Saturday In House Gists..

Today in house gists comes with a price...
Please before you vote check out the grammar construction,the use of abbreviations automatically disqualifies and the funniest,well edited gists wins..

GIST ONE

Don’t know the right word for it in English, but there is this thing I do a lot; if am woken up suddenly, its takes me time to fully “coordinate” and in that time interval, well I can “jounce a lot”.

Now this incident happened back in the day when I was a student, I had already gone to bed when suddenly I had my rommie screaming my name and shaking me to wake up. “Maureen, Maureen fire fire! Na so I jump up from bed, rush wardrobe, jack my first box of cloth (so they said) and started running towards the gate. I dropped that one(eye never still clear), rushed inside and took the second one, halfway through the gate I felt someone grab me and held me tight, that was when I started waking up fully, I could hear people laughing. My rommie dey ground they laugh me.

Turned out one the girls leaving next door, accidentally kicked over their candle stand and their curtain caught fire (it wasn’t even serious), in the normal girls panicky way she started screaming and trying to put it out, that woke up my rommie and she being a good rommie decided to wake her rommie too and I decided to display for everybody in our lodge.

The funniest part was them describing me running with my box of cloths. One said I looked like that picture of the mallam in Cyprian ekwensi’s Burning Grass that suffers from wandering disease, he said the way the breeze was catching his agbada in the pictures was same way my night robe was flying as I run my race of life to save my box of cloths, hell, the thing no even carry me go where my credentials dey!.

Never heard the end of that episode till I left that lodge.

 ........................................................................................................

GIST TWO

Good day Stella, please post this on Saturday gist.

 I am one person that sleeps early, when i sleep, i sleep talk,  i sleeps walk etc. So this particular Friday i was browsing in our sitting room around 8:25pm then I dozed off, in my sleep i was hearing onye oshi o, onye oshi o ( Thief o, thief o),  so the noise woke me up, I keep hearing the woman's voice from afar shouting onye oshi o, I was like thief in our Estate? 

we have never heard of such before, I stood up and went straight to our gate, immediately i opened the gate, i saw someone running, he ran across me, after a few seconds another guy ran across me, I said is like that first guy is the thief, so i joined the  second guy in the chase,  I caught up with the second guy  and we were running at the same pace almost close  to the first guy, the next thing I heard was "guy blow blow", i turned my neck and looked at the guy i was running was with, he said again guy blow naa, the guy i was running with was telling the thief, I never knew that the both of them were thieves, so I stopped and ran back after a few seconds I heard a gun shot. People started coming out to know what was happening, I narrated to them what happened, some laughed, while some Continued the chase they caught the boys later in the night, and handed them over to the police. Abeg forgive my typos

.........................................................................................................

GIST THREE

Stella please, help me and post this, the hustle for money is real .

I remember when I was in school, I have a friend, this girl can never part with a kobo, but she's always spending mine, comes to my hostel every morning, so that we can go to school together, and I will end up paying for transportation, she always have a story to tell,and I used to pity her,because she said her family is so poor. Most time I give her food to eat.

Do there was this particular day I was broke, and as usual my besty is also broke, but as God will have it,i don't know the spirit that led me to re arrange my room,only for me to see well folded money under my mattress, and since I lived alone, I quickly counted it,3k.i was so excited, I hurriedly went to market to buy some foodstuffs, my bestie came and was surprised, cos I had earlier told her that I'm broke, so I have to tell her the miracle that happened, her countenance changed immediately, she said she is the owner of the money o,chai see me see wahala o,i asked her why she kept it there, and she says it cos she doesn't want her roommates to steal her money, can you imagine, so this girl had this kind of money and she will be forming broke, I sha refund part of the money that I have not spent o,that ended our friendship, but who her friendship epp? 

............................................................................................................

GIST FOUR

I don't know if this qualifies for in house gist, but it's quiet funny.

That's how one idiot completed the '4x4' equation on my uncle's car by

scratching the answer"16' on it.. I was so annoyed but I got rid of

it.. like this kid wasn't satisfied when he saw I cleaned it and he

repeated it again.. I have to repeat this process for like 4 times and

the boy keep solving the equation until I decided to kuku help him

myself by printing the answer on the car myself.. what I saw the

following day was more annoying.. The idiot had helped me

marked it with a bold mark sign with his signature boldly signed beneath it..

