Hmmmmmmm.....
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
HANGING ON WITH SOMEONE WHO IS NOT READY
Will just go straight to the issue as my head is just not thinking straight. I have a boy friend i have been dating for the past 7years. We both stay in Europe together and i met him when i came to study. The relationship has not been the best of relationships but then every relationship have got its own problems and ours is no exception.
So back to the case here, i asked my boy friend after 7yrs when we will be heading to yeah altar and he said he is not ready yet. He said this last 4yrs, said it last 2years as well and this year now he is saying same but he wants us to move in together . We used to stay together but i moved out 5yrs ago.
We want to also buy a house together which he very much supports so we can move in together but not to get married and i am bringing the bulk of the deposit for the house which scares me as well. We are both from the south south part of Nigeria but stay here in Europe. I am 33 years and he is 34 years.
Wondering if i should just move on with my life or keep waiting for him but the truth is there is no time on my side anymore. I want to get married and have kids. But then when i came here, i never had papers to stay back and he filled for me as a partner and that's how i got my citizenship, so he has helped me out in a way but i am wondering why he just doesn't want to make it official.
Please BVs advise a sister. And there is no one i am talking to at the moment except him. I am confused and he keeps telling me that he wont lie to me but he wants me around. Attached is my picture for your eyes only Stella because i know i am not ugly that he cant marry me. I rarely go out so i don't even meet people and i don't have friends to go out with. Thanks for listening all. Will be reading comments and taking all the advise. Thanks
*DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM....Do not!!!
I saw the photos you attached and its a pity i cant show everyone here how good you look...WOW
Seems you also have cash.....Please do not invest in any house with him..I am sure you know the implication here in Europe,when you part ways the house has to be sold again or you settle him the bulk of the money if he agrees to move out.....
Looks like he doesnt want to Marry you....Please move on,its as simple as that!!!
MOVE ON!!!!!
When is snm so this poster and myself can find love again? I'm tired of being single. I just wanna get married as soon as possible.
ReplyDeleteI really do understand your fears poster; but before you take any hasty decisions ask yourself some questions and answer truthfully to yourself.
DeleteOne; why are you with him? Does he tick your goods for a man you wish to be with? If yes; find another way aside breakup to deal with this issue. You know why I asked? Marriage honestly is just signing a dotted line. The koko is being able to live and stay happy with your life partner.
Are there people he respects? Can you find an indirect way to get them to make him see things the right way? Some men are very scared of marriage
Secondly is he financially stable? Maybe another fear of his
Thirdly; you may not want to hear this but there may be a probability he left the love of his life in Nigeria before leaving for Europe and they still talk on social media. Something maybe stealing his attention that places you on his comparism table and giving him double mind.
Just don't be in a haste to pick up stuffs here and maybe loose your destined man. Take it easy. But if all odds are against this; gently start seeing other people and move on
All the best
I av just one thing to say ...sit him down n ask him eye balls to eye balls if it were his sister in this situation,how would he react.. A man tying down a lady for 7 years without any form of commitment is a no no.if he doesn’t want to get marry he should date someone that has d same mindset with him,both of u clearly have different ideologies so please let him give u a final say: in or out (no sitting on the fence ) N:B I met my boo late last year n we are already making plans for our wedding ...
DeleteHE IS A GOLD DIGGER. SEEMS YOU HAVE BEEN DASHING HIM MONEY SO HE DEY USE YOU SURVIVE. ARE U A BABY BIKO? USE YOUR BRAIN AND MOVE ON. THEN HE WILL PROPOSE BUT I WONT ACCEPT IF I WERE YOU CAUSE HE STILL WANTS YOU TO PAY FOR HOUSE SO HE WNT PAY RENT. MOST GUYS LIKE THAT GET BABE FOR NAIJA OR FIANCEE SEF
DeleteEven if he proposes now, don't pay bulk of the money for any house with him. Just move on.
ReplyDeleteFirst i can't.believe uve spent 7 yrs in a relationship without knowing where it's going. Wasted years kaii. My dear it's obvious marriage is not in His calendar. Might not be about u shaa, maybe he just doesn't want to be tied down that way by u or anyone else. Pls move on...I'm a lady so I understand our time ain't the same as guys ...that's the basic truth so sometimes we need to use our head. U already made the mistake for long...MOVE ON !!!
