Hello BVs it's good to be back again. A very dear friend of mine died this week. it was so painful.
So today I want to gist about how some people can be so insensitive when consoling people, using 2 examples.
The first one was when my dad died. I cried, I cried everywhere. In secret and in the open. I was in my late 20s but I cried like a baby.
And different people came to console me, wetin I no hear.
" ha you are crying at least he died when you are matured. He has trained you in school mine died when I was in primary school "
" mine died before I was born I didn't know him at least you will have memories"
" this one you are crying like this is it not better your father than your mother"
" eyah the only thing is that he didn't wait for you get married, who will walk you down the aisle "
I didn't even reply these people I was just mourning my dad.
Then one day one came and said
" Iya beji you have cried for too long you might have eye problems. You have cried enough e don do. "
Na there I spark
ME: if I no cry when my papa die shey na when your own die I go come cry ? Obviously God gave us tears for a reason.
Na so I para for all of them, them come stop all those talk na "sorry O" " it's well " God knows best" Na I come dey hear.
Earlier this year a friend lost his wife after childbirth that was his fourth child.
So I went with another friend to visit him.
Men! the sorrow was so thick in the air you could cut it with a knife.
When I entered his house I went to where he was and started rubbing his back. I didn't say a word because really there were no words to console him. And from my experience I have come to understand that being silent and being there speaks a thousand words.
So while rubbing his back he looked at me and I smiled, he asked for my husband and I said my husband travelled.
Na lie ol boy dey house mind no gree am come. Abeg women we strong forget all these muscles men dey flex up and down.
So I just sat in his house for hours saying nothing but sometimes playing with the children. But wetin I no hear from people.
BVs please note that the wife had not been buried o. This one will come
" you know your children are still young no waste time before you marry again " ehn?
" bros wetin happen don happen see your new born baby, you be man you no fit take care of am you need a woman"
I just dey boil for where I siddon. These people won't let the man mourn his wife properly. Some were indirectly matchmaking and suggesting. Kai I wan provoke but as I wasn't family na I held my peace.
The man got tired at one point and said he will never get married again in his life. Come and see them rejecting it on his behalf.
Soon they were leaving one by one and just few of us were left.
The man kids came to the living room and they started talking with their dad. They were asking questions about their mum so I tried to say something else to divert their thoughts.
The man thanked me for that and said they have been asking strong questions
Few minutes later the kids asked another one.
KIDS: is mummy still in heaven
DAD : yes
(They started throwing questions left right and centre )
KID: When is mummy coming back,
does she not miss us again.
Can't she just come back for 5 minutes.
BVs that last question broke me, all the tears I had been holding came flooding I had to excuse myself.
Chai! Innocent children. They think their mom would come back. May her gentle soul rest in peace. My condolences iya ibeji. But why are Nigerians so insensitive? Look at their plans and thoughts for a mourning man that has not yet put his wife 6ft.
ReplyDeleteThe plans no be here
DeleteFor I know the plans I have for you, good plans and not of evil, to give you an expected end.. Na where the plans emanated from
DeleteFrom someone who just experienced loss let me just say that sometimes people don’t know what to say. There is nothing really that can console you. Sometimes people say the wrong things because they want you to look on the bright side but the truth is that at that moment you cannot see any bright side. Others are nervous. While some are uncomfortable this makes them react and say things that may come as insensitive sometimes it’s not on purpose.
DeleteMy baby just died. There was nothing anyone could say that was positive. But the doctor prepared me. He told me what I just wrote up there and it helped me cope with people saying things like ‘that was not your baby your own will come.’ This kind of situation cuts across cultures and countries. It’s not just Nigeria. Shit happens that’s life xxx
Ohhh may her his gentle soul rest in peace dear
DeleteThank you amen
DeleteSome people can be insensitive like that jare. I was reading and laffing all through till I got to d last part too.💔 Life!!!🙏
ReplyDeleteI recently lost one of my aunts too(she died a week before her twin girls clocked one). The pain, is so out of this world mean! . The mere fact that we are not going to see them again, is what is so heartbreaking. I remember her everyday and I pray for her.(that's all that can be done). Life is a sweet lie;while death is a bitter truth.