I'm still looking for the idiot till today..

.......................................................................................................

GIST FIVE

I want to share this story I was told by a friend...

he was gisting me about some of his friends back then when they were still in the university..him and some of his friends were actually doing big boys in school and they used to smoke indain hemp and they had some other friends that don't smoke but they were disturbing them that they want to learn..

so one day they took one of the guys that wanted to learn how to smoke to an uncompleted building to teach him how to smoke..let me call the guy Jide..Jide was standing while they gave him a wrap of Igbo to smoke...he started smoke and the next thing they heard was serious shout and cry oooo..

Jide started crying wey my leg oooo,Jesus oooo Wetin happen to my leg my left leg don cut ooo..

he was crying seriously,one of them just went to him and brought his leg down from the wall..what happened was that while he was standing he placed his left leg on the wall and the igbo made him think he has lost one of his leg...                               

Another one happened again...let me call the guy kola,they took Kola to the same uncompleted building,this time around they were all sitting..Kola started smoking and he was seriously sweating..what they next was ejo ejo (snake snake snake)na so everybody run oooooo...the ones wey get mind run go carry sticks and stones want come kill snake..kola was still shouting make una no run leave me,they ran back with their weapons to kill the snake and the were asking Kola where he saw the snake and he was pointing to his head..owa Lori mi,e jo e ba mi pa(it's on my head please kill it)ah the snake don Dey come down to my face ooo...he was shouting and crying seriously..

my friend said all of them just dropped their weapons and where laughing and rolling on the floor,it was actually the sweat that was dropping from kola's head to his face that he thought was a snake...my friend said after that day them no gree teach Jide and kola how to smoke again ooo make people children no go mad for their hand...that they warned Jide and kola that any day Dey catch them trying to smoke that they will beat shege comot from their body....Have a nice day sdk bvs..

............................................................................................................

GIST SIX

On this particular day I got to work late due to stress plus the drug I took the night before and there was no way I could take permission off work. Immediately I took over from the person that did night customers started coming. I started praying in my mind due to the nature of my work I know I need God more because it involves the buying and selling of currencies especially now that the rate is so high. 

Customer 1:it seems you don't know what you're doing young lady, do you want me to miss my flight? 

Me: pls oga be patient if I overpay you I'll be here crying while you'd be long gone.

Customer 2:shaking my head for you. Thank God am leaving Nigeria for una

Me:me sef go travel one day

Customer 3:madam answer me I go do you well. 

Me:you met people here madam

Na so she flashed #1k notes for me 

Me to the other customers :pls make I quickly attend to this woman .

Customer 1:Nigeria can never and will never move forward because of people like you. 

Me: Am sorry pls allow me do my work 

Customer 3:leave am make im dey talk story I beg give me £125 I want am in small bills

Me: Gave her to £150

 she come queeze #1k for my hand I just wisper thank you with long hiss wen I think say she go truly do me well .Something just strike me say I don overpay her Chai I quickly press calculator £150-£125=£25. I begin look for her come see say she don dry check in and the area is restricted. I begged the immigration officer and he allowed me in base on my ID. 

Customer3:i surprise say you fall mugu I think say you open eye 

Me:so you know and you call yourself a good Nigerian. 

Customer 3: who good Nigerian help? Because of ordinary £25 your eyes don red. 

Me:give me my money make I dey go.pls represent Nigeria well there ooo if possible no come back we no need person like you here. 

I beg make una vote for me ooo

................................................................................................................................................................

GIST SEVEN

     Good day Stella, this gist happened few years back. I attended a missionary ( Catholic ) secondary school. People with this kind of background will be able to relate well to it.

There is practise in our boarding house then called Deal or No Deal, It is done by the exchange of food. I.e. you can give out your plate of Fufu for a plate of Rice. 

So... Back then in my school , after each Third term examination we always have this kind of a spiritual program called RETREAT, whereby we go on for 3 days without speaking to each other. What we do is to meditate, pray and listen to sermon with other normal activities. 

