STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
EMOTIONAL TORTURE
Hello madam Stella, please I need advice urgently although I know what to do but I need other peoples opinion.
Hello madam Stella, please I need advice urgently although I know what to do but I need other peoples opinion.
I have been going through emotional abuse for some years now. There is nothing I do that this man won't complain about, it just seems as if I am not doing enough. Out of 365 days in a year, its only the 30days that we are happy, the remaining 335 is filled with quarrels, insult, complains,fault and threats.
I am so drained emotionally, I am not a lazy person, was working before marriage but he brainwashed me till i left the job and gradually collected all my savings, I ventured into small scale business, it was his insecurity and everyday insult that made the business collapsed, I left about 2 jobs just because he feels the pay was too small for me which I didn't even mind because my mind was at peace at work but he cunningly took my boss number and called to send me away from the job and the second job, he said it was too far and the traffic everyday in Lagos won't allow me have time for the family.
He made me believe I wasn't good enough for anything, we have a child and I did family planning because I realised the issues were aggravating and I don't have the capacity of taking care of plenty children if we later go our separate ways and he later found out and accused me of cheating which wasn't true. I invested alot in it but I just don't know what else to do.
We don't go out together and he has never for once introduced me to people, I cant dress the way I like, I must change it to what he wants me to wear and its not as if he buys cloth for me. I don't owe him anything personal, we don't talk in the house, he doesn't answer my greetings and even when he talks, it's with so much authority. He is a very manipulative man that other people dont believe what I say except what he says because he just finds a way to manipulate everyone to believe him.
I don't have a life of my own and I have lived my life, time and savings with this man. I am not working presently, he won't just allow me leave the house.
Recently I found out he is planning marriage with one of his girlfriends and she uses my child pics as dp, he told the lady that I am the nanny he got for the child that the mum ran away and she will be my child's mum and that they will tell the nanny to leave when they are about getting married.
He said my child and the lady is the most important people in his life right now. I have been gentle all this while, I have never insulted him or disrespected him but now I need to act.
Pls madam stella I need only one thing, a JOB that can keep me busy and independent so as to get an accommodation of my own so that I can move out with my child. I know with time things will fall in place. He doesn't know any of my plan because he has threatened me with court ,that they will grant him custody.
NB: I am down already and my self esteem is dropping and I am trying to build it back, I can't allow him take my child away from me. I want to work and achieve something for my life and not just a slave in a man's house.
*He told his girlfriend that you are the Nanny?LMAOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Choi,some men are so hilarious....I dont have a job for you right now but i think the first thing you need to do is stop sucking up to him and stand up for yourself emotionally.if he wants to marry someone else and has made up his mind,let him go...
As for taking your child away from you i dont know about that but please get off your feet and walk around and ask for Jobs and dont sit down and let him do this...If you reet and he doesnt reply,STOP GREETING HIM ABEG!!!
God will rescue you from that prison. It is well.
ReplyDeleteDon't suck it up to him. Use cunny and get yourself and your child out of that man's life. He is dangerous and can harm you if you challenge him.
DeleteMadam, firstly i will like to know how old your daughter is. If he is threatening you with court and the child is below 6years then ask him to go to court so that the courts will grant you the custody of your child. You cant separate a child below 6years from the mother even if you dont have a job. The courts will ask him to pay upkeep and others for the child. Sorry but your husband is a SCUMBAG like my Ex. My kids are with me today because of God and the courage he gave me.
DeletePls who has seen laura ikejis latest picture d one with d black skirt n tube crop top with buttons o my u can use DAT breast to kill mosquitoes instead of ur slippers as a fashionista I no know y she no wear strapless bra or shimmy
DeleteMeanwhile poster I repeat stand up for urself confront DAT man n act d kind of drama he has never seen b4 in his life 4 h if he shows any disrespect to u. If he hits u destroy everything in d house by using dem to hit him like d tv, speakers etc n run outside shouting so DAT d whole neighborhood will hear especially if its in a porsh neighborhood shout n disturb d peace of d whole place to embarrass him n so DAT dey can be witnesses of his abuse make sure u shout o If not u will continue to be a nanny of he tell u to leave pack n leave even of u have no where to go wen u step out of d gate with ur baby inspiration on where to go will come. leave with ur baby n tell him d court will determine who d child will be with. Make sure u give DAT waste of sperm an awakening even if u have no money to leave drag him to give u transport after packing if he refuses shout n bring out d whole neighborhood one of d neighbours will give u money out of pity. My dear sister stop sleeping wake up n tea h DAT waste of sperm n space a lesson. My hubby knows better than to try me now. No man likes a softy
Delete@Ani Innocent, someone is here to seek for advice and here u are talking shit..Smh#uchu
DeleteHow can somebody treat you that way? Look for a job and don't tell him the pay again
ReplyDeleteaunty don’t you love yourself enough, even if this man doesn’t love you, please your happiness is paramount right now, thank God you did family planning. As for he and his side chic they deserve each other, just find a job and leave after the first pay abeg, you can squat with someone but just leave him, it’s not even worth it
DeleteNa wa. The pains women go through all because of being a MRS.
