STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
BIRTH CONTROL IMPLANT
Hello Stella. I love your interactive blog and funny blog members.
Hello Stella. I love your interactive blog and funny blog members.
Please I need urgent advice on an issue that is really taking a toll on me.
I am in my mid 20s, married to a man 10 years older and we are blessed with a 20 month old baby. Few months after our wedding I noticed that my husband is self controlling, jealous and feels he is always right .
He makes sure that all blame will be on me when we argue or have issue, thereby making me feel like a stupid wife. Most times I feel i am being abused emotionally.
Currently I don't have a job. He does provide money monthly for the upkeep of our son and the home. We ain't in a comfortable place financially in life yet but we thank God and believing things work together for Good for us.
Recently he started talking about baby number 2. Personally I don't think I am ready for baby number 2 because of two reasons. First, He does not treat me right. I want to be treated with love and respect just like the way I do to him. Secondly, I am of this ideology that no child should suffer, because he or she did not ask for you to bring them to this world.
Therefore, if you have the capability to currently take care of just one then don't plan to have more until you are ready. I have discussed these with him but he has a different ideology (he has this African mentality of saying God said you should multiple.God will provide what they will eat. Then so shall it be).
So now I am thinking of getting an implant as contraception without telling him. Do you think it's a good idea, should I go ahead or just take in. Please protect my identity. Stella, I need your red pen. Blog members, I need your sincerity.
Thanks in anticipation.
*He who wears the shoes knows where it pinches.....
How come you discovered all these things "few months after marriage?"
ReplyDeleteYou did not have any courtship or you just offered vagina all through; no time to study his character?
The underlining factor here is "not well off financially"
Once the money isn't flowing like before, the woman sees the husband as a beast, controlling, and he becomes emotionally abusive". Please ma'm, tell yourself the truth.
See blame like say you know the poster. You self-righteous people on this blog just carry sex for head like say that's all women have to offer, I won't be surprised if you're getting fucked today.
DeleteFor fuck's sake he/she is telling the truth... Why do u people always tag truth Sayers as judges?? Come on...
DeleteI stand with Stella on this so that you won't turn around to blame us tomorrow when things go sour. You know the type of man that you married so do what won't cause you pain tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteIn a few years time, you will be the one screaming for another child; when the biological clock nears midnight.
ReplyDeleteI understand, money don finish fa?
ReplyDeleteThe man don become beast.
Like I always say, what exactly do you people discuss before jumping broom? Marriage is not something anyone should rush into because you may end up rushing out. He is older than you with 10 years, meaning in his eyes he should have had kids running over the house meanwhile a woman needs to rest after having a baby. Didn't you two discuss how many kids and spacing before marriage? Sometimes instead of coming to the blog to expose your partners selfishness why not talk to them and you both can agree as a couple in the best way that would make both parties happy.
ReplyDeleteIf you were single I'd give you the thumbs up to protect yourself by getting the implant but you're married and couples shouldn't be secretive because if he finds out he'd never trust you again. Talk it out with him and tell him the reasons why you want to wait a while before having another baby. You people see all these signs before marriage but ignore it so you can be a Mrs somebody. You'd be fine.
Nailed it
DeleteNow you're making sense... Keep commenting without prejudice and see how high you'll soar..
DeleteMy sister men can change o! See my husband agreed to all my terms when we were courting but na different ball game now.
DeleteMarriage is deep.
Why don't you just have one more at least before halting for a while?
ReplyDeleteI am saying this because some men are funny.
You codedly insert an iud without his knowledge, in his head he thinks somehow you've gone 'barren' (given that he always feels he is right like you stated) and then he goes out to try out with another woman and before you know it some woman is preggas for him. What then will you say?
Just be wise. Don't make rash decision based on the emotional state you are in. It will blind you from thinking not just outside the box but like there is no box.
May financial upliftment locate you and your household and I pray for a turnaround in his behaviour towards you.