    A week before this Retreat, I made a deal with a classmate of mine. I gave her two good plate of Fufu with vegetable for a single plate of rice with fish. The day I was to get this plate of rice from her happens to fall on the first day of this retreat (Thursday).

   On this particular day, I didn't eat lunch (Beans). I was strategizing on how I will devour two plates of rice with fish. I already begged for spices (pepper, maggi and salt mixed together).This is added to the food cause of the tasteless food normally served in boarding house. When the bell was rung for dinner, I went to her hostel to remind her and she assured me that the deal is still on, even though this was done codedly because you are not suppose to speak to anyone because of the retreat going on. Infact I made sure we entered the dininghall together. 

    We always sit side by side at the table, I made sure I sat very close to her so as to monitor her. When the food was served. This girl did not even wait a second after the prayer before meal when she devoured the food under one minute and immediately put her head on the table. I was shocked and pained, but I couldn't do anything. I couldn't walk to her table or shout in other not to be punished. 

    After the retreat, I couldn't report to the seniors or school authority because we have been seriously warned not to transact business with food again. I just left everything for God.

Fast forward to 2016. After 10years, I was walking down the street one day and got a surprise of my life... Saw blessing, the girl that refuse to give me the plate of rice. It happened that she just move into the area. We exchange numbers and I promise to visit her on Xmas day because it was close to Xmas. I visited her and her mum asked me to join them at the table, I was served a plate of rice with a very fat chicken. I made a remark about the deal we had 10 years Ago .... And every body laughed. .........At last I got back my plate of rice. 

     

Just to add , both of us are now graduates and now serving.

..........................................................................................................................................................


GIST EIGHT

Hi Stella and my fellow members of BVs. I have this gist from way back in higher institution.

During my days in the school, things were very tough(like they still are today), I barely managed to pay school fees, I couldn't afford clothes and other things. In my 2nd year, I had to go squat with one girl who turned out to be a spirikoko. Lolz.

She used to sing and pray morning and night.  There was this popular praying church that this room mate of mine used to attend, sometimes she used to invite me to some of their programmes, I never attended any until one day during our final exams.

She pestered me for days to attend this night vigil tagged "showers of blessings". She said it was very important for us in our final year to attend the vigil as we need God's blessings to finish peacefully with good grades and also to get good jobs and husbands after rounding up. I agreed to follow her.

We got there oo, we prayed and sent fire and thunder to all household enemies, the pastor also chased out some demons as many people fell to the ground during prayers. I was one of them(even though the man had to push my forehead hard). After the prayers, we were asked to believe that God has changed our story and to also glorify Him for that. 

Me and this girl waited till about 5:30am before we headed home happily oo. As we passed through the backyard of a storey building, we heard a window opened and before we knew it we were wet from head to toes.

 Initially my thought was like "ooh! an Angel has decided to shower us with blessings" according to the theme of the vigil. I had barely finished thinking when this strong smell of fermented URINE hit me. My people, I bursted out crying. 'So this is what I get after all the prayers, casting out and rolling on the floor, A baptism of thick smelling fermented urine' I cried home while my friend tried to console me. We were both oozing seriously, the guy that opened the main door for us covered his nose as we entered the house.

That was my 'showers of blessings' story. Hope you enjoyed it.

Stella abeg give us too something this week, even if it is 5k. Lolz. Thank you.

NOTE - ANY GIST THAT IS REPEATED IS DISQUALIFIED.
ANY GISTED THAT IS LIFTED WITHOUT DUE CREDIT IS ALSO DISQUALIFIED.

BV Droyalty,please help me collate the results and send it in for Monday IHN..Your reports are very accurate and i am hoping you will do a good job.I dont know who else to ask to do this.BV Cocoz abandoned the honorary job bestowed on her so i need someone else.

Please i know you are busy with your online job DRoyalty but ''EPP ME''

However note that i will be the final say on who wins ..... any gist that has high votes but is
unedited will not get the money.I keep telling these people to edit their gists but they send it in ignoring...if you want it you work for it.

IF TWO GISTS SHARE THE SAME NUMBER OF VOTES THEN THEY WILL SHARE THE 10K