This hilarious article by Reuben Abati hits the nail on head but also eases the tension you feel when reading with its hilarious conversational meanderings....
Dont say ''Reuben should go and sit down'' or ''Reuben has come again with his long writeup''..This doesnt take up two minutes to read but i assure you that you will still be laughing in the next hour and recommending this for others to read...Have a good laugh in the midst of worries.
“I hear the World Bank says Nigeria is now the worst place to do business in the entire world.”
“ I don’t believe it.”
“I also hear that of the 15 fastest growing economies in Africa, Nigeria is no longer on the list.”
“ I say I don’t believe that. And stop hearing bad things.”
“We are not even in the top 10 of the World Top 10 oil producers anymore. Yet, we used to be No. 6.”
“ I still don’t believe that.”
“Inflation is now 13.2%, or well may be 12.8%.”
“Story”
“If you go to the market with N400 to buy pepper, that amount can’t get you enough pepper to fry two eggs.”
“Stop eating eggs. Too much cholesterol is bad for your health.”
“Moody’s has also just downgraded Nigeria in its ratings for end of March 2016.”
“Moody’s?”
“Yes. It is a credit and investment ratings corporation.”
“It is called Moody? What do you expect, then, other than a moody report?”
“Our rating by Standard and Poor’s is also negative.”
“I see. Standard and Poor’s giving a poor rating. So?”
“We are talking serious economics, not word play”
“I hear you”
“Even Fitch says our economy is in the negative.”
“Let them all keep fishing for negative information, I say I don’t believe it”
“And as it is, it looks like Nigerians have adjusted themselves to the reality of paying as much as N200 per litre for fuel?”
“In your village? In our own town, fuel is just N140 per litre.”
“And you think that is okay? At a time the spot price of crude oil is dropping internationally?”
“Stop reading those foreign reports. Stop feeding into the Afro-pessimism narrative.”
“You don’t believe this. You don’t believe that. Everybody is saying a hell-hole has appeared, and you are insisting you don’t believe it.”
“Sorry.”
“The Nigerian Bureau of Statistics has also reported that foreign investments inflow into Nigeria is down by73.79%, the least in 9 years, and total capital importation has fallen by 89.13%. GDP growth is the lowest in 9 years.”
“Hold on, one second… Now listen to me in Minister Kemi Adeosun’s voice: we are implementing a planned economy here, dum-b-hea-d”
“The kind of phone calls I receive these days. All artisans that I know have been calling me to ask if I have a job for them. The electrician called yesterday to ask if my air conditioners were not giving problems. I said No. He said what of the television sets? I said they were all working. He even asked whether Madam has not complained about any appliance in the kitchen.”
“That is a potential burglar, staking out territory.”
“Shortly after he dropped the phone, the mechanic also called to ask if the car was alright. I said yes. He asked if I was not hearing any unusual sound. I said No.”
“Your mechanic is stalking your car. What is that? Call the police.”
“But don’t you understand? There are no jobs in town.”
“Who is saying so?”
“I am, based on the evidence of my eyes and what I have been hearing.”
“And you have not heard that the Federal Government has launched a plan to create 1, 000 jobs per week by getting people to become masquerade dressers?”
“Masquerades?”
“Yes. Those masquerades that need 100 people to dress them; and another 100 to undress them. If every Nigerian community organizes a masquerade festival every week, all this nonsense about people not having jobs will end. It is the most profound official contribution to this unemployment narrative so far.”
“You just like to trivialize things.”
“How, it is simple economics. Imagine the number of tailors that will also be engaged.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“I am. Your electrician and mechanic will be better off joining the masquerade gang of Nigeria.”
“Who is proposing this?”
“ I don’t mention names, please. It is the idea that matters.”
“But come to think of it, I see some sense. We are actually a nation of masquerades. Masquerades in high and low places; masquerades behaving like ancestors when they are actually mere mortals.”
“It is the day motor jam masquerade that you will know he is a human being. Even the whole economy has become a masquerade.”
“But this thing about festivals.”
“It happened in ancient Rome. The Romans had over 170 festivals in a year. They were a source of unity for the Empire.”
“I don’t think Nigerians are asking for festivals, and an opportunity to dance, they want jobs and money in their pockets.”
“But you know the truth and why I don’t believe all these tales? Foreign investors will never give up on Nigeria. We have the biggest market in the whole of Africa. It is the source of our strength. If you like let a thousand kidnappers strike per day, all the airplanes on the Nigerian route will still be fully booked all year round. At the height of the Boko Haram and the Niger Delta crises, investors still rushed into Nigeria to look for opportunities. What they may be doing now is a kind of siddon look. It will pass.”
