STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
CHURCH PARENTS
Dear Stella,
She's been with me since last year and I encouraged her to visit home(now I know why she said she rarely visits home) as I was relocating abroad for my masters and she would need a place to stay till she saves enough for her own.. her parents are pastors(worse than DL) according to her, they don't use perfumes,lycra, or wear gold wristwatches, etc then I got this mail on Tuesday last week with voice note of her crying and another of her in church for prayers with her father claiming the beatings were for her testimony..she's a bv, and I'm doing this with her permission..but I'm worried that she might be suicidal cause that environment is toxic..hopefully she'll see this and get the help/advice she needs..
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''Babe I need help. Two days ago, my parents and elder brother beat me up because my mom found my sleeping trousers pjs and that I added attachments to my hair..
While in church on Sunday, she went through my things as her right she claimed and called my daddy and lord they flogged the hell out of me,called me names. How I am a shame to their ministry and a disgrace to their reputation etc.. seized my phones and laptop,my clothes and cut my hair.. lost some locs in the process..even called army officials on me( cause I begged them to disown me so I could leave the house)..who would have manhandled me if not a woman in their midst that begged on my behalf..
I was detained for 5hrs and later taken home to sign an undertaking that I would return back to God and resign from my job and stay with them, resume back as a choir member and wait on God to settle me in the officers presence.. babe, you know they've never supported me since I graduated because I am not holy, if not for Edwin(of blessed memory) and you..they claim they have connections yet my elder brother is jobless still collecting tfare from them...
Now I'm also a jobless 25yr old.. the sewing I learnt during NYSC, I can't even get a machine at home as my mother says it's a waste of my intelligence..my crime is my independence. Wanting to take care of myself and make sole decisions .. daily I am reminded of how tithes and offerings feed me and how I will not prosper without my parents goodwill(something which I am beginning to believe).
My aunt says only marriage can save me.. so that's how I'll marry wrongly?How I'm being affected mentally is another issue as this is not the 1st time my mom is doing this. You remember when I told you Lil bout my family, how Twice in the university, I was embarrassed 1st in front of my hostel.and secondly in front of my department during my final clearance..for the same reason..? I'm tired of being a hypocrite, the reason I visited home as I was...and If God wants me to be a pastor even I can't stop it..
you know how I am naa...lively and all... but babe, I'm slowly disintegrating. My faith dwindling,..slowly eating my way down the five course meal of insanity..I'm solely back to square one..please I really need help/advice''..
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Does it mean Christians who wear trousers wouldn't make heaven or are not true Christians? What happened to showing love? I was so pissed when I heard her voice note cause I played a part in her going home.. I could only advise her to play along till a job comes up and keep praying for God's intervention.. Religion is ruining my friend's life.
*This is some serious ish,why does she leave home?must she stay at home?it is only in Nigeria you find an adult still living at home and not expected to leave until they Marry...she needs to free herself from this wickedness.....Go far away from these people and look for a Job....Since you cannot be how they want you,go far away and start life afresh,you dont need anyone to disown you first.........A word is enough!!!
Hian! These ones are very extra religious bornagain
ReplyDeleteYOU have this kind of parents and you ever went home, this is not love, and God doesn’t not exist in a place without love, so I don’t know what god they are serving cus he definitely isn’t the Almighty.
DeleteTo the own of this bad parents, my advice is for you to get the fuck out of that situation, get out and never return, they should be happy they have you. Aunty please run away again
I don’t know where these kind of parents come from, and how the mother supports the father to do such, but just get out of that situation
Tell your friend that the only thing she needs to leave that house with is her ATM card, Id card credentials and cash. Let her go far away from home if not she may end up losing her sanity. Did I hear someone saying marriage is her only escape? Hell no cos they are going to sell her off to one of their kind.
DeleteThe earlier she plans her escape the better for her Goodluck
Your parents have religious mania. At this point they can’t be helped cos they are feeding off each other. Escape is ur best plan. Good luck
DeleteThe girl sef don tear eye o. Have parents this strict and she was living with a guy. Hian
Deleteare you sure you re not being played? Girls don wise pass these ones wey she type give you o
DeleteAt age 25? abegiiii! Except your parents chained you to a pillar in that house, my view is, you do not want to leave. Make we talk another thing here abeg.
