Saturday In House Gists.

The Saturday in house gists is loaded today and tomorrow i will post the other gists,if yours is not here,wait for tomorrow.

GIST ONE

"Confiteor Omnipotenti Beatem Marie Sempe...''

....." I was at the

confession seat that evening trying to examine my conscience with the

confessional Catholic prayer,before I felt something vibrating in my

pocket,oh it was my phone,aha why would Theo call me on a Saturday

evening, he had always known me to be in the Church at that hour.

   I knew how sensible his reasoning faculty could be,then I thought

he must have bumped into a sudden hazard.

 I hurriedly left the Church to pick his call.

"Nonso where you dey?"

He said with an exuberant tone,what could have made him so ecstatic

today,the joy of him getting admission into the navy school should

have faded by now,I was shocked and full of Inquisition, so I asked

"Guy Wetin happen I dey Church I wan confess my sins"

He gave a loud laughter that could make anyone feel perplexed,but I

had always knew he hated anything pertaining devotion to religion.

  I didnt talk after his laughter I was busy trying to maintain a holy

state of mind.

"Guy dey come my side make we go flex,I just withdraw 80k for our flexing"

At the hearing of tat word the chaplet and the confession booklet I

held with me snapped away to the ground.

  If it were a Godly day I would have said an act of contrition as a

reparation for letting my sacramental fall.

But I was feeling combustions of hel-luva inflaming in my soul,and

therefore causing an instant conversion into a notorious lifestyle.

At that moment there were melee of evil thoughts concurring in me...it

was whispering through my ear drum..."kill! Kill! Its right!"

I was already depicting,how am I was going to bang some bitches that evening.

"Guy! Guy! Mumu! U still dey there?"

"Oh sorry"

I was so lost in my thoughts "you say u dey house abi? I dey come"I

dint even let him tell me the normal reply "Oya na" before I took my

heels off the holy land.

"Brother,your book and rosary,will u leave them here?"

I quickly turned to see the moppet with that sonorous voice who was

trying to disturb my concentration.

"Oh that?,take them,pray your way out of your poverty,you're looking so grungy"

O no did I just say that,I thought to myself for a moment.

How could 80 thousand naira convert my hard built religious life.

As I was throwing my foots forward so fast and furious,I was

concurrently examining my conscience,well after today I will go for

confession.I concluded at last.

I spared my last 200# to take a bike from the Church junction to

Theo's house,a journey of about 21mins.finally I arrived he was

already at his gate with a porous shirt,labeled john sang

"Guy na true?"

I inquired,"oga make we dey go no time a beg" he replied with a bunkum look.

"I hope say I no dress like mumu like this" I asked looking down at my

trousers and spreading the sides of my victam polo,with an inferior look

on my face,like a smoker who had just mishandled his weed wrap and

causing it to fall into the mud.

"Dude you not looking grubby"he pontificated.

So we biked off to tonnet ,the eastern part of ijegun where we

live,where it was happening.

As we were on the bike we merely spoke to ourselves

I was busy gauging his pockets to see which one was swollen enough to

occupy 80thousand naira.

"Guy I tell you sat make we dey do this work together you no hear,now

am getting my pay"

He stroked me with his words "dude don't mind me,all those bigot I was

speaking then,was just mouth makes,na this ur work sure die" I was so

in love with his swollen pocket,that I left my brain in my ass.

  I started criticizing my self so hard and he kept on saying "e don

do now" but I was busy repudiating the fact that I had sense.

He chuckled like Pete edochie in Nigerian movies,he should be feeling

rich already how I so envied him. We were lost with our conversation

that we dint notice our journey was seeming so elongated,"oga na Egypt

you dey carry us go?"I quickly made a joke of it,and feeling like ay

the famous Nigeria comedian because Theo chuckled at it.

This his chuckles is becoming so unbecoming,I dint want to complain as

we do say "never yell at unchopped chin chin" but I dint have to

reverence a cow as an elder simply because am hungry for meat.

Well as my people will say:"the rich less are senseless.

 "Make una no vex make I coner this side"the bike man respectively

made an apologetic statement.

The tunnel we took was looking so abandoned,unpeopled and razzmatazz.

