STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
A MESSED UP CHILDHOOD
Hi Stellz, This might be lengthy pls pardon me. I just need to write and share to reduce the weight and free myself a little.
I'm 27. Born into a family of 6. My dad, (very understanding) My mom (Difficult) our 1st son (we never get along) 2nd son (abused me while Growing up) myself (the only girl) my younger brother (simple and free spirited)
My dad was never around when we were kids the nature of his job takes him out of town most times but he always provides and sends money to take care of our bills. Mom was a full time housewife. No degree, so sometimes when dad delays in sending money she shoulders responsibilities by looking for our daily meals which led her into doing garri business. Growing up my brothers and I were shielded from any family suffering my mom always tries to handle them alone and I believe all that turned her into the kind of mother she was. Difficult, abusive, insults and her words hurts. It could leave you thinking about life for days.
My older brother somehow is just like her. He has his ways with words so most times I avoid him so I don't get hurt. Till today all the avoiding when we were kids made us drift apart. We hardly even talk now.
Stella I'm depressed i hate to admit it but I am. Everyone sees it and they keep saying I need deliverance but I know it's more psychological. Growing up as an only girl my mom pushed me away with her harsh words and judgemental attitude. I wasn't comfortable going to her for anything because I feel I know she would shout and insult me before any other. I grew up alone, I advised myself when I needed one, I saw my first period as a child and I kept it to myself for months, hiding my panties, bedsheets, throwing away toilet papers I used trough the fence so my mom won't insult me again. I never knew it was normal until I heard my class mates in school discussing flows and I paid attention and knew it was actually suppose to happen every month.
I learnt about sanitary pads in school. When I was 13 I remember my mom coming to me asking if I've not started seeing my period not even knowing ive been on it for a long time already.
When I was in primary school, when I was about 7 or there about can't really remember when or how it started, but somehow I realised I was allowing our second son seduce me, play with my clits, rub his thing on mine, no penetration. I had orgasms through the touches so yeah I enjoyed it. I still remember then when things were rough with my family we used to sleep together in the parlour, when the lights are out he will start touching me and then say let's do that thing we used to do and I give in. Whenever we were alone, bathrooms he will just be touching me. Playing with my small boobs then. This happened till I was about 11 or 12 and then somehow I got to realise it wasn't right and then I started avoiding his plays and going close to him and rejecting his advances. Gradually it stopped, and till today we never talk about it. Secret I've lived with all my life.
No one to confide in, I never knew it's OK trusting anyone while growing up because I was never given the chance to communicate and be understood. I bottle up a lot. Hide a lot. I'm very secretive and somehow I just struggle opening up cos I feel people will judge me and condemn me before I even finish.
At age 15, when I had a bike accident the exhaust burning me and I went home with it. My mom instead of asking what happened started again with me bringing troubles for them. I packed my things and left for her younger sisters place without telling anyone. With the big burn on my leg. My aunt didn't even know i had a burn. My dad came back that night and asked of me that was when they started calling relatives and found out I was with her. Which they later told her I had a burn on my leg. She called me and asked me to raise my trousers up and she saw it. I was willing to keep that to myself too. That was how bad it was growing up. I used their bathroom and somehow I got an infection. I'm ashamed of myself today because that day was the beginning of my secretive health life.
I didn't even know what was happening to me then, offensive smells, itches but I just couldn't talk to anyone because I was scared. I realise whenever I bath it goes away so I bathed frequently and somehow it stopped. I never visited any doctor.
At age 16, I started having abnormal feelings to relieve stress and whenever I feel so anxious and uncertain I feel like pulling something. Till today I always pull to relieve stress. I mean pulling my eyelashes, hair edges, and facials. It's more worse with the lashes cos I just can't stop it. My hair too most times is a struggle. My eyelash is always bare. I think ever since I started pulling only 3 persons ve noticed how empty they are. My family I've lived with all my life don't even know. I just enjoy the pain that comes with it. It reliefs me. I think that's my own addiction. I don't smoke or drink to get drunk but I pull to relax. It's bad Stella. Even at that people still complement me that eyes are one of my best attributes, small, shiny and pure they say. I don't know if they don't see the empty lashes.
