight up ! P.S. I am a woman
DeleteThank you, Guy you better listen to this married man.
DeleteThank you very much you have said it all. Most of this tenagers that don't even have boyfriend will be talking. Please open the business in your kids name. When she is ready o change to your name you put her back.
DeleteDo as you please just know women know how to do pass what's done to them. As you open without her, she'll gradually realize you're not all in and start doing her own things by herself too. You have the money but don't underestimate the wisdom of a loving woman. My father has the money but my mother's sense and ability to network with a tree really took my father's business to the next level
DeleteThank you anon 15:25
DeleteLols, kids name. LMAO. Is it not the woman that still gave you the kids? Well, she will still be the one to tell you if the kids are truly yours. Women are always 1000 steps ahead of you men, so better have them on your side and don't make a mistake to be on the other side. Las Las na die.
DeleteOga,gaskia you're overreacting. There's nothing wrong in being married and retaining ones surname. Marriage is a partnership not slavery. If you really want her to use your surname,then sit her down and have heart to heart discussion with her instead of using sense to kind of force her to change her name. A lot of married women are still using their surname just to honour their father especially when their father doesn't have a male child. That doesn't mean they didn't love their husband ooh. Don't get it twisted o.k.
ReplyDeleteByeeeee.
Princessa your comment today makes sense.
DeleteI agree jor.
Childish husband 🙄
Nne, are you from this part of the world? if it is a case of no men child to bear her father's name the husband will be aware for it
DeleteAgreed...
DeleteAre you alright ? So I will open a business in your fathers name? Imagine so when the business blows you start struggling with me. Please use you head its very wrong. Imagine if dangote name is in his imlaws name. Think my myfreind think
Deletefuck her well scatter her kidney
ReplyDeleteBreak her waist finish her pussy
Before you marry them, you will hear them say I want to bear your name. When you finally marry them, they say does it matter if I don't use your name. Womeeeeen..
ReplyDeleteGuy man, abeg, use your children name and don't regret it. Tell her after everything is done that you used your kids names. To tell you the truth, she has been nursing some things about money in her mind. Be careful.
You have baby brain.
DeleteNo he doesn't have small brain you do. I can't open a business on my in-laws name and you tell me there is nothing to it. Na teenager they worry una sha
DeleteChildren's name, children's name. Better do a DNA test before claiming any child. Impotent men that women go out of their ways to give children be feeling like sidelining their ass to claim children they can't father.
DeleteYou must give without a feeling of getting back, otherwise it is not giving and it is not love.
You're overreacting ma FRIEND!!!! It's just a name and she's still YOUR wife.
ReplyDeleteI can so relate with this.. May God help us women... poster, please do as Stella said.. take her out.. away from the kids so you guys can talk... don't sweep things under the carpet. It is bad for marriage
ReplyDeleteStella is on point, please follow Stella's advice and you people should talk maturely, I like the fact that you don't want this to cause quarrel between you guys, but you guys need to talk this over, and calmly request her to change her name, it's your right
ReplyDeleteAnd if she refuses nko? He should divorce her for not changing her name?
DeleteRme.
Stella sometimes you de misyarn but today you are making alot of sense. Poster take Stella's advice, that's the bset you can get anywhere.
ReplyDeleteHahaha ha funny people.
ReplyDeleteA man that is so disturbed about his wife changing her name to his is INSECURE! YES I SAID IT!
Oga why didn't you add her name like that? You said she is loyal and all and now you want to cause trouble because she is still hearing her father's name? Nonsense!..
Leave her o. She has her own identity. She is her own person. She is not an extension of you. She is whole in her own right.
Smh
E go better for you.
DeletePlease are you married?
DeleteMadam Stella advice is bae..poster take her advice...
ReplyDeleteGuy you're not over reacting. If she doesn't want to hear your name, Good, invest on your kids instead.
DeleteDon't take advice from these scorned women here serious o. Do so at your own peril, most of them do have a good home.
You're the man of the house, make your decision as your mind directs you.
Never Bring your private life here if you don't want to be a confused man.