“If we sort out the economy.”
“What I know is that we are better than Venezuela.”
“So, Venezuela is now the standard?”
“They have oil, we have oil.”
“But Venezuela is now a failed state, for failing to manage its oil wealth very well. You need like a bag load of money to buy any essential commodity in that country. Is that what you want in Nigeria?”
“God forbid bad thing!”
“God?”
“I say God forbid bad thing!”
“This is about God?”
“Everything in this country is about God. That is why I agree with people who are now saying that the way forward is to approach God for help. Even the masquerades will offer prayers and speak to God through the ancestors.”
“Well, some people are not going to God. One man in Lekki yesterday, decided to climb an electric pole. He threatened to hug the electric wires and die. He said he would only change his mind if he was given N5 million.”
“Only N5 million, not N45 million?”
“The people called the Fire Service. Fire Service said they should call PHCN. They called PHCN; those ones said call the police. The police came, the Fire Service too, after about six hours. They begged the man but when he didn’t listen, they just went away.”
“The officials left the scene?”
“Yes. Everybody tried to talk to the man. He insisted on N5 million or nothing.”
“Don’t worry, it is the Tee Billz spirit in every Nigerian. So what happened in the end?”
“ I don’t know.”
“The man was not ready to die. He should have jumped straight into the Lagoon instead of climbing an electric pole. And did he tweet and instagram his drama like Tee Billz?”
“Well, I think government should just make it clear that anybody who wants to die should not disturb public peace, they should just go ahead.”
“That’s cruel. I expected the Lagos State government to be pro-active and offer that man some money. May be N1 million, and then rehabilitate him.”
“One ginni? If anybody gave that man money, you’d be surprised by tomorrow morning, you will find half of Lagos on top of electric poles, asking for money. Even me sef, I fit climb pole or hug transformer, but my own no be to die oh, na to collect money.”
“That is it… the strongest sign of the state of the nation. People are just going crazy. That was how one guy went to a fuel station in Lagos, stark naked, saying he would not dress up unless he was allowed to buy fuel. Nobody listened to him.”
“Don’t worry, they will all get used to it. It is a matter of time. Or it may just be that Nigerians love drama. Everybody has become a Nollywood artist; there is more drama outside Nollywood today.”
“What I don’t even understand is why people use the social media these days to kill people. You’d just wake up one morning and read a fabulous story about someone dying when they are actually alive. It must be only in Nigeria that death is used as an instrument of blackmail.”
“They did it to Chief Tony Anenih. He has had to announce that his traducers will be the ones to die before him.”
“They also did it to King Sunny Ade, IBB, Desmond Elliot”
“I blame the media. It is called irresponsible journalism.”
“No, blame the bloggers. Using the social media to announce a death that has not happened should be taken as a crime: a clear case of attempted homicide.”
“Ha, wait oh”
“What?”
“I just remembered something.”
“What?”
“I hear Baba OBJ has just donated a chimpanzee to an animal centre. Do you want to know what the Chimpanzee is called, named by the Baba himself?”
“Just shut up that your mouth!”
“Hear me first now. Try and exercise some Patience.”
“I say keep the name to yourself.”
“This is your problem. You don’t believe things you should believe and yet you don’t have the Patience to learn about things you don’t know.”
“Thank you. So, what are you, yourself donating to the animal centre? How about you donating a cow?”
“Cow ke? I don’t want any problems, please. I may donate one of my dogs.”
“Hen, don’t try that! I’ll send you one article I have just read. It says dog meat is medicinal and that it can cure malaria. It is also fortifies the human spirit and when you eat the testes, it is like taking Viagra. Current research findings!”
“Nonsense, I can’t eat dog meat. A dog is a man’s best friend.”
“The article says it contains energy, fat, protein, Vitamin A, Vitamin C, calcium, iron, thiamine, niacin.”
“You are salivating! If any of my dogs should disappear, I’ll bring the police to your doorstep.”
“Which ones? The same police who cannot rescue a man who wants to commit suicide. They will rescue a dog?”
“Just don’t go about telling civilized people that here, in Nigeria, we eat dog meat to cure malaria and impotence. Argggh!”
“You think Oyinbo people don’t know? Sit down there.”
