STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
SACRIFICING ALL FOR MOTHERHOOD
Good day madam Stella and my fellow Bvs , I don’t know if this is a chronicle, a story time thingy or just my way of pouring out my heart and relieving my self of all these worries . Please , bear with me if this is disjointed or difficult to follow.
When I was 18, my friends where all getting married but I had no interest in marriage at the time . One of them asked me why I didn’t want to get married and my response was that I wanted to get to a point of stability in my life first before I think of marriage. I told her I wanted to complete my education up to PhD level, own my own company and have lots of houses before I got married . She told me that I could have it both ways , be married and still pursue my dreams . I laughed and told her no , that marriage slows you down , before you know it you have children and that’s it’s for your ambitions, you are stuck changing diapers and going for swimming lessons and piano recitals . I was always ambitious and driven , and had what most people will call unrealistic dreams . Of course I was younger when I said those things and as I grew older, I came to realise that realistically speaking it’s not a neither nor. I convinced myself that I could actually have them both , career , money , and family.
So I set out new goals for myself , to get married at 27 whether I have gotten to my set target career-wise at that age or not . When I was 25 I met an amazing man, whose goals align with mine and I knew he was the one . We where both ambitious, both professionals and we both had similar goals , so it was really easy to plan our future together . It seems my life was falling into place , because I was planning my future with the love of my life and I was still on track with furthering my career plus I had a great job lined up with a foreign company.
We got married few months to my 27th birthday and I was to move to another country to start the new job few months after we got married . We used the few months in between to get hubbies professional registration sorted for the country we were moving to , so that he will start work as soon as he joins me . I quit my job here in Nigeria because I needed to get ready and plan myself before my big job/move . So I had like this 4 months gap where I was jobless and didn’t have anything doing . I convinced myself that it was time to have a baby, things seem to be on the right track and it was time to have a baby.
Now lemme state that I love my baby girl, and she is the greatest giftt of life . But I know I got pregnant because I had nothing doing and I was bored and I convinced myself that being pregnant will keep me busy. Hubby tried convincing me to hold on, let’s both stabilise in the new country before we think of having a baby, but I wouldn’t hear it . By the time I left Nigeria for my new job I was 2months pregnant.
Hubby joined me over here , I had my baby and hubby got a good job too. Months after I had my baby I was gearing to return back to work but hubby got and even better job in another town . So I had to resign from my job, I told them I won’t be returning to work after my mat leave . Now where hubby got this job is a village setting , hence there was not much opportunity for me . I couldn’t get a job there but I got lots of offers from the neighbouring towns. The problem was that the distance was much , I have to leave the house as early as 6.30 and get home as late as 8pm. It’s either that or I move to the town with my daughter and hubby comes to visit us weekends .
This means that my daughter has to be spending 14 hours in the nursery some days , and nurseries don’t work like that . Or my daughter will be apart from her father for most of the days , and that’s not fair on either father or daughter. Some friends suggested live in nanny or home based child carer, but we were not comfortable with any of that . So at the end of the day we decided it was best I stay home and care for my child at least for now , since my working isn’t essential for our growth as a family. Hubby earns a lot so for me working wasn’t about contributing to the family , but building a career and growing.
So am at that point where I have to sacrifice my career for family, and am thinking to myself ‘18years old me was actually right ‘. How do women who take a break from career to raise a family do it ? How do they cope ? I have been a house wife for 2 years now and I don’t love it. My friends are all progressing in their careers, doing big things and flying around the world for conferences and I am stuck at home . I had to delete social media because seeing all what my friends are doing makes me sad, I have this voice in my head that constantly says,”that could have been you”.
So am at that point where I have to sacrifice my career for family, and am thinking to myself ‘18years old me was actually right ‘. How do women who take a break from career to raise a family do it ? How do they cope ? I have been a house wife for 2 years now and I don’t love it. My friends are all progressing in their careers, doing big things and flying around the world for conferences and I am stuck at home . I had to delete social media because seeing all what my friends are doing makes me sad, I have this voice in my head that constantly says,”that could have been you”.
Hubby tries to cheer me up by taking us on vacation at any slightest opportunity he gets , sometimes up2 4x a year . But that’s not what I want , I don’t want to be enjoying my husbands money , I want to make my own money. I am not a business kind of person so I couldn’t even consider business . They say ,’know thy self’ and I know am a corporate kind of lady.
I turned my focus on my daughter when we agreed I will be a housewife . I drew up a schedule for her, I teach her , read to her , play with her and so on. I do my research on what to do and what not to do when it comes to children at each point in time or at each age she reaches . What I am trying to say is, I have put in the work when it comes to my girl. But when I see videos of 2 year olds reading while my girl can’t even point words on a flash card it makes me feel as though I am failing as a mother .
I turned my focus on my daughter when we agreed I will be a housewife . I drew up a schedule for her, I teach her , read to her , play with her and so on. I do my research on what to do and what not to do when it comes to children at each point in time or at each age she reaches . What I am trying to say is, I have put in the work when it comes to my girl. But when I see videos of 2 year olds reading while my girl can’t even point words on a flash card it makes me feel as though I am failing as a mother .
