STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
BROUHAHA IN THE FAMILY
What should we do???
Good day Stella, I am regular blog visitor but I am yet to get an ID. This chronicle might sound or seem disjointed but I hope you all understand and give your candid advice.
I’m from a family of five including my parents, My dad is more than 15 years my mother’s senior,from childhood till now they have tried to give us the best they can. We are not rich but my mum will do anything to make us happy and it’s been going on fine like that, there are times they (my parents) quarrel and my mum will make statements like “I wish my mother was alive to direct me not to enter this marriage “ because to be honest my dad hardly listens to her or cooperate with her but after sometime they settle and we continue our lives.
I have a sister who just started her youth service,she is an introvert and we all know her for that, once in a while will you see her sit in our midst and gist or laugh together. She is more like My mums favorite child,she was a virgin by the time she finished from the university,she is also the churchy type.
Sometime last year she met a man in church and after sometime,he started visiting the house...My mum welcomed him happily as per this my daughter finally found a friend,so he would come and my mum would serve him food,make him comfortable.
After sometime we all noticed my sister that was churchy before became churchier excuse my English,not like it’s a sin but it made her keep to herself more and not relate with the rest of us,then she would always be on the phone 24/7 with this man from church. My mum became worried that it’s turning to something else and stopped him from coming to the house. Did I mention my sister has the most respect for my mum, but since when my mum asked this brother to stop visiting she became rude to her.
After sometime we all noticed my sister that was churchy before became churchier excuse my English,not like it’s a sin but it made her keep to herself more and not relate with the rest of us,then she would always be on the phone 24/7 with this man from church. My mum became worried that it’s turning to something else and stopped him from coming to the house. Did I mention my sister has the most respect for my mum, but since when my mum asked this brother to stop visiting she became rude to her.
She came one day and said the guy said “she is his wife “ Choi my mum was mad because the guy is just there,no swag of any sort,he never for once came to the house with gift for anybody not even her(my sister)...not like we are after money but my mum feels it’s from little things you know a person’s real attitude and to top it he is more than 10years older than her.
So the issue now is my mum told her to cut this relationship and she has blatantly refused and told my mum to her face”if you don’t support me,God is there”. My mum is worried the guy is brainwashing her with religion and he is way older than her but she no gree o.
This issue is causing a lot,My once happy family has turned to something else,my sister sees all of us as her enemies,my mum is always fighting and scared. I suggested they live her to learn the hard way but my mum insists she can’t let her child make such mistake. Please dear BVs what do you think.
Thank you:
*what kind of mother do you have sef?doesnt she know that you cannot stop a woman in love?Instead of her to spend time counselling and guiding her daughter,look at how she is tearing her family apart......Some mothers should pray for Solomon'S wisdom.
Your mum should leave your sister alone please!...She is like that because of the atmosphere in the house and becos she senses rejection already!
In my opinion I think she just found a man spiritually inclined like her. I think there is no cause for alarm here.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to write again. Your mum should be prayerful and ask.God to change any negativity to positive.
DeleteWhen she carry him come and you mama dey happy, he be girl that time?
DeleteIm dey 12 years younger that time?
Oh ya mama think say na playmate them be?
Abegi leave matta for Martha. Make una escort them go altar quick quick.
Your sister's emotion is all over the place. And I can also sense an air of hostility in her masked in extreme religiosity. How dare she become rude to her family because a brother is showing an interest in her? Maybe she's forgotten the part of the Bible which says; 'honour your parents'.
DeleteIt will help if you all attend the same church, if not, someone should try attending her church to understand what influence she's being subjected to. Also, the pastor or leader of the congregation she worships in can be someone whose counsel she'll be willing to follow. If you can get this person to talk to her to begin to reason with her head not her heart, I think the issue would've been greatly handled.
However, there is a need for you to try to become closer to her. It's not healthy for you to live with a person you have little to no understanding of. I think why she could become belligerent all of a sudden is because she believed no one could relate to her on her plane. And I also believe this brother has taken advantage of that fact and made a conscious effort to relate to her. I think that's why she seems hooked on him.
PS: My usage of you includes both the poster and other members of the family. Also, nobody is anyone's 'wife' or 'husband' until after marriage.
