STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
WHEN A MARRIAGE BREAKS DOWN COMPLETELY
Hi Stella
Please post and hide my details
I have contemplated sending this for months but honestly dont want my story shared on other platforms....i de fear the copy and paste crew....i de also fear decoders because this is a sensitive issue about my life. I will DELIBERATELY be vague about certain things.
Please forgive my typos as i am using my phone
I have been married for over a decade ...got married as a teenager to hubby, hes older by a decade. He was earning 50k a month at the time whilst i was studying in the university. Shortly after marriage he left for the abroad on a scholarship and i joined him almost immediately.
3 years after marriage it was clear hubby wasnt interested in helping further my academics and in my family, i was deemed the most "academically sound" so you can imagine my frustrations; my family also were shocked but said nothing. Meanwhile hubby was training his siblings in uni, both the married and unmarried ones.
We had one child at this point. I was determined to get my degree so i started working crazy hours whilst paying for childcare as Oga wasnt interested...he did alot to frustrate me but i just locked up.
When i started writing my project he piped down cos at that point he had started noticing how withdrawn i was from him and the things i had started to almost achieve without him. He helped me research some of my thesis but still didnt support me financially.
My family had to sell one of lands to pay part of my tuition as i was an international student.
I graduated though still owe my sch hence they held my certificate but i have my transcript and award letter.
Shortly after my degree hubby completed his own programme with recommendation (hes very brilliant academically)
Stella hubby wasnt working during his programme as the scholarship covered all expenses and he wanted to focus on his programme...shortly after his programme, recession hit which affected banks/housing etc and as a result he was unable to secure ANY employment till date.
Stella both cleaner, security, graduate jobs he hasnt been able to. I shoulder the entire household expenses 100%. Some interviewers will say you are overqualified, you dont have work experience in this field, u havent worked in years, you were the 2nd best, we struggled to hear your accent, like say oyinbo no get their own accent
Stella we have prayed, fasted, sowed seeds, done praise, MFM prayers, shiloh etc yet nothing is happening for him.
I have personally held midnight prayers, fasting etc
I got very frustrated with him cos i had emotionally checked out when he neglected me whilst things were going well for him and for several years we did not have s3x.
All of that period, we would do things as a family, sit next to each other in church, i ll do the laundry for everybody, cooking, shopping etc and if we didnt mention the challenge we were facing you wont have a clue. I am also one of those peeps that only ever post happy pics and quotes on my SM handles so everyone sees me and believes all is well and i dont share my challenges either
A few of our close friends who visited from 9ja are aware of hubbys issue.
At a point i wanted out of the marriage bcos i just feel like i am sufferig and slaving for an undeserving man. My inlaws too chook mouth that i should endure and pray for my hubbys breakthrough as if i am happy trekking 1.5miles in the snow in a -3°temperature at 4.30am to catch the 1st bus in town in order to resume my early morning shift?
Abi is it the one that i went to cool off with my relative in another town for a few days and hubby accused me of going to meet a mam? This is a man that married me a virgin ohh?
The same inlaws that some of them refused talking to me till date that i am working and not sending them anything....forgetting that hubby gave these same people blank checks to his savings whilst he was still studying and they raided the account to red....me i just face my front and lockup.
Hubby sometimes feels threatened and doesnt trust me because without blowing my trumpet, i can be described as beautiful, quiet and a girl who has drive and has her "shit together"....like every disappointment is a reason for me to ensure i am not in the same position i was where i had to rejected.
All this his behaviour has gotten me to the point that i dont consider his feelings emotionally anymore. Like its not a priority i consider the family as a whole and my wellbeing next + the fact that i blame him 100% for the mess we are in
Few years ago, i was very low and depressed and wanted to end it all. I remember thinking of just jumping over a bridge on my way to wotk but the thought that my children will suffer with a jobless father stopped me.
Some of my relatives want me to leave but not remarry, some others want me to stay bcos according to them, i have stayed this long so kukuma stay and endure. They said since i dont want anymore children theres no need walking away.