At age 18 my year 2 in uni, I had my first boyfriend a final year student. To an extent I was comfortable with him and slowly I thought finally someone I can trust. So I believed him when he invited me to sit out with his friends. We hung out, it was late so he thought of us lodging and he promised taking me back to my hostel in the morning. I had no reason to doubt him, he's been such a good friend and I desperately needed someone to talk to cos I was holding on to a whole lot alone. We got a room and lights out, he got hard and forced himself on me. He raped me. I cried, begged him to stop, told him it was paining me, told him I love him so he would just stop, we struggled, I struggled but he wouldn't hear of anything, I gave in, and he forced himself in. You see I had pleasure growing up but there was no penetration. The first I had was through rape. The pain was not of this world.
He finished, got up saw blood everywhere and started begging. Wanted to make it right. Preached for another chance saying the first time is always painful. I cried all night. In the morning, I went back to my hostel, peed and saw blood. It was so for like 3 days and then it stopped. I never visited any doctor. Told no one also. That was how we ended. Him living with guilt and myself a secret. I can't bring myself to forgive him.
I'm 27 now, I'm sorry to say I never felt the need to learn how to prepare any special dish only basics. I believe me learning is to feed a man someday cos that's all my mom does. Cooks and feeds my dad and brothers. and I feel they are not worth it. I've had serious infections but I've never visited any doctor ever since I was 15, hormonal imbalance. I've lived with it and somehow it goes away and reappears. After my last first boyfriend raped me, I've not had anyone. A man touching me brings back memories of abuse and rape. Im scared of visiting a doctor cos I might be judged for neglecting myself all these years. No I'm not a lesbian but yes I touch myself sometimes.
The two main thing every man wants from a woman I can't give any, food and sex. So how do I get married.
I believe somehow God loves me so much and one day he will re write my story. You see I believe in love and companionship. But I can't give it.
I'm depressed, suicidal, secretive, lonely and confused. My family says I'm always keeping to myself. They sense something is wrong and my dad now retired tries talking to me but I just can't open up. My mom keeps saying I should tell then what the matter is but I feel it's too late for any of that now. I have serious issues. But I'm scared. Im scared. I really am. I don't want to die either but I feel I'm really close to it already. I need help. I've lost so many things already. My happiness, everything. I have nothing. I don't even go to church anymore. The church used to be my sanity. I get peace whenever Im around it. But I don't go anymore. My attitude is just zero. Too much of life occurrences has made me thick. I'm angry, bitter frustrated and hopeless. I feel like I'm a time bomb. One wrong move or abuse from anyone and I will explode and do the unimaginable.
I have episodes of serious highs and lows. Anything as little as you are stupid or you didn't do that right gets me to withdraw and go back to my shell. When I'm withdrawn I can be so difficult to read, talk to or understood. When I'm moderately ok I can be the sweetest and that can disappear anytime.
Please help me.
I just wanted to write. I'm tired of living this way. Do you know anyone I can talk to in Nigeria that's not judgemental. I once tried confiding in my moms elder sister just a little and it was used against me during family discussions.
I struggle trusting people. Help me.
OMG OMG OMG....Please if you want to reach out to her,send me a mail for her contact
Wow.. This is deep.
ReplyDeleteGod please fix her
You need peace.. And that peace can only come from God.
It's your new dawn.
@ANONYMOUS ORUBEBE
Very touching. I feel like reaching out and hug you. But i think you need a stronger person. For some reason i feel i might not be adeqate for your need. You are in my prayers. There are also books you can read to help yout mid set and self belive. There is "power of positive thinking" and there is also "The Secret" which should go along way if you can get the entire 4 series of it; the Power, the magic and the hero.
DeleteI dont like going religious but i belive your destiny and joy is inside of you. You just need the the right mind set dear.
Ify.
Sweetheart, even if ALL ODDS are against you, one thing I know for sure is that you write so well.
DeleteStay strong dear.
My dear, no good Dr will judge you. You have to open up to someone. That's where your healing will start from.
DeleteGo to the Dr ASAP you might have an infection and when in females for a while it can lead to sterility. Don’t let it become something bigger than it is. I sit. See the correlation between your life story and going to a dr when you have medical problems. Drs are neutral people. They are not ther to judge. If you feel bad go far to a dr that does not know you or your family.
