STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
BORROWING TO GIVE
My boyfriend can give for Africa. He can give you the last money on him even if it means walking home or not eating that day and I understand and love the fact that he gives, because I know givers never lack.
What is eating me up is that now he has started a new one. If someone asks him for money and he doesn't have he goes around to borrow and give the person knowing fully well the person might not pay back therefore we have to pay it back.
Someone just asked him for 20k now and he has just 10k but can you believe he has been calling me to help. I have tried explaining to him that even God sees his heart and he should give what he has and not what he doesn't but no o. If someone asks him tomorrow he will still borrow to give.
And its not like we don't have problems of our own o. We are trying to raise house rent and he would have given all the money out if not that I am with the money but that doesn't stop him from begging me to give him inside to give somebody.
Please how do I go about this because I know God loves a cheerful giver but what of someone who borrows to give. And at the end of the day we both have to raise the money to return.
*You give what you have not borrow to give..your man has a big problem oh....DO NOT marry someone like this until he changes this mentality of borrowing to give..otherwise consider this a one chance thing you are in...
Father christmas!
ReplyDeleteHmmmm
DeleteThis is serious. My Dad is like this but his own isnt this bad. You most likely cant do anything about it but rather try to curtail it.
You should always be in charge of the money, thats the only way
He needs to see a counsellor
ReplyDeleteYes something is wrong somewhere.
DeleteHaha...borrowing to give. If I hear! If you are not credit worthy, sorry I can't spare.
ReplyDelete#rollsmyeyes
My hubby used to be like that (though not this bad) but when kids started coming nobody told him to stop
DeleteYour boyfriend is a cheerfully stupid to the extent of borrowing.
ReplyDeleteI dont know why people dont have sense at all. When the Bible has already told us to be as wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove.
Your boyfriend should wise up because very soon, he will borrow you out to somebody because he wants to help.
Anyway na boyfriend no be horseband
He is not stupid, that's who he is, it is inert and his friends and neighbours are taking advantage of him.
DeleteMy younger sister is this, giving to make others happy is her joy. My other sisters buy her clothes, shoes, wristwatches and every other thing. They pay her pills.
She once gave a lady 280,000 to pay the school fees of her kids. Deliverance didn't work.
Last year we started isolating her friends, then we moved her out of the country. her friends in Nigeria dont have her contacts and they will never have it.
My mum was also like that but you never borrowed to give.
Pls keep talking and encouraging him and start isolating those friends who are taking advantage of his generousity
They are not yet married so it won't be easy isolating his friends. Even if they were married there is a limit she can go in that.
DeleteOnye-Oma CY...
ReplyDeletePoster,thank God he is just a boyfriend,start wearing your running shoes...
Don't ever marry his type!...
You will hear nwii for the marriage!...
His village people is at work!...they have made him useless!...
That is eh! Nka bu ezigbote NZUZU!!! Run as far as your legs can carry you abeg.
DeleteLol@ nwii
DeleteNa real Onye Oma CY! Lol
DeleteOnye oma Cy! I can't remember the last time I heard that. 😁😁😁
DeleteThis is strange. I think pride is what's eating him up. He don form big boy to all the people around him finish and guy man hs to act up to the standard he has set!
ReplyDeleteHe has a very big problem. You better leave him to rob paul to pay peter alone. Disaster waiting to happen.
ReplyDeleteI think your bf is not a wise fellow, he is the easy to use type that is why friends keep using him by asking him for help all of the time. He should wise up because to me that's stupidity not giving anymore because how can you borrow to please others and they won't pay back.he needs serious coaching
ReplyDeleteThank you sweetie. I also feel they know how nice and easy he is so they keep milking him. I'm just tired.
DeleteHe never marry you, you wan kill yourself. You just want to be the only person he spends on. Because he dey friend you, he shouldn't help people around him again?
ReplyDeleteAbeg shift go corner.
You always sound dumb!
