Sunday In House Gists.

Sunday in House gists continued from Saturday in house gists number 1-5

GIST SIX

SISTER KATE THE MIRACLE WORKER

Good day Stella and fellow bvs.
I have this gist I want to share with you all.The gist is about my naughty brothers and their friends and a sister in our compound back then.  It happened long ago while I was still in primary school.

I grew up in a village in Anambra state. In our compound,we have a sister named Kate. She was a perfect example of a two faced christian.  She slept with married men and young guys. My brothers snoop on her and we hated her.

She was a prayer warrior in a church we call odozi obodo(nation builders).Every one calls her mama and trust me we don't sleep well due to her noisy prayer sessions.

At a point,she became more popular than the pastor and people started coming to her house(our compound) for private prayers. Some men will stay back in the room for personal prayers. Most of her members were men and some had to drag their wives to join.
This development did not go down well with the pastor who accused her of trying to snatch his members from him.

The pastor pleaded with her to stop but for wia,she refused as she was making money out of it. She buys oil and bless and sell to them.
She blessed water as in holy water for them. It became so serious  that we would be sleeping in school as if we attended her vigils. We reported her to the landlord, unfortunately the landlord was into her too so nothing came off our report .

Did I mention that she would disturb us all night and slept all day as she  stopped going to work when her maga started paying?

My elder brothers would play loud music to disturb her siesta but for where? She does not wake up.
We started thinking of how to stop the mini church growing in our compound and my brothers came up with this amazing plan that ended up working  so well but in a funny way.

Sister Kate holds midnight prayer every Monday, Wednesday and Friday
The plan was that my brother will climb the tree under which they hold the prayer with water in a watering can and pour it on sis Kate's congregation to scare them away.
We waited patiently for the right time. My brother rushed his dinner and climbed the tree with the watering can full of water and started waiting.
Their prayers has stages - testimony,praises,intercession and so on.
During the time for praises,my bro started releasing the water in drops,you know watering can has openings like shower mouths.
As the water started dropping like raindrops, the members got excited o. 

Thinking it was showers of blessing.
Their praises got louder and speaking in tongue intensified. Even sis Kate was 

confused.
They prayed all night that day. They didn't disperse as planned and my bro had to sleep on the rough tree. He couldn't  sleep sef ,he prayed with them.
The next vigil day, on Wednesday,the number of the members tripled,even Mumsy was considering going to join them.The news was everywhere that Sis Kate performs miracle.
My brothers and other kids in the compound were so disappointed.

So on Friday,they all planned to climb the tree with different kegs.
That night,as the prayer got heated up they all started pouring water o and the congregation went mute as it was so obvious that the water was not rain.

One of our neighbour who never liked the whole praying thing(dunno weda Kate refused his advances) dashed into his room to bring out his torchlight. Lo and behold, there were about four boys on the tree with empty water kegs on their hands.
The prayer scattered. The people started shouting at one another. The prayer never happened again and sis Kate parked out the next week because she could not bear the side talks as people actually thought she bought my brothers to do the water miracle.
My dad thrashed my brothers but then,the mission was accomplished.

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GIST SEVEN

BOARDING HOUSE BLUES

Greetings to you Aunty Stella.. and my fellow BVs.

Straight to the gist.

This happened during my secondary school days..

It was a military school so soldiers were everywhere in the school except female hostels at night. So this beautiful morning we were in class and this very huge scary looking soldier walked in.. 

I recognized  him immediately as part of the team of  soldiers that

entered hostel to chase us out the previous day.. the man started by

telling all the boys to stand up and start clapping for all the girls

in the class.. he said with all his training he no know say fear fit

catch am.. till he entered girls hostel..well I know why he was

applauding us .

The previous day..

Me and some girls were tired of going for classes after exams,so we

decided to stay back in the hostel like the bad girls do..wetin!!

 They get two head? The risk involved is if soldiers catch you.. your life

don finish.. because that day will be one of your worst day on

earth...(we all know soldiers cane and punishment is not a play

thing)but if you are not caught you are safe.. respect go increase.

We were inside drinking garri when somebody shouted soldiers and house

mistress are in the hostel compound. See running.. Everybody

scattered..to go hide. They entered three of them with one wicked

woman.. so they started shouting "come outside and your punishment

will be less"if we catch you your name will be sorry,nobody show..

ultimate search begin.. they were opening doors,ward ropes,entering

rooms.. still nothing..

