Sunday In House Gists.

Part one of the gist was yesterday..READ HERE.

GIST FOUR

VALENTINE SAGA

 A week before Valentine, I was wondering what to do with my life on Val's weekend. During my school days, I used to sit in front of the hostel and watch babes laugh, cry, fight, swear, snatch, lie bla bla bla! It was awesome! Once, a girl travelled to PH to visit her fiance only to meet her room mate who travelled a week earlier there! They both came back to school and fought everyday for over a month. Truthfully, that was the best val I've ever had!

Well, its time to change how I spend my Val. There's no hostel to sit in front of and it would be weird to go house to house, neighbor to neighbor, window to window peeping and hoping to find some action.

Thursday morning, all my friends left me in Lag and travelled to various places - PH, Enugu, Abuja, US, SA, Obollo Eke, Ovoko, and the list continues! Ha! I no fit carry last na! I went through all my guys list..wait wait wait! Why did u just scream ah ah? Everybody has it na. Would my case be different? As I was saying, I went through my guys list, chai, my options seem so limited. The only viable one in Lag has such a temper. The last time I visited him, he nearly strangled me for asking him to drive me home. I mean drive me home in his car o not drive me home!

And so I called another pretending that I just called to say hi and just like expected, he invited me to come visit. Haha! I was excited! I asked him to send me money for flight and "...ehm ehm, why don't u use bus? I'll be at work all day. Just take ABC so by the time you get here, I would have closed for the day" was his well thought reply! I could imagine him scratching his head! His head I mean not his head! Well, I accepted!

Thursday evening, I carried my two left legs to my boss's office and told him a ridiculous lie. Can't remember what the lie was but I'm sure it was foolish. He granted me my request though and I went home whistling. Friday morning, I boarded ABC bus to ABA! Aba Ngwa! Whew! I was so excited! I dressed up like a queen..no! A princess! A queen sounds beautiful but old! I even wore heels! Haha! This Vals weekend gat to make sense!

Wait! Before we get all excited, I've never met this guy I'm on my way to visit! Not even on facebook! He just mistakenly called me and when I told him it was a wrong number, he called back to say, "I like ur voice, can we be friends?" What's to lose? We became phone buddies! Truth be told, he's such a gentleman, on the phone o! He says the right things, sings to me when necessary, not married (so he said)... It was during one of those can-i-get-to-know-you-sessions that he told me he's a politician, has four cars, lives in a big house, not rich but way comfortable (well he's just being modest) and an only child. He's aiit by my standards! He calls like mad which was why I wasn't surprised when he called every second of the journey! Some call it monitoring spirit, I call it care! Awwww!

"Baby, what will you eat so I could prepare it before you get here?"

Just goat meat pepper soup, dear.

"Nne, how are you feeling? Hope the journey has been smooth."

Yes, love (even when my legs were on fire! What was I thinking when I wore this heel?)

Every girl in the bus must be jealous of me. Unconsciously, I started planning my wedding! Right in the bus! The color, the venue, my maids, the kinda car that he'll buy for me...awesome! I had this satisfied smile on my face. I giggled once in a while. Haha. Finally, I got to Aba! Aba Ngwa!!!! I called him like ages before I got to Aba. He said he would be at the park, waiting. Lo and behold, he wasn't! I called and called! He said he's on the way! I looked at every car that passed and stopped! One tattered Peugeot 404 Opi Achara parked in front of me and I nearly fainted. Thank God, the driver continued his life's journey! What a relief! Ha!!!!

And suddenly, someone screamed BABY behind me! I turned and saw a 50 something year old man with shorts, tshirt and bathroom slippers running towards me. I shifted to the side so he would run to whoever he was running to! Ha! He stopped in front of me grinning from ear to ear, took my bag and placed on his left shoulder! I screamed! Don't blame me, I thought he was a thief! Where's the car? I forced a smile! I was still recovering from the shock when he stopped a keke, a very noisy one!!! Ewoooooo!!! I'm finished!!

He said things that I didn't hear! I wondered how long the night would be! I cried within! He was noisier than the keke! He said I love you at some point! The keke man said something in Ngwa. i dint understand but the look on his face said "silly girl"

We got to his big house! Well, the big house part was no lie! It was big! Big but old! Everything seemed like it was falling apart! The roof was brown, the windows were wooden and covered with cobwebs! I'm dead!! I sat on the cushion and nearly fell through to the ground! He laughed like he had no care in the world, pulled me out from the seat and asked me to sit carefully on the edge! Hei!!! The kitchen was another story! Dirty plates from two years ago stacked all the way to the agape ceiling. Where's the pepper soup? He pointed towards something brown...a fridge? "Is that a fridge?" I said it out loud before I realised I wasn't thinking it. Rusted is an under understatement. I touched the handle and it gave me a sound electric shock! I screamed! He came to my rescue like a white knight! He smelt like grease! OMG!!! I could have just gone to Silverbird like a normal person. He apologised and opened the fridge himself. I expected to see a bowl of pepper soup that I can just easily microwave but what he brought out was uncooked meat. He hasn't cooked it? Omg!! Omg!!! Omg!!! Omg!!! I love cooking though so I wouldn't mind! Then he said the most heartbreaking thing, "We'll go to the market so you can buy stuff for the cooking. I also want to show you off". Show me off? At the market!? Omg!! Omg!! Omg!! I looked around, no gas cooker!! All I saw were three black stones with a black pot without handle on it! Oh no!!!!! I was irritated. He obviously didn't notice cos he kept smiling! I think I heard him say I would clean the kitchen later.