DeleteIf you have nothing reasonable to say,then shut the entire fuck up!
DeleteDon read again. Did I say anything about not wanting to let him help people?
DeletePoster I'm not reading again, that's my conclusion. Leave him alone!
DeleteDteamidiot, go and kill yourself.
DeleteDundee United, you are dumb . So it is okay for the guy to go borrowing to please others, apoda.
DeleteI hope u are not the poster jumping all over to insult people. Seive through the advice and suggestions, pick the ones you can best work with. If you are the poster and you can't humble yourself to receive the good, bad and ugly comments that are prevalent online, then go and meet your pastor or your mother for advice. Bye!
DeleteWow.
ReplyDeleteI understand that it is in giving that you receive and also get blessed; but how does he give what he doesn't have?
His giving is unwise.
He needs to be re-orientated on the act of giving before he lands himself in major problems.
Marry him. Lol. I was like that, carrying other people kaya on my head, having sleepless nights because of others and sometimes going broke just to make others comfortable.
ReplyDeleteMy dear. Pause and watch. Life lessons is best understood if gotten through experience.
Really?? Hmmmmmmm! Cant displease maself to please people abeg.
Delete*Life's lesson
DeleteSugar please that your first paragraph summarises my life. Please help me out...how do i stop it.
DeleteOh honey drops. I am sorry but you can't stop. You just have to limit your involvement in other people's life... You see people coming with different sob stories that breaks your heart and as usual it is in your nature to listen and try to help.
DeleteWhat I do, which actually works for me is playing dumb. I force myself to ignore (does not work often but do work if the sober is lying. In the process of trying to sweeten their lie, they sometimes fumble).
Also, I give it TIME. You see, the longer we Live, the more we tend to understand things that were vague. I apply this concept in all my doings. A scenerio like "Oh sister I thought you were around I want to come crash at your place..... I will be like 'oh dear will next weekend be too late? Is it urgent? You are really stranded? Ok. Gimme 3 hours". 'sometimes' it turns out they have a back up plan and you place was just a 'lemme try idea' and before the 3 hours elapse, you will hear somethinglike.... Errrrmmm a Friend of mine called her aunt neice nephew, so I will be there. My late dad never gave money immediately. He has this 'one-week' time policy. Infact you don't buy him present or run errand for him if it is not your assigned duty.
Finally, instead of 'compartmentalising' the help (chai! See English), round it up. Ok fine! Aunty biliki needs money for breakfast. If I give her 500#, she will still need money for lunch and dinner. What I do is "Oh aunty please manage this one thousand. By God's grace next week will be better. Please I'm sorry".
Most times, we get satisfaction when we see people smile (not a priding something) but if giving is not done with wisdom, it leaves one completely drained.
#ChaiSugarYouSabiBook
Nice one sugar. And when you are empty there is no one to fill you up.
DeleteYour BF has a disorder period!
ReplyDeleteYou might need someone other than you to speak to him about it.
Babe I don't know who to ask that he will listen. He is distant from his family (parent separated when he was young and left him to fend for himself, he is the last born and all his elder siblings also don't care so he has been on his own. I know all of them and can call them but he doesnt value their opinion in his life. story for another day)...so who do I meet?
DeleteDoes he have a Mentor, or anyone he respects that you know of.
DeleteSince his family has been rued out, is there a Pastor, Priest or a good person that can make him see the error and foolishness of his nice ways.
That is the genesis of the problem! He gives because he has been through hell and won't want anyone to go throw what he went through.
