SDK Blog Commenters Review By Naijasinglegirl.

One time someone made an offensive comment on SDK’s Blog and another reader publicly posted recharge digits in the comment box (Who does that?), ordering the offender to recharge her phone immediately so she can call Stella to apologise.

It reminded me of a similar incident that happened in my Primary 2 where a group of my classmates cornered me to apologise to our lesson teacher for something mischievous I did. And because Stella blogs with a timetable, writes with a ‘red pen’ and issues personal memos which I term as ‘report card remarks’ to derailing commenters, the blog feels like a classroom.

There’s what they call In House News. I imagine it as the school assembly with Stella heading in stage with a cane and a computer, and the readers, scared of arriving late, reason these comments;

First!!
First?
IHN here!
Ihn welcome
Ihn rocks
Brb
Space Booked
End time IHN
God bless the givers

But then again, I am forced to eat my words judging by the last comment because the way Stella & her commenters rally to help one another in times of need makes me wonder if it is an NGO.

While I am still torn on deciding if classroom or online NGO best describes the blog, I start to wonder if it’s a large polygamous family with deep feud amongst them because I read curses in the comment box that makes me shiver. (E.g calling someone the face of a unicorn with the mouth of a woodpecker. Lol)
You’d be surprised that some words connote a different meaning when you are on the blog. For instance, each time I open my bible and see the word chronicles, my brain immediately resets to read controversial woes of a married Nigerian woman right in the bible.

Or is SDK blog a church? Because there’s testimony time, word of the day, fasting post and chronicles of hope.
Or a non-profit e-commerce site? Because the readers often sell or offer a service. Baking, errand, makeup even omugo services.
Or is it an online hospital/ psychiatric center? Because there’s a section to rant all you want, doctors section, and whenever someone’s ‘tohtoh’ starts scratching them, they run to the comment section to complain rather than a hospital.

SDK audience consists of the following;

Married women
Sexually starved wives
Bored housewives
House husbands
Lesbians
Cheating husbands
Single mothers
Rich CEO/executives
Normal men and women
Vibrators and Dildo owners
Relationship people
Born again christians
Cheating wives
Non – Nigerians
UK based Nigerians
US based Nigerians
Rich girlfriends/boyfriends
Upcoming sugar mummies
Nigerians in diaspora looking for visa to return
Local and International Students
Our virus from Jupiter
Naijasinglegirl

Most commonly used words,
Negodu
Just Negodu
BVs
BVNs
Bushbaby face
Shoki
DH
Hoes
Depressed
Drama
Gwegzz
Aunty gwegz
Uncle gwegz
Whooping sum
Help
Spits
Thank you
Congrat
Kill myself
Trash
Angel
Horseband
Mgbeke
Comment pot
Snoop
…
Richard card
Cheap
Side eyes
Fat
Mermaid
Mammy water
Oxygen and magnesium
Knack
Bae
Odiegwu
Ugly
Horse face
Jumping upandan
God bless
Please
Food
Totoh
Wifey
Tears bra
Inuogo
Pomo lips
Thank you

On that note, SDK commenters are the most interesting group of people I have ever found on the Nigerian internet space. The comment section is where you’d find personalities you thought never existed. They fall under the categories below:

1. DISCIPLES: These ones have no mind of their own. They love SDK and are all about establishing a common ground with her opinions. For instance, if the subject of an SDK post is ‘Keeping virginity’, and SDK ends it with,
‘There’s nothing more honourable than staying a virgin till one’s wedding night’
You’d find the disciples say,
“Stella true. DH and I kept my virginity till after I had my 6th child”

Next topic: Dealing with back stabbing friends. Let’s discuss.

If SDK ends with, “…and that’s how I killed two of my female hostel mates.”
Disciples comment with:
“I swear Stella of life!!! Go to the fourth row of Benin cementry, I am the one that killed everybody there.”

Next topic: Learning Monday: 4 + 4 = 44. No arguments

Disciple comment: “Thanks Mrs Kork for pointing this out. I have always known 1 + 1 = 11, 3+3 = 33, 5+5 = 55. Argue with your father!!!!”

2. The married women clique:
These ones are always waiting in the comment box to devour single girls. As long as they are concerned, nothing else matters as a woman if a man has not paid your bride price. Even if you are 16, freshly out of secondary school and single, there is a tendency to feel something is wrong with your unmarried status when you start reading their comments daily. They refer to good husbands ‘DH’, misbehaving husbands as ‘horseband’ and they are the senders of ‘chronicles’.