I know kids grow and do things at their own pace , but considering the work I put into my girls mental development, I expect her to be spectacular. Don’t get it wrong , she is amazing and smart and slightly even better than her mates but I want her to be better .
I appreciate all I have and I am not trying to be ungrateful to God. I love my family and I love my daughter in particular, I don’t regret having her and I never have . Sometimes, we just can’t help but feel sad about situations we don’t necessarily want to change .
I appreciate all I have and I am not trying to be ungrateful to God. I love my family and I love my daughter in particular, I don’t regret having her and I never have . Sometimes, we just can’t help but feel sad about situations we don’t necessarily want to change .
*Dont worry,you will be fine..I also went thru this process...just enjoy this moment and dont let that 'feeling' spoil anything for you!!!
You will soon realise that Motherhood is the icing to the cake of your life!!!
I never marry so no comment. Na to read comments learn i dey so.
ReplyDeleteI totally get how you feel cus I complain to my sister about this same thing, I think you should work around what and where you are, you have done alot when it comes to your child, so why don't you start something around you that you child can benefit from, examples are day care services hereby your child has the opportunity of playing and learning from other kids, you don't have to do it in a formal school setting, it can be something fun and exciting which makes learning playful and fun.
Deleteyou can also work on meal plans and recipes for kids who do not like eating veggies, do your research and make it colorful and fun,your child also benefits from such, it can also be home arrangements or schedules for your child's acitivies, document and share online by creating an interactive page of Instagram. You can do something for mums who are in your situation who feel stagnant in.life.
my son dint speak early so from speech therapy and a whole lot of learning processes I had to put my life on hold and teach him alot myself, it just felt like the teachers wherent doing enough, apart from therapy he is on some educative sessions with me.
about your daughter please do not force her she will learn in due time she was created to, I used to cry to my son to speak or even just call my name but now alot has improved and he the most obedient child ever.
it's a stage?yes, it's difficult? yes but always remember God chose the best person for the job.
your friends you admire look at your life and wish the same believe me, no matter how smooth it is they will get to your stage.
stella I wanted to start sending emails on my journey, when I am ready I will.
Chief marketing strategist we don see you. 😁😁😁😁😁😁☺
DeleteDear poster. God's plan is different from ours. I planned to have my PhD before 30. Finished my masters at 23yrs and I started my PhD at 25. while going for a seminar one day, I had an accident and this was exactly 2 months after my wedding. I sustained multiple fractures, spent a month in intensive unit. I was on oxygen for 7days . I was discharged after a month but I couldn't leave the bed for another 1or 2 mnths before I started using crushes. I stopped using walking stick 3yrs after my accident. I. alive today,have a wonderful husband, 2 great kids and my job is still there. meanwhile I also lost a pregnancy after the accident o. my friends tried to encourage me to finish the programme but the fear of traveling is another thing. There are times I see pple completing their PhD programme and I would be like that could have been me but I am grateful I am alive because some people died in that accident too. so whenever I think I should be in a better place , I also remember that people that died that day are in the graveyard. so I have learnt to commit everything into God's hand, I don't force things. if it is not working the way I want then it is not meant to be
DeleteI have read through everybodys' comments and this is what I have to say:
DeleteFuck you poster for been utterly selfish, ungrateful and disrespectful. I am not even going to dignify your post by eleborating let someone else with patience do that for you.
#Girlbye#
My advice to this woman is to get a job or else her career is dead! The longer you stay out of job, the harder it is to get back into the system! Marriage or Family is good no doubt, but, try and stay relevant in your field, try running a couple of professional courses online as well.
DeleteIt isn't fair that you have to put your life on hold because of Marriage. God forbid, anything can happen tomorrow and you will have to start from scratch. DONT STOOP LOW OR TAKE LESS TOWARDS ACHIEVING YOUR DREAMS OR WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. Before you know it, you beyond employable age bracket....Get back into your industry and start making your own money
Stan, this is great advice. 💯
DeleteWomen, if you want, pretend that you can’t read this comment.
I go with Stan on this....
DeletePoster,stop putting pressure on your child. She is just 2. She should not know how to read...AHH
Delete.
Calm down...just breathe...I felt breathless whilst reading.
ReplyDelete"I don’t want to be enjoying my husbands money , I want to make my own money"
DeleteWord woman, word. Wish most women think the way you do
She really needs to chill.. .
DeleteI am of the opinion that you can find something no matter how small in that village setting you are. Get a job there so that you can find some fulfilment since that's your preference .
But at the end of the day, breathe, relax , count your blessings and thank God. Some of your mates have terminal illnesses or may have even died, don't let anything define you. Not marriage, not career. Naked we came to this world .Naked will we leave.
The Bible says that a man's life doesn't consist of the abundance of things he has achieved .
Poster you sound like me. I love making my own money and corporate life is so bae.
DeleteCome get a hug!
Now, i have to caution you not to take out any of ur frustrations out on the little 2year old. Please let her go at her pace and dont force your ambitions on her.
Corporate world is all about competition and winning; please reserve that energy till you go back to work but at home, be a mum. Pamper your baby and be a mother. No KIPs, No appraisals for now. Have fun.
From your narrative, I can tell you live abroad.
