Sunday In House Gists.

Sunday in house gists begins from gists EIGHT......Saturday's ended at gists SEVEN

GIST EIGHT

 HOLY IJEBU GARRI.

Few weeks ago, we had a special 4 day program in my church and as such, we had to invited many pastors in our ministry both far and near. 

On the third day of the program, I dressed up nicely from my home, and chucked a well designed nylon bag in my pocket, and soon set to leave. 

Let me explain why I chucked the nylon...: there was no food in my home, so I planned buying Ijebu Garri from the women who sell at a very cheap prize by the entrance of my street. Perhaps,  I will be returning late when the seller must have closed, I jejely bought the Ijebu Garri and took it along to church.

Meanwhile, on the first and second day of the program, the ministers so much emphasized on sowing a special seed, come and see sisters bringing ghana-must-go full of clothes to the alter, some brethren came with TV, some sown shoes, etc. And trust the ushers, once they see you holding something alluring, they would receive you with a warm smile and organize a special seat for you. 

So, for me, I made my way to the entrance, and immediate, one yellow pawpaw usher girl beckoned at me, I suspected she was gonna give me a seat about at the front. 

As I cat walked my way to the front with a beautiful smile, everyone was looking at me like I was in to give a million dollar, lo and behold, one kid running around came from no where and flung this nylon from me, gbosa, my precious Ijebu Garri don spread for everywhere inside the church. Some people in the direction the baby flung the nylon were all bathed in this mighty Garri. Aaaawwwwww. Me when dey always form like say I no dey shit. This smallie don leak my yansh. 

To make matter worse, Pastor couldn't stop talking about it. Damn!

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GIST NINE

FINE TAXI

This is my own In House Gist. This happened back when I was in Secondary school. I was just 9years old then and my elder sister was almost 20yrs , so you know the wide age gap between us . My sister was in SS3 while I was just admitted to JSS 1. I was sooo young and Naive then. Now to my main gist, I do follow my sister home everyday, and she usually go home with her friends and

those are the big boys and girls of our school back then. It so happened

this day when we wanted to take taxi home with my sister and her friends.

 They were just talking and gisting at the junction while I

was just standing at a corner waiting till when they will finish their

talk and we will go home, meanwhile, different taxi were just

coming and going. It got to a point when I was soo frustrated, I now

decided to just wave down the next available Taxi and that was the biggest

mistake of my life. When the taxi made a U turn and my sister friends

saw the taxi, they just told me that the taxi is not fine ooo and that

I should tell him to go. 

Chai!! I almost cried because the taxi man is almost at my front.

When He got to where I was, He said I should enter now with the

others, I don't know what to say to dismiss him, and the next thing

that came out of my mouth is that, '' won sope motor yin ko fine''.

(they said your car is not fine) When He heard that, He immediately

came out of his taxi and started raining insults and abuse on us in a

very thick Ijesha dialect(Those in Ilesa will understand better).

Chai! 

It was passerbys that settles the case, as if that was not

enough oo, when my sister friends descended on me, they almost killed

me, they called me all sort of names from being dumb to not smart and

sooo many names. Kia! Dat day was a bad day for me. Since then! If my

sister decided to gist for a whole day @ the junction before going

home, I go just siddon one corner till she finish, I dare not even

breathe not to say I want to talk where my sister and her friends

are....

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GIST TEN

JOHNNY JUST COME

I wouldn't want to bore you with my long epistle, so lemme just go

straight 2 the gist.

2yrs ago after my youth service I was planning 2 further my studies

abroad preferably one of d universities in UK. My aunty resides there

and she has been making plans 4me 2 come visit her. I was so happy wit

the way the arrangement was going. Fast forward to some month, I got

my visa and was set 4 UK, My 1st trip ever to UK ....I arrived at my

auntie's house at about 9pm sha, I started ironing my clothes for next

day. She laughed at me so much and said 'NEPA no dey take light here'.

Nevertheless, I proceeded and ironed my clothes o, in case of

incasity. 2 days later, she came back from work to ask why I had not

touched the bowl of fruits on the table. 

The bowl had green grapes, clean firm yellow bananas and some big red apples - none resembled our Naija own o. I thought they were plastic aswear. I did not realize they were edible fruits, I had been dusting the fruits since I came as

part of morning routine thinking they were table decoration.

Ignorance is not bliss o! Naso shame catch me finish.

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GIST ELEVEN

THE LORDS PRAYER

Hi Stella, hope you are fine. There is this gist I want to share with the house its titled THE LORD'S PRAYER and it goes thus:

It happened during my secondary school days. 

There is this teacher of chemistry who is very good at it but he is a disciplinarian especially when it has to do with lateness. Science students do go to the lab for the class which is not too far away from the class. 

On this fateful day, the last teacher who taught us before his period did not leave on time. So on getting to the lab, he was waiting at the door with a whip that has three thongs (koboko elenu meta). Na so we know say trouble don find us; some people started begging but people like me that knew the man wasn't too good at accepting pleas refused to beg. 

