Sunday In House Gists...

Saturday In House Gists had gists one to five HERE

GIST SIX

THE DEEP SLEEP

Ehen! How una dey? This happened to me when i was about 5 years old

and we were living in face me i slap you apartment. I have a brother

and two sisters,and i happen to be the last born. Chai! To be the baby

of the house get many advantages o and in my next world i'll still try

it. So i'm this type of person that, if you wake me up from deep

sleep, i can trek from Abuja to Lagos with my eyes closed,and i won't

even know.

On this fateful day, my self and my siblings were sleeping in the

sitting room, and our mum woke us up to go to our room(myself and my

elder ones shared the same room). As per mummy's pet my elder sister was

asked to carry me but when my mum went to ease herself, she just woke

me up and asked me to follow her. I got up and started staggering to

the backyard and later landed in one room like that and slept off.

In the middle of the night, i noticed i wasn't comfortable, i was

aching all over due to the stones i was laying on and was feeling ants

moving round my body.I called out to my siblings but nobody answered

and i started crying in a low tone. This continued for like an hour

until my dad came out to ease himself and noticed our door was wide

open. He went inside to ask why the door wasn't locked and saw only my

brother and my two sisters. He woke them up and asked them where i was

but they were talking off point and weren't making any sense at all. 

He gave my brother one dirty slap, the one that can make someone to see

stars (just like Stella's auto  reset slap) tawaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Him eye clear kia kia. He said he didn't know where i was and so did

my sisters.

My mum started screaming and shouting that the witches and wizards

from her village had finally done their worse. My dad asked her to

calm down and started banging on our neighbour's doors but none knew

my where about. They all moved round shouting my name, and when i

heard it, i replied with my tiny and shakey voice "daddy i'm here" and

continued crying. One of the neighbours heard my voice and asked

everyone to keep quiet so he could trace where the voice was coming

from. He called out again and guess what????????????  Chei!!! They

found me in our local kitchen at the back yard, where our goats and

fowls sleep. Like WTH...... 

I became a laughing stock in my area but , i relocated to my parents' room to avoid stories that touches the heart and tickles bum bum.

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GIST SEVEN

AGIDIGBA NSI

Good day everyone. I read the testimony a lady gave about how strong

shit almost killed her and i remember what i passed thru on December.27,2013.

    I had a male friend that jst came back from Canada and has been on

my case since forever. But the guy forming no just get rival.the guy

asked me to acompany him to a wedding and longer-throat like me

agreed(mainly bcz he bought me some gifts).

  We went to the wedding on the 27th and went to a nearby eatery to

eat bcz he hates eating @parties.the thing pain me cos i missed the

party rice. At the eatery my guy jst dey form porsh,dey order for

things wey i no fit pronounce their names. Mtcheew,i jst ordered for

'ofe-akwu' and rice. He asked me"babe dont you think tis berra to use

fork and knife"? I told him i dont enjoy eating with them f and k.

  We started heading home when suddenly,i felt like stooling.my tommy

was swollen and can only be relieved by farting.i couldnt control it

anymore so i told the guy that i hv to shit now or die trying. He said

that was soo unlady-like. Aaah,so make shit kill me bcz i wan dey

lady-like?! There was no house or hotel around that road so,i just

told him to stop let me do it in the bush. I just tear race enter

bush,pull my jean and paent like mad woman.

  Brethren,na there i know say shit fit sentence person to death o. I

began to summone strenght from my ancestors to push this shit.the

thing was soo strong that it refused to enter inside or come out.after

spending like 10 mins in the bush trying to shit, I came out "bent

outta shape".i couldnt walk straight anymore.when i entered the car,he

asked why i wasted time and he was even frowning.i just hissed cos if

the thing gree me talk,i for curse am. After driving a while,there was

traffic jam because of village masquerades and the devil hit me again.

This time na undertaker rest-in-pieces im do me. I was sweating in an

AC car.i told him to stop again and he raised his voice to shout at me

and i jst screamed ' icholu ka nsi-oku gbuom eba'? (do you want hot shit

to kill me here?). I stormed out of the car again and ran into the

nearest bush,this time with my lipbalm. 


I started begging God for forgiveness if this was a punishment. I did the unthinkable *covers face*. I rub the balm on my anus, chaa! Hot tears rolled down my cheeks, chaa! I just vexed and dipped my index finger into my anus and drag it out,i put it again and turned the ones inside. Suddenly,the

thing just drop like rock.it tore my anus so badly and i saw blood

too. Chei! Umunnem,see relief! i turned to check and i shouted JESUS.

When i bent down to finish up my business,a masquerade and some guys

came from back and wiped me this kain long cane eehn! I shouted yeeey!

I ran out of the bush half naked,my paent was showing my trouser was

somehow down. People were just laughing and i ran passed the OLOSHI

that packed somewhr far. I ran into a shop and the owner gave me water

to wash my hands and face(my makeup already made me look like

sacrifice for amadioha). I later went back to get my high heel shoes

and phone.