I was still busy arguing with myself hitherto,even till the moment I

realised two guys with blue attire patrolling around the area.

They were only two I saw at the left side,then I quickly turned to the

right side but saw nothing..why can't Theo notice that this

surrounding is evil..or has the 80k clouded his retina.

Then it was two guys that immediately stopped our bike."wey ur

particulars?"one of them who had scars on his fore head like a Swahili

tribal mark spoke with a gruesome voice.

Theo chuckled but this time not like Pete edochie but like jym iyke

when he has been curbed in a case he cannot handle.

"Na the particulars be this,na two self I hold"

It wasn't funny again as I saw the badge on one of the dudes wrist,a

popular cultist badge "alora"

"Ewoooooo!" I exclaimed.

Then one of them gave me a thunderous slap,that made me remember I had

dumped my rosary in the Church. I was already drenched with my

urine,the men turned double on my eyes,until I met myself on the

ground. With immediacy I hustled my way up,so fast,as one who was so

sure of his fist.Theo was still feeling braggart as he came down

slowly,like professor dumbledore in harry potter who was so sure of

his magical powers.

Then he adjusted back a bit, he stepped on me so hard,it must be a

signal,i couldn't concentrate..as I was enveloped in darkness as I

struggle to gain balance of the combatant slap I had received Earlier.

I tried screaming but it was as if mucus were parading my throat,it

was then it dawned on me that I had lost my bearing.

Then theo said something with our native dialect. I dint hear him

well,as the mosquitoes inside my ear drum were making noise,all I

heard was oso-race.

Then the next thing I noticed was zoooom!!! Theo zoomed off,he ran as

fast as a Toyota Camry ruining on 3rd main land bridge.

"Oooooo! That one Don run now,and na him hold the money" it seems it

was the bike man that said that,I wasn't sure, I was still struggling

with the sudden Parkins disease that had upheld me.

They were getting much,as a market melee,all my actions were parrot

fashioned, I couldn't understand my state of mind. As I fumbled to

maintain a stand,I was knocked out from behind "aaaaaaaaargh!" 

I screamed last and immediately jumped up from the bed."shut up,na sango

dey pursue you?"..my big brother asked.

"Chai thank God say na dream ooo"I spoked to my self aloud..

"Jesus forgive me,ah Theo you don die today" I ran up from the bed and

went straight to the bathroom.

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GIST TWO

No vernacular

Good day Stella. Here is my In House Gist. I hope it will be funny enough to win cos i need money. too broke for my liking now. here it goes.

I can vividly remember my first pry school in my village, never knew how to speak correct English. Yoruba was the order of the day. Being in pry 4, we all wrote common entrance but verily verily i say unto you that we all failed even though i’m always among 1^st-3^rd in my class. Dad decided I should go read pry5 and 6 in one school for ogun state. i was the only one writing their entrance exam just to test my abilities. i puzzled when i saw ‘LCM’.

 i asked the teacher what it meant and he was like ‘you don’t know LCM? you’ve never been taught LCM and HCM?’ i just dey shake head. i was through then he started marking , come see crosses. the teacher was like ‘no no no, you cant go to pry 5, maybe you should start from 3 sef but well, 4 is okay’. 

I almost cried but what to do? i was admitted into pry 4, met some friends which i made sure they can speak Yoruba cos i cant be stressing my tongue in English.

i always noticed those boarding students don’t speak vernacular, well who cares?I be day student until my Dad decided to put me in boarding for 2^nd term. then i heard their rules, No vernacular or be flogged. chai, the first night as a boarder, i minimized my words to ‘i’m Yemi, I’m okay, no, yes and shaking of head to questions directed at me. those boarding students can be so abusive if you ‘gbagaun’. 

Since i didn’t know the FBI appointee to catching of vernacular speaker, i just kept my cool. going for classes next day was hard. all my Yoruba speaking day students gathered around me having learnt i’m now a boarder started provoking me ‘’hey yemi, bawo ni? soro now(talk now), shey wa gba ball to ba dosan(u go play ball for afternoon), wa explain assignment yi fun bla b la’.

