Banker Tales....

I am taken aback today, I was still my excited and bubbly self who just go employment as a Teller. I understood my role and was ready to dish it out with good behavior and a never fading smile. 

I have spent enough time to know that the morning meetings with supervisors is uncalled for most times; we hear practically the same things we heard yesterday, the day before, the day before the day before, all other days before to the day I resumed. Nothing new. Except when we occasionally hear sad stories of what Tellers in other locations were doing, we hardly heard good tales.


Todays’ early morning session would be different, the Branch Manager wants to hold a meeting with all of us, every single person apart from cleaners. I have never met the guy so I had no idea what to expect. I was busy cleaning my cubicle when my colleague gave me the news; everyone was upstairs already.


Ko ko ko ko I cat walked in to the meeting, wearing a really tight black skirt and white shirt (I am a shirt person, never fancied suits, not that I could afford them tho), I was well dressed for the occasion. I knew I would be noticed if I moved to the empty chair in front so I pleaded with my colleague to share hers.


Before I could get comfortable discomforting my colleague, BM had noticed me; perhaps it was the sound of my shoes. ‘Yes, yes, yes, who are you?’ he asked in a tone that told me he was wondering what I was doing in his meeting. I quickly straightened up and answered; ‘I am TuTu a Teller, I am new sir’. His next question baffled me, ‘how much deposit have you brought in?’


In my mind, im like deposit ke, oga, maybe you did not hear me well so I repeated with emphasis ‘I am a Teller Sir’. He looked round the small crowd perplexed, he asked me if I knew this was a bank, I nodded in affirmation, he said speak up, I said ‘yes sir’. He asked if I was aware the bank was a profit making organization, I knew better than to nod, so I said yes again.


He told me to explain how the bank makes profit, hmm, see my life outside o, this man cannot disgrace me here na, I explained my bit mentioning deposits. Little did I know my oversabi was landing me in trouble, he told everyone to clap for an intelligent chap like me, they clapped like I just won an award.


He asked me about my family, if I was related to so so and so since we share the same surname, I said no (if I know am, I no go dey here na, I am not that humble). Then he asked who I know that can give us money, I said no body. He practically fired a bullet at me with his eyes. All the while he was questioning me, I was smiling and standing behind other people, I guess he couldn’t get a head to toe view of me, so he asked me to step out, ‘come to the middle here where all eyes can see you’. I had worked barely less than a month so I had no idea where this was going.


Ko ko ko ko ko again with a lot of confidence from the applause, I got to the middle with the guys shouting oohhs and aahhss. He asked his favorite person to stand up and access me, that one got up, walked up to me and asked for my hand like he was asking me for a dance; I naively stretched out my hand, he held it up and asked me to turn around. I did with another round of oohhs and aahhs. The BM asked him to explain my job function to me. 

He told me that banking was more than Tellering, if there was no deposit, there would be nothing for us to teller. This was the 5th day of December and we have a target as a branch, all hands must be on deck to make sure we met our target and that includes every dick tom and harry.


He would go on to explain that the fact that I stay inside the bank from 7am till God knows when doesn’t exempt me from the whole target thing. I opened my mouth to explain I resumed barely a month ago and have not even gotten my first salary but was hushed. I wanted to ask what my share in the profits would be knowing that I work technically for another company, I was hushed.


Nothing I wanted to say was worth hearing. I mean, they were probably doing their jobs. However, I wondered; if the people in the ‘bringing deposit’ department cannot meet their targets, is it I who would fill in the gaps. I thought I was only paid to do tellering but since I knew better a few seconds ago, I was willing to learn this additional function. After all, my employment letter detailed my key job functions and added the clause; “and any other functions assigned to you by your supervisors” that technically tells me I am a slave and should do whatever I am told to do. I read that and still signed the document accepting the pay and conditions.


I opened my ears to hear and opened my eyes to learn from his demonstrations. My Tutor started with telling me how really beautiful I was, admired my good shape explaining that if put to good use, it would bring money in. He explained how I could attend to customers and if I rendered ‘good service’, I’d ask them to bring their money in and they would.

He explained the concept of cross selling and upselling (a skill I later mastered) the banks products. He never out rightly said I had to have sex to bring in money, but maybe in my perverted mind, I misunderstood his phrases to mean so. He did mention flirting (only if that’s what it takes), understanding a customer’s needs, knowing the customer completely, playing on his intelligence to get the desired deposit. I never forget his concluding statement; ‘who would see a girl like you and not want to please her?’ ‘If you play your cards right as a beautiful girl, only you can help us meet the target’, ‘you can even get TYS for yourself’. What motivational speech!

I hear these things but I never thought it would ever be said to me given the fact that I am an operations staff, and a contract staff at that. My stake in the bank was worthless, in fact I had no stake in this thing so why would I even push myself like that?

They made me promise to bring in a Ten million naira deposit within two weeks and I really went to my cubicle motivated to surprise everyone (yimu). I did get a huge deposit but after about 8months, lol. I convinced a third party to open an account with us and he brought in more than that amount. I did not get any bonus though I did not have to sleep or flirt with him, If I wan sell my body, no be for another man business......