   After my ordeal,the hediot was begging me to sleep in his house. I

told him 'since na my pussy you want, you go wank till your dick peel'. This

guy no even sympathize wt me.he was angry with what i said and he said

"fuck you" and i replied 'abeg fuck your ancestors and your future

generation,ur dick will shrink into oblivion, CANADIAN NNAMA(COW)!'

  One question please, abeg how una wey dey do anal sex dey manage? I

cover my anus wt the blood of Jesus!

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GIST EIGHT

MY NEW FRIEND

Please forgive my errors as you read the long and not funny gist.

I just packed into a new neighbour hood and very thing was new to me.

One Saturday, i went to the saloon in the area to make my hair. When i entered,i saw 4 ladies including the owner. They were discussing marital issues. One of them seems to know it all. She have stories to tell in every topic.

When she asked were i live, i told her and she started a story about her friend that packed out from there,How her husband turned her into a punching bag, dont give her and the kids money for food. How she slapped the man one day for beating up his wife in her presence. How her own hubby has and can never lay his hands on her . bla bla bla...... 

Two weeks later, i was in my house wen i heard a knock, it was my saloon friend. I welcomed her. I hardly knew her so we hard nothing to discuss. I brought my bead catalogues. After going through them, she started describing unexisting styles. The styles dat her husband bought for her from dubai that she used on her wedding, and traditional marriage, how she has never seen those styles before and will love to have them again.

I told her that all i need is just her wedding pics, wen i look at them dat i can make d beads for her. She said that her house got burnt 6months after the wedding and they lost everything....*sad story* 

When i excused myself to check what i was cooking, she asked if i still cook wit my condition?**i was preggy then** 

She started wit her story of "Me i wont try it ooo, when i was pregnant, from the first till nineth month, i didnt light the gas cooker, my husband does the cooking. Even now sef, if i dont have the strength to cook, i will just call my husband to come early and and cook or we all will go outside and eat; if you really want to enjoy ur marriage, you shouldnt allow a man to use ur head". She even told me the amount i should collect from my husband to buy baby things (cos that was the amount she collected from hers).,Bla bla bla... 

I envied her so much cos my own DH dont even enter the kitchen, let alone knowing how to cook.

As a new~bie in marriage,I tried putting my frnds advice into practice. Its was a long story but thanks to my Sister/L that settled our fights for us......lol

Three weeks later, my saloon friend came back. This time she came to borrow money #5,000. The only money i had on me was #3,000. After much pleadings and touchy explanations, i gave it to her. Though she promised to bring it in 2days time or i should come to her house and take it. After one week and three days, i didnt see her; i decided to visit her.

When i got to her door, i started hearing shouts of cry lik "e wan kill me ooo! i don die ooo!. I started banging the door thinking that it was my friend that was beating her house help so that i can rescue her.

I got the shock of my life wen one dark man opened the door with belt in his hand, His eyes were red. **my new friends hubby**.

"yes who are you? What are u lookin for? Who invited you here" he thundered

I wanted to apologise for intruding but i saw my new friend rolling on the floor almost naked with her son crying be his side, I feared for their life.

" please sir, am looking for mummy olamide, i dont know if this is her flat". I managed to say in an innocent voice.

"And whats your business with her?"

"she asked me to come". I answered fearfully

"She is your friend? That means all of you are same thing, thieves, liars, borrowers,pros... I cuts in " i beg your pardon sir, i will not stand here and watch you call me names. Do you know who i am? Have you seen my face before? 

That am your wife's friend doesnt give you any right to call me names. If you dont want me to come in and see my friend, you let me know so that i can go" i said out of anger as if i can do anything if he dash me one slap.

He looked at me for some seconds before asking me to come in. When i sat down, he started his story....Ghen! Ghen!!

"Madam, among all the women have see with iya ola, you seem different and more responsible (see compliments oo) so i want to tell you my story. This woman sitting here is a witch,a thief,a liar, a money borrower,a prostitute,bla bal bla. *too many stories oo**

The one that caught my attention was when he said that he never married her,that he slept with her on their first meeting which resulted to pregnancy, that he dont even know her village nor payed even her dowry,that he has done many things to get rid of her including not giving her money for food even wen she was pregnant but she wont go.the man said so many things ooo. I just started shedding tears because of many things.

1.... I received a resetting slap 

From my DH for shouting @him, telling him to enter the kitchen to cook his food cos am no longer ready to cook for him.

2.... I lost communication with my husband for two weeks (though we lived under same roof) becos i called him heartless and wicked.

3.... My husband reduced my weekly alawee, reason been that am becoming too demanding cos i asked him to give me money(amount my friend told me) to buy baby things 

**I thought about how i almost ruined my young marriage cos of my friend's advise.....

Note: I tried settling it for them but the man said that the only settlement will be for mummy olamide to live his house with her life bcos he is tired of constantly beating her and thay he will kill her one day. But iya ola said that she is not living bcos she dont want to become a single parent bcos her friends will laugh @her (case closed). So i left and i didnt ask her for the money again. 