ReplyDeleteMadam may God provides you a job so that you can leave Amen.
Not only married women go through hell, Single girl go through worse from several men before they marry. If you do things God's way you hardly make mistakes, most of the people who go through all this hell didn't do things the right way,. Girls will see godly men and avoid them then end up with silly men.
DeleteAnon 17:03, when we do not understand why we tend to what to judge. Some of us dated and were on the straight and narrow. Dated men who were in the Church leading the flock and got messed up within an inch of our lives. Abeg take your judgmental attitude to the left.
DeleteVery well said, 17:03.
DeleteYou’ll be surprised to know that Church men are the most manipulative. I state this boldly from my experience as a psychologist. Men using scripture to subdue women and demand obedience ‘as to the Lord’
DeleteLies lies lies ^10000000000.
ReplyDeleteAll deceit and ferrytale.
Quit and let my brother breath fresh air biko.
#ungratefullots
You are the side hen abi. Shame on you. He will soon kill you
DeleteWonders shall never end . We have similar story just that my head too strong for anyone to bully to respect or lord over. He doesn’t have sex with me for over a year now gives me money just to cook for the house once in a while. Complains almost every day. He has a complex around me , use to be married . His marriage crashed after 5years and I’m wondering what happened he said the woman deceived him and didn’t give birth all na lie . I have a baby boy for him and he is still badly behaved no form of affection or love in the marriage. Since I got pregnant before our wedding no kiss or sex nothing . He bags like a woman . Very wicked . His mum or family members find nothing wrong about him not having sex they say I don’t respect him. That I insult him everyday . I asked how . ? Ok that means both of us aren’t normal to be mad 24.7- 365 days in a year
ReplyDeleteChai. Nne it is well with you my dear. Just do what makes you happy
Deletewith all this problems you are still worried about him not having sex with you?
DeleteYou are sick, don't get off your lazy ass and look for a job.
If Stella's blog didn't exist i guess you will never stand on your own?
Poverty chronicles.
You didn't know what happened in his last marriage and you went ahead and married him.
DeleteThe funny thing about these women is how they insult women like Chimamanda,yes, I too don't always agree with her but that does not mean I will insult her, her book we should all be feminist brought self esteem into my life, I'm prepping my daughter to be one too but in combination with being religious in the sense of loving your neighbor as yourself but I want her to be strong and make good decisions, I would rather have a daughter like Cee C than the one that will be mumuing herself for a man, thank God for the kind of wife I have, she is a combination of self worth and Godliness,if you are a single lady please ensure you discover yourself and develop self worth before thinking of settling down that way some of these weak men love picking on women due to their insecurity, p. S I'm a guy
DeleteOne thing with divorced men is, d thing that caused d previous divorce will always rear its head.
DeleteTotally agree with it because i am facing the same challenge too
Delete15.11 I put it to you that you were the side chic that helped to destroy his marriage. Now you are in, you are crying. May your fate befall all side chics who succeed in putting asunder and moving in. Iseee
DeleteIkwakwakwakwakwakwa.
Congrats sha
Sex is your problem. They said you are the one that destroyed his first marriage. Fuck kill you. 😂
Delete"...but now I need to act...."
ReplyDeleteI love that line, there in lies your power. Now get on your feet. I also like the fact that you are not one of the MUMUs that will be crying up amd down for sex and the need for another baby cos of biological time that is ticking.
Leaving should be the last thing though. Cos I strongly feel you should stand up to him. How did you allow him to break you this much?
Step up everything about you. Your dressing, hairdo. Ignore him like he never existed in the first place, be happy! Get a good job and let him know he cant stop you.
You can start all of these by confronting him of the cheating. Screenshot and keep for future references. Then get your groove back!
Good luck!
