Saturday In House Gists.

Five stories that will make you laugh,angry or frown...your choice!

I only have these five gists for now and cannot guarantee a part two tomorrow ,lets wait and see but until then only one person can win.

All winners except one from 3weeks ago has not been paid for clarification reasons.

Enjoy.

GIST ONE

OTAPIAPIA

So, there was one house help that we had that couldn't speak English. Every time you tell her to do something, you must repeat ten times and describe with your hands and legs, before she gets it.

That's how my father said there were too many cockroaches in the kitchen, so he went and bought 'otapiapia' and said we should use, since insecticide didn't seem to be doing the job. We used it and within one week the cockroaches disappeared. We warned the help to THROW THE BOTTLES AWAY when she was done. She do head like say she hear. She now went and washed the two bottles and filled them with water and put in the freezer.

While enjoying one hot peppery crayfish rice that mumsy gave us one night Nepa now took light. There was fuel scarcity so no generator and who wants to leave sweet rice and go and put on rechargeable? Mumsy warned us about this our attitude of laziness when it comes to putting on rechargeable. 'You people should continue. Me I have my phone torch here.

 One day I hope one of you won't fall and injure yourself in this laziness induced darkness'.  Na so all of us commot shirt dey dig the rice inside darkness. No water on the table. My younger sister now started coughing when pepper was misled, so she rushed to the freezer in the dark kitchen and gulped down a full glass of water to regain her sanity. Na when she drink water finish, she now said she feels like she just drank kerosene because the after-taste was making her want to throw up. That's how my elder brother said 'give me the water bottle', as he smelled it in darkness he shouted 'mummy oh! Buns has drank otapiapia'

My mother just ran to the kitchen with her Nokia torchlight phone and grabbed the closest bottle of palm oil ( I didn't know why but when I asked they said it helps with poisoning or something like that) Opened my sisters mouth and started pouring inside 'drink! Drink oh! Blood of Jesus! Who is there? Call your father oh. Devil is a liar. There shall be no loss in my household!'

My father showed up after my sister had successfully drank 3/4 of the bottle of Palm oil. And he used his own torchlight phone to check the bottle out. It was not 'otapiapia', but it smelt like it. Who would have done this? *thinks* We had to go wake our sleeping help up. Lo and behold, she confessed, in her strong akwa Ibom accent, that she thought since she washed the bottle it would be suitable for drinking water.

My younger sister started crying. When they asked her why she was crying after God just spared her life, she said: 'do you know how it feels to get choked on hot pepper, then drink otapiapia-ish water, and half a bottle of Palm oil? No space to enjoy my rice again'

We sha went to the hospital the next day and the doctor checked her out and said she was fine. Since that day we dey smell bottle before we drink water. At least,until that house help left.

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GIST TWO

URINE 'CUM'

Hello my people, please kindly permit me to share this gist with you

My hubby and I decided to spice our s3x life,so we decided to get an adult film to watch, and practice the different styles in it,lol.so after watching the X rated film, hubby and I set to work,uhmmmm...

Hubby said I should give him a blow job till he comes,so that I can tell the taste of the sperm,no so we start o,uhm,after like 10 minutes, hubby says he's coming, and me I set my mouth to receive the fluid, unknowingly to us it's urine that was coming, chai I almost vomited all my intestine, ever since, I don't like giving blow jobs again. Lol

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GIST THREE

GIVE HER NOW!

Yesterday, on my way home,i decided to buy some provision, so I entered a supermarket with my girl,usually I don't like taking my kids to the supermarket, cos they will be crying for everything, but I have no other choice yesterday than to go with her

She was so happy, and immediately we entered I warned her not to cry for anything, but my warning fell on deaf ear,she started pointing almost immediately, and I ignored her,so after picking what I wanted to buy,i proceeded to pay, that was when she started crying and pointing to something, I looked at the thing and saw strawberry written on the small pack,and I said ok,let me just buy this to pacify her,asked the shop attendant to give her,and she gave me a weird look,i was thinking maybe she thought I can't afford it,and I asked how much is it,she said it's 250,and I said in a commanding tone "give her now",and the girl said ,ma,its condom o,lol,i turned to my girl and told her that it's adult strawberry, I jejely buy Caprisone for her

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GIST FOUR

WITCHES FROM HIS VILLAGE

This gist happened to a former colleague of mine. I recently ran into him and it brought the queer incident back to mind.

His name is Amechi and we worked together in the same unit of our bank. Last year December, he was finally promoted after 5 long years, everyone was happy for him as the changes brought on by the promotion could be seen on him…. A change of wardrobe and he moved to a better area in Abuja.

Then he bought a new car and travelled home to his village to celebrate.

January came and everyone resumed. A lot of gossips and rumours fly around from time to time in the bank as is normal in any organisation and you know how juicy it is to share and talk about the gists in the office with other colleagues and friends outside the office.

That new year, there were hot sizzling, albeit coded gists flying around about the MD having an affair with a top female executive, other top management gbenshing each other and all that.