DeleteVery wife does not have to slave in the kitchen like we all do in Africa. Maybe if you have a chance marry an oyimbo man . But please get advice from someone older and mature. You are already at step 1 by coming here. Don’t let your past define you just leave it where it belongs in the PAST
Shitty shitt! Go and kill yourself make I hear word.
DeleteWrite a letter to your parents,explaining everything you've beeb through. I'm sorry for all that has happened. Don't kill yourself pls, your parents still loves you, they just don't know how to express it. I'll keep you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteBelieve me when I say I totally understand, I have three sisters but growing up I was hardly close to any, they called me aljenu, my mum never really got me so she said a lot that hurt me so deep, in my case I had friends who were sisters but there are things I kept to myself, though and our first born (a guy) were very close, he left for "the abroad" and I went into my shell even more until I got into the university. I think you should get close to someone even if it's just one person, you need to talk things out, you need to let someone know, not everyone judges you know, you also need to get to see a doctor cus at the end of the day it's your body, you can't just die like that, don't give the devil a chance to succeed, you have a purpose believe me, if you can forgive your brother please do so for your sake but you have to let your mum know, send her a text message if you can't face her, believe me she doesn't know what she did, or how to handle you but at least open up and start somewhere.
DeleteAbout getting married, someone would come along and love you more than you can explain, if I dint have that I wunt be confident enough to say so, cling to God in the main time and watch him work his wonders
It's going to better believe me, and if no one has told you this, I love you
See tears rolling down...poster kpele. I pray you get a help. Father Lord I ask for wisdom to train my children and bring the best in them in Jesus Name-Amen.
ReplyDeleteMy dear first healing is for you to forgive yourself, parents and whoever have abuse you in the past
ReplyDeleteSecondly you need to tell your self you want to be a better person to your self, family and the society at large
Then you need Jesus he is the only true friend you can ever think of
As far as am concerned most children in this part of the world are abuse and molested by family or the environment but you have to let it all go and be determine to make your life beautiful
Pls release your self for God to help you heal fast
Wish you quick recovery
Tiwa
I can feel your pain from this your write up and I wish you quick recovery too. May the almighty bless you.
DeleteAnd i thought my childhood was worst,Alhamdulillah robilallahmin.God will locate u with someone who will listen and help u out.
ReplyDeleteIn all things God works for the good of they that love him and are called according to his purpose. He can turn this situation of yours for good; that is your developing this loneliness as "alone with God"; through his word, praying and fasting. He loves you and can send someone to you that will understand you and you can trust. You are peculiar and special the way he made you.
ReplyDeleteDepression, depression is really. My dear, i understand your pain of having no one to confide in especially when they end up using it against you. it can choke. You will find your joy in Christ by trusting Him. Its only God and you that can give yourself the joy you need. sending you bear hugs dear.
ReplyDeleteWhy don't you call your family together and tell them your pains, fear and everything. It will go a long way to ease your mind. I will like to have your email
So heartbreaking
ReplyDeleteIt is well dear.
May God crown you with His Peace..
May God visit you soon and send a helper your way..
Goshh...I cried while reading...I was molested by my elder sister,she called me while reading this chronicles and I was about confronting her sometin just said calm..I will confront her someday....tears
ReplyDeleteEya.. Pele
DeleteAre you a girl? Or a boy?
Kai, this is barbaric, why would a sister or brother sleep with his or her own sister or brother for goodness sake
Sick
Sick
Sick
@ANONYMOUS ORUBEBE
OH dear! A big hug from me to you...
ReplyDeleteI know you will get a shrink from here, but you see, you have to go back to your first love, Original love.
Pls take it easy. Some day you will be helping someone in your shoes, so dust yourself and be strong! Its not easy but its possible.
Be strong!💪
Such a sweet soul that was not guided properly...
ReplyDeleteYou must first stop seeing yourself as a victim and more of a victor.
A lot of people that grew up in African homes have similar tales of lack of affection and real emotions. Most parents feel as long as they have paid your school fees, fed and sheltered you... you are good to go.
Listen, forget the past. The future holds so much more.
