STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
A DIFFERENT KIND OF WOMAN
Good day Stella, I pray this meets you well. I don't pride myself as being a good writer, so, kindly indulge me and overlook the obvious .
Also, I plead my ID be kept hidden.
It's exactly 11:22P.M here in Nigeria and I'm being kept awake by an array of turbulent emotions.I'm a young lady in my late twenties who happens to be a JJC on the matters of the heart.My lack of the relevant experiences, amongst other factors, I'd say played a major role in my pitiable first attempt at marriage.
I was traditionally married to my ex hubby whom I never dated and the marriage packed up on grounds of sexual incompatibilities. This s#xual incompatibility was mostly on my own part as I couldn't stand s#x. Needless to add that I wasn't s#xually active prior to this marriage, although I had been in just one relationship which lasted for a few months.
It took me a good number of years to heal and in the course of these years, I wasn't in any relationship and as such, celibate.
Over the years, I've been in a dilemma as regards the best time to disclose the above 'situation' to an intending boo. Now,I currently have a love interest I'm into {after soooooo long} and who's coming on strong and I'd really appreciate BVs take on when to tell him all these.
The dude in question happens to be born out of wedlock and this actually prompted this mail. I'm totally in a fix as to how to react to this information as my tribe is very particular/ sensitive to blood ties and stuffs like this.
I honestly don't know what this could mean for us and how it'd affect me in the future. I'm particularly bothered about the implications on my immediate family,my unborn children and the marriage if it does get to that stage.
Will my kids be discriminated against? Does it portend any danger to his own place in his step father's family?. I am so so concerned and bereft of knowledge of the likely implications.
BVs please share your experiences and opinions to enable me make informed decisions. I was so so stressed in my first marriage and I'm totally averse to any further pain in this regard especially if it can be avoided.
Thanks in anticipation.
I'll be in the comment section.
Anon 'sic' and other grammarians are enjoined to glide over the numerous errors please.
*My dear,this isnt gonna be easy at all at all!!!
I'll read comment....
ReplyDeleteI don't understand
Deleteso all these girls saying "single mums rock", baby mamas, is this what will happen when your children want to marry?
DeleteIt seems poster you are not still emotionally mature for a relationship, doubt sex was the only issue in your first marriage.
DeleteYou mentioned him having a step father, that means his mother eventually got married and he was raised in a family unit. So what is your issue here exactly, except you have noticed other traits in him you are not happy about.
If he's a hard working focused man with good morals and a good heart what's your issue exactly.
What's she's saying. How's this a chronicle?
DeleteIts like when ppl don't have prob they start cooking up stuff for themselves.
Please if your from Igbo don't marry that guyoooo. Igbos don't accept 'born out of wedlock childooo' especially when he is a boy. He will not get any portion of Land. @Princess Tever
DeletePls there's nothing wrong in getting married to him , So long as he's responsible.
DeleteAnd princess tever u were also informed he can't buy his own land ba? Illegitimacy is now a crime? Sort urself well and decide if the. Illegitimacy is a deal breaker on time and don't lead thee guy on
DeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
DeletePrincess Tever u don’t want to know how hard I laughed now🤣🤣🤣 na land be the problem here? Abeg una no go kill me
DeleteLol... portion of land!!! Na was oh. Portion of land sha, in one antiquated part of the world is people’s problem? 🤣🤣🤣🤣
DeleteI don't see any problem here, but it probably just me.
ReplyDeleteSame here.
DeleteNot just you anonymous. People tend to worry them selves over things that are inconsequential.
DeletePoster just open up to your boo,tell him all he needs to know. If he's yours,he will say.
As for your family, who is going to tell them your man's family wahala? And even if they hear it,wetin concern agbero and over load??
Besides, people worry about people born out of wedlock only if they are not successful. I prefer a billionaire bastard coming to marry my daughter than a useless pastor's child.
Stay
DeleteAnonymous sic biko jump my gbaguns ooo
😁😁😁😁😁😁😁 Fan.