There was this new girl called Lade (not real name though) who was a transferred student, she began to cry at the sight of the whip. Soon the man started beating and people dey reduce small small; her cry started getting louder, this time with a statement 'i will die tomorrow'. 

The teacher noticed her and was smiling; all of a sudden, he pulled her and she increased the pitch of her voice, as he gave her one stroke, she shouted 'i will die tomorrow' repeatedly and as the man was beating her, he started saying ' u shall not die' one stroke, but live, another stroke, to declare the glory of your lord, another stroke, in the land of the living, another stroke ; by this time she was rolling on the floor already  and the man continued beating her and people who were crying started to laugh but her cane was  uncountable before the man finally left her matter to face those remaining. 

From that day on wards, any time the man sees her, he will always jokingly say to her that ' my prayer was answered'.

I hope it made you laugh.

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GIST TWELVE

 A FRIEND IN NEED IS A FRIEND INDEED

It was in 2009 I went to visit my friend during the weekend. It got late and I called home that i was staying over. Having gotten the approval, we dashed out to a cinema, bought the things we needed. 

Then we went to our seats. We cum sit down like elders wey dey preside over village case. In my front was this guy with a mammoth head ,worst still he had his hair shaved so low the tv reflects on his big head,sometimes self I just pause, then watch on from his head to get a more nearer view. O boy this guy's head could compete with HD when its comes to visual prowess. It's the kind of hairstyle commonly call "ABOLO".

 I told my friend " emma sun must shine tomorrow and he asked why ? and I said if its doesn't, dnt you think this guy's abolo will take over as our source of light, my guy laughed.The guy head occupy space no b small and worst still na so e dey move the head up and down dey block person. Fear no let me tell ham say; bros this ur head no bi here ooo, abeg u fi put ham for one place.  I just dey vex where I sit down,na one idea enter my mind wey fi maké bros chañge seat,  na so I leave tv com focus on the guy bīg head. 

I said to myself I must conquer this head today. I carry straw(pipe)  from my drink use ham dêy blow breeze ontop bros big head. The thing tickle the guy e cum look up fan no on,e cum chill, I do ham again, na d guy detect the direction look us, na so I format my face like chidinma innocent look. by then my friend was trying not to laugh ooo ,my friend come smile give ham as him and the guy eye jam. As I blow this head for the third time,  na so the guy immediately turn launch one missile-like blow ontop my friend face,  he experience eclipse of the eye for 2min, thinking it was him. " o boy " as my guy manage open eye, e halla bros non bi me, non bi me, nai the bros shout then who? who do ham. By now i don begin dey shake like say electric pass through me.

 My friend say u just beat me for nothing  see who do ham. Gbam i jump cumot for seat go run meet security, the guy chase ne reach there ,na there i begin beg ooo , security come join me dey beg . The guy cum later rest cos my friend eye don b like three ooo e swell anyhow lol. We couldnt continue the movie cos of the incident. As we were goin home I was looking at my friend like jesus christ cos he saved me, he was looking at me like judas Iscariot. lolz We are still cool friends till today though.

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GIST THIRTEEN
NIGHT WORKER

Hello madam Stella, greetings to you and my fellow BVN's. Straight to

the gist...

I relocated from the north to Lagos.. land of hustling after school..

so I wanted to make some cash before NYSC and a friend hooked me

up with a waitress job.. in a lounge ..

So I made friends there but there's this particular girl I was fond of. ..because she's funny and down to earth and can gist/gossip u know how we girls like that kind thing. I worked night shift from 8:pm to 6:am. So my friend gist me

about some girls that they are night workers.. Since we work at night

too.. I assumed we were night workers too.. 

one day I met a guy at a party we exchanged numbers..he added me up on whatsapp we got chatting and he asked me what I do for a living and I told him I'm a night worker..I work from 8pm-6am then go home and sleep.. he was like WTF night worker? I got angry like what's this guy feeling like.. I told

him what's wrong with being a night worker? 

It's stressful when there are a lot of customers  but we get tips after serving..shey night work no be work? After all Nah money we all dey make.. the guy just said I should have some shame,fine girl like me.. say he dey help me shame..he didn't chat me up again.. even blocked me.. so I got confused and

decided to ask my friend what she meant by"night workers " and she

told me it's another word for prostitutes (ashawo) .As in I was

speechless...my sister laugh me no be small.  Ignoramus.

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GIST FOURTEEN

 BOKO

         This happened during my 100l days in a university in the south-south region of Nigeria and I just thought it nice to share, if it doesn't make you laugh abeg just think about any other funny joke after reading this and start laughing 

***broad smile**

      100l first semester, rumor had it that  a bomb threat was sent to the University and that the bombing would start from the hostels then to the school in general.  Only God knows where that rumor came from but it really got students uneasy and despite the fact that school was in session, if you see the way students were packing their luggage and running away from school, even the VC couldn't restrain them.

  Abeg who nor dey fear for im life...

 Even me sef hang my 2 left legs for shoulder, dust my slippers and disappeared to my father's house,  abeg nor be me first be undergraduate for Nigeria,abi na me act STRONG AND BRAVE season 2??????