Your brother abused you.. That clitoral stimulation is the only thing your brain remembers as pleasure and this is why you touch yourself.
You really do need to talk to a professional. Pulling your hair is an addiction that can be stopped through help from a therapist and family.
It is time to open up to your parents, you are 27years old. They need to hear your voice now... Just maybe apologies from them can go a long way to give you closure, truth be told.. You raised yourself.
You need to see a doctor for that lingering infection.. the abdominal pain you are having might be from an infection you've had for years.
Finally, Before you go into any form of relationship.. Check all the boxes. As a BV here, you must have read other chronicles and topics pertaining to relationships, loses,heartbreak and manipulations. We can never get it 100% sometimes but you must guard your fragile heart.
God bless you and give you lots of happiness and sunshine♥️
This is really heartwarming dear. Well said!
DeleteYou wrote it ALL so welll!
DeleteKindly reach out to her I beg you. She just needs someone she can lay it all out to and feel vulnerable enough to cry on her shoulders.
Poster, writing this albeit on a faceless forum is a positive sign. It means you're ready to heal. And you'll find that which you seek
Cheers!
My dear sorry ehen just take very bond courage and talk to your parent, seems your father is more understand than your mother you can talk to your father Alone, pele God be with you and strengthen you...
ReplyDeleteI almost skipped this chronicle today. Oh no! brought tears to my eyes. This is too much pain for anyone to ignore you. Hold on tight and stay alive while we figure out how to help you. You are so precious dear, other people's destinies are tied to yours, don't give up. Help us to keep you alive.
ReplyDeletePoster. Healing starts from you. Me and my sisters had the worst childhood anyone can think of. I read that actresses story and I just de smile. My elder sis shared half of her story on FIN the other day and pple were crying. My dear, You alone can liberate yourself!. The whole world abandoned us, suffering made my mum so bitter and angry towards us. But after everything we fought, won and stay winning. My mum is our bestfriend and she has adopted some of my friends now sef. She goes for omugwo in their place and she's just too good. Hardship can bring out the worst in pple. Let go and love yourself biko!. Wish I could talk to u, I'm tired of typing. ..
ReplyDeleteHello.. This story really touched me.. you see, i was in your shoes a few weeks ago.. i was suicidal.. i decided to get help.. i met a psychologist and told him my story.. i was diagnosed with a personality disorder stemming from my childhood abandonment issues.. i believe that someday, i will write my own story.. for now i am determined to get help and get better.. i tried to get your contact but aunty stella didnt post it.. but if you get to read this, know that you are not alone.. you are responsible for your own life and how it turns out... you can be better and you will be.. get help, meet with a psychologist.. and in all, dont forget the role God plays in our lives.. he will heal you.. be kind to yourself my darling, you will be just fine.
ReplyDeleteNawah ooh, why are some parents like this, one day when I have the power I hope to start writing on SDK.
ReplyDeleteEspecially on issues pertaining to motherhood,most women don't know their role as a mother.
I hope Stella will give me the opportunity. Family values are gradually been eroded, I was writing on the issue of women not wanting to breastfeed their children anymore, some one called me a breastwatcher. I laughed over it though.
The situation is getting worst, mothers having children is not by force, if you cnt take care of them just don't give birth to them.
My dear, you need to read positive heart changing books it will help you
She needs a counselor someone to take help her build her confidence and self esteem.she needs serious help and I hope she finds it.
ReplyDeleteLEP😛
Not everyman loves food and sex.
ReplyDeleteWell as poster said, those are the main things. I keep hoping to meet a man that is different, my type, for where? It is well.
DeleteAnon tell them ooo. Majority of guys that walk up to ladies for relationship simply wants to sleep with them and nothing more. How best to get it than to fool you into thinking they want to be your man. That her yeye ex just wanted her body but he knew he had to pose as a boyfriend to get it,to him it felt safer to harrass her as a lover because when push comes to shove he would deny it and say afterall we were dating and it was consensual.
DeleteWhen a When a man tells me I want you to be my girlfriend, my auto immune translator instantly decodes it as"I want to sleep with you". I tell them am celibate come and see as they pick race.
