Sunday In House Gists..

Yesterday in Saturday In House gists,we had four gists and most said they were ''just there''...I hope todays own makes you laugh as much as i did...

If you picked a winner yesterday with your ID you cannot pick today excpet you denounce and re-pick.

Anonymous votes do not count please.

GIST FIVE

MISSING FATHER

Hi Stella. Hope you're enjoying your weekend?

After reading the 'daddy's girl' post today, i remembered one gist. I hope we can enjoy it and also learn lessons from it.

I was in JSS2. I have 5 siblings and only the eldest was in university at the time. But she was home that period. My dad, used to travel a lot because of the business he was doing. There was  no GSM that time, the only land phone we used to use was at the neighbors. so he would always say when he would be back and we would expect him. if he cant make it, he would call the neighbors land phone.

 My dad is someone who is not into details and my mum is the queen of overreaction. Very dramatic woman!And she loves attention.

On this particular trip, my dad did not return on the said date and forgot to call the neighbors. Stella, my house was in chaos. We held up for two days, but after that we started behaving like we had lost our dad. I remember we did not want to got to school on the third day, but my mum forced us that day. That we should go and not be moody at home. 

We got to school and told everyone my dad was missing. See teachers telling us sorry. Even my uncle that dropped us reported to the principal that we should be handled with care because our dad is yet to be found. They prayed for us during assembly. That was the time that people used to go missing without a trace, and two people in our neighborhood had been abducted with no trace. So everyone was paranoid.

My uncle went to make a report at the police station, they started looking my dad all over Lagos. All his friends that heard were trooping to the house with their wives. On the 5th day, my uncle came to pick us up, we asked him if there was any hope, he said "Please let's hurry up, we cannot find your father and your mum can't be home alone at this time". See crying from school to the house. We got back from school to see all my mother's friends, neighbors and colleagues gathered around her. She wore black and she was weeping. 

neighbors were bringing food to the house of the ' bereaved' that couldn't cook and telling us to be strong for our mother. There were about fifty people. My mum was on the floor and they surrounded her. Some of them were crying. we entered and joined in the cry. She was saying "what would i do with all these children now? where do i start from?"

Stella, IN THAT VERY DRAMATIC MOMENT, we just heard my father's voice: 

"PEACE BE UNTO THIS HOUSE! ANY FOOD? PLEASE I AM VERY HUNGRY".

 It was like a dream. As soon as he entered the parlour, My mother just got up and gave him a very dirty slap. He was confused as to why she would slap him like that and was wondering what we were celebrating that there were so many guests. Then she broke down there and then and continued crying. Everyone was now telling him what has been happening. He burst into serious embarrassing laughter. 

He said his car broke down at Aba, then he decided to visit an old family friend he hasn't seen in a while and he spent a few days there. He had to buy a new engine and get it fixed, bla bla bla. Even went to the neighbors to call the man in his office to confirm. Even gave my mum the letter and wrapper that the wife gave him to give her. Now apologized for not calling. That he knew he had made provision for us before he left, so he thought we would be okay. 

Since that day, if my father stays one minute extra out of town he would bombard the whole place with calls, especially now that there is GSM. Na we go dey beg am "Daddy we have heard ooohhhh" .

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GIST SIX

GEORGY THE THIEF

Hi Stella, please allow me to share this gist from way back when I was a Receptionist in an Hotel in Lagos.

In this Hotel, there were strict laws to prevent stealing by staff and one of the laws was to drop any bag you brought from home at the security post, when you close you pick it from there and go home. There was one new guy in the kitchen, an assistant to the Hotel Cook, his name was George but we called him Georgy lols. 

Georgy had come to me several times complaining about the wastage in the kitchen, how plenty food got spoilt everyday because staff only ate once in a day and only few guests ordered for food because of the price. He also said he would have been 'helping' them to eat the food if not for the very tight security. 

I however warned him against stealing. One Friday, i noticed that Georgy was unusually happy, so i asked him what was responsible, he joyously told me that his girlfriend was around, waiting for him at home, and that the girl was schooling in a University in the North and they had not seen each other for over 3months.

