Sunday In House Gists

Saturday in house gists was just a one and a two....today there's more....

Last weeks winner how far?

GIST 3

Cheers And Shares

My cousin shared this gist with me yesterday. During the Xmas break

she travelled to her bf's house at Lagos. As he was the party type and

soon the babe started liking party and club life by force. She started

to blend into that kind of life but this incident stop her from going

on and in fact her so called bf broke up with her lol. 

OK one Friday

night the guy and his friends plus their babes hung out, as they

popped champagne and after the toasting stuffs, one of the guys came

to her and said "cheers" with his bottle up normally, my cousin

forming baby oku " I don't want another "share, this one is enough".

The guy started laughing, others joined. That was how the bf told my

cousin that she is too local and not his type, imagine.

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GIST 4

THE LITTLE PARROT.

Stella na ndi banyi dalu o. 

My gist na wetin do me last month o. I go visit my brother in law them and as room no plenty for the house me and my sister in law dey sleep for one room but different beds.Make i give una background info first, i no dey too chop beans or okpa because in dey worry my belle well well, but dat night na okpa we chop,second my sister in law last pikin na 2years so in dey learn talk and in no dey gree sleep for night.

That night everywhere quite as we no put gen and everybody don sleep except dat pikin wey just lie down dey look me like say i be film na dat time My stomach begin worry.chei e no funny o sleep mba,mess make gas comot mba,pupu kwanu mba, i just dey roll roll for bed dey pray say even if na mess i mess i go hapi at least make i fit sleep like others. 

Five minutes later God answer prayer o i kom dey feel like say i wan mess. My people if una wan mess una dey know if  una nyash dey silencer or megaphone mode? Mbanu!!!. As sharp babe i gum my nyash for bed but the mess carry silencer uuuhhhmmmnn sweet relief, another one on the way i kom feel say since the first one no make noise or smell say the second one go dey like dat but devil don hijack my nyash dat time. 

As i turn make i lie down well na im the second one escape for my nyash like usain bolt if you hear the sound ehhh! Jisos nwa dafid!!!! Heii !!!! even me i shock like, e be like say person dey tear jeans with hand, my inlaw wey i think say dey sleep open eye sharp sharp but she no understand where the noise come from, i look am from corner of my eye i smile cos my belle don relieve small, immediately dat pikin just turn like say e don see  wetin in wan see turn face in mama kom shout for that quite night 

''mmmmaaaaammmmiiiii ati ati messsh,mmmmaammmiiii ati ati messsh ..''

Hei i freeze.my in law kom look me tell am say make in keep quite say na in sister. as i don happy say God don cover me i no know say devil mean business i just hear paapaapaaaaaaaa from my nyash i no know when i shout eehhh? My in law look me smile. 

For morning as everbody dey outside my sister in law kom realese her own but nobody know who do am na in im dawta kom ask Dadi who mess, dat dia pikin kom shout ''ati ati messsh''. 

All eyes kom face me as i wan stand make i tell dem say no be me o make i smack the pikin bombom as i bend like dis chei devil strike again if you hear sound ehhh chineke!!! Hei everybody just enter inside leave me for there. 

Till today if that pikin see me even if na for church if in hear any thing wey sound like mess in no go shout ''atii mesh'' again o as in don learn my name na ''atti chichi meesshh'' and everybody go laff look me . Abeg who fit relate to my gist.

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GIST 5

THE STUBBORN HAIR

It's a bit long though 

"Some people keep asking me why i don't make my hair,well here is my reason;

I have what i call "baby face" (you know‎ that childish face that hardly changes or matures no matter how old you are) 

I used to be very proud of it in primary and secondary schools, because  i would lie about my age and everyone would believe me and i really told some epic lies. But when i left secondary skul,i discovered it has its disadvantages and after i was embarrassed by members of the  state edu-mashal (folks that went to school in Asaba would understand). I decided to start making my hair, i mean its no fun having a petite figure and childish face join.

