Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative

Hmmm......

STAND ALONE NARRATIVE

SO LONG A SAD SAD READ


Good day Stella,
I would like this to be a chronicle. Your blog has been a source of inspiration for a despondent me. I have gained a lot reading through human contents from here.
I recently buried my father just be Christmas. Ever since his death, my mother whose health is no better has worsen. She's been sick even before my Dad died. I have two other siblings, all girls, I inclusive. One is in 300L, the other is just resuming (Jambito). I sacrificed going to regular school when the scales fell. For all of them.

 My father's little gratuity had entirely gone into managing my parents health. At a point we lived at the benevolence of my Dads one true friend. Who gave us shelter in one of hid bq until his death (accident with the wife). That was four years ago, ever since then I have been shouldering almost everything. With some help coming from my immediate younger sister who is 20yrs. I am 23yrs, while the youngest is 17yrs.

Circumstance reshaped me and I grew up too fast, I am believe. I had contemplated all sorts, until something good started happening. And I put my hands on several meaningful things just to uplift this my lovely and wonderful family. But since the death and burial of our father, it seems I needed to switch off and switch on back. For the first time in 3yrs, I'm feeling the weight of being the breadwinner. Everything seems unappealing to me. 

I have become defensive, elusive and unapproachable to my siblings and mother. I think I have become suddenly rude and insulting in the last one month, more than I had been in my entire life. And I don't like who I am becoming. I'm back to sobbing before sleeping. And I don't know how to snap out of it back to my usual self.

Secondly, I have just paid my sisters tuition. My immediate sister says she can take care of her other expenses in school. She good at making hair and makeup. She manages my hair saloon whenever she's around. But I don't want her swaying away from the good girl she is because of circumstantial demands. And become a victim, she's not as strong as I am.

 So I don't support her "taking care" of herself 100%. I have two options in my head: letting her go to school from home, that way she'll continue working for mr and earn more. Or give her one of my drier (regular & the handy one), with some other essentials. I don't know which to decide. I have already skeletally planned my first quarter of this year before my Dads death. Like, I want to start a small fashion house this January. With my youngest sister in mind. She learnt tailoring after her SSCE in 2016. With her school admission now, I also wish she could go from home, while managing the sewing shop. 

Which is equipped minimally for start up at least. I sew and make hair too. I am only trying to see how both could help me out, without too much infringement on their studies. Is it possible? How do I go about it? I still do other regular buying and selling stuff. I'm in NOUN (Open University) doing a degree programme, should I pause my life again? Everything seems out of place for me at present. I have been questioning my ability to organize my life these days. We need the money now more than ever. I don't wish to stunt my youngest education like mine did. If I sit them down and talk, will they see reasons with me and not think I'm being selfish? I'm so confused. I sometimes feel like running away. But to where? What becomes of my siblings and mother? It is telling on my appearance.

Thirdly, my fathers people have best putting on me to get married. They have never been there for us. And didn't contribute almost nothing to my Dads burial. But for the little donations from fair-weather friends, well wishers and the much I could cough out. We might not have buried my father. They were just asking for money for this, money for that. Yet I must admit, they did help in some other ways. Getting married is not the issue. Nor priority, surviving is all that counts for me now. They are of the opinion that getting married will ease our burden. Need we be an added burden to that man?

For me the thing is that I detest having a relationship. I don't even have friends. Perhaps I'm not the friendly type I think? I've had this inner resentment for males other than my father. I sent you a mail last year regarding this issue, but you didn't give it a space. All you said was 'seriously what is this? Do what you think is right?' Well I failed and still paying the price. I still love you though (side eyes). Plus I had wanted to know how best to relate with someone whose parents we used to live off before their death. But upon their death, this person coerced, manipulated, assaulted, molest and abused an innocent me for months. Denied me an admission, whose tuition had already been kept for onward payment.

 Threw us out into the street, when I couldn't continue paying rent with my body at 19. When once, twice and trice wasn't enough. But you didn't get to post it that last year. To be honest, him throwing us out four years ago was the blessing that positioned to be this breadwinner I am today. Because it changed our story some bit. And emboldened me, then God stepped in.

Sorry for deviating, they are interwoven. Presently, I am more confused about everything and I think I still wish to runaway.
Bear with me.

*Goes back to read Chronicle again...