Hmmmm...
STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
SERIOUS ADVICE NEEDED
This is why I decided to bring this issue that has been giving me sleepless nights and driving me insane.I believe other women like me will learn because I discovered we are many here.
I got married to a loving and caring man few years back, but as I type this, I am now a shadow of myself because of this same man. He is jobless and frustrated, bitter and angry and so decided to torment me with it.
I got married to a loving and caring man few years back, but as I type this, I am now a shadow of myself because of this same man. He is jobless and frustrated, bitter and angry and so decided to torment me with it.
Things took a bad turn for him financially and I now take care most things in the house through my small earnings, this make him to complain at everything I do, he nags and scolds me for hours, saying so many bad things to me that I won't amount to anything in lfe, that I will live in pain and regrets, etc, he also threatens he will take my child away and hurt me then he will leave me.
if I leave him now, they will say its because he doesn't have money, I have tried talking to him but its not working. I want to report him to his people, is it ok? How do I go about it pls? We have never reported each other to anyone before. Also, how do I handle him as I don't even know what to do. I'm a very peaceful person, I normally keep quiet when he starts to avoid it turning to beating because he have never beat me before.
We have only one child together. His family loves me so much because he tells them from the beginning how supportive I have been to him. Before we got married, he was working as a cab driver, I was also working in a company but he was very loving and caring, he doesn't womanise up to this moment. I snoop and all, nothing, doesn't keep late nights, doesn't get drunk but he did not attend higher institution and did not learn any trade. So I married him because he was also hardworking and ambitious.
My people warned me not to marry him as I'm from a poor background, they wanted me to marry a rich man but I let them know his good qualities and that I would remain unmarried if I don't marry him. They succumbed. Now that things have gone bad, I can't tell even my mum anything. His car that he used for cab gone, he later worked as a driver sometime ago but was owed salaries, worked as a security guard too and so many other things including going to building sites to work. He has now changed to a different man. I no longer have peace, I cry most times.
Stella and bvs pls advise me on how to handle this.
Stella and bvs pls advise me on how to handle this.
if I leave him now, they will say its because he doesn't have money, I have tried talking to him but its not working. I want to report him to his people, is it ok? How do I go about it pls? We have never reported each other to anyone before. Also, how do I handle him as I don't even know what to do. I'm a very peaceful person, I normally keep quiet when he starts to avoid it turning to beating because he have never beat me before.
Pls advise me on what to do as this his behaviour is killing my feelings for him.
Thanks.
Thanks.
No be small thing.
ReplyDeleteStart ignoring him, maybe he will pick a hint that his be behaviour is getting to you. Don't talk or even greet him...hopefully he won't grow violent. . It doesn't work, please report to his people telling them you love him and it's not because he doesn't have money now but you are sad, explain your chronicle here. Wish you all the best.
DeleteHav you given him a very good heart warming sex recently? Think about it
You're asking her to totally snub her husband?? Worst advise I've seen here. If you see this dear poster, talk to him first. I feel it's an ego thing(all men have huge egos). When a man isn't providing for his family as he should, he becomes frustrated. I personally think he's taking out his frustrations on you, not your fault or his, just caused by predicaments. Talk to him (heart to heart), reassure him you're with him for better or worse. Let him know the woman he loved so dearly to marry wouldn't run off cos of the current situation, just reassure him of your love & support. Please keep Stella posted, it'll turn out good if u follow this...
DeleteDaddy Cole you are a sound man, great advice. Dear Poster, kindly adhere to this advice.
DeleteLet me also bring to fore certain things happen without the woman knowing. Psychologically woman are not programmed to be bread winner (especially African women). It is not a bad thing, its just the way society has wired them. Just like men are wired not to back a baby even though it's not wrong.
When women become bread winners, they change without even being aware, they nag more, gets confused easily, are more sarcastic and responds hotly to arguments. The man who is already frustrated with low self-esteem at this time notices this change and thinks in his mind this woman is wicked and a pretentious person. Then he responds by becoming more aggressive and authoritarian to exert himself when what is actually required is recommunication and reassurance.
The truth is that both of you have changed. The remedial actions to take are:
1. Choose a day for reconciliation
2. Cook his favourite meal and call him on phone all through the day
3. In the evening have a heart to heart talk with him
4. Tell him things he is doing that hurts you and ask things you are doing that hurts him
5. Then reassure him that this is a passing phase and you will always love him.
The fact that your husband was once a nice man is an indication of a responsible person hence he will appreciate these efforts.