Don't stay if he is violent. Don't talk back at him,that's weakness. Let your plan be within you.
DeleteThe action he needs to see is just your success.
In as much as i agree with u but ur 3rd paragraph is a no no. Nne stand up to what..to a wolf in sheep clothing ..to a malicious manipulative beast. You want her dead abi or u think a man and woman's strenght na the same.Babe run far with ur child, please live/leave to fight for another day. Remove shame from ya face and ask relatives for any form of assistance. This kind of man that has relegated u the mother of his child to a nanny cos of a mere side chick can poison or kill u just to bring her in.
Delete@Anon16.02, thanks for your view.
DeleteStanding up to a man does not necessarily have to be violent. It doesn't have to be with abusive or harsh words. It means a paradigm shift. It means being bold to make your own decisions and standing by it. It means picking up your self worth and esteem,and all.
If he wants to make it violent, then take a walk. I'm never in a hurry to encourage people to leave their bad marriage,WITHOUT exploring other options.
Get which groove back in that house? Do you even know what that man is planning for her, divorce, kick her out into the streets, or even demise. Pls be wise
DeletePoster from your write up you suffer from low self esteem. Is this man actually your husband? A man will introduce me as his nanny and I will still be with him? Please pick your self esteem from the gutter where you left it and leave with your child. The first time I went to kano to job hunt I didn't know anybody there but I survived. Same with other places I have stayed. You will survive that animal will end up killing you with frustration if you decide to stay. Go to a new location and start life afresh you will survive, you will make it. Shalom!!!
ReplyDeleteDid you read he chronicles at all. You think job hunting in a strange land is same as moving into uncertainty with s child??? For to a new location as in enter bus and go to Nnewi and go where from the park??? One needs wisdom to take such move especially with a child okay, no dey yarn dust
DeleteThis thing called marriage no easy ooo, may God help us all ooo.
ReplyDeleteFunny enough some people are lucky
DeleteDrink zobo my dear, marriage can be very sweet. Even relationships too!! When you know your worth as a man/woman and know where you are going, you will know who to or not to date or even marry. Dont let all these tales decieve you. Some women are too desperate and make excuses for badly behaved men from the start, same for men to women. By the time the bad behaviour advances, they are tired and then start complaining.
DeleteIf you check it... this started with 'men are babies, overlook and be humble'. Today it is now manipulation....
Yesooo I’m one of the lucky ones. Even with all my stubbornness. God chose me and blessed me with heaven finest.
DeleteOk, let me say this
ReplyDeleteYou need to grow some balls lady
You have managed to make yourself look blameless in all this
He did this, he did that.
Quit whining and get to work!
Dont you know you can stand up to him?
He called you a nanny and you are calm like that?
Cant you show him fire?
Which kain cry baby you be sef?
You think by acting nice he will change?
See babe, until you can stand up for yourself, no one can stand up for you
Quit the pity party and start giving it back to him hot hot
So until you get a job, you will keep chopping this nonsense abi?
He knows you dont have guts that why he throws every nonsense at you
Dont be bold inugo? continue sneaking about until two of them turn you to a real life nanny.
Grow some balls? Is that what will save her from domestic violence? Everyone’s strength is not equal so please mind the advice you dish out.
DeletePoster needs to leave you environment ASAP with her child and continue looking for a job.
Any confrontation with that man could lead to violence and the man taking her child away before she does.
Poster please keep praying and try to act fast. Wishing you all the best.
👍👍👍
Delete"He made me believe I wasn't good enough for anything"
DeleteAnon 17:02 she needs to grow some balls, yes
I hate reading stories like this, I hate pity parties
"He made me quit my job" "He made my business collapse"
Did they create two of them on the same day?
Doesn't she know she owes herself and child a duty to succeed in life?
I keep saying that the way you react the first day your spouse does rubbish will determine if the rubbish will continue
She needs to stand up for herself first
Else if she gets the job the man will ask her to stop and she will obey him
Everyone's strenght is not equal but when you meet life challenges, you face them headon!
You dont hide and cower.
if he threatens you with court, shock him by going to court first!
He knows your are scared of him that why he is doing all these drama.
if he raises his hand on you, call SARS for him
He will just respect himself.
Please ma put ur self together and try as much as possible to build ur self esteem back. He's not ur God. Look for a job to start up with cos before moving out u need capital(money), no matter how little the job is. Some men are barbaric.
ReplyDeleteDidn't you date him before accepting to marry him? Oga oo. Get a job as you said and plan your exit. It is well with you.
