Sunday In House Gists.

 Continues from Yesterday's in house gist on Saturday.

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GIST EIGHT
FINE GIRL NO PIMPLES HUMBLED BY HOT SH*T

Hi Stella

I hope this reaches you well. I love your blog and I read and contribute all the time.

Me and my colleagues at work dey even read and laugh at the stories on your blog. Keep up the good work.

Taking inspiration from one of the stories I read on you blog I thought I should share my own embarrassing story. This is one for the Hux gist or embarrassing funny story. Its been a while you did a thread on embarrassing funny story. Please share it on your blog let us all laugh, life is too serious abeg.

 Here is my story....

Purging teach me lesson o. I was coming back from work last Monday and I dressed well that day. Tight skirt and fitted blouse. I was showing off my nyash to guys. I love to tease guys well well. I dey form fine girl no pimple.

Monday was the day God talk say my cup done full, time to be humbled.

When I left work to go home I was feeling a bit uneasy in my stomach but nothing serious. As I enter bus na so belle begin purge me. On top my fine girl I was sweating like Christmas goat. I thought I could hold it but as time went on it became more and more difficult. I just dey pray make I no embarrass myself. 


Men Stella my stomach no corporate the thing just dey rumble and rumble. 

World War 3 was happening. 

As I reach my bus stop I begin find eatery where I go release the thing because if I try go house I would definitely poo on my body.

As I entered one eatery I tried to go to the toilet but it was locked. Chai, see me see wahala o, na who dey lock toilet. I had to first buy meat pie then I asked to use their toilet, all this while I was shaking like a mad woman cos the thing was almost coming out. I no do fine girl again. 

Before the person could bring key I don begin shit for body. As I enter the toilet before I could pull my skirt up I don release round 2 of poo into my panties. 

I just dey shake like MC Hammer because of the pressure was too much. 

The clean up was not fun at all. I was humbled.

But as a big girl I still had to my cat walk when I left the eatery sha. 

Moral of the story – Dont play with hot shit, make sure you obey its call immediately . Hahahahahahahahahaha

Please lets all share our shitty story so we can all laugh. Life is too serious abeg.

Thank you

Kind Regards

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GIST NINE

NOT FUNNY AT ALL.     
                                                  
 Hello Stella and blog visitors,my gist goes like dis.......

many years back,that was when I was about 17years,just finished secondary school.my parents told me to go spend some months (vacation\holiday) with my uncle and his wife back then in another state!


I had spend some months with them,when the pocket money given to me by my parents had run out,when my menstrual cycle(period started).was scared of approaching my uncle to request for money for sanitary pad,becos my uncle was so strict (he hardly smiles,and I wasn't  close to the wife either,so I decided to opt for the next available option,that is tissue paper (since I had no pad and also didn't have money to get 1!!

So on this particular day,my uncle's friend came visiting with his teenage son,i was in the parlor watching Tv,when they came in,the guy was so cute(that we were giving each other side eyes and stealing glances @ each other,that was when my uncle sent me to go get sum drinks from the fridge,I didn't know that as I stood up to go get the drinks,that my tissue paper struck in between me (dat I was using as a form of pad,had started breaking into pieces,hereby creating a form of map Nigeria map on the green rug on the floor in the parlour,when i left the parlor,I could hear my uncle asking aloud that he was wondering where the white particles that has designed the rug came from.

I had totally forgotten that I was the one it came from,it was on returning from getting sum glass cups for the drinks,that it dawned that all eyes where Focused on me,from the gaze it dawned on me,that I was the one creating the design,only for my uncle to scream my name out loud ''saying what is that thing  falling out from underneath you creating out all this white design(patches) on the green rug''

The teenage guy was already looking @ me with disgust,I had to open up to them all,that I was on my period,but because I had exhausted my money and pad I came with,and I was scared of approaching him for money for pad,I had to opt for tissue,not knowing the tissue paper was breaking up into pieces,my uncle,his friend,and teenage son,burst out in laughter,I felt so embarrassed,I wished the floor would open and swallow me @ that very minute,when my uncle realized I was embarrassed and frozen up,he then told me that when next I needed money for such things and toiletries that I should not be scared of approaching him to request for money for such and that infact every month that I would be given monthly allowance for such things!

I couldn't  even stay in the parlour any longer,I rushed off to the room to bury my face in shame,was so, so, embarrassed!!                          

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GIST TEN

OCCULTIC BIG MAN PALAVER

Ok, so this happened when I was in school, I had it tough in school so I had to join the band wagon of girls with sugar daddies*shy now*, so this man I was dating wasn’t married then, I call him sugar daddy cuz he was like 62 then and I was 19 and he was a friend to my mom and was asking my hand in marriage*see me ohhhh, I no wan suffer dey carry old person shit around for my young age,I no be dabota, shines teeth*.

      So back to the matter....