#LOVE#PEACE
I totally get where your mum is coming from, she is her mother so yes she will get really worried, asking her to leave her would cause her heart break cus it’s not easy for a mother to watch her child go down the wrong part and have no control over it, especially when it the outcome could be something she doesn’t survive.
DeleteThat’s how my childhood neighbor (the eldest out of 5 daughters and the holiest) started following one acclaimed “pastor” from her church, they were initially happy until he started controlling her, to the point that she moved in with him, got pregnant and eventually lost her job, she was suffering so much but couldn’t go back to her mum, cus of shame and the kind of way he was controlling her. She gave birth and the abuse became worse, as he started blaming her for his poverty. She eventually returned when he drove her out and refused getting married to her, so she’s back home, with no job and an extra mouth for her mum to feed, others (her sisters) are more successful.
This is how most of them end up, but what if hers leads to death, so yes I get where your mum is coming from, it’s not easy, just keep praying for your sister, and your mum as well, cus those kind of men are the worst kind of abusers.
Dear parents please raise confident children, cus most introverts have this kind of attitude, once they meet someone that says “I love you” they jump at it, never let your child be the secretive type
Nobody is as foolish as a girl in love and a supporter of Bihari. Dem no dey hear until recession comes and she will den complain like ur mom did against ur dad. Warn her very well then let her be.
DeleteThere is every cause for alarm here. Her mother is trying to save her from herself. Your sister does not yet realize the ways of men. You have to leave her alone to face the consequences of her actions, and hope it will not be too late for her.
DeleteNa wa ooo. Let her see her mistake herself and then she will correct it.
ReplyDeleteAll your mother and you all need to do is to pray for God's guidance on her.
let her make mistakes?
Deletethis is not just a wrong turn while driving oh, or the kind of mistake that can be erased with HB pencil, its a lifetime mistake, she can get pregnant b4 realizing that some demons are louder in the midst of choristers, she must be very naive & vulnerable! I understand the families fears. Its hard to keep quite wen someone u love is goin down a wrong path.
quiet*
DeleteThank you oxygen, I don’t know what Stella is saying, is it easy for a mother to forget her child, the one she considered her favorite sef, especially when you can see the person falling into a pit, pregnancy is even small, considering the other things that could go wrong
DeleteYou are correct Oxygen but Yori is also correct. The girl can't be forced.
DeleteDarling, the lady in question is older than you and she is an adult.
ReplyDeleteYour mother sounds like someone who is trying to live through her children, she thinks because she made wrong choices and settling for your father then she’d do all she can to sabotage relationships her daughters have to make them go for the things she should have gone for but sadly for her life doesn’t work that way.
As long as she continues to wade in on the issue without putting your sisters feelings in consideration, the more quarrels and tension it would cause in the family. She should have a talk with your sister and ask her why she likes this man. She probably sees what the rest of you are not seeing. He doesn’t have swag but from the description of your sister, she doesn’t have swag either. Let your mother first find out about him from outsiders before crucifying him in private over his age, swaglessness and faith. That way, she can have something tangible to say it’s her reason for disapproving the union but until then your sister is an adult and should be treated as one. Your mother should stop projecting and should have taken this action before your sister was old enought to take decisions on her own.
A million likes for dis,especially ur first paragraph
DeleteDoppel, always writing chronicles in the name of advice.
DeleteAnonymous don't be a hater. Doppleganger is good.
DeleteBest advice so far!
DeleteHer mother has a gut feeling. Wait till you become a mother.
DeleteYour sister is drunk in love,probably she finds solace in this church brother and happy...
ReplyDeleteLet her follow her heart and your mum reasons are not enough to break a relationship.
ReplyDeleteDon't be nasty towards d mother, every mom would be worried, we all react differently, if it were me, I would allow her taste that thing shaking her or I warn d brother sternly...that u don't toy with my kids.