Stella i am in my early 30's and i dont want my children growing up to think its ok for mummy to be the breadwinner
This isnt what i signed up for. We have our permanent residence today thanks to my office that kept renewing my papers not bcos its a highly skilled work but bcos i was very dedicated + i am the only black there and they had to have a % of staff who are minorities by law.
I am sending this chronicle bcos of the lady who sent hers about her hubby who abandoned her in 9ja for 7yrs and hasnt responded to her calls for the last 2 yrs.
What would i say of my case? We are both here yet i have been working over a decade with nothing to show for it bcos i earn just enough to pay the bills and no savings.
Hubby cant go back to 9ja bcos his job kept paying him even after he resigned and he wasnt aware of this but the inlaws with blank checks kepf withdrawing from his account and as a result when the employers realised their error and notified him, his people had spent the money and cannot refund it back. Me i cannot chook mouth inside the matter as no be me spend am.
Stella what do i do? Hubby is a wonderful father to the kids. My dad is late but i was a daddys girl to the core and i guess thats one of the reasons i still have a soft spot for hubby. Hes the best father i could wish for my kids and Thats something i can never take away from him and the kids adore him but i cant go on like this.
I just feel like i am wasting away. A friend said i should get a rich side piece but how do i start sleeping with another man and for how much and how long? Mtsheew
I married for love and prospects and see where it has landed me. Stella hubby is principled man who somehow seems to have lost his drive and hustle. He gets my sense of humour and through this whole ordeal we have remained best friends like we can literally jist about anything.
Hubby too has his regrets and our issues has set our families on a cold war bcos of some things my inlaws demanded off me by going to rant to my family about .
Stella pls pardon my ranting disjointed chronicle i am just drained, emotionally and mentally exhausted and need some encouragement or advise.
*You are not in a good place but it is not so bad......I can only imagine living with a broke ass husband and how you feel but if its not so bad,if he respects and does not abuse you and the living arrangement is good and healthy for the kids,why dont you turn the other cheek,just this once?
Why are you in laws and family so involved in your Marriage?Can you not get your hubby to put his family in place?I dont even know what to advice sef...
Lets see what the others have to say....
No money no love.
ReplyDeleteThis is not money matter but a DECADE of taking care of a mans responsibility...if God did not make a woman the head of the home why then should a man allow his wife carry the house responsibility for 10 years haba😨😨😨
DeleteLEP😛
I don’t see a woman been a breadwinner as a big deal. We are quick to fight equal right between a woman and a man.
DeleteThe point is he was not there for her when she needed him and that has affected her psychologically. My husband did that to me too. He attended to what made him happy, but neglected me and refused that I go further with my studies. It's through the help of friends that the scales have fallen off. I love my husband, so I forgive him quite easily, but I can never forget that he wasn't there for me. My advice is that you should see him as a relative that needs help anyway. Encourage him to go into business, but before you give help in that area, talk to him and tell him how he hurt you. Explain gently that your trust for him is almost non-existence because of his past actions. In other words, you will receive your therapy by being frank with him. I have so much to say, but I will stop here for now.
DeleteStella just imagine your reply to this woman. Do not ever claim you are a feminist again o.
DeleteForemost, cut off from that thing you call friend that advised you "to sleep with rich men", she is no friend but a messenger of the enemy of your soul called Satan. She is doing same and your association with her will brand you badly.
ReplyDeleteThen, focus on your kids with everything you've got and do not repay their "good father" evil with evil. He treated you badly, so you said but that's in the past. If you forgive this man completely in your heart, you will experience the peace you so deserve and the open doors you so crave for him. Holding him in unforgiveness is holding yourself too.
For now, you are not under any financial obligation to your inlaws . . . and you should let your husband know that at the right time.
Things can only get better. But lady, you need to prune your "friends".
You both need to sit and talk, really talk tell him how you feel, you have kept a lot in and it has added to the problems you are facing. I know you gist and all but that's not saying anything. Let him know your heart so if you eventually decide to leave he will know you tried. He also needs to address his family and acknowledge the fact that they contributed to his ruin, Cus he seems to be living in denial
DeleteOh dear, you are such a nice lady and I can still see the love in you.