 The man was stinkingly loaded, a brother to one of the big shots in the country, and for a little lady like me from a not too average home I enjoyed his money. The guy gave me the luxuries of life, money,convoy of cars and mobile policemen were at my beck n call, infact his domestic staff took me as his wife and reported their grievances to me codedly, I rode to anywhere and even back to school in the latest Chrysler and Tacoma backup back then like in 2009, but the guy rarely touches me, he may just touch me like once a month and at that time he would only want to suck breast and punanny and sleep because he is hardly erect.

 I was always in his hotel*the best hotel then*, so one day I was alone in the room and I decided to make myself a detective, so I started searching*who send me abeg?*, na so I open wardrobe, na so so cloth, cloth full there so I say make I check corner*. I discovered a stash of cash*e fit reach 2million ohhh*and a sword on a leather sheath*I shock* the sword was shiny n long like those swords you see in the movies, mehn and this guy always rides with a personal gun in the car. 

Hmmmmm I quickly took a bottle of wine from the carton of wine in the wardrobe and left the wardrobe immediately.*I no come drink the wine,I carry am put for handbag,say make I carry am do shakara for school*.

                        Later in the evening he came back and was looking gloomy and the first question he asked was ‘do you want to drink wine?’, I was shocked and he started telling me tales of how his friend almost killed his girlfriend for going through his stuff in his absence, after that he ordered wine for me.

Omo I no sleep that night, I no even drink the wine, fear catch me, I say how he take know, I say na occultic man*.  Like 2 weeks later I visited and had obviously forgotten the tales*I send? the guy stopped giving me money and I was broke so I decided I was gonna steal some money so I stole like 200 grand from the stash of cash in his room and left, we didn’t even get to see because he was busy so I had to lie that I had an emergency in school and had to go back that day, lol meanwhile I went to my family house,  immediately I got home he called me and was asking me if I took anything from his room*omo I deny am*,he emphasized that he is sure of what he is saying*omo attack na the best form of defense ohhh*

 I still denied even shouting on him for accusing me, he hung up the call. That evening his P.A called and urged me to return the money, he was even begging me*I send?*. the next day as I was preparing to return to school his P.A called and told me that he was in my street and wanted to see me, hmmmmm I went to meet him and while we were talking about the money and I was still denying, one clean range rover was driving down my street and when it got to where we were, the glass went down and a breaded guy pointed a pump action double barrel at me*omo I piss for pant, I even die sef before bullet reach me,I fainted.

                        I woke up in my house and that was the end of the relationship. lolz

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GIST ELEVEN

THE VIOLENCE TAKETH IT BY FORCE

My fellow BVs how una dey?wetin i wan yarn una happened in my junior
secondary school days in a minor seminary in the east.most of us
attended the seminary not because we wanted to be catholic priests but
cos it was one of the best schools around.contrary to the perceived
notion that only cool headed boys are in the seminary,thats where
you'll find the most mischievous young men ever.

 I had this friend Joel with a very infectious personality.He was loved by mostly
everyone around him;intelligent,funny,sociable best describes
hiim.This kind can play football for Africa and he was so skilful we
gave him the nickname jay jay after jay jay okocha.

Despite all the love from left right and centre,joel had a problem; he was possessed by a foul spirit,my guy no wan take eye see water,him and water were sworn enemies and as a result the guy no dey bath.Even to wash his
cloths na serious wahala.

After playing footballl and sweating he'll wait for everyone to leave the bathroom before using 30seconds to bath aboki style.Joel's dad lived in the US so most summer vacations he spent it abroad.before travelling his dad will give him a stern warning not to carry any luggage as he dosent want my guy to import naija cockroaches go america....chaiii! That was how dirty my guy was.

It got to a point we his friends decided to help him and seeing that it has
defiled all physical solutions we decided to go spiritual.Na so we go
meet one spirit-filled senior whom we know has the calling to be a
priest to pray for Joel o.What this guy told us shocked us all,he said not
everything needs prayers and he even quoted Matthew 11:12(from the days
of john the baptist the kingdom of heaven suffers violence and the
violent taketh it by force). He said all we need do is drag joel to
the bathroom and use a full bar of soap to wash away the foul spirit
from him.

Na so we say make we try am o,one Saturday morning i arrange
10 guys wey get muscle,armed them with sponges of different shapes and
sizes and i also brought out a new bar off soap.The guys took cover in
the bathroom and i went to call joel lying that i saw his football
jersey in the bathroom and he should come and identify it.As my guy
enter bathroom boys attacked him with sponge and water,omo if you see
scrubbing.my guy was shouting in pains while boys were scrubbing in
excitement.Joel was charcoal dark in complexion just like wande coal
but after the scrubbing he changed to off-Dark;like a faded black
shirt and his eyes were blood red. The next morning which was a Sunday
Joel was the first person to take his bath in preparing for morning mass,
something that has never happened.We were shocked but happy that we
took control and scrub off the foul spirit. From that day Joel and
water lived happily ever after. He is now studying to be a surgeon in
New Jersey

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GIST TWELVE

HOT SHIT

Una well done my fellow bvs, me wan yarn my own story wey happen to me for primary schoo I hope it makes you guys laugh though.

