STAND ALONE NARRATIVE....
MARRYING SOMEONE WHEN THERE IS NO LOVE...
Hello Stella,
Hope this meets you well? Thanks for the good work you do.
A number of us have learnt valuable life lessons from this blog and as such we are wiser for it.
I'm writing to gather opinions from the SDK family.
A little background to my story, I'm the first child and first girl in a family
of 4 girls and such my parents were quite strict with our upbringing.
Being the first girl, mine was a bit worse though I now understand better as to why they were strict. Over the years, most of my suitors have been non ibos and thus , my mother would of course not quite agree to the union due to the usual inter tribal excuses. I turn 32 in a few months and I have 2 suitors , one is coincidentally Ibo and the other from Delta state(Non Ibo speaking part).
The truth is I have no deep feelings for any of these men but I am considering them at this juncture.
The one who is Ibo is from one of the Eastern states and is doing well for himself as he's a professional in his field and
is well established likewise myself. We both earn over N400,000 monthly. We both met during our internship days about 5 years ago and he says he's always liked me but as at last year hes been pushing for something serious as we had been friends over the years.
Here lies the challenge, He grew up and schooled in the East and as such can be very Igbotic with his mannerisms, accent and intonations and all(NB: I am Igbo myself) while I've spent all my life in the West.
Asides the "igbotic" nature which shows up from time to time, hes a great person and is very focused which is one of the qualities I admire
I'm usually drawn to dark skinned men as I'm very light skinned, but hes also light skinned. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm not exactly drawn to him. I have asked him to give me some time to process things and see if we can actually date and eventually marry as the goal for him is marriage.
For BVs who didn't marry people they were really drawn to from the onset, please did it eventually work out in the end? Did they become crazy about them much later? Did the love grow?
The only problem here is that the attraction is not huge however due to age I'm beginning to consider it. He treats me well and respects me. Do I wait to meet someone I'm really attracted or just work with this guy?
Part of my worry includes the fact that would I be able to be intimate with someone i'm not crazy about?. For Judgemental Judy's and all...I'm yet to "Gbensh" as I'm still a Virgin, Team Mermaid all the way!!!.
Kindly share with the family. Ill be in the comment section.
Thanks a lot.
Hello Stella,
Hope this meets you well? Thanks for the good work you do.
A number of us have learnt valuable life lessons from this blog and as such we are wiser for it.
I'm writing to gather opinions from the SDK family.
A little background to my story, I'm the first child and first girl in a family
of 4 girls and such my parents were quite strict with our upbringing.
Being the first girl, mine was a bit worse though I now understand better as to why they were strict. Over the years, most of my suitors have been non ibos and thus , my mother would of course not quite agree to the union due to the usual inter tribal excuses. I turn 32 in a few months and I have 2 suitors , one is coincidentally Ibo and the other from Delta state(Non Ibo speaking part).
The truth is I have no deep feelings for any of these men but I am considering them at this juncture.
The one who is Ibo is from one of the Eastern states and is doing well for himself as he's a professional in his field and
is well established likewise myself. We both earn over N400,000 monthly. We both met during our internship days about 5 years ago and he says he's always liked me but as at last year hes been pushing for something serious as we had been friends over the years.
Here lies the challenge, He grew up and schooled in the East and as such can be very Igbotic with his mannerisms, accent and intonations and all(NB: I am Igbo myself) while I've spent all my life in the West.
Asides the "igbotic" nature which shows up from time to time, hes a great person and is very focused which is one of the qualities I admire
I'm usually drawn to dark skinned men as I'm very light skinned, but hes also light skinned. Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm not exactly drawn to him. I have asked him to give me some time to process things and see if we can actually date and eventually marry as the goal for him is marriage.
For BVs who didn't marry people they were really drawn to from the onset, please did it eventually work out in the end? Did they become crazy about them much later? Did the love grow?
The only problem here is that the attraction is not huge however due to age I'm beginning to consider it. He treats me well and respects me. Do I wait to meet someone I'm really attracted or just work with this guy?
Part of my worry includes the fact that would I be able to be intimate with someone i'm not crazy about?. For Judgemental Judy's and all...I'm yet to "Gbensh" as I'm still a Virgin, Team Mermaid all the way!!!.
Kindly share with the family. Ill be in the comment section.
Thanks a lot.
*Hmmm this is a tough one but what i do know is that women always have this special love for the first man that Gbenshes them,however my dear if you do not love him,your first experience will be messed up and you will never enjoy it until your feelings grow for him....Please if you do not have any feelings for him..if there r no butterflies in your belly and wetness in your kinikan when you think of him...please think again before you do this...Marrying for marrying sake is a big mistake!!!
Hmmmm...you better not force yourself into what you would regret later.
ReplyDeleteYour excuses are ridiculous poster...na u sabi
DeleteHe earns 400k or above right? But he's igbotic okwa ya? Oya wait for a jobless or broke ass niggar that you'll end up providing for coz at your age das the pple you might end up settling for...
Delete...with over 400k monthly, you can afford exotic restaurants & lounges where you'd meet loads of elegant guys to hobnob with... you'd most likely fall in love there even if the floor wouldnt be slippery or banana peels to step on.
DeleteSo far the desired isnt available & the available has refused to be the desired, i suggest you say No to both suitors in different languages, & dont dust those cobwebs from your V for anyone you dont consider worth giving access.
I understand another fear you have.... giving birth to an albino, since youre both light skinned, i understand my dear, me sef go fear, come lemme hug you!!!
I wasn't physically attracted to my husband when I met him. Not like he was ugly or fat. But he just was not my spec. Plus he didn't know how to dress.
DeleteHe wasn't handsome but he just knew the right things to say. You won't believe I slept with this guy on our very first date. We would go out on a date and he will spend the whole date looking at me. Like can we just finish up and go home.
Attraction and chemistry is very important in a marriage.
I don't even know what sort of advice to give. Because sometimes you meet some handsome men and still yet no chemistry.
Don't try it
DeleteYou no yarn my Delta brother own, mean sey that one nor be option.