ReplyDeleteIke gu kwa. Just imagine. He has no “swag”, he’s “just there”. Sorry to break it to y’all but you all sound like gold diggers. Be looking for flashy man that’ll be bringing rice and money asper gifts. Remember that all that glitters is not gold. Just let her be biko. Your mom’s job is just to advise her soundly and not try to physically tear apart her daughter's relationship. As far as the man is God fearing, truly loves the girl and is hardworking, me I don’t see any issues. Be looking for rich man until you’ll catch the one that will put you inside fire. Mtscheeeeeew
ReplyDeletemy thought as well. Why sound as if you have set standard for her? Age barrear is not the reason your mum relationship/marriage is the way it is.
DeletePls let her guide her with love. Love conquers all.
Sorry Snarker,I do not understand you ,so it's proper for him to continue to enjoy their hospitality without reciprocating? The man is an example of a free loader, which is a red flag,though the Mum is going about it ,the wrong way.
DeleteY'all screaming theyre gold diggers, youre so wrong.. if they were gold diggers he wouldnt be given a seat in their home, that friendship will be killed in the crib, maybe the poster would have omitted that part she mentioned "Gifts" cus it seemed to stand out. This man is bringing out a new-found attitude in their daughter, & its distastful & uncomfortable for them all, she'd be easily blinded cus not many chykers come her way, its almost like she just stepped out of Sahara desert & ure telling her to shower first b4 drinking water, really?? Theres absolutely nothing wrong with his marriage proposal, but is he financially ready to cater for a family? reading bible no de belle full oh, he hasnt even shown abit of generosity to her or the sisters, i believe thats where you'all tagged them gold diggers, pls they are NOT!! Any potential suitor with half brain should know that gifts is the surest way to show ur financial strenght, u dont need to drive & take her on a date or buy her an Channel bag.
DeleteHes not a smart man, he must be crawling out of a cave if he thinks he can marry her without their support or like, this is not ripping off the bandage quickly, it'd boomerang! Youre creating enemity already, mumu man.
U are soooo intelligent oxygen, I duff my hat.
DeleteOxygen. Why you get sense laidis na. I love you abeg. You're a truth talker.
DeleteLike mother like daughter
ReplyDeleteI had the same problem poster. How I wish my family didnt try to boss me. She's in love, you can't do anything about it. Try to be her friend before you scold her else she will withdraw more and more. If she finally becomes your enemy because of your attitude, you will not be able to correct her. You can only correct someone you love
ReplyDeleteDear poster,I will go with Stella on this one...fighting with her will do more harm than good seeing as you already said she is an introvert.If you are close to her,you can sit with her and have a heart to heart talk;probably sighting the case of your parents with regards to the age issh(on the other hand he maybe the one for her).In all,I pray the Lord bring peace to your home.
ReplyDeleteYour mother is scared that what she's facing now doesn't happen to your sister but the truth is your sister is old enough to make her own decision. Y'all should let her be, just pray for her since advice won't work at this point.
ReplyDeletehmmmm na wah
ReplyDeleteShuo! What kind of man makes a woman withdraw from her family? Why is she keeping to herself? A woman in love with a good man is In love with the world. She would always be happy with everyone. This one she dey make she look well. Except they decide to separate walahi ur mom can't do Nada. Na d way of love. She should counsel her and speak to the man so he will know he is being watched.
ReplyDeleteShuo! What kind of man makes a woman withdraw from her family? Why is she keeping to herself? A woman in love with a good man is In love with the world. She would always be happy with everyone. This one she dey make she look well. Except they decide to separate walahi ur mom can't do Nada. Na d way of love. She should counsel her and speak to the man so he will know he is being watched.
ReplyDeleteYour mom is doing the right thing. I almost married a stingy goat like that too. When I was naive.
ReplyDeleteYall should leave her to make a costly mistake
Thanks dear ,nobody is seeing the aspect of him,exhibiting his free loader traits ,mtshew 🙄🙄🙄
DeleteI don't trust men who are tight fisted during courtship(or dating like some of you would call it). I honestly believe that one of the easiest ways to show love is by giving. In fact giving should come very easy if you really love someone.
ReplyDeleteBut then again, asides him not giving your sister gifts and not being your family's standard of "classy", are there other terrible attributes about him?
1.Does he have a stable job?
2.Has he helped your sister develop herself better since they started dating?(cos that's how some people show love).