You are totally over reacting. The fact that u went and opened the business in your kids name instead of your wife means u have ulterior motives. Now u want to include ur name in her business. U should be the one watched not ur wife and I guess it wife is pissed by ur control hence the reason she still wants to maintain d only identity she has
ReplyDeleteWell, i have been married for 5years now and i still bear my maiden name everywhere. Infact the last property we got is in my husband's name and my name (maiden name). I just set up my own company and its in my name with hubby's name attached. We have never really discussed name change and it is not an issue with hubby. Not changing my name does not make him less of a husband...
ReplyDeleteI believe he is just a confident person. oww by the way my marriage cert has my maiden name on it na. There is really no law that says a woman must take up her husband's name after marriage. I believe i should be a matter of choice. So Mr. poster and wife should have had this discussion long b4 marriage and now they are married they can still talk about it but one shouldn't be forced to do a name change.
Bearing her name does not make her any less your wife. Don't build emotions around some kinda things that can lead to resentment from both parties.
Just the kind of husband I would love to marry as per not bothered about me changing my name. I work where you have to say your name often and I see colleagues immediately they return from getting married, they begin to mention their new surname as if they have been waiting their whole lives to change their maiden names. I tell them I won’t change my name after I get married and they look at me like are you even ok? As for poster yeah you guys need to talk but I don’t see the fuss about the name thing.
DeleteI am not even understanding again. I have not effected my change of name and my husband is not bothered one bit. Does that mean I love him less? Nope
DeleteDoes that mean I don't trust him? Nope.
He knows better than to be raising unnecessary dust over it. Over time, I will ease into his surname with time, I don't even remember to introduce myself with his surname because I am not used to it yet.
Even our HMO cards bear our separate names and heaven has not fallen.
In every document, there is always a place to put relationship of next of kin, simply put husband/Wife, finish!
The only reasonable comment I've read hear today. Poster listen to this
DeleteSorry to say when u claim. When u try to discuss things u end of being labelled a horrible person speaks volumes. From my own experience u may b violent and that's y a simple discussion u r avoiding because u don't trust d ability to control ur anger. Oga I think your wife doesn't have total confidence in u and d marriage. Hence she is reluctant to change her name. U know what u have done in d past. U may have changed but it takes time and consistent good actions to change her opinion. U know what I am talking about.
ReplyDeleteWe have raised men with fragile egos and have raised women to cater to those egos. We are raising women to live for the man, and to boost their confidence.
ReplyDeleteWe have raised women who are content to take the back seat because the MAN must be in front. We have raised women who have killed their hopes and dreams, to live for a man who is not even worth it.
Women, open your eyes. The sooner you realized that a man does not validate you, the better for you. The sooner you realize that you are strong and build your confidence to live assuredly without a partner or without having to be called Mrs, you are on the path to freedom.
Do you know that this practice of a woman taking a man's name showed, in th olden days, that age was his property and belonged to him. The one One we women belong to is God. A man is not the boss of a woman's life.
WOMAN, YOU ARE COMPLETE IN YOURSELF AND DO NO NEED A MAN TO VALIDATE YOU.
.
marry your partner, not your gaoler. Not your master.
I secure men stay far, faraway from us.
bla bla bla.
Deletewomen need men like oxygen.if you like believe it or not.
Nice comment.
DeleteAnon16:50 if you like, die from anger😂 oxygen my foot! Mtchew
DeleteAnon 16:12 much as I decided not to respond to comments that sound like yours, I have to make a few pointers
Delete1. I love my wife deeply
2. The tradition of a woman taking a man's name is age old and has nothing to do with egos
3. looking at it from a business perspective, will you honestly heavily invest in a business you are not involved in?
thank you though for your comment
Mr parrot you have decided what you want to do which is why you're going round thanking those saying what you wanted to hear. Good luck to you. You love your wife deeply but you're opening in your kids name . Odiegwu
DeleteOga, please don't be offended, oh. Have you done anything to upset your wife, that made her think she's not secure with you? Apart from the fact that some women have made a name or become a brand with their maiden name (so they think it won't make sense to them to switch surname), there's a way a man will behave that a woman begins to think he's not a safe bet and she's not secure in the marriage. So even if her father was one kain, she keeps his name cos she will always be his daughter - unless her mother lied and she discovers.