One of the soldiers just provoke.. this children are inside here we

saw them run in.. ''search everywhere'' he shouted.. 

one of them opened a small book locker jokingly..laughing  abi person fit hide here..he shouted 'Jesus Christ' when he saw somebody inside,the girl ran away..

some were found under where only buckets could fit in ..one of the men

was staying close to a very neat laid bed.. then he noticed the bed

was breathing up and down.. he called his colleague,abeg look this bed

for your eyes too the bed they breathe? 

The man shouted person they inside.. so they pull out the bed sheets and noticed it was double bed.. the girl slept in between the beds and have someone lay it neatly.. Some zip themselves in that big "Ghana must go"bag. There's

this treasurers room it's always dark.. even during the day because

the only window for light rays to  pass through was partially blocked by

another building,the wicked mistress entered and didn't see anybody..

used torchlight still didn't see anything. I wondered why because i saw

Esther entering the room , then thinking they were through on their

way out one of the soldiers decided to check the room again.. 

then he saw one eye on the wall blinking he shouted blood of Jesus The woman

brought the torchlight lo and behold it was dark skin  Esther resting

on a book locker with her back to the wall cover her whole body to her

neck with blanket.. and one eye with scarf then left one eye open..

Esther cane plenty sha because they say she be witch. All this while I

with my small body was inside a huge basket(the kind some people use

for dishes or laundry cloths) wrapped in blue mosquito net with a

mathset box(the metal box that looks like mathematical  set but bigger) on top the basket right in the middle of the hostel  that they

passed a thousand times.

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GIST EIGHT

BUKKY'S PRAYERS ANSWERED

Hi Stella.

I was living in Abuja early 2003 and I had this neighbour with two children- Michael and Bukky. Micheal was 3years while Bukky the sister was 5years. They were from Ilesa. Due to Bukky's mum nature of work, she sought for a house help from her home town through her mother called Toyin. 

Toyin was a very dirty girl and her teeth was filled with calculus that you would not want her to do anything for you. Because of these traits, Bukky and her brother detested her like anything. All Toyin does was household chores and was never allowed to cook nor serve the children, if she does touch their plate of food  the children would not eat the food no matter how hungry they were. We were both attending CAC church as well in the neighbourhood.

The church started a programme imploring parents to teach their children how to pray. So every morning, parents were encouraged to let their children pray no matter how short.

As these teaching progressed, children were told to tell God what they want. Bukky's mum told me that on a Saturday morning she asked Michael to pray and he prayed thus; In Jesus name

Family chorused ; amen

Afterwards no word.

Daddy asked Bukky to pray and she prayed thus;

In Jesus'name. Oh God, you know i don't like sister Toyin, her teeth is smelling please God help me to send her back to Ilesa. Help me so that my daddy and mummy can take her back to grandma.She continued to say help me to send her  back until Bukky's father rolled from his knee because he could not control his laughter. Bukky was very serious pouring her heart to God but her mum could not say amen again but Michael was looking at her Dad.

The family stopped involving them in the early morning prayers because Bukky always prayed against Toyin the househelp.

Not quite long, Toyin was impregnated by a driver on the street and she was returned to Ilesa when the driver denied the allegation. 

I was shocked when I was told God has answered Bukky's prayer.

The day her Dad took the girl back I was told Bukky was very happy.

Child innocence at age 5.

Have a pleasant week ahead fellow living beings.

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GIST NINE

MUMMY HAS BEEN DOING IT

This is how the story goes...We were brought up in a good,christian and morally upright way. My sister and I had decided to wait till marriage before having s3x. She got married this year and whenever she gives me s3x gists with excitement, I tell her I want to do to. Then she says, you are almost there na, just keep waiting, husband will soon come, s3x is overrated sef. At that point I just make faces at her and say me too I want my overrated joor!

So this particular day, two years ago, I was sleeping in the room before an abara ( an unexpected hard slap) on my back jerked me to consciousness. It was my elder sister waking me with so much excitement and shock. She said she just had a conversation with my mum that went like this:

Sis: Mummy being a woman in this generation isn't easy o

Mum: I don't understand you, what exactly do you mean?

Sis: Do you know that there are now stuffs that a woman has to do s3xually in marriage now?

Mum: Such as?

Sis: Blow job

Mum: *confused* What exactly is a 'blow job' ?

Sis: *ermm** cough** you know, when a woman sucks a man's Penis and.....

Mum: *cuts in quickly* mtschewwwwwww....

Sis: You see, I told you women are suffering, choii...

Mum: Mtschewww..... Just sucking Penis is now suffering? Its not new na, how do you think women have been keeping their homes all these while????

Sis: OMG!!!!! Mummy!!!!! Jesu!!! Runs to the room to wake me..