3. Before all these drama, what was his attitude like towards you and your parents?
If the answers to these questions are negative, I suggest you all bring in soldiers who will secretly threaten him and warn him to breakup/stay away from your sister 😀
That's a joke o!
I think your mum should call her and have a mother daughter talk with her. She should even cry if she can. I'm sure somewhere in her heart she still loves and respects your mum and wouldn't want to see her sad.
If that fails, maybe you should take my first advice that I still insist is a joke 😀😂
free the young lady she'll learn on her own. it's only natural for a mother to be worried, but mumcy should take a chill pill.
ReplyDeleteYou people are greedy. Your mum wants to live through her children. Why does he have to buy you people gifts? Gold digging! What do you mean by swag? Are you the ones marrying him? Mind your lives. My husband is 10years older than I am, I have zero regrets and will marry him again. You people should face your front abeg
ReplyDeleteThey are not greedy the least the man who visits and is well taken care of during his visits can do is to buy something no matter how small it is to show appreciation to her mom at least. Sorry but lemme ask you a question when you were dating or courting your husband and he came to see your parents did he come empty handed?It's normal for any parent to be worried about their child especially if She's over withdrawing to herself,maybe they are going about it the wrong way but it's normal to worry. That yours worked doesn't mean it's same
DeleteWhat an elder sees whilst sitting, a child would not see even if the child climbs mount kilimanjaro.
ReplyDeletePoster,tell your Mother to leave her,let her follow her heart,if it ends well...good..if it doesnt she will use as a learning curve and move on.....Ngwanu
ReplyDeleteMost of the fights people have are due to poor communication skills. The time that mummy is using to prepare food for him, she should use to be talking and gisting with him. Like "ah ah brother Fortunatus, you didn't even buy garden egg or groundnut for us". In a joking manner. When he buys it, you will serve him from it,let him not think hunger is killing your family. Or you guys should complement his outfit and just add one or 2 tips. Like : this shirt you're wearing is really nice. If you had a darker coloured trousers to go with it, mehn it will look sharp. Your mother is alienating your sister. Not good. When your sister comes back from church, you guys should ask how church was, what they did. How long each activity took, etc. When brother Fortunatus comes around, ask him how his day went, what he was up to the past weekend. Not in an interrogative manner, but as if you're gisting with a friend. If you get a person to loosen up and talk about themselves, if they are a bad person, one day they will say something bad that you will just use to hook them. Let your mother sit your sister down. Let her ask her what her expectations are and if she has any boundaries. And if she has communicated these to brother Fortunatus the choir master. How did these go down with him? Let your mother have a private conversation with him. Like: in our own days, we didn't have much courtship. I wonder what issues you guys talk about these days. What are your expectations? Do you have any boundaries? Then let her talk to your sister too. If she's all goey eyed and has unrealistic expectations or no boundaries, she's not ready for marriage. These are your mother's duties. Don't stop talking, don't stop looking at body language. If she chases this one, another one like him will come along if these issues are not trashed out with your sister. Let mumsy sit up.
ReplyDeleteI learned from this.
DeleteFortunatus 😂😂😂
Delete🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣brother fortunatus....I learned from this
Deletestellawahst bad advice. it is the mothers job to worry for her children and look out that they are with the right people. This girls sounds like the very naive type. if the guy is good she will enjoy BUT if the guy is an animal. hmm he has seen correct mugu. i dont blame the mum for bing worried at all. afterall she was very supportive before all the strange behaviour started. its always a bad sign when you start excluding your family for a man.
ReplyDeleteI don't trust any man who makes a woman withdraw from her family.
ReplyDeleteStella once bitten,twice shy. A man who doesn't express his love through any little means except with his mouth isn't deep with you and this gonna continue once they are married. He might not give her a dime and then leave her to cater for the kids. Her mum is right cos she's been there. Tell her to do away from that man. There are lit of churchy pretending gentle men just to get what they want and then the real beast shows up
ReplyDeleteExactly
DeleteDon't judge the mum no body want their child to mk the same mistakes they made.if she is happy your mum should try and kn the guy. IF he have a job? Ws he marry before and his family yes oh na so one fake pastor nearly brainwash my frd and turn her to destitute mk her dash all her things to the extend that she dey find pple around to sponsor marriage na God help her. It was like jazz she latter find out the same pastor dey sleep with church members and secretary and get two children,some human being r terrible.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy reading chronicles BUT it saddens my heart when i read comments, majority just talk stupidity, you advise without commonsense, you talk without any atom of wisdow,you talk foolishly, you advise from your leg,you talk without human feelings, you talk with lack of respect to the situation, you reason out of context. I can go on and on.