Georgy was in this joyous mood till around 6pm when he closed and told me goodbye. Few minutes later, as I was still handing over to my colleague before closing, we heard noises coming from the entrance area. We moved close only to find Georgy arguing with the Security man. It happened that the Security noticed that Georgy's pockets were unusually swollen as he was about stepping outside, he was asked to show the content of pockets, he refused and started shouting. We now intervened and begged Georgy to obey, he did not bulge, the security man now called the second security man in the premises, they now forcefully deep their hands into Georgy's pockets, two heavy fried chicken laps fell from the two pockets....they removed Georgy's cap, five fried gizzards fell out. 

Georgy had started begging now....

 One of the security men now removed Georgy's trousers, he was wearing one tight boxers like that, he now tucked his singlet into the boxers, they just told him to bring out all the remaining meat or else he will be stripped naked completely, his boxers produced one more chicken lap while one packet of maggi and two satchets of tomato puree fell out of his singlet. 

Chai! By now, some guests and two more staff had joined us, the security men just put a call through to the Director and he asked them to chase Georgy away. 

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GIST SEVEN

An Embarrassing Call

It was a chill evening, rain just fell and i was on my bed, then i remembered Biola.

This was around 2009, we had been friends for like 6months, although we do chat on facebook seldomly. she requested for my number which i typed and sent on chat but she never gave me hers, all she said was that she would be calling me. she called most times, hiding her number, i didn’t bother to query since she calls often, one day she called with the real number and i saved it, after that, she went back to her hidden number calls again. so on this fateful day, i decided to surprise her, i was gonna woo her.

 Had waited enough, this evening was the time. a perfect evening. wanted a love poem, well,google was my friend. picked up the phone and dialled her number, she picked, before she could say anything, i quickly offload my poem

‘’when i close my eyes, i imagine us holding hands and smiling,

just at the thought of being together, i imagine hugs and kisses

mister and misses.

together forever,

through the worst,

and through the better.’’

I sighed and said Biola baby, what do you say to that. A deep voice responded  nice poem, this is Mr Adeyanju, Biola,s father, and who are you?.

I stammered and said sorry sor.. sorry.. sir....then i dropped the call. 

So this is why biola always hid number. a chilling evening turned sweaty. next time we chatted, she told me how her dad scolded her, telling her if she carry belle come house, na broomstick he go use chase her.   

Before she got her own personal phone, whenever she calls with her dad's number, i go first chill say ‘’hello Mr Adeyanju.. then i’m always relieved when she says ‘’silly you, its Biola jare...

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GIST EIGHT

All Drivers are asleep...

Anyone who lives successfully in Lagos will survive anywhere else,

except hell fire. The hold ups and the danfo 'higihaga' can make a

spineless driver run mad. 

Lagos appears in order now anyway, unlike the temper and temperature the obstreperous nature may assert on you several years back.

That's why the young driver had come from a Foursquare Church in Lagos

to pick me to a friday vigil. I ministered for a few hours in the

night and I needed to hurry back to Oluyole.

I needed to hurry back to the capital of Oyo the following morning and

the Lagos-Ibadan express way was soon aware of our speed. The streams

of air blowing into the latest white sienna was most soothing. It

wasn't my car; that was perhaps why I felt a strange breeze. The

breeze entered my ears and came out through the nose. In no time, the

minister of God was off.

I dozed off and I began to have nice dreams.I saw the pictures of

beautiful flowers in a fine garden.The street was made of gold and

every house was golden. It reminded me of heaven... Despite that,I was

still conscious of the horn blasts and highway gears. Then suddenly,

it occurred to me, in abstract thoughts, that if I was this tired and

dozing off, what of a driver who drove all through yesterday? I felt

the driver must be a very hardworking man. So, I adjusted to look at

him and appreciate him before proceeding on another dozing mission. I

had actually positioned my head in a way that no pothole would produce

a headache.

As I opened my eyes, come and see what I saw...

MY DRIVER TOO WAS OFF!!! ON LAGOS IBADAN EXPRESS WAY!

 I shouted "Jesus"!

Nobody taught me! No more positioning of head for sweet dreams! My

eyes turned sharp and clear till I got to Ibadan!

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GIST NINE

Daydreaming At Four points .......            