DeleteSo this is my advice, your daughter is 2 now, try have another baby so that you know you sorted out or almost sorted out child bearing so that when you go back to work, you can work for say 5 years consecutively with no disruption or interruption.
People take career breaks every now and then and yours is for a good reason trust me so focus on the bright side.
Whilst you plan your second baby, do a certification to boost your cv and continue to develop yourself and improve yourself .
My take is just close your eyes and do the stress once and for all. Not working for 3 years or 4 doesn't mean your career is over. Time you think you lost you achieved other things. When you get back to work, everything will fall in place gradually.
You need a live in nanny abeg or afterschool club arrangement, you just have to get some1 to take care of the kids so you can get back to work, maybe your mom or mother in law can come over to help pending when you work out something concrete .
I relocated abroad, took a 4 year break to have my 2 kids, though not deliberate. I did 2 certifications and now am back to work. Just see it as a career break and try and achieve other things this period. You are not competing with anybody, take it easy.
All the best dearie.
It's a nice story to read
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the moment
Thank God for you and don't worry you will be fine.I am in a marriage i regret,I am blessed with three boys but it has been tears all day.I want to leave but parents wontwolet me.no physical abuse but the verbal abuse is too much.He just.called my father a stupid man that he didnt train me well.just because I want to go and greet a friend that gave birth last week and he gave me one hour to go and come back the distance to my friends house is 40min,when I protested he said I am not going again.All that is in my mind right now is that I pray God call him home.Since parents cant help me.i prefer been a widow.Stella your blog is great.
ReplyDeleteAaahhh.. Gave you one hour?? 🙆🙆 that's too bad of him..
DeleteSome men just want their wives to turn to grandmas while they are still young..
Oga oo..
IN my defense I'm not married but how do some people condone another person ordering them around. Is it that you don't have anything doing or you devalue yourself?
DeleteIt's well, God doesn't put us in situations we cannot handle.
God will not answer this kind of prayer. That man may have more years on earth than you sef.
DeleteMarriage is not by force. You are just using your parents as excuse. Did your parents tie your legs.
Sorry o. I kuku have an uncles wife that registered in widows meeting even as my uncle is alife.
DeleteBut truly o...how does it get to the point were my husband will have to approve my movement and actions? For me i let my husband know of my every movement bcs i trust his judgement and security. If he ever tells me not to go somewhere its usually backed with good reasons that is totally not egocentric.
You sound like a very lazy and foolish woman.Since you got married you have not added any single value to the man that married you.I see why he treats you like a maid.You are unemployed and lazy,you can’t survive on your own,
DeleteYou are simply using your parents as an excuse
Madam poster, what is it that happened in your life when you were younger that made you so AFRAID? See where you have landed yourself because of your determination to be god of your own life. How can you sit down and decide you'll marry at a certain age whether or not you've achieved stuff without consulting God? The same way you decided on your own to have a child because of a mere four-month transition period? Now, you're putting pressure on a 2yo because you're projecting.
ReplyDeleteThe way people treat God. You'll plan by yourself, demand that He stamp your plan - but you'll say He is your God. You lie; you're your own god.
Madam, where you are now is where you are meant to be. Ask God for mercy in your situation. That you're sorry for trying to take His place in your life. And tell Him you'll do whatever He instructs you to do, and mean it.
Poster you see this comment...it’s the truth. I was like you, planning every step of my life and projecting things like the pendulum that I was. But God let me learn the hard way, I didn’t even know it was God teaching me until someone who read Psychology told me.
DeleteThe person told me to spend the period I wasn’t doing anything with God and totally surrender my plans into His hand.
After I did that, I became at peace and living in God’s plan for me. I believe you should do same. Also if you think your daughter needs to do better, Pray For her and if no improvement, it means that’s how God wants her to be. Never compare her to others just the way you are comparing yourself.
Some of those your friends are looking for spouses who will love them unconditionally like yours. Be Grateful!
Poco a Poco
Also don’t ever rub it in your hubbys face that you left all for him but rather SAVE a lot.
This comment just spoke to me. Thank you sooo much.
DeleteAnon 15:25 and Adeunoluwa,God bless you both. This is for me.
DeleteDon't feel bad about it am also going thru the same but my sons puts a smile on my face everyday so am grateful and whenever i leave him in day are for many hrs i feel so bad.
ReplyDeletePoster I am exactly the same as you.
ReplyDeleteI am 22 and want to do my masters and do a PhD before getting married. I am so scared that marriage will stop my achievements. I have a lot of ambitions and things I want to do, but I also want to be a wife and have kids. Can't a woman have both? Be at the peak of her career and still excel in motherhood and as a wife? Is it too selfish to ask for both?
Everyone I talk to say that no, that I can even get married now and still achieve all I want to. But deep down in me, I am so afraid of getting married before I get fulfilled as I don't think I will reach fulfillment after marriage.
I dream of having a job as a Permalancer, which will give me enough time. I want to stay home with my kids. The world Is so messed up and I want to guide them so right. I want to homeschool them. I don't want to leave them in the hands of nannies.
But I want to established in my career. I want to travel and be an expert in my field. Can I really not have both? Am I dreaming too big?? The future is damn scary for us women.