DeletePlus, don't invest in any house with himooo. We know how that story always ends...be wise
DeletePlease break up with him already, tell him marriage is very important to you and you have given him enough time to make up his mind. Don't carry out any joint investment with him or you will regret it later.
DeletePoster,he's not ready to wife you because he's single but enjoying all the privileges of a married man so tell me of what use marrying you to him. Poster,listen and listen good that guy you described up there is not ready to wife you. He doesn't love you he's just enjoying free ponyo and financial support you're giving him. Cut him off from your life. And pls,don't even think about buying any properties together or moving in with him. Give him ultimatum to make up his mind ,either he marries you or he should forget about you. And if he chooses the later babe let him go. He's not yours,believe when yours comes he will be the one begging you to marry him not the other way round.
DeleteNB ladies tie your legs until you're married if not this type of chronicles will keep coming up.
Poster the earlier you disentangle yourself from this situationship the better. You can't force a man to wife you and if you do, you will live to regret it. Besides men don't buy cows whose milk they get for free. Deep down you know the truth. Do the right thing. Save yourself. You think marriage is easy? Ask those who entered just to bear Mrs and bear children.
DeleteEven if you get married, don’t pay the bulk sum for a house.
DeleteI don't understand. he helped you fill out to get your citizenship. Which mean you guys got married in order to get your passport. So did you guys divorce when your papers came out or what?
Delete@anonymous 18:17 You can live together as partners to file for your papers, you don't have to get married.
DeletePoster, your attention is needed here
DeleteIt is obvious he does not want you for marriage. Please don't move in with him and don't buy a house together with him. At this point please tell him you want out and want to move on. 7yrs! Na so I do for 7yrs of e go better o, today i am still single. Fucking time wasters.
ReplyDeleteWisdom is profitable to direct. Stella has said it all. Move on!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's not gonna be easy but it's doable.
Baby girl, he helped you. God bless our helpers 👐 But he has been smashing kponyor steady, So you performed wifely duties too. Na lie?? You even moved in with him at some point. C'mon! That 'marriage' was consumated and now its time to move on, my darling.
ReplyDeleteDont buy a house with him. What are you thinking??!! Do not bother moving in 🙄🙄 what you need to do is move on!!! Drop the sentiments you are 33 ooh. If a guy cant marry you right now, he should at least be able to paint a VERY CLEAR picture. Mans not ready, boo.
Poster are you feeling guilty that he helped you in getting your paper, dont feel that way, if he will marry he will do the right thing - Stop waiting for him, go out and make new friends, and till then live your life.
ReplyDeleteDo not move in or buy a house with him.
....dont people with "not-so-pretty" faces marry? if hes been with you for this long & making long term plans, why'd u think your looks might be standing in the way of the proposal?... Btw, stella has never said opposite to any pic sent to her.
ReplyDeleteHe might have commitment phobia, such peoples heart skip a beat at the mention of the M word, & its not that he doesnt love you... he needs to see which fear is worse, the fear of losing you completely or the fear of the dotted line... I'd say you take off his safety net, youre his safety net! Let go...
Tell him how you feel..Let Him know your stand and don't part with your hard earn money without knowing where the situation ship is taking both of you.
ReplyDeleteGood luck dear.
The guy is not going to marry you, trust me, I'm going through it right now and I gave him a hint that I need to move on.
ReplyDeleteYou need to move on. That guy will keep you hanging until no one wants you again then he will leave you. I wish I can tell my story here for girls/women to learn when to move on.
Exactly
DeleteHave the same story. Women need to learn. Fear of the unknown will make you keep giving excuses for him. He can help you with getting your citizenship but won't marry you...you don't know men! And to him he has just compensated you. Me I didn't see citizenship, I had to move back. Wish I could say more...
DeleteGbam
DeleteIt's important you come out of that relationship TODAY poster.
ReplyDeleteAfter all its INDEPENDENCE DAY, break FREE from that STRONG HOLD you call a relationship.
