DEFYING YOUR PARENTS FOR LOVE....
Stella,
I need some thoughts and advise from fellow bvs. Please bear with me. I am a regular bv, though anonymous and not Nigerian.
Here's my story.
I an a christian lady in my 30's and still single (sort of). The dilemma I face is this: what happens when two people genuinely love each other but can't be together.
Le boo (my Mr C) and I reside in one of the North American countries. We met (through a mutual friend) and it was an instant friendship. I mean have you met that one guy with whom you are so comfortable; and everything just clicks. Right from day one, we texted each other regularly.My Mr C is nothing short of amazing.
He wakes up and has to check in with me first thing in the morning; during the day and at night. He wants to know if I slept well, if I have eaten, what I did; if my day was good; if anything went wrong. Whatever happens he wants to know all about it. I have never been this excited and happy with any other guy. Please note that we live 3 hours away from each other, so don't get to see ourselves often as a result of our work and school schedules.
It was a gradual friendship. He is easy going, open, gentle; this man cares about all that happens to me. And he has a strong vision for the future. He is kind, God fearing, honest and the kind of friend and partner you can rely on. And that is how and why I fell in love with him. I could tell he really liked me too, though he hadn't declared anything overtly. But what man checks on you so often if he doesn't like you.
It was a gradual friendship. He is easy going, open, gentle; this man cares about all that happens to me. And he has a strong vision for the future. He is kind, God fearing, honest and the kind of friend and partner you can rely on. And that is how and why I fell in love with him. I could tell he really liked me too, though he hadn't declared anything overtly. But what man checks on you so often if he doesn't like you.
We saw each other, went out together; eating, sports, his home. Please note there was never any pressure around him. We really just enjoyed each other's company.
So fast forward to a weekend when le boo was visiting me. He had to attend the wakekeeping of a friend's dad and also see me.
That day I felt like my heart will burst when I saw him. He was/is everything I have ever wanted in a man. We chatted, I cooked, we ate, he cleared up the dishes; went through all the christian songs we liked; sang along to Don Moen, Tasha Cobbs and Hillsong; watched a movie and he just sat down next to me holding my hands and holding me close.
I was in my man's arms, and I knew I had found home.
I just had to tell him how I felt, as I thought it was pretty obvious from his actions that, he liked me too. It turns out he felt the same; and my man felt proud of the fact that I was able to tell him how I felt first. He likes a confident woman.
Those were the best words I had heard. We stood together for almost 30 minutes, just holding each other close, no words needed to be said, my Mr C was mine, just as I had imagined. I swear this man's heartbeat is the sweetest music I'll ever hear.
But it seems the universe had conspired to make my joy short lived.
Alas my man dropped the bombshell. It seems the last time he went home in 2016, his parents found a girl that they wanted him to marry, the daughter of a family friend. It will make both families extremely happy if he married this girl.
At the time le boo was single, so he decided to give it a try. Mind you, I have verified the story from an independent third party and he is not lying to me in anyway. He has not done anything (even traditional ) on the girl's "head". But my man's parents are set on him marrying the girl.
The problem now is that my man does not know how to get out of that situation without causing family problems. He does not also want to introduce me and have his parents hate me for shattering their dreams.
I have no doubt that he loves me; there isn't a problem on this earth that I can't talk to him about. This is the first man who has prayed for me; who calls me to talk about the things of God. And we both know that we want to be together for the long term. This is the first man that I met, and instinctively we both knew that we didnt just want to date; we wanted to wake up to each other everyday.
And no, we are not sleeping together. He has kissed me, but that's about as far as it went.
My man has promised to ask his older brother for help in trying to sort out the situation with the girl back home. His elder brother lives not too far away from me. The issue is that I see how scared he is of the ensuing family problems.
The problem now is that my man does not know how to get out of that situation without causing family problems. He does not also want to introduce me and have his parents hate me for shattering their dreams.
I have no doubt that he loves me; there isn't a problem on this earth that I can't talk to him about. This is the first man who has prayed for me; who calls me to talk about the things of God. And we both know that we want to be together for the long term. This is the first man that I met, and instinctively we both knew that we didnt just want to date; we wanted to wake up to each other everyday.
And no, we are not sleeping together. He has kissed me, but that's about as far as it went.
My man has promised to ask his older brother for help in trying to sort out the situation with the girl back home. His elder brother lives not too far away from me. The issue is that I see how scared he is of the ensuing family problems.
Refusing to be with the lady is certainly going to cause a lot of strife, especially with the parents. And I know he is the peace loving type, who does not want to displease his parents. This is his only shortcoming for now.
I have encouraged him to talk it out with his siblings. They are a close knit bunch and I know they want the best for him. I have asked him to just tell the girl that he is no longer interested. But I don't want to push him or force ideas on him. I want him to do it because he is willing to fight for me; for us. In a way, I'm waiting to see how far he can go for the woman he loves. I am probably a lot stronger than him psychologically because I have withstood more adversity in life and I can take what is thrown at me. But I am scared my man will capitulate to family pressure.
In the mean time, I have had to call off any romantic relationship we had. The worst decision I have ever had to make. Telling your man to go, because being together is a bittersweet pain. I will never be a side piece or knowingly hurt another woman, but if I am with a man, it's two of us only or nothing else. So for now we are trying to be content with being just friends.
We still call and text each other, (I cannot bear to cut all contact) but I have told him we cannot see each other physically again because I am not sure if I am strong enough to see him standing infront of me, without breaking down or just falling into his arms. I am heartbroken but I also know in my heart that I wish him the very best whether it be with me or without me (even though I prefer it to be with me).
I need to motivate myself to face each day. He still texts to say he misses me and wants me to be completely happy, and he wishes he could change everything. He still checks on me, each and everyday; he calls to make sure I have eaten. "My miss C, please don't be sad, please tell me you are ok. I can't be ok when I know you are not happy". Even though I am not ok, I have to tell him that I am, love is a thing of joy; it shouldn't bring problems.