Poster 1st of all, you married a manipulative man, I know the feeling cos I dated one. He will turn the table around and make it all your fault, even when its obvious it isnt your fault. 2ndly, go and do the implant, but dont do it and stay ideal, do it and make sure you get something doing. But you saw this trait in him before you married him. Pele poster.
ReplyDeleteAll these bitter women on this blog! So because he wants another child , the man is now manipulative abi.
DeleteUna well done ooo
Poster, when u destroy ur marriage, I'm sure ull come back here and ask for another advice.
Madam do you!
ReplyDeleteIt is you that knows what you want. If you can, take the contraceptives and you might want to do for 2 years before you take in.
ReplyDeletesorry about your horseband not treating you right. Men self may God help women. The way things are going in this world, it is just bad.
stop treating your husband like a baby, he should be the one to pamper you as a baby that you are.
Abeg let me try and see if i can read for this exams. Carrying books to office, carrying it back again without opening.
I will read comments.
ReplyDeleteBut what is it with all these early 20s,mid 30s, late 40s,etc.? Does it mean you don't know your age?
That's how someone will say I'm twenty something, 30 something, 50 something etc.. What is that something??
Nna shift small *sits*
DeletePoster, all I can see is a couple who didn't have the necessary discussions prior to the decision to get married. See ehn, the issue is that he wasn't very financially stable before you married. But it didn't matter because you were a single girl with options and maybe a job. Now you're married, no options and you had to leave your job to face your home- with no financial plan. So it's making you sad and most likely putting him under pressure.
No of children, spacing of children need to also be discussed before marriage. If he wanted kids back to back you would have known and accepted or declined based on your preference.
He suddenly doesn't treat you right? You didn't notice before or you just rushed to get married and then date later? #isokay
I can't advice you to use any contraceptives without his knowledge because well.... I am one of those who don't believe in deceit - any form of it. But Na you wear shoe nooni. So let's hope the main gist in this chronicle is that people need to ask all askables prior to. 😊
There's absolutely nothing wrong with him trying to have kids back to back. If he was married to a woman who wanted same, she would even be the one saying he should come and put Biko. But you don't want that. And how come you're just knowing that you don't want that, while he does? To me oh.... you better drop the next baby like it's hot in your vagina.
DeleteDid we read the same text? Where did you see that she had a job then quit it for marriage? @chikito... your assumptions are on another level o. I had to go up to read again.
DeleteLol @world poeple Your assimilation is probably on an even more annoying level.
DeleteDidn't you see 'maybe'? Or are you the poster?
Poster I'll give you my sincere opinion,if you live in at least 2bedroom house/flat,you can afford 3 BALANCED meal a day,can buy diapers and baby food and pay antenatal bills and delivery fees,please feel free to birth another baby. You may keep waiting to be VERY comfortable before having children and the comfort you seek might not come now. If you can't afford what I mentioned above please have a heart to heart talk with him and make him see reasons with you. PLEASE DON'T GO AND DO FAMILY PLANNING WITHOUT HIS KNOWLEDGE.
ReplyDeletesomething tells me that it's because of your husband attitude that you don't want more children #myopinion
Sense talk..
DeleteNailed it
DeleteGood advice.
DeleteWord.
DeleteMadam, I like you. You have sense.
ReplyDeleteDon't hospitals seek for consent from spouse if you want to do such procedure?
What do I even know?
All the best to you.
What kind of rubbish consent. Will he be d one to carry d belle. That how my anty just died like a chicken after her doctor warned her not to have another baby after her 3rd one because of her high blood pressure but d idiot husband insisted he cannot have only one son n forced himself on her n still got her preggy this was after series of family meetings and both sides agreeing to no more children. She and the child died during childbirth. That man still disgusts me. RIP anty Chinó.