ReplyDeleteI understand where you driving from. Had it been he shouldered your responsibilities as his wife when he had the opportunity, I am sure this chronicle won't merge. Now his family that he laboured for doesn't care about him. But I can tell you dear, for sure, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. You have endured, just forgive him, I am sure he will be regretting his act. Just give him another opportunity. Can I tell you one thing, bring back the Love. He might be facing those challenges because he annoyed you and your mind doesn't speak well of him. Can you find a place in your heart to forgive? Please lay your hand upon him and bless him, show him love, decree and declare a word on his head and watch him prosper. Wife's are second mother to their husbands and like Bible said, he who neglects his parents cannot prosper.
My hand is paining me. I pray you understand dear. God bless you.
Stella thank u for posting my chronicle....lemme answer a few questions
DeleteThe decision to stop having sex was made by me...that was my choice.
No he isnt physically abusive however he was verbally and emotionally abusive wheb things were working for him.
He initially wasnt striving hard 2 get a job until i stopped having sex with him however when he started putting in tge effort....it was a little too late in the job market.
Hes still job hunting and despite having his papers, theres not been a breakthrough.
My family hv never called him once to talk about his financial issues. They speak to me when i havr to call home for help bcos we have fallen behind on bills.
His family on the other hand expect so much from me despite knowing their son doesn't work.
I have forgiven him bcos i dont want anything that ll delay or hinder our prayers and i know that if hes settled today, no matter what happens to me my kids will be taken care off.
My challenge is that whilst he was misbehaving for a long time, i had checked out emotionally and ever since then i have been struggling to reconnect bk emotionally with him.
But like i said, even when we have friends visiting and staying over u wont have a clue bcos theres peace in the home....i still cook, clean, do the laundry, shopping etc...he also helps out with cooking and cleaning bcos dts how things were even in the early days of our marriage.
As for the spiritual part, yes we cant rule out the possibility that some people may not want either of us to enjoy our home but shouldnt all the prayers and dry fasting and seed sowing and night vigils and alms etc we have been doing all these years yield any effort??
I am just exhausted
Whoever advised you to stop having sex is a bad fellow.
DeleteThere is no peace if you are not intimate with your husband
Unless the "peace of the graveyard"
You will complicate everything by having him pushed into temptation
of another woman who will be so glad to even give him a job and kids.
Please correct this.
Not saying "bear more kids" but sex is an intimate aspect of marriage.
Are you in the UK? If yes, please tell your husband to train on BUSINESS Analysis or KYC.They are getting a lot of jobs as per contract terms with solid pay,especially bn that he's brilliant because sometimes we focus on the wrong things but practicality and information is key to our success. If your husband starts this training for just few weeks seems he's smart, he should then apply as a business analyst starting with agencies before looking for permanent roles, the monthly pay alone can clear all debts .Secondly, once the money starts coming, get a nanny and take a hols outside the city with your hubby and see how you will fall back in love with him. You sound and I know you are a hood person with good upbringing and I am certain your love and marriage will be back. Such men are very rare to get my Dear pls don't loose him for all this, I am happy you are prayerful too
DeleteIn the midst of this trial, be sure you do not sin with your mouth. It will be over, do not get quoted badly.
ReplyDelete17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[d] says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:
ReplyDelete“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”[e]
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12
We read your side of it. He may have behaved badly but holding it against him is worse. use good to teach him the good he did not do for you.
Long sigh....The trials of this small world are innumerable.
ReplyDelete@Poster...may the universe grant your heart desires.
The problem was that you both entered marriage with "separate finances" and that is a killer of marital bliss. It has ruined many marriages. Yours can be corrected.
ReplyDelete"Did not have sex for years . .." is that still the situation? If so, then your husband is ???????????
ReplyDeleteYour hubby gave a blank check to his family because he is father Christmas right...even bill Gates doesn't give blank cheque like that.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is you have made him comfortable to accept his jobless as a way of life for the decade in which you shouldered the families responsibility.
Madam enough is enough, if you don't shake things up in the home,he might never wake up from this unending joblessness he has come to see as normal.
Give him a dead line,tell him that if within a certain period of time he doesn't get a job and start taking responsibility for the Home both financially and emotionally,you will leave.
Don't settle for a life pattern that makes you unhappy and that your kids might grow up to see as the norm,remember kids mostly take after their parents.