 I just bold speak English ‘please leave me alone’. see shout, heeeyyyy Yemi talk please leave me oooo, oti di omo hostel oo(hes now a hostel pikin). though i was embarrassed but i kept my cool and learnt English to the point i can. on the pitch, my friend told me to pass the ball and i was like ‘where is you, where is you’. well, glory be to God, I guess i’m trying now. Thank you  

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GIST THREE

 Ekpan General Hospital Rats

Stella Old Warri, i greet you righteously with Itsekiri wrapper, below

is my gist.

This one happened years back before Ekpan Hospital was kinda fixed and

when i took my wife there for our baby delivery. Shey una know say e

better make person sick for day time than sickness or hospital matter

show for night. My wife labour start around 11pm dat fateful day and i

quickly carry tins inside car and jeje drive straight to Ekpan

Hospital and we reach quick cos road free for me.

My people when we reach there, midwife check her say na 7cm remain

small, so make she dey stroll while dem dey attend to other women wey

their own don near ground. If u see d pain and waist wahala wey she

dey complain, na im i turn pipo wey dey rub waist but na where we go

sit down near where dem heap files outside by the pharm, the RATS wey

dey there fat like Catholic Christian Mothers hand and dem dey stroll

with their children pass ur front without fear. I even threaten one,

the orobo rat look me like, "bros behave urself oh, me too na my wife

just born so".

The funny tin is dat dem dey stroll enter the medicine room and go

straight to the files where i guess their children dey sleep and play.

Anytime i dey rub my wife waist, one particular one go dey look me

with bad eye dey wink mouth like "bros u dey use brain dey tap current

for dis cold night".

The way these rats fat like say dem dey take CIPRON from the medicine

room surprise me, dem no even send you cos na their own concern dem,

if u try to threaten dem to hide dem go call others to use noise

disturb u until the lady at the card room tell us say bros abeg carry

ur wife come dis side before these rats go come my office come disturb

me.

The good tin for that Hospital be say, off all the over 20 women

including my own wey come deliver, they all deliver safely before day

break and na sharp sharp without issues. Make una enjoy una weekend

with BBQ fish for CARAVAN Plaza.

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GIST FOUR

EMBARRASSING AFTERNOON SLEEP

This one happened when I was in secondary school, boarding to be precise, we still lived on the top floor of a twin 3 storey building rented of course, that gives 5 different neighbors shey? And me ehn I can like to form like mad, why because I was the only one in that compound that was in SS 2 and a boarding school, it was kind of a big deal and I always felt like those US marines coming back from war every time I'm coming back for holidays...you know dragging my box, with my well iron school uniform, I wouldn't know how its spelts but it sounds like 'Gaytor' that sharp iron line on trousers ehn it is never missing on mine, and when I enter compound like this the small small boys there will be running towards me like "boda Mohammed iyaf come o", some of our neighbors girls will just be peeping from window and me I will just be feeling myself like superstar. 

    That was the normal routine o, iron my shirts well well to hide all the sufferness man have suffered in school and brush my hair until I see those small small waves if I dinor see it iyaf not brush finish, bottom line when I come home everybody go sha feel the boy, mehn I too form. 

     But as this story dey go ehn there is a fateful day o, so on this fateful day.... It was holiday right, end of second term, mum came to pick me up, and the plan was she would drop me off at home then go back to shop and come home when she close which would be around 6.30pm, she sha dropped me at home, the usual welcome parade ensued sha and this girl that lives downstairs I think she was in SS1 then finally summoned the courage to say "welcome" as a forming guy now me I just waved like "how are you" and headed for the stairs Hehe.