BVs I dont know what else I can do. My closest friend says to let things be, to try to move on and if he is mine, he will come back to me. But I know life is for the bold, if you just sit down and let things go by, nothing will ever change. But how do I get the change I desire?
I know without a doubt that I have peace with him. We are good together. I'm not talking school girl butterflies; I've been through enough in life to know what I want in a man. But I also know that I want him to be happy and even if he doesn't choose to fight for us, I will still want him to be happy and want the best for him.
Is there anyone who has been in my situation before? What did you do? Please to all the BVs who may want to suggest "knacking pigeon" or visiting some quack prophet, please I don't believe in such. Neither do I need deliverance. I am praying about this situation. We all have access to the same God. I just want practical, rational suggestions from anyone who has ever faced such a tough situation. I know I even have an advantage because we live in the same country; if I wanted this man to see me all the time, I can easily do it. If I was one of those ladies who wanted to force a man through pregnancy to choose them, then that would be easy. But I try to live a Godfearing life and I know trying any of these things is the surest way to ruin whatever chance we had at love. So please no one should suggest this either. I cannot do that to him.
What happens when two people love each other genuinely but cannot be together? Can you defy your family for love? Would you choose the woman/man you love and risk alienating your parents?
Bvs I need your help/ advise / or please just pray for me. No insults. To have peace no matter the outcome of this situation.
May God bless you Stella and continue to use you abundantly. Please keep me anonymous.
Thnak you for postingMiss C..
I have encouraged him to talk it out with his siblings. They are a close knit bunch and I know they want the best for him. I have asked him to just tell the girl that he is no longer interested. But I don't want to push him or force ideas on him. I want him to do it because he is willing to fight for me; for us. In a way, I'm waiting to see how far he can go for the woman he loves. I am probably a lot stronger than him psychologically because I have withstood more adversity in life and I can take what is thrown at me. But I am scared my man will capitulate to family pressure.
In the mean time, I have had to call off any romantic relationship we had. The worst decision I have ever had to make. Telling your man to go, because being together is a bittersweet pain. I will never be a side piece or knowingly hurt another woman, but if I am with a man, it's two of us only or nothing else. So for now we are trying to be content with being just friends.
We still call and text each other, (I cannot bear to cut all contact) but I have told him we cannot see each other physically again because I am not sure if I am strong enough to see him standing infront of me, without breaking down or just falling into his arms. I am heartbroken but I also know in my heart that I wish him the very best whether it be with me or without me (even though I prefer it to be with me).
I need to motivate myself to face each day. He still texts to say he misses me and wants me to be completely happy, and he wishes he could change everything. He still checks on me, each and everyday; he calls to make sure I have eaten. "My miss C, please don't be sad, please tell me you are ok. I can't be ok when I know you are not happy". Even though I am not ok, I have to tell him that I am, love is a thing of joy; it shouldn't bring problems.
BVs I dont know what else I can do. My closest friend says to let things be, to try to move on and if he is mine, he will come back to me. But I know life is for the bold, if you just sit down and let things go by, nothing will ever change. But how do I get the change I desire?
I know without a doubt that I have peace with him. We are good together. I'm not talking school girl butterflies; I've been through enough in life to know what I want in a man. But I also know that I want him to be happy and even if he doesn't choose to fight for us, I will still want him to be happy and want the best for him.
Is there anyone who has been in my situation before? What did you do? Please to all the BVs who may want to suggest "knacking pigeon" or visiting some quack prophet, please I don't believe in such. Neither do I need deliverance. I am praying about this situation. We all have access to the same God. I just want practical, rational suggestions from anyone who has ever faced such a tough situation. I know I even have an advantage because we live in the same country; if I wanted this man to see me all the time, I can easily do it. If I was one of those ladies who wanted to force a man through pregnancy to choose them, then that would be easy. But I try to live a Godfearing life and I know trying any of these things is the surest way to ruin whatever chance we had at love. So please no one should suggest this either. I cannot do that to him.
What happens when two people love each other genuinely but cannot be together? Can you defy your family for love? Would you choose the woman/man you love and risk alienating your parents?
Bvs I need your help/ advise / or please just pray for me. No insults. To have peace no matter the outcome of this situation.
May God bless you Stella and continue to use you abundantly. Please keep me anonymous.
Thnak you for postingMiss C..
*Wow,you write so well and explain so well that I actually thought i was reading an Book story.
You didnt say if your man is a Nigerian or not..
Please what kind of man does this diaper talk about parents marrying for him blah blah blah.....Please if he cannot stand up fr love,then let him go!!
Let him decide who he wants to be with whilst you go on with your life!!
My dear there is nothing you can do. All you can do is to have back up B. Dont put much hope there because your lover will still marry that girl whether he likes it or no.
ReplyDeleteSome men dont take the bull by the horn at all. If you pressure his bros and sisters very well, they will hate you because the parents choosing the girl back home knows what they want.
So park well and look for another man. You dont need deliverance for this, na park well
No b small diaper talk. At this age n time. Mtchew
DeleteStella nothing like diaper talk here. He already accepted and led the babe on before he met Miss C.
DeleteMiss C, maybe you should have waited for him to declare his intentions first.... That's in the past now.
I've not been in your shoes but I think you should give him space to clear everything.
Forget about 'His parents and their choice of wife for him'...the guy is not in love with you. Personally as a man, I cannot see a girl after my heart and my parents who can't tell how I feel will be somewhere picking another lady for me. For what kwanu!?? See eh! A man knows what he want and can go for what he want..all this talk about mama say, papa say won't fly!
DeleteDear poster, I have been in exactly the same situation before. He was sweet, caring always checked on me. Looked into my eyes with so much love, made me feel special, would do whatever I wanted. Always told me he didn’t want to marry her because i’m the one with whom he has experienced falling in love with but circumstances were complicated etc. To cut the long story short he came one day and told me he travelled that weekend for his introduction. My heart was broken but I kept my cool. The lesson I learnt was that if he is convinced truly that you are the one, he will sort the issues out without getting you involved. Please move on and save yourself further heart ache and don’t put your mind on him coming back. If he does good, if not you would have moved on.