“I hear…”
“You and the things you hear”
“I hear the Senate is recommending death sentence for kidnappers”
“Kidnappers. How about rapists? Look, what we need, to save Nigeria, most urgently, is a National Depression Initiative. People are depressed. It is why they say and do stupid things. ”
“I also hear….”
“Ok. Enough of these things you hear. I have heard enough today.”
What does he do again?
ReplyDeleteHahaha! I love how this man effortlessly discusses current issues with so much humour.
DeleteAnd he flows so seemlessly from one topic to another.
Chop kiss, mr Abati.
Click my name for all your celebration cakes and cupcakes, cheers
I saw Reuben at the palms mall this evening o. In his blue shirt with a lady in a red jumpsuit. If to say I no tire ehn, I for go meet am ask how far. With his shinny face. Lol.
DeleteI'd have understood what he was talking about, if only i read it.
ReplyDeleteToo long joor! d one i managed to ready was quite hilarious *siping Nestle Nido n Milo*
ReplyDeleteLol @Tee Billz spirit in every Nigerian. It's high time anybody that wants to die should do that without disturbing public peace truly.
ReplyDeleteI wish they give that man #5m truly, I will bring all the youths in my area to come and create a little nuisance @the Third Mainland Bridge the following day, we will all claim that we will jump into the river if we're not given #2m each.
Also, I'm in support of National Depression Initiative, I will so register to it, most of us can't explain what we're passing through, Nigerian government should create such Initiative asap.
*Larry was here*
Reuben Abati,I am begining to like ur posts,d way you indirectly shade us.
ReplyDeleteLol, I enjoyed reading this
ReplyDeleteStella you self. everything is funny to you. What is hilarious about this now? It didn't even bring a smile to my face.
ReplyDeleteI tire o...I was worried that I must have lost my sense of humour
DeleteIt's either you didn't read the piece or didn't understand what you read. Dummy
DeleteYou are really a local girl as your name implies. If you have been following the news this would have been hilarious
Delete@local girl, depression spirit at work! Don't allow it. Biko laugh small
DeletePls go and look for ur sense of humor. Or maybe u didn't understand the article.
DeleteThanks Mr Abati. If anyone give that idiot that want to kill himself money, expect more of it to happen all around Nigeria.
ReplyDeleteThis is what this Government has turn us to, in the name of 'CHANGE', am sure their confusion and sentiments are dealing with them. When one tell lies for a cup of tea, he or she needs more lies to sit and drink it.
ReplyDeleteI interpreted the scenario surrounding this Government and find out so much loots , deception and analyzed hidden corruption and insecurity unfolding. It was CHANGE, now PATIENT, very soon the rule of LAW, maybe who knows the next. I knew it was going to be like this when the Government and its governance subjects its affairs to sentiments, caucuses and meaningless policies.
I cried for Nigeria, i cried for Nigerians when we allowed and accept deceit. If the head of the house is wicked and mean, the house will be so and face hardship, lets project the hardship faced in 1983 due to wrong and wicked policies and what is happening today. when IBB took over, what happened? the game changed.
if there was a way GEJ will come and run same Government for Months or someone else, you will see what will happen. A wicked man begets a wicked household and hardship, which a Good man begets blessings and favour before God and MAN.
We have sold our nation to the wicked and the change they were indirectly telling us has come and more of the CHANGE, we shall see.
👍👍👍
DeleteLmao😂😂😂😂😂😂 if they even give that man as small of 500k, all the Nepa polls will still be occupied by Tomorrow morning.
ReplyDelete😂500k is too much sef. 100k will do. Buhari and his entire cabinet are a bunch of irresponsible and senseless jokers.😠 God will continue to save his children coz the rate of depression is on the rise.
DeleteOga Abati... Also a delight to read, You gat me in tears laughing alone in my office. your the man... all any day any time.
ReplyDeleteBluz was here.
Same here oo. My colleague was just looking at me with side eyes as I was giggling.😅😂
DeleteHehehe... I hear oh and am tired of hearing! loved the article.
ReplyDeleteI Enjoyed it. God help us all.
ReplyDeletewent to the market to buy tomatoes, 3 tomatoes is been sold for 200#.To make a pot of stew I need about 2000 naira tomatoes
very funny. Reuben abeg!
ReplyDeleteI loved every piece of this story
ReplyDeleteNo body should blame this government we all saw it coming. How can a country depend solely on one thing. Oil is not forever. I want the military to come back.
ReplyDeleteThis man eh!
ReplyDeleteNice article.
He's such a good writer.