Well, I was hungry so he took me out to eat at a road side fly infested place! A big blue fly perched on my arm and I screamed. I ran out before they brought the food. The more baby he called me, the more I felt I should just slap him. What? What? What?

It was as we got back to the house that I saw his cars. He said 4, I counted 3 unless he's counting that 911 at the side as one! All of them were covered with dust. No tire!! No mirror!! No nothing!! Well, he has 4 cars!!

I went in and attempted taking my bath. Let's not go into what the bathroom looks like. I had to do rub and shine then went to the sitting room to watch a movie. No dstv, no hi tv not even that one that a big dish like a basket. He brought out a stark of movies! Thank God!! I went through them!! All porn!! I laughed within me. I returned it to him and asked if he had cartoon. It was his turn to look at me like I was joking. He didn't! I went to bed. I didn't forget to lock the door!

In the middle of the night, he knocked at my door. "Baby, please open the door. Are you alright?" Omg! I was scared beyond measure! All the stories I heard about Cynthia, runs girls killed, raped girls, ritualists... came to mind. He was at the door for almost an hour! I prayed silently! Then I felt something on my toe. RAT!!! I screamed! Not just one o! I remembered Jesus!!  I prayed like Shedrach and his brothers. Somehow, I survived the night.

Before 5am, I was set to leave. He had this sad child look on his face but who cares!

He never called me again and I'm glad!

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GIST FIVE

My Friend, My Books And The Beating of Life.

It was around '93, I had just moved to primary 3, My friend Robinson whose dad was a printer or so asked me to bring my new text books and note books so he could help me cover the backs with fine "almanac" papers and bring the to school the next day..excited I handed over the books to him and went home with just my "Writing" book. Next day Robinson didn't show up in school and I couldn't write in class, the teacher called me out and took me to the headmistress where I told her my friend was supposed to help me with book cover, she asked that I bring my father the next day, it was in her office that she told my dad that my "dear" friend had changed school and that his dad didn't tell her where he'll be starting at. My father was stoned!, he looked at me long and hard,smiled and thanked the head teacher,then he stood up and let without uttering a word..i knew that was it for me..i cried long and hard after he left,for I knew that the kain beating wey I wan collect for house, dey do press up follow my father dey waka as he dey go..(and I was right)

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GIST SIX

THE TESTIMONY

This happened to me some years back in Minna while i was running my remedials program. Close to where i was staying then there was this particular dam that was like the main source of water for people around that area, though the dam doesnt flow, very dirty and so unfit for drinking that when ever there is scarcity of water and we fetch from there to wash or bath we still have to use dettol.

On this faithful day, it was on a Saturday and i wanted to feel like bradly cooper for monday so i decided to relax my hair as a step to cooper.

After relaxing my hair there wasnt enough water around to wash so i decided to go and do justice to my hair at the dam. Shey if to say i know What lies ahead i wouldnt have tried it buh God jes wan intentionally punish me that day.

Covered my hair with nylon carried two buckets and off i went to the dam, got to the dam fetched two buckets of water, climbed up a little and started washing my hair,  humming "i believe i can fly" without me knowing that the soap water is already returning back to the dam.

Few minutes after the commencement of the exercise i just suddenly hear gbam!! for my head,  first thought it was a dream buh got the confirmation it wasnt with anoda whip on my back. Unfortunately for me as i wan open my eyes naso soap enter am buh i was able to see 4 hefty guys with different whips, for my mind i say chai! d judgement day is here am finally finished.

D annoying part was that they were all shouting in hausa ( you banka, shege sharo, waka shege blah blah blah!!) and i couldnt understand one single thing they were saying, see as blows, slaps, kicks, just they jam me left right and center with me half blind unable to block any. Up till then i couldnt still understand What i did i jes dey reason say my village people don finally catch me.

Eventually after seeing so much stars and moons still half blind a man came around and was able to speak small english,  he asked them What i did and it was then i got to realize that it was because d soap water i was using to wash my hair was goin back into the dam. I was already thanking God that he has finally delivered me without knowing that was just the beginning,  naso the man follow join for the beating com say make dem carry me go meet emir and say if i reach there say them go cut my two hands (Haaaa! I don dey cry for my mind say Shey na like this i go turn handicap unto say i wan b lyk cooper go school for monday).

With God by my side and after so much begging from people nearby i was Eventually freed,  they broke all my buckets,  threw away my soaps then left me to my faith. Na so i con carry my two legs they drag am for ground they go my house jejeli,  people for my area just they look me they shake head.

Lord putting my enemies to shame, monday came and i was still able to look like a celebrity buh instead of it to be bradly cooper it was actually Segun Arinze. winks...