DeletePoster since this is his story! All you can do is realize what you are getting into and let him know that he needs to cut back his giving. You can't stop him but maybe curb the excesses
Poster Mayb your boyfriend had issues with acceptance while growing up and this has affected his psychology. So he sees the need to give assistance to people so as to be accepted and appreciated. Thereby feeling relevant with the attendant appreciation. He needs to work on his esteem and appreciate himself. I used to be a pleaser and I realized how people took me for granted until I read a book titled breaking the pleaser habit. It wasnt an easy thing to say no to people. It was that bad that in school I will give out my pocket money and be stranded. Someone I borrowed money refused to pay me back and when I seized all hi documents, he brought police to arrest me.i learnt how to say no by force. Your bf must learn how to say no. If he will feel bad saying no then he should always send text to say no..he should always end by saying he wishes he could help but at the moment he cant
Delete@anon 16.56 I am just looking at it from your point of view and i guess that is the main reason behind all these. Thank you very much
DeleteYou boyfriend has Hero syndrome problem.
ReplyDeleteHe wants to be the saviour of other people's problems and that says a lot about him having a problem of his own
Talk to him, draw the lines and let him know that hes ruining his own chance at peace of mind, because a heart that owes is devoid of peace
If he doesn't change his attitude dnt marry him else you will be marrying into trouble
LEP😛
Hmmm. Thank you, i think I will munch this your reply and send to him.
DeleteAbeg I need him head can he borrow me😅😅😅 if he no get abeg make him find where he go borrow from. Continue allowing him to give his giving will pave way for him
ReplyDeleteOnye oma afo oma ya na akpu na ala.
ReplyDeleteBorrow and lend?
He need serious prayer.
I think he's just trying to keep up with a high standard he has shown to people around him.
ReplyDeleteGivers never lack..that I am very sure of and a witness to.
But borrowers never grow cos the evil cycle of paying back money doesn't allow for saving.
Your BF major issue is that he is concerned about what others think of him.He is a people-pleaser,don't get me wrong everyone has some people-pleasing tendencies—who doesn’t want people to like them or for people to speak highly of them.the feeling of needing approval and not wanting to say no is pervasive—and it's turning him into a compliant doormat. Have a heart to heart talk with him ,make him realize that saying yes does not make him a nicer person,it simply adds to his own overload.The surprising thing about refusing others (because it's not convenient for you) is that once you do it, people are not thinking about you; they start looking for someone else to do whatever they were asking you, seven out of ten times,you won’t be viewed as selfish or uncaring.offer to manage his finances, draw up a plan of his spendings in a month and money to borrow out should fall under miscellaneous.
ReplyDeleteI've been like this all my life. I give everything don't buy anything for myself. I gave my first salary 150k to my friend. I'm always of the opinion that someone needs it more than me. I gave my friend 150k for her to stat business. Her husband left her and her twins. My friend didn't start business, she said the children were sick, she was owing people before blah blah that was how the money finished. That was in 2014, I lost the job 2015 and realised I had no savings. I got another job last year that pays 60k. I've been trying to put myself first since then, I was earning 150k yet I didn't buy clothes, cars, House. The same people I was giving money were buying cars, lands and moving up. Now when anyone asks its like NO is my first name. I don't even think twice. A colleague came on Friday that she wants money for transport, two of them came one in my office the other in another unit. I'm sure the one in my office said go and meet Susan she will give you. I was actually about giving her the money then I realized aren't we working in the same organisations and didn't we all get salaries. I was very proud of myself. My new motto me, myself and I.
ReplyDeleteLearnt the hard way as well. Being kind sometimes makes some people tag you a fool. I just had to learn to say no and realise that I had to attend to my own issues.
DeleteHe doesn't know how to say no. This will become a great problem when and if you get married to him. If he can't stop it now, please find your way.
ReplyDeleteYour boyfriend is voltron, defender of the needy. I used to be like him but now I'm Aka aradite. I give only when necessary.
ReplyDeleteSit your boyfriend down and talk some senses into him that giving is good he has to give. But borrowing to give isn't a wise thing to do
ReplyDeletesend him a link to this post. What he is doing is extreme. If he continues like this, in future, he will be in serious debt and his friends will take advantage of him. He needs to stop it
ReplyDeleteIt's either people around your boyfriend are taking undue advantage of his large heart but small pocket or he's painted a wrong picture of himself to be someone who has more than enough to spare. In other to maintain this, he goes a borrowing. Whatever the case is, he had better receive some sense cos he'll soon fall and he's gonna fall real hard. The funny part is that when he needs help,no one may be willing to help him,they'll just come up with one excuse. Let him wise up and stop unwise giving.