DeleteDon't be so conclusive #sky;iv seen an overly gentle man Luke the poster is describing torn BTW his decision and wanting to please his parent!!!
DeleteBe patient and pray lady,what is yours will not go anywhere.please pray for him to get the grabs to come out to his parents and the lady,the fact that you left your happiness aside to let him do the right thing is enough to fight for you!
You do write well lady,It felt like I was reading a NORA ROBERTs.....lol!
Gbam!
DeleteThe man is fooling her big time!!!
Sweet talk, playing pretend care & love with her. Typical smooth talking con artist. Says all the right things u like to hear, but the truth is he's not yours & can never be. U waste ur time & life instead of looking for a man else where who is suitable & available for u.
Goodluck in your delusion & foolish bliss with a married man.
Dear poster, I've been in your exact shoes before. Turns out the guy was very much in love with the girl and wasn't compelled by his family to marry her... He didn't want to hurt me by telling me the truth. Did he like me? Yes! But he loved her...a man who loves you would fight for you no matter how gentle and peace loving he is...you will be fine 🤗🤗🤗
DeleteI can tell the man na Naija guy, anyway he does not love you babes. You better find your way. They can pray for Africa enter Europe plus America and Asia so don't be fooled. Why did he not make his intentions known first? He wanted to string u along but u quick talk ROVE..
DeleteMy dear the earlier you start the process of letting him go the better for you. I know this so well. I've been there. You asked what type of man checks on you everyday if he doesn't like you. Well the type that led me on for a whole year. He did all of what you mentioned and more. I came out stronger. I was just laughing and shaking my head all through your narrative it just too familiar. A guy that wants to be with you would defy anybody. Sister just let go because a stitch in time saves nine. Anon 18:08 Hello from the other side.
DeleteSeemingly becoming impossible to get good and proper perspective on blogs such as this.
DeleteThat being said, first off..you need to give him points for letting you know what the situation is and where you stand in the present scheme of things
Were his motives honourable from onset? That's something only you can genuinely say. Don't forget, 'deep calls to deep'.
Is he wrong for being worried or indecisive or all the other tins that has been implied here?? NO, he isn't. In Africa generally, individuals do not necessarily marry, Families do. That's the reason why sometimes you see parents insisting on certain kind of relationships..and it isn't always from a selfish motive.
On this situation, there's already an issue on ground. He can be a 'man' and swoop you off into marital life but then, what sort of life will YOU have?? Will you be able to live knowing his parents disapprove and resent you?? Or live under their constant scrutiny??
Would you have been more comfortable if he hadn't told you but continued with you till whatever eventual outcome, whether favourable or unfavourable?
My best advice to you will be to supportive of him for now as he goes 'to war' on your behalf because he needs... However, protect your heart and be willing to accept whatever comes of it.
Mmmm!
ReplyDeleteSeems Mr C wasn't very honest with u from d beginning...(he didn't declare love, u did first).
He knew a girl was available for him in Nigeria n he didn't tell u from d onset..
Anyway, may d best girl win, if he ain't willing to fight for u, let him be, don't fight for what doesn't want to be fought for.
All I know is, one of u is d side chic.
I doubt he is Nigerian though. He was not being truthful to her. He had the other girl all along.
DeleteExactly. Mr c knew he has someone back home that's why he didn't make the move, just let him be. In fact comot your mind for him matter cos he won't go against his family. All the best
DeleteCorrect! That's exactly why he didn't make the move. The man is lonely abroad and needs a friend. Some people are too polite to turn down such advances. His parents forcing him is too far fetched. If it's exactly the way he says then he is not man enough for you. Which is worse. Stay away from that man-child and stop building castles in the air.
DeleteYou're correct he is a Nigerian, na their format be that.
DeleteHe should've told u from d onset that he has a girl at home, instead of waiting till u declared love for him...u too love this guy, take it easy abeg.
ReplyDeleteA lot of guys like doing that. Let the girl fall in-love with them first, then inform them about another woman. Just so the girl is so in love she doesn't mind being a side-chick.
DeleteBecause if they tell the girl from the on-set, she will just cut off contact. Afterall no feelings are involved.
A lot want to eat their cake and have it.
Poster I don't just know this your story is somehow. He may be lieing. He is actually engaged to that girl and wants to keep you in yankee as a side-chick.
So they still choose wife for a man in his 30s??? are the parents paying his bills.
You are too old in your 30s to get yourself entangled in a love triangle. Any man you shld meet now is a man that wants to settle in a year.
If you are in your 20s, I can even say give it sometime, lets see how it plays out.
If you wish you may keep him on as plan B. But just have it in mind that you havnt found your husband.
Don't be surprised one day he will just tell you he is going back home to see his parents, he will come home, do traditional marriage without you knowing them come back into your loving arms. By that time he will be processing visa for his pregnant 'wife'.
Iv seen these things happen well abroad. You said you've done your findings though, I may be wrong. But have this possibility in mind.
What about him not declaring because he is torn?me I think he was slow about things cos he fell in love with the poster while the other hanty is on the other end!!
DeleteBed and Roses hmmmm.....
DeleteMy sis is suffering in her marriage because she chose marrying who my parents wanted!
ReplyDeletePoster, go do the math.
Not only your Sister. There are so many Men abd Women going through the same thing. Parents need to back off in this age.