Can you bear the thought of your son growing up with the mentality of its ok for him to sit back and let a girl take care of him and his responsibilities or can you live with yourself if your daughter grows up thinking the only man that will stay with her is the one she has to feed to keep him around.
Take a stand and demand for a better version of him or you leave so that you can live a better version of your life.You deserve better.
Plus he can always be a good Dad from afar if he decides not to man up,So him been a good dad shouldn't mean that you have to continue to carry the family responsibilities alone .
You don't have to give up your life for a marriage. Demand for better.
LEP😛
You obviously are not married hence this your advice. So the children are better off with a Daddy from afar ....hmmm
DeleteAnonymous 16:33, a daddy who can't pay house rent, school fees or feeding sef, for a decade is useless oh. Of what use having such daddy then? what if the poster is hospitalised(God forbid) daddy will sit around the house with kids crying of hunger?
DeleteHmmmm so easy to say
DeleteHubby is humble because he realized that you're his provider
ReplyDeleteAnd I know that you know this
So the decision is yours
He'll never change cuz you've made it okay for him
Your Hubby's story isn't adding up, his employees were paying for years, his family was spending and he didn't know??? Sounds very far fetched.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I think they are jazzing him to make sure he doesn't have a happy home, let his wife not enjoy being in the abroad with him.
You have prayed, the solution is more prayers for God to reveal all frenemies in his household and set him up again with his priorities in place financially ( you and your kids).
Its sad but don't leave, at least, there's no violence or hatred just sexual frustration, pray about that as well. E go better last last
I think think your issue is that bad. Seems you have a good relationship with your husband only that hr id not a giving type to you and yours. Maybe God is using this to make him understand that he hasn't been doing it right all the while. Sit him down and talk to him. Let him know he offended you by neglecting you. I believe he will get a good job. Na im suppose wake up for night to do that desperate prayer to God. I tell you his situation will change. But it will not unless he acknowledges his wrongdoing. God is your strenght. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm
ReplyDeleteUr both families are too involve in ur marriage.. U have done everything,, have u forgive him??
I feel like u are still angry with him.. Pls try to forgive him,love him again,trust him..
Talk when u feel things are not right..cry when he hurt u..but try to be his soulmate.. Pls give the marriage another chance..I think he has learnt.😘😘😘
If everything you stated are the problems you are having, Madam please stay put in your marriage.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we face challenges that linger too long and make us incapacitated.
Rekindle the love in your home and take this as a trying period.
I was made to understand that you get all kinds of jobs abroad that can tide you over, so maybe your hubby can try for jobs he felt were lower than him before.
I know you have lost the zeal, but put in a little bit effort to make this work.
Peace🙌
Enter your comment...it is well,my sis,i know how it is as a woman hustling while the man sit down doing nothing.pls for the sake of the kids,endure and keep strifing high.also talk it out with him,let him know ur pain that you are not happy.all d best.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to vacillate between love and hate for this husband. You haven’t fully forgiven him for not supporting you with your degree. You no longer respect him and you think he’s beneath you - I’m inferring this from your tone. You painted a confused picture but it’s clear underneath it all - the only thing you enjoy in this marriage is his gist/company.
ReplyDeleteAsk yourself where you see yourself in 10 years. With him? And his family baggage? Or growing higher in your career but lonely? You have a long life ahead of you.
Your happiness should be your priority
My dear be grateful ok? Don't be fooled about other people lifestyle is smoke and mirrors. At least your hubby doesn't abuse you and he is a good father to the kids. I know it's frustrating to be the bread winner but if the situation remains the same (I pray it doesnt) teach u r kids that hard work pays and it's because of the situation that the father doesn't work. Try to forgive your hubby and start afresh. Maybe he too has realized his mistakes and need to feel loved by you to get his drive back. It's strange that he can't get work until now, this is bad but still you have it much better than many my dear be grateful. You work and have a house what does those ones that are here for years and don't have a job or lost their jobs and are homeless? God will make a way for you dear. It will be well. In everything give glory to God and praise Him, he will perfect everything in His own time.