DeleteTake heart Koko, but this is different... I think d only reason d poster doesn't want to have another child is due to lack of finance.. I insist she wouldn't be hesitant if her husband were "richer"... TGW. please input your opinion on this. I'd like to know your perception...
DeleteSherikoko, please take heart. I understand how you feel.
DeleteYour Aunt's case is different. This particular poster is doing this because of finance not health issues.
If the poster wants to use contraceptive without the husband's knowledge, it cannot be IUD - because he will feel it poking him during the main action ( talking from experience of having used IUD for 8 years), you cannot use Implanon, he might see it on your arm, plus the hormonal changesight alert him to something
DeleteBest bet is probably get on the pill.
But I would sincerely advice that you have the 2nd child, get that out of the way - so to speak and then concentrate on a career. Pray that your 2nd baby brings you god luck and God's grace
It is a very bad idea. Your husband needs a child give it to him. Are you the head of the home? Are you the one providing? From what you posted the answer is obviously NO. At least with the little he has he still provides for the home that's to say he is a capable and responsible man. Not everyone must be stinkingly rich just be comfortable and you are.
ReplyDeleteYou're still young in marriage and getting to know each other better. Not the dating type where some characters will be hidden. Learn to understand him and your responses should be polite. Someone once said if couples can pass the first 5 years together understanding each other without divorce then there's a very high chance the marriage won't head in divorce at a later time. Its not every time looking for escape route.
Don't be too much attached to all the chronicles here that you think the safest thing to do is to run away when faced with little challenges. Challenges will definitely come, how you handle it is what matters.
Real talk.. God bless u Minnie..
DeleteSister please preach and preach and preach until your husband gets it! There is no point bringing in an extra life into this world when you can't take care of such child. He is already abusing you emotionally. With an extra child bringing in extra expenses I can assure you he will be worse off. I hope it doesn't escalate into physical abuse.
ReplyDeleteIf he still refuses to understand or still wants to be a dick about it, then please do what's best for you ( and your family by extension) without his consent. Do not even tell him a thing because from the looks of it he can hurt you for getting contraceptives. Just make sure you don't get an implant that would cause you too much discomfort or give obvious side effects.
The way marriage scares me these days though...
I dont mean a permanent sealing but a contraceptive for the interim until things stabilise financially.
DeleteOnly in SDK will you see the inexperienced advising the experienced in something they no nothing about.@ poster its only your version that we have, you come here and paint your husband bad. The man is doing his best for you and you are plotting how to pay him back with evil. Trust in God and in your man. What's your definition of 'comfortable'. You are following lies on this blog. I pity your marriage and husband. God and do implant and when you will be looking for another child then you would remember this day. Nonsense
DeleteIt's all about the money... Smh, u girls are just too shallow minded..
Delete@JustBeingHonest shallow you say? please educate me, what else would it be about? How else would they take care of themselves? Why would children be brought into a home where there are numerous cracks, unhappiness, doubt and money isn't guaranteed to take care of everyone? You say I'm shallow I'll say you're ignorant and daft.
DeleteAnon 17:01 don't worry before I'll comment next time I'll make sure I'm over 70 with at least 50 years of professional marriage experience. I've had people around me, friends and family in marriages and I've heard their stories, seen their pain and gotten words of wisdom. I've worked with women who have a thousand and one stories concerning marriages and even some men who have seen pain in marriages. I've seen kids almost ruined because they were born into faulty homes and some deformed and scarred for life. So when I comment it's based on what I know. It's left for the poster to choose whatever best suits her situation. Understood?
Go for the birth control
ReplyDeleteDo for 2years
Yes,he should learn to treat you right if he wants another child
What is it with people that are not financially buoyant with having many kids? Some of the sufferings of today can be avoided if people learn to plan
Don't bring any child into the world to suffer
That's sheer wickedness.
I don't know what to say to you...
DeleteI don't mean this in a bad way, but I'm just perplexed at your stand on this... You're reiterating the same thing she's said.. If the husband had more money, she'd have gladly overlooked his shortcomings.. My opinion anyways..