Poster I plead with you to forgive your brother for at that time both of you were kids so I bet just like you at the time he was oblivious of the gravity of that act. I pray the good Lord heal your pain.
This is deep....Oluwa is in control!!!
ReplyDeleteDear poster, I perfectly understand what you're talking about and I must say, it's not palatable at all. Sorry for all that you've been through, I plead on behalf of all that have contributed one way or the other to your pain. It may not be easy, but very possible to overcome it all. Truth is, all that you've been through, without exception, are raw materials in the hands of God to mould you into an accomplished, enviable person, if you surrender to Him to serve Him. all things work together for good to them that love God... So, begin by building up your spiritual life, and the rest will fit in. Like the prodigal son, decide you're not going to remain where you are, rather, you'll make a move toward the direction of solution, armed with the weapon of faith and hope. Let the past remain past, focus on a new you: your new you is not in the past, it's in your future. So, stand up, dust yourself of the stains of the past, all the insults, etc, and begin to move. There is no stopping you! Love you dear.
ReplyDeleteHawk-Eyed!
Dear poster, please get the book, "Soaring like the Eagle", by Bill Newman. It will help you.
ReplyDeletePoster.....This is serious something oh. You need to get close to God. The Bible says, he's the finisher of our faith. Get close to God, confide in him and he will give you peace like a river....start reading the book of psalms and start going to sunday service, believe me you will get your groove back.
ReplyDeleteYou probably don't need to tell anyone anything; put everything in your past and start a new chapter of your life and you will be fine dear......
E-hug dear
Dear Chronicles writer,
ReplyDeleteI'd advice you erase the thought of suicide from your mind,with what you wrote i can understand that growing up was not that easy with you coupled with your up bringing.Do not avoid God,for he alone is your refuge,try looking for a wise elder one you can confide in & simply relate all your past experience.
Also try learning to love yourself, by so doing you'd develop for others.Also learn how to cook for you would have to do this if you get married.And be affectionate and loving for you need to show this to your loved one's as Christ the King he himself is love.
Also call your brother and make him understand that understand that his advances to you while you were younger,did more harm that good to you as a person.
Shola
Find a good counsellor, a pastor or mental therapist, depending on what u can afford. Pray to God with all sincerity to help u straighten ur life out and quit touching urself. Ask Him to help u forge a true relationship with Him. He does not disappoint. Ur case is not hopeless.
ReplyDeleteOh my God!!For the first time in my life I want to hug a total stranger so bad and make you lean on my shoulders and tell you everything will be just fine .Stella I will reach out to you for this poster's contact.
ReplyDeleteI used to be like you, just keep to myself and not want to relate with any family member when I was younger.Because I felt no one understood me.I was so stubborn as a child,and my mom beats me alot and was very harsh towards me.But I think God just had a hand in it.Today my parents and siblings are the best friends I have, we discuss and share a lot together. It took my dad's intervention and making sure myself and my siblings were one.
And the health and puberty issue,I can so relate with you. My first period was exactly what you described , I thought something was wrong with me and even growing pubic hair, I was so ashamed of my body.It was until I went to boarding house I knew about this things.I didn't even know as a girl, you have to shave pubic hairs.So down there was always bushy with a stench. I thank God for my best friend in secondary school, who put me through, because she had a lot of elder sisters and cousin so she was well informed and was exposed.Because my mum didn't discuss this with me.She was just so tough and harsh.Now that we are best of friends,she wishes we shared this mother/daughter bond since I was younger.Obviously she missed a lot of my firsts.First period, first crush,first boyfriend, e.t.c
And I know your fears about the health thing. You may be afraid thinking you may not be able to have kids or fertile because of the neglects in the past. Trust me there's no shame in going to see a doctor about your health concerns.It's better late than never.
There are many ladies who didn't even know how to boil eggs before it was time to marry.But started learning months and even a year(catering school) to learn how to cook. Try and spend time with your mama in the kitchen (you may start having some form of interaction).Because your dad and brothers took your mama for granted, doesn't mean your husband and kids will do same to you. Everyone's path and destiny is different. Have Faith and Believe in yourself and your entire existence.
You seem to have a soft spot for your Dad fro how you described him why not open up to him. Just open up to him and you can never imagine how fast you will recover.