           About 3weeks later when there was no bombing, there was a plea for all students to resume back to school. I was on my way back to school, just in front of the main gate there was a guy in front of me carrying 2 luggage showing he was also just resuming. Normally you are to show your card at the gate before entering the school and security had become so tight since the bomb threat, as I got to the security post, I was waiting for the guy in front of me to show his card, the guy opened the bag he was carrying, looking confused as though he was searching for something... 

Mehn!! the next thing the guy just dropped his luggage and took to his heels running towards the express road, I didn't wait to inquire anything oo, OPENED BAG ON THE FLOOR? OWNER RUNNING AWAY ? AFTER THE BOMB THREAT? 


Fellow Bvs naso me sef throway my bag begin dey run OO, even my shadow was struggling to catch up with me, everyone around the main gate took to their heels, security sef throway scanner run for im life, even the women wey dey sell corn for gate pick race....I had run a distance when I stopped to catch my breath,I looked back, the whole gate looked like Syria camp.. See properties for ground and not even 1 soul was there. 

     We later found out that the guy forgot the luggage containing his ID card and other documents in the bus that just dropped him at the gate, he had to run along to catch up with the bus...

MTCHEEEW ,if you see as I hisss ehn, it was later people started going close to pick their thrown away goods, so many could no longer differentiate their properties, some even picked more than they threw away.. LOLZZZZ, the Gist went viral that semester and the guy became popular, some pipz nicknamed him "BOKO"

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GIST FIFTEEN

THE CRYING POLICEMAN

Helo Stella love,

This happened sometime ago to my uncle and when he came to visit us,he gave us the gist..

My uncle has a very big dog,the dog has hair all over his body,very huge and scary looking,no one dare go near that dog except my uncle.

 So this is the gist,one day my uncle took the dog to see a veterinary doctor for injections in his car.When they were done with the doctor,he kept the dog in his back seat.

On his way back home he got to a junction where he had to slow down,all of a sudden  a policeman just opened my uncle's car and jumped into the front seat.He started harassing my uncle and telling him that he drove rough and that they were going to the police station together.my uncle started pleading with him and gave him 1k but he still refused to let my uncle go.

When they were still arguing,the dog made a growling sound and that was when the police man saw and realised there was a dog in the car,a very big and scary one for that matter.(then the following conversation started)

Police:(with a shaky voice)Nah wetin you carry for back seat?

My uncle:Nah my dog.

Police:Whr una dy come from?

Uncle:We go see person wey he bite for hospital,the person nearly die oo.nah God save am!

Police:Oga hw u take dy open this your door sef,i dy try to open am?

Uncle:How you take enter?(by this time my uncle has already locked the car door)

The dog now started breathing hard and bringing out his tongue and started moving his mouth to the policeman's left ear.the police man now started begging and sweating from every part of his body that my uncle should please open the door and let him go,my uncle refused and said they must go to the police station.

(by this time the dog has started barking and jumping on it's seat because of the noise they were making)

The policeman now bust into tears and started crying,then my uncle now start warning him and he was just answering Yes sir all through,immediately my uncle opened the door for him,He jumped out and shouted,"Nah God go punish you and your dog",then my uncle drove off laughing..(I hope i made y'all laughed)

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GIST SIXTEEN

PLUMBER'S PHONE

Stella Abeg post dis Oooooooo.

I go visit my friend. I met his dad and plumber discussing inside dere compound...

After greetings I sat down with dem waiting for my friend meanwhile I dey listen to dere conversation

Daddy: Plumber were you don dey since .... I don try your number taya. I won carry work give you now.

Plumber: Have bin around since ooo. I no even get any work for now seff.

Daddy: Den Watin do your number?

Plumber: Na my fone ooo. I don't know what's wrong with the fone.

When people call mi e go say switched off and e go dey ON for my hand.

When I call people he go tel mi say dem dey out of network coverage.

I go even charge am from nite till morning. If I ON am small na low battery e go dey shout..

And I don call customers care taya if dem fit help me do somethin...

Infact I taya for the fone.

Daddy:

ADE OOOOOOOoooooo.... ade....(calling my friend who still dey inside the living room).

Me: I was surprised that daddy did not even listen to this man's rant. I tot daddy suppose say something to console him after this kind of lamentation. He just went ahead to call my friend. As I dey reason that on my own na him my friend answer from inside.

My friend: SIR........ am coming sir..

My friend : Daddy dis is me.

Daddy: Lowo konga yen boyowa ni shishi (go and check that WELL if its opened).....

My friend went to check the well and came back.

My friend: Daddy owa ni shishi sir (Daddy the well is opened sir).

Daddy: Oya plumber mu phone owo e yen fun kolo ju si nu konga yen (Oya plumber carry that your fone give am, make him go throw am inside well.)

Daddy: I will not advice you to waste ur time on repair.

Everybody laff like......
Anytime I remember na so so laff I dey laff alone....
As I dey type seff I dey laff............