Saturday In House Gists.

Presenting Saturday In House gists....Thats all I have for today.Let's see what tomorrow brings!

GIST ONE 

DOGONYARO

Good afternoon people. I just remembered this experience I had some months ago and thought I should share.

     There was this mad man that roamed around where I live, we called him DOGONYARO, he loves stealing ladies wears and wearing them...ranging from gowns to tops to leggings(his favourite), anything lady-like you can think of,he loves and once he is able to lay hands on them, OYO is your case. So on that particular day, I was supposed to hang-out with some friends.

 Omo I got dressed on time oo looking cool( you know how you dress to impress when your going to meet some friends after a long time and you don't want fall your hands) but when I called the others, they were not ready at all so I had to wait a while at home for their call before I could leave( you know that moment when your restlessly waiting for "the call"). I later got the call after an hour, did some finishing touches on my make-up and stepped out of my house feeling happy with the way I dressed.

 As I left my compound, I was happy that dogonyaro was out of sight, so I started my walk under the sun to the fast food where we were to meet. I walked past some girls who were forming fresh as they looked like they were going for an occasion all dressed up and looking good. Looking ahead I saw some guys just around the corner drinking and chatting while looking at the girls and myself,in my mind I was comparing myself with the other girls and imagining which one of us any of the guys would walk up to, all of a sudden one of them laughed and the rest joined him, I tried to understand the reason for their laughter as I had to cross check myself before it will be that am not properly dressed or something, but after I checked I was ok...

I was still wondering till I saw Dogonyaro coming towards me. Its was at this point that I understood the reason for their laughter as they could foresee our future at that moment and I knew that this would be the end. Looking across to the girls, they didn't seem to be aware of what they were walking into as they were still counting their steps. I had no other option but to shun forming and cross over to them. They were surprised as I said hello to them and walked alongside them, in my mind I was like "una neva know wetin una enter today, thank God say I wear flat shoe, una go hear am dance am with the 6 inches wey una carry for leg". 

As we continued walking I noticed that Dogonyaro paused for a second, looked at us and then at the guys and then crossed over to the side of the road where we were walking. Immediately this happened, I started preparing myself to take-off as I gradually started withdrawing, meanwhile the girls were still gisting and cat-walking, just as I took a few steps backwards, one of them looked at Dogo and shouted JESU! Behold Dogonyaro had done it again, as he had already pulled down his leggings just enough to bring out his deek and was now shaking it furiously as he walked faster towards us...

Omo before the girls could turn back, I had  already fled into the bush. The girl that shouted JESU! took off first but unfortunately for her, she missed her step and fell into the gutter while running but when she saw Dogo running after her friends like Usain Bolt.. she jumped out of the gutter and ran for her life leaving her 6 inches behind while the others removed theirs and ran with them in their hands. 

Until that day I never knew how sensitive a mad man is... when I thought all my fears were gone and tried to creep slowly out of the bush acting like everything was in control so as not to fall my hands before those guys the second time, I saw Dogo walking towards the bush where I was hiding...hmmmm no be person tell me make I run till I reach house. As I locked the door and looked out through the corridor and saw Dogo pacing up and down like person wey im wife dey for labour room and talking to himself I called my friends and told them to have a wonderful time without me as staying at home was better than facing Dogo and his deek again. I just comot cloth with vex, wash my make-up comot pack for house dey think of all my packaging wey don waste, my mumu friends wey no sabi keep to time and the kin laughter wey those guys go dey laugh I and those girls.

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GIST TWO 

THE PUSSY AND THE PUSSYCAT

 As I woke up and watched the sun inch up above the horizon‎, a thought grasped through my mind. 

(For better comprehension I will break these 'thoughts' into scenes before I start off my gist completely). Who knows?! I might be making a Nollywood comedy script out of this. Helloooo!!!

SCENE ONE:

About seven years ago it was. Things weren't  really going on well in my family, one problem to the other, one terrible nightmare to another... 