Please.....I didnt write this to mock her but to pass a message to everybody both male and female. ............. Its not all the advice given that you should put into practice. Know ye that 

****** Fools talk because they wants to say something but the wise talks because they have something to say.

**** Always use your tongue to count your teeth**

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GIST NINE

THE MEAN PROFESSOR

Walahi some professors can be so mean. I remember there was a guy in my department back then when I was still in school. The guy was one of the big boys, macho and fashionable guys of my faculty back then and I knew he ought to have graduated but failed some courses and was currently doing his second extra year in school.

So, this day, we were all outside at the open space where things are sold in the faculty and this professor was passing by. You know those old professors that peered over their glasses and could be very mean with words. So this Jide dude was buying biscuits when Prof passed by, saw him and called to him. 

Prof: Jide, Bawo ni, how are you, 

Dude: fine sir

Prof: Ah you are buying biscuits ni?

Dude:(confused) no sir, yes sir

Prof: (looking over his glasses and talking so loudly everyone can hear). Ok o. You know this is your second extra year.

Dude (nervous) yes sir. It was obvious he was praying in his heart for Prof to just stop and go. 

Prof: hmmm (shaking his head) I hope you've heard sha?

Dude: heard what sir?

Prof: it's Prof Alade that we start taking that course  you've been failing next year not me and I hope you know what that means?

There was a pause and  Jides face was comical to look at. Now guys, for a little background, Prof Alade is a very scary and terrible lecturer in our department who loves failing students for no reason and he's been on sabbatical for a while and just got back. He's far worse than the Prof who was talking.

Dude(replies): No sir.

Prof adjusts glasses with a wicked smile and said 'Jide, that means next year, you'll still be here buying biscuits...'

Every‎one just kept quiet and concentrated on what he/ she was doing while Jide kept looking at the biscuits like it brought him bad luck. But, sincerely, the Prof just spoilt all his fine boy that day.

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GIST TEN

DOGOYARO SLAP

The dogoyaro last week reminded me of something that happened when i was a kid.

We were at my father's shop at umule when my mom sent me home to tell our house-help to go to the neighboring compound and pluck some dogoyaro leaf. Being my first time of hearing dogoyaro, i was singing it as i went home so i wont forget it, unknown to me that the devil was planning a coup for me. 

There was a barber's shop along the way that has a very small TV, and we saw that TV as a special one and whatsoever that is being aired on that TV, small kids like me will gather as if it's a special program. On that day as i took a glance at the TV, it happened that the TV was playing Bright Chimezie who who happens to be my favorite artist. The TV was playing Bright Chimezie's zigima and i got carried away in watching it till the song ended. On my way to the house for my mom's errand, i started singing zigima on my way.

 As i got home, i told our house-help that my mom said that she should go to the neighboring compound and pluck some zigima leaf{***gbagauuuuuuuun***}. Surprisingly to me then, our house-help told me that she doesn't know anything called zigima, ah ah ah. she asked me if I'm sure of what of what my mom said and i almost insulted her bcox i was a stubborn boy then and i also believe i am now. 

Anyways to cut the long story short, i went back to the shop and told my mom how i went and how our house-help said she doesn't know anything called zigima {gbagauuuuuuuun again} what i saw was seven lucky stars when a hot "Terry G free madness" slap landed on my cheek and reseted my future. I had to take another route to avoid that "special TV" and "Bright Chimezie". My new song became dogoyaro ogwu iba, dogoyaro 

ogwu iba. 

Till now i still feel the impact that dogoyaronic slap.

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GIST ELEVEN

POLICE WAHALA

Hehe..so this happened recently when I was still in school in my lodge..didn't want to send it then cos I was a little bit scared..I no sabi weda the policemen na SDK readers..lol

So,this was around 9pm,inside the bathroom about to shower when I heard one careless knock.. I was so angry at the knock I just shouting ''who be that wey follow me pay house rent''

Next thing I heard was police..lol..I started dressing up again..I opened my door see as police men scatter for my lodge..that they are searching rooms and we were just few in the lodge like only final years.. 

Policeman: so na me you they shout at like that...

Me: sorry sir,I thought it was my lodge guys

Policeman: ( he came in): wey your boyfriend?

Me: sir..I live alone here..its my room..

Policeman: ehh,so if Cold hold you for night,wetin you go do,abi you go do your teddy for night.
Cos he saw a big teddy on my bed..I was shocked and confused..searching rooms and asking me stupid questions..so I didn't answer him..

Policeman: (high tone now) I will carry you into the van now..answer me..

Me: sir,I'm a Christian ,I don't do such..besides I'm not married.

Policeman: oh you be virgin now..oya show me how you dey do am..use your teddy show me how you dey do am..

Me: (getting vexed now): opened my door wide cos it was a bit closed..  Oga..I say I no they do..you dey ask me to do..( with fear)

Immediately.. the head police or whatever they are called now called the man that they had gotten what they want and they  left.. That's after carrying some guys laptops and all.
Lol