ReplyDeleteCheerful giver indeed, you better talk sense into his head.
ReplyDeleteTell your boyfriend to pray to God for wisdom as he lacks it.
ReplyDeleteHe is a cheerful giver but going to the extent of borrowing to give is a no no for me. He cannot please everybody, poster if he is not ready to change please leave the relationship. No be now u go hear am oh.
ReplyDeleteGiving is good but when you go into dept to give then it a no no
ReplyDeleteBut in this case it depends who he is borrowing to help,if is someone who had one point go to the extreme for him then let him be.
People who are not emotionally intelligent find it very difficult to say no. Regardless of how high their IQ is.
DeleteJosephine the great
Poster you bf, is sure a giver but seriously he should displease himself so much to the extent of borrowing , MBAnu, nne , nke nwe kodi Biko.
ReplyDeleteThe way some people beg will almost mk u borrow. Even if u tell them u dnt have, they won't believe.
ReplyDeleteMost pple are broke and living on past glories, some hv assets , cars and house but d liquid cash isn't there but pple see them like rich people and wen they tell indending borrowers they do not have, it looks like they are the greatest liars.
The most painful part is that once u manage to give them a certain amount, they won't ever come back to appreciate thinking u did it on purpose.
U will be surprised that the borrowers will even be living 'the life' while u are there bitting ur fingers
#smh.
Your boyfriend suppose to know that nobody gives what he does not have.
ReplyDelete@I am Eze lol. Infact you hit it on the head. He is more of a people pleaser than anything.
ReplyDeleteBefore you go and start fighting a war, ask him what these people do for him. It might be really little like an errand boy that buys food for him at work or even a friend who used to borrow him car when he didn't have, or cover up for him when he is late to work. People like him, when you do ONE good deed for them they don't mind doing 10 back - and will always refer anyone that asks to that ONE time the person did XYZ. You have to let him know that he isn't God and isn't in the position to reward people for every of their good deeds. Yes, he can. But its not solely his responsibility. Once people catch that he is the type, they milk him with requests by doing little 'somewhat insignificant' good deeds for him. This creates more avenues for them to prick at his conscinece and ask for more.
My ex boss (i laugh as i think about it now) never used to let anyone even hold even his briefcase, not even his driver. Because he realised he was this type and as a man controlled it. He wont even send you to buy food for him, if he does that means its on your letter as a driver to get his meals when you are on duty and it is a signed contract, not a favour. He would warn you not to buy a birthday or christmas present for him. That was his own way of avoiding that feeling of being indebted to you, so that when you ask for a favour, he won't have to bend over backwards for you. Now everyone thought he was weird, but I only realised when i got him a massage chair for his birthday and he refused (initially). If i didn't probe I won't have this gist i am giving you now and would probably be saying he is a weirdo like everyone else. See?
So, don't start a war just yet. Ask, ask, ask and keep asking WHY. Find out the trigger of his extreme unreasonable generousity. Let's hope you dont find something that makes you go 'ojibijibi' - like blackmail, or them silently organizing side chics for him. lol.
I swear your last paragraph is another point for the poster to consider/investigate.
DeleteJudging from what you commented on the comment sectioin ,I think he went through pretty the same growing up and people helped him to get along. He might have probably promised God to help people if he helps him and that's what he's doing.But u should sit him down and tell him not to give what he doesn't have.