DeleteI guess you would rather she gets pregnant and have another baby even as they're not financially capable.
DeleteAnd to top it, he treats her with disdain.
You can't be financially handicapped and be a bad husband put together.
Hello poster, i assume Stella meant you know best in this situation. You are the one to carry the baby not him, taking care of a baby is draining either financially or emotionally. you need to let him know your plans about getting birth control because if he eventually finds out, you might not get the respect you crave for. Politely explain how you feel without nagging, you can also convince him by providing a timeline you both can agree upon like a year or two. Good luck
ReplyDeleteMy dear, get an implant and do NOT tell him about it. Until you find a job and you are sure that you are able to fend for an additional child.
ReplyDeleteYou need help... It's her husband, not a boyfriend..
DeleteYou know he will be feeling it, don't you?
DeleteDear Postér,
ReplyDeleteI think you should get a job and support your hubbs to ease the financial strain/burden in the home.
You honestly cannot tell how your body will react to the implant so i will say dont do it. You also didnt say when you intend to have the nxt child.
#My case is different
I am so not in the mood for this your rant. Blood of Jesus! How much is combination 3? (100 stupid naira per pack) Take 1 per day. It does not fail
ReplyDeleteIn this present age and time one overflowing spermy man would want to chuk and multiply just like that without proper planing.? Nebuchadnezzar!
Aunty you sef enh... Na wa you o. Carry your crayfish leg go hustle na. Shuuuuu. (Pardon my yabbing this ewa agoyin is too sweet 😁).
He is jealous, controlling and authoritative? No problem! You don enter, you don enter. Use it to your favour... Look for his weak point mehn. Don't argue with this type of men. They want to be in charge, be weak.
Once in awhile when he is done venting at that desperate point of visiting Israel, drag his blood, massage, S & L it and demand for an apology if that would smooth your ego.
Life is not hard, enjoy your marriage.
Combination is not good o! I and my colleague had our ugly experience with combination. Be warned!
DeleteMy sister run to hospital and do it quickly without his knowledge until u get something doing. He will never change his character. I am talking from experience.
ReplyDelete@ Poster you are on the right part.
ReplyDeleteIf you bring in a second child and your hubby does not change his attitude and finances don't improve?
I can't even begin to imagine the hell you will go through.
All the best and keep us posted.
Poster pls if u know he's not financially stable to cater for another child,pls don't take in cos u aren't doing anything urslef.. Wait till things improve b4 u proceed to child no2...don't go and brng a child into dis world to suffer abeg...
ReplyDeleteMadam, you need to talk and converse with your hubby. you need to make him understand what's in your mind not assuming he knows. you know foundation at times affects people; it affects how they treat their spouses in future. when you are married to some certain kinds of men, that's when you will understand.
ReplyDeleteU married ur grandfather,what do u expect? Love birds galore? He played his own romance 10yrs ago.
ReplyDeleteOh Chisos!
DeleteGbammest! Root of the matter. She doesn't get attention and doesn't feel loved. Oga is old school kikiki
DeleteThe only reason she doesn't want another child is because she feels like leaving the marriage. With one child, it's easier, with 2 or more, she will feel more stuck
DeleteHmmmmm
Poster,.did I get that right?
Why not add one to it to make it two then you can go for the implant? We are in Africa and this your reasons won't work not when u only have one child. Look for a job to support the home.
ReplyDelete👌👍spot on
DeleteAs you like it
ReplyDeleteMy dear if he gets to know what you did at his back..You will regret it more..Why not tell him no matter what..
ReplyDeleteTalk, Talk, Talk to your Husband!
ReplyDeleteThis are issues that are handled during courtship, to know if the two of you are to a large extent agreeable on essential issues.
ReplyDeleteHowever most times we get carried away by butterfly love and don't get to have even meaningful conversations, abd worse still sex, sex, sex away the time till wedding, while others are in a hurry to answer Married.