ReplyDeleteEnter your comment...na wah
ReplyDeleteFor how long will you continue to live like this the way you feel? If you guys are such best friends how come you are not talking about the situation? He should either come back and work out an arrangement on how to pay his former work place back hopefully he will get a job seeing that we value foreign certificates here. Your husband is just too relaxed. He has to wake up.
ReplyDeleteYour husband is only cooling down now because he has nonmoney
ReplyDeleteThanks first commented I totally agree with u. This story reeks of no money love dies. Poster if u want out leave already. Cos from ur write-up I can sense u do not have an atom of love for your husband and all ur concocted tale is so we can ask u to leave. Cos u keep beating around the bush with no significant reason u want out. I think u got another man ur leaving him for self. Oya pack y'all load. Oloshi
ReplyDeleteMy dear, your hubby is lazy. There is no way such a brilliant guy will not be scooped up in the US. He just does not want to work. Even if he cannot find a job in his field make sure everyday you see the back of his head, going out of the door to earn a living. People with little to no education do security work. Let him target a company he wants to work for and apply there for security. Then slowly work his way into a better position. Because he is brilliant he thinks a lot of jobs are beneath him, that is why he is jobless. PRIDE! A real hustler would have snuck into Nigeria to find work or something to do! Don’t settle for this kind of life because it does not make you happy. Your husband also must bring something to the table. You need to talk to him in your quiet moments and help him out if this. He is most likely depressed too and has given up. You need to talk up his ego. See, my man is so egotistical but he’s a wonderful man. When he’s down he talks to me about him and you should see how I praise and hail him. This is because I know that is the way he will get back on his feet. He loves that I believe in him. So we work through his issues step by step till he’s back where he needs to be. You also need to forgive your husband for all the hurt he put you through. You are clearly carrying that baggage around and it is weighing you down. Forgive. Since you have your permanent residence, you need to upgrade your skills so you can buy a small car at least. That will ease your suffering. Or talk to them at work for a raise. So sorry about your predicament I pray you as a family get out of this soon. Stop involving all your family members in your marriage. All this pressure is wearing you out. Also stay away from that friend, she is obviously more miserable than you are. Goodluck to you.
ReplyDeleteThis is the best comment. All in all Poster may God give you the wisdom to handle this issue.
DeleteHmmm. I've always said women were not made to be breadwinners. It's not just in our make up. However, a man would have this same circumstance earning what this woman earns, have a full housewife, have children and take care of all responsibilities without grumbling. it's the way of the world, nothing makes a man more unattractive than being unable to care for his family financially. This chronicle is a lesson for us all, a couple I know the woman has passed on for some years now. She had a very big school in Abuja. This woman was very wealthy, anything she buys she will buy for her husband. I think her husband was retired then. She gives him money and everything takes very good care of him. She said the man had sown the seed years earlier that he took very good care of her to the best of her ability and now that he doesn't have much she has to repay him for all he did in the past. Another example, a couple in my office both work in my office. The wife started working before she met her husband with ordinary secondary school certificate. When they got married the man was not working and she was taking care of him, they had two kids and she was still the breadwinner. She took loan for him to get a professional certification. Took different loans to help him in school, for rent etc. Later he got a job in the same org.and she was relieved. Then about 10 years after their wedding of which she took care of him and the children for 6 years she decided to go back to school but surprisingly her husband did not volunteer to help her. She struggled finished her OND, HND and ANAN without any input from d hubby. She reminded him of all she did for him and their family without complaining but how he could not even help her. Love is reciprocal, the same as giving. It's easy to assume women don't like to spend their money on their husbands. Why not share with her and satisfy her when you have, times do change and money has wings. A good woman will never forget how you took care of her when you had money and will go to any length to take care of you when you are down.
ReplyDeleteLet your husband also pray! I don't think this will work out if you're the only one praying. He's the major prayer point so let him too pray.