DeleteAttraction and chemistry is so important I agree! Cannot agree more . My boyfriend and I might not speak everyday but when we see it’s explosiveeeee! We Talk about anything/nothing and so in tune.
DeleteSee this one talking about Igbotic bla bla bla... You obviously don't know what you want. Oya na go and bring Y demon I'm sure they are the people that kept you till now. I wonder what my correct Igbo brother is doing around a confused human being like you.
ReplyDeleteI have no word for you
@Fan,
DeleteYOU dey vex?
This one no be side chick na, na only advice she ask.
If you no get am, abeg leave the sisi alone
Small time now, you go gather whip/bulala 😊😊
Am telling you, she is not yet ready for marriage. Mtcheeeeew!
DeleteHahahaha no vex
DeleteYou this woman! If you DON'T know what to say, keep moving! Wetin concern Y demon for this matter? Uno nor tolowa
DeletePoster please disregard the stupidity above and keep reading to get the advice you’re asking for.
DeleteLol...you dey para o.
DeleteFan sense is very far away from you. The day you make a comment that makes sense your village elders must kill a cow.
DeleteWho did this to you ???
Fan is such a hypocrite. Hailing Davido her inlaw because he is rich. Yet she forgets he is a so called Y demon. No useful advice to give and yet will type. SMH
DeleteAlways sounding so incredibly daft.
DeleteYou seem to have forgotten that davido is yoruba abi
DeleteWhich is better? A Yoruba demon or an Igbo devil? Lmao!
DeleteFan pls grow up. There's a thin line btw being blunt and being stupid and ure becoming quite irritating by d day.
DeleteAt 32, you are still young and will still meet different men, please don't marry for marry sake. I got married at the age of 35 to my husband and i have never regretted it. Though still looking up to God for the fruit of the womb and i believe God will do it.
ReplyDeleteJust calm down, your prince charming will soon come along.
Best of luck
Omah start taking prenatal vitamin to reset your hormones. Unless there’s an underlying issues with your reproductive system, then I’ll say get further treatment. However if your reproductive system is fine but not getting pregnant, definitely get started on taking prenatal vitamin asap! And continue to pray of course. Good luck.
DeleteAnon 15.41....what types of vitamins
DeletePregnacare conception
DeleteAnon 15:41 please get magnesium capsules, they worked for me.
DeleteI used combination of folic acid and magnesium capsule for 2wks and conceived... even though i was in my mid twenties, i suffered high level prolactin, irregular menstruation etc. Please give it a try, it's not expensive, and there are no side effects.
Please watch what you eat; your diet is very very important at this point. More vegetables/fruits, less fatty foods.
Exercise is good too. Please try to get up and walk, uou can start with 5mins walk and consistency will take you to a fit place (please note that fit doesn't mean skinny)
Prayers: pray fervently and worry less about conception, God will show up for you. Amen
They always treat you like a queen when theyre chyking you or havent tasted the cookie...
ReplyDeleteIf that love is not there, it doesnt grow oh, only grows down.. just bet me the moment u agree for the one u dont really love, you'd see this amazing guy hitting on you and you'd so regret not waiting
Anon 15:09 I swear you know the Irony of life.
DeleteThat is soooooo untrue!!!! Such generalizations smh
DeleteIt's not always the case.
DeleteI married a man I never loved 7 years ago. Of course he loves me and treats me right. I thought my love would grow in marriage but my dear na lie o. No love o. Sometimes he irritates me sef but I'm stuck with two kids. Please I beg you, do not marry him. Wait for your man.
DeletePoster, if youve never expereinced that gaga love that teenagers mostly go through, i doubt you'd ever experience it, just accept someone you can wake up next to wothout being disgusted, cus if u wake up next to a man i dont really love, his mouth will smell more & run your tummy, everything will annoy u
ReplyDeleteI concur. If you’ve never experienced that teenage wave of madness kinda love, it may be hard to experience it at this stage.
DeleteU just said d truth
DeleteThat kind gaga love can sweet eh
DeleteThis is sooo not true! You’re talking about teenage infatuation??? Are you kidding? Love happens anytime. Heck it’s even better when you’re older as one can differentiate what one wants in a man. Love and lust are two different things abeg.
DeleteI experienced it at 36
DeleteI had the gaga love at a very mature age. Chai! I was wondering why? I thought I was too old for such, but it ended up being sweet torture. It didn't work. So instead I will advise poster to pray and look for the inner qualities, outward manifestations and hygiene. Good luck. Don't force yourself you hear?
DeleteLmaoooooo
DeleteTruth be told forget about all these being drawn butterfly thing. marriage is more about getting your due respect and having someone you can respect in return. If this is established I candidly advise you to take the guy serious. You can polish him to your taste with time.
ReplyDeleteNa lie oh..
DeleteIf you cant kiss him good morning its a serious problem. If he likes let him polish your toenail as u sleep, you'd not be happy in your home.
So why exactly can’t she kiss him good morning? Won’t he be her husband? That butterfly in the stomach does not a good marriage make! Trust me on that....
DeleteYou need a man that is focused, has a plan for you and your family, honest and hardworking, above all loves God and loves you. That is the bedrock of a great marriage.
After all, many ladies don’t fall in love with our men at first sight. Some even despise the men when they starting toasting them but spending time with a person makes you see beyond their faults and then begin to like them..
Take even school boyfriend/girlfriend, sometimes the chic didn’t even like the guy at all but the guy keeps hanging around doing stuff for her before you know it she falls in love.... and will start saying all great things about that same guy she couldn’t stand before
. While some girls see a guy and have butterfly straightaway and clings on, even when the guy treats them like thrash still calling it love!
There are no formula to these things..
Oh and physical preferences combat change as you mature because you see beyond the physical.
I would say give your self 6 months with him ( no sex, no ‘I don’t like this or that’ thoughts) and see where you heart stands in 6 months.
Oh, and Everybody has accent. As one of my friend says she almost missed a great man because she was saying accent , accent ...lol..now she no de hear the accent sef and they are doing sooooo good!