DeleteI came late into this post and I am a Christian with the same admirable faith like you do. YES, I, WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT. My fiance's family and my family said "NO". They did not find a "new bride" for him but I knew it was a matter of time. But my fiance is a very passionate and knowledgeable person when it comes to the Lord Jesus and his kingdom. He taught me from the scriptures that "a man finds his wife and obtains a good favor from the Lord. . ." He told me that he found me and was ready to pay the cost -everyone abandoning him/us. He asked if I was ready to do same and I said "yes". He told me that every faith has a testing time like Jesus taught in the parable of the sower about the seed that fell on the rocks and sprang up quickly but "when the time of testing came . . ." Yes, it had no root and withered. We were in school then and were receiving no financial support from our families. I will not go into the "survival strategies" but we did not sin. We were in courtship for 4 years but without stain; no fornication by the Grace of God. We bore no grudge towards anyone. We began to fast and pray; all kinds of fasting -6-6pm, fruit fasts, for days, weeks, months, years, etc. etc. We were not going home during the vacations; no home to go to. I could visit my auntie who happened to be a christian too like us and get food stuff and prepare the meals we both ate in those days.
DeleteWell the long and short of it, after our graduation. I got a job first and things became better financially for us. Our family was beginning to fret instead of us being the fretting ones. Of course they could not lay claims to our graduation success and subsequent jobs etc. Finally, on the leading of the Holy Spirit, my finace went to see my parents and my uncles etc. and called a spade by its name; he has come to ask for my hand in marriage. I was proud of him; so bold. And guess what . . . we won! My aunt and a few of my uncles had had a change of mind and asked my parents what the issues were but they had nothing against him. Yes we won and we've been winning for more than nine years now!
Am I your sister. I married to please my mother and family and u am suffering. He should just divorce me let me go in peacebut he has refused. I prefer to be divorced that married to him
DeleteForget story, that is a married man
ReplyDeleteYou may be right o. He is a liar. He should have told you about this other girl before calling you morning and night. He is blackmailing you into becoming a willing side chic.
DeletePoster your write up is so long I couldn't finish reading. Have pity on some of us who are working and browsing at same time na. learn to summarise, unless you don't need our advise.
ReplyDeleteFrom where I read up to, I was once in a similar situation as you and I took same decision you took by staying out of his life and limiting communication to a great extent but today I regret it and he does to but it's to late. You have to seat him down and have a heart to heart talk with him. Tell him how you feel and tell him if the feeling is mutual then he needs to stand as a man and say no to his parents. Please look out for your own interest 1st. You are not the mum of the other lady to say you don't want to hurt her while you are being hurt. Trust me I've been there and done that and is a stupid thing i did. Good luck.
Poster pls listen to this advice. Take the bull by the horn
DeleteAnd how are you sure this guy sincerely regrets it too. Because he's still sleeping with you as his side chic? The joke is on you
DeleteThank you!!!!!!!
DeleteDon't just seat by and let him make a wrong decision,let him see what that u both are right!!!
Anon 17.04 thank you. My thoughts exactly. Men always know who they want.
DeleteAnon 17.04 lol; my dear you are delusional. Everyone is not like you. Even our relationship then wasn't a sexual one so no I'm not sleeping with him. In fact we don't even live in the same country anymore.
DeleteLOL at Stella's diaper talk. miss C, please move on already, maybe the feeling was not mutual, that might just be an excuse to let go of you. so please move on.
ReplyDeleteMy dear tell him to man up,marriage is btw two people even though they say the lady marries all the family. I made a choice when it was time to get married, everyone said I should not marry a Benin Lady but I stood my ground like a man, I am not marrying a community wife so I picked my wife myself. I told them when you boil yam, you won't know which is the sweetest until you taste it. Marriage is like that, dem nor dey choose yam for person.
ReplyDeleteBless your heart. Wish there are more Men like you out that. May God continue to Bless your marriage.
DeleteYou dunno if this guy is honest with her..he doesn't wanna introduce her to his family..he makes her believe his family call d shots.
DeleteD guy no serious.
Poster, I have been through your situation. You need to let him go. In my case, his mom thought l was too educated and wouldn’t make a good wife. Her younger Sister tried so hard to change her mind but she was adamant. I heard them arguing about me with my own two ears. I couldn’t believe it. Later her Sister who liked me so much told me she didn’t know what else to do and advices me not to waste my time. The problem l had was the love we had for each other. We were everything you described in your write up but dude couldn’t stand up to his parents. All my hopes and dreams crashed. Three days after l over heard his Mom, I decided to walk away. Dude only came to see me once. He told me his parents will be very unhappy if we get married. They saw me in School back then and should have voiced their concerns then but no, they wanted an illiterate for their Son. Some parents are just strange and we can never understand their rationale. Please leave this guy alone. You are still young and will find love again. If it’s meant to be, he will find his way back to you. I wasted 11 years of my life in my case. Let him be. Okay??
ReplyDeleteI wasted 10and half years believing e go better. Move on and see him as plan B. Let other guys take the plan A position.
DeleteThat is after you've had a heart to heart talk with him though.
All these men in diapers. Mtchew. You will find someone that is so worth you.
DeleteAnd here I am still mourning the one year I gave to a deceitful person lmao. Truth is that I can never be in a relationship more than 2 years. I'll rather be single .
DeleteNnnaa mehnnn... poster you are a strong woman with standards. If your man can't or won't fight for you then is he your man? Don't let him waste your time further if he feels so obligated. My guess is he actually loves and is committed to the lady in question, hence the real difficulty in breaking up. I think you should move on, though I know this is not easy. Staying if he won't break up with his fiancée will give you only more pain and heartache.
ReplyDeleteYes, he's definitely committed to the girl back home.
DeleteLet your man fight for you and i always have this to say to ladies, don't marry someone who his family members does not like. My father loved my mum but of course, their marriage fell apart sooner than later because of family hatred and pressure at the same time.
ReplyDeleteThink well dear
Are you sure that man loves you as you said?
ReplyDeleteAre you sure he isn't married already?
Remember na you first proclaim love and not him. So be wise!
How can his parents dictate the woman that a grown up man like him is suppose to marry?
It's better and more honourable if a man loves you and fight for you .Not the other way round to avoid future insults and painful reminder of how you impose yourself on him.
ReplyDeleteIt would be better if you give him some space as in enough space to enable him think and decide what he wants. Don't love a man more than he loves you biko.