I will just commit everything to God and ask Him for His perfection in all things. At least, I know that no matter what, God is with me and His thoughts towards me are gracious. And I know He sees my hearts desires and is not against my dreams.
Read the comments of anon15:25 and adeunoluwa above. Your last paragragh is the answer to your questions and fears
DeleteLife has no manuals. What works for A may not work for you...
DeleteFor me, I deliberately got married at 30. I graduated at 20, and within the space of 10 years, I had my MSc, my professional license, career and was able to acquire properties.
I have a family today and I have peace that I have been able to achieve the much I could before marriage. If I know what I know now, I could have tried to squeeze in a PHD in that 10 years. I can't do so much now. I still work but I am not high on the pay or the career level it puts me. This is the time I intentionally chose to have my children.
So the truth is that marriage slows you down. It doesn't grind you to a halt, only slows you down.
As women, you think of pregnancy , taking care of little babies, caring for your husband and then getting to work on time. You can't take on all kinds of jobs unlike your single days. Now MARRIAGE AND KIDS come FIRST unlike a single lady who can put career first.
But when your children are out of primary school, you can pick up the most tasking job, wear your Boss lady pants and go back to conquering Wall Street lol. (I can't wait).
With a supportive spouse, you can have the best of both worlds. Good luck .
Everything will fall into place and you will bless God for the opportunity to have time solely for your daughter. It is well.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry,Be Happy
ReplyDeleteDunno if madam Stella will enable my comment today.
ReplyDeleteI perfectly understand you poster, you're not alone at all.
That's the price we women have to pay for being women I guess.
Hmmm...it is well.
Enjoy the process Lady!! Don't let Nigerian mentality finish you. Since you are in a country that works, be patient when your child turns 5 and starts school you will be able to get back to your career. Remove your eye from what your mates are doing. They secretly wish to be you. It is not like you are not ambitious or you live in a country where you don't have the opportunity to pick up where you left off.
ReplyDeleteWhy would they wish to be her when they have jobs and kids.
DeleteThat's what I console myself with, very soon my kids will grow and I'll get back on track. This is the 3rd year for me at home now and I have 2 kids. It's not so easy in this abroad oo but I know things will fall into place, it's just a matter of time.
DeleteMadam, pls stop comparing yourself with your friends abeg coz you're causing yourself unnecessary headache.
Listen I work in the corporate world and was speaking to my married colleague just yesterday at work and we both make good money. I am single i told her i dey find sugar daddy or mummy o se she will be my sugar mummy she said no jor she wants to be a house wife. That is a married woman with 2 kids and her and her husband have good jobs so yes trust me they wish to be like this poster.
Delete17:46 there will always be women that want to stay home and those that want to work . Don't generalize. Her friends might enjoy working. Not sure why people feel the need to put others down to get comfort. I don't have kids yet. Sometimes people try to comfort by saying those that have kids wish to be in your position. Sigh. How does that help me biko
DeleteThat's how she would be putting so much pressure on a child that is just entering the world.started expecting much from a 2 yr old? Woman you are really too ambitious. Better takw it easy.
ReplyDeleteYou will be fine poster
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing
Poster, motherhood is not the icing to any cake.
ReplyDeleteWe are all wired differently, you can be a mother, a wife, and a career woman. You have to do what works for you else you end up resentful.
Maybe try reevaluating the live in nanny situation, so that you can actively join the workforce again. It’s not an “either or” situation.
It doesn’t make you a bad mother for wanting to have a life of your own that doesn’t have your family in it, rather it will probably complete you.
Take care of yourself, it’s when your happy that your husband and child will probably benefit from you.
Amen. Get a nanny or take a job a hour away. Take the nanny to your new place and hubby will be coming weekend. As it is, hubby and kid have an unhappy mother and wife and no good there. Option 2, is it possible to remind remote work from home jobs in your field. Maybe reenter the workforce that way. Or if you just need to work, find any small part time job. A little bit of daycare is good stthis age. Maybe two days a week you go out and work. Or have another baby and knock this phase out at once
DeleteAwwwww,,it will end well Poster,just enjoy this free period cos very soon you will crave for it
ReplyDeleteSome have it better than others as regards career and life balance, however in your case you may have to delay till your kids get to a stable age before continuing with your dreams.
ReplyDeleteYou will be fine poster, one step at a time. I also have such dreams, I got my masters and paused my dreams of having my PhD and building my career. Everybody wanted me to just finish all about school before marriage, but I wanted a family, I wanted to get married, give birth to 2kids, nurture them to a point and then go back to get my PhD. I never believed doing business was my thing. I had this thing for cooperate environment.
ReplyDeletePresent day, am married to the most wonderful man, I couldn't get an office job, doing business now and praying for the big fat 2red lines. It's being 1yr plus and am praying that before my 2nd anniversary, I will be blessed with my bundle of joy. Am hopeful.
Amen amen Amen
DeleteGod will do it for you. Amen
Deletelife can be frustrating sometimes but one should be grateful for that which they have, don't think much ,take like easy and watch things fall into the right places. You are even lucky
ReplyDeleteThis is just a phase.... A chapter in your life, it's not your entire life.
ReplyDeleteJust enjoy it...
You think you are idle, because eyiu don't get dressed, glam up and go work in offices and companies..
