Sunday In House Gists.

Saturday in house gists HERE didnt get so many votes yesterday cos a lot of commenters wanted to wait for today's.......

Enjoy today's Sunday in House gists!

GIST EIGHT

PISSY PISSY

 Stella and my fellow SDK people una well done Oo 

my story goes like dis;

   I`ve always wanted to be a model,a super model for that matter but I need to be a little bit taller than I am....So there is this aunty of mine that doesn't joke with health tips. She drinks a bag of pure water each day,so she advised me to do the same and I'll see a difference in my height..My people na so my missionary journey take start...

I started drinking water like there's no 2moro...A bag of pure water or more each day every body started wondering why water doesn't last in the fridge,they don't know i am the one behind it...(Laughing out loud).

    So one day my big aunty decided to take me to her husband's villa with her for her new born baby's baptism ceremony, So me,her hubby and her 2kids(a 2yr baby and a 3month baby)went together to the villa but it didn't stop me from drinking much water tho!

   On the night of our arrival,my uncle left the room for us to sleep in.. the 2y sweertheart slept on floor with a huge duvet because of her karate nature on bed while my aunt and the baby slept on the bed..I drank enough water as usual before I went to bed...I am usually alert so that when I'm pressed I could easily use the toilet but that night it was different ooooh!..

Had no sign of urine,was sleeping happily till I noticed something unusual around 3:00am,what could that be? I had pee-ed on my body LOL CHOI!...

Big disgrace to me! 

An 18yrs...I quickly turned to my left,it was Lil Dera (the 2yrs kid)my urine had extended to her trousers(but not much o abeg!)I touched her diaper,it was still very dry!!...I am FINISHED!!..

What excuse can i make? Should I say that Dera urinated on her self but her diaper is still very dry!..Who will believe those lame lies?(Mogbe! hands on my head,I don die!!)

Couldn't sleep trying to figure out how to clean up the mess I had made out of my desperate interest in getting tall so I can model.

   Sitting uncomfortable waiting for the cock to crow so I can get to work....the 3month baby woke up and I had 2 attend 2 her I fed her with milk oo, baby oya sleep for where?! The pikin wan play she didn't know that i was not in the mood and had  a more serious case 2 take care of... Thankfully she finally slept off around 5:00am after I had tried 2 calm her down pretending 2 be happy and played with her.

 I rushed outside with the duvet and every mess I had made 2 wash dem... I didn't even notice the weight of the duvet it was like super powers from above lol... I did what I've never done b4 I voluntarily swept the entire compound mopped the entire house, I did all this things before 6:00am  (something I've not done b4 #super woman LOL) 

Went back to the room and emptied my body spray and switch on the fan...Behold every where was back to normal,my aunty woke up and was impressed with all the cleaning I did,she didn't know there was a secret behind it(my urine)LOL...

  They didnt find out till today but will probably do after reading this(but its now a joke they will only laugh at!!!...Hehehe

    THANK YOU!!!

...............................................................................................................

GIST NINE

DA-YUSHUAL

During my university days, i was posted to a village in Ogun for industrial training.

Now let me tell you a bit about the Village i was posted to. In that village, every Saturday and Sunday, there must be a party somewhere. If one grandfather did not die, it would be twenty years remembrance of another great grandfather. You know Yoruba and owanbe. Every weekend i don't cook. I and some students would go round the village on Fridays looking for obituaries and writing down the dates and venues. 

I had a special agbada for such occasions. If i knack my cap, sun shades and and fake gold chain. No security would dare ask me who i was. If i enter the venue and i discovered that all those wicked women that use to guard cooler of jollof rice with their muscles are present. I will just find my way to another party until i see one where there are waiters. Those waiters can't recognize the families of the party organizers. If you look decent and presentable, they will serve you.

So, Bili  a friend from my village who didn't understand English decided to visit on a weekend. I gave him one buba of mine while i knack my trademark agbada. So we went to a party that i have planned to crash. The party was the burial of one wealthy chief.

I selected a table very close to where the food set up was and called a Waitress to serve us. I was already plotting in my mind how to collect her number. I switched to my husky voice

" please can i have a plate of jollof and fried with salad at the side, you can add moi-moi if it is available. A little bit of ofada sauce would be nice and pepper snails would be perfect."

The lady was looking at me with curiousity after i placed my order. I knew she was pondering how i knew all i asked was available. The fourth rule of party crashing is " look into the food set up on your way to your table".