ReplyDeleteIt's well
DeleteThe pain of not seeing them again is the height of all pains.
DeleteTake heart dear
DeleteHmmmm-
ReplyDelete#So many Unanswered questions!
We don't have all the answers
DeleteThis post reminds me of when I lost my dad, People said soo many rubbish that when I remember some now I cringe.
ReplyDeleteOne woman who came visiting the next day looked at my mom and said thankGod that you are still young you can move on with your life and hopefully find a man to help take care of your children.
Another looked at my mom and said hope your husband built a house in the village because lagos rent is expensive, so start planning how to relocate to the village.
I over vex for the second woman, Me that I grew up in posh lagos should now move to the village because of what!
I ThankGod that most of their crazy and insensitive comments didn't come to pass and that was when I knew that Nigerians are very bad at sympathizing with the bereaved.
LEP😛
Sad story. IYA Ibeji Pls stop adding pigin English to your write ups your pigin is not smooth. It spoiling it. This a Friendly observation not hating.
ReplyDeleteSometimes friendly advise is not necessary . Take the meat leave the bone. Appreciate the article and move on
DeleteWell different strokes for different folks, I like the infusion of pidgin to her post.
DeleteIya please be consoled.
Death eeeeh!
Accept our condolence. may God give your friend and his family the fortitude to bear the loss.
ReplyDeleteAmen. Thank you
DeleteHeart breaking story.
ReplyDeleteIya Ibeji, your story reminds me of when I lost my Dad. I was in my final year then. That was a trying time as I was preparing for so many hurdles in life and only My dad could grant me that support and place the sweet icing on my cake, but then death took him just at the brim of our great plans for my future. The day it happened I was on holls in my Eldest brothers house, he came into my room when I was preparing for 6:30am Morning Mass, all happy, he just came in and said "Rowland, Bros P is dead" (He calls my dad Bros P) I was like "which bros P?" And he said "Daddy na. Mstcheeew," and walked out. It was his wife who rushed to grab me from falling and she just told him "Honey na wa for you oh, I told you I should be the one to break the news to him." You need to see calls on my phone. People I never knew came to pay condolence, all telling me not to cry that I'm a Man. I just looked at them and said to one "Does death care if you are a man, woman or animal? Abeg it's my cry let me cry it the way I want. Mstcheeew."
ReplyDeleteI Miss My Dad😭😭😭
Kpele
DeleteHey boo... How're you?
DeleteCry cry baby.
Delete@Great Lady:Daalu.
Delete@Beautiful Heart: Hey Dear. Been a while. How are you. I know this story by Iya Ibeji, of loosing someone close must have reopened the wound you were just trying to close. Take heart dear. Life is like a rose, it blossoms only to wither away. Oh! I'm fine.
Eeeeeyaaa!
Delete😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆@ it's my cry, allow me to cry the way I want.
Nice one Iya. Haven't really been consoled. I don't even go to burial ceremonies but I narrated a gist here of how my neighbors wife died two days after she finished her PhD.
ReplyDeleteLet me do a follow up to that story here...
But you can't really blame Nigerians and their way of sympathising. It takes someone who is enlightened to understand that silence is very golden at the moment of mourning.
And this also reminds me, do we still have some obnoxious culture about the dead in Africa?
So my neighbor's wife was supposed to be buried late October. After the contribution, he carried her body home for burial. I don't know the procedure of their culture but what I overheard, you perform burial immediately the person dies, it shouldn't be more than 7 days whether u have the money or not.
So when the family came together, the family of the woman said, their daughter was killed by the man for ritual and that she will not be buried within the 7 days so they will see what happens and that the coffin together with the body should be locked in a room(their family house) because they will call native doctors to confirm if he killed the woman. This the native doctor will do by cutting off some hair of the woman, some body part and mix it with some herbal drink like that. If the man is not innocent, he will run mad but if he is, he will go free.
The man refused and said, he will never do it together with an oath. The woman's family refused to believe that her only complaint was headache. And so they insisted that the man should prove his innocence.