Hmm.... Motherhood no be beans o.its a lot of work...... Only short sighted people think once a woman stays at home , she's idle.
Make the most of the season, it could be God is preparing you for something bigger....
I have a friend. She schooled abroad, got married and came home with her hubby. Her hubby was posted to a district, he's a doctor.
She with her masters degree could not get a job, no job opportunities in the district.
She was bored with the whole motherhood routine .
She went to learn how to sew in the district.
When the kids are asleep in the night, she started writing a book.
Now, she has started an Ankara clothing line for kids. Well packaged and modernized .
Her books are ready, she's looking for a publisher.
We spoke some days ago, and she told me she just got a job in a big city. She moved with the kids, her hubby will come visiting and finally join them soon.....
She said, she believed God kept her in that district to birth the projects she has now....A clothing line, books waiting to be published, and finally a job... Within a frame of four years.
She said If she had gotten a job straight in the city after moving back, she won't have achieved as much as she has now. Distractions and other things...
Enjoy the phase.... Enjoy the solitude... What do u enjoy doing..?. What have u always wanted to do?
What skill do u want to acquire?
Read books online, take some free courses online... Just choose to enjoy the phase.
As for your friends, social media is a mirage. Don't be deceived. Only your world is real and true to you. Accept your world and beautify it.
Poster, you ve one problem which is "comparing your life to others lives " We all can't be the same...Your friends re doing well in their career and so? Re you not doing well as well? As long as you re ok and don't beg to eat then you re doing well
ReplyDeleteYour daughter can't read while her mates re reading and so? Being able to read doesn't mean they gonna be smarter than your daughter in the future , appreciate what you ve in your life and be happy. Do you know how many women want to be full time housewife? Thank God for your life that you don't go through such stress of combining motherhood with work because being a mother is a work on its own.
Am actually in this phase of life. It's really not easy but I encourage myself each day.
ReplyDeleteI'm not married or have a child yet but if I may advise you; I would say. You seem to be good at taking care of babies. Why not turn it into a job and make money out of it while you are home for now baby sitting your lovely daughter. I advise you discuss with your husband and if both of you agree, you can baby sit for people in your area in your house at a fee. They drop the children with you at home and pick them up after work. That way, that void of making your own money can be filled.
ReplyDeleteAbout your daughter, please excercise patience. We all do not do things at the same pace; it does not mean anyone is better than the other. Concentrate on her strenghts and help her become better at it while working on the weaknesses. I wish you the very best.
That's not the type of job she wants
DeleteLol. At some point, we will all come to the realisation that what we think we don't want (in our short-sightedness that we think is wisdom), could be part of God's plan for us.
DeleteOnce you live this life bearing in mind that life is not a competition. You will have your peace. We worry about so many things. When you take a closer look at those your friend. You will discover that you are much better than them in so many ways. Relax destiny's differs.
ReplyDeletePOster don't worry, my life too has been on hold for years now because of motherhood, hubby is not around so I have to be on ground for the kids, it's not been easy I must say, I have tried my hands in so many business but I don't have fulfilment in them. Now I am counting days to start again, things are begining to fall into place.
ReplyDeleteI am happy I put everything on hold because of kids,it's worth it.
Just relax, everything will fall into place in no time. Cheer up dear and stop comparing yourself with your friends, social media can deceive o.
I understand how you feel because I'm in your shoes. Thank God you have a very understanding husband, why not use this time to further your education or get additional certificate. The road can really be boring but I love
ReplyDeletethe way you are investing in your daughter but please don't push her too much. Some children are not mentally ready at that age, make learning fun for, get her books with fascinating pictures, read to her everyday. She will naturally develop interest in ready.
I was unnecessary disturbed with my son attitude to reading when he was three years old. When the young man is tired he will just tell his teacher he wants to sleep, he writes when he wants to write... Lol
The work load was too much for him but he was smart enough to slow the teachers down. Lol....
I allowed him and told the teacher to allow him to bring any unfinished classwork home.
We just love to overwork this children especially in Nigeria. My son is now five, I don't force him to read or write. He just enjoy doing it.
My dear sister enjoy being married, enjoy motherhood and enjoy every bit of what life offers you because you will never travel this road again. Wish you all the best in life.
wow sometimes things don't go the way you plan.there's always a difference between how you want things to go and reality.but you're not doing bad at all for now. a lot of your mates haven't gotten to where you are now. you can still look for a way to shuffle between family and carrier and you'll be good to go (I see Mercy Johnson doing it)
ReplyDeletedid you say you are not a business kind of person? hmmm I'm not a corporate kind of person either
To add, as for your daughter, as far as she's getting better than yesterday, you are good to go.
ReplyDeleteIt's very easy, but also detrimental to compare one's kid to other kids.
While you take care of others, it's more important you take care of you.
You can also join clubs or groups in churches or other good social settings
I sacrificed for motherhood, big time.
ReplyDeleteI had my baby out of wedlock when I was very young in the Uni.Along the line, I graduated, started working and met a man who later relocated abroad.
He told me to relocate to join him as he was making arrangements for our wedding.
But gave me the condition not to relocate with my child. I should either leave her with my parents or forget the marriage.