"What will you have sir" she turned to Bili.

"Hen.." Bili said

"O ni ki lo ma je" i translated.

"Haaaa" Bili breathing and rubbing his two hands together" fun mi ni abula. Ti e o ba ni un. E fun mi ni eba ati obe efo alata yeriyeri"{give me abula, if you don't have that. give me eba with vegetable soup that is  spicy}

I don't know how to translate "abula" so i told her to give him eba and vegetable soup. Immediately the food landed on our table, we fell on it like hungry lions. I noticed Bili was eyeing my food as we were eating. We ordered for beer and we started drinking waiting for gifts to be shared.

The MC stopped the musicians and said said into the microphone in yoruba

" please, everyone. There is enough food here. Please don't let it waste. Go and buy nylon if you want to take home. Drink up too. There is still more than enough for everyone. Please eat to your satisfaction. Thank you"

Choii!!!!! For my mind i was singing JACKPOT!! JACKPOT. Bili was grinning from ear to ear.

"Ogbeni" he said to me "ibi la o ku si"{ guy, we must die here}.

I called the lady again and said to her

"Please ma'am, can i have the usual?".

"What will you be eat sir" she asked Bili.

Unknown to me Bili has been listening to everything i said so he said

" fun mi ni DA- YUSHUAL".{give me DA-YUSHUAL}

I blinked twice when he dropped the bomb.

"Da kini?" I asked{the what}

"han han, da- yushual" he replied.

"Please, give him his usual." I told the lady.

Within minutes, my jollof and fried rice landed with other things on top. When, eba and vegetable was brought to Bili, he was confused and angry. He was looking at my food and grumbling. I didn't mind him as i was already fighting gulf war with my rice. After we finished, we took another bottle of star each to step down. Then, i called the lady again.

"Bros please, don't tell me it is food you want again" she asked.

"Yes" I replied.

"Bros take it easy ooo. Please don't kill yourself" she laughed

"please just give me the usual" i smiled.

"What about him" she asked making reference to Bili

"Ki lo ma je" i asked Bili{ what will you eat}

"DA-YUSHAL" Bili said with venom in his voice and pulling his ear at the lady.

I was still trying to figure out what his problems were when third round of jollof and fried landed. I was devouring my food when i heard Bili whining, heaving and grumbling at the same time. He continued rambling.

"Ibi ko ni i gbe bo" {she is not bringing it here}

When i looked up i saw the lady bringing eba and vegetable for Bili.  Immediately the tray landed at Bili's front. He exploded.

" DA-YUSHAL NI N O JE, DA-YUSHUAL NI N O JE. O SI GBE EBA BO. TA NI O O JE EBA OFO. SE EBA LE SE LO PE MI NI" {i will eat DA-YUSHUAL, I will eat DA-YUSHUAL. you are bringing eba. who will eat this unfortunate eba. Did i tell you my name is eba wonder}.

The lady was dumbfounded at his outburst. It was when he pointed at my food and said

"Se won o kin je DA-YUSHUAL ni abule yin ni?".{ don't they eat DA- YUSHUAL in your village?".

That was when The lady and i realized that he thought my food combination was called "as usual".

...............................................................................................................

GIST TEN

FOROGTTEN SHOES

Hi blog fam. i just remembered this incident that happened to me while

i was in secondary school and i thought to share with you. hope you

have a good laugh.

i attended junior secondary school at our lady of apostles,yaba lagos

while our family lived at igando towards ojo axis. i had to commute

almost 2 hrs before i would get to school. the only saving grace was

that my dad worked at cms then and i had to wake up very early so i

could go with him and he'd drop me at school and then drive off to work.

The thing was that id basically have my bath, put on my uniform,carry

my school bag and shoes to the car and i'd sleep off till my dad gets to

yaba. Around Montgomery road,my dad would wake me up and i'd wear my socks and shoes and my beret and then he'd drop me,id cross the road and enter school.

On this fateful day,my dad woke me up as usual but i was so sleepy.i

had my bath and prepared my school bag.there was no time to eat

breakfast so my dad promised to compensate me with cash which i

preferred anyway. i walked to the car with my polished brown cortina

shoes and threw them inside and put my bag inside. then i got in. i lasted

about 5 mins before i dozed off while my dad drove off. when we got to

montgomery as usual, my dad woke me up to put on my shoes and socks. i

put on one leg of socks and shoe and i started reaching down to wear the

other one. my hand hit sthe floor of the car. 