DeleteTell your family first and know there reaction before you take any step but since the guy is good and he also overlooks your flaws, I don't think its a big issue except your tribe forbids it
DeleteWhat if on his own side too, he is thinking about how his people will accept a divorcee? God help you. Anyway to each his own
@Fan,i know right?
DeleteLove me some billionaire bastaaard!
@Ceiling fan
DeleteYou wan make I jump; how high you go set am?
Abi them lace you with magun and you dey look
for persin wey go dey jump like say akwukwu hol am?
I no dey ooo!
Poster na wah o. Just know that the same way u t looking at him as illegitimate is how they are looking at u as fairly used aka pre married!!!!
DeleteGod bless you,Anon! At least, the guy own sef better, he had no control over the circumstances of his birth.
DeleteNot to say you’re at fault for being s divorcee oh, but just to point out to you that if everyone’s being judgy, he’s better off than you sef.
People are sha silly. You are a divorcee with sexual dysfunction but you think you have the right to look down on a man who was born out of wedlock not his own doing
DeleteSee gobe
ReplyDeleteSee divorcée trying to judge a man born out of wedlock, its a “no brainer”. Being born out wedlock doesn’t make him less of a man. We shouldn’t even have a chronicle here.
DeleteHian!! Of all things to be worried about it's a man born out of wedlock that is madam poster's problem.Have you finish checking for the important things first??If he comes from a judgemental uptight family like yours,don't you think your being divorced is an issue? Because they would be seeing you as a "second-hand and used ".Some families sha.
DeleteI'll be in the comment section with you cos I don't understand this your chronicler
ReplyDeleteLol
DeleteI dont understand it too...😞
Likewise
DeleteOP is a English teacher... Too much grammer is making her loose relationship focus. First of all, She is scared of sex and secondly, she's not sure if her intending boo background check will be acceptable by her people.
DeleteLet me say this, @OP first of all deal with your sexual life. Is it that you hate sex, or sex is painful, or you are scared of sex or what? have you ever looked at your self fully naked in a mirror? You need sexual orientation as you are not emotionally matured for Man and Woman matter.
#chronicle
ReplyDeleteYou dont have a problem since u can still speak english.... Nexttttt
ReplyDeletehahaha the English is too much. this poster self.reading comments TOH
DeleteSee a sex therapist first before telling him. Take care of yourself self before joining with somebody.
ReplyDeleteHow many school in Nigeria offer a degree in sex therapy?
DeleteAll these people that claim to be "sex therapists" are all
fake
Your first marriage did not pack up because of "sexual incompatibilities", it did because you never loved each other or knew each other to start with.
ReplyDeleteI married as a virgin at 28 after 4 years of dating but I made my choice and resisted every man imposed on me. We began to learn to explore our bodies together as my husband was also a virgin. We've had a pretty good marital life with kids and everything we know about sex, we learnt and taught each other.
Do not make the mistake of hiding facts and jumping to marry out of sentiments. If you love this man and you think he loves you enough, open up and let him know that within the confines of marriage, you will like to learn to explore your bodies together.
No one teaches a new born baby how to suck breast milk or what breast is, you simply present it and leave the rest to the baby.
very reasonable words. Men and women, keep yourselves pure, when you marry, you can explore your bodies together. Poster, if he's a responsible and kind man then I don't see any reason not to get married to him.
DeleteOpen your mind a bit. She said it packedd up because she didn't like sex. That's eexual incompatibility. You didn't know how to do but you learned and enjoy it. She didn't enjoy it
Delete@20:22...if she didn't enjoy it, then she didn't learn well simple!
Delete@Anony mouse 20:22
Deleteeexual?
wetin you type there?
Anyway . . .you can't be SEXUAL with someone you don't love and expect to enjoy or like it.
Poster the questions you asked are better answered by talking to your family to know if they would accept a man like him considering he was born out of wedlock.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest you find an elderly person in your family whom you trust to ask if there are any implications according to your traditions for marrying such a man.
Also if you are scared that he might have spiritual battles from his step family then I suggest you bring up your fears to him....Ask him all to you think you need to know about his family and his relationship with them.
The answers you seek are at your fingertips,talk to your man about everything you feel you need to get off your chest before you take that step of entering into another union.