So, one day i went to have my hair done (and unfortunately I've  got stubborn hair) i started with rubber threads, it was soo painful that on the walk home,i was confessing my sins in case i didnt make home but somehow i convinced myself to continue making my hair.

First forward.... it was christmas and even though each time i made my hair had been more painful than the last,i made up my mind to plait my hair for christmas.

So december 23rd,i took money from my dad and went to the salon, this  was after applying relaxer to it a few days back.‎

When the girl at salon was plaiting my hair after she argue say i no relax the hair because at some point her fingers starting hurting, i was just there dying in silence,3 or 4hours time(not really sure cos of the pain) she was done, then her sis came in,the sis owns the salon,looked at it and told her she did the entire front wrong,she should loose it and re-do it......i died inside!

she apologised and started loosing it saying "sorry" occassionally,it took all the will-power i had not to start crying.The "re-plaiting" took another2 hours,after which i paid and left. That night i slept on my fore-head after taking drugs.

The next morning even my fore-begin pain me.

I was in pain even on christmas day and stayed indoors through out, the hair pain me reach 6th the next year, when i couldn't  bear the pains any more, i beg two of my Sisters to help me loose it. Loosing it was even more painful than plaiting it but i was brave and did not cry (only shouted),finally the attachments were removed from my hair my sisters refused to help comb the hair afterwards, i went to my mum when i couldnt do it myseif.

I sat on the  floor,she sat on chair behind me,my immediate elder sister held me and she combed my hair and i was crying and shouting! .Whenever, the comb entered my hair, i saw stars and when it is going out, i saw white gates,i kept shoutin " I NO WAN PLAIT HAIR AGAIN O,I WAN BARBER AM O"!!!! 

The next day after relaxing it again, i went to the barber's shop and had my revenge!!

So there you have it;my reason. It's been three years since the incident, but fear never let me start to make hair again.

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GIST 6

44 sitting 99 standing

Hi Stella,

Make I write this small gist wey I remember,It doesn't matter if it is funny or not,so b4 my fellow BVN yab me, make una NEGODU.....

 Anytime I remember, Fela's song comes to mind‎" 44 sitting,99 standing". This happened in the good old days of Molue buses,where the buses are always jammed full. Everybody don rush enter bus and bus don dey on motion before kasala burst.

 There was dis fine young gentleman on suit also in the bus,those who sabi Molue den go remember how the driver presses break suddenly and everybody especially those standing will swerve and press body with the next person,unknown to everybody the gentleman on suit had a coke bottle hidden under his suit abi na coat. 

As the driver press brake na so the gentleman stand come shout in yoruba" ti mo ba ri ,ki e le idi pelu eni keni,ma je igo yi lori yin" "if I see anybody pressing body/yansh together,i will break dis bottle on your heads". 

Shuuu inside bus wey dey on top motion with a corporate mad man. after the announcement na so the driver press break again, come see wahala as everybody stand like ONE. Who wan chop bottle for head. As driver stop for next bus stop come see how everybody scramble out of the bus thru all the exit available (window/door). Can't remember how me and my mama exit the bus. 

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GIST 7

MAMA PRISCILLA

This gist happened this time last year

That fateful day,i was in front of my flat washing cloth, and our compound comprises of two flats facing each other,so as I was.washing my clothes, a car just speed into the compound, cos our house does not have a gate,though it was fenced,it was a woman driving the car,and she came out, and started pointing to me,threatening to deal with me, I've never seen this woman in my life before, I was like "madam wetin happen ", before I finish the sentence, the woman just gave me a robust slap,and as I made to go near her,i slipped, that gave the woman an opportunity, my husband and my neighbor ran out,but she has already torn my cloth,and she was now shouting this is part 1 o,lf you don't leave my husband alone,i am going to deal with you,I was like

'' which husband, I don't have any man friend''? my hubby was just looking at me, as if he is seeing a ghost.