One of the nightmares my kid brother had involved a pussycat appearing to him in his dream and ate up... *cough*

 Hence the need to hold a family meeting and strategies a way out of the mayhem. My mom is a prayer warrior, to the extend that people in the neighbourhood call her Iya adura (my Yoruba people will understand this), she can pray for hours without ever getting tired. 

We used to tease her a lot that she will soon open her own 'shurch' (in Dauda Aliu's voice), lol, and she would tell us, "I like prayer pass any other thing o". If you call her a mother in-law to the man who wrote-in the PRAYER BEFORE SEX CHRONICLES, you would not be wrong. Lol. 

That's how prayerful my mom can be. While my dad on the other hand is nothing far from the ordinary Christian. 

So, after the family meeting, we came to conclusion that we will be going on a 5day fasting and prayer and this is to be done in a not so far away Church. 

On this Tuesday morning, Mom, myself and my other three siblings were all set even though many of us weren't so cool with the plan. Meanwhile, Dad and Mary are to later join us after work. 

In these 5 days, we shouted our lungs out in prayers amidst fasting. 

Mom who had so much fantasized about how she's gonna bring heaven down with her prayers fell unconscious at the middle of day four session. We didn't even know if to laugh at her or feel pity for her. 

Alas, a day before, my two sisters fell unconscious too.

My dad's drama was on another level. God saved him though, he wasn't doing the whole 18 hours prayer in a day with us, he would have fainted too. Himself and Mary did 9hours only because of their work. They come in the evening after work and leave by 6am the following day. 

Me? Toilet and I were bestie, I would pretend I was going to poo, on getting to the toilet, I would stay there till they come looking for me. You won't believe I dosed to sleep for about 30minutes inside the toilet. On one occasion my mum came to wake me up inside the toilet with a whip (the cane that was made to flog the devil overnight was used in waking me up inside the toilet where I had slept off?! Chai. 

Trust my kid brother to always sneak out, he would buy a big loaf of bread and hide in the toilet to settle his lazy belly girth. I caught him on this act on two occasions. 

That's by the way. 

"One of the the prayer points was: My father my God, any power disturbing my family, I give you 7 days, you will be disgraced..." 

When saying this prayer, you must open your buccal cavity widely and scream on top of your voice, otherwise, you would repeat it again. 

My kid brother is such a genuine in this. He would open his mouth and when you listen carefully you won't hear him say anything. Badt guy. 

On the second day of the prayer, everyone's voice went husky except my kid brother's and dad's. 

SCENE 2;

Two days after we got back home, I was busy in the kitchen when I heard trickles on the roof, Little rain had started dropping. I was in a hurry to put some buckets and basins to gorge rain water. Alas, I poured the water I used in washing peppers and tomatoes into one of the 'kitchen-buckets' I was going to gorge water with, with the intention of washing the bucket when I reach outside. But hey, I forgot to pour the water away when I got outside. And I put the bucket on the roofline like that.  

Few minutes later, the rain stopped. It wasn't really heavy. 

SCENE 3. 

My sister who was washing her undies ran short of water to do her rinsing and she went out to use from the containers I set on the roofline instead of fetching water from the well. Lazy her!

Guess what guys, she used the water on the buckets alongside the 'pepper water'. That was it!

THE MAIN GIST:

Three or four days later, someone called from my sister's office to tell us that my sister is dying, that the office is about rushing her to the hospital. My mom's screaming attracted the rest of us to the living room. She was just yelling, fidgeting and panting heavily, "heeeeh! Heeeeh! your sister, your sister oo, your sister is dying" she murmured. 