ReplyDeleteThis chronicle is just annoying.At 25?? I could have thought it was a 10 or 12 year old that wrote this.The babe even got skill and handiwork.
DeleteEncourage her to come back and live with you since you made her return. I know how hard it is to harbour people but since she isn’t lazy then you could help her with money for a sewing machine while she searches for a job. It’s sad but some parents are the architect of their kids misfortune. I don’t see the correlation between attachments, jeans etc and heaven. It’s the heart that matters and only God is in the place to judge. I’m not married and I’ve been living alone for the past two years and it wasn’t easy breaking free because my parents claimed it was wrong for me to rent a place when we had a house in Lagos but I stood my ground.
ReplyDeleteMy mental health is important and I don’t let anyone get in the way of it. I visit home weekends and all is well with my world.
The poster said she traveled abroad for her masters so she can't help with accommodation.
DeleteThanks anon I missed that part. Hard luck to the babe 😞
DeleteI think d poster said "She will be leaving for abroad
DeleteHmmmmn. This is hard. First of all she has to leave that environment/city. State even.
ReplyDeleteMove somewhere far. Look for a job there.
Problems will arise when she wants to get married as the parents will reject every spouse she brings.
Sometimes it is good to do strong head right from time.
ReplyDeleteSo sad that this is happening to her, I hope she is able to runaway and never go back.
Just imagine this nonsense. If she wears Mary Amaka skirt and secretly she's fucking around will her over born again parents know??? You can't force your spirituality on her nitori Olorun. Allow her breathe as long as she's serving God her own way. These kain parents self. Mtcheeew.
ReplyDeleteNa wah for some church fanatics... Tufiakwa and na dem dey wicked pass
ReplyDeleteI dey tell you. The parents will have skeletons in their cupboards if you investigate.
DeletePoster, encourage her to run away from that place, how can her parents be heavenly conscious and earthly useless, to their child.
ReplyDeleteOnce she leaves home, please accommodate her and also try and help her get to her feet because you made her go back to her parents even after she had told you about them.
Na so someone else go encourage ya kids to run away?
DeleteE good so?
Poster, encourage her to run away from that place, how can her parents be heavenly conscious and earthly useless, to their child.
ReplyDeleteOnce she leaves home, please accommodate her and also try and help her get on her feet because you made her go back to her parents even after she had told you about them.
Poster advice her to leave her parent house ooh. I reject that kind of spirikoko parent.
ReplyDeleteThis parents won't see heaven. They are destroying the faith of this young lady. And God is totally against it. And they are not representing God but themselves.
ReplyDeleteI hope she runs away. 25yrs old? That's way too much.
Next, they will scrutinize the guy who comes to marry her or even choose one for her.
They are wicked parents. Controlling and narcissistic.
May God help you and give you wisdom on what to do.
They will obviously want her to marry a church member. Living in bondage.
DeleteSome denominations don't encourage or allow their members to wear attachments and trousers because of their doctrines but the parents involved in this story are quite extremist. Beating up a grown up and forcing her to quit her job is the not way to go. You don't convert a soul by force. Love and proper guidance are the best tool.
ReplyDeleteI would advise she leave that environment to avoid more damage to her self esteem.
These ones worse pass deeper life o! No perfume and gold wristwatches? I reserve my comment...poster, fleeee.
ReplyDeleteI would say, humor them. But don't go overboard, They can make you go through all the motions of believing: Church services, rules about dressing or fasting, But they cannot force you to believe.Attend whatever you have to with gritted teeth. Give the impression of a sweet, young believer.Some things to consider to make the waiting time be less of a painful, distasteful chore: Your parents (very likely) love you. Your parents probably sincerely believe in their religion/doctrines and are fearful for your soul if you were to reject that religion. If you can internalize that, and see their enforcement as a — albeit misguided — act of love, it might be easier to comply. As you plan your much needed exit.
ReplyDelete.God doesn't have grandchildren, meaning that just because your parents are believers doesn't mean that you are.
The issues here is beyond "wearing of trousers" or not; which is not a guarantee for heaven. Heaven is for those whose hearts are right with God; saved by Grace.
