Saturday In House Gists..

Unedited,hilarious Saturday in house gists just for you!

GIST 1

KO DO MI

This incident happened last year. I just moved into an apartment in Ogun state. My neighbor, who was a cleric and i got close. Everyone calls him "Alufa".

 On a particular day, we were "gisting " and he told me about a married woman with kids that lives in the compound next to ours. Her husband drives trucks so he is not always home. Sometimes he travels for two or three weeks without coming home. The wife used that opportunity to bring in her lovers for servicing. The alufa wanted his share but she didn't give him. So the Alufa told me he'll deal with her.

Three or four days after our  discussion, i was about to sleep around 10 pm. When i heard a woman screaming continuously.

"Ko do mi oo.. Ko do mi.. O kan sun le mi ni" ( he didn't gbensh me, he just lay on me).

I  was reluctant to rise from my bed but a persistent knock on my door made me change my mind. I opened the door and saw Alufa grinning from ear to ear.

"Come and see.. Shebi i told you" he said as he led the  way outside.

The scene that greeted me when i got outside, was baba jamiu (our cheating wife's husband) pounding furiously on a naked man and a half naked iya jamiu shouting "ko do mi" upandan with her hands on her head. Nobody separated them until the naked man's face has plenty "koko" and one swollen eye. Then, spectators divided the two fighters.

Baba jamiu did not say anything, he just ordered his wife back inside the house and he ignored everyone as he walked away. While, people were asking the naked man what happened. The naked man turned to me and said

"My friend. You know you are my friend. Please give me something to wear"

Everyone turned to look at me. The question i asked myself was why me out of everyone present. I provoked for the man before somebody tells baba jamiu that i know the man. I eventually gave the man a worn and torn short and singlet. The man ran away amidst boos after dressing up. Not long after, baba Jamiu came back home. After 10 minutes that baba Jamiu entered his house and nothing happened. Everyone left the scene. 

Alufa then told me that he was the one that told baba jamiu about his cheating wife. That the husband caught them on the decking of the house gbenshing. He was pleased with himself.

The next day as i was going to work. I met Alufa on the fence looking into the woman's compound.  I asked what he was doing on the fence. I had barely finished the question when the woman came out. Alufa started shouting

"Iya ko do mi... Olobo maalu"(madam he didn't gbensh me.... Cow tohtoh).

The woman just hissed and went back inside (i had joined alufa on the fence at this time). I noticed she was walking with her leg apart

"Baba jamiu ti ba tie je moju"(baba jamiu have finished her overnight) alfa gave her a parting shot.

I laughed and some women that witnessed the scenario abused alufa well. I left so i won't be late for work.

Reason why baba jamiu didn't send her away was revealed months later.. Since it's congo she wants to shine, anytime baba jamiu wants to travel he'll give the woman Almighty gbenshing, bruising her in the process. So, when he comes back she will still be healing. As for Alufa, no show for am oooooo.. In fact, he is the dog guarding the woman. If she sneeze, her husband go hear. I always wonder what will happen if she tells her husband that Alufa too wanted to taste her honey pot.

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GIST 2

AKA-GUM

Good day beautiful people, My gist is one that happened to me few years back. My parents are igbo but lived in Kano. I am the last child, and my igbo is horrible (I understand and cant speak ) most people mistake me for a hausa girl. My parent ensured that all their children school at the east.  

   I went to write post UTME at the Imo state university,my elder sister Munachi who was a student already at the school wanted to turn me to mugu but I was stingy (aka superglue) money no dey leave my hand without proper investigation. We were always fighting about money issue,it was time to leave and I was still having much money left. I decided to give this girl 5K but she wasnt satisfied,she kept complaining even as we got to the park. 

 She kept yabbing me. If you grow at the north,you know "waka" is a normal thing,na so I give her " waka"  with my both hands. All of a sudden,one old woman grabbed my hand and started talking plenty, I was confused until she said why will I insult this girl's mother. I could not reply because I didnt know how to put the sentence together, Na so my witch sister start to cry o,say I owe her money and I no gree pay and her mother don die. Ha! I have never been confused my entire life like that day, "Muna!, Mama are kano ko wenni?".

 Muna was crying seriously,the old woman was insulting my parent for not training  me well,people started talking on my head and the only thing coming out of my mouth was "mama uba! Ba haka bane" (igbo and hausa together) mama starting calling me "onye hausa" "ewu kano" I just started crying too. 