ReplyDeleteThat question beg for answers all the time. But again you cant know all about a man. Thats where God factor comes in.
Delete*begs
DeleteSome stories are too bad hearing them. What actually change people after wedding is what I really want to know. I think is about time you speak up before things get worse. Let your people know what is going on even his people as well. Should in case things get worse, make an alternative of a place you will be staying before he assault you.
ReplyDeleteMarriage brouhaha don taya me biko.
ReplyDeletePoster sorry.
The Igbos have a special name for it: ino na-di. Defined as the the desperate need to persist in marriage despite all forces known and unknown, physical and spiritual irrespective of warning triggers.
ReplyDeleteThe ridiculousness of it all is alarming irritating and sorry I lack empathy as I cannot imagine being a ragdoll for some else’s benefit.
nne biko don't u have parents? our parents are sometimes the cause of these issues especially when the girl endures and dies in silence. Buko run to ur parents with ur kid and search for a job from there with free food and shelter over ur head. Parents it's high time we stoop up for our kids, no shame absolutely in it. Better alive and be a better person who will thrive to succeed to show the ex that i am a somebody than being 6 feet under.
ReplyDeleteIs there an NGO that can help this lady. She needs real help
ReplyDeleteChai......all these marriage tales are not encouraging at all. It is well
ReplyDeleteSpeechless.........
ReplyDeleteOp o don’t have a job for you. I am happy you didn’t write this chronicle after 6 kids. It’s shows you have a good head on your shoulders. Do everything you can to find work so you can feed yourself and your child. Financial independence is something Nigerian parents overlook. I hope we new generatio
ReplyDeleteI will keep telling ladies. Work and like your work. It shows your chidlren a good example of work ethic. It is usually more interesting to work than be at home. The children will be at school and then leave and you may well still want to work. Your husband may not always be around or fall on hard times and yours may be the only income. Thousands of good reasons to work.
God, what is going on in marriages? How can a man call his wife a nanny. Madam go look for job.. The Lord will be with you.
ReplyDeleteMake I enter anonymous talk this one because my husband visits this blog now, he's curious about my addiction to the blog.
ReplyDeleteHow on earth do you ladies or women tell a man the exact salary you earn?
What type of love is that?
I don't give exact amount, I move it out to a separate account. Why? Because everyone is replaceable.
Madam get a job, don't feel down over that butt face of a husband.
Work hand, make your money. As for your child, whatever court decides, if it's in his favor, you will be granted access to always see your child.
Move your ass out and look for job.
What has this your stupid talk of not telling your husband your full salary got to do with this story up here. Keep living in bondage and think you are smart.
DeletePatience is key but not in this case. Enough of self pity, dust your self up and get any job no matter how little. And please, try and ignore him .Focus on your son and future
ReplyDeleteThe man should leave the house instead for you and child if he's tired of being responsible man. Not you. Another lady can't reap your home. But you both can leave each other's life. Do you understand my point.
ReplyDeleteGet a life of your own and don't ever let any man to bully you into giving up your self esteem or prestige again.
All for endtime marriage.
Couples; learn to pray together always. The devil is fast destroying homes.
God bless you all.
What home do you ladies always refer to? Is the home the one with a man who says she is his nanny? Is it by force? Jesus Christ that statement is so annoying. Another will reap, reap what? Manipulation and unhappiness? Abuse? What shacks you ladies so much with marriage that you are so protective of UTTER TRASH just to be able to say I am married. Tueh!
DeleteAll these scary tales of marriage makes it seem like a no go area.God help us
ReplyDeleteMarriage is sweet, so my dear don't let all these chronicles scare you.
DeleteA lot are enjoying it as a lot are suffering inside it
Hay! God!!
ReplyDeleteWell I love the fact that you are ready to move on and not stay back to let him walk all over your self esteem. It is well.
ReplyDeleteI have two kids, been living together as a couple for more than 10 yrs and he refuse to pay my bride.. .i fell into temptation last Month, since im not Married.
ReplyDeleteHe doesn't intend to marry you. In the long run he might kick you out and marry "chassis". E go better.
DeleteI wonder what these men say to you to make you lose your self esteem?I swear,them never born that man sha wey try all these rubbish with me.Why you go let this man see you finish like this?It is an abomination.And I don’t think you should be worried that he is getting married to another woman.Just pick your self esteem from the floor and plan your exit.And now,I really don’t think you need his permission to look for a job.Just do you.You have allowed him too much control over you and it’s time you fight back.You owe it to yourself to be happy and not mortgage your life to this monster you call a husband.