ReplyDeleteIf full identity of the commenters are revealed, most of you will behave and be positive. Heck some of y'all's life ain't as good or better than the victims so why hide under fake names and anonymous spit out poison.
Oshey madam common sense! Mrs Ben Murray Bruce! After your rant madam, you didn't drop any "common sense filled" advice.
DeleteShe's not in love. The man is a useless man that's taking Of a girl that thinks she can't do better. The m can see he's not good for her. I hope she listens. Asking for marriage and has never given the mum anything. The signs are there
ReplyDeleteThat man is bad news. Mark my words
DeleteMost people in this blog only respond according to SDK's red biro. The mother is only being careful maybe because of what she is going through in her marriage. She does not want any of her children to suffer in marriage.
ReplyDeleteThis hollier than thou born again men are most times dangerous. I guess he might have disvirgined that girl that is why she is ready to fight anybody to have him.
My dear, you people should forget your elder sister, she will never listen to any of you for now. Your sister has tasted the cookies, the thing don sweet here well well. Your mother should call the guy, seat him down and talk with him like a son. Ask him his intentions towards their daughter, let him know his presence is causing misunderstanding in your family. From his response, they will know the next action. Your mum should take your sister out. seat her down in a lonely place. let her tell her daughter that sex is not everything. Marriage is very good but marrying the right person is the best. Ask her daughter why she loves that guy so much that she is ready to disown them because of the guy. Her response will tell her what next to do. Please while talking to either of them. She should do so with complete love. If possible buy food or drink and discuss as friends.
God bless you, you truly get it
DeleteYour sister is in love, and there's nothing you or your mum will tell her to make her change her mind for now, the only thing you do is to get close to her, show her that you love and understand her. Please pray for her .
ReplyDeleteThat church guy is a questionable character. He's trying to isolate the girl from her family
ReplyDeletePoster don't mind anyone calling ya,ll gold diggers, na dem go ask u for giveaway latter....
ReplyDeleteOn a second note, girls make una no fall una parents hand abeg, bring a respectable n responsible man home so ur mom will give u thumbs up ...no be to dey bring anyhow persons in d name of love...its disheartening, make ur parents proud, let their labour not be in vain....your parents ought to see you husband robbed n smile, not frown.
Robbed...oops...mistake
DeleteI'm surprised the way you all are blaming the mother, for God's sake she is the mother and this girl is clearly not thinking well. What kind of man makes you enemy with your family, is going to be destructive if this relationship continues.
ReplyDeleteI have this distant cousin, she raised her siblings, sponsored their education. It happened that one of the sister got into a relationship with a man, a priest sha, this man is a sadist, he doesn't laugh, always serious. The elder sister tried to talk her out of the marriage, she did her mind. Some months after the wedding, the big sister and her kids went to visit her as per festive period, they also brought some items with them. That evening, she got a call from the sister that the husband warned her not to allow any family member in their house. It was a big issue. This happened almost 10 years ago, till today nobody has seen her or her kids, they only talk on phone, that is if the husband allows it. Things are happening, we should open our minds to receive people's chronicles, read through it, imagine it was your sister or daughter, will you watch her go into what will destroy her...
Signing out
Kimberly
I agree with you 100%. I just don't have strength to type today. Who wants her daughter to marry a person who cuts them off from their family and doesn't even buy his love interest gifts? Who wants their child to walk into trouble? Even if its a bowl of fruits for the family, try!! Didnt Isaac give rebekah's family gifts? Da heck! Abraham sent his servant with gifts to go and get him a wife for his son. If I talk now them go come under anon say I dey brag or I'm making it about myself. But meehn... that's no damn courtship and when you have seen real courtship, you will know.