Mennnn!!! I dropped him without thinking twice. What helped me to make that decision was I was working and earning salary.
That child now is everything to me. A shining and promising star with good future.
Can you imagine that he does not have a child till now after marriage of over 15yrs.
God bless the hearts of good and loving mothers. My daughter is excelling beyond comprehension.
Some of the things women call "sacrifice" are what they're ordinarily supposed to do, but they want to be applauded for! Where is the sacrifice in saying goodbye to a selfish man that wanted you to throw away your child? Is that the only man in the world that you'll term what you were supposed to do, a "big time sacrifice"??? I hope you reconsider your mindset and never get to the point where you feel like your child owes you because you just did your job.
DeleteYou're putting unnecessary pressure on yourself self.. . One day at a time. Relax, life is too short for you to be so so worried. So many will kill to be in your shoe.
ReplyDeletePoster...
ReplyDelete1. Life is not a competition
2. We all make plans but sometimes those plans don't work out how we want. In that case, re-strategize
3. Enjoy this season where you are. When you start work again, you will miss this time you spent with your daughter.
4. Stop projecting your own dreams and whatnot to your daughter. No 2 year old needs this kind of stress you're giving her
Which 2 year olds are reading? You better stop comparing your little girl to other kids. If you feel in your heart she has a delay, get her help. No kid reads at 2 by the way, only if they are “gifted or autistic”. Another thing is this...because your daughter is only with you at home, it may take her a little while to speak. Spend your time playing with your daughter and reading to her as much as you can. Play play play with her. Take her out...show her her environment. Talk to her like she is an adult. Tell her about your day and what you are doing. Drop your mobile phone and engage her. It may seem hard but in the end it’s worth it. Don’t expect change in a month, give her time while you interact intensively with her. Enroll her in a school so she can socialize with other kids her age...this helps with language and speech development. Remember your girl has long years ahead of her to read and do so many academic thing...for now, let her be a child. I totally understand what ht you are going through with your daughter, being a SAHM and having you career on hold in another country. I am going through it at the moment too.
ReplyDeleteKids read at two
DeleteDon't be stupid anon 16:42
DeleteAnon 16:42 recognising alphabets or cue cards is not the same as reading. You people will push children till they have a mental breakdown!
DeleteThis is simply different phase in your life.. being at home doesn't mean you have to be idle. This could be an opportunity for you to start up something. So get up and get creative!
ReplyDeleteRegarding social media comparison, my sister don't be deceived, there are a lot of women working right now who wish they had the opportunity to stay home and raise their children. A lot of people dread the 9-5 life. There is absolutely nothing to be envious about as most of the time you don't get the full picture of their day-to-day struggles.
Finally, I sense depression. Please see your GP/doctor to get put on some meds (e.g. fluoxetine) it will go a long way in elevating your mood.
You are blessed with a supportive husband and a beautiful daughter. Enjoy it!
You have no problems. Your problems are woman made. Have another baby already
ReplyDeletePoster please relax and enjoy this time you have with your Child, trust me when you start your career full time it won't be easy. I was like you too, pursuing career and wanted to be self made before motherhood.
ReplyDeleteNow I have 3 kids, still a Career woman with a very demanding job and I sometimes wish I could Just stay home and be with my kids more. Times will come when you would get tired of flying, tired of seminars, meetings, trainings but you just have to cos it's required. It becomes tougher when you become a senior manager and you manage lots of people, trust me it wont be fun anymore. Speaking from experience
So technically you are 29years. Since you are already a professional you have nothing to fear. Have you thought of what you will be doing in your forties when your child is big enough to take care of herself and her siblings? Dear you are on a right track thank God there is money is just be patient a bit and everything will fall into place. What kills most is the timing we give ourselves its good buy also put pressure on us. Life begins at forty. Just be positive and take in for the second baby while you wait.
ReplyDeleteNothing to fear?
DeleteHave you read up IFRS 9,15,16,17? Are you aware that all companies must adopt IFRS 9 from Dec 2018, aside Insurance?
Time waits for no man
The thing with her profession, if it’s audit, is that she has to be on the go. It’s easy to be outdated if you don’t keep learning.
God bless you ma’am
Dear Poster, the biggest miracle in life is when you sleep and wake up, eat, drink, walk and reason without assistance. Be grateful to God and every other thing will be added. Shallom
ReplyDeleteI actually understand your points. I used to be a girl with ambition but marriage changed all that. I got married 2017 and got pregnant that same month. I had finished my MSc research just waiting for defense. Do you know that my mates graduated last year and I am yet to defend my project till date? Pregnancy wahala, motherhood, work couldn't let me . I must squeeze out time and do that this year. Sometimes, I tell myself that I should have waited for more years before getting married. It's not been easy but I'm grateful
ReplyDeletePoster, your problem is competition. Forget what your friends are posting online, you might be far better than them; enjoying more peace. Infact you need to have another baby right now. After taking care of them, then you can like rocket bounce back into your career. ENJOY THE PROCESS, EVEN YOUR "FRIENDS" WANT TO BE LIKE YOU.