Make sure you are both on the same page and as for your past marriage when you narrate it make sure he doesn't get a feeling that THE MARRIAGE PACKED UP BECAUSE OF YOU...apply wisdom while disclosing this sensitive part of you as it may make or mar you new relationship.
Poster apply wisdom by getting clarification from your family and your boo before you marry him
LEP😛
But the marriage packed up because of her now
DeleteYes poster don't let him know your first marriage packed up because of you. He will use it to cuss you anytime you have misunderstanding.
DeleteSo what exactly is your problem, a man wants to be with you and overlook your past and sexual inadequacies, but you on the other hand feel he isn't good enough? 💁🏽 If you ask me Na who I go ask 🤔
ReplyDeleteGod bless you Chyluv i was just about to type the same i don't want to sound derogatory. But poster you also have a floor too. So if he chooses to accept you as you are and then you are still looking at his inadequacies really! Because he grew up with a single parent when you should be concentrating on other important qualities he should have. You are yet to tell him about your past that is what you should be thinking and praying about. A person can be raised by a single parent what matters here is the what kind of person he has turned out to be. Goodluck.
DeleteFloor???????
DeleteFlaw not floor plz.
DeleteFloor ke? Concrete nko?
DeleteThanks people i did not even realized i had written floors instead of flaws. Thanks for the attention to detail and corrections. Noted!
DeleteWhat is the problem?
ReplyDeleteIs it sex or the fact he's born out of wedlock?
Either way, you'll be fine.
For the sex, you'll get use to it with time and patience..
I never knew to be born out of wedlock is an issue tho..If he's a good and responsible man then you've got no problem
my dear, you will be fine. its not an issue..work hard, let him work hard God will bless your hustle. as for how they see ur kids..that one wont even come up.
ReplyDeleteWhere I come from, any child born out of wedlock( bride price not paid) belongs to the girls family and has the same rights as the mothers siblings. Even if the mother eventually get married to the man after childbirth, he can’t claim the child. The traditions of your mans people will determine how your children will be treated.I think you should talk to your man and also ask people from his community how they treat children born out of wedlock. Good luck.
ReplyDeletemy own issues with this poster is that I was trying to understand her point but I couldn't. well let read comments to know if I can understand better before I will advise
ReplyDeleteHe is just a " love interest". He isn't a "I'm in love". So why are you putting yourself under pressure? You are not in love with him. Hes the one coming strong. You clearly arent ready for a committment so why dont you just free yourself of all these complications. Date him. Date others. Have fun. Keep your legs closed. Chase yoir career. Be happy. If you put yourself under pressure because you are in your late twenties, you will end up in yet another nightmare marriage. Just be happy...
ReplyDeletePoster there is nothing wrong. You are good to go.
ReplyDeleteIt was not your fault my dear. Apparently your ex doesn't know much about marriage and sex. Ask someone in your family about presenting such a guy and hear from it. If no problem, my dear do not tell him that your marriage packed up as a result of sex from your side. Both of you were immature in that course called marriage that's why you failed it but willing to repeat and pass it.
ReplyDeleteGod will help you.
Please, those who grasped the grammar should explain........ But as someone rightly said, she does not have any problems, since she can still write big big grammar
ReplyDeleteLmao... don't mind the Chronicler. Too much grammer is making her loose interest in sex and as a result of that now affecting her background check on the boo
DeleteWait o! So instead of you to write a story in such a way that you can connect to BV, you are using novel writing skill and style to tell your story. My dear you will most probably get novel mindset advise here as most people will pretend to understand you and give you vague advise.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand is he an OSU or just born out of wedlock. Because there is no problem with the latter
I tire for some people, this one no gbaguan, una come eyes complain of big grammar.
ReplyDeleteBabe, all these questions should be directed to the guy. Know how his community reacts to male children born out of wedlock. Only then can you ascertain the implications on you and the marriage
My husband's parents were never married and my family didn't give a sh*t. We live in love and don't care what anybody thinks... Not like it was ever an issue.
ReplyDeleteSo you are saying you don't like sex, you lack the drive. Not only that, your boo was born out of wedlock.