DeleteAll these church-y men can be devils within, but naive babes won't know. My father always tells us to even be more careful with bible professing men cos they can be the worst! Pretty sad, but she would most likely marry the man... so?? 🤷♀️
This isn't love, more like another brainwashed sheepy, any religion or relationship that makes you think you are better than others or that others are irrelevant to you especially your family is questionable.Signs of abuse right there.signs of a religious cult right there! Your sister needs prayers and loads of patience and love.I am afraid your Mum can't do much otherwise.
ReplyDeleteYour sister has lost her virginity to him. She'll be back in 5yrs time.
DeleteDraw the guy closer since you are siblings.
My mom used to be my best friend...God rest her soul, I don't see how anybody not to talk of man could ruin our relationship. I understand your mum, she doesn't want her daughter to make same mistakes she made but let her learn from this.
ReplyDeleteI had a very stingy guy that was on my case, the way I drifted from him surprised him sef.
You can't love and not give, I pray she doesn't end up destroyed.
Same thing happened to me when I was younger. Churchy, studious. He was much older.
ReplyDeleteHe made sure he disvirgined me by force, which I know now is rape. Because he thought that if he did that I would not want to be with anyone else. Very manipulative. Prayer warrior but sexually perverted.
Wanted to be on the phone with me at all times. When I am out with family he will start complaining and trying to make me feel bad. Hated me talking to my friends or going out. He became my only friend and years after the breakup it is still affecting me. He would lash out and make me apologise for spending time with my family eg at a family wedding. He would still be there on the phone. You can't say anything around him because he'll conclude that you look down on him and he'll start talking about how he's so great etc. He may be narcissistic, borderline personality, or simply a controlling and abusive soul. This is unlikely to be a coincidence.
He became very manipulative and controlling. I realised that he was insecure and no matter what I did he would never become secure. He would lash out and use silent treatment which worked because he was my only friend, verbally abusive and even began to try and and turn me against my mum. Controlled my dressing and would attack me if he felt another man was looking at me or wanted to be my friend. When I broke up with me he threatened my life for many years. Your mother knows what she is seeing, but it is likely that your sister is already being conditioned for abuse. What you guys should do is casually discuss a similar situation like this, just once. Never bring it up again. Be her friend so she can open up and not feel ashamed if she feels fed up. Discuss stories of abuse and domestic violence, even if it's just discussing chronicles from this blog. NO VICTIM BLAMING, that is what kills women in Nigeria. And pray for her. If my mother didn't pray for me, maybe I would not be here now.
First of all, it sounds like she has already been sidelined in the home cos an introvert will usually have a circle where they are most comfortable with opening up. The family is often a part and the first of that circle. Here I am wondering why she keeps to herself a lot in her home. Could it be because she is churchy like you say and mum's favorite so everyone seems to avoid her? You need to work on your relationship. Anyways, that's just by the way.
ReplyDeleteTruthfully, courtesy demands that dear brother does not come to your house empty handed(this has got nothing to do with been gold diggers), however, what other things can you pin on him as a red flag asides the giving part and churchyness(there is nothing wrong with been churchy if all other things are equal).You can't know these things except you allow him. Accommodate him well enough so much so that he will be relaxed enough to REVEAL himself(Note that this will endear you all to your sister)then you can work with what you are shown.
If you have however done the above, then I would suggest that your mother and the rest of you should handle this calmly. Do not give her a tough time at all, rather show her all the love possible because at this moment, she is deeeeep in love and you guys will seem like her enemies. Mum should have calm momma/daughter conversations with her and above all else, pray!
When i read things like this i feel so sad because it brings back memories of how such happened to my most Elder Sister and it took her 8 years to realize that she had wasted her time with someone who didn't have plans for her .i quiet understand the position of your mum and trust me my mum tried same thing but as they say when woman is in love she hardly listens to anyone even when the truth is right in front of her. infact the guy threatened to end all my family members all because my parents told him to leave their daughter alone so she could concentrate with her studies. anyway i pray its not too late to take control of the situation and make your sister come back to her senses because my sister till date is yet to recover guess if we knew better then we would have approached the issue in another way. please try talking to your parents to apply wisdom and not be forceful.
ReplyDelete