Also continue praying and let the will of God be done. May God intervene.
Sweetheart, I salute your strong will and your desire to do this the right way. God bless you. What do you do with something you have no control over? Give it to the ONE who has control over it.
ReplyDeleteThis situation is way beyond you and that means there's nothing you can do about it but what u have been doing: pray.
I understand the plight of the man. A whole lot of things is hanging on the line by him marrying the other woman, something he consented to until he met u.
If he ever wants a chance with you, he should take a bold step and talk intimately with his family about you both. If the two of you can mutually pray about this and ask God to intervene, it will be awesome.
Marriage means a whole lot to God and He cleaves you to the best man for u, if you allow Him to. To that effect if this man is the best person for you, God will turn even the coldest of hearts for your sakes.
It may not be automatic. It may even take months, or years but simply trust God to make things go the way He wants it to. You don't need to fight for this.
What is yours will come to you naturally. Don't stress yourself. If he is yours, he will come. God will destroy every hindrance, soften the hearts of his parents and others and make it work out.
But if things don't go that way and he eventually marries her, he wasn't yours. Personally as a child of God, I believe nothing happens me by accident, same with you!
So, I advise that you both prayerfully deal with this. Let him set up day to see his parents. You both should Fast and pray mutually before he goes to see them. And don't stop even after he does cos it's not going to be easy. All he needs to do is talk with them cos until he does, no one will know u even exist. That's to say, let him make a move! You never know the outcome of a thing until you try.
And yes, parental consent is important because of the God-given role your parents have in our lives. Their blessings matter. Trust God's plan for u and ur marriage. Don't force it. Pray.
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Thank you for your comments and for speaking with Godly wisdom. I have chosen to move on. It was hard but I am praying, healing and moving on. He did speak to his oldest brother, who was not in support of us being together as both families know each other and they have known the lady from childhood.
DeleteSo until he can man up and stand for me; I am standing up for myself and choosing not to be an option for him. I have no anger or bitterness towards him and wish him all the best.God bless you and thank you for your kind words.
Dear Miss C. I hope u read this. That is the right spirit. When a man wants you as in really wants u nothing will stand in his way. He will move all obstacles out of the way ti have u. Just look at the royal family. The young man is marrying a woman not deemed is equal but he loves her enough to damn it all. God will give u your own man that will make u look back and laff.
DeleteMy dear, it's all in his hands... . Keep being friends but don't force anything. If a Man doesn't want a woman, he doesn't want her, maybe he's like that with you cos you are available for him. Why didn't he tell you about the girl before Now? And if he misses you that much, why can't he make a decision?? Him saying he wishes you well and all that is a way of telling you who he has chosen...... If not, I don't understand how someone will find peace and love like you claim and still want to let it go for something that's uncertain
ReplyDeletePoster you are soooooo in love with this guy. How are you sure his family chose the said girl for him. Try and get him off your mind, I know it's not easy but you've got to try.
ReplyDeleteYour man should man up and knows what is good for him, if he truly loves you from his heart, then let him fight for your love and forget about any other babe somewhere. After all some men in the diaspora broke up with even baby mama to found love elsewhere. My dear everything is in his hands.
ReplyDeleteYour man should man up and knows what is good for him, if he truly loves you from his heart, then let him fight for your love and forget about any other babe somewhere. After all some men in the diaspora broke up with even baby mama to found love elsewhere. My dear everything is in his hands.
ReplyDeletehmmm I will be s straight shooter today. My dear sister that man does not love you or its either if hr does its not enough to marry you. C my mum once told us her girls something " if a man ever says to you my parents want to marry a girl from my place " hmmm he is only trying to get rid of you and that is a perfect excuse trust me this has been from time immemorial. From all the stuffs you wrote up there it is evident how much and deep you love him but as hurting as the Truth is he does not love you same. C a man who loves you will go all out without you talking. He will even be fighting and you will be saying let me just go instead, but in this case you are fighting. You even telling him to face his family hmm I think ur blinded by love the fact that he preaches, prays, speak in tongue, listen to Don Moen, does not mean anything dearie does not mean he is pitch perfect, or can not do wrong, that man has a woman he is serious with and can not leave her for you that is all he has told you. My prayer is for God to give you your own man that will love you and won't tell stories as for this one I can not see any road here cos he is not making the efforts and everything lies in the palm of his hand. Cheers
ReplyDeleteAh! I said it in my comment. Churchful bros aren't off the hook oh. Remain guided!
DeleteMr C does not love you enough hence, he is not willing to face his family and tell them he has found the right woman for himself. Count your loss girl and move on! Nothing worse than marrying into a family that doesnt want you and to a man who is weak at fighting for his woman. Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteHmmm... It's easy to ask you to get in there and take your space, ignoring the girl he says he doesn't love. BUT per-adventure his family doesnt like you and he cant stand up to them, you'd be frustrated. He should be able to tell you CLEARLY that as much as this is what his family thinks, this is what and what he wants and he is ready to go the extra mile.
ReplyDeleteIt's good you cut communication with him, cos if not he won't be able to make up his mind. Its better to hurt now than feel alone in a family battle, later in life. Also, if you dont cut communication and he succumbs to family pressure, na so you go become side chic -by side chic I mean emotionally trapped by a married man and not being able to move on.
So, what I will advice you to do is ask him to ensure he makes up his mind. The only thing he needs to text you is 'YES, we can move ahead and seal this' or 'NO, I can't go against my family'. All this small small 'are you Okay' text is complicating the issue and getting emotions all muddled up. See how you've turned to romance writer, cos it's draining you with no solution. Don't be derailed, seek for an answer so you can get proper closure.
P.S: Stay woke! Even church boys can be players too Oh! Leave bible and Tasha cobbs alone. Church boys? It's not today they started confusing many sisters at once. They use the excuse of not having sex to negotiate immunity when the time comes. But once pastor announces that the bros is getting married, you see plenty sisters infront of pastors office asking for a meeting to report. He has been taking them out on dates and looking into their eyes and leading them on and having them cook lunch and wash his clothes for him. Kikikiki. They share it like division of labour, while asking everyone to 'give it time' #isokay
So true about religious players. We all need to be careful.