So you think its every woman that can kiss her husband good morning eh, you must be new on this blog.
Delete@aybae
DeletePolish him as per kitchen pot ba.
Is it Igbotic man that will be doing Lord -of the Manor-you-dont-talk-when-im-talking-bend-down-and -dust-my-'chew'-before-I-whooze-you that you want to 'polish'????
Buahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa biko that ya cartoon you are watching, raise the volume and keep watching inugo?
How can she kiss him goodmorning when she's not attracted to him
DeleteMy dear, if he is god fearing, respects and loves you and you are at peace in your heart with him coupled with the most important fact that you carry God along, I believe you're on the right path. Wasn't so much in love with my hubby while we were dating but I knew he was for me. Now ehen! I am sooooo soooo in love with him and I deeply appreciate him not cos of cash etc but how this man treats me. My dear pray about it, its well
ReplyDeleteIt works for you, it might not work for her.
DeleteAt least you loved him small but she no love am at all,two different things
DeleteMy own worry is this: can you stand his traditional igbo ways? When you marry they will definitely come out.
ReplyDeleteI doubt if she’ll be able to o. One can’t polish that igbotic mannerism trust me. Especially if she didn’t grow up in the east. A proper Igbo girl will be able to deal with it as she’s used to it. Don’t settle for less abeg.
DeleteThis your advice is the reason my aunt is still single and frustrated at 50.
DeleteHer frustration is her choice. One can live a wonderful life without marrying
DeleteSo someone can't be single and happy at 50? Smh
Deletewhat do you really want,I am beginning to think d problem comes from women, to picky to a fault... as long as d man loves you marry him( a man's love can over anything) Time no dy,so u no go turn prayer point
ReplyDeletePoster never you settle for just anything cos age is not on your side, I feel you can give this guy some time, study him, watch him well, spend more time with him, please never you give him the cookies 🍪 jar till you say I do.
ReplyDeleteYour complain about him is cod you do not feel anything for him, if you are madly in love with someone even when someone has follow come mouth and body odor you will never see it or feel. It. You will be blind in love.
Keep this two guys, be friends with them, never you rush into marriage, take your time, marrying the right person matters than the age you marry.
Lol a wise glutton once said a fufu at hand is better than 10cassavas in the farm, If I were I will go for him cos the excuses are ridiculous I must say.
ReplyDelete...but if the fufu smells too much even after eating, i'd accept garri as an alternative.
DeleteHmmmmm....this One tough fa.. Poster follow ur heart to avoid marrying to someone but attracted to the other that, that is where infidelity set in.
ReplyDeleteMy wahala for my Igbo sisis be say, when butterfly go full belle, the man come no gather ATMs, na no show again for especially her mama side.
ReplyDeleteMake you no say "I do" if you no wan do inugo?
You fit say am finish come scatter am and that time, age no go reverse; abi?
You said he is “Igbotic”, is he supposed to be ”oyibotic” before?
ReplyDeleteA full-fledged son of the soil...Mbanu!
yesterday's chronicle poster. thank to you all have forgiven my wife perhaps she's back but she still moody with little tears she is a popular bv Here cause she share most of the links to my inbox so I read when am free. I love so much back, feeling like am just marrying newly we all have our past. we are indoors all through today"close Cotton's " lock room door throw away keys"
ReplyDeleteHey hey!! Automatic! I am happy for you guys. May you grow stronger in love.
DeleteLiar. You not him.
DeleteMadam virgin, wait for a sophisticated man.
ReplyDeleteI beg you in the name of God that created you; do NOT marry a man you don't love, oh. Leave all the people saying "love will grow". I grew up in an environment I won't wish on anybody. I don't know why my parents married, but if pretending was an Olympics sport, my parents would have been Nigeria's only hope for a gold medal. My father is late, but my mother is still BITTER till today. I still hear her refer to things that happened more than 20yrs ago, that my father did. She says it was such bitterness as if it just happened. And because I don't want any unnecessary problems in my own marriage, I don't tell her anything about my husband. Because I can't vouch for the purity of her advice when it comes to marriage. All these "love will grow" people will destroy your destiny. When my husband asked me out, he said he had liked me for a long time. I honestly hadn't noticed. But I know I couldn't marry someone I don't love. I just told God, "I'm tired of entering senseless relationships. Please, if this is the man You created for me, make me love him. And do it in a way that I'll know it is You." By the time it happened, I had actually forgotten the prayer I had prayed - I asked my husband if he took my name and picture anywhere to influence me. I wasn't sleeping with him, collecting money or gifts from him or doing anything that can create feelings that will confuse me. Cos I'd been in relationships before, I knew the love for this one was very different. Don't allow pressure from anywhere to put you in a bad marriage, oh. I married at 32. Many around me married in their 20s. I'm one of those that'll say my marriage isn't an achievement because I know deep down, I didn't work for it. This one is God that gave me.
ReplyDeleteThat’s the point right there- you didn’t love him at first. He loves you first. Pursued you... and then the love grew. That’s still love growing... she needs to give the man a chance without any prejudices. What if it is the same with her? God sends her this man and she uses excuses to send him away because she didn’t feel butterflies in her stomach at first or because she’s known him all these while and never felt a thing for him? What then?
DeleteStory. Is he the only man that pursued me? There was even a other one pursuing me around the same time; I don't know where he showed up from. Also saying he had liked me for a long time. He looked like he had more to offer than my husband. But after I prayed, I developed an unnatural disgust for him. Coupled with horrible dreams. In fact, I call him "the perfect counterfeit". Knowing what I know now, I strongly believe that Satan specially packaged the second one to ruin my life.