ReplyDeleteSince when did being born out of wedlock become an issue when the person wants to marry? Anyway you know what is obtainable in your family, if you think he won't be accepted then leave him alone, as for me that is not an issue.
Then to the issue of not liking sex/lacking sex drive, that could be fixed if your lover is understanding & willing to give his best to make you want it. Maybe you can try doing the 'do' with this boo to see how it will turn out, maybe it's your lack of experience or the fact you have been celibate that makes you not to like sex, I don't know. Well try to see a sex therapist. It is well
I honestly do not understand your double standards. You are coming from a failed marriage and he probably has no issues with it but you on the other hand is concerned about something he had no control over. Has he proposed marriage? Why are you burdened with all that could go wrong if he’s just a love interest. Marriage is much more than sexual compatibility. Be sure you have healed from your previous relationship before you go ahead to start a new one. More importantly keep an open mind. Good luck
ReplyDeleteBest comment ever !
DeleteWell, you are a divorcee, have you found out what his tribe thinks of divorced women remarrying? You have your own baggage bringing into the relationship, his baggage has nothing to do with him, it's simply how he came into the world. I think you are the bigger problem in the relationship, you are the one who needs the work. Work on your issues and if this man is the man of your heart, treats you well and is of good character and he feels about you like you feel about him, then go for it.
ReplyDeletePoster, I thought your worry should be if you both are compatible. If he's God fearing, caring and possess other godly character but you left the most important aspect and be pursuing shadows. Who told you people born out of wedlock are no good ? If he can overlook your own luggage and still decide to marry you then being born out of wedlock shouldn't be an issue here. Your judging him based on your past experience which was totally yours.
ReplyDeleteAs in ehh! Poster knack us grammar ,grammar is all I see in this post, like nothing dey happen! I pray you find yourself concerning the sex thingy,you can try fixing things by exploring your own body on your own, have some private time, touch your body, get to find what makes you high, excited & then try experimenting with your boo, tell your boo what your problem is about sex before you start having sex or even marry him, let him know your challenge concerning sex. Even if you don't enjoy sex that much there will be a way out, u need to open up to your boo so he can get to understand your need. Good luck babygirl
ReplyDeleteI don't know where your friend or you comes from but in my villa , any male child born out of wedlock is accepted. He will inherit a land if the family is rich and also bear the mother's surname. Nobody , I repeat dare castigate him especially when he's doing well for himself.
ReplyDeleteYou're not in love with him so free him and save yourself the pain of being twice twice.
Come to me for sex classes😁😂😂
ReplyDeletePoster try and build yourself first before getting married again. You should not allow your second marriage to pack up like the first one.
ReplyDeleteYou and I are in a similar situation, mine was that he was the problem with satisfaction in bed,love, anyways I have move on.if I will get married again,I will not make same mistake.
Poster this is not a problem, as far he is honest and hard working and above all God-fearing.
ReplyDeleteYou are a divorcee with vaginismus and you are worried about marrying someone who's parents were never married?
ReplyDeleteAm I right?
You think your divorcee status is appealing to him too or what?
What have you done about your vaginismus? Have you even told him about it and how did you establish that you will be sexually compatible with him?
I think that you left details about your sexual issue deliberately. You need to see a therapist asap and not just for the vaginismus. You know exactly what i'm talking about.
Don't throw around big words without understanding. She doesn't have vaginismus. She can have sex. She just doesn't like it much. That's just a lot we sex drive
DeleteI asked a question at the beginning. Mumu anon 20:26. I have never seen or heard a newly married couple divorce because of sexual inadequacy of the wife. E fit happen but very rare. Poster left out plenty details. She knows why.