 In my mind I was like "omo na me she greet o, ehen so this one sef like me? Omo na to form fresh boy o, she don even dey get small brezz" you know boys and puberty now, I sha got home, I dinor even shower, I just dropped all my load and brought out my result and started doing a review on how I performed, that was how I remembered that I didn't finish my golden morn, it was remaining about half the bag, I went and took it poured the whole thing in a bowl and all what was left of my beverages in it, bournvita enough to make tea for 5 people only me, "my result is worth celebrating" I thought, and again mum doesn't like when you bring leftover provisions home. Before I knew this golden morn have swell up and was looking impossible to finish, shey izii not me? I off all my cloth remain boxer, actually a tight underwear with 'tommy hilfinger' inscribed on it and of course with my bulge abi eggplant or whatever people call it these days, I sat down on the 3 sitter in the palour with the bowl on my lap and started scooping, you know how people can be when they have the whole house to themself for a while na, I was just drinking and drinking and skimming through my result, small time I change posture, I lie down on my stomach put result and golden morn bowl for floor, I thought this was more convenient, what I did not  know was that sleep doing striptease for me already.......time would be around 4.30pm now.......I dinor know what happened next but sleep came and took me away.
       I sha know next thing I was hearing someone whispering my name, "mohammed....Mohammed wake up" I sat up eyes still closed and brain still booting (if not I should have realized that mum gave me the house keys so if anybody would be inside now I would be the one to goan open the door) hmm naso I open eyes o, chai *bites finger* children of Adam do you know what I saw..... I saw my mum kneeling beside me looking relieved but also confused, but that wasn't the worst my dear readers, inside that our small parlour was a representative from every building in our compound, even some from the immediate building next to us. This time around I think my brain has boot reach 85 percent so I glanced at the wall clock and saw 8:27pm, i can never forget those 3 numbers, that was when I realized what happened, I slept for 4 good hours and mum must have knocked since 6.30pm soteh they had to break down our door.

 Kai even this girls I like forming for,  all of them were there and me I was just there playing mute and wearing nothing but a god damned tight! Ohboy see eff up o, the most painful part was everybody were taking turns to play sherlock holmes, make hilarious assumptions on why I slept so long, coman hear stupid assumptions "maybe somtin dey the golden more wey e dey shak, see e nor even finish am"...." Did anyone else come inside?"....."I sure say na pesin off cloth comot for im body".....someone even joked with "make Una check in yansh wellwell o" wouldn't know what that meant then, but ehn we later watched Spartacus abi, sha that was how they were almost concluding that I have been "deflowered" through the backyard in my sleep or drugged after lmao, I had to narrate what I know with tearful eyes telling them everything I did as I got home, some were still finding it hard to agree saying "im no fit remember wetin happen na the drug dey cause am" 

tho there were some sensible people there who knew well to say "he was just stressed" my mumsi sha pushed all of them outside before they say too much rubbish, what pain me pass was all the neighbors daughters were not trooping in out of sympathy, one was going back to call others to coman see somebody's eggplant, Kai if I could read facial expressions I would say the way they were staring had a hint of "mtcheew and you go dey form".
  Around 9 sha all of them had gone , that's when mumsy too naw para small, shouting "embarrassment embarrassment" I cried o, but it still didn't stop her from cooking dinner, at least I wasn't adopted, when I went to bed that night sleep didn't come quick obviously, sleep was like those guys that sleep with you and leave and you just wait for them to call you back, so I cried myself to sleep around 1.
   Good thing was we relocated to our own new house about a year later which was after I graduated and everybody frequently came for lessons even girls, at least they had a reason to miss me in the end,
but till today layries and gerumen I don't sleep in the afternoon.

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GIST FIVE

ROBBED AT KNIFE POINT

My story long sha, but make una manage.

This na wetin happen to me many year ago wey still de do prescience for one village like that.

Normally we de always go night class, read till dawn, reserve seat, then come back to class in the morning to occupy the seat. But me, I no de like to reserve space cos them fit steal  your books before you come back, so I de always carry my bag come house and back to school in the morning. 

I get one roommate then, she de always leave her bag for class,  then come back empty handed in the morning. Our house then de behind one very big school with very big field. And the only way to our house na through that field. But bcos the field de always de lonely early in the morning, we de leave night class  later than other people, except we see boys wey de go our area wey go escort us.

On this fateful day, I call my roomy make we de go house by six in the morning, she say e too early say make we wait small. Grudgingly, I agree to wait till 6:30, I call her again, she say make we wait till 7 as everywhere still dark cos of the rain wey fall earlier. Na so we stay till 7 o clock, we come begin go house. Although everywhere done bright but still lonely cos of the rain.

My roomy put her handset for waist, drop her bag for class, me, I carry bag with books and big rechargeable lantern and my phone. As we de go house, towards the end of the field, just like one minute walk to our compound, na so we hear one loud voice from one class room. The voice just shout ;  hey stop there! I no know abi na too much adrenaline de worry me. The person never even talk finish, I just turn back begin run, I no even see the person before I begin run. My roomy just stand like obedient servant. 