DeleteThe love I have for my husband did not grow. It hit me like a truck. The only person more surprised than me, was him. It's something you're nurturing that can grow. And it's something that exists, that you can nurture. When I said yes, I wasn't confused or unsure. And my butterflies happened BEFORE I agreed to marry him. Or else he would have been on his own; I have heard women cheat on husbands they don't love with men they love. I never cheated on anyone, so I don't think I'm the cheating type. But I wasn't about to test that theory in marriage. So, I prayed - if the love and butterflies didn't come, I would never have married my husband. I asked God to make it clear. The OP is clearly confused, hence her chronicle. Even when you're sure it's God that sent you message, you can see some things show up and make you shake. How much more when you're doing "what if" from the start? If you see someone in a terrible marriage eh, you will advise people to be sure they have heard God in triplicate before they even venture into marriage.
But You started in your first post that you did not love him ‘at first’. It was after praying, that the live hot you like a brick. How are you different from the chronicle poster?
DeleteShe is seeking clarity
This man has always liked her
She has 2 men in pursuit of her affections has wait, is it because she came to ask for public opinion but you prayed by yourself?
It has nothing to do with love, she has an unforgiving spirit. I know someone like that. She remembers stuff that happened when she was a kid.
Delete@Anon 22:15 - Yes, she has a spirit of unforgiveness. But there's also lack of love - which she admitted to me one time. That was the day I knew that I could never ever tell her anything about my husband, if I don't want to end up divorced. Cos I have seen my mother escalate small issue into something that looks like WW2. And the way she talked about not loving my father was also with bitterness. She sees my father in every man except my brothers - which is very ironic, cos they're his carbon copy. One looks and behaves like him, the other looks like him but has her bitter heart. The sad part is she expects any woman who wants to marry my brothers to do for them, what she told me never to do for my own husband. Lol. No be only man mama dey cause problem for marriage, oh. I don't know what her problem is, but I'm not going to allow anybody scatter my marriage for me - tomorrow, they'll say it's ancestral curse that's making women in a family not to marry. All the women in my family of my mother's generation, as I speak not one is married. Some have never been married. Some married the way my mother did. Some had children for more than one man and at the end of it, left abi were left. They're all very dedicated to their religions and churches - from the Catholic to the Pentecostal to the ones going to juju that they think nobody knows. I'm not saying ancestral curses don't exist but there are things you see and you jejely respect yourself. My father's side, the same thing. Marriages crashing left, right and centre. Male and female. It's my generation - so, me and very few of my cousins whose marriages are not broken. But marriages always start to shake whenever any of our mothers come close. It's as if they had meeting cos we all start hearing about what our dead fathers did. Some of these things, we saw them happen so it's not like they're all lying. But there's nobody in my family that can swear they saw a healthy, loving marriage modelled for us. It's not from my mouth that any cousin of mine will hear, "Your mother will destroy your marriage"; anybody whose marriage isn't important to him or her, should put the words of their bitter mother over common sense. I didn't marry a replica of my father. TBH, the only similarity between my husband and my father is that they both dress well. They're definitely not the same man, so why will I allow anyone to pour their frustration of what my father did or didn't do on my husband? Frustration they didn't have liver to pour on my father when he was alive? It's inside my own marriage they want to come and grow liver? No, please. Don't get me wrong - my mother and my aunts are very industrious, so career & business advice can be taken from them. But they're my proof of "marry someone you already love".
Delete@ Anon 21:39 - The OP kinda knows the men, in that she talks to them. I didn't really know any of the men pursuing me. I had met them but as teenagers or children, so not the versions of them that were showing up to propose. I'm only mentioning two but they were more. I don't know what happened; one second, I was very single then my husband approached me. And as I was still waiting on God, these other ones started to pop up.
DeleteI can't marry more than one man. I have a background in Family Law - there are cases you see that will scar you, cos you'll see the real definition of "The heart of wo/man is desperately evil." I also come from a family where marriages shake and scatter like air that other people are breathing. Even the ones that stay together, the hatred they have for each other. I actually used to pray that my parents would get divorced and leave each other alone; it was that bad. But outsiders didn't know cos my parents were church people and very respected.
My dear, my husband knows I love him but that it's not something he did oh. He always says, "It's God" cos it's true. With what I saw growing up and the job I went and entered, there was no way I could risk entering marriage without God speaking, oh. I'd been in relationships before my husband where the love grew, or I "fell in love". The day I prayed about my husband was the day he approached me. I will never forget; I told God that morning that I was tired of entering places I shouldn't be. Less than 2hrs later, my husband came. And I said, "God doesn't answer so quick. God, if this is You..." When I discovered I loved my husband, it was like I'd known, recognised and loved him from another lifetime before.
Also @Anon 23:19 - that a man or woman has always liked someone, means nothing. Even you, can you marry all the people who have ever liked you? Do you know why they like her? Is it not on this blog that someone said she ran from her ex that wanted her to do blood oath cos he went somewhere and they told him her future is bright and she will help him rise? Why won't a man like that kind of person whose future he has gone to check? As you are, don't people do things for you but you don't really know why? Some people can see what you don't see, and that's what they're reacting to.
DeleteI didn't say someone shouldn't ask for advice, nobody is an island. But there are things only God can tell you. I remember the perfect counterfeit because of how eager he was. And I told God, "I can only see what all these men have chosen to show me. But You created all of them, so You know them. Show me what I'm supposed to see about each of them."
The perfect counterfeit started to unravel. Apart from the nasty dreams I suddenly started having, the idiot called me one day and confessed that he took my name and picture (from Facebook) to his pastor "to pray that my heart will be turned to him away from every other man, cos I must be his wife". His pastor told him to leave me alone, cos if he needs to pray that kind of prayer when I'm not even married to him, it means I'm someone else's wife. That what he's doing is witchcraft, and they don't do or encourage witchcraft in their church. So, he left the church and went to his village to tell his mother the same thing. I wasn't there, oh. I don't think till now that he realises what he told me. He married someone else but was still stalking me online till I blocked him. The liking he had for me, wasn't pure. He wanted to use me to become famous and my star (or whatever it is they told him) to shine. There's no public opinion that would have revealed that.
My husband, I asked him, "You've been in relationships before. Why didn't you marry any of them? Why is it me? What was wrong with all of them? Or is it you that something is wrong with?" Let me confirm whether it's really God that reserved you for me, or I'm about to marry someone that nobody wants cos of bad character or any other thing that will emerge later.
