My Divorce Story - 4

What an interesting story!

I met my ex-husband through my father.

 Daddy dearest assumed I was carefree and non chalant about love and relationship issues so he decided to step in and rescue me before I become a lost cause. On the appointed day of the meeting, I didn't want to go. A friend of mine who lived with me said there was no harm in trying. I decided to go, since I had a right to reject the dude. 

On meeting the dude, he was nice and looked responsible. He came with his mother. I also learned they were from my hometown and dude's dad was my father's childhood friend. Dude was my father's junior colleague in the same profession. The mum said the initial arrangement was for me to visit their home but since dad changed plans suddenly, she brought the food she prepared. We ate. 

Later, the guy dropped me at my house. This meeting happened in a different city. He drove me to another city where I lived in, a journey of about 2hrs. On the way, we gisted. He was very open and jovial. We laughed a lot. I was happy meeting him but I knew he was not my type. He was a chronic smoker, a walking chimney!

Father kept telling me that the young man was from a good home. He also said I will have an advantage of replacing my dead mum with his good mother. He earned the love of my friends and some family members. A few weeks after we met, we got married traditionally, a small scale affair. Then, we had the first sex. 

Nothing spectacular but I didn't mind. I didn't want to compare him to my Spartacus lover, the satisfier of my pu**y, my original pu**ylicker. I had a new phase of life so I moved on from Mr Ramotu*. 

I lived alone comfortably but dude still lived alone with his mum in his late father's duplex. I told him I didn't like that idea. I also told him I would prefer to live in a rented two bedroom apartment or we live in the father's house in a section strictly ours. He only had a room and parlour there. His kitchen was an extension of his mum's. His siblings moved in and out whenever they visited because the door was always open.

 The elder sister once saw me washing in the bathroom and complained of where I washed. I was wearing a bump short once, he complained and said, " anybody can easily come here without prior information, so dress properly ".I told him I wanted to live freely in my house. He said he didn't want to leave the mum. He had six other siblings. Four lived abroad. He was not the last child either. I told him it was better for the mum to come live with us than for us to live with the mum. 

Several factors robbed me of my peace so I told my husband I was no longer interested. He pleaded and cajoled me jovially. I yielded. Then, we started church courtship sessions in an Anglican church,his mother's church.
When I ask for sex, he would say, "the reverend says it is forbidden ". I would say, " we are married traditionally". He would tell me to be patient for the remaining six months before the white wedding. Patient, I was. 

The counseling session took place in his city. I took permission once a week, on special arrangement, to attend all sessions. Ideally, I slept in his house. He would drop me at home around 7pm and gallivant till 10pm. He hung out late and smoked a lot. He would say he would quit. Herculean task. 

By 7am, he would leave. He avoided me whenever I visited. 

I felt he was avoiding sex. I also lost interest in sex. I managed until the wedding night. I found out God loves me extra. I was at the peak of my ovulation. I asked the man to do the do. He told me he was tired from the wedding. He left that night and came in early morning when I was fast asleep. We had no honeymoon. I was called to work 4 days after my wedding. I asked him if I should come back that day if I finished early or if I should come the following day. He said I should come five days after, a day to Christmas.

 I was surprised. I went through the gifts to sort them out and to express gratitude to the givers. I saw a gift I didn't like. It was a photo frame from his ex professing love to him. It was hand written. I discarded it,then I travelled to my city. I was in the car when he called yelling about the destroyed gift as if I destroyed his life. He told me not to come back to his house . 

When I got to my office, after work, I confided in my boss. He rented a hotel room for me so that I wouldn't have to go to my house and told my friend to keep me company. He later advised me to forgive my husband and go home if he asked for my forgiveness. The following morning, he called and apologized. I forgave and went home. 

The late nights and smoking continued . I told him not to stop smoking because it would be his lungs and not mine that will be damaged. I told him to keep hanging out late so that he could apply to be a vigilante.
A few days after, he told me he was not sexually attracted to me. He also said he was not emotionally ready to have kids. No prior agreement. Just out of the blues! 