ReplyDeleteLet's ask the girl a question. If a job; an oil job (with 7 figure salary) comes from Dubai today and even her parents releases her to go, is she going to the place of work wearing tight jean? If the rule for such a job is that she wears hijab to work, will she back off because of dress code? The issue is that she is still living with her parents. If they don't want her to wear trousers, she can accommodate that in her dress code for now until she gets a job where she has to leave or until she marries. She mustn't wear attachment to be beautiful; must she? She mustn't wear trousers to be beautiful; must she?
And to the poster, pulling her away from her parents is not helping her. They were wrong to have flogged her at that age. Or giving her to "soldiers" to discipline her. I pity them because they do not understand the tents of "faith expressing itself through love".
Take time to counsel this young lady to know that her parents are not enemies like she sees them. One day she will be a parent too. Let her faith be built in God and his word and not on her parents.
Even a job here in Lagos with 7 figure salary but under the condition that she should neither wear trousers or attachment to work, but always wear scarf wont she jump at it?
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding yourself, a parent that does not show love isn’t and cannot be a Christian. So if they were in a cult it’s okay for her to follow them since they are parents. If a person isn’t suicidal because of the way another person is making them feel the best option is to get out,
DeleteCalm down push up, no one is "kidding you". The parents are not in a cult; at least the girl hasn't said so. It is all a conglomerate of rules for the house. Every house has got rules and none there is unbearable.
DeleteNow answer the question in the last sentence there; will you take that job with that condition? Don't dodge it!
Build her faith in god when her parents who are supposed to be pastors are tearing it apart with their actions. Isn't that contradictory? A stumbling block? Only God Seth the heart and know those that are his.. even the Bible says, he will not strive with man.. who forced Saul the persecutor to Christ? Her parents have to understand the place of choice in her life and keep praying..
DeleteGive unto Caesar what's his.. if her job demands that why not.. and remember she could decide to quit if she's tired.. choice comes to play again
@Unknown
DeleteYou sure say you sabi wetin you dey yarn there?
If her job demands, she go do
If her parents demand, she no go do?
So job dey more important than parents?
Her employers would sack her if she doesn’t comply but not lock her up and beat the shit out of her, no one has the right to do that, or cut her fucking hair... you are not making any point, he job will not stop her from wearing PJs to bed for crying out loud, now did I answer your question?
DeleteI am scared for your kids mehn, how can you even compare blood relatives to your employer
Anon 15:56 you wrote this entire epistle only to make zero sense. You need to seriously re-evaluate your thinking because it’s quite faulty
DeleteWhen you tell the girl to "leave home", remember that you are a mother and will one day have your daughters "leave home" because of one or two things they do not like about your rules.
ReplyDeleteWhen another person's child's corpse is being ferried to the graveyard, it appears like a log of wood.
It’s not right to beat a child at 25 here by crushing her spirit and her inner man, even God does not force people to do anything, let alone earthly parents, especially when what you are doing isn’t right, yes obey your parents but the same bible says parents do not provoke you kids, if the Bible can give that advice, God must be aware that some parents head dey touch.
DeleteThere’s a childhood friend of ours who is even married now, but cannot still get over the trauma she suffered growing up, she can’t eveb enjoy her marriage because of nightmares and self esteem
25yr old is still a child? Na wa for some people reasoning o!
DeleteHow about those who wear maxi and shoot out babies from their wombs, suffocate babies and flush out babies?
ReplyDeleteNa only question I aski o.
They full here o; Ndi Pharisee.
DeleteNa wa. This is real shit mehn
ReplyDeleteWith religious extremists as parents, you need to take things easy. Probably because they are Pastors, they feel their children has to be a model to other children and follow the path they chose to follow without realising they can't force you. It has to be a personal choice. The more you force a child, the more rebellious the child becomes. I will advice you keep on applying for jobs so you can leave that environment asap .
ReplyDeleteStill on the matter o my people.
Please let's vote Stella as Blogger of the year .
To vote @stelladimokokorkus as BLOGGER OF THE YEAR text sma18 stella to 33352. It's just #50 . We can make it a daily thing.
If she wins ,it's a victory for not just her but us bvs as well .