Your being with him may even be an hindrance to meet someone who is ready to be married.
#comeouttodaysoyouandNigeriacanstartcelebratingfreedomfromnextyear
Nigeria is celebrating freedom from next year? freedom from what? Is that what APC cons announced?
DeleteHow really do ladies think?
ReplyDeleteYou "want to get married and have kids" and the first thing you did was to "move in with him";
Give him sex whenever he wants it?
As long as the "guy man" is getting sex, he is never going to get married to you. And if you ever
aborted "for him", that is the end of him ever marrying you.
It is a pity. He needs you now for cheaper accommodation options.
Stay away from him and if he does not do the chasing, good riddance.
Hmmm
ReplyDeleteSo dicey
Best bet?
Move on
Dont put down any bulk money for any house, do not move in with him, he has been breaking ur bed n waist for 7 years, haba, it have do abeg..
ReplyDeleteFirst off, if you're in a relationship with someone and you think there is any kind of realistic chance that they might try to take your stuff ,then it doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship. If you think that's an eventual possibility, then you either have some very serious trust issues, or you are in a dysfunctional relationship.
ReplyDeleteMarriage isn't the reason For a perfect relationship , it's the relationship itself that deteriorates. If you are happy with your partner a piece of paper and legal status won't change how you feel about each other, cos you might leave him and be miserable with another person....
marriage doesn't always have to be the "next step" to a relationship!!! .
What are you saying King Eze?????
Deletemarriage certificate isn't essential to a perfect relationship .most times it's just convenient for some boring legal and financial reasons.@oxygen
DeleteOxygen your response just made me lol. I love this blog.
DeleteHis brain is sleeping... Poster don't listen to him
DeleteEhnnn so if the relationship is perfect, what is now stopping you from tying the knot? Or does its being perfect lie in not being married? Na wa ooo. Poster obviously you wanna get married. If that is not your partner's goal, as he may be a commitment phobic or simply not see you as his wife material, move on till you find someone like minded. Don't stress babe. Keep it moving.
DeleteOma I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse? ..... because I had a different opinion.I don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed ,so run along.
DeleteIf the certificate is not important then what is the big deal in getting one to be on the safe side? Men who say it does not matter one should run away from. They are lying and they know it!
DeleteDumb Eze... After listing everything you think I am... You still sent a rejoiner?.. Your brain is truly sleeping... Dumb ass guy.
DeletePoster listen to him at your peril.. He's obviously on this wicked table that's shaking
Even if I don't know how it works there, sister do not move in with him, Don't buy any house with him. Ahha 7years is too much na. He is not ready & might not even want to want a kid with you. Keep saving your money,start going out & socializing. You have to keep an open mind & the man for you will marry you finally
ReplyDeletePlease don't involve in any partnership of buying house with this current guy or with any man. Seven years is enough for him to make decisions if he really want you or not. Dont move in with him again.
ReplyDeleteYou are lucky he even told you the truth instead of tying you down with ring and no action.He has told you that he's not ready so find out when he'll be ready( that's if he will ever be ) and decide if you can wait or move on.
ReplyDeleteYou've already given yourself excuses why you should stick with him but ain't you with him out of sympathy and fear? Ask him how much your travel package cost him,pay back and move on.
On the other hand,i've also seen people that are scared of going to the altar.My uncle said it early in life that he doesn't want to get married but will have a live-in-lover and he met someone of like minds and they have a son today.Uncle Timaya nko?
My dear,you are not tied to him like aju mbaise wrap please stay woke! You have nothing to lose here other than the emotional connection you've built over the years.
Very lucky he didn't use her to play Kalo kalo by making her Lord of the rings till one fine lonely day after many more years when the scales fall and her eyes clear up.
DeleteFirst of all ask him why he isnt ready and hear what he will say, at 34 he should be thinking of settling down, if his reasons arent cogent enough then MOVE ON. please dont waste your time on a time waster, 7 years isnt 7 days and trust me 7 years is enough for a man to make up his mind on what he wants. infact if that guy is a serious person only his actions will show you that he wants to marry you and you will also know what is preventing him. No matter what DO NOT move in with him without him marrying you and DO NOT buy the house together, if you don't have enough money to buy the house alone then continue saving until the money is complete.