   The organisation I work for (No bobo).For one, they send me for lovely trainings in and out of the country! And that was how they sent me, together with twenty nine other colleagues of mine, for a week training on
Actualising Goals and Dreams at Four Points by Sheraton!

Somehow, I knew how boring it will be listening to someone tell me stuff about
iceberg and working more on things below the sea level bla bla bla but a week at Four Points by Sheraton felt like summer holiday in Dubai (Not that I've been there but I've heard some "shitless" girls compare it to heaven)

I got there three months before my colleagues ( I'm sure you know when I'm exaggerating) I got all mushy just walking into Four Points by Sheraton. The reception, the lighting, the...the...the..awwwww!

When I got to the training room, I wondered if it were my wedding! Ah ah! Maybe my husband (whoever that is) wanted to surprise me by inviting me to my wedding. The hall was perfect! All that was missing was my
family, my wedding gown and the groom. I wasn't sure where I was anymore.
I walked in quietly in fear that I might break something. I nearly carried my big hand bag on my head just to be doubly sure that it doesn't hit and break something mistakenly. I no get land for village to sell o.

My colleagues started coming like 10 minutes after I did! For some funny reason, everyone was quiet! Those that talked did so in
whispers Then, the groom arrived!
Tall, fair and carelessly handsome. O...M...G!!
He walked in long strides! His well polished shoes made the most perfect sounds! The room went dead quiet. His suit was made just
for him with the trousers tight around his well shaped ass (can't believe I wrote that). He stood like a god facing us all.

"Good morning", he said.

Damn! Baritone! Sexy! Damn!!
He introduced himself and the course.
Whatever, not like I heard. For some seconds, I cursed whoever made the projector. All I wanted was a black board and whatever color of chalk. I needed him to turn around and write on it so I can a good look at his back
side! Please turn. Turn around, please! Like he heard my silent plea, he did! D..a..m..n!!!!!!

Introductions went around in turns! My temperature increased just waiting for my turn. The closer he got to me, the more nervous and hot I got. And bam...my turn.
"I'm Lily but I'm called ...." He placed his hands on my table. I did a quick scan, no ring;no ring mark. I looked into his eyes and he stared right into my soul. I could feel my heart beat. I hoped it won't break my rib cage.

And just when I felt his lips on my neck behind my ear, he moved on to the next
person. Gosh!! Don't leave me like this, please. I was holding on tight to the hem of my skirt.

"Behave, babes! Behave! Don't act all starved! Mum raised you right". What didn't I tell myself to calm myself. I vowed to listen! No distractions!
He started with some Philosophers'
statements and stuff...

"People buy into you before they buy into your
product...Oh yes they do. I bought into you a long time ago. If you would let me, I plan to keep buying. Chai. He walked round the room like
he owned us all. I don't mind being owned by him. Make me your slave forever...

"Goals are set, some achieved; others not. There are many reasons why goals are not achieved..."
Dude, having you is a goal I've set the moment you walked gloriously into the room and I plan to achieve it. Nothing is gonna stop me. I looked at every girls' face in the room to make sure none was as lovestruck as I was! I scanned through the guys too. One can never be too sure these days.

"...Willpower is the ability to stay focused despite all challenges. You have to master your willpower..."

It seems I've been busted. Whew! He knows I'm not focused and now he's lecturing me indirectly. Lily listen!! I was still chiding myself when the class laughed out hysterically. 

I just missed a joke. Lily, please listen!
He continued with a story.

"One day, my balls and I went for a bid... I laughed out loud. I opened my mouth wide open and let the loudest laugh out of it.
Hahaha! I wondered how big his balls were for him to tell a story about it! I fixed my eyes on that region of his trousers as I laughed uncontrollably. Then I quietened down, opened my eyes that were closed by tears and saw
everyone starring at me. Ehm...what have I done?
"Are you ok?", he asked with a bewildered look on his face.
I nodded in response.
He continued with his story. "Like I was saying, my boss and I went for a bid..."
Babe, how the heck did you hear balls? He said boss for pete's sake! I don mess up sha.
"...Our conscious, subconscious and unconscious minds affect each other. They
always have intercourse with each other...