I searched under the seats but i couldnt find the other leg. in a shaky voice, i told my dad that i couldnt find my shoe. my dad parked his car and together we searched the back and  front seats of the car but we didnt find anything.

apparently,in my sleepy state,i had put in only one leg and the other

had landed on the ground and not in the car and i didnt notice. this was

bad. 

My dad couldnt carry me to work and i couldnt go home alone so the

only option was for me to go to school, but in what?luckily my dad had

a pair of leather sandals in the car and i wore them. they were a bit

big but as i've always had big feet, they werent that obvious. my dad

followed me to school to explain to the prefects and they had a good

laugh. the senior prefect was kind enough to allow me skip assembly and

go straight to my class but i assure you, that day was hell. i couldnt

go out to buy food neither could i play with friends. my friends still

tease me about it till today.

...............................................................................................................

GIST ELEVEN

SDK MEMBERS OF BV

On Saturday, I was in front of my house washing cloth,when I saw Nonso, a very popular shoemaker in my area,i called him to come and help me sew my shoe,and you know the way it is in hood,before you know it 3 of my neighbor brought their shoes too,so Nonso set to work,while I continue washing my clothes, all of a sudden Nonso shouted ''yeee aunty please what's the time''

I checked and told him ''it's few minutes past 2 o' clock''

he screamed again,and said "yeepa' immediately. He brought out one palasa phone and started pressing it,after some time,he said, this people has loaded all the card, and I asked him which card, he said I shouldn't bother,i now pressed him further, and he started gisting me about sdk blog that he is a member of bv,shuo, Nonso member of bv?

issorait.i pretended as if I don't know anything about the blog, he started gisting me about babes he has met on this blog,he said there is a particular bv he likes but she too troublesome, immediately, he mentioned the bv's name,my neighour,who is an hairdresser just started cussing him, and saying God forbid, that an ordinary shoe maker, that's when I realized that she is the popular bv that Nonso mentioned, she blew her cover,though she tried to cover up but it was too late,i still pretended as if I didn't understand what they were saying, I told Nonso to please give me his phone,so that I can check the blog, he obliged and I quickly scroll to comment box, you won't believe who Nonso is, haha,plenty people dey this blog o.

Nb- Nonso and popular member of bv,your secret is safe for now lol,but just don't cross my lane. loooool

...............................................................................................................

GIST TWELVE

Hi Stella saw this on Mark Angels FB.walk and would love to share.....

A guy went to alaba international market to buy something, and you know the way ibo guys rush customers, they were all trying to drag him to their respective shops,the guy now told them that he will like to buy from someone that has integrity, immediately, one of them said his oga has integrity.

 he now took him to his boss,and the guy said he wants to buy from a shop that has integrity, the oga said, he has now,which colour does he want cos they have different colors, and he used igbo to ask his apprentice what's integrity, the apprentice said he does not know o,he now turn to the customer that he is sorry that they have sold the last one,that he should buy something else from them and use with the integrity

...............................................................................................................

GIST THIRTEEN

THEY WANT TO STEAL MY BLOKOS OOO

Hello fellow bvs, let me share this gist from a few years back. 

One of our church members had stroke and fell into a comma. He was an elder in his sixties and so as a church worker I was assigned to check on him everyday at the hospital where he was admitted, his darling wife was keeping watch over hm . This man was in comma for two weeks and during this period his wife cleaned his body daily while he urinated through a rubber tube inserted on him. 

On the day that this man came out of coma, immediately he came out, the rubber tube was removed from his body, his wife decided to wear pampers for him. When the woman touched his private parts, she was unaware that he does not recognize anyone yet, he started screaming 

'' nurseeeee! doctorrrrr! Egbami oooo, won fe gbe oko mi lo oo, won fe gbe oko mi lo ooo!'' Meaning '' nuuurse! Doooctor! Heeeelp! They want to steal my d**k ooo, they want to steal my d*ck ooo''.

 Everyone came running to his ward only to see his shocked wife with teary eyes pleading with him. Some of us burst into long laughter to his amazement. If she wanted to steal his d**k why didn't she do that during his coma days while cleaning his private parts? Well after sometime, he was fully recovered and he recognised people around him, his wife mocked him and we all had a good laugh.