ReplyDeleteThe only problem you have is keeping to your self. No one is an Island. Just open up to your Dad. Family is all you have got.
Also on another note, stop thinking your brother abused you, from your write up you never want to acknowledge any of these to be any fault of yours. You were 7 and your brother might be 9 also. So both of you were kids. He didn't abuse you rather both of you were doing the wrong thing.
Just open up to your Dad and you will be fine.
Poster,
ReplyDeleteYour story is quite touching, but then, domestic and psychological abuse by relatives is a common tale in Africa. For the most part, we are most vulnerable to our loved ones. Something the enemy (Devil) understands and exploits. Moreso, most millennials (and older folks) were raised by parents who knew next to nothing about the art of parenting, asides making babies.
I would advise that you forgive your parents, especially your mom, for her perceived parental failures. I am quite certain her failure was a function of ignorance, and not lack of love or premeditated hostility towards you. She raised you the best and only way she knew to. She would have done better had she the requisite knowledge and aptitude needed for proper parenting. I am sure she meant well, she didn't just "know well".
You also need to forgive your ex-boyfriend. It is only in forgiving others that we are truly liberated. Forgiveness therefore, is an act of immense strength and courage. You may even need to get across to him to communicate your decision to forgive him. It is difficult--forgiving people who truly deserve condemnation, but it is a tool for emotional and psychological freedom.
Ultimately, you need to accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour. He alone can "cure" and cleanse you. He will rid you of every baggage and give you a brand new life. That is a guarantee! You probably can't implement the aforementioned steps above without this vital element in place. Salvation is your greatest and surest escape route from depression, oppression, hatred, and all other vices that seek to overwhelm you.
God loves you, and He has keep you alive to save so many souls. A lot of lives will be transformed by your story.
Take the challenge and turn your mess to a MESSAGE!!
Today all BVs are sober. I haven’t seen BVs as sober and thoughtful as they are today. So una get heat? I thought you were all evil with comments that roll in without emotions sometimes.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster, we will pray for you and you writing this is a first step to your new beginning
Dear poster...
ReplyDeleteClick on my ID and send me a mail.. So I can get across to you..
I can still get you to see a psychologist if you so wish depending on your location.
Don't worry you won't be judged listening to such with empathy is my job.
#Silent tears hold the loudest pain*
ReplyDeletePoster,This is the time for you to move closer to God,suicide is never the way out of any problem,forgive yourself make new friends,think positively.The Lord is your strength.
ReplyDeleteDon't meet any pastor dear, they would rather take advantage of you.. When you find genuine Love (which you definitely will) all these would be in the past, go to the hospital n talk to your doc about the infection u had n still have, doctors don't judge, u will feel better when u treat your infection ..I Promise very soon, you will meet someone that u can't wait to pour all these out too.. I was in your shoe dear, n m better now.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I would ask you to exonerate your mum from the blame, because she was also a victim of the depression you have now. Your dad was away, probably enjoying himself there while the woman was suffering from depression. It is good you are speaking out. I pray you get the help you deserve.
ReplyDeleteGosh.... this is soooo depressing i couldn't even finish reading it *sigh*
ReplyDeletePls never kill yourself. Life is beautiful! Glory awaits you my dear sister. That you even wrote this piece, healing has started for you already. Be strong, tomorrow will be great and you will find true love I can guarantee you. Pls forgive all who have hurt you and be determined to live a great life. Its possible. You didn't talk about what you do for a living. You need friends, colleagues and pls start going to church again even if it means you find a new church. May God help you. It is well with you. Committing suicide is for COWARDS. Fight away such thoughts, be COURAGEOUS and tomorrow you'll be the one the world will be celebrating. I love you my sister and loads of people love but JESUS loved you the most!
ReplyDeleteDear poster, I want you to know DAT d seed of greatness lies in u. No matter what you have gone through, you will become a voice to be heard and reckoned w, I'd only you can laugh at your past, overcome d fear of criticism and rejection and love yourself.
ReplyDeleteHave you heard of Joyce Meyer? Pls read about her biography. Abused by dad, kicked out on d street many worst things, with failed marriages. Today, the world bows to her and she is adored and lived by millions, round d globe.