ReplyDeleteSweetheart, like you rightly stated, I consider this a way of venting which is healthy if done properly and to the right person or persons. The notorious fact is, life doesn't necessarily turn out the exact way you planned. It could turn out better or worse. The key to happiness is having an attitude of gratitude and learning to thrive in spite of the hand you're dealt.
ReplyDeleteIt's very difficult to count your blessings when you feel overwhelmed with negative emotions due to second guessing the decisions you have already made. Sweetie, it's never too late to get back to the corporate world. Consider yourself in one of life's waiting rooms. Thank God for your angel and nurture her till when she's old enough. You may not feel it now but, trust me, you will later down the line.
Honey, do you realise you may be projecting? Your impatience with your daughter's progress could be a reflection on how you feel about not achieving your goals. One of the worst things you can do is to compare your child with some other child or children. There are so many factors responsible for a child's intelligence and mental capacity. The genes of both parents play a major role too. Some children are late bloomers but BOY! when they bloom they surpass all expectations.
Your angel is at her formative years so you have to be very careful. Don't show frustration if she seems slow, it can take a toll on her self esteem. A lot of individuals with self esteem issues, had parents or a parent who made them feel inadequate or not good enough. Intuitively, they start seeking validation from the wrong people and end up in emotionally and psychologically abusive relationships. Another factor you may be overlooking is, you, my darling, are not equipped to tutor a child of that age. There are people who are trained to tutor little children. In the areas you feel you failed, they will excel.
Now that you have ventilated your feelings, thank God for the wonderful family you have. A loving, financially stable and caring husband and a beautiful healthy angel. Some of the "successful" ladies you admire will give an arm and a foot to have half of what God has so generously blessed you with. Attitude of gratitude honey, attitude of gratitude. You still have your whole life ahead of you, you've barely scratched the surface. Your best days are still ahead, don't be discouraged.
e-hugs and kisses.
Is this our Ronaldaaaa??????
DeleteThere she is! Iphie, my buttercup! Was wondering when I would "run" into you. Yes, sugar, it's Ronnie in cyber flesh. How have you been? How's our baby doing? I hope you know you were missed terribly? So good to hear from you, darling. Will "troll" you when I get back from church. Lol! Happy Sunday my sweet.
Deletee-hugs and trailer load of kisses.
I went through everything you said, I know how you feel.I had my 2nd child b4 I went to work, and my career looks so promising. I sometimes regret all the times I was sad or complaining when I was supposed to be enjoying that moment. Calm down, relax and enjoy your life. Stop comparing your life and child with others. This life is not a race on who started 1st. Pray and let God lead the way.
ReplyDeletePoster I can somehow relate with your situation, being at home can be frustrating at times, especially if you enjoy working in corporate environment . people will advise do business, turn your hobby or passion to business,I would think and ruminate, prayed n pray for business or what to learn for the main time,, everything will just be blank.. so I just keep hope alive, keep believing that one day my prayer of getting my dream job will manifest.. Waiting Period is the most hardest in situation of life
ReplyDeleteI ve seen people go into business even learning handiwork n still not find fulfillment.. just cos the are more of a corporate person.. nija sef no help matter abeg
Madam you are bored and making mountains out of a molehill. I suggest you do the following:
ReplyDelete1. Leave your daughter alone. Let her enjoy her childhood. Success is not dependent on one's IQ.
2. Enrol at the Open University online. Start by taking short courses and then start on your post graduate degrees
3. Join linkedin and update your profile. Look for several professional groups in your industry and start reading articles and papers on the latest developments. When you join any forum, don't start commenting yakata. Watch and observe for a few months. When an argument is presented by forum members be objective and examine the issue from all angles, then comment.
4. There might be other mothers like you online who may have had to give up their professional careers. Look for them in mother and baby forums but do not divulge anything of a personal nature.
5. Lastly be very very thankful that you are in a position to be with your child. They grow up so fast. No one regrets not spending more time at work. But they regret not spending more time with their family.
Hope this helps.
I will tell you from my experience.
ReplyDeleteI am a single mum to a 4yo boy. I got pregnant for my then ex bf the same month i graduated from my Msc. It was a planned pregnancy but his fam rejected me and my son so i picked up the pieces of my life and moved on.
I live in the UK, I have a very good job and I am one of those your friends that go to conferences, work from home, travel for work always. Diff city everyday of the week. I am beautiful and body is banging as i watch what i eat and gym is my bestie oh and I slay always.
When my son was 7months i went back to work lost that job after 2 months as my son was always sick from picking up things from nursery, I guess his immune system was developing then. If i was married i would most likely become a housewife with zero ambition. My ex disappointing me was a blessing in disguise. When my son was 15months i got my dream job in the industry i studied for my masters. From age 7 months my son has been attending nursery and developed extremely well. He is a gentle child, nursery helped me with potty training i only do the night one and me i like sleep o so at age 4 we are still struggling. The town i live i have no family or friends as i keep to myself. Nursery hours were 7am to 6pm if i am in the office i pick him up by 4pm. When i travel i make sure i am back before 6pm to pick him up from nursery. When i travel for work at the weekends the provide a creche facility so he goes with me.
I have been working since the age of 15 and i don't know how to not work. I am a career woman and always have and made my own money. Re your daughter put her in nursery or get a live in nanny whichever and build your career because anything can happen tomorrow life has a way of humbling us o.