ReplyDeleteWhat many men don't realise is that the decision to change surname isn't always automatic for a woman, no matter how much she loves you. Think about it this way - you're on your own and you see a brochure or website, telling you about this great deal for a holiday. You arrange your calendar, you dip into your savings, and book the holiday. You get there and it's the holiday from hell. You get robbed, you get food poisoning from meat that wasn't properly cooked, the heating in the bathroom doesn't work so no hot water for your shower, and there are bed bugs in the room. What will you do? You forget all the wonderful promises you saw in the glossy brochure, and you hightail it back home - while asking yourself, "Na who send me? I should have just stayed home." You may not even want them to upgrade your room. You may not care about the money you spent. There are things that a man does or fails to do, that makes a woman forget all the promises and believe that she's on the holiday from hell, instead of in a partnership in which she is building something that will outlive her.
Apart from in-laws trying to assert their non-existent superiority where the husband is too weak to stand up for her, another thing makes women feel some kinda way is when a man holds back. You don't talk or argue cos you're being defensive and you already have the mindset that she will make it look like you're at fault. Your wife cannot read minds so she doesn't know that's why you're holding back, but she knows you're not really talking. Unfortunately for you, the first thing a woman usually thinks when a man isn't open with her, is that there's another woman. Meaning she's not secure.
I got married some years ago, but never considered taking my husband's name till this year. Not because he didn't ask me, cos he did. In my defence, I mentioned before marriage that I'm keeping my maiden name and TBF, I have built my career and brand with my maiden name. But there's something I found out he did that blew my mind to the point where I decided on my own, to take not just his surname but his middle name as well. And to prayerfully do whatever it takes to make the transition as a brand. It wasn't money, sex or anything like that. He doesn't even know exactly what it was he did that touched me that much, and I may never tell him why. But it (and the fact that I found out myself) made me realise "Aha! He truly gets me." If he didn't do it, everything he was saying about changing name would have just been entering one ear and coming out the other.
Oga, not everything is fight matter. If a woman feels secure with a man, she will voltron on the man's matter in a way that the man himself will be shook.
Abeg make I talk to my co ladies here. If you no want anything to change about you, how about staying off marriage? Cos e be like say a lot of una wan dey single while wedded?
DeleteBut whosai!
Una no go leave amu matter alone. Una no go leave una ATM(men) alone na
Poster, that thing na correct red flag. Make you try that sdk formula so
I love love your comment. Let me go back and read again slowly
Deletethank you so much anon16:32
DeleteThank you so much anon 16:22
DeleteI second Stella's decision. Let her know how you feel about it.
ReplyDeleteshe may not be thinking what you said above. I choose not change my Facebook name blc I felt it does not mean anything and beside is the only place am still bearing my family name.
ReplyDeleteOga, she might not have anything in her mind. Stella gave you a great idea, follow it and get cleared
Oga you are overreacting. I still answer my father's name not because I have ulterior motive but as a honour to the man that almost died for me if not that God intervened. The sacrifices my father has done for me, I doubt if hubby can ever do it. Marriage is more than sharing names.
ReplyDeleteYour comment indicates he's not overreacting. Read your last but one sentence. You're saying your father has earned the right (not even by biology) to have you continue bearing his surname, but your husband hasn't. And that's the crux of the matter.
DeletePoster, you're overreacting, u bear my surname, it may mean a lot to you that she bears your name, but you do not consider that it may mean a lot to her to bear her own surname and not yours, women give up a lot for you guys, I'm not downplaying your own sacrifices, but if she wants to own and retain her identity, then she should be able to, you want her to give up everything for you, you are overreacting, talk to her and hear why she wants to keep her name, that could help.
ReplyDeleteDude....I understand you perfectly well. I can tell that you care so much about your wife and family that you are willing to bend back.
ReplyDeleteI believe the name thing bothers you because of your background but I want to encourage you not to let it bother you.
Your wife went about it the wrong way with her response saying 'does it matter'.
Most times....spouses need to realise that the way you approach a situation and the manner of words matter most to the other party.