So OBJ go donate Chimpa/Monkey called Patience to NGO people.
To come back where?? To come back and still us blind?? We are yet to recover from abacha loot.. No one is talking about ibb loot. Please they shouldn't come back. Nigeria should be put into the hands of a young, educated and intelligent person with a good track records.... Someone who is versatile. Knows how to speak and express himself in English, knows how to handle economic situation and can do well with press.. Try watching the current president during interviews or press meetings and you would know he knows nothing
DeleteVery dry..not funny abeg!
ReplyDeleteYea I think this hilarious.
ReplyDeleteAn interesting read. Very humorous. Welldone sir.
ReplyDeleteIn as much as this Government is trying to politicize every concerned affairs, they should note that this country has gone beyond cheap falsehood.
ReplyDeleteWhat Happened in 1983 is gradually coming back in 2016. I thought Nigerians are wise.
Lets look in to the following Government Revenues and say categorically that we are broke. The Oil Market based on OPEC ruling price is $48 dollars while the budget bench mark is $38. Are we saying that Nigeria has not be selling since this Government took over? if yes, for the past Few months, we are making profit of $10 X MILLIONS OF BARREL selling everyday.
The customs: Are we now saying that there is not revenue generation from our customs to the Ministry of Finance? Nigerians don't import and clear goods anymore? , if our neighboring country Benin Republic live and run its Government only through their sea port, how come this Government is not generating money from such avenue? Even the confused Master himself, Rotimi Amaechi, what has he done as a transport minister since his appointment? When you hear of NIMASA, FAAN, NCCA, NAMA etc and the money they generates, you will faint in astonishment.
Taxes are also there as so many individuals and corporate bodies pay taxes not because you want to or have anything to benefit from the Government , but to keep their businesses and self afloat with other related avenue outside Agriculture, exportation and other means of revenue generation.
I bet with full conviction of the integrity and transparency of this Government and its genuine course to the citizenry, every man in power will like to buy sympathy from the masses to gain power, tarnish the image of the past administration by condemnation and fused all kind of deceptive measures, in order to maximize a personal wealth and political relevance , to me , i call it "SELF DECEPTION'.
It brings me back to the slogan, 'CHANGE', If we had known, we would have asked the kind of change talked about. Change is constant, goes in different dimension and even diversified in such dimensions. Is it positively or negatively? , the economy, security and world acknowledgement is telling, policies and even fight for the so called corruption. To me, i will rather continue to the good policies by the past Governments and to shamelessly put up a police that is affecting the totality of Nigeria , all in the Name of Change.
I feel for Nigerians , as depression has risen to suicidal , where the final solution to some people's problem is suicide while the ASO ROCK and cohorts ask us for PATIENT TO CHANGE. Initially, it was change, now, PATIENT TO CHANGE, who knows what these people will come up with again.
I am not in support of anyone, tribe or government , but sincerely, this Government is not telling us the truth because they come into power with deception and need more sweet lies to deceptively run their affairs. Am surprise that this yet budget is still a blowing tree till this point( 5th months), All we hear is AYZ has been arrested with one million charges, yet none has been prosecuted, billions of Abacha loots has been returned today by tomorrow same President that said Abacha was never corrupt will say he hasn't received any money( lol), No light, no fuel, no security , no good roads,will it take forever to supply Nigerian with fuel? how long does it take your Government to sell our crude oil to other countries?
With this little outline because of time, why wont Nigeria be depressed?. the Legislators are not even helping matters, instead of policies that will rescue the economy first, we will talking about kidnapping bills, and other irrelevant issues. I still ask, is that all this Government can do? we are seeing the CHANGE INDEED.
100 likes for this👍👍.All those that voted for change, how market?
DeleteMarket deyyyy! GERROUT!
DeleteI stil stand for PMB!
Did Abati himself believe GEJ government was very bad?
Abeg, he should bury this his talent as he did during GEJ period.
Post o. I see that you seldom do this days.
hahahahaha dis cracked me up....and to think i was having a bad day....i love dis man jareee
ReplyDelete@mayor, you have points there, The Government is still generating Money from different known and unknown avenues, why thy the complain since they took over power? the money confirmed by OBJ the past Government left is good enough for TAKE OFF. I tire for this Government oooooooooooooooooo, lies every where and every day. May God help us.
ReplyDeleteThere is no doubt that this man is gifted. I always look forward to reading his post cos i end up feeling refreshed after laughing hysterically.
ReplyDelete