ReplyDeleteIs so shameful how many people have made the marriage institution seem so unattractive and undesirable.Singles are more happier and achieving more these days. How can your hubby call you a nanny and is planning wedding with his GF.First you have to sue him for bigamy if at all you even legally married to him. I pray God gives you a job that way you can hold you own and take care of your child. Men please change you guys are something else!
ReplyDeleteThis story sounds so familiar except for the gf and the marriage plans. I was there until i was pushed, didnt even want to leave after 2 kids. Nobody should blame her until you have walked in her shoes. But am glad you are thinking.I was pushed out so i had no option than to have sense. and am glad i did today. I took that step you are about to take, i looked for a job everywhere possible. And God came through for me. Its less than 6 months but i have gotten my own apartment, i have my 2 kids in good schools and am going into biz. My dear, this is the right move. Nobody can take your child from you. Someone should please help her with a job and dont let this manipulator take it from you again. if you are not careful and still under the same roof with him working, you will eventually resign. They take away your security and make you powerless and feel worthless. Stella, most insecure men are scared of the fact that their partner visit your blog o. It is an eye opener.
ReplyDeleteMy ex threatened to send Stella insulting mails because of my addiction to this blog. Thank God I was able to get rid of his manipulative ass.
DeleteNa wa oh. this stroy get as e be.
ReplyDeleteplease do as Stella has said and stand up to him. However, have a plan and a time frame for the plan. let no one come and take your child away from you. where do these sort of people come from anyway?
Dear Poster The moment you start getting uncomfortable about an issue, The problem is half solved.
ReplyDeleteGive him reasons to be jealous of you. Give him reasons to be afraid of your next move. Dress as if your whole life depends on it. The little cloths you have. Iron them very well in his presence. While going out, insist on wearing what you want and not what he wants. Each time he is abusing you emotionally, behave as if you are not the one he is talking to. Don't talk back, don't leave the place or press phone. Just seat without any negative emotional expression. Once he notice his words don't hurt you, he will stop.
While watching movies, making calls even if its fake calls, laugh very well. Make him realize your life can be complete without him. Don't complain to anyone he knows. It is well with you.
Poster you have given your self the best advice just make sure you stick to it. Just know you are a good, strong and beautiful woman any man would want to have beside him.That beast of a man you call a husband does not drsdese you. Just keep being strong and make sure he doesn't see his child for at list 3years or more that animal deserves needs to be taught a lesson. Its just a pity for men who act like beast's, I wonder if they have mother's, sisters and daughters if they have given birth. How will such men feel if their sisters and daughters would be treated in the same way.
ReplyDeleteEleyi gidi gan ohhhhhh
DeleteEleyi gidi gan.....
ReplyDeletePoster.....you've taken the best decision. What I would add is that you should do everything to get a job and to start looking good and smell good that even the girlfriend would start noticing that you can't be a nanny.....and he would start noticing what he's going to loose if you leave him...
So wait.... she should start slaying so he will come and beg and they will unite again?? This useless man??
DeleteChikito, these girls watch too much film that is why. Look and smell good and he will notice mtschew . Like all the women who are cheated on look and smell like rotten egg.
DeleteTHANK GOD YOU SNOOPPED AND FOUND OUT JUST IN TIME TO GET YOUR ACTS TOGETHER. 👀👀👀👀 @ SDK. PLEASE ANYONE WHO CAN SHOULD PLS HELP HER WITH A JOB . YOU SHOULD HAVE ALSO DROPPED YOUR RESUME, THAT MAN IS WICKED HABA!
ReplyDeleteMadam you seem to have a bigger problem than is in front of you you have been mentally better NOTICE THAT you waited for him to leave you before you can plan a move!!!!
ReplyDeleteRemain just taking it until he gets married to his side chick and you start washing their sheets after sex you hear!!! While she goes to work. My dear there is church, there are good neighbours there is family there are solutions to your joblessness and lack of shelter ..... I have noticed a common thread with you married people you have no way to support yourselves do you marry for shelter or financial stability ?? You will now be insulting single ladies who are strong and hustling all because you're in slavery and servitude answering Mrs. Marriage is sweet abeg but when you enter for the right reasons and your partner is your friend smh!!!! GOOOOO MUST YOU BE BEGGED!!! For your own safety LEAVE even with nothing but the child