I remember when I was in secondary school, and my home lesson teacher (male) flogged me because I wore trousers . I was like why would he flog me cos of trousers, I refused to change it o. Instead I used wrapper on the trousers. If he feels I will go astray because of it, then that's not the way to go.
DeleteNa real wah!! So sad!!!
ReplyDeleteYOUR PARENTS
They need to know you are an adult and allow you to live your life as one.They are super controlling and are willing to make your life a living hell so far you are under their roof.
This is not fair at all,I can imagine how broken you must be.
YOUR RESPONSIBILTY
Part A responsibility will be to keep to their rules as long as you are under their roof for peace sake.
Part B responsibility will be for you to FREE yourself from their clutches and some of the ways will be ;
-Get someone they respect to talk to them.Are your grand parents still alife? Or a close family friend,relative or pastor they respect
-Show them you are an adult by the way you conduct yourself.
First step might be to call them at midnight and have a heart to heart talk with them.(Tell them all your life you've been an obedient child and haven't brought them shame so they should allow you breathe.)
-You might have to be rebellious yes I know God said "we should obey our parents" but he also said "parents shouldn't provoke their children to anger".So you might have to get a job somewhere pack your bags and leave.
-You might threaten them that you will bring them shame by getting pregnant out of wedlock if they don't let you be.
If you decide to leave home,it won't be an easy feat but staying at home is not easy too so decide which pain needs to be borne.
I really wish you won't go the rebellious route before they have a change of heart.
I don't understand the maltreatment and asking you to resign from your previous job .Is it that they want to make you a pastor in the church?
I would have armed you with teachings on wearing trousers, opening of hair,jewelries etc but they won't even listen because their doctrine has eaten them up.
When Jesus said "my people perish because of lack of knowledge" this is a typical case.
Even God himself gives us a platform of CHOICE,your parents should do same.
I pray God gives you strength to go through this.Nothing hurts deeply like hurt from a loved one.
This too shall pass.
Wicked parent with stupid mentality
ReplyDeleteYour parents are mean. This is too much. The solution is for you to leave the house and move to a far place. Jesus sef did not do up to this when He was on earth. Is Christianity not about love? What then are they practising? I pray for divine intervention on your behalf. Kpele
ReplyDeleteFirst thing in the morning go to your parents, beg them, convince them that you will always obey them and not embarrass them ever again. Give them hope that you will gradually become a pastor. Always wake them up 30 minutes b4 time for morning, afternoon and night prayers. Buy serious Mary amaka cloths and wear, do all your house chores deligently and try to be close to your mum. Start carrying church on your head like gala, start doing evangelism. Endure this fake life for a month, your parents will be convinced that you’ve changed. Go to that tithe box carry all the money for your house rent and run. Please don’t in any way let this lead u into commiting suicide. Don’t let the army arrest intimidate you.
ReplyDeletePoster tell your friend to follow this advice
DeletePoster tell your friend to follow this advice
DeleteThe parents are making mistakes, one cannot be forced to do what he/her knows is not possible. If she goes to church at all and reads her bible, to me she is doing her best. It might have worked for them in their days but not for her, everyone is wired differently. My advice is that she moves away from them, find someone and stay with and get a job no matter how little.
ReplyDelete@poster I'm very sure that your girlfriend tried to tell you how bad things are at home but it was difficult for you to understand. Your girlfriend's parents are narcissistic but people never understand until they experience it live. Talking to her parents will likely not work because such people only listen to what they want to hear. All those things that they are doing to make her dependent on them has nothing to do with love but come from a desire to control. Narcissistic parents do not feel emotions like empathy and know how to use psychology to manipulate their targets.
ReplyDeleteTo be independent she has to move out, get a job or be self sustaining. She must be prepared for the heat. And it will be very hot because the community will be used against her and they will make sure that the backlash will be hard with the kind of accusations that will be told.
Bare in mind, her parents will also reject every man that wants to marry her that she presents to them. They will likely prefer a man from their community with the same ideology as them.
Your girlfriend is 25 years old, crying will not solve her problems. She needs to be analytical and calculative and not emotional to succeed.
OMG what is this. These parents behaves like Pharisees. In short they are Pharisees and sadducess.
ReplyDeleteGirl get the courage and leave them. Yeye parents.