ReplyDeletewhy don't you take a little break? move somewhere for a while so that he knows your value and contribution to the home. your husband is not totally sincere
ReplyDeleteI know a woman that her husband got fired like 5 months after their wedding and the husband remained jobless for 13 years after. They had their 3 kids during these years with the woman paying school fees, house rent etc. When this woman is cooking for her husband all the prime cuts of meat, assorted, snail, cow leg will be complete you will think a king is about to dine and all with her money. Few years back God smilled on them and the husband got a very good job after 13 years of joblessness. He called his wife, thanked her for all her efforts and sacrifices and told her that due to his joblessness, he hasn't been help to help his extended family but now that he has a job he wants to focus on them. The woman was really hurt after all she did for him. I don't think it's about a particular I remember a chronicle on this blog that a man did so much for his wife even started a good business for her but when he lost his job and everything she left him and the man started dating her sister. I think some people are naturally ungrateful and it had nothing to do with gender. Poster I know how frustrated you must be but if you leave him you will still end up taking care of the bills. In fact your trouble might become more. Oga please don't be lazy, you can do odd jobs don't see any job has degrading because of your high education. If your wife can struggle and work under harsh conditions you too can. It's abroad not Nigeria, get minimum wage jobs. Bring something to the table, even if the poster continues to shoulder most responsibilities she will know that you are trying your best at least. If your wife wasn't working you will hustle don't be a lazy waste of space.
ReplyDeleteWicked husband's everywhere!
DeleteNa wao. It's really a situation. Stay if you can,please.
ReplyDeleteDear Chronicles writer,
ReplyDeleteFrom what you wrote i would like to say that what your husband did by not supporting you in your academics is wrong!Probably he was scared that the more educated you are the more you might want to rubb shoulders with him(African mentality).
Kudos to your family by helping you out when you needed them,although your husband was supposed to do that for you being the man of the house,howerver i would like to ask did you guys seat and talk about he getting a job whilst he was on scholarship?I know you made mention of he focusing on his programme?
I must commend you for shouldering the family expenses 100% just as you've stated,you're a woman every man whould pray for.You made mention of you praying and fasting!Was your husband involved?If he was,i would like to ask you this
(i)Did you fast and pray with him with a open heart/mind?
If you did then God would definitely do things in his time that i'm sure of,a little bit of patience is what is needed.Not having sex for several years is just too bad,in marriage each partner shoudn't deny the other except you agree to do so for a short while.If you guys ain't having sex then there wouldn't be any form of emotional attachments between you two.
And as for your inlaws that drained his account i'm sure he has learn't his lessons,just be cool with them and stay on your lane.A quick advise from me to you is that you look for an elderly person you can confide in and explain all that has happened and also include your husband.And kindly stop involving your close friends in your marital problems.Everybody has one problem or the other.
So far he is a wonderful father to the kids,then he still cares for the family,for some men wouldn't,that friend who is advising you to get a rich side dude only wants you to be a member of her wayward club.Since you married him for love and if you still love him,call him seat him down and talk some sense into him,but please be polite while doing this.
Shola...
Dear Chronicles writer,
ReplyDeleteFrom what you wrote i would like to say that what your husband did by not supporting you in your academics is wrong!Probably he was scared that the more educated you are the more you might want to rubb shoulders with him(African mentality).
Kudos to your family by helping you out when you needed them,although your husband was supposed to do that for you being the man of the house,howerver i would like to ask did you guys seat and talk about he getting a job whilst he was on scholarship?I know you made mention of he focusing on his programme?
I must commend you for shouldering the family expenses 100% just as you've stated,you're a woman every man whould pray for.You made mention of you praying and fasting!Was your husband involved?If he was,i would like to ask you this
(i)Did you fast and pray with him with a open heart/mind?
If you did then God would definitely do things in his time that i'm sure of,a little bit of patience is what is needed.Not having sex for several years is just too bad,in marriage each partner shoudn't deny the other except you agree to do so for a short while.If you guys ain't having sex then there wouldn't be any form of emotional attachments between you two.
And as for your inlaws that drained his account i'm sure he has learn't his lessons,just be cool with them and stay on your lane.A quick advise from me to you is that you look for an elderly person you can confide in and explain all that has happened and also include your husband.And kindly stop involving your close friends in your marital problems.Everybody has one problem or the other.
So far he is a wonderful father to the kids,then he still cares for the family,for some men wouldn't,that friend who is advising you to get a rich side dude only wants you to be a member of her wayward club.Since you married him for love and if you still love him,call him seat him down and talk some sense into him,but please be polite while doing this.
