Emergency Room Series:- Battery Charged Wahala

The emergency room is really a place where you see a lot of bizarre things and a place you get to realise how gullible people can be sometimes.

A man in his early thirties came in to the ER. He came with a guy that claimed the patient was his uncle and requested to see a doctor urgently.

 He was walking funny and he looked like he was in so much pain. When asked by the receptionist why he wanted to see the doctor, he said it was for personal reasons. 

Personal reasons? In the ER?

 When we were in code black already? He was told to go to the outpatient unit since it wasn't an emergency.
He suddenly felt dizzy and was about falling so he was brought in and told to lay on a couch. 

When asked what was wrong he said he wanted only the doctor to be around him. The ER is no place for secrecy, he was told. He then admitted that he has a dildo stuck in his anus. When asked how long it had been there, he said about 3 days(the younger guy was there). Apparently 'uncle' is gay and was 'experimenting'. 

The doctor simply said 'OK' and walked away. He was thinking we would start to judge him or look at him like a demon or the devil himself but he was surprised when everyone had this straight and expressionless face. We aren't trained to judge patients s3xuality.

He had no other symptoms like vomiting or headache or fever. His vitals were okay. Only that his abdomen was distended and hurting which is very understandable because of the foreign object and feces that couldn't come out. Few minutes later he was prepared to go to the theatre to have it examined and removed. He was walking with his legs wide spread like a baby with a very soaked diaper (funny sight, lol). 

As soon as he got to the theatre, a lady came in and introduced herself as his wife and was demanding to know what's going on(Lord knows how she found out he was in the hospital as the husband didn't tell her). Since they couldn't verify yet, she was simply told to have a seat and that he was being attended to. 

In the theatre, we place him in 'open-knee-chest' position (its like kneeling with your chest down and buttocks up). We started to hear faint buzzing sounds. We asked if its a dildo that runs on battery and vibrates, he said yes. With the use of artery forceps, the doctors pulled out a 6 inch penis-looking dildo from 'uncle' anus. He felt so relieved, Can you imagine what followed after the dildo? 

Yeah you're right, plenty of it. He had no complications.


He was cleaned and wheeled to the recovery room to be observed for a while.

 He was feeling so ashamed. He was told never to let it go that far inside again as it could be dangerous especially since it runs on battery. He met his wife. She asked the doctor what happened, the patient quickly said he was having pile. 

The doctor simply smiled and nodded. He understood. She bought the lie. They paid for the bills, drugs and went home...with the younger guy.