My son started school last year September and he is doing so well even tho he is the youngest in the class he is an August baby. The first month the my son was reading to me in phonetics his teacher stopped me after school and told me he is a very intelligent boy. Just yday his school email me to come next friday at 9am they have an assemble and my son will be given a special award and i should not tell him as it is a surprise.
In conclusion pray pray and pray always for your life and career path and your children. The God that helped you in your career is capable of keeping your kids save while you are working. I say have an open and honest conversation with your husband on what you want, use your head sis why are you sacrificing for a child 2 of you made. You are not a single parent like me you have a husband who should also sacrifice and support you. It should be team work when it comes to childcare everyone pull their weight ni o dont dull!
Shalom
You just said you would have been a housewife if you were married so why are you trying to instigate her against her hubby? You are sacrificing for a child you made with your ex alone yet asking someone not to. Na wa.
DeleteYes I am sacrificing because I have to as a single mum she is married and has her husband with her she isnt a single mum so why is she the only person sacrificing. They made that child together, team work makes the dream work.
DeleteMadam get a nanny, put your child in nursery or get your mother or his mother to come and stay. Do not sacrifice alone your husband must too!
I’m also in your shoes,I have decided to learn how to cater for events but my husband isn’t helping at all, my learning time is mostly wkend but my hubby is not ready to stay with the kids at home, I don’t know what to do? I’m thinking of getting an old woman to watch over them cos am tired of staying at home,I have been home for six years.its time for me to do something for myself.
ReplyDeleteWhat I learned is that when you ‘need’ something, you have to take it as nobody will give it you. If you need time to learn then you have to take it.
DeleteMen never compromise their own needs for us o!
Your husband should support you by watching them or you must find someone (trustworthy) else to do it. Pray also for direction from God.
Go see a licensed therapist. You are a perfectionist and if things are not perfect in your sight you feel something is wrong. You said you put so much effort into your daughter and expect her to be spectacular, at all of two years old. A toddler is a toddler, and I fear for the pressures you may place on that child as she get older. You want to be number one in everything, and now that you are no longer number one and you see your friends lives advancing it is eating away at your ego. Mind you, you are still so very young with many more work years ahead of you, you could even start an online business but you have not tried. This experience is teaching you a spiritual lesson, but your ego is not allowing you to understand what the lesson is. Nothing happens by accident, your life went EXACTLY as how it was supposed to for you to grow spiritually. So, like I said before, go see a licensed therapist so you can work through your issues.
ReplyDeleteA little more time ma'am and you can get to do the things you planned to do,what I see is a lady who wants wants a solid family foundation and a stable home,you have those and that's what should give you solace instead of leaving social media cos you see your friends who probably wish for the life you have,if you had said you have financial restraint s then I might have seen your reasons to be sad,I decided to do bussines instead of office job shortly before I got married but even my business didnt pull through Till the 3rd year of marriage after my second child,I can assure you your sacrifice will pay off and you won't regret it,please take note to stop the comparisons,first its you and your friends and then your baby too,let her pick things at her own pace as long as you know you are doing what you should,these thoughtss s will do more harm than good ma'am,you will just notice you are sad when u have enough to make you happy!!
ReplyDeleteUr own better.. No be big deal ma, enjoy your motherhood in peace...
ReplyDeleteYou are under pressure, take things easy on yourself.
ReplyDeleteI feel by now your daughter should be in school so she can express herself better and more amongst her peers.
So also for you Madame, there are so many things you can think of doing from the comfort of your home, take professional courses, I'm sure you have a lAptop with internet as well, you can achieve anything you want to achieve.
Don't guilt trip yourself, hence damaging your mental health, baby's and that of hubby.
Be HAPPY.
Her daughter is 2. Schools outside Nigeria don't take 2 year olds unless it's a creche.
DeleteThis phase will pass, stop putting so much pressure on your child.You need to have a very honest conversation with your hubby so you can get a live in Nanny then he can be doing the visit most times .life is not that difficult there is always a way round it, stop comparing your life with your friends and seek the face of God in your decision making.
ReplyDeleteYou sacrificing too much for a man. You keep leaving your job to move to remote places with him. Look, get your kid in school, get a job to keep you sane. Sometimes, its not the money, its the social aspect of talking to other adults about stuff other than parenting tinz. I am sure, hubby will support you. Get a nanny or get your mum, whatever the case dont lose yourself cos you married or cos you got a child. Personally, I am raising my kids but i had to compromise on the time pattern to accomodate childcare, but i am still earning although i cant progress much compared to when i had no kid, but i know its a phase, once kids are older, i will get back fully and with maturity from my part, i will progress faster. In all of my hussle, i have a man but trust me, they arent directly affected. So stop taking huge sacrifices for his sake, or you will start being resentful.
ReplyDeleteI totally get how you feel. You could look for a work from home job just to keep you busy. The money won't be as good as what you would have made had you continued in your chosen career but at least, You won't feel so down. Children develop at different stages, I see those kids on YouTube reading flash cards at 2 but I am not bothered. One thing life has taught me is that everybody's path is different. Let your kid laugh at least once a day and know she is loved. Everything else will fall in place.
ReplyDelete