DeleteUgegbe m Biko let me borrow space.
DeletePoster, like my Ugegbe said, church guys dey be play boys sometimes.
The guy don't need you again. When a guy start telling you stories like his parents find a wife for him ,my dear he is tired of the relationship and want out.
See, I hardly comment on this blog but I had to use my UC mini browser just to advise you. Start now to strengthen yourself cos that guy is definitely gonna marry that girl.I was exactly in your shoes in the year 2015. I had a guy that I loved madly and he loved me too, even though he never professed that love but I could feel it. Just like you, I was the first to tell him how I felt. He cared so much for me just the same way your man cares for you. He could call me for hours and we were each others best friend. But he was such a weakling and couldn't stand up against his parents when they wanted him to marry their family friends daughter. Both families are very wealthy unlike me that's not from a rich home. Even though he told them he had found love,he couldn't strongly resist their will. He was too calm and peaceable for my liking. Eventually he ended up with the lady and I cried like never before. It even got to a point that his parents threatened to disown him if he didn't marry the girl. Somehow they got hold of my phone number and were threatening my life to forget him even up till the wedding day. But I know that if he was strong enough, they wouldn't have hurt me and we would have ended up together. Till date,I've not found someone else like him and it made me very careless about getting married cos I found true love and lost it. Please my dear,zero your mind on him. And never profess love to him again so you don't feel like a cheap person when he eventually marries the girl. Its left to him to decide who he really wants and there's absolutely nothing you can do about him. Please start now to forget him. If he comes around, then its all good but if he doesn't, at least you wouldn't be left shattered when he gets married. Its well with you.
ReplyDeleteHi bvs. It’s Miss C here. I’ve chosen to move on. Reluctantly but also forgiving this man. He is not Nigerian. We are both from the same country; one of Nigeria’s neighbours. I understand why he could not declare his love from the onset. I know he cares greatly about me. I have had to stop him from coming to visit and doing stuff for me. I wish I could slap some sense into his head. The thing is I can’t be with a man who cannot fight for me. You cannot claim to miss me, want to do things for me, want to be by my side but you are scared of telling your family you love me.
ReplyDeleteSo I gave him the choice either be with me or go please your parents. Unfortunately the talk with the brother didn’t help: it turns out they don’t want to upset their long held family friendships.
To all the ladies struggling in relationships, it may be hard. Cry if you must, but dust yourself; stand up and keep living your dreams. It may be the most difficult thing to walk away from the man you love; but you deserve a man who would fight for you 100% of the time. And I know that man is right round the corner. Forgive, keep believing and trusting God, and keep doing you.
Good girl!
Deletewish you good luck... your own Prince Charming will come your way
DeleteYou are an amazing woman. Stay strong and keep your head up.
DeleteGood luck dear poster
DeleteAwww.... With such a positive outlook why won't you smile soon?
DeleteGood decision! Your prince charming whom God has designated to love you is close by. When it happens, trust me you will smile and be happy it didn't work out moreover this is Gods own way of telling you he is not the one. I have been in similar situationship. It hurts but you will be fine. I'm married now and I'm grateful it didn't work out with my ex. Any guy who is not ready to tell who ever cares to listen about you( parent or not) no matter the chemistry you both feel hmmmm in my strong opinion has a lot to hide. God is with you and this is his own way of letting you know. You don't even have peace in the relationship so please its not for you. Gods got you Miss C!
DeleteYour boyfriend should grow up and tell his family he's found someone else to marry. Period. If he cannot do this, it would be best for you to move on.
ReplyDeletePoster don't push him, he isn't a child. Have a plan B.
ReplyDeletePoster. The best thing for you both to do first of all before all these love declarations is to do proper family introduction ( that is your people meets his people and vice versa). This sets up a basic foundation for discussion.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile they don't know you exist and his family doesn't know you exist.
So what's there to fight for?
Let your man do the "needful" and stop calling or texting you with his monthly mobile subscription. You should encourage him too because he just might be the type that finds it difficult to make up his mind like me. I am a gentle man blessed to have a wife that stands by me and push me positively for good cause. I can't imagine life without her despite initial resistance from family before our marriage. Love you D
🤔🤔 I weep for my fellow youths honestly ##
Poster calling to ask what u have eaten and checking up on you,to me isnt the definition of love, that guy is probably keeping you around becos u are low maintenance (dont ask for nothing) and cos u are good company, am not trying to contaminate ur loved up mind but seems to me like this guy is using u to play ludo, probably seeing that ur lonely, its not only when u have sex with a guy that determines if you are been used. Emotional exploitation is another thing, why is he still calling you to ask if u dont feel bad yhen yhen, what i would do is to tell him to stop calling you until he grows some balls and knows what he wants. you have to be strong urself do this. u dont have any business calling his family member the person u have a business with is ur proposed man. Good luck
ReplyDelete16:08 you have said it all.... me thinks the guy is married.
ReplyDeletethat man is just manipulative. he should have told you he had someone back home rather he showed you all his charm and made you fall for him before telling you. move on with your life when you find a man who truly loves you you will know.
ReplyDeleteIf he truly loves you, he should call or even travel and discuss with his parents and if he refuses, my dear walk away. Though it will pain you, but you will be fine. Do not force him or put words in his mouth. All the best.
ReplyDeleteMy dear you have read too many romantic novels.
ReplyDeleteIf you were street smart, you will see clearly that the man doesn't love you.
You be small pikin forget your age. Wise up.
A man who wants you will declare interest immediately. It's a man way of warding off competition. E don turn everything upside down say 'e like confident women, what happened to his own confidence.'
A man who loves you will fight for you.
A grown man in his 30s can NEVER come up with the 'My parents said...