First, I tried to work it out on my own using emotional blackmail and prayers. Nothing worked. I told my father and his mother. They called him separately. That was the beginning of his hatred for me. He felt I embarrassed him.

The mother was a nice woman and very good to me. She believed in fairness. As an African, she was not happy that the son didn't want kids. She lambasted him. She even promised to train the kids for him if he didn't want to spend his own money. My dad told him I was not a piece of furniture. 

Another issue: We had similar surname. I told him I would prefer to answer his own name so that people will not assume I am still bearing my father's name. I told him privately and calmly. He never replied but his sisters(elder and younger) abroad called me to tell me to quit talking rubbish. I was surprised again. 

My city was bigger. I was working for the oil and gas sector. I told him to come to my city so I can hook him up to better business opportunities. He refused. I told him that I was willing to relocate to his city just so that this marriage could work. He said he preferred we visit each other and not live together. Gradually, we fell apart. Only one was in tango when it should take two to tango. 

I was worried about what people would say if the marriage fell apart. I ran to the reverend who joined us. He decided to intervene but he couldn't come up with anything concrete from the guy. All he said was he was not attracted to me. Why marry me then?

Who am I, you may wonder? I am 5feet9inches tall. I have well formed hips and I'm a little busty. Men saw me as a nymphet. When I walk past, men stare at me while women admire my dressing. I was jovial too and very intelligent. I was 26 then, and I already had my Master's degree. 

Who is this dude? He is an inch taller than me. Slim with six packs. Strict smart but not book smart. Would have been sexy but for his tobacco stained teeth( I booked an appointment with my dentist for him. He never showed up).
I forgot the marriage issues and decided to focus on my job. I didn't go to his house again. We talked on phone only. 

When I wanted to visit, he would tell me to postpone it. Sometimes, I would even lie that I was around. He would get upset. I gave him an ultimatum. He came to my city. We talked but it was just talk. No change. 

My father felt he made a mistake,so he wanted to fix it. The guy became insulting to my dad. I wouldn't have that.
I felt bad. I was no longer the bubbling and cheerful girl. I asked him what he wanted. He said if I couldn't cope like this, I should move on. I applied for vacation. I traveled to the US. While there, he came to collect the brideprice he paid. When I came back, I found a lawyer with the help of my company's client.

 The marriage was dissolved because there was no consummation and compatibility. 

Lessons :
1) Never assume you alone can make a successful home. It takes two to tango.
2) Never be with someone you are not attracted to. Don't assume attraction will come.
3) If all efforts failed, move on.
4) What people will say is not your business.
5) Never agree to any radical changes not discussed before the marriage.
6) Seek your happiness and peace of mind first.
7) Marry a man not a boy.
8) Love alone cannot sustain a marriage. It takes commitment, understanding, patience and more from BOTH parties.
9) A partner that makes you laugh may not make you happy.
10) Never marry anyone that has no fear for anybody. Not the shaky shaky fear but marry someone who has an authority they listen to. Don't marry who the Igbos call EZE ONYE AGWALAM. 

11) A person from a good home may not be a good person in marriage. 

12) Never blame someone who introduced you to your spouse as long as the person had good intentions. I was very angry with my dad. I stopped calling and visiting him but I realized he had good intentions and couldn't have known the guy was an imperious Homo sapien. 

13) Spend more on your marriage than on your wedding. 

14) Marry someone you can tell anything. Communication cannot be overemphasized. 

15) Marry a person with the fear of God, not just a church goer. 

16) Don't be limited in your thinking. Someone from your village may not give you marital bliss. Your happiness may lie in that tribe you hate very much.
In all honesty, this guy was not a bad guy but he was not ready for marriage. I used to ask him why he spent so much on his wedding but wouldn't invest time and effort in his marriage. Thank God, we didn't have any WNB. I would have been a frustrated single mother. 

All I regretted was the fact that he wasted two years of my life. I have never heard of/from him again. 

I am remarried now to a wonderful guy. He has vowed to make me forget my first experience. When I jokingly call him Yoruba demon, he will call me Igbo witch.

*He was probably gay right?did it ever occur to you?

His profile matches one who is!

I am happy that you found love again with a Yoruba demon.