Though your problem won't go away 100% but my dear alot of things will change for good.
Pharaoh d 7th,daddy code,your sources of wisdom n understanding will never run dry,poster consider the points highlighted here.good luck to u in your marriage & life generally.
DeletePlease keep on praying for him, I pray this change for the better.
ReplyDeleteSweethrt, ur husband's attitude is as a result of his frustration. It's a pity most men begin to nag this way when they begin to lose their grip on their position as the Provider of the home.
DeleteSo it's nothing personal. It is just him reacting and responding to the situationship. If u love him, pls stay back and support him. Love him. Be patient with him. Ever heard of for better for worse? This is it...the 'for worse'.
U made a vow before God to stick with him through it, now is the time to make good that vow. Life's full of ups and downs, so believe it when I say that this is only a phase. This too shall pass.
Rather than scheming on how to leave him, pls scheme on how to tolerate him and love him the more irrespective of him being difficult. He has never hit u, right?
He needs u now more than ever and truth is ur leaving him will make him more devastated and prolly suicidal, and I'm sure u wouldn't want that.
Bear with him. Pray for him. Stick with him. Encourage him. Both of u should sit down, put ur heads together and think up a business idea or something, it could be a food business, sell zobo etc; concoct a way forward. That's what u should be doing now.
I trust that when he sees things moving again in his life, he will return to normal. His ego is being bruised by his state of stagnancy and he is not reacting well to it. It's a pity he is allowing it affect the ones he loves.
Be patient.
Mitchelleobatu.blogspot.com
👏👏👏 nice comment, u just said it as it is..
DeletePoster this is ur advice
DeletePlease keep on praying for him, I pray this change for the better.
ReplyDeleteYou gave your pple reasons why you will marry him!
ReplyDeleteIf I were ur mom, you will remain there.
Lol.
DeleteKikikiki bad mouthed blackberry!
DeleteCommit everything to God
ReplyDeleteYou better dont keep quiet or you will end up dead. He should not take his frustrations on you. You are not the cause.
ReplyDeleteCab driver as in taxify or na oga ashewo he be?
Go and tell anyone that he is close with and listen to. Tell him you will leave him if he does not get his acts together. you are with the knife and yam, you better chose 1
Hmmmmm
ReplyDeleteI don't advise 3rd party interference in relationships or marriage because after you do the first time they'd be expecting you to come to them everytime.
ReplyDeleteAn idle mind is the devil's workshop. I have seen many people in sunken places due to job loss and inadequacies to make ends meet. It is not a new thing and I understand how he feels perfectly. If words don't work then let action do the talking. Like you said he wasn't nt this way when you met and married him until he lost his job. Only lazy men pride themselves knowing their wife is the bread winner,he is a good man reason it hurts him seeing you take over his position. Although he is going about it the wrong way, he doesn't know better and that is why he has you to pull him out of this sunken place. Instead of reporting him and aggravating his problems, why not run around to raise money for him to start something. Speak to people, make more efforts and encourage him too. Leaving him isn't the best option,seeing as he doesn't enjoy staying home while you work. Please and please ignore the devil. Talk to him again and suggest ways you both can make things better. Two heads are better than one. Sort this out as a couple and see God come through. Encourage him to take God seriously, fast and pray. I know a family friend this same thing happened to, he is very intelligent and traveled abroad for masters.came back and yet no job. Sometimes the battles we face are not ordinary. Together you can achieve more.
For the first time, I agree with u.. Well said.
Delete@ Daddy code, why are you parading yourself on this chronicle?? Is it about u...mtcheww
DeleteIs time you open up to your family and his family too, cannot keep on holding things to yourself alone, since heart to heart discussion with him is not working try talking to his family and your own family. Forget what your family will say, who knows someone may assist in giving him a job.
ReplyDeleteI have also noticed that when a man cannot provide for his family he becomes something else, you are a good woman keep praying for your husband, but if there is any little miracle your way please advice him to go to school or learn a trade.
My father was always humble when he was broke. Na when money dey him pocket he dey show himself.
Deletebia woman,i think is the 'no money' issue that making u write this epistle...u worry becuase he has gone broke...better stick there oo
ReplyDeleteWas he rich before?
DeleteMost men can't handle being jobless. The solution is finding something for him to do but we all that Nigeria now is not favorable at all. I don't even know what to say.