Comments by The married women clique
‘Gwegz, you never marry?’
‘Better goan bleach so that somebody will marry you’
‘DH almost killed me with his big sweet long fat di€k. Been orgasming since yesterday. Best s3x of my life!’
‘Marriage is too sweet. DH just came home with an Audi for me..when I never even use my range rover finish’
‘You this one with hips like hippopotamus, you are too fat with a black skin and you should be in your husband house at 30!’

And sometimes it gets interesting…
As much as they make the thought of marriage thrill me, they make me really really scared.

Comments:
‘Just found out DH has 3 kids outside marriage. Can’t stop crying.
Stellz, the he-goat I married is a disgrace to all men. Sending my chronicles later tonight.’
‘I just snooped on his phone! OMG somebody help me.’
‘No money for pampers for my baby yet this yeye horseband is carrying different girls in his front seat.’
‘DH has not touched me since March last year, my dildo don suffer.’

3. The Bipolars
Double or multiple personality syndrome. No thanks to different google ID, on Mondays they are a happily married woman, Tuesdays a happily single lady, Wednesday, a man. Thursday, a rich lady with 3 kids and a successful importation business, Friday, a beggar. Saturday, they’ll curse out all their personalities anonymously and use five of their six IDs to defend themselves.

4. The daydreamers
They are thirsty and they know it. They are so starved of attention that they visit the blog to seek validation with their make-believe tales.
You’ll just be scrolling down and minding your business when you see these comments.

“BVs please help me decide. Do I accept an iPhone7s or a Samsung Galaxy 9 from this senator that is disturbing me.”
“Finally I have collected 12 n*de photos from this yeye girl. Off to Facebook to release them”
“BVNs see me see wahala. DH won kill me last night. I don cumm tire oh”
“IHN is here. Just returned from Singapore last night and I have to be in Saudi Arabia shopping with DH by weekend. So tired”

5. The beggars
There was a time in my life I cut an Always Ultra Sanitary Pad into two and stitched the cut ends so one pack could last me until my period was over.
In essence, lack is never funny or something I want to joke about but these group of people crack me up half of the time.
They rely on Stella and her blog visitors giveaways for their day to day needs. They need credit for subscription, transport for job interview, money to buy sugar so they drink the last garri at home, credit to call their grandmom in village, money to add fish to the soup, money for breast milk, fairly used waist trainers, money for wedding ceremony, money for birthday party, free DJ at their event, money for panties, tyre for their car, money to host their wedding, London used dildo etc
Even when they are ready to spend, they need the cheapest option available. They want four layer cake with delivery for N2500, professional make-up for N1000, bouncy Brazilian hair for N7,000, flight to the UK for N45,000.

6. The Know it all
You’d think no one knows you until your photo or name mistakenly appears in a post, especially if it’s a birthday post. The most intriguing part of the clique is that their statements are usually true.
For instance, if the post is titled, ‘Happy birthday Ezinna’ with a very blurry photo of Ezinna,
You’ll see comments,

“Happy birthday Ezinna Akwaeze Uzodiamaka, FUTO SET of 2011. I hope your mouth no longer smells? You this ratchet looking boy that never showers, have you paid Mercy Edet, the prostitute you picked at no 14 Woji Road her balance of N680? Just negodu!”

If Stella post is titled, ‘Wordless Post’ and the only thing she says is,
This Abuja Nollywood actress sef

Their comments,
‘Let me go anon on this…Stella who doesn’t knows it is the osho free Rukky Sanda you are talking about. Razaq with that his dirty teeth dropped her off at 2am last night. Go to Central Business District, which man does not know Rukky and her dirty pu**y? Abeg bring better gist jare

If a post is titled Julie: Beauty of the day

‘I’m tired of fat ashawo Julie who lives on orhuworun road warri owing me money. U guys should help me beg her to pay me my N250,000. It’s not a lot to her I’m sure cos her runs dey pay small small. Hummer baby Julie (her BlackBerry name) I beg pay up o pls. If not I go report u to Mrs A.E that u don’t want to leave her hubby alone. I will also publish all d Sms nd bb chats with whatsapps msgs when u were asking for which babalawo to go to. Fat fool with smelly expired p***y. Pay me my moniiiii ooooooo!!!’

*side eyes*.....BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA OMG....LWKMD!