ReplyDeleteMy candid opinion, do not have any joint investment with Any man u r not married to,especially this your boyfriend,since he has been sincere with u about not getting marries yet, then sit him down and discuss the future with him, let him know time isnt on your side that you love him but you love your self more, so its either he is ready to get married or isnt ,and if the outcome of your discuss is for you to give him some time ,then he isnt ready ,he is only trying to buy himself sometime,he may have someone back here in nigeria, may be he is married here sef or plans to get married in nigeria to someone else,men can lie alot,if he really wanted to marry u,he would have done that since,7 years isnt a joke,and you have played wifey enough ,u may really love him and will be devastated when u break up with him,since u said u dnt have friends you talk to or hang out, but decide today mydear and you wont regret u did,start making friends and start hanging out more, with that u will have less time to think of him and meet new people
ReplyDeleteIt's to nack pigeon on his head...Contact Linda, it's her speciality lol
ReplyDeletePoster biko leave that relationship now!!! He has helped you, God bless him, you have given enough toto too, he isn't ready and he wouldn't marry you as well. Let go of the relationship...It will hurt but it's for the best.
To vote @stelladimokokorkus as BLOGGER OF THE YEAR text sma18 stella to 33352
My marriage didn’t even last up to seven yrs
ReplyDeleteMy cousin was in the same boat as you. She sold her house and put down the money to buy a house with her boyfriend only to discover everything was in his name and in his will he left it to his 3 daughters. She nearly went mad. I am glad you at least spoke out. My cousin did not even seek counsel before stupidly doing what she did. Madam, do not under any circumstances part with your money EVEN if he marries you. That man is not to be trusted helper or no helper.
ReplyDeletePoster with is wrong wild you,you have got beauty, money and you are in the "abroad"and here you are sounding desperate and thirsty,c'Mon give me a break!!!you gotta know your worth baby,FUCK age,you have got more advantage than the average Nigerian lady,worse is if any family member try to pressurise you,you shot them off,your advantage is your are away from this shithole,I bet you would have been a mess if you still in naija,dump that nigga and look ahead no turning back,you can even get a Caucasian guy that will sweep you off ya feet,God help you
ReplyDeletePoster, i have the feelings he has commitment back home. Pls dont invest in anythibg with him. He is playing you. Most of the guys abroad like playing women especially if they sense you are desparate.
ReplyDeleteI know his type. I have been there. Please, and i say please, dont do anything you will regret. That guy is up to something. 7 good years and still not ready,,,Wtf. He has no plan for you. Cut off that relationship for a more serious man to have you.
You are are not hungry i believe, so what are you doing wasting your biological years with a man? Move on my dear. He will not wife you.
A man doesn't need to spend severa years with a woman to know if he's gonna wife her. #am speaking from a guys perspective.
ReplyDeleteIf he has spent 7 years with you and he is still dodging puttin a ring on it,... then my dear the bitter truth is that the dude has no plans of marrying you.
He enjoys banging you, enjoys the companionship, enjoys your financial contribution. But the day his wife shows up(the woman that has that thing he is still looking for) he will leave you.
Put an Ultimatum on your relationship.... tell him time is not on your side, if he is serious let him tie you down officially.
Gurl, if you keep playing along......you are just delaying the volcano for some years....but trust me it will still come. The choice is yours. Choose wisely.
On 2 the Next!
lol madam you the guy is married with kids back home. Take this to the bank and cash out
ReplyDeleteSad thing about this situation is he has told he is not ready.
ReplyDeleteSo no matter what happens years from now, you won't be able to fault him, because he has given the option of staying as a girlfriend or leaving if you want.
If you are not comfortable with this arrangement you know what to do, I do not see anything wrong that the fit has done here because at every point in time he didn't deceive you, instead you started on hoping he will become ready.
If a man loves you, he won't have to be reminded to marry you. I hope you keep that in mind going forward when you are trying to make relationship decisions.
Bv Reasonable Doubt
Good one
ReplyDeleteSis draw your ears.