Dude. I've been married 10yrs. My wife uses her maiden name. She wanted to change it to my surname. I personally told her not to. I told her that I love her with my name or not and that it doesn't matter that much. The kids bear my surname.
Guess what.....she Was the one asking to change it to mine.
In the grand scheme of things....name change means nothing. A lot of women want to keep their name for sentimental reasons. As long as your wife is loyal to you...don't let it bother you.
Call her. Let her know how you feel. And then resolve it.
Name change does not give her more or reduce her right in the marriage.
Plus....if you want peace of mind....allow your wife to be fiminist. E.g. Put her name on investments that concerns both of you. Draw out plans to share things 50/50.
This is what I do with my wife. It's tough being a woman in Nigeria. Make it easy for her to be that woman that trust and respect you. I wish you best of luck
Thank you Sir.
Deletethank you brother...
DeleteGod prosper u
DeleteGod bless you sir... thank you...
DeleteAll this English self..just tell her you guys ste going to the USA. Let me see if she will not change it.
ReplyDeleteIt's not really an issue to me because I had 2 id's for over 20 years but i just got to change all to one which is my husband's name few months ago so I think you over reacted but as Stella said take your wife out and let her know how you feel about the id stuff.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much everyone who has lent their voices here
ReplyDeleteMy wife loves me and I know that and I love her too. But sometimes, one has to look beyond the present.
Now, the only reason I asked for the ID card bearing my name is because it exists. if there wasn't one, I wouldn't have asked for it.
Also, I made a promise to myself before I got married not to quarrel before my kids. Sure I have broken that promise many times and I know how much it affected them... Hence my new tavty and the reason i just let things be.... Though I agree sometimes I feel I'm bottled up
From a business perspective, I believe you don't invest heavily in a business you have no interest in... Now in this case I think going through the process of name change and all, and then deciding it does not matter is wrong and......
For those who feel I may have given her a reason to be insecure, I doubt that very much. Because while I was still single, I always said that anytime I leave single hood and get married, I will not cheat and since we got married, I have never strayed.
Secondly, I do my best by providing
Thirdly, I have many times taken sides with her when there is a need to take sides
Now, much as I may reconsider my stance regarding business for wifey, I CANNOT do that in my private business which I believe will outlive me so I will maintain the kids as part of the business
I guess this blog gave me the opportunity to vent and the fact that I can vent in a slightly non-personal level made it easier....
Thank you Stella for your advice.... I will give it a try.
Thank you everyone who took out time to comment and advice... Including those who threw jabs....
I'm really grateful
You're still covering things up. Speak your true mind on the matter and don't take back how you feel cause othhers disagree. Change yourind. Don't merely change your words
DeleteFoolish man so you want to destroy your home because of surname.
ReplyDeleteAll the men vibrating on this post that a woman keeping her father's name means she's choosing her father above you, do you now get a sense of how your wife feels when you put your mother above her? It's the same argument - "my mother went through 200hrs of labour and sold her wrapper to feed me", "my father bought me my first bra and paid all my school fees". Have you people now seen what it feels like to be in a marriage where you don't come first?
ReplyDeleteI have been married for 8 years and I still use my maiden name. I discussed it with my hubby before we got married and he had and still has no objection. Many shoboloyoke pandoro folks have tried to put mouth but my hubby a full blooded proud Yoruba man has defended our decision on me maintaining my name. The problem is lack of communication about the decision. Given that it is not a usual practice in Nigeria your expectation that she would change her name is not unreasonable and your wife ought to have discussed it with you. Marriage is a partnership of 2 super forgivers so you people should discuss it and agree on a way forward. Personally, I don't think this issue is the big deal you are making out of it. I don't go by my hubby's name but I am his number 1 Taliban, complete with joint account and joint investments. My going by my father's last name does not make me any less my hubby's wife. I love him and love being his friend and partner for life. Our children have his surname and we do everything a normal family does. Pls communicate. All this one that both of you are taking unilateral decisions and second guessing one another is not good.
ReplyDeleteThe moment i marry, no maiden name in my name. i dey throw am away.
ReplyDelete