His character is good and he's a handsome man. But you don't marry someone just cos of good character or fine face. I have seen him in the aftermath of an accident that they thought would scar his face forever. Yes, I was shocked when I saw the scar but that didn't matter to me at all. Even with that scar (that later went), I still found him as attractive as I've done since I agreed with God. My love for my husband (that I knew wasn't cos of money or sex) was the major confirmation I needed.
To the OP - face God cos it'll be tragic if you marry the wrong man. You know what you like, but some of the things you're concentrating on are worrying. Your mother will have issues with people who are not Igbo? Lol. Everyone I know - including myself - who said they can't marry from a particular tribe, married from that tribe, oh. When I confirmed where my husband is from, I actually shouted "Jesus Christ!" Because of a past experience, that is the one place I had said I would never marry from/into. As in, down to the exact town. I had no real reason to suspect because he doesn't have an accent. He doesn't even behave like a Nigerian man. His surname is not English but more than one place have the surname. So, I was very disturbed. But I had heard God by then, and no amount of strong head I could do would make me pretend I didn't hear God. Before I enter trouble I sent myself and God will ask me, "Who sent you?"
DeleteWhen I was much younger, I heard a pastor's wife say how her father was killed with juju in one place in Akwa Ibom. And cos of that, her mother swore that none of her three daughters will marry from there. Do you know all the three daughters schooled & did NYSC in different places that were not near Akwa Ibom, yet it was only men from that particular town in Akwa Ibom that came to marry them? It was like a joke that wasn't funny. One of them went to school in an Igbo-speaking state. Another one went and did NYSC in the North. The third one in PH. Men from those places didn't approach them for friendship, not to talk of marriage. It's the place they and their mother decided by themselves that they will not marry into, that husbands came from.
Sometimes, you'll be running your mouth and making decisions by yourself, and God will just be looking at you and laughing. And He'll be saying, "Grow up and be coming. I'm already in your future waiting for you." Sis, you want to marry an Igbo man because of your mother. See the rough play you want to play with your future. What if the husband God has for you isn't Igbo or even Nigerian? You'll miss him "because my mother, inter-tribal issues". Any wahala your mother has with men that are not Igbo, let her not pass it to you before you enter the wrong hands because of her prejudice. Bad husband is not a function of tribe, oh.
poster ask GOD for direction, his spirit will always lead you aright. The Lord has made for you a husband that is suitable for you.
ReplyDeleteCALL ON HIM
U better marry the man the love will grow when u marry him. Forget about the igbotic something, u should teach him. If u pray and have peace, just marry him.
ReplyDeleteI think you should give this guy a chance, still study him and open up to him what you want.
ReplyDeleteMay God help you to make the right choice, it ain't easy getting all you desire,try looking more beyond that igbotic nature,no pressure to jump in though, as na you go carry the cross lass lass Sha.
ReplyDeleteConfusion everywhere, sis, butterfly or no butterfly love is decision. Decide today to love this man and you will be surprised that you can't even stay a sec without him. I am talking out of expirience, try to focus on the good side of him. And pray he should be good at s*x just after your first time with him all the butterflies in world will be jumping out of your stomach at the thought of him
ReplyDeleteNa lie... poster dont read this advise 2 times.
DeleteLook inward there must be something you like about him since you have been friends for some time, i still remember what RSQ wrote here abt marriage sometimes ago, Marriage goes way beyond love
ReplyDeleteYou need a man that would respect you
A man that stands by you, will never let family or friend speak ill of you behind or in front of you
You need a husband that understands and accepts you warts and all
You need a man that would mind his words around you
Respects your decisions, values your family.
Sadly, it takes more than love to be a great husband.
Stella it's not true that women are obsessed with the first man they had sex with. Often it's because the girls were already very in love which is why they had sex with him in the first place. Please let's stop propagating harmful stereotypes about women on this blog, especially not from you, a woman
ReplyDeleteMy dear please drop the details of the igbotic one. Some of us like them like that... atleast this will narrow your number of choice to one; no need for long deliberation
ReplyDeleteNnem'o!! She's lucky there's no way I can have his details. If not eh! I for don hook the guy up with correct proper Igbo babes abroad(born and breed)that are even looking for Igbo men that they can marry and he will help teach their kids Igbo. Ihukwa an Igbo person harping on "Igbotic accent and mannerisms" as if she herself is not Igbo yet she can identify the underlying self hate issues there.
DeleteLol... I was so confused reading that part. I think Nigerians can be very foolish, always seeing their own thing as the worst. How else is an Igbo man supposed to be if not Igbotic? Do you see French people complaining about others being too French? Poster obviously isn't very exposed
DeleteDear poster, my husband was far from what I expected in the beginning. But I ended up falling for him as I continued communicating with him even while I wasn’t decided if I wanted to be with him or not. My advice to you is to date this man first, and I don’t mean having sex o. Let him be the man of your life, calling you in the mornings/nights telling you sweet nothings. Let him take you out, be your man, woo you. If after all these you still don’t feel anything or see the possibility of falling for him sometime in the future, then let him go.
ReplyDeleteWhat an irony! As for me, I fell in love with my hubby, or so I thought, bcos we belong to d same denomination also same tribe,and I knew dt would make my parents so happy. Two years into d marriage,it is now I'm realizing dt he has only d qualities my parents wanted in a husband for me, not what I want. The 'love' died a natural death. So now we're separated.
DeleteI've started seeing d main guy I loved right from day one but rejected his marriage proposal bcos he's a Muslim and my parents would never consider him. Luckily for me, he's still not married.
After my divorce proper, we're geting married and this time I'm going to damn what anybody says cos this is d person dt makes me happy.
We differ though, but I can't manage a man just becos I wanna stay married.