ReplyDeleteI will say again what everyone here has already said. DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WIH HIM. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM. Give him an option to either set date to marry you within the next 6 months or 1st Jan 2019 you are both single baje baje. The 3 month from now to dec is just to give him time to reset his brain.
If he doesnt do it then 1st Jan sis you are major single ok.
This was me years ago. Please poster, don't move in and move on with your life. At 33 please don't gamble with your time. He may just marry a girl in Nigeria after few months of dating like mine did. He seems to be okay financially. Ask him one last time and if he gives the same answer, my dear, move on. It's tough especially abroad. Don't be afraid to be alone till you find someone who deserves you. Comment with a contact if you want. Please don't end up heartbroken after these years. PS. Don't buy any house with him if you are not married to him.
ReplyDeleteDo not buy a house with him please that's my own too.
ReplyDeletePoster please for the love of God don't waste one more second with that guy. He is obviously not ready I mean you should have realised this a long time ago. How did you even wait this long and still asking questions? It doesn't even matter if you are good looking or not the point is no matter how beautiful you are if he doesn't want to wife you he will never. So please slowly cut him off and move on. Go out and make new friends it will help you alot. I was in your shoes last year but I had to borrow sense and run for my dear life with God's intervention tho because it not actually easy to just leave like that after 7 whole years but now I am so happy I left him. Please find courage and leave. You will be just fine without him. You will be shocked how God will bring a good man your way. I pray God gives you a man that will value you soonest 🙏🙏🙏🙏
ReplyDeletePoster,take Stella's advice.
ReplyDeleteGirl, BUY YOUR HOUSE ALONE. Don't invest with no one. There is no law that says, an African woman can't by properties by herself. The day I saw my husband put his brothers name on the properties we bought as his next of kin, I stopped trusting humans. Thank God I'm hard working. I stopped contributing in the house, cos I earn more, and bought my own properties in my name, and in my kid's name. I am just waiting for the right time to leave. Dude is suffering without my help, but it just me,me, me and my kids at the moment. Can't kill myself for another human being who doesn't put his wife and kids first.
ReplyDeleteObviously you have different set of values, you value marriage and the stability it brings and for him it is not important. You cannot make a joyful union with anyone when you both have different value systems. Based on your first paragraph I can tell the relationship is not a joyful one, you probably have an understanding and its the comfort of familiarity that is carrying it along. I don't sense any true passion here, even with a ring you would still get bored and tired after a while. You feel that you owe him for what he did for you, but you have loved him and remained loyal to him, you have already paid him back. You cannot punish yourself to a passionateless relationship for the rest of your life because of that good deed. Your inner gratitude is enough, but you still need marriage and a family so if he cannot provide that you will have to go where it can be found. Maybe he is just not that into you and just holding on until what he truly wants come along. Move on!
ReplyDeleteDon’t buy any house with him. Just move on with your life.
ReplyDeleteWhen someone told me she ran into Kris okoties ex wife with her 3 children in the U.S, I began to think how a girl must be smart to know when to cut her losses and move on. Here is someone who had stayed with a man for over 7 years ( they were not officially married). But she took a decision one day, left him and relocated. Today she has a family. And shes very happy. Imagine if she had stayed with Kris okotie, she would probably have been a childless, frustrated and unhappy supposed pastors wife today. You need to cut loose poster. You need to love yourself. That guy has no plans for you. Hes just enjoying freebies youve been giving him for 7 long years. Meanwhile the clock is ticking for you...
ReplyDeleteHmmm my dear the greatest shocker I got is trying for a second baby and my FSH levels were high and the doctor told me she is shocked because I am only thirty and what she is seeing is someone that is almost hitting menopause.My eggs are severely depleted and even if I want to do IvF it can be an issue.I will advise any woman that is approaching 30 to preserve their eggs because I am so down with this report.I pray I take in.Please anyone with such and how was it solved
ReplyDeletethis is the reason why some churches discourage boyfriend and girlfriend. when you are ready to marry, look for a partner that you like, pray about it then highest 6 months propose and start marriage plans. my dear poster, the guy does not want you. do not pressure him or give him ultimatum. just call the SITUATIONSHIP off since you dont think along the same line
ReplyDelete