RE -When The Husband Falters...

WOW...WOW..WOW!!!

Hi Stella,

Firstly, I'd like to appreciate you for all you've been doing. I came across your blog 3 years ago but I seldom comment but when I do, I go anonymous. Generally, I enjoy your writing style. 

I am writing in response to your post, "When The Husband Falters".

My name is Ella, I'm 46 years old. I've been married for 23 years now, I met my husband when I was 21. so you do the math. I've known my husband for more than half my life. I have 3 kids, 17 year old daughter, a 14 year old son and an 8 year old daughter. I am a Psychologist/Shrink. So you could say I've come across my fair share of nut jobs and 'nut-cases' and we're trained to listen and give counsel if needed or direct the patient's thought path. Never in my wildest dream did I think I'd ever be in a position to take any advise I dish to my patients or that I would be a patient even.

My husband is 49 years and will be 50 in September. We are well over the child-bearing age so we were looking forward to our youngest getting ready to leave primary school, our oldest about to get into Uni, I didn't see any child on the horizon so it came as a shock when he confessed/broke the news of his infidelity. The 6th of June 2015 will live in infamy for me. 

I noticed he had been jittery and uncomfortable for a months but I just chucked it up to maybe mid-life crises (LoL) I dunno why though. He travelled that week, on the 5th, my father in law called and asked that I come to their village (Oleh-Delta State) on the 6th. We live in PH. I thought he was sick (he's in his late 70's), I immediately got ready, packed up some things, kept my youngest with my sister and hit the road the following day. 

When I got to the village, my husband was there! My mother was there! 

My uncles/in-laws were there! I was so scared. I thought someone was dying

They sat me down and told me that my husband had something to tell me. I looked at him and asked what he wanted to say that couldn't be said in private. He couldn't even look me in the face. He then told me the unthinkable Stella. He said he got another woman pregnant!!! 

My head became hot. I saw stars. The room started swirling around me. I don't know what I was feeling at that point. I remember my mum shaking me and saying 'Ela, are you okay'? Did you hear him?. The only thing I can remember saying is 'where is the woman'? In retrospect, I still laugh at that question.

I asked to be left alone. I went into the room and had a good cry. I looked at my self, See me, 45, beautiful (though beginning to grey), accomplished, quarter-to-be grandma being cheated on.  Stella, I had a very very good cry. You know that kind of cry when you're done you are exhausted, tired but lighter and relieved. Now my head was clear. I remembered what my late father told me, "Never let emotions guide you in heated situations. Do the most unexpected". Everyone was expecting a blow out. 

When I saw the lady in question. I could see why he went there. 

Stella she is beautiful! My God! 

She is educated and a banker even, young. I asked to speak with her privately. I wanted to slap her, to give her a very hot resounding slap but I felt pity. She was already 5 months gone.

I asked what she wanted to achieve? what was her aim? did she want a wedding? She looked at me in shock. She became very uncomfortable. I said Yessss, what were you hoping to achieve? She couldn't give me answer, So I said you want your child provided for abi? Its education taken care of abi? That's fine. She wanted to explain but I really didn't need any explanation from her. I didn't need a play-by-play image of what transpired

 I love my husband. Did he make a mistake? Yes but I won't spend the rest of my life punishing him for it. Leaving him was never on the table. He has been and still is a beautiful husband, my best friend and a fantastic father. I never lacked for anything, neither did my kids. All through my marriage till the 6th, I've had no reason to question his loyalty or faithfulness. I am not 'Team snoop' (Lol). 

Long story short, she gave birth on the 19th of October to a baby girl we named Fejiro. She is a breath of fresh air... a spitting image of my husband so I believe it kind of made loving her very easy. I read some comments saying no woman would give up her child, well this one did. I don't know what was said between her, my husband and my in-laws and I do not wish to know. Fejiro stays with us  though her mum comes once in a while. She is in her daughters life but not in ours. 

I know some may think how its possible to do this. It isn't. There are days I get angry. There are days I get depressed but I look at my 'pom pom' and I see she didn't ask for this. She didn't ask to be saddled with the anger I may feel. Bad as it may be, two individuals created a life no matter how. And Stella if you meet my pom pom, she is such a peaceful child, you can't help but love her. She is the most peaceful, happy and playful child I have ever come across. 

The essence of my mail is so that people know that some of the films created by our artists are actually based on facts/daily occurrences and for the poster to know that she is not alone. i know exactly how she feels. 

At this point in time, she needs to be calm and clear her head. If she has a friend she confides in, she should visit that person and rant. Just talk and talk and talk and cry and cry and let it all out. As much as her husband cheated, she should look at the bigger picture, there is a child involved now who did not ask for any of this! That child whether she likes it or not is now part of her husband's legacy and a sibling to her children.

 I'd advice she take the child in (depending on how the mother'll take it). Forget general opinion, go with your gut and what would bring peace to your home. Take my word for it, your husband/in-laws will respect you beyond words and will be wary of you, your kids will learn, by your action, what it means to be compassionate, accommodating, tolerant and above all Love. 

Your husband, by your actions will love you even more and, except he's an unrepentant idiot, will never betray your trust plus he would spend his lifetime making it up to you (Remember your vows, 'for better or worse'). This is your worse. Who knows, the sun is always brightest after the storm. This could be the sun you have been waiting for. Just food for thought.

My apologies for the long epistle. Just a middle-aged woman's archaic opinion.