You might be old in age but still small pikin in reasoning, dude is smart, has identified your weakness and fed you with small pikin story.
I would have listed 5 easy fullproof ways to know if your partner is into you for the future or just for today, no be by calling every minute to ask wedar I don chop or karaoke.
Your loverboy no call pass Judas na, Jesus still die. But you women in love, una no dey hear word. Common sense is always far from you. I don't know why. Na for man matter my brain dey code pass anything. My own street smarts include drainage, bustops, garden etc.
Hand don dey pain me, I don tire.
Cinderella, wake up!
Lol I had to laugh at this comment. Thank you for your advise. I may not be street smart but I have enough sense to know when to move on.
DeleteAnd in a way you are right. When a man loves you, he is willing to go to war for you! This guy isn't. I cut ties with Him. So I'm keeping it moving until I meet my mr Right.
God bless you. Thank you to everyone who has advised, admonished and told me to shine my eyes. I am a strong woman though and it is well.
You are wicked 😂
DeleteOmosexy, I am not wicked. Sometimes people need tough talking to inorder to get quick brain reset. I've learnt my own lessons too na. Street sense na lesson by lesson.
Delete@ Miss Cinderella shine ya eye, weder ya man is from Zimbabwe or one small bush in Cotonou, some basic things remain the same. 1: A man who is ready will use his mouth to say what he wants, yes the same mouth he use to sing karaoke, he will open wiiiiide like like hyena and say what he wants. Not giving you sign language so that you will first commit. See yeye sense. Any man who doesn't is looking for a loophole later to escape.
2: Men fight for what they want.it is a universal law. Ordinary tombo tombo football dey fight, then is it the woman they CLAIM they want to spend the rest of their life with they won't fight for?
Cinderella, use that your confidence and decide what you should and should not accept in your next relationship.
I wish you well.
👏👏👏👏👏👏 i love u m ur comment..
DeleteThis is my opinion, so of course it could be wrong; but I'll share nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteYour man is still acting this way because he is still indecisive. He is considering you and also considering the other lady.
You mentioned that you're not Nigerian. Is he Nigerian? If he is, perhaps he is torn between marrying a woman with whom he shares a beautiful life and one who is Nigerian and therefore "familiar".
If the first proposition is wrong, then let's consider this; Your man might not love you. YES!!!!!!!! That's a possibility you've REFUSED to consider, perhaps because you don't want to see that or because you're blinded by your own emotions. He might really like you a lot, or he might just be used to being with you, but he might not love you.
I call "certain people" a lot, check up on them in the morning, text at noon and call at night, hang out when I can. Onlookers have sworn I am in love with them, I know I am not, I am just used to them, that's why I call and always check up on them.
If this guy loved you, he would move a mountain for you, he would communicate to his parents gently that he has someone already. A man who has had exposure of both education and environment, telling you this trash? He's definitely not being totally honest. Perhaps the girl was a lady he dated when he was in the country, he might have "brought" her home and the young girl had assumed wifely duties, hence his parents insistence that he marries her.
Assuming without conceding that this guy genuinely loved you, why wouldn't he want you to meet his brother who lives close to you,to at least start breaking down the wall of Ice by meeting one family member at a time? Why doesn't he even want to introduce you to his brother as a friend; ordinary friend!!!!!!
I'm sorry, but your guy is up to no good. This guy likes you, is into you, but doesn't want you for a wife, if he did, he wouldn't tell you this rubbish.
Keep things with him neutral and platonic and be open to another relationship.
He never told you he wanted you, never told you he wants to wife you,you're the only person catching marriage feelings seeing future and hearing unspoken words. Lol, Nne please move on
Poster it's like u read mills and booms novels, hints and better lovers very well. How old are u? Because this ur type of love is only seen in Indian films
ReplyDeleteDear sorry to tell u this, u r in love with urself. This guy does not love u the way u love him. He is just toying with ur emotions because he has seen how vulnerable you are with this ur sob love story that is why he is feeding u with bullshits about his family getting another girl for him. He does not love u but that girl.
No FREE Enlightened Man compromises his happiness. You're obviously not his happiness, you're his pleasant company, NOT his HAPPINESS. If you were his happiness, you wouldn't have had to send in this Chronicle, because he would have done the needful, or he would be working towards sorting this out.
ReplyDeletemissC, i think you have formed castles in the cloud about ur mr C cos from d way i see it, you are leaving a telemundo life. Yes its true that dis guy should fight for u n all but the issue is, if he really loved u like he said n not d said girl his parents prefers, then he should have talked it out with them the moment he realized you wea d one. It is also possible dat u he so into dis guy dan he is to u. my advice to u is to take a step back a bit and watch as tins unfold while gathring more info about d situation at home
ReplyDelete@ poster, you are the desperate one here,the young man is not into you....
ReplyDeleteStop forcing yourself on him,allow him to follow his heart.
I'm not sure I understand why you broke up with him. How long ago did he first tell you about the girl? He was pretty much committed to her before he met you so it makes sense he needs to deal gently with breaking off that commitment. He has told his brother. Give him time to tell his parents and also tell the girl. The way I see it he didn't plan to find another girl. You guys met and he slowly fell in love. If he told you about the girl a long time ago and still hasn't resolved things with her then run. But if he's ust started trying to end that relationship, maybe give him another month to do so
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading this I couldn't help thinking that this guy seems so perfect, too perfect really. Like others have said I think he is already married.
ReplyDeletePoster.....believe me, if he's not making any effort at telling his parents about you, then please forget Mr C.....
ReplyDeleteLove will find you dear...
E-hugs for you @poster..u sound so innocent and really full of wisdom..I'm optimistic that pretty soon u will get struck by the love cupid,the real unconditional love and by then remember that true love isn't what's is said, its not words of mouth,its what is done, proven ,its in his actions..u see,I know that its very easy to fall in love with a man when he says the right thing and make u feel like Ure everything to him,but to some guys out there its very effortless to them..so my dear just focus on his action and how far he's willing to go to prove all he's saying. .