Shola...
#At the end of the day, it’s you. It's you who has to make sure that you’re okay. It's you who has to hold yourself. It's you who has to decide to keep going*
ReplyDeleteThe painful part of all these for u is how he treated u wen u needed him most and had no good thought towards u, thus refusing or encouraging ur academics.
DeleteBut thank God, The Lord got ur back & 2day is history
All u r today & will be is all by God's grace.
Could it be because of ur Ill-treatmeant from hubby and your faithfulness to d marriage God decided to turn d tables around?
Believe me, u don't know what it feels like for a married woman without a job(& hubby will insist on not working) with a stingy and greedy hubby.
Now you are in charge of finances and have a say in ur marriage, you don't know wat God has done for u.
While you keep praying for job for hubby, keep praying for grace to be humble and submissive(oh yes) and a bigger job
So, long as he doesn't abuse u, no dv & loves d kids and looks out for them, u have no problem.
Is it not just to feed an extra mouth only?
If u divorce won't u be a single parent then w same responsibility until u get d rich dude (presume) which might never come, or someone w many baggage? The grass is not always greener at d other side.
Be grateful for your life, most women are praying for what you have. While you believe and trust God for d best.
Dear poster I want to commend your strenght as a complete woman, not every woman is/will be half as good as you are.
ReplyDeleteFirst, you are an achiever, against all educational odds you stood and came out well, God bless your family. That is why I don't support total parental withdrawal once their children are married especially the female child, support them and help them stand on their feet until they are firm in their homes, marrige is. Transition.
Secondly, madam you have been standing and supporting your husband for years not all women will do it, ask typical ijebu ladies( no offence pls) you are strong. God will bless you.
How ever, the main problem here is not because the man doesn't have money but because he wasn't there when you needed him. If he had supported your educational pursuit you won't feel bad about his situation. The fact that he wasn't availabe is what is eating you up, you are pained, and hurt.
You have to find a place to forgive him, that forgiveness may just be the barrier to the unanswered prayers. My dear, you are not alone in that dillema, most African men are in the habit of placing their extended family before their immediate family, I wonder when this anomaly will be corrected.
Pls don't leave your husband, just cos of the kids, they will suffer emotionally cos they cnt comprehend the reason for seperation. So long he doesn't beat you. Just endure.
Your seed sowing, prayer and fasting will not be complete without forgiveness, do try to open up to him, forgive him totally and let's see what God will do.
There is a place in the bible that talks about men treating their wives well so that their prayers will not be hindered. I cnt remember the passage. So give this a trial and watch the new year.
The Lord is your strenght, your husband is blessed to have you.
The painful part of all these for u is how he treated u wen u needed him most and had no good thought towards u, thus refusing or encouraging ur academics.
ReplyDeleteBut thank God, The Lord got ur back & 2day is history
All u r today & will be is all by God's grace.
Could it be because of ur Ill-treatmeant from hubby and your faithfulness to d marriage God decided to turn d tables around?
Believe me, u don't know what it feels like for a married woman without a job(& hubby will insist on not working) with a stingy and greedy hubby.
Now you are in charge of finances and have a say in ur marriage, you don't know wat God has done for u.
While you keep praying for job for hubby, keep praying for grace to be humble and submissive(oh yes) and a bigger job
So, long as he doesn't abuse u, no dv & loves d kids and looks out for them, u have no problem.
Is it not just to feed an extra mouth only?
If u divorce won't u be a single parent then w same responsibility until u get d rich dude (presume) which might never come, or someone w many baggage? The grass is not always greener at d other side.
Be grateful for your life, most women are praying for what you have. While you believe and trust God for d best.