ReplyDelete"if I leave him now, they will say its because he doesn't have money" but according to you, there was no money from the onset. Are you sure you've not been giving him attitude? As the bread winner now, I know how some women will change from a loving wife to a demon immediately the table turns in the family. If your hand is clean, and you still love this man, then sit him down and have a heart to heart talk with him, if that one proves nothing, then report to his people. If you leave him now, I'll also join people to accuse you of running away because he's now poor.
ReplyDeletePele o ,make sure you tell his people everything dont die in silence. Have u also tried talking to him one on one? If when you tell his people and nothing possitive comes out of it,my dear take ur child and leave. life is too short to be frustrated and unhappy o. let ur family know as well. And make sure u dont marry a poor man in ur next marriage.
ReplyDeleteHe's not cheating and he's not beating you. I am happy to hear that.
ReplyDeleteNow I know words can hurt more than any form of beating but I'll never advice you to leave this man. He is depressed and unhappy so he's lashing out at you. This isn't right but it happens. We all do it even though his is extreme.
First question when he misbehaves how do you react? Do you tell him he's being silly or do you ignore him? Your reaction to his actions would go a long way in aggravating the situation.
What I would advice you do is to first pray. Pray for him, yourself, your child and your prosperity. Prayer works belive me.
Secondly, baby the hell out of him. It would take a lot of humility to do so and it may seem silly but pet him. Poster poverty brings out the worst in people. When people are broke, they get so frustrated and lash out. I'm happy he isn't drinking to drown his pain. As sad as it may seem this is simply your for better or for worse. You knew his financial status even though you never envisaged it being this bad. Whenever he's angry apologise if you're wrong. If he's wrong don't point out his mistakes on the spot. Be romantic and lovingly apologise even when his wrong. A few days later while petting him you can bring it up that even if he was wrong the other day you just said sorry because you love him and you don't ever want to argue with him.
Thirdly, make him feel useful. Ask for his advice even when you don't need it. Tell him all your long boring gist even when he seems uninterested. Even ask for fashion and hair style advice. Suffocate him with attention. Wear a smile even if it hurts. Be his hype man. Send him random text messages praising him. If possible every morning when you wake up tell him he's blessed and you have no reason to regret marrying him. Baby the hell out of that man.
Most importantly, don't report him to anybody for now. Keep it to yourself. No matter how nice his family and friend's may seem don't report his misbehaviour. That would make him feel less in control of his life and would worsen your situation. The only thing you can do is quietly see if funds could be sourced for his development or to revive his business. If you're based in Lagos, uber services can take in a guaranteed hundred thousand a month. The only issue would be getting a car for such. If you get a little savings or loan and you buy a car aunty please buy it in your name to avoid extra chronicles.
I know someone who followed the advice stated and it worked. Her family got blessed due to her prayers and positivity and her husband had no reason or avenue to be a beast. It will be stressful but believe me try it. If you do all these for three months and he's still acting like a little bitch then you can consider a separation before his negativity begins to rub off on you and your child.
My advice to people is this. No matter what you want to do with your life even a footballer or model ALWAYS have some form of certification even if it's from a polytechnic to your name so you can have a fallback plan. Lots of people have kept their degrees in their boxes and started businesses that have thrived. No one is disputing that. But what if it fails? What will be your safety net? Please the economy is too messed up to not have a degree or certification from a higher institution as a back up plan.
Poster all I can tell you is to take it to God in prayer, there's no situation He can't handle. The devil is trying to break your home, destroy him now with prayers & watch your family become peaceful once again. It is well with you.
ReplyDeleteA vacancy for a driver was posted in ihn, try apply on his behalf, I think his jobless state is what's causing his frustration,.....
ReplyDeleteThat driver job of 30-35k in Lagos? A family man will work for 6 days out of 7 days in a week and earns 35k. You don't know the distance of his house to the place of work oh, by the time he minus feeding and the transport fare, how much will he take home to his family at the end of the month? Abeg that job is for a bachelor that lives close to the work place.
DeletePoster, open up to people in your church or mosque about his joblessness if they have any job he can do, don't tell family yet. Also, if you can, start doing contribution and save for him to get another car for his cab business, it will be fine. Don't talk back at him and don't do things that will ignite his nagging and complaints. May God send help to you.
Fast and pray for your family.
ReplyDeleteTell your family and his,he is abusing you emotionally.
ReplyDeletefirst of all how do u even marry a man who is not rich and also a stack illiterate? jesus Christ of Nazareth!!! me i dont know what to tell you sha. but you dug your grave with ur bare hands.