ReplyDeleteI used to give a lot. I would work hard for my money and give to those fake friends I felt were in need, not realizing they were taking me for a fool. Once I gave this girl that I felt was in need 50 euros only for her to show me the designers shoes she added her money to what I gave her to buy, me that I was working I was buying China shoes ooo. I felt like a total fool. Anyway stupid me I kept giving to people. I have spent more than 10.000 euros on fake friends and family, money that I could have saved. Guess what? When I lost my job none of my so called friends bothered to help or call. They all became distant. As I speak to you now I don't have any friends. My family too doesn't consider me anymore. Now I'm trying to save to complete my nursing course and when I finish and get a job I promised myself that I won't help anyone again. I rather save for a rainy day. We will all get old and I need to save for when I get old too. The only thing I will do is to give donations once in a while to the orphans and homeless and that's if I have made sure to take care of my own needs first.. That's it. No more giving to friends or other people around me. Now when my family calls me I tell them that I don't have. When I get a job too I'll keep telling them that what I earn is barely enough for me. Pls talk to your boyfriend and if he doesn't change leave him. Don't enter one chance marriage because you are blinded by love. He is in danger of putting both of u in serious trouble if he keeps borrowing and giving or giving instead of saving. Can you imaging that I almost became homeless? Where were those I helped? No where to be found. I almost became a prostitute but thank God I got out in time and found a place to stay and very soon I'l be moving to my own apartment. It's OK to be good but it's not OK to be a fool in the the name of helping others. In this life you have to learn to be a bit selfish if you want to survive and most importantly learn to say NO.
ReplyDeleteThis hits close to home 17:55, thanks for sharing.
DeleteBabe run abeggg.....
ReplyDeleteIts up to you sha,
You need to think it through.
I can't deal.
Poster.....sit him down and talk sense into his head. Some people like to be seen as good people but who has being good help......
ReplyDeleteMy dear run or if u can change him pls do, my dad is/was like that borrowing to give no investment anywhere not even land in evil forest, he went as far as selling his trucks to help his siblings family. Now we have nothing n my dad has disappeared 3 kids in finals uni, 4 kids dropped out both in sec n primary level, frustrated my mom with debts n now my can't boast of savings. My dear u don't want this life, 6 girls in all mom is always scared n praying we don't go astray
ReplyDeleteI think your boyfriend is living a false life (big boys tins) and is trying hard to live up to it. I.e after claiming big boy, when pple come for 'chicken change' of 30k, 50k etc, he has to find a way to give them to live up to the name.
ReplyDeleteOr, he could have inferiority complex or low self esteem and want to be seen as a good person and loved by all. As such, having large fan base.
If either, u have to cut off any financial assistance u give him. And make him take up his responsibilites w u, only then, will he be forced to grow up.
Don't pick up his bills, don't pay ur bills ( in cases where he is suppose to), when u go out, don't foot the bills.
Try hiding ur financial status from him and start demanding from him.
The things that are his responsibility, don't assist him w them for now. Like the house rent, etc.
Only then, will he change. If u don't change it now, IG anything happens to ur source of income, u will eat sand, cos u won't get a penny from him.
issa cheerful giver
ReplyDelete@Anon 18:37 eyyaaahh!! Where did he go to? Are you sure he is still alive? But that 'land in evil forest' bit made me laugh small.
ReplyDelete@Anon 17:55 na wa!!! even family?
Your boy friend to needs to borrow sense, let him know that is not only money he needs to borrow.anyway this is not God loves a cheerful giver this one is actually a sin. So watch your back Nne all is not well with him
ReplyDeleteThis is a case of bismabisma.... The Bible says love your Neighbor as yourself, not more than yourself. You can only do that in exceptional cases,when life or lives are involved. He needs some sense....
ReplyDeleteThis one pass me o. I give too, the best I can do if i dont have is to direct you to someone who may like to help. Me i cannot borrow to give.
ReplyDeleteIs too bad for him to borrow money and give to someone, let him give what he has not to borrow and give.
ReplyDeleteMy kinda of people
ReplyDeleteBiko........ How do I get my girl back
ReplyDelete