Love is a decision, leave all dos butterfly in tummy tinz, it's better the man loves you more and respects you, I met my hubby and under 3months we are married, I didn't feel anything for him, matter of fact I was dating my bf that I was crazy about but when marriage came knocking, bf wasn't ready, I married hubby and it's 12years now with 3kids. Biko settle down, marriage with the one you love or not, there will always be ups and downs, love is not enough. understanding, communication, patience and lots more is what u will need. Marry him and use the igboticness for humour. you wont even know at wat point you started feeling something for him cos I assure you that you will! Even better that he'll be your first cos nothing to compare him with
ReplyDeleteAnother bad advise..
DeleteStop telling her to take your route cus it worked for you...
This is NOT TRUE!This would only work for unexposed semi literate women or men, who have a very narrow view of life and think marriage and the use of their uterus is what defines them as women and validates their womanhood and existence. If you are well educated, exposed and have depth this sort of bullshit advise would never work for you at all. Personally, you sound like you do not know what you want.Marriage is not mandatory so I do not relate with Nigerian women who are almost always desperate. Sometimes I am sad I did not grow up in Nigeria connected to the culture and all but when I read advises on the chronicles that are posted, I am shocked at the primitive almost surreal type thinking and the advise women are given. Honestly I want somebody to answer this question, why do Nigerian women think marriage is mandatory?? Is that what they teach women and girls in schools? This sort compulsion to be married at below 30 or at a certain timeline at all is common with Nigerian ladies in the States. There must be something in the way girls are raised there that causes this sort of desperation. It is inconceivable that somebody would consider marrying a person they don't love or are attracted to. It just does not happen! How? Why? To what end? There needs to be some sort if overhaul of the thinking in Nigeria and I am not talking about throwing the culture in the garbage but just a tad bit of refinement. This chronicle seems ridiculous, you don't like somebody? Then not only should you not marry them, you should not date them! The only think I can really point out is that basing your choice of lover on how dark skinned they are or attractive they look can come bite you in the butt later because human age and they don't always look good in the process, so better be damn sure you love the person's mind. I hope you make the best decision for yourself. Good luck!
DeleteMarriage is not mandatory but if you want to sleep well at night & walk around freely with respect, then you better find a man, world people will not let you be... family on ur neck, friends on ur neck, even ppl that dont know you.
DeleteNK tell yourself the truth, you are not happy. you married cos age came knocking and you are just existing....poster doesn't listen to all these i must marry people...me i married at 35 to my hubby and it was and still sweet love. we gist, play,yab each other,talk and gist for hours and sex life is good. even when we quarell and keep malice and come back together its explosive. poster is this man the only man left on planet earth? dont let people pressure you abeg...you married your husband for the sake of i must marry so you expect her to do same abi?
DeleteI never had any strong feeling for the ex that disvirgined me. He loved me and I liked him. He was caring but I never prayed to marry him not to talk of getting pregnant for him. We parted ways without fight. So poster, forget your age and see if option C will come along.
ReplyDeleteI married my husband not because I was really in love with him but because I felt I was the answer to his prayer. I felt that nudge. I liked him. He painted a picture of a future I had been dreaming of, I liked that future and it felt good to work together to create that future. But the challenge was that deep intimacy was the problem. I thought the intimacy will come in marriage. It feels terrible now that we are married. It's been two years I still cringe when he comes closer. Sex is like a chore. I've been praying to God to help me love this good looking, God fearing man. I'm still praying. I just want to wake up and feel that love that goes from my head down to my spine. I want to be able to look into his eyes and say I love you deeply. Pls pray with me. I love being married to him but the sexual feeling is not just there. Pls pray along with Anonymous. I believe I will come back to testify.
ReplyDeleteLemme tell you the truth incase BVs come here to give you their usual false hope.
DeleteThats secually charged feeling you're looking for will NEVER come, see finish has entered... if uve lived this long & it didnt come, then tell it bye bye.
You are not sexually attracted to your husband.
DeleteNo need for long thesis.
You cannot force sexual attraction.
And you cannot ask God to (loll) inspire sexual attraction inside of you.
Erm, it doesn't work like that.
'I married my husband not because I was really in love with him but because I felt I was the answer to his prayer.'
Was he the answer to yours Ma'am?
Sexually*
DeleteAnon16:23...hmmm... I think I know you very well. Your husband dumped the love of his life to marry you too and now even him is full of regret. The lack of love between you guys is mutual not one sided. That's why he's happy when you got job with another bank far away from home so you guys will only see each other by weekend.
DeleteMay God help this your marriage that will be three this February
Anon 19:29 why are you sounding like a side chick?
DeleteTo be honest with you, I can't advise you to gamble with this, yes gamble. One might say you'll love him later, what if the love doesn't grow after marriage and you'll then find someone you love and is reciprocating the love, by then, it's too late. Or love may grow later in marriage.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is marriage is too sweet for you not to enjoy, especially when God blesses you with the grace to meet your soul mate, so you just can't afford to get it wrong or gamble with it.
My advice to you is that you should give it time and while at that, keep telling God to help you. You need the help of God to get it right in marriage. Skin colour, height, financial stability et al can't give you the joy that comes with marrying the one God has made for you which comes with so much love and peace of mind. Never stop telling God about it, if he's meant for you, that attraction from you to him should spring up and every other thing should follow and if not, let the one meant for you come. It worked for so many including myself. I wish you well.
Dont marry him,he aint the one for you, you go gbensh outside later,but u didn't talk about the other dude,y?
ReplyDeleteEnter your comment..Don't marry a man you can't love. I repeat don't. Don't follow this teenagers to believe love will grow,it doesn't.Go narural,meaning marrying only the person you have this natural love for.you can only fight the storms of life together with a loved one.