They come say make I pay Muna her money and tell her sorry. I gave my sister another 5k,with anger na I shout "shegiya wawiya sai baba yaji,Allah za ki mutu " na so those park children start to whispering "Allah,Allah?!". Nobody tell me I just run enter the bus, for the bus those elderly women just they eye me. When I told my parent what happened,na so my mother say over her dead body I go school for east before them kill me. Munachi and her father act their own film.

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GIST 3

PAPA.D

Its true that a leopard never changes it spots. There is this uncle of ours whom we nick named PAPA. This man is very stingy. In fact the word stinginess was arguably coined after him. If he comes visiting and you serve him food, he will ask for more. Sometimes he will stay from morning till night on saturdays just to eat three square meals. During Christmas when the kids in our house meet him for happy xmas gift he will turn it to a joke and ask them to read hard and come first so that he will buy them biscuits.

 The opposite is the case when you visit him. Sometimes when he hears a familiar voice, he will refuse to open the door so that he won't offer anyone anything. So one day me and my mum visited his area and decided to pay him a surprise visit. Luckily for us, we met the door opened. Meanwhile, he left the door opened because he was eating and  the food was hot and there was no light. So  as soon as he heard our voices, he hide the food under the chair and told us that we should not be offended  that he just finished eating and we responded by telling him that we have already eaten before coming. So as we were gisting, a dog in the compound playfully entered the palour and when it sensed the aroma of the food under the chair, the dog went under the chair and ate all the food and came out licking its mouth. 

My uncle who could not hold back his anger descended on the dog and in the process, he unconsciousness confessed while hitting the dog. He was saying stupid dog, food that I hid under the chair, you ate all even with the fish, I will kill you today! Oh this is why I hate dogs! Very insensitive set of animals etc we were surprised. ''Why will you hide your food because you feel everyone is like you who eats anything anywhere''. 

Am sure he learnt a big lesson that day (well if he ever did) Since that day we nick named him PAPA D (D for DOG).

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GIST 4

THE SHUTTLE BROUHAHA

If you stay in Enugu, you will know this shuttle and the “responsibility” of any young person that boards it, once the shuttleis filled up, as a young person, you are expected to vacate your seat for any Elderly person that didn’t get, infact it is a “taboo” for you to be sitting while an Elderly person is standing. 

Sometimes in appreciation, the Elderly person will pay for your T.fare.

Personally, I don’t have any problem with vacating my seat for anybody. But

On this faithful day, I was coming back from the market with a running

stomach, no thanks to the beans I ate earlier that day. I was actually

counting my steps so I don’t provoke the stomach the more.

 I reached the bus stop, Keke was the best option but I had only #50 on me, Keke to my bus stop is #70, Shuttle #40.

I rushed into one of the shuttle, looked around, saw an Elderly man

living in my street, knowing fully well that we will be stopping same

place, I joined him because I don’t need the slightest of disturbance,

like someone telling me to adjust that he will alight in the next bus

stop.

While sitting, I was unstable, but after trying different sitting

posture I finally found a fixed comfort posture.

Everything was going fine until there was no vacant seat left in the

shuttle, elderly people and their wahala started, the first two

elderly women that came in Replaced the two boys sitting in front of

me (I thanked God).

Few minutes later, a heavily pregnant woman came in and walked

straight to where am sitting and stood beside my seat. In my mind am

like ‘Today na Today’. Normally, I should vacate my seat for her but I

wasn’t even thinking that direction, seconds later, murmuring took

over, I just covered my ears with earpiece. Few minutes later, a

middle aged man stood up for the woman, I was deeply relieved. But

that wasn’t the end, the man tapped me on the shoulder and said, ''don’t

you know that courtesy demands you stand up for this pregnant woman''?

As I wanted to explain to the man that am not feeling fine, he

immediately added, “your parents obviously didn’t train you well,

nonsense”.

Jeez, I was infuriated. Shits that I will tell this man started lining

up in my head but then, if I let out these shits in my head, my

stomach might be forced to let out the ones in it, I just sighed.

Nigerians eh, U expect a Due pregnant guy to stand up for an undue

pregnant woman.

BV Cocoz,the official compiler,please help us compile the list so that we will know if theres a winner for next week okay?Thank you and good luck.If you have a gist,either real or culled,please send it in and state your source if culled.