Mama Priscilla, my neighbor now took me in that I should go and change my cloth,nothing wey mama Priscilla no talk,she was like ha, madam you really disappointed me,even the hubby that was with my hubby and the woman outside was just abusing me,i wanted to go out ,and explain to the woman, that I don't know what she's talking about, but mama Priscilla don lock door,i was just crying inside 

The woman, said she doesn't live in out town,that some people called her to inform her that her husband, who is a director in a ministry is dating one of their staff,and they describe the lady and where she lives with her husband, that is when it dawn on us that it was mama Priscilla she was lookin for,and she don give me epic disgrace, mama Priscilla, now started shaking, told me not to open the door, I said for where, my hubby was so angry ehn,and the woman was just begging me,she couldn't even beat the mama Priscilla again,but the shame no be here.

infact I stopped greeting mama Priscilla after the incident....

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GIST 8

THE FLYING STONES

This gist happened to me yesterday..

  I went to the market yesterday to buy some food stuffs,and I got pressed but there was no hidden place around to ease myself. So I decided to hold myself till I got home.

  I held the urine and bought everything I needed and then took a bus and started going home.

 When I got to my junction I stopped and came down from the bus and that was when the urine hooked me more.

 I was just walking very fast so that I could get home and ease myself,but the faster I walked,the more the urine was almost coming out.

 I got close to an uncompleted building and immediately dropped the bag I was carrying and removed my trouser to ease myself.

 The urine just started coming out and the next thing I saw was stone flying towards my direction, I was so confused that I was easing myself and dodging the flying stones at the same time.

 The next I saw was a big stone that landed on my head..I just shouted "Jesus" and ran out of the uncompleted building without wearing my trouser or carrying my bag,I ran to the next street and that was when I quickly wore my trouser and was panting like a horse,because I thought it was a ghost that has been throwing the stones..

 I waited for some minutes,then went back to carry my bag,when I got to the building I met a man standing there with my bag.

 When I told him that the bag is mine.he now started shouting oo that he has caught me and that I'm the one that used to come and excrete in his house,that I'm lucky he didn't break my head with the stones because he has vowed to pieces the head of the person he catches there.

 I started begging him that it was the way the urine hooked me that was why I entered the building.he later gave me my bag and warned me never to try it again,I just thanked him and left.

 When I got home and narrated everything to my sisters, they just started laughing like mad women.lol

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GIST 9

THE ROTTEN PERIWINKLE.

Good day BVN, this incident happened when I was on I.T. 

That faithful day, I went to work all good and fine,during break period, I decided to eat at the restaurant with a friend.

  We ordered for fufu and afang soup and settled down to eat. I was enjoying my food jejely when the problem started, my friend was busy picking out the periwinkle in her soup and dropping in mine cos she doesn't eat it.

   Suddenly, we started to perceive a very strong odor of rotten periwinkle that was boiling from the woman's kitchen‎...chai we no fit vex, we had no choice than to continue eating o,as money no dey to chop for another place.

   My friend finished eating  while I was still busy enjoying  the periwinkle‎, BVN's na so I suck rotten periwinkle!!! My head rise,taste buds scatter, had to vomit it in a nylon. Before I knew what was happening, I started to sweat with serious stomach ache. I told my friend, girl abeg I no well I wan go house,she looked and asked what the problem was and I replied that I needed to use the toilet.

  Went to the administrator's office and Coudnt even stand properly,he allowed me and I rushed out like I was chased by demons.

    Took a bike straight home,almost pooed because of gallops,saw my neighbour who asked me why I was rushing and I ignored her.

    Went to the gate and banged it hard shouting "Who dey house,open gate,open gate"!!! My elder sister almost died with fear,cos she tot cultists where at it again until I ran inside,threw away my phone, undressed and rushed to the toilet before she realised what was going on with me...it was when I finished that I had to tell my neighbour why I didn't respond which made she and my sister laugh at me. It wasn't a good experience at all