Me: Jesus!!!! Please don't tell me mummy and daddy have been doing it!!!!

Sis: Of course na, mummy too has been keeping her home!!

This is a true life story and it happened to us. I hope it made you smile...

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GIST TEN

'FIRE' AUNTY TALATU

So after struggling to balance up work schedule and handling three kids at the same time, hubby and I decided to hire a house help. We got a newly married woman who lives around and the schedule was for her to resume in the morning and leave by evening when I get back from work. Because the kid's school bus comes around 7am every morning,  and also considering the fact she's newly married, I magnanimously asked her to resume duty by 6:45 am everyday instead of 6:30.

 The first day, which was Monday, she resumed work by 7:05. Tuesday, 7:00am. Was angry but because I needed someone to stay home with my son and also the fact that I had no plan B, I kept my cool. Wednesday, she resumed by 7:15am, yeepa! Thursday, she came 7:30am. I concluded she wasn't serious about the job despite talking to her so I decided to just let her go. Guess what? On Friday, she resumed work by 7:45 am!!! Hia! 

I've had enough! 

So when I got back from work that day I FIRED her!!! Now here is the fun part. I have two girls, 5 and 3 year olds and in my bid to encourage communication between us I tell them almost everything. So after I FIRED her, I called the girls to inform them i've FIRED Aunt Talatu and that she'll no longer be coming to work in the house, i then headed back to the kitchen to continue what I was doing. After like five minutes, my 3 year old strolled into the kitchen and the following conversation ensued

3 year old: Mom?

Me: Yes?

3 year old: Why did you FIRE Aunt Talatu?

Me (Casually): Because she comes to work late...

3 year old: (Silence) then she said "Did you FIRE HER WITH MATCHES?"???

Matches ke, lol.... Next thing I knew, i was was on the floor laughing as hard as I could. Apparently, my 3 year old thought by FIRE, I meant I lit up Aunt Talatu with MATCHES!

Well, she didn't even care I was laughing so hard, she went on to say if I FIRE her again, she was also going to FIRE ME (with matches of course).... LOL

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 GIST ELEVEN

THE MISSING PANT

Una well done Ooo my story goes like this;      

 Am the type of person that procrastinates a lot and could be careless at times but this wasn't actually my fault...

  One night I woke up because I was uncomfortable I checked my time it was 12am (mid night) my menstruation had showed up and stained me badly I had no other choice than 2 go wash up I was so tried taking my bath at that hour was just like a punishment but I had 2 do it... So I decided not to wash my undies so I could quickly go back 2 sleep I wrapped it (my panties) in my dirty short so I could wash them together the next day (Saturday).

    The next morning I totally forgot about them till the next day (Sunday) I was arranging the wardrobe then suddenly it fell out, immediately my aunty called me in the kitchen I left it 2 answer her, when I got back I went to 2 pick it where I dropped it I couldn't find it (ahhhaaan some thing I kept exactly at this position did it grow legs?) I went crazy turning the room upside down still couldn't find it (didn't know that my little cousin of 2yrs had taken the pant 2 the parlor where her dad and his male visitors are)

 After looking every where in the room I went 2 the kitchen 2 check if I went there with it (am not that stupid na but I had 2 be sure) I even asked my aunty if she saw it in the kitchen when I came 2 answer her call, she replied "And what will your pant be doing in my kitchen" ?

  I left back for the room at the door of the room I suddenly paused wait Oo let it not be what am thinking? that my cousin is the 1 that took that pant am looking 4 I went in search of the girl and finally saw her from a distance at the parlor with my blood stained pant (hands on my head mogbe! see packaged embarrassment) at this point I was confused should I just go and collect my pant there? 

My uncle already knows its not his wife's pant so its definitely mine (my face looking like a kid who got beaten and had her candy snatched from her) was still looking at my cousin seriously playing with my pant, first she showed it to her dad of course she doesn't know what she was doing my uncle didn't reply her because it was also embarrassing 4 him in front of his visitors his daughter was holding a blood stained pant.

 When he saw me staring from a distance he yelled my name (with anger oO) I went 2 answer him he pointed at the pant and asked me ''is that not your pant''? (In igbo language) I almost died of embarrassment.... 

His visitors saw the pant too I just took it and left 4 the room immediately I didn't come out till they left even after they did I wished the ground would just open and swallow me lol

 Ever since then I never kept things like that at the reach of my cousin no matter how busy I am because I don't want any embarrassment of any kind lol thanks.

BV Cocoz over to you for the collation of results.