Chronicle Of Blog Visitor Narrative...

Na wah oh!

STAND ALONE NARRATIVE
SON IN LAW WAHALA

Hi Stella,

This will be a bit of a long post so please bear with me.

I'm just a tad worried about my last sister (we are three girls). She got married to this guy about three years ago. They had their traditional wedding before the white wedding- which came like a whole year later. After the traditional wedding, it was then kinda "allowed" that they be living together as a couple. 

He lived in the US whilst she was doing her housemanship in Nigeria so she goes visiting often.

Whilst they were dating, this guy did not really relate with any member of the family or would I say my sister kept shielding him from meeting anyone, claiming that "he doesn't like things like that", no one begrudged her and we didn't think anything of it. I remember once, when my hubby and I were still dating- she was still dating her hubby then too: hubby had bought me a phone and when I heard he was coming to Nigeria, with nothing on my mind, I excitedly told hubby who asked that I ask him and he (hubby) would meet him anywhere.

When I told him (because he was on my bbm) he just told me to tell hubby to send it via DHL. I was still explaining that I didn’t want hubby to spend extra money via DHL when he repeated himself again, no friendliness or anything so I kept quiet because I sensed some tension.  

Later, my sister accosted me asking why I had told her boyfriend to help me send something saying that, “he doesn’t like things like that”.

I live in the US with my husband as well and throughout the period we got married, he never for once offered a "congratulations" to my husband, his soon-to-be co-in-law (who is also older than he is) but we just chose to overlook that.

So my sister came visiting and along the line, they had a very big quarrel which resulted in him saying he was no longer interested in going ahead with the marriage. My sister is very secretive and doesn't let anyone in on what happens in her relationship so the day she called me to let me know that "no way o, alarm don blow", in her own words, I still thought the guy was joking and tried to call him to ask how far, what was wrong but he ignored my calls. She called back to tell me that he's warned her to warn her family members not to contact him so I kuku said, oya start coming to our place and tried to mobilize her.

She also told me to call our parents back home and let them know since the guy had bought her a return ticket home. I let my parents know and whilst my mother worried about "what people would say after the elaborate traditional wedding", my dad was glad and said that my husband and I should ensure his daughter comes back safely. They had this kind of reaction because I heard the guy was just stand-offish the entire traditional wedding period, he didn't involve any member of our family in anything and just literally did his thing, never really consulted with anyone which was quite weird- my sister has two married sisters so she really should know better how these things are conducted.

Well, she never got to my place because by evening they had reconciled. Meanwhile, my mum had tried calling him when all of this was happening but he ignored her calls and never called back. My sister was now the one with the onus to "relay" the fact that he doesn't really like people "meddling" in his business and he is like that to everyone, "even worse with his own parents".

For peace to reign, I began speaking with him again and was basically the only person he communicated with within the family- I only did this for my sister despite the fact that I saw how he disrespected my family  and because I felt that it was good for at least someone to be in good terms with him. My mum tried really hard to establish a relationship with him as per future son-in-law, she'd call, send weekly blessings messages- he either wouldn't respond or would leave a curt message saying, "Please I am in a meeting, will call back". No "ma" or anything of that sort. When you speak to my sister about this, she'll tell you that the guy "feels" that our parents don't like him so he doesn't think it is necessary to build or cultivate a relationship with them.

My sister will visit the US, expect me who was heavily pregnant at that time and working, to leave my home on weekends to come and visit her because, "he would not let her go out on her own" and also that I give her money for shopping, so I'd visit and we'd go shopping. 

Of course, these things annoyed my husband but I'll stop him right in his tracks and tell him that this is my younger sister we are talking about and I have to be a big sister. I often send her credit to call home because he never bought her any and when I knew I couldn’t afford $10 credit every week, I told hubby to help me set up one monthly package he normally does for $30 for me (you get 1000 Nigerian free calls) as it was cheaper than sending her credit every week. Only for my sister’s hubby to call me the next day saying that I should thank my husband for sending his wife credit but that he should please stop sending any more because he doesn’t like it. 

I apologized and told him the money for the credit was actually from me and I just asked my hubby to set up the package. This is your co-in-law whom you’ve not deemed fit to say “hello” to knowing that he married your wife’s elder sister and this was how you wanted things to be between you both.

On my own part, I tried to get hubby to be “the bigger person”- once, my sister asked that we all meet at a joint close to their house (I knew that was her attempt to make them meet) but my husband wasn’t having it either as he felt he didn’t need to leave his house to go and meet someone who hasn’t ever acknowledged him.

She also began to ask me to please help her order this or that with my money and send to their house because her husband was coming to Nigeria. When I ask why she doesn’t just ask her husband, she'll say he's working on some projects and will not give her. One Christmas, she was so broke, I had to send her money in Nigeria- the guy is just a stingy person- either that or he believes more in investing in his "projects" than making provision for his wife. This guy is comfortable and doing well so it’s not because he’s broke or anything. He just believes in “projects”.

My mum came for omugwo and sent this guy a really cheery message telling him she was in the US- he didn't respond. Since I was friendly with him, I sent him a message telling him mum was around and will appreciate a call- he responded with, "I have heard". 

Mum spent three months and left without a single call or text from this guy. Of course I was livid but I decided to keep quiet and not respond to his calls. He called me to say congratulations on the birth of my child but, of course, i ignored extending same to my husband. When my sister then came to US again to visit, we chose a date when she would come to at least see her niece and we agreed that she would stay over as my husband was abroad- I was so excited.