I hope they too will go to heaven as they keep wearing Mary Amaka dress and worn out suit
I remember people telling my parents to stop allowing us wear trousers, my mum refused o, leave my children alone, let me guide them the part I think is right for them. Now all of them dey wear wetin pass mini and trousers, we see them on Facebook and laugh.
ReplyDeleteposter tell her to leave home, from choir, she can decamp and go very far away fom them, when she sees husband, mdo court wedding and have all your children before contacting them, by then they won't have a say any more but to collect bride price ie if they want o.
To vote @stelladimokokorkus as BLOGGER OF THE YEAR text sma18 stella to 33352
OLIVE K
This is a crime. Please search for and ring a legal clinic asap to help. Quick Google search here: https://lawpadi.com/get-free-legal-help-assistance-nigeria/, however, there might be others more suited to helping people in abusive homes/relationships.
ReplyDeleteBy Nigerian laws, you are an adult and your parents cannot force you to live at home, practice a certain religion or, to live as they wish. I believe it is best you get legal advice and help asap. Once you are re-settled, then you can look to prosecuting the army men, and your parents.
Since you learnt a trade, you should -- hopefully-- be able to practice that, and to sustain yourself. All the best!
If she is really your friend, loan her money to get a place and get back on her feet.
ReplyDeleteEncourage her to stand on her own and cut off from them for a while. I be church pikin and i saw soooo much of this, growing up. If she doesnt leave home and temporarily act like an orphan, she wont progress in life. She may get sick and end up in an asylum - due to frustration. So sad.....
Her success is the only thing that can change their attitude. Please beg her to leave.
I just got here and still finding my feet. I've got barely just enough for myself right now.. still doing my best to see how I can help.. thanks to y'all for your contributions..
DeleteU talk true my dear...
DeleteEyah.... @18:44 The thing with such people is they have been brainwashed into thinking they can't make it on their own. Cos I frankly dont see why she cant run. She should be sending you text like: "please do you know anyone I can put up with for a while?" How did she even think of resigning? If she has a job that can feed her, the only thing on her mind should be to run away. Even if it means squatting with a friend until she gets a place. The chains binding her are truly in her mind and those are the worst chains to untie.
Deletehmm this one bad o. you can pretend like all is well for some time just to gather time,money & connection, then you plan your leave from that house & never to go back there.
ReplyDeleteparents that still beat a whole university graduate? them lucky say na calm girl them born. if na me i go don run away tey tey. pls poster let her leave that environment and stay with you, look for work and begin a new life. let her leave those parents alone. they are plain evil, Jesus did not condemn anyone, so who are they to condemn? na so my mama wan use deeperlife do me then. even at 300 levels she go wan dey force me go church. the only saviour i had then was my Dad who was kinda indifferent as no be deeperlife but he liked decency and my broda wey give me mind to be myself. its really unfair to the babe. THOSE PARENTS NEVER JAM PIKIN.
ReplyDeleteRunaway, runaway and never look back. Do what you have to do to survive. Your toxic family would be your inspiration, because you never want to go back. My mother was like this to me but not so bad. She uses her words to hurt me, and now I don't go home. I live my life as an orphan and am happy. Babe, if you don't run, depression would kill you, and I understand because I have her suicidal thoughts. It was those thoughts that made me runaway from her. Runaway, have no contact with them, if you make that mistake of trying to reach out, you would regret it. Runaway!!
ReplyDeleteFake it, live by their rules n plan ur exit, it's called hiding in plain sight.
ReplyDeleteShe was beaten up at 25😲 disown yourself already.
ReplyDeleteEveryone is telling you to leave.
ReplyDeleteI know most kids raised in strictly church homes crave 'freedom'. They want to experiment, be adventurous, find themselves bla bla. The truth is, there is nothing out there.
Your parents love you and want to protect you the way they think its okay by them which is not normal but they love you. What an elder sees sitting down, a youngie cannot see standing.
Many have left home rebelliously and still returned home with something missing and at the end of the day, it is still that same parents that will be there for you. Not your friends , not your acquaintances.
Do not think your background is same with some girls who involuntarily found themselves independent due to no fault of theirs. My great grandmother once said , one day, a rat and a lizard fell inside water, cold killed the rat but not the lizard because the lizard had scales.