ReplyDeleteMy dear, I suggest you give this guy a chance. My hubby was igbotic too when we met.Also I never liked the fact that he was so lean. I never liked slim guys. But I thank God I married him. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. At times the best things of life are not that flashy and if one is not careful you can go for the wrong ones. Please give him a chance.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever thought of the fact that you have an inferiority complex as regards to your heritage being an Igbo person as a result of growing up in the West and being made fun of or seeing people of Igbo descent being made fun of because of their accent and mannerisms? The problem is with you and not the young man. Peter Obi has the most "Igbotic" accent everbutI will marry him ten times over before any Nigerian man with fake accent. Late Amazon Dora Akunyili had an igbotic accent, Charles Soludo has an igbotic accent. Go figure. They should have Hausatic or Yorubatic accent okwaya? Anakogheri! I'm sure you won't have a problem with a Yoruba man that calls egg "hegg" okwaya?
ReplyDeleteMy advice: please leave that young man for a well deserving Igbo girl who was raised in the East and has no problem being with a real Igbo man. Go and find a man who you are attracted to. Don't subject that guy to a life of misery please.
God bless you my sister. She has low self esteem based on the insults she hears from the yorubas. I was raised in yorubaland and I schooled their too, I did not see any sophistication based on tribe. sophistication is based on family background, environment, peers, etc. Instead of her to say the man is a typical village man, she is here talking non-sense. Let her enter Ogun state to marry one from those mud houses.
DeleteU know what she means by igbotic job.bits not about tribe. There are some Yoruba guys that also speak like 10 tribal marks and Amala. Their felllow Yoruba girls think they are bush too
DeleteDon't mind her. Even 'almighty' chịmamanda speaks English with an accent, Pete Edochie speaks with an accent. I'm sure she doesn't speak better than these people. She really needs to leave that guy for someone who appreciates him and keep waiting for her own man. Imagine the low self esteem
DeleteYou all calm down. Accent is not the most important quality but if it matters to her she should not ignore it. It is better she marries someone she won't be ashamed of. She is the one that will live with him.
DeleteAnd these are your definitions of igbotic? Iv seen razzzzzzz igbotic men. Even talk with saliva pouring out of their mouth. Disgusting.
DeleteAnọn 23:24
DeleteEveryone here is of the opinion that she should not marry the guy because sincerely she will make him miserable and he can do better than someone with her thought process. Igbotic man that girls in the US are looking for to marry. She should leave that man for people who know what to do with Igbotic men.
adabekee your husband is igbotic deal with it and stop littering this blog with your frustration...my husband has no accent and i could not stand igbotic men..bush men, ndi omata boys. inferiority complex has nothing to do with it. i speak english so why hang around someone who cannot put their tenses together? dem go wear high waist trouser dey hold crotch area up like say na fight and whose life ends in their spare parts shop..lol.you see some girls with masters degree married to an igbotic man with stupid mentality cos of money...las las u see them cheating with a guy on the same page with them socially and intellectually..na me send you to marry man wey eye no open? .some of us who can't stand igbotic men knows what she means so zip it. poster pls wait for your spec, it will come. many good igbo men out there
DeleteDear go ahead with the igbotic man since his only flaw is being who he is, correct him with love and watch him upgrade to ur taste. Now is not time to be confused my, make a decision now.
ReplyDeleteInferiority complex will not kill you people! Is this man a dog that has to be domesticated and tushed up to her stupid and non existent standing/status? I pray he reads this update and flings her away like hot coal! A full grown professional Igbo man's crime is that he is "Igbotic"?? Chaiii!! The guy in question has suffered in the hands of nwa banshi.
DeleteAbeg hes igbotic. Go and hit your head on the wall. Deal with it that some igbo girls dont want igbotic men.
Delete🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👍👍👍👍👍
Delete19:43 like you
Poster didn't say it is a crime, only that she didn't like it. Y'all are coming for her head as if she killed someone. Her preference is hers for whatever reason. She told you guys in confidence to obtain advice, not be abused.
DeleteThank you anon 19:43. Nwa nbanshi no be small mtchewwwwwwwww
DeleteThe Igbo guy seems to be the one. It doesn't seem like he has any real character problems. Maybe you can start taking him out to sophisticated places and introducing him to different ppl who are a bit more refined to see how he does. Oftentimes when ppl are stuck in one mode it is usually from lack of exposure to other influences, so make an effort to take him out of his comfort zone by traveling more, introducing him to new ppl and new experiences and it should help. Also please query his belief system on a husband and wife roles, because he may have strict beliefs that you are unaware of that may truly cause problems in a marriage.
ReplyDeleteWhat an insult! Taking a full grown man out to change him and upgrade him because he's "Igbotic"?!! Are you kidding him? Let her leave that man alone and marry her spec! There's nothing wrong with that guy please. If he can be a professional and being doing well while being Igbotic as she put it, then there's nothing wrong with him! Let her find a non-Igbotic man and marry biko!
DeleteI never wrote that she should change him. I wrote that she should expose him to different settings and see how he does. If he cannot handle himself or change according to the environment then it is up to her to decide if she can put up with that. Even I eat and behave differently if I am in a fast food place than in an upscale restaurant. I speak and carry myself differently according to the setting. If he is a professional he should even be better able to adjust himself to his environment and know when to change his carriage according to the settings.
DeleteVery nonsense advice. Take him to sophisticated places to meet refined people as per what? Did he just emerge from the bush? Nonsense
DeletePeople should stop telling women to lower their values. Women deserve good things, good sex, their own ideals of perfection. We never tell men to settle yet here we are. And we wonder why it’s so easy for Nigerian men to treat us like trash though they never do the same to white women or even women from other African countries.
ReplyDeleteGbam. Poster i like the fact thst you know what you want. Please dont marry him. You will hide him and he will irritate you in that marriage.
DeleteAbi o! Women are expected to lower their standards across all parts of life in contrast to men who are expected and advised to aim for the best of everything. I agree with you. In fact that is why many Nigerian men behave as if they are doing their wife a favour by being with her. Then you add children to the mix and the woman is at a serious disadvantage.
DeletePlease never settle for less!
Experience has taught me,marry a man who has more love for you than you do for him,don't marry a man who gives you buterrflies in your Tommy who makes you giddy,marry a man who respects you,who u feel secure around.believe me,the so called romantic love feeling is Neva enough,it fades with time,but mutual respect, commitment stands the test of time.