Call it whatever you want, sweet. Intercourse!
Love making! S3x! Shag! F*ck! Call it whatever! I want it as far as I'm having it with you, anywhere and anyhow you need it.
Standing, kneeling, hanging, tied...just say it and I'm yours!

"....as we move on in life, remember to encourage others! Imagine encouragement to be you covering a naked man with courage..."

I'm naked, boy! What are you waiting for before you cover me with your bodily
encouragement!? I need encouragement. Please, darling!
"...what turns you on?"
Was he talking to me?
"...what drives you?"
YOU!!!! You turn me on with the way you talk, with the flash of your white teeth, the curl of your red lips, your deep brown eyes, with the
way you keep licking your lips with your
tongue...! Gosh! Come drive me....
"...We'll be back here tomorrow to talk about
Success...
What? My God!
What have I done to myself? I've learnt nada!
Nada at all!!!

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GIST TEN
OUTING GONE WRONG

Make una no vex say my story long small...

2 years back I went to my cousins place in Lagos to spend some time , though I didn't really like going there cos the dad is a disciplinarian and a very active church person, no day wey we no dey go church, ( men, women, youth fellowship, all join ). Fast forward to the main event ........

My uncle and his wife travelled on a Friday  and wouldnt be back till Monday, omo come see jubilation ,total freedom,just be like say arsenal win champions league. 

Then I was like guy(my cousin) how far na , you no go carry me comot ? he was like where do you wanna go and I said anywhere wey better dey happen 

he said no pee we go comot.

Grooving throughout the day then evening came , naso my guy carry one of his old mans car naso we zoom off. 

I always think that my guy na one SU guy like my uncle,  damn! I got it all wrong mehnn! my cousin bad no be small, first we went to a club  took few bottles of high and chicken then we left the place to another joint , as we were drinking the bar man walked up to us and was like bros we get stripping club right over there just in case you are interested.....

 my guy was like so how far are you interested? I said anything he said mehn. Buh instead wey we go follow enter the strippers domain together he decided to go dey well with one olosho. 

At the entrance of the strippers room there was this very huge bouncer , I greeted him and ask watz up about the place and the payment and he was like no payment bro you jes have to make sure you take something when you are inside( like its a must) for my mind I was like wow! that sounds pretty cool , jes to take something ba no shit then.

As I enter I see one stripper dey roll for center pole , I sidown dey look dey feel mysef , few minutes later a waiter brought a list of drinks with their price to me, I collected it and check , to my greatest surprise the cheapest drink there is table water and it cost #1000 , I was like yeppa! 

I don hear am today 1k on top water?

 All the money wey dey my hand na #500 and my guy no dey around chai!! 

I say make dem give me the water naso dem bring am com. As dem open the water like this the naked girl wey dey my front automatically be like say she don pack cloth full body , me wey been dey high small small before na so my tin jes sharperly relax. 

I waka go meet the bouncer say I dey come , the guy asked me if I don pay for my drink I said no , he now asked where am going , I said I jes wanna see my guy he replied that I should call him. from there my heart don start to dey beat faster like person wey don run 800m relay race.

 I called my guy he no gree pick , after somtime the bouncer been con dey suspect say something dey wrong, he asked me if I have paid  again I said no , then he was like pay na abi you no get the bar ni, I said make him calm down say the bar dey. 

1hr later my guy never still show up , I was like am finally dead today , one way or the other I snuck out of the place go sidown for inside car cos the key dey with my guy , next tin wey I go hear like this na the sound of broken glasses, Oboi! 

this  mad bouncer don break the car side screen, naso wahala burst oo, few minutes later my guy show up see car as e dey naso him sef start him own wahala oo.

Long story short, police came and packed all the people involved go station , as in ehnn e no funny at all.

Eventually we had to call my uncle cos we needed somebody to come bail us out and the money involved was too much , first thing Saturday morning my uncle don show up , seriously furious , after him don bail us finish come see vex come see preaching, come see talk , as we reach house dem say make I go pack my load , sharp sharp dem don deport me, call my papa explain everything to am..................

my people till today I still dey suffer am small small cos I was brutally murdered, lolz....no more time to go into details the write up is long already.