As per say na me carry bag na, the people leave my roomy begin chase me. The sand wey de the field no allow me run well, I throwaway my rechargeable, my slippers and my bag, continue de run. Halfway through the field, two hefty  guys just catch me, na so I begin shake like person wey get convulsion, piss begin catch me immediately. 

Before I know, one of the guys just bring out one blunt cutlass put am for my throat, immediately I just piss hot piss for body. Na im the guy shout say; oya where the phone? I just point my bag for where I throwaway am put. The partner open the bag, he no see the phone, na im them put the knife for my throat again, na so I shout; check the inner zip! As them open am, them see my phone and one 5naira wey I keep bcos of pure water, them collect everything including my rechargeable. As them de go, na I ask them say; bros abeg u fit gimme my sim card? If you see how the guy just turn back show me the knife again eh, no be person tell say make I shift back. 

As na my direction them de go na, I just stand de wait make them go so that I go go house, by then my roomy don reach house since. 

Some boys wey de pass the main road wey see the wey I stand and the way them de waka like heroes de go, just shout from the road ; na thief? I shout back; yesssss! (As per say na regular thing to rob students for the village). Na so the boys begin tear race come our direction. You need to see the way these giant armed robbers wey de form macho for me just now throwaway my rechargeable and their slippers begin run. Me sef run follow them, so I go fit show the boys where them pass. 

But before the boys reach there them don disappear through one one bush path, we no see them again, only their slippers and their deep footprints. I just pick my rechargeable and my bag, cry go house.

My people na so them take rob me at knife point during my school days o.

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GIST SIX

THE GREAT EMBARRASSMENT

Hello Stella and my fellow bvs. Let me share this gist from my Primary school days. 

I grew up in the village and back then all the children and young adults usually go to the village stream every Saturday to wash clothes, bathe and mingle. Some spoilt ones among us would enter the bush and kpansh themselves, when they come out, they will gist us every every. I was raised by a choirmaster dad and my mum was a teacher, they were both strict disciplinarians, I dare not misbehave but nevertheless, I still mingled with these boys, I was seen as the good boy among them and they usually send me to deliver letters to girls.

 They also mocked me for remaining a virgin even though I had the looks and brains to capture any girl of my choice hmmmm, and we were just between the ages of 11 and 13. 

Well my good 'boyism' wore off when I entered Primary 6, there was this particular girl in my class who had been on my case since Primary 4, Rita mocked me almost everyday, calling me a fool, an impotent and all sort of names just because I refused to date her, my bad friends too were not helping matters so I decided to show Rita what stuff I was made of (my greatest mistake till this day) lols.

I was 12 years and she was 13 but my eggplant was the size of some 16yrs old boys own, I was a virgin. I told Rita to meet me on the path that leads to the stream after school one Wednesday, the path was usually deserted on weekdays' afternoons. 

We met and moved inside the bush, we stopped under a palm tree and cleared the ground, all these while my heart was beating at a dangerously fast rate lols. Anyway, I rushed out of my shorts and Rita removed her gown and spread it on the ground; she was not wearing anything beneath, not even panties, my good spirit told me I was in trouble, the bad one urged me on. 

Rita led the whole show, she started rubbing my 'kini' and guided my hand to rub her clitoris, chai! I was in heaven already, she guided my hand to her small breasts while also rubbing my scrotum, I almost fainted before she guided my rod into her wet hole, I pounded her like a pro while she rubbed her clit, my oh my, it was the sweetest sex I ever had till date. Well, Rita was screaming on top of her voice while I joined her when I was about to come, my orgasm was near when I heard a deep familiar voice. 

My rod went numb as I lifted my head to behold the village palm wine tapper staring at us. The foolish man asked us to calm down, he now demanded to have his own share or else he blows the whistle, we refused (another mistake). He now asked us to move naked with our clothes in our hands down to the village. On the way, we begged him to come and 'do' but he refused. In front of my father's house, my dad asked us to rewind our show right there. That was

the most embarrassing moment in my life. I got the beating of my life that day and up till today, it has affected my sex life.