Singles pls make your bed while the sun shines.
Poster, your decision, your choice,but it would be better you too find a middle ground, to avoid complications and mistrust issues in the future.
Just close eyes and add another one and know you through with child birth before implanting anything, your husband that knows you are not working and wants another child will have to carter for the family
ReplyDeletePoster, In my opinion, you are on the right and sensible path. If I were in your shoes, I will do same without telling him if i see that he is being unreasonable. However, you need to be prepared for some of the consequences of your action - him getting another child outside your marriage. If he is hellbent on having another child, he will get it however, and that may be through another lady outside as he may be thinking there is a problem with your reproductive system because of the (implant and) delay with conceiving.
ReplyDeleteMore importantly, I do not know how much you can tolerate his disrespect and oppressive nature and not to sound pessimistic, if the marriage breaks down, it helps if you do not have too many children as you stated you do not have a job at the moment. For your self-respect and perhaps to encourage your husband to respect you, please get a job asap, even before you have another child.
All the best.
My dear how sure are you he cant take of two kids. Some men pretend always to be broke because they think it is not a good thing to live a comfortable life. My Dad did this, maybe your husband has this mentality, coupled with the affection and male ego he exhibits, I think that is your case. Sis, the easiest of the solution you have now is to try and make your home work and wisely take charge since he is not physically abusive. Your tonr sounds like someone thinking of leaving thr marriage. Take charge of your home wisely. That is feminism. I think you guys can manage with 2 kids. Dont let that be a barrier. Wisely and loyally take charge of your home.
ReplyDeletePoster I know what is on your mind, you want a child you can be able to take of yourself incase both of you seperate, this is what some women don't always think of when they are married to abusive or manipulative men, they will end up having 5 kids and if there husband abandon them they will suffer. A lady left her husband with a child bcos her husband was always beating her, and she told me that what if she had 2 or more kids how will she be able to take care of them cos now she is in her father's house and she doesn't have enuf money and her parents are even managing sef in this recession.
ReplyDeleteSo many home breakers here.anyone that tells you to keep such a big thing from your husband wants to destroy your home. Communication is very important in marriage, even if that man is 20 years older than you he makes love to you,so you should be able to sit him down and talk to him. Be sensitive enough to know when to bring up a discussion. Try to get get a job and have one more child before an implant, some of these things have side effect. Your marriage is still young,work things out, be determined to enjoy your home.
ReplyDeleteMy dear I understand how u feel but don't ruin ur marriage by urself if he wants more baby discuss with him cos that might be an excuse wen something goes bad
ReplyDeletePoster please go out and get busy
ReplyDeleteLook for a job no matter how small the money is.
you ain't providing anything in the house, you are just at home nursing a grown child?
Make Good use of ur self, atleast provide some of the things in the house, even if its baby's biscuit, ribenna, also to take care of yourself.e.t.c.
Ehen na, he will tell u to prepare for baby number 2 because you are obviously idle.
Don't implant any contraceptive without his knowledge
Contraceptives sometimes comes with complications, if u dnt tell him before you insert it, when there is complications (I dnt pray for there to be any), can u still hide dat from him?
If he finds out, dat will be another problem. Den u will write another chronicle.
Don't allow him make u feel less of yourself. He wants to win arguments rite? Let him win.
My own is just get busy.
NOTE-- marriage is not a bed of roses.
I pray God gives you strength to carry on.
Try to get something doing. No matter how small
ReplyDeletePlease don;t do implant. A friend of mine did and she regret it. Only do implant when you know you don't want child again. Better still go to a qualify doctor and get examined to know the one that suits you.
