Saturday In House Gists...

Saturday in house gists,the first for 2016 has landed and i had quite a good laugh,dunno bout you and your complaining virus..lol

For now,there are no laughs for tomorrow so if i do not post Sunday Laughs,all votes would end on this post.
Let me go back to read the ones that cracked me up!

GIST ONE

Funny Experience In Church on CHRISTMAS DAY

So I'm home for the christmas break hoping to spend at least this whole month with my family before going back to school.

I would try as much as possible to keep this write up short and simple because Africans don't like to...... ... (Yall know what I mean)I'm being forced to go to church with my family every time am around spending holiday, For that reason, I rarely come home end of semester breaks, I stay back in school but In the event of xmas and New year celebration I just have to come home, which of course is the reason I am home now.

I was coerced to follow them to church on Xmas day and I did, Upon arrival, I picked a secluded seat away from parents but my sister later came to join me, I couldn't help but laugh at all the bullshit and ignorance that was coming out the pastor mouth, Yep, I did laugh but on the inside but what made me also cried on the inside is how the pastor used reversed psychology in milking off these gullible people called church members, For example, the pastor brought out a hundred dollar bill from his wallet and told the whole church to come sow seed if they also want to touch their own dollar currency next year, people rushed out en mass to do as he said then I said to myself, this is really day light robbery.

How did it also get to me?

The pastor had people standing on their feet, praying and calling out names randomly like guess work creating the illusion he's real like, for example, if he randomly calls "Amaka", Of course some one must bare Amaka even if its not their first name, then when Amaka raises up her hand or goes to the alter he begins his antics of saying what the girl don't know about and completely oblivious of, but at that time she would just play along by admitting the problem so make she nor fall bros hand lol

This dude got to me, pointed at me and said You are a CULTIST !.... lmao, how did he even know am a student? its because he knows my sister and my sis and fam already told him about me being atheist and don't go to church in school and how did he recognize me? Me and my sister somewhat look alike and was sitting side by side so he called me out and said to the congregation am a CULTIST, how embarrassing lol, because have been in school for 3 years and currently in my finals and I don't even have one cultist friend not to talk of me being one, I don't even come out of my room, just class and back to my apartment, I don't even visit my coursemates, don't have a girlfriend or never even hang out with nobody.

So I kept on smiling and the whole church was amazed and staring me, my sis was crying already thinking its true, so the pastor called out my mum and told us to see him immediately after service. But then again, that pastor has succeeded in embarrassing me publicly and assasinating my character publicly too, I never mind but kept my cool

Standing with my mom in front of the congregation look pretty weird and at some point, I got nervous and tensed that I, myself would wanna admit being a cultist, of course my dad was in the congregation, although I spotted a blank expression written on his face because regardless of situations and events around me I just have a way of reading people's body language right, I take courses in psychology so am learned in the act of encoding and decoding human behaviour and social psychology.

The pastor finally dismissed us to go back our seat and told us both to come straight to him soon as service is over. And when it was over, I personally went up to my mom to hurry her up to go see the pastor, soon as we arrived at where he was, He shook my hand and said "hello how are you?, So you the cultist guy?, the Holy spirit revealed it to me" I smile so he asked, what's my name? Then I replied xxxxxx, then he said oh, xxxxxx was a prophet of God in the bible then I said, Sir' actually he wasn't a prophet, he was actually Moses brother in the bible,the pastor now said, oh True, then I asked "pastor, can i just see you personally for few seconds so we left my mom and the following conversation ensured.

Me:- Hmm, Pastor, I really respect you a lot and appreciate God works through you but what will you gain by polluting the minds of my family members about what I know nothing about. Sir' I'm not concerned about you tarnishing my image in the public, what am worried of, is you polluting my family minds and making them have bias thought about me which of course am innocent of what you said.

Pastor:- Is that all?

Me :- No sir, I just need you do me a favour, Get my family together and tell them your prophecy of me being cultist is not true and they shouldn't look at me in that light, if not, you destroying my family.

Pastor:- well, I'm sorry for the prophecy and I 'd tell your family to disregard the prophecy in church earlier. Sometimes, SOME OTHER PEOPLE ALSO COME TO MY OFFICE TO DEBUNK MY PROPHECIES, so don't worry, I would talk to you family, sorry for that again.

Me:- Thanks sir' I appreciate if you do it for me sir'.

Pastor:- I sure would, And I salute your bravery, courage and confidence, weldone.

Me:- I just smile but in my mind am like (Those are the characteristics of atheists).

Then we both returned to where my family were gathered and truthfully, he told them to disregard him saying am a cultist but what he actually meant was me being a prophet of God someday, in my mind I don laugh die (hahahahahahahhaha)

He turned to my mom and said, your son would be a prophet of God someday, they got so confused at his change of prophecy but played along but smiling but I was still laughing on the inside, infact I was literally laughing and rolling on the floor up in my mind, then he asked, what are you studying? I replied and said sociology (I lied), because sociology isn't my course of study but I wanted to detect how much fake he is, for him not to detect my lie with his ...