ReplyDeleteif you must marry a man its either he is a rich illiterate with plenty laid down plans (assets) for a rainy day or a broke literate with great future ambitions.
your husband has no ambition and so do you bcoz if you had any ambition you wont marry a man with no ambition rara.
so carry your cross
Dats harsh dear. U don't beat a man wen he is down. Love is blind
DeleteMadam certificate doesn't imply that u r literate, illiteracy is wen one can't read or write which isn't d situation of the poster's hubby
Deletewell am sorryand i apologies for being harsh but the thing is paining me. how can you agree to marry a man who has no plans for the future? i have seen illiterates who are doing well enough to take care of their family.
Deletehe dint go to school why couldnt he learn a trade or a skill? i really feel for you, i do and i will pray help comes his way soon before he pushes you into depression.
*hangs leg on the wall*
Pastor daughter read well. She said he was hardworking and ambitious and caring too and he doesn't womaniser that's why she married him . Left to me, I can't marry a person who is not a graduate o.
DeleteSome people do and they live happily ever after though.
Pastors Daughter God bless you, we have said it time and time again
DeleteDO NOT MARRY POOR ILLITERATE MEN
on this blog.
He has no formal education, he has no hand work and yet you married him.
Anybody can be a driver, so how did you open you eyes to marry into such a one chance marriage.
@ Bv anniemem and Honey...Pastors Daughter is not been harsh on this case she's just spilling the truth.
Hardwork and ambitions must be tired to either a trade or a professional careers so that you have something to fall back on in times as this.
You cannot be hardworking and ambitious in idleness.
Dnt despair poster you are in it already, try to talk to him about his change if attitude towards you and if things persist pls report him to his parents.
Dnt keep silent until it turns into physical abuse,A broke man is an angry man and an angry man isn't far from physical abuse.
Poster if your hubby is in lagos, Goggle AA driving school they are always employing drivers and he may be able lucky to get something.
LEP😛
But pastors daughter is not wrong na, a man has no skills or certificate, what has he been doing for the last 30 something years of his life.
DeleteHe couldn't even learn plumbing...he is a lazy man and this poster is just covering up for her husband. How can you marry a poor man with no skills and expect things will get better after marriage...HELLO
Don't marry a broke man they won't hear!
ReplyDeleteYou were warned not to marry him by your family but you refused! Na you sabi! If you like remain there let him kill you finally mtchewww. Annoying chronicle
This is an why many of you come here to accuse me of having a big mouth- as if you're my next door neighbor 😂 Nigerians and the 'die in silence' culture. You're going through all this and you can't open up to ANYONE. So how would you get solution or assistance? I'm not saying you should wear your problems on your head like a beach hat but at least ask for assistance from immediate family and friends. 3rd party interference is wrong on personal issues, but when you feel drained please open up. The woman with the little jar of oil if she didn't open up to Elisha she won't have known that he was an instrument for God to use and help her pay her debts. God won't come down to help you he uses people. When you lock yourself in you rob yourself of some assistance. Yes I've said my story here several times, but I tell you if you see me on the road and I introduce myself you CAN'T insult me. There's a way you can tell someone your problem and not bring yourself down. Because whether you like it or not, everyone has issues and only fool would broadcast your issues to be listened to by fellow fools.
ReplyDeleteAlso, please I know Nigeria is hard. But we can also take precautions to avoid mishaps. Something as simple as insurance would have helped with the car loss. If the car was his only means of livelihood then he should have handled his job with utmost care. This is an example. I don't believe there is any poor man or any useless job. Life has ups and downs but sometimes we as people don't dot our 'I's and cross our 'T's. Whatever you're e going through his period take it as a lesson for the future.
I won't blame you for marrying a man without a trade or degree because I no know as e dey do you that time. But I don't think you should leave him. The man is financially frustrated and most men can't handle that. Keep praying for him and as I said before open up. There might be a job lying around that someone close to you knows about - that he can do to get back up. Okay??!! Keep your head up. Tough times are meant to build us up for the rest of the journey.
First, practice an attitude that treats unemployment as a temporary and manageable situation. The repeated rejection that goes with a job search is hard, but the odds are that a new job will eventually surface if you both remain focused and deliberate in your quest. Keep a healthy perspective. Be open to what God might be trying to teach you both through this experience.