ReplyDeleteFew months ago,I was feeling this way cos the guy was all u described up there and even more,he promised I'm gonna be the last and he's definitely wifing me asap,but guess what..he walked out on me over some very minute thing I did, he once did it but I pleaded but u see when he did it the second time,I walked away cos I believe love shouldn't be that complicated and its better for one to walk away in a relationship than regret much later..shalom honey
My husband, only son in his family, stood up and fought for what he wanted. His family did not want him to marry me bc I'm not Nigerian and I'm one year older than him (somehow they think I can't respect him due to age gap). We had a very tough engagement period. Multiple family members tried to get him to leave me. His parents and sisters stopped speaking to him for more than a year, unless they were calling to insult him. They were a VERY CLOSE family so it was hard on my guy not to have their support. Through it all, he never waivered.I honestly didn't think he had it in him bc he had been the "perfect" obedient son up until he proposed to me.
ReplyDeleteI always say that he fought for himself, not for me, bc he knew what he wanted and he wasn't going to let mummy and daddy choose his spouse. I'm proud of him and we're happy. Things are still awkward between the in laws and I. Tbh I don't like them but hubby and I won, so I'll get over it.
All this to say, if a man loves you he will fight for what he wants no matter the consequences.
Poster , I hate to burst your bubble but the last time I heard this my family wants me to marry someone else story it didn’t end well. The bastard was just lying . Yours Ma be different of course but I doubt it . If he loves you really then he would do something
ReplyDeleteHoney you are in your 30s and you have not realized that this is the regular scope men give? Which man your age or older does not know how to stand up for himself? You want to marry a man who is so spineless?
ReplyDeleteLet me spell it out to you. You are abroad, he is abroad. His woman is in Nigeria, he needs company and he is not disciplined. You are cool, fun and new. Men are not driven by emotion so please do not be fooled.
There was a connection, and that is ok...it happens. Now please pick up yourself and leave this man to his life. Cut contact, you are not his friend, he is not your man. These men pray like no tomorrow and still act shady so please do not be fooled. You seem really cool, truly wait on the man who will find you and cherish you. If it was real, this man would not give you space i.e. risk another man coming in. All that check on you business is nothing new to men, its like a sport. Wise up and do what you know you ought to do. You will only fall into the annoying cycle of caught up, praying endlessly (and God will just be side eying you). Be bold and trust God for YOUR own. What you feel is not peace, plus you are acting too desperate poster. How do you feel peace with a man who kept the truth from you and then is not able to stand up for you?
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
ReplyDeleteE go hard for a nigerian girl to talk about a man like this lady without adding
ReplyDeletehe have a car,,have house and have a good job and from a good home,,,my dear
e go hard ,,
my advice,,
be patients and allow him take his decisions,,dont rush him or trying to
avoid him ,dont avoide him,he may think that all you wanted is marriage,,
be a good friend to him and never pretend to him,,show him your true life
and real character and ask him to be real to you aswell,,then the nature will
decide on you guys,,remember you dont know him and he dont know you either,,
all you guys are having is feellings and wants,,no real deal yet,,so petients,
i was in that shoe,,and living in western,i told my parents that i will never
marry her and i called the lady and told her she was insulting me and cursing
too,imagin a girl i never paid her bride price insulting me and cursing?
she dont even know that i can hold her down in nigeria and stil marry him and
living my life?but i choose telling her the truth,,she dont even know the
kinds of life and work i doing here...she has never seen me for years and yet
agree to wait on me,,i called all our noble family members to talk to my
parents and the girl too,,and the praise me for the way i did,,so tomorrow
she no go say i hold her down,,,,case close
From my personal experience that guy don’t want to marry you. Forget his parents said this and that. My advice is that you should cut all communication with him because you won’t move forward. Let yourself heal and you will find someone better than him. Do your thing girl, have fun with friends, go shopping, channel your energy and love to positive things. Remember you don’t do permanent things with temporary people. Your man will locate you soon. Just be patient. Let that nigga go.
ReplyDeleteMiss C you're a very strong and realistic woman. U told urself d truth thus d decision. My husband was in a similar situation with one of his ex before we met.They were so in love just as u described but His parents didn't want him to marry her bcz she's another tribe, but in his own case he didn't keep quiet entirely he fought and even had serious issues with his parents but u know what he actually ended up not marrying her. One would say he didn't marry her to please his parents right? He got into another rshp with a lady from d same village with him introduced to him by a family and everyone was happy, lady was loved by all and of cus assumed the role of a wife in his life. But my dear my guy still didn't marry her o after all d approval from parents and relatives. And what looked like an abomination before his parents actually happened, we met, had a smooth rshp in spite of being from different tribes, told his parents to back off cz he has made his choice and they didn't have a choice but to give up and start loving me and today we're married. What am I trying to say;men always know what they want and go for it against all odds. So dearie good u have told urself d truth to move on but I still have problems with the fact that u still communicate with him. U know why? Because you're still giving him ur sweet company to enjoy and in turn he is occupying u thereby delaying ur healing from d situation. It's not easy but I know you're strong enough to starve him of ur company, that will even help him to deal better with the reality in front of him and help u to be open to another rshp with ease.
ReplyDeleteWish u well
Poster that guy is a churchious smooth operator, believe me is married he is Looking a way to tell you,
ReplyDeletePls he should stop calling you cos it still mess up your emotions with his dubious call.
Poster your story is interesting and touching. I love your Godly standards and values girl. We are of like minds. I also know your type. You love hard and put your all into a relationship and expect the same from the other. I agree with what most bvs have said here. You'll be shocked at what you'll find when you do your own investigations aka digging. People aren't always who they say they are. Since you're spiritual and prayerful, ask the Holy Spirit to lead you and give you revelation concerning this situation. Above all, pray that whatever happens, you'll remain in God's will cos that's the best place to be. Write back and let us know what happened eventually. Cheers
ReplyDelete