I was so touched reading this. Walking out in the cold must be hell for you, oh dear. I am so sorry luv. First of all, I can't believe your husband can't even get a minimum wage paying job that's impossible, he probably sets himself up not to get it maybe cos he feels the jobs are beneath him n his qualifications or probably cos he is being lazy and comfortable seeing you suffer so much just to take care of the bills., so you cant even enjoy your money and save, he is lazy. If thats not the case then you need to earnestly pray about it. The sex part, I don't get, both of you live together and don't have sex for years 😯😯😯, unbelievable! I feel he betrayed you sincerely by not supporting your career and all, that's really bad, he's not a nice guy. But since you say in all you are besties and he is a good father, I beg to differ cos he isn't providing for his kids, so you are just being sentimental, he should put in more efforts. If u can, please keep enduring it will get better, talk to him about all these you brought up,maybe he will find it in his heart to ask for your forgi emphasize the need for him to get a job and fast haba. I feel for you, manage ehn for God's sake and the kids. Hopefully when he get a job, it will balance out, but i wont be surprised if he continues being stingy. Brace you self, you are a superwoman!
ReplyDeleteposter,maybe you need to make suggestions to him:
ReplyDelete-uber driver (if u can get a car loan)
-a school teacher(since he is quite intelligent)
-Horn out some of his skills and see how he can become an entepreneur however small he starts.
U need to reconnect with him so u both can work together on building productive Ideas, U probably need to talk things out and pour out ur heart to him,this may bring you closer to healing and complete forgiveness, Kudos to your hard work and push ma.Bless.
Dear poster,
ReplyDeleteKeep trusting God, it may b tough now but believe it will end in praise
Poster your Husband must be either under a very Strong Spiritual attack or Lazy. How can someone living abroad with papers, intelligent and Education can be jobless for Ten Years! Jesus! Now what you have to do: You cannot continue like this tell him to go and look for any job Cleaning, Care, Mortuary Attendant ( Owo Oku o kin run) or whatever more he didn’t give you anything when he had his Schlolarship money. You cannot continue to be the breadwinner of the Family! It’s not healthy for your Children! When we tell you abroad doesn’t pay for everybody you people will not hear. If he hadn’t resigned his job here now. As for his family next time they ask you for money or anything tell them to go and ask their Son! Mtchewwww!
ReplyDeleteI am going to address the section of job hunting. He needs to check his resume properly to make sure he is not putting more than required in the resume. Example, applying for administrative job that requires a high school certificate and writing that you have a masters degree. Or going to the job interviews and telling them about all his education when all they need is somebody with less qualification.
ReplyDeleteAs for the other issues, God will heal you. He can restore any situation. He is probably testing your perseverance. Don’t stop praying.
I wish you both all the best.
Poster. Your story got to me. The fundamental issues are no money.no sex. A very hurt wife finding it hard to forgive her husband. I have been married for 30 years. There was a time I had very little and my husband wasnt supportive too. Then the tables turned.He lost his job. I stopped having sex with him. Actually, his libido went down and every sex we had ended up in sexual frustrations for me. So i just ended those agonising sessions called sex. Gradually, my love for him waned. I only tolerated him. Then he moved to another state. And i refused to move with him. Now I realise it wasnt the best decisions that I made.Poster. Your marriage is in your hands. You talk as friends. Hes a great father to the kids. You can hold on to those points. But your not having sex with him is very key to your not connecting with him anymore. That is what happened to me.He probably also has self esteem issues not being able to get a job and provide for the family. His drive when he was on scholarship was not because he was selfish but because he saw himself as the provider and felt it was his success that mattered and not yours. Thats probably why he didnt show too much support when you wanted to study. He probably felt your own contribution would not matter much since he is the sole provider. You need to see it from this angle and release the hurt and pain you feel about his attitude. Its been long isnt it?Your families are also too involved in your marriage. Its not a healthy thing to allow family have say so in marital affairs. Dont leave. He sounds like a good man regardless. Youve come this far already. Sometimes the breakthrough is nearer when we are about to give up....
ReplyDeleteDear Poster, sorry about d whole situation. But it baffles me as to why your hubby hasn’t gotten a job after how many years in d “Abroad “ especially been there legally. Even people without papers are working.
ReplyDeleteI was praying for blessings in my home and God revealed to me that the blessings I want will destroy my home if we get it at the time. I thought about it for days and found out it was true then the steps by step work to improve my home started and I remember God said COMPLETELY forgive not just forgive and its the hard esteem thing I have ever done. My sister COMPLETELY forgive and God will fix it. I love you and hope it works for you.
ReplyDelete