What about Oprah Winfrey? I am sure u know already.
Tell your dad u need to talk to him. Take him out to a quiet place and let him read all these you wrote here, after which you can tell him some more. He will help confront members of your family and reconcile you all.
Off course, he will make sure you see a doctor.
Then, you need to get your self back to church. It's expedient. I'd not, depression will kill you.
Also, so you can heal and find Jesus and love Him. Cos He already loves you, just as you are.
He said concerning you, "come unto me all yea that are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest"
Surrender your life to Jesus, invite him into your life and give Him control of it, and I promise he will turn this mess of yours, into miracles, testimonies and abounding joy.
Lastly, love yourself. You are d best of your kind. You are created in God's image and likeness. You are priceless. Don't think less of yourself.
For the cooking and sex part in marriage, relax. When you sort all these out, God will also take care of DAT.
And who says its too late to learn how to cook.
If you need an online buddy, just click on my ID. My email is der.
Poster..Talk to God,he will listen and wipe your tears..
ReplyDeleteAwww...dearie it is well.
ReplyDeletePls stay alive.
I understand your medical concerns girl. I used to have reoccurring infections too in d past and was scared a lot. But here I am, married with kids.
So pls see a doctor as soon as you can, please dear.
Plenty e-hugs from me to you.
Lastly, have a personal conversation with God to help you out, trust me, HE listens!
Don't meet any pastor I beg you, do d job yourself cos you're not any less to special to God.
~Nana
I swear you have just described me, having no one to talk to, my mum is just like yours, even worse. I was very quite and into my shell, I still am. The depression, suicidal thoughts, sweetie I was you. I actually attempted suicide in 2013, when my mother was driving me crazy and my life was downhill. It was bad, but I scaled through, I got busy, I started doing something that give me happiness, makeup, I got busy, I distanced myself from things that made me sad even my mom. Today I walk-up to something that gives me joy, everyday which is my business. My advice is find something you love and start doing it. The idle mind is the devils workshop. You write well. Write a book about you life story, talk to a publisher. You could make money from it. It's your own way of talking to people .
ReplyDeleteIt's really a messed up childhood, but talk to a psychologist. You will be alright.
ReplyDeleteDear poster you’re suffering from a mental condition called trichotillomania. Hair pulling. Pls seek help fast
ReplyDeleteOh my God. 😢😢😢 Please how do i reach her? My email is tehilaprimadonna@gmail.com
ReplyDeletePoster. I didn't know how to cook before I got married. My mother was totally disconnected from us. We were all girls. I learnt how to cook in marriage. I wanted to learn. I bought cook books, asked questions on how a certain dish was cooked if I ate out and liked the food. Then I would experiment at home. Before long, people were actually applauding my cooking. So don't be scared. And sex. When you meet that right special person, you will want to have sex with him. The love you have for him will propel you to want to have a deeper contact with him. You just haven't met that person. Talk to a psychologist. You will have more peace talking to a stranger who has professional training to understand your thought process. Don't lose it. You've stayed so long and come this far already. It will be cowardice to just end your life. You've come this far and you just must overcome it. No you won't end it. No way.
ReplyDeleteIt will take time but you will surely recover from this.. Here are the steps you must take:
ReplyDelete1.Go see a Dr, do all necessary check ups and take any prescribed medications.
2. Join a good BIBLE PREACHING CHURCH not a prosperity, money grabbing gathering.
3. Make a conscious effort to make friends.. an active social life will really boost you. Work, church, neighbourhood are a places you can mingle with people.
4. Remember that success is the best revenge. Take care of yourself, look good dress well, pursue a good career.
5. Give a man a chance - a good man. Make sure he understands where you are coming from. If he is truly yours, he will hold your hand through all of this.. he will build a new life with you.. you will find joy again and have the opportunity to create a loving home of your own.
In conclusion..
It's too late now to confide in your parents.. the damage is already done. But you can express your hurt to them if you wish. Just be prepared that it may not change much. The best you can do is move ahead and reinvent your own life! God will open doors for you if you allow Him.
Since you are closer to your dad, and he understands you, please open up to him.cos my dad is the only person that understands me in my family, he doesn't judge me rather he advises me even in my relationship.