Amechi in the spirit of amebo decided to send amebo mail using anyhow words to sweeten the stories to his friend who left the bank months ago to further his studies in UK lol. He gisted the guy about the alleged affair the ‘foolish’ MD was having with ‘arrogant’ Mrs. A and how they jollied to different countries during xmas with ‘our’ money when they could not pay the 13^th month salary nor celebrate xmas for the staff with bags of rice and oil. How the ’stingy’ head of management with his ‘big’ head is sleeping with miss B his PA because she just got a car and how can an ordinary PA buy that kind of car plus she is now feeling too big to greet people. 

He also wrote in the email about the deplorable state of the bank with no improvement whatsoever; about how two ladies in our branch were fighting over another male staff and a gist another male staff told him about what was happening in his personal life with some of his ‘yeye’ girlfriends.

Amechi typed a lot of orishirishi stories for him and his friend to laugh over as normal normal but Amechi didn’t know that his village witches followed him back to Abuja lol.  He sent the mail to the guy and copied the MD!

He sent it through his official work mail (See Gobe o) and since he sometimes reports to the MD by coping him in some mails, I guess that’s why he unknowingly did it. He immediately became tangled in some work and didn’t check his mail for hours. His friend who saw the MD’s name on the email frantically tried calling him countless times but his phone was on silent(the witches again I guess lol). The MD had already replied him with 4 simple words ‘Please, who is this?’ and also sent the mail to Head, employee services who happens to be the arrogant Mrs A lol.

The mail was sent to all Head of departments including ours so it was when our HOD came and told him he is to report at the head office immediately and he is not allowed to log onto his system again that he knew something was up. Then his friend finally got through from another colleague’s phone to speak to him and told him ‘guy, you copied MD o’ and Amechi fainted..first time of seeing anyone fall gidigbam.

We shaa finally got to read the mail from our HOP’s system, chai that guy finished matter for that mail o.

Anyways, he was sacked same day and needless to say, he lost a lot of friends who were included in his amebo gist and it was the most talked about sack ever witnessed in the bank.

Till date, Whoever asks him how it happened, he always says that his village witches followed him back in the boot of his new car.

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GIST FIVE

THE POLICE IS YOUR FRIEND

Last week, while going through the in house gist, I spotted one onPolice incompetence and immediately recalled an incident that happened last year. This gist may not be entirely humourous, but I hope someone is able to learn a lesson or two from it.

WARNING: THIS MAY BE LONG!

Ok, so last year, while I was still in my final year in the University, I had a very hectic day one particular Friday in school,which resulted in my body giving me signs that it was about to have another round of crisis, I quietly dragged myself back to hilltop where I reside, before the pains would develop any further, I lived alone. So, on my way home, Mum flashed me, which was our private mode of communication. Since I don't hear, we communicated through text messages and coded flashes only. The flash meant "boy, how was today". I arrived home without issues, and texted her that I was feeling funny and needed to rest (she knew what that meant). 

I bolted my door and thankfully, slept off almost immediately after sending the text. I woke up by midnight to pee still feeling numb and noticed the curtain on my window was open, like someone disturbed it from outside. I made to use the light in my phone and saw over 20 text messages and 60+ missed calls all from Mum! I read the texts; she wanted to know how I was feeling, she needed and begged for a feedback as she was very worried, the calls were to remind me to reply her texts, and finally, the last text, she threatened to come to my lodge if I failed to reply. Well, I didn't reply because I saw the texts very late. I went outside and my co-tenants told me I had a late-night visitor that refused to stay and left about an hour ago. 

Guess what? 

It happened that my mum came and I didn't even know it! Long story short, the next day, I went home feeling much better and Mum gave me the full gist. She was restless when I failed to reply all her texts or flash back, thinking I was having serious crisis, she couldn't endure the thought of having me pass through the pains all alone without anybody around, so she came by that time of the night to take me home with her. She came and knocked till her knuckles felt sour (of course I wouldn't 've heard her even if had broken down the door), She opened my curtain and saw me peacefully asleep. Immediately she thanked GOD under her breath, Buchi was fine! That done, she decided to go back home immediately as she was on a midnight novena prayer, which she must do at our family altar, and which she didn't want to miss. 

She wanted to go home, but there was no public or private transport anywhere around, nothing at all it was already too late, everywhere was deserted. The vigilant groups were abroad and beginning to harass her, but she kept praying in her mind. A police van on patrol saw her and stopped, (she was scared as they were all armed to the teeth.) They questioned her and she explained everything to them. 

Two officers left the back seat and went to stand or sit at the back of the hilux van and my mum was asked to hop in. Still very scared with all that guns, she entered and told GOD that: "He don see am na, if na so e go be, make e be". The police van according to her zoomed off on high speed with Sirens too. They kept talking and laughing to make her feel more relaxed, but she never was until they brought her safely home!

 They then detailed an officer to stay behind with her so she wouldn't feel so lonely but she turned it down. She begged them to wait and ran into the house to bring 2000 naira from the last 3400 she had, and begged their leader to manage it and buy something for his boys and maybe, refuel their car too, but the officer turned it down and told here they were just doing their job! With that they left, and mum was able to do her midnight prayers and sleep at home that night.

 That was the day I knew that indeed, "some" police officers are your friends, not all of them are corrupt or incompetent! The bad ones are the ones tarnishing their image. I thank GOD for His love and the gift of a sweet mum such as mine! (what were you thinking? :-/ )