ReplyDeletethat a man who loves you more is bullshit. so i will marry a man i dont love?for both parties the butterfly in your stomach feelings fade after a while so its the friendship and chemistry that sustains the marriage..romantic love/feelings happens in every new relationship. those are the memories that sustain you when the feeling begins to wane after a while
DeleteThe Japanese, French, Chinese man is not ashamed of his accent when he speaks English. Some cannot even speak English, yet they are confident international representatives of their heritage. Quite a pity how the traditions of the west have come to define who we are.
ReplyDeleteAs for butterflies in the stomach stuff, my dear, I'd rather you be led by God than trust in feelings that MAY lead to future sadness. When God gives you the right man, be rest assured that you will have a blissful life afterwards notwithstanding how you felt when you first encountered them. Many sad marriages today started with butterflies running amok in tender bellies. God's choice hardly ever fails. Let Him guide you. You'd even be surprised it might not even be this true born Igbo son of the soil.
Well english is our first language. Those people you mentioned still study in their native language, so yes doesnt apply to US. Igbo is not the work or school language please, so she wont do igbotic man so respect that.
DeleteYou are very ignorant to say English is your first language. Do you speak English like the English man? I'm sure when you speak English, Americans will say 'I didn't get that' hundred times. English is your first language ko!
Deleteadabekee you are the stupid one here oh...so in your mind you think a chinese girl who speaks good english (yes some do)might not have a preference of a man who also speak good english without the chinese accent? . you think with all these other languages there are no social preferences. the issue here is that most of these igbotic men are not exposed and have other characteristics that will conflict with yours..maybe your anger is cos she said she lived in the west, yes i have met yoruba girls who will not marry a yoruba man with the H factor...if you speak english speak it well. who told you all americans will marry each other cos they all speak english? igbotic men that will call america Emerica....abeg fuck off and stop defending your husband and his igbotic ways
DeleteWhy not consider one Yoruba man with Yoruba accent and mannerism. Your mum will agree when you clock 40
ReplyDeleteGet honey to drink.
DeleteSimple!
DeleteSeek the face of the Lord,don't just assume and go with looks, tribe or finances. It's a forever thing.
ReplyDeleteAnon 17:42 I love you. You said of all
ReplyDeleteIf you go ahead and marry him, there are 3 things involved;
ReplyDelete1. You'd quietly resent him and be permanently unhappily.
2. You'd openly resent him which would always lead to a fight.
3. You'll cheat on him d moment you meet another man that's not 'igbotic'.
Simple!
So be ready for at least one of d above.
Ok bye.
Dear Poster,
ReplyDeleteIm so lazy to type on this blog but you may be missing a good thing here so Im forced to chip in my two cents. You sound like a focused and level headed as well as disciplined. Make a list of what you want in a man. Do a deep soul search. The things that matter to you, and rate this guy on a scale of 1 to 10. If he scores 6 and above cos no man is perfect, take out some time to really date him and get to know him-no sex o. Spend hours talking and spend time with each other. The reason I say this is that after 5 years of marriage to an Igbo man I must add, there is nothing as sexy as a man who is focused and takes care of his business and his family. By the time you join forces together and the grace of God, you will be a power house. What type of family do u want? What type of Father do u want your children to have? Is he someone you admire and respect and want your son to be like in the true sense of values and morals. Dont worry your sons can be born in the Us and have better accents. Lol
Now back to the butterflies. Attraction is very key in marriage so let no one sweep it under the carpet. But Ive come to realise that the deeper attraction is the one that grows and gradually flourishes. The man you described up there has some fine qualities. Please dig deeper and dont loose a good thing because of mundane stuff like skin colour and accent. Most importantly while you devote time opening up to him and getting to really know him, ask God to guide you. Tell Him Lord if hes not the one please let him go away. Give a timeline, say 6 months. Access the relationship after that time. Have you guys grown closer or further apart. Then decide on next steps. Driven women flourish when they are married to focused men that have great ambition. You have a good thing here, harness it, polish it and make it shine like gold. You throw it away and another wise woman picks it up and makes a great marriage out of it.
My story plenty, I grew to love my husband, didn't love him when we started dating, we SHA got married but the issue now is I will advise any lady to ensure the man loves her more, the man should want you to marry him more than u want him to marry him, my husband doesn't speak fluently and I have noticed he doesn't expressed himself well correctly with words in English especially when speaking for longgg, am SHA in between loving him and not loving him. He is good tho, but he am beginning to notice some stuff I don't like and I always blame myself for marrying him sometimes. Jo all relationship should lead to marriage. I wish I can even advice some young single girls, but I don't want to look or sound like am not happy in my home. Don't rush into marriage, make sure he loves you more,
ReplyDeletePoster I pray you don't miss God opportunity to become a wife to your igbotic friends because of igbotic assent.so many have missed theirs and today they live in regret because of flimsy excuses.poster yield to the guidance of God.its well
ReplyDeleteI just learned sth from your story..now I understand why in some countries eg USA, you are from where you are born. A person born/raised in NewYork is from NewYork and so on. Though you are Igbo, you were born/raised in another state. In truth, you are from that place you were born. You probably are more familiar with their food, language, mannerisms and their men more than Igbo people. This igbotic man is not attractive to you cos you are not used to people like him. Meanwhile, a girl who grew up in Aba or Onitsha will not mind the guy. I really wish your Mum realized this and allowed you to marry any of the non-Igbo suitors you liked. Nigerian parents in USA are realizing that now and allowing their Nigerian-American kids marry from different tribes and races.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to be the only person that really understood what the poster was saying.
DeleteIgbotic mannerisms? Can’t deal with that though I’m not Igbo. If you think you can go ahead. I personally would be quite put off daily. And when did 32 become old? Don’t you have a social
ReplyDeletelife? Go out with friends live, laugh, love. Travel and see the world. You will meet someone you are compatible with someday. If he didn’t have 400k salary you wouldn’t even consider him.
Don’t settle for less than you can live with. Be happy.