How did I know? When they went to the village, another niegbour followed him as a witness to testify to all that he doesn't beat his wife or anything that would kill his wife. And also, he is supposed to come back with the date so he can organise others for the burial the man would remain in the village.
He came back and was gisting us. He said it was a big war because the woman's mother refused oo, she was para-ing, shouting, even threatened to kill the man if he don't return her daughter.
I know culture is the total way of life oh, but some of our African myopic culture needs to be shoved under the carpet. Why not they just let the dead rest in perfect peace. May her Soul rest in Perfect peace. Howdy Great Lady...
DeleteFunny if you check, most of those urging this man to get married will be women, same women will condemn their fellow woman if she tries such 3years after the death of her husband . We are so mean to our kinds! If the dead could see, who would be happy to see her husband start dating immediately she breath her last?
ReplyDeleteI went into a relationship with a widower whose wife's death was barely 10months. I felt a little awkward when he told me how early he had just lost his wife, but felt worse when I realised that he had even started a serious relationship that didn't work out like 2months after the woman's death. That killed the love I had for him as I kept wondering if he would even care to be there for me if I have a terminal illness, he'll probably just hasten my death and marry another.
It's a twisted society we live in where a woman is condemned for not mourning her husband properly, but a man is commended for being able to move on.
Shouldn't have opened this post. My wound is still fresh and thinking of how insensitive people were while "consoling" is not helping at all.
ReplyDeleteAnd they'll be saying "don't cry" "the one you've cried is enough" etc like they know how important the person was/is. Mtchew, lemme goan sleep abeg
Take heart dear. I know the feeling.... This too shall pass. God knows best
DeleteNawa o,people really need to learn how sympathize with others even d Bible say,mourn with those who mourn but it's quite unfortunate nobody wants to mourn anymore, everyone wants to speed up d process n move on quickly forgetting that it is in times like this we really see life for what it is.People are afraid of pain n what to shy away from it,d sooner we learn n accept dat pain is part n parcel of life, d better for.That's why we have so many emotionless people cos they are afraid to show emotions n it keeps eating deep in them.
ReplyDeleteSometimes sadness is better laughter, it may sadden u but it helps sharpen ur understanding.
@Last paragraph, so true
DeleteYea, it's really at such times we see life as what it is. Loosing someone that's so dear and that you have so many plans with teaches one the lesson that we are all gonna leave this earth one day in clear terms
Deletesympathy ,not really everyone really known how to go about it.some feels talking more really do much good
ReplyDeleteWhen I was barely 12, I lost my dad. I still remember the crowd, the pitiful stares, faces that held a thousand words.... a good man had passed on leaving behind 6kids for an ordinary teacher. The first barely 18 and the last, a four year old spoilt silly by daddy. She had no idea what was going on. I can not remember the exact words but someone mentioned how my very wealthy uncles would now be our 'daddies', our lives would be better, people would pity us, we would still be privileged kids..... and on they went about what our lives would be from then on. For griefs sake would they just keep quiet, would they let the widow cry without thinking about fees and all? As I kept my thoughts in my head, my twin shouted them down in tears, told them he did not want all that, 'I want my daddy back'. 'These uncles will never be daddy' and for the next seven days, they just prayed for us. In case you wonder, those uncles later made our lives hell. We almost completely lost our self esteem, lived in fear and all, that na nollywood script jor. But gratefully, we have scaled through. Its over 18years but I still want my daddy back.
ReplyDeleteNigerians are terrible at this, when my mum died some people visited my grandma and one said "thank God she had children " another said "thank God that she died that some people have mad children and are wishing for them to die ". Imagine! A friend lost her dad and she was crying as expected then one woman said what has happened has happened no need for tears. I wanted to slap her. Biko it's not compulsory to visit the bereaved and when you do please empathize, don't just say anything that comes to you head.
ReplyDeleteThat is how one woman came to my house when my dad died immediately she entered where my mum is the first thing she said hey upon all ur prayers yet ur husband died lol people not upto one year she lost her own husband
ReplyDelete