 Only for her to call to tell me she was coming with her husband- I excitedly told my husband, thinking he would be like "oh, I thought he would never come" but, alas, he said that the guy should dare not step his foot into our house and that he purposely chose his absence to come visit and so he wasn't having it. I was torn!

My sister and her hubby were already on their way so I decided to let them come, prepared a nice meal and all for them.They came empty handed (to be honest, I expected even if it's a powder or soap as per tradition) and left after about an hour. I think my husband sensed what had happened so he called my sister to ask if "they" came, she confirmed it and this caused a big quarrel between my husband and I. There after, i sent my brother-in-law a message telling him that in as much as I like him, I really think he needs to change some of his ways: I cited how he has been treating my husband and parents and told him that though we've spoken with our sister about this, I really didn't think she talks to him about it and I explained how it had just caused my husband and I to quarrel.

Next thing, I received was an explosive stinker from him calling both myself and husband the "biggest fools he had ever seen" and literally insulted my entire family, I was mad! I dropped every shard and cloak of respect and courtesy and insulted him, telling him he must be on drugs and just finished him, after that, I left the matter to rest.

He kept sending me messages almost everyday, calling me all sorts but my husband told me to ignore him. He also made my sister swear not to ever speak to my husband again and that the day she would speak to him, he would divorce her.

I think in the course of everything, one day my sister finally got him to call my parents but my dad being a blunt man, scolded him for being disrespectful to the family. Na so the guy lock up again.

All this was like one year after my sister's traditional wedding but all of a sudden, "they" said they were now planning for their white wedding. My parents were doing "siddon look" to see if the guy and my sister would bring their wedding invitation card to them, for where? I heard the guy said he isn't going to invite my parents that they could find their way to the venue if they cared. 

My dad swore he wouldn't attend but my sister said that "the kind of person the guy is, if my parents didn’t go, it would mean that in the future, he would have an excuse to ban them from coming to his home".
I couldn't believe all these things were happening and that my sister gave room for it. She went as far as saying that she was ready to disown my father if he tampered with her ban of marriage. Eventually, my paternal grandma spoke to my parents and advised them to go, so they did. 

The thing is; this guy comes from a broken home and when they went for enquiry, they found out that his father and his father's mother treated his mom so poorly that they separated when the boys were still kids as it had been unbearable: they also revealed that this guy's father never even spoke to his in-laws but I guess my mother's thoughts were that a person from a broken home wouldn't want to have a broken home also. When this guy started displaying all these characteristics, my parents (who believe so much in family) panicked and didn't want my sister to continue with the wedding plans but my sister is adamant and quarrelling with my parents to marry him.

Now they are married, till date this guy hasn't ever spoken to my parents, I have had my second child and my sister and I just speak on the phone even though we are in the same country (we made up after that fiasco). Now, she totally sounds like him and doesn't believe one should help their parents until their "hands are financially strong and they've finished investing in projects". This sister of mine was the apple of my parents' eyes whilst I was the "blacksheep" but my hubby and I are now the ones helping my family back home.

 I heard that last christmas, he "changed" his mind about coming to see my parents because he looked through my sister's bank statement and saw that she sent my dad a measly, was it N10,000 or so? He got angry, saying my parents wants to "spoil their marriage" by asking my sister for help when he has "expressly ordered his wife not to spend from her salary until they were capable financially i.e investing in their projects".

I'm really upset to be honest and obviously this is happening WITHIN the family so I don't really have an objective soundboard. Who can tell me if we are overreacting and if this is normal? Should I just let the new family pave their own path? 

Am I overreacting? ( I'm really thinking of cutting her off since she thinks marriage is just you and the man) Are WE, as a family, overreacting? She always wants to keep up appearances e.g: wants us to meet some where so that she could take hundreds of selfies with my children and then upload on her social media and make it seem like everything is good; I sensed this and just shut it down, I'm not going to be used like that. 

I am so angry and embarrassed because I feel she was desperate to marry because she always makes comments like "people are searching for husbands, girls are not smiling these days" but she's just going to be 28 and all this begun when she was just 26. I feel she could have gotten anyone she wanted if she had just been patient- she is a medical doctor.

I don't understand why she would settle with a person who has no iota of respect for her family- a person cannot claim to love you if they cannot even pretend to love your family, I really do not understand these. I almost want to puke when I see her put her "anniversary" pictures or post "MCM"- I find it laughable. Am I being biased and petty? Are we stressing instead of letting a new family pave their way?

Personally, I have decided not to even care about them or what he does or doesn't do but occasionally, my mum begins to really feel bad at how her son-in-law has not spoken with her for years and her daughter cannot say or do anything about it, so of course, it brings it all back. 

I just wish every family member can tune them out as I have resolved to do. She cannot say anything to him, its always, “he doesn’t like this, his personality doesn’t allow this, he is not someone that can be spoken to like this”, I don't understand how one can have a relationship where you cannot agree to disagree or vice versa; you cannot voice your annoyance because “it will go down very horribly”.

It's so bad that this guy comes into Naija quite frequently and knows that my parents know he's around but he doesn't ever pick up a phone to call and say hello. Even when my sister had an operation( in Nig) and mumsy had to be with her in the hospital, he'll call to speak with my sister and never acknowledge my mum's presence even though he knew she was there. In his small mind, he's "keeping malice" with his wife's family. It's just really strange and quite embarrassing. 

Are these all normal and healthy please?

Please, feel free to use your red pen to tell me your opinion Stella and thanks for posting.

Cheers!