We instructed my sister's office that she should be brought home. (she was a suspect, maybe the effect of the prayer is tormenting her or something)

Few minutes later, her office driver brought her home, my sister was just shouting. "My pussy oo. My pussy is on fire" eeeooohhh! Eeeoohhh! My pussy oo" 

Upon hearing this, my confused mom who didn't know the kind of pussy my sister was referring to bust out crying "aaahh, I talk am. Where you see pussy? so, na you be the pussy when dey disturb this family? Na you be the pussy when wan kill your brother for sleep?" This time my mom had instructed us to call the pastor(s) 

When the pastors came, we all started praying. The more we pray, the louder my sister cries. "Eeeuuuu! Eeeeeoooohhhh! My pussy oo, mummy my pusssyyyy"  It got to a point the pastors seems tired and they tried to interrogate my sister, on how the whole thing started. 

Investigation later showed that, my sister suffered pepper in her pussy, oh I mean in her tohtoh as a result of washing her panties with the water mixed with pepper. 

While she was at the office, the environment became hot and she felt some heat (sweat) in her privates which later metamorphosed into itches.  When she could not hold it any longer she started crying for help. 

I can't even remember who later told my mum that pussy means tohtoh not pussycat. 

I guess one of the pastors explained to her in Yoruba that pussy means oboh(tohtoh). 

God bless you

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GIST THREE

INVESTMENT GONE WRONG.

Afternoon Stellz, always held back from sending in this story cos those who know me know this story.

Back during my NYSC days, I had this serious crush on one girl who sold food to labourers in my area.

Really didn't care about her social status. This girls figure na die.

And so I started some serious wooing. I would cook for her from home and deliver the food with freshly squeezed orange juice, help her sell to her Customers... In all of this I never hinted sex. All na part of the plan.

This girl fell in love ohh. Na she come dey beg me come her house. Me I would be forming "I am marking exam scripts" or "I'm setting exam questions" (was serving in a school).

Eventually she called me this one night asking me to come that her parents had retired early.  Na im I rush go oh fully intent on reaping the rewards of my investment.

I never open gate finish Wey this babe push me for ground use me define pornography. This girl was multi-tasking on my body. I think I started weeping for joy at some point. Me Wey dey form stud for area. 

See me begging this babe for round 2 when she was done. Omo after much begging this babe gree for one quickie make she for go sleep. Gleefully na im I mount this babe for their backyard on top grass dey do bump and grind..

Next thing I hear na "What is the meaning of this? In my house? Ahhh wait for me"

Ok! So maybe I was wrong to have been having sex at his backyard but did the girls father have to appear just when I was about to release?

Come and see me running with my 3/4 shorts round my ankles, sperm flying everywhere, this girls father screaming "catch him" behind me @ 11pm. 

Guys for my area who always knew me as the cool calm guy must have wondered at the awkward image that flew past where they were drinking monkey tail. Wasn't a pleasant experience. I made it to my street just in time where the security guard came to my rescue.

My Rep for area skyrocketed ohhh. The kind of respect I saw in peoples eyes was out of this world.

The sad part in all of this was my crush. Her father sent her back to the village cos of that incident and promised to castrate me for devaluing his daughter.

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GIST FOUR

HEEEEY!!

E get one particular restaurant wey i dey go chop 4 G.R.A. E get one oyinbo wey dey always come chop there too...Anytime dis oyinbo chop finish, he go shout ''Hey'', so I wonder wetin dey make am shout. I decided to chop wetin d oyinbo dey always chop so maybe me self go shout too. When I reach d restaurant yesterday evening, I order wetin d man dey chop.

 Dem tell me say na chicken and red wine, so i chop am finish, i no shout. I collect extra plate, but i no still shout. I say dis oyinbo na mumu o, wetin dey make am shout like dat? Na so i just vex ask 4 my bill. 

The waiter tell me say one plate of chicken and red wine na N49,950 then d extra plate too na another N49,950. Na then I shout hey! heyy!! heyyy!!!  heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy yyyyyyyyyyyy...........

Up till now, I still dey shout .... No laugh alone make someone laugh with you too.