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GIST TWO

OVERFEDDING

Hey Ms korkus , This thing happened last week Saturday,my cousin dem carry me go one party like that and I got over fed plus all the yeye tins wey I don chop for this xmas for my hauz, they brought rice for that party,i ate,they brought cake,chocolate,all kinds of drink,i swallowed them and was still looking for more,i didn't know that the worst was about to happen.

As we dey gist dey laugh,i messed and shit follow mess dey come out for my pant,i run go enter one toilet,I had not even sat down and the thing was already coming out,as I finished,i look back no toilet roll,look front nothing,and traces of shit is still on my pant,na so me I flush the toilet carry the water wey dey come out dia watch my nyash,carry am removed the shit wey dey for my pant,dry my pant for the cloth I was putting on,wear my pant comot.if you see the way I raised my nyash up dey do guy as I was coming out of the toilet,you no go know wetin happen inside dia.lol...

*vomits*...OMG!

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GIST THREE

SALT BATH

Howdy BVarians, this is your pal of the "camel that broke the horse's back fame"

This gist happened sometime in 2014, i was stirred out of my dream by

a call from my mum at 4 am and on picking the following conversation

ensued

mum: son, i dont have much airtime, please put some salt in water and

bath with it before day breaks....... ends call

I just lay down wondering what sort of rituals will that be when i

suddenly remembered that mum still attends a white garment church,

immediately my mind went into overdrive, telling me " ol"boy, maybe na

one woli(prophet) give her the prophecy say if you bath with salt

before day break, na so your breakthrough go arrive" (i go hama), i

gently tip-toed into the kitchen because i don't want my neighbour who

i was beefing because of his the disturbance him and his gf has become

due to the daily moaning they are suffocatting me with when blazing (

kwanji wan dead mi)

I then had a salt bath went back to bed and went online only to see my

secondary school pals making fun of those that bathed with salt and

saying it was for ebola prevention, i was already fuming because i

guess mum refused to disclose the reason since she knew i would argue

like hell and still refuse to do the bath ish.

Fast forward to 5:30 am, mum called back and was like.....son...

"aunty don die o, she just fall down and die now, and she ended the

call again, you need to see the speed with which i ran to the gate

house, collected the gateman's salt not minding if he dies from the

airborne ebola virus and added it to mine and had another very salty

bath and was almost outside the gate ready to go for morning prayers

where i intend to give my testimony when mum called again and said

....."son, no be ebola kill aunty o, na witches em say e press her

neck".........

It took me 2 weeks before i recovered from the salt bath itches.

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GIST FOUR
SMIRNOFF LAUGHTER

Hey Stella,Happy new year members of bvn.

so I spent the new year with a friend and her family.

I followed her to cross over mass at the church. Before now, my friend

had told me about a funny looking man in the church and she is this kind

of person that will never turn her head when mass is going on so i

didnt bother asking her about the man.

So i set out looking for the man with my eyes immediately i entered

the church. i guess my hard work was rewarded during the homily and

una know how catholic churches dey dey quiet during that period.

 I saw him; his two front teeth were so long that his lips  couldnt

close. i tried to hold myself from laughing.

Then our eyes met, and he kinda smiled at me. then I lost it, i burst

out laughing out loud. all eyes were on me but i didnt care,  the more

i laughed, the more Mr teeth smiled at me and i laughed the more.

The priest stopped preaching and was staring at me out of confusion

It was when i noticed the church wardens coming towards me that i ran

outside still laughing.

My friend begged the 'ever ready to cast out demons' charismatic

brethren to allow her take me home.

She has been giving me Stella's monkey kinda side eyes ever since.

I cant say what really caused me to laugh like that but i suspect that

smirnoff ice i took before leaving the house.

make una vote ooo

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GIST FIVE
YOU SAID WHOT????

Hi Stella,

Sending this through. Thanks

Was speaking to a friend earlier and was reminded of this so thought to share.

This probably happened about 12 years ago. My parents are expatriates and we were in Nigeria for a couple years. I decided to enroll in the university. On this day,  my friend and I were lucky to get seats in the lecture hall somewhere around the middle of the hall. 

As usual,  there were about 150 students in the class and more outside looking through the windows in an attempt to hear what the professor was teaching. Dr. Obi (not real name) was busy explaining some chemical reactions to us. I was paying close attention and taking notes but i didn't quite understand something that he had said so i raised my hand and he motioned for me to go ahead with my question. Now, because of the nature of what was being taught, I reiterated what i believed that he had said and then asked my question at the end. This probably took me all of 20 seconds to do.

 All eyes were on me while i was talking and Dr. Obi was nodding intently while i was asking my question. When i was done, his expression guaranteed that he had heard all I had said and had a response to my question. All eyes were now on him. He took off his glasses, leaned forward on the desk in front of him and said 

' YOU SED WHOTTTTTT?!?!?!?! Dis ya phoneh..oh my God!'. 

The entire class erupted in laughter. And he had the audacity to ask me to please repeat. Huh? Repeat what? I just sat there hoping a hole would open in the ground and swallow me. My friend jokingly accused me of confusing the professor with my phoneh and gladly took up the responsibility of asking questions on my behalf whenever I had them. Safe to say that 12 years later, I have indeed come a long way.  nobody can test me with pidgin..abi who wan try? Hehehe