ReplyDeleteTo your children at home, be open and honest with them about your situation. Communicate realistically, but optimistically, about the future. (It's not the end of the world!) Plan regular times together as a family to discuss feelings, finances, priorities and how everyone can pitch in to ease stress at home. Explain that everyone will have to sacrifice (temporary cuts in allowances, cutting back on clothes shopping, etc.) for awhile until Dad finds a new job. Remind the children that you're in this together and together you'll come through this, better and stronger.
Insist on at least one night a week when you can schedule time alone or with your own friends. Help your husband understand that the time you spend on yourself will help you be a better spouse when you're together because it will. Even in the best of times it's good to cultivate your own hobbies and interests.
Remind yourself and your spouse to take this one day at a time. Help your husband avoid catastrophic thinking (I'll never find work!). Be positive in your attitudes and pray together every day for God's provision, for your physical, emotional, material needs, and for your relationship. And keep talking! Deliberate communication mitigates the effects of depression and helps boost bruised self-esteem.
Accept that you'll have good days and bad days. On the good days, discuss what makes them good and brainstorm ways to keep up positive energy (going to bed at a reasonable hour, rising together, morning exercise, prayer time, etc.) Maintain a routine as much as possible. Be mutually accountable, setting a daily agenda for both of you: job interviews, personal appointments, chores around the house, etc.
Pls jst follow the advice of miss kenefo up there...well said and enough said by her...
ReplyDeletemadam, your husand is frustrated becos, he does not have a job. He hate seeing u and ur child suffer. i read about a man who wanted to commit suicide this morning, becos he cannot provide for his family.
ReplyDelete1. pray for him and pray with him
2. seek help from pastors, church or relatives.(dont die in silence problem shared with the right people is have solved)
3. remain calm in the face of all these calamities.
4. Dont badmouth him.
God will help you. Amen
Working class men in diaspora r dangerously evil!!!
ReplyDeleteU may also find a lawyer, doctor who is tormenting his spouse too? But more r those factory workers, menial job labourers, taxi drivers etc who go out of their way to frustrate any woman in relationship with them or married to them.
I'm not condemming working class men, but women be careful who you choose to marry!!!
Money is not love & not everything, but a poor man is vulnerable potential agent for abuse.
My sister, your husband is just frustrated. Hmmmm, its not easy for a man that is working before & taking care of his family to be idle and not being able to cater for his family again. I'm in a similar situation now, I left my job a month to my wedding & I relocated to the state that my husband is based since 2015 thinking I will get a job here. Since then, I have been job hunting ooo & my husband's salary is not regular because he's a state civil servant. Hmmm, it has been so frustrating but, we have been managing. Some time, I get so angry with my husband, blaming him for not advising me not to leave my former job, lol.. So, I know what your husband is going through, just be calm & encourage him whenever you know he is in a happy mood that things will be Okay soon. It is well!
ReplyDeletetalk your priest or pastor,then elders in church or anyone he has great respect for
ReplyDeleteYou need to pray more for your family
ReplyDeleteI'm tired for our ladies oh. Ladies always make decisions about life partner with their heart instead of their head.........now see..
ReplyDeleteLove is not always enough......Hope your eyes are clear now.....inugo
He didn't go to higher institution, doesn't have a handwork yet he is ambitious???????
ReplyDeleteWhere is Queen??!!!
ReplyDeleteWell well, My dear poster, the truth is sometimes you have to put yourself first for the sake of your sanity and your kids. The truth is you married a man that lacks ambition and also has a case of lowself esteem. Why do we always need to massage a mans ego? If roles were reversed he would be lord commander of the house. Sometimes money or lack of it brings out the true nature of a man. Your man is lazy, if he wasn't he would have gone to school with part time or learn a trade, nothing is too small and it is never too late. This type of spouse exists to bring you down and kill your spirit. You are sole provider of the house so you have to be strong. What's wrong with involving a third party? You Nigerian women like to feel like wonder women but die of silence inside. Report to his family and yours if you want but I'd advice you to get separated from that man for awhile, tell him to get his shit together and work on himself first, you'd be praying for him from afar. Don't take his threats lightly because the devil works in so many ways. If he truly cares for you or his kids he'd make an effort to change and support you. Do not baby any man. He is an adult and should take responsibility.
ReplyDeletereport him to his people.....wenever i av an issue with my hubby i report him to his people and dey are always on my side.... i dnt even bother my parents with our issues, since u said his people love u,report him to dem let dem talk to him. its not goin to be easy buh also pray dat doors open for him again. men are like dat wen dey are broke. its well with u sis.
ReplyDelete