ReplyDeleteI wish you well
Its well
ReplyDeleteDear poster, hear the story of one who was once in ur shoes. I got married at the age of 22. At 23, I had my first child, my husband's controlling nature and stinginess was irritating to say the least. I was still in school then and I made up my mind not to have more babies till I graduate and get a job. Honestly, I didn't use any birth control ; the fact that I was schooling in another state made sex a one off thing. I got pregnant once and terminated it, my sisters were privy to it and encouraged me cos they all knew what I was going through. What I didnt know was that I had PCOS,the earlier I had my babies,the better for me. Long story short, it's been 15 years now and am yet to get pregnant after that one I terminated.
ReplyDeleteWhat am I saying ? Anyone who has not been in a bad marriage may not understand what it means to be in one and the ideas it puts into ur head as you grapple with surviving. I totally understand you and I will advice you thus: have your babies, whatever number you intend in your own mind to have. Give them max, two years spacing. Endure whatever you have to endure and have your kids then get into the business of taking care of yourself and your kids. That is when you ll need that implant not now. Bless.
Very wrong advice
DeleteTerrible one
Do not use your case to advise, learn to think objectively.
KING XOXO MYSTERY
Poster you need to listen to your intuition. For you to type this, you have doubts about this man, and I honestly think you should listen to them. You need to discuss contraceptive options with a trained health worker(but the implant is a good one, and you can always take it out early). You also need a job or trade.please also consider that if he truly wants another kid, his behaviour will probably get worse when you don't conceive or he might get one from outside. Is it actually possible for you to sit and talk to your husband / are there people he might listen to? Is there a chance you guys could get some marital counselling? Marriage is hard and comes with all sorts of challenges. Do all you can to try to make it work, but asking that you be respected is not unreasonable.
ReplyDeletePoster......Doppelganger make sense and I also agree with Bloglord that you should have one more child before thinking of having an implant.
ReplyDeleteSee marriage is not a bed of roses ohhhhhh, you must always try to meet each other half way. He wants another baby give him, your son too will be happy to have a sibling to play with in the house. After the second child then discuss family planning with him, I believe he would give you the go ahead then. Then you too can brace yourself up and get your CV out there.
Stay happy dear.....
Exactly Stella...
ReplyDeleteWe aren't living with you guys, neither do we know your financial strength.
chim-oma a.k.a. Miss Kapusu
Do not ever bring a child into a bad situation. A baby will not make any man who treats you bad to suddenly start treating you in a good manner.
ReplyDeleteWork on your marriage to bring the love and respect. Get a job to support the financial status of your family. When everything is okay then get pregnant.
If you go ahead and get pregnant in that bad situation, unfortunately if the chips are down, you will be left to cater for those children without a job while he goes to marry a brand new woman and start another family.
Look at RnB act, Keke Wyatt(Dunno if I got the spelling of her surname) she was recently left by her husband after eight children and she is pregnant oo. She confessed her husband has been cheating on her for a while maybe she thought giving birth to more children will make a bad situation better until he told her he is leaving.
I didn't type all that to scare you but sometimes a woman knows when a situation is bad. There is something called womanly instinct. Start praying, get a job, work on your marriage, discuss with your husband and don't go behind him to get an IUD, find a way to persuade to give you time.
All the best.
KING XOXO MYSTERY
Yes do it but get a IUD. It's non hormonal and he won't feel it under your skin. If you're not working and he's barely able to carry the load and is already emotionally abusive, no need to complicate matters or further tie you down with another child. My dad did the same to my mom. She said he was only verbally abusive when it was just number 1 by the time me number 4 came, he was brushing her weekly and telling her that no ma would have her after 4 children. Every time she wanted to get back to work or start a business he'd come with a new baby. He was making more and more money so it wasn't frustration causing it. Eventually he started using money to punish her. He'd refuse to pay school fees and give her a quarter of the feeding allowance for the house. And my mom almost ran mad because nobody believed he could mistreat her since he pretended so much. Please just try and wait small to have number 2 for financial reasons and general well being.
ReplyDeleteAbeg follow Stella advise. Chikena
ReplyDelete