ReplyDeleteDear Poster
ReplyDeleteYour post really touched me and I hope you get to see this. I wish Stella has used a pseudoname for you so I can follow up with you. Reading about your mother had me crying so deeply.
I too have a very harsh mother, there is nothing too hard for her to say, her words can make you end your life. She has beaten me up, destroyed things poured hot water on friends. But as she got older it was words. Her words can make you end your life.
I have been where you are now. Feeling so worthless, feeling like whats the point to life. Depression is real, very very real. Just about two weeks ago I was in the depths of despair but things just happened to make me want to try.
Please try to live just one more day, then the next then the next take baby steps. At 27, you are a beautiful human being and spirit who have so much to live for. Life is NOT all about man and children. My mum have man and children, with the way she stresses me out I cant see the joy she has.(Please I am not discounting marriage I am just saying with the way we emphasise it, it it really is not the be all and end all. Many parents have frustrated their children into vices and have even lost them to suicide due to some childhood trauma that affected into adulthood, yet we celebrate them bcos they stayed together 25plusyears. hmmm) My relationship with my mum is just strange. Its like I am the sounding board for all her frustrations. I wondered maybe she didnt want me. I have slept hoping not to wake up so that she can be happy not to have me..i cant even say I have truly left that thought pattern...i am a work in progress...I remember when ppl use to go home for holidays. I prefer to stay and celebrate holidays all alone just to avoid her. When people spoke about their mum, I could not relate. The day I joined ladies to buy gifts for their mothers.(We bought wholesale) after a 20 hr journey to my house, I presented it to my mother and my mum flung mine in my face. I cannot relate to all these sweet praying mother people talk about.
Poster with life, endless possibilities are there, Have you gone to the dead sea? have you gone on an amusement ride, just for the fun of it? have you let loose and just laugh at the thrill of riding an elephant? been to a beach? are you proficient in excel? Gmaths? bead making, make up, baking, cooking, even mechanic work if NOT please you have not yet lived your life till you try most of those things and just because you tried and failed at something doesn't mean you are failure. Its an opportunity to try again, my love.
I already have a girl with me, who I am mentoring. She was hypertensive at her young age and I picked her to just come to my place. that first week she slept for 2 days. I kept waking her up to eat. There was no motives but to see her happy. She just eat and sleep and I took her for outing just to enjoy life around her..a year after and she is getting better more confident and has even laughed. I wish stella posted a name for you so I can be on the look out for your progress, because you WILL PROGRESS.
That boy took advantage of you. He was not meant to do that. Not all men are like that. My mothers rant affected me I lost confidence and focus in adulthood and I had to repeat a year (adding to my depression and more confidence loss) by now I was non functioning depressive..a friend, male came and stayed with me and took care of me till I became myself and he left. No sex.IYKEERO, GOD BLESS YOU!!! My dear good men are there, just relax feel free and be happy you will meet some.
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ReplyDeleteAs for doctors, please go. Imagine that this doctor has seen 150 naked bodies, all shapes and sizes that day alone and has heard it all before you came, you are just one more to him or her. They are working for their money, and not there to judge you. Please go and tell him all, be honest with your doctor please, whatever it is, you are not the first or last.You will be surprised at how light you will feel after it all.
Poster you seem to have the gift of writing and a story to tell. Why don't you start there? Chimamanda, Chinua Achebe, Wole Soyinka, Tolkien (The Hobbit), George Martin (Game of thrones) Stephen King, Dean Koonts all started somewhere. Some of them were also abused and dirt poor too. Please hone your skills. You have so much to live for, you have not started yet.
You did the right thing posting to, plus So many lovely comments here today,we thank God. I stopped being a regular one year like that, I was going through my turmoil and wrote a comment someone replied me basically saying "go and die lmao", something like that. I got help somewhere else.
Stella SDK we want to follow up with this person please make it happen.
When you become even much better than the best please remember to encourage the young ones around you too. With what we see around us, ppl giving up hope, high rate of vices..Nigeria needs love more than ever before and people ready to give it with no motives are very few
It is well poster God bless you
Wide eye Arnie
So refreshing to read this. And from someone who has been through so much... Thank God you got help.
DeleteGod bless u too.