DeleteThe family that doesnt like to associate with children born out of wedlock, should remember that their daughter is also divorcee and some families dont like their male children marrying divorcees. As my mum would say to us when we are having an oversight: Before you start overpricing yourself, check your market value. You're making this all about you without even trying to know if his side of the family are comfortable with him taking things to the next level. And what type of family insists on children born within wedlock in this 21st century, that life has shown us so much? Y'all need Jesus mehn 👎
ReplyDeleteNne, if you havent understood the importance of sex to a man, then dont bother getting married. Or you would be on your way to a second divorce. If you aint emotionally ready, you aint. Chill, heal from the scars of your first marriage, get enough sex education, try and have a mind of your own, then you can say you are ready to speak about marriage. All this 'I'm in my late 20s and doing financially okay' or for men 'I am in my 30s and I have a job, so I want to settle down'. Are you even stable enough to build a good drama-free home? Dont let society pressure you oh, cos when the chips are down they aint gonna be there.
Word!! 👍
DeleteWhat is your main concern in forging a good relationship, if his birth status and family bothers you that much, talk to him about him, what are his views on marital relationships, You could start it with stories, and get his opinion on the matter, so he does not feel judged.
ReplyDeleteWith the rate of divorce from rich families, it would take maturity, openess and a wise soul to keep a marriage alive.
Work on yourself first before bringing any man into your life, cos your seem trivial for coming here.
Madam poster, your problem is that you are afraid of marriage. Marriage is a faith thing. You look at the man you want to marry,look at the characters you can cope with and the one's you can't cope. No marriage is perfect. Looking at yourself,you have a big baggage; being a divorcee and also your inability to do well in bed which is very important in marriage. If you cannot cope with his baggage, you can as well tell him good bye. As for me cannot marry someone like with your kind of baggage
ReplyDeleteMadam, I see you as a problem more than the man in question.
ReplyDeleteThis is not to castigate you but to open your eyes to the reality on ground, so as not to think of yourself than normal.
1. You are a divorcee; this is a big issue to many men especialliy the family of the man.
2. You have emotional inbalance challenge; if you dont work on it, it will affect any other marriage you go into.
3. You are hiding some facts; whether you like it or not, you look like a very secretive person and your inability to explain everything here in order to get suitable advice shows how secretive you can be. This is a major issue that may affect you in the future.
Finally, the man only needs to be a man of vision and a successful man in whatever he is doing, his background is no issue at all.
If he is a successful Chartered Accountant with NNPC or Shell and was born out wedlock, will that matter to your parents, compared to a poor man from a good family?
So, make sure you marry a focused guy with vision and essential values- integrity, responsible, kind, etc
I see you as a problem more than the guy.
My dear, after your first marriage you should have learnt your lesson. Choose the best man that will treat you right. Someone who will understand you and love you with all your flaws. Let go of this need to please your family first. Obama was raised by a single mum. if the guy is prefect for you then hold him tight because when the shoe starts hurting you will be the one who feels it, while your family will preach to you. Are all single mums promiscuous? NO. Some of them instill values in their kids. As for the aversion to sex, you need to see a psychotherapist or a sex therapist. Maybe your ex was really bad at it and it turned you off.
ReplyDeletePoster you are very foolish, you are one of those who judge single moms, mind you I am not one. You choose to judge a man born out of wedlock , did you find out what separated his parents, and I don't want to listen to the cock and bull story about your first marriage, before you judge this innocent man take a good look at your self if you will be happy if people call you single hand,fairy used and dump abandon woman. I pray he doesn't marry you, he deserves a lady whose family will accept him for who he is without judging everything surrounding is birth. Stella you better post my comment.
ReplyDeleteMust you marry self, go and sit down with your baggage and leave innocent man alone with your judgmental family
ReplyDeleteI had to reread the I can't stand sex part, so your chronicle should have been how to I solve my problem? Firstly you most likely have VAGINISMUS, which may also be psychological, firstly before you even delve into marriage you need to go and see both a gynae and sex therapist, and as well rule out any structural problems with your vagina, if that's fine proceed to enrol for sex counselling with your intending partner, you just have to tell him the truth n all. Rather than subjecting him to a sexless marriage that will still end up like your first. Before you commit to anyone be sure that you have done all this.
ReplyDeletetoo many ignorant, myopic and stupid people on this blog. her fears are based on how he will be perceived bu her people and aslo wants people to share their experiences i believe as igbo people....una just dey here dey throw insults anyhow.....local fowls
ReplyDelete