Endeavour to get a job, be patient, leave home with dignity and not rebelliously. Pack your hair, don't makeup(you will look younger than your mates without those chemicals). Take your time, you will meet the man of your dreams whether you live alone or with your parents.
I am saying all this because your type might be the type that craves freedom and independence so much, that one wrong step can cost you your future.
Be wise
Apply caution
KING XOXO MYSTERY
Xoxo this kind of person will never leave home with dignity. She will never leave until a church buyer comes for her. They won't let her. Best: she pretends, bids her time, gather whatever she can and disappear. Discussion will continue later in life.
DeleteShe rarely uses make up. She's a lochead. She just extended it. She writes and is cool headed.. And from what she told me, their church is against dating as God will show the pastor(her dad) who your life partner is.. what other freedom has a graduate/salary earner not seen? If she was an undergraduate.. it's a different issue. I just hope she keeps her sanity while she decides what would give her soul peace..
ReplyDelete@Unknown
ReplyDeleteShe is a writer, you say. Writers are very imaginative and daydreams about a fantasy world, that is how they get inspired to write. Writers love freedom, adventure, if they can't have it, they create it with their pen or iPad.
You just nailed everything I said. Eventually, she will get the freedom she seeks and what next. For now, she can use her spare time, create the freedom she seeks by writing.
I just want her to be wise. Just because you are out there independent, it does not mean she should be on the same path with you. Personalities differ. What you may escape, she may not be well equipped to escape it.
I am giving the flip side of things. Let her not think, it is all bread and butter out here.
KING XOXO MYSTERY
Even the white people who brought religion to us don't treat their children like this.We are now holier than the people who knew Jesus before us.If you can't treat your own child with love,what are you preaching to your congregation?They want her to live a fake life to Please them even if her soul isn't saved.Religion is our biggest problem in Africa.My dear,pls leave and start your life afresh,make sure you succeed to shut them up.
ReplyDeleteGod made us in His image, after His likeness, some Nigerian Pastors & hypocrites make or present God in THEIR wicked image. God is not mocked. If your child hasn’t been doing their homework and you found him or her hanging on a tree or in crisis, are you going to jump to their rescue or ask why she wore earrings or trousers the other day till she drops dead? The analogy is similar to the hypocrisy in the Christian Community in Nigeria. They worry about specks in other people’s eye but live the huge logs in their own. Most are idolaters worshipping money and outright idols while pretending to be Christians.
ReplyDeleteCome to the USA and live at minus 35 degree, yes, colder than the freezer several times, no one will tell you to wear 3 trousers! The hood does not make the monk. Brood of vipers as Jesus calls them. Half the embezzlement in Nigeria and the corruption is by those who say they are Christians. They even tithe the stolen loot! Girl, get out and contact a catholic charity in the states, google them, you may get a citizenship here due to their unholy behavior. Don’t abuse me. I’ve been an SU since I was 16 but Nigerian brand of Christianity where you have 4 luxury cars bought with money for starving masses and the church collects tithe on it is mind boggling. In those Bible days those who were called prophets like Elijah, Elisha, Isaiah etc spoke truth to power. These ones are looking for contracts and more worldly possessions at the expense of taxpayers and tithe payers promoting imbecility among their congregations with verses meant for all children of God. They now believe “ touch not my anointed”, judge not”, etc is for them only, forgetting is for all of us and God said “ judgement will start in the church”. They should repent because most are headed to hell and Jesus will say “ depart from me, I never knew you”. Don’t abuse me, just read and move on if you don’t get it. If you are one of the gullible few. Keep praying and fasting for breakthrough when your pastor has amassed enough to set up all the college grads in the church in thriving businesses with money made from their poor parents,
They don’t dare do this in the white man’s land. Read about the Nigerian couple a few weeks ago in Minnesota or somewhere that made their child embark on a fast till he died. The dad was pictured in a mugshot from jail. Hypocrites! We all have some extended family members like that. Ushers who still visit babas to do wickedness on their family members because he or she isn’t sending enough dollars like before. God is not mocked. Whatsoever we sow we reap. It’s the truth. Google charities that deal with violence on children by parents for her and help her out of her prison before you leave if you truly care for her. She will find a charity to help her.
ReplyDelete