So one beautiful hot afternoon after break time  for command children school Zaria, we all dey class wen my belle start to make noise una know how break time dey na they sell all kinds of foods during break and we dey buy those wey dey beg dey beg too, so after I Don chop everything finish na so I enter class oo, so we siddon wen shit start to worry me na so I run go meet our class teacher tell her aunty I wan to go and ease myself and the wicked anuty say No, go back to your seat.

 hmm na so I waka small small reach my sit oo, after 2min I go meet her again she say you are disturbing me I said go back to your seat, meh me no fit take am again so I come mess one kind hot mess, the whole class come dey do nose like say person shit for the class, so the aunty come shout say oya come and go oo b4 you kill us with smell here, na so I run like usain bolt, but the shit Don dey com out na so I put my hand for my yansh take support the shit make e no com out so b4 I reach where our toilet dey I Don shit for body and na better purge I purge, he dey for my stain my pant, uniform and my leg sef na so I use stock-in take clean my yansh and leg.

 I come go tap to wash my leg and hand water no dey run again, if you see my uniform  e get shit, my leg too follow get shit so I no know weytin to do na so I carry the shit body enter class, as I just step my leg inside the class na so all my mates start to laugh so after like 30 seconds the laughing com stop they com dey run the nose even my seat mates leave the seats for me na so everywhere they smell for the class our aunty had no choice than to send me home as I dey go house na so flies dey escort me.

All thru that week I no go school, so the next Monday as I reach school all my class mates start to shout say the shit shit girl Don finally come school na so I dey on my own till everybody forgot what happen to me o.
Hope I no waste una time. Cheers!!

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GIST THIRTEEN
THE DISGRACED POLICE BOY

My peolple i hail una ooo

Make una no vex say my tory long small

dis tory wey i wan yarn una happen to me when i been dey primary school. I be wan kain boi wey dey always form like say na my papa get skool dey obey all school rules and regulation.

 E con get one time wey dem been set rule say vernacular speaking dey prohibited say anyone wey dem catch dey speak any oda language aside english go smell dia yansh.

 E con get dis teacher wey we dey call uncle thomas, the man strict die and can whip for Africa. the man con call me say him wan make i take charge of opening yansh of people wey dey speak vernacular say i go dey write dia names.

Naso i jes smile dey happy say God don finally catch my haters,  ASAP i don resume work dey nab people anyhow like FBI nd CIA combined, the more i dey nab the more haters i dey gather sote some of my friends don dey mean me buh mumu me still no send any baga.

 fast forward to the evil day jest a week after i was assigned, during break period Naso i jam 4 gals wey be my classmate wey i don mean like kilode dey speak yoruba confidently like dem iya alatas ( pepper seller)  for market.

For my mind i jes dey happy say God don finally deliver my enemies into my hands. Na hin i con yarn dem say me don catch dem red handed start to dey write dia names one by one. To my surprise the four of dem jest start to dey laff con hiss con start to dey rain curses on me like kilode ( oponu, ode,  orukonikomakokiri, ose ori bi adiye agriki blah blah blah!!)

 chai! the abuses enter my body wella so tey me sef con vex,  na hin i remember one igbo curse wey some of my igbo neighbours dey yarn for area Naso i knack dem say ( opachuna chukponku chineke na pogi .meaning your head no cut your hand no cut and your pata catch fire).

Naso dem burst laff start to dey sing say God don finally catch me say me sef don yarn vernacular,  before i know watz up dem don carry my mata go report for the uncle say the police wey him assign don break the law the uncle con send dem say make dem call me,  as i reach dere, before i even fit explain mysef uncle don knack me planck for chest, chai! 

Na dat dey i discover say make person see stars no be Myth, na confirm,  for like 3secs i still see dem small small stars dey dance. Unfortunately for me break time never over people nad all dem gals don gather dey laff as baba God don finally open my yansh for the whole world. As i still dey recover from dat one naso anoda lash knack me for belle, sharp sharp water don gather for my eyes.

As i chop my lashes finish i jes jejeli drop my badge,pistol and uniform say i don resign i no do again dey waka go class like zombie. Before i reach class the news spread like wide fire, them don ready for how them go take finish me with rythm, long story short i was totally crushed,  finished completely and completely finished.

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GIST FOURTEEN
HENRY THE STAMMERER

Hi Stella,

'This is my own story that happened when I was 16.

I came back to Nigeria for holidays from uni abroad and thinking I was

a big girl, I was always dressing to kill, going out to all the

parties, get togethers, anything infact (even opening of envelope). I

was just so happy for my new found freedom after leaving secondary

school.

I always attracted attention from many guys (older guys especially).

Those days I used to have money wella because of these useless guys

that will just send money/credit anyhow without you even giving them a

hug, talkless of anything extra.

Anyways me and my 2 sisters always used fake names and addresses

whenever we were dealing with these type of men. Because we lived in

the North, my fake name was Aisha.

So this particular day we went out for a night party and one fool

called Henry was shaking for me. He came up to me and started talking

to me with some stupid lines. A 28 year old man chasing a 16 year old

girl (SMH!). 

He looked so desperate to get my number which I did not

want to give to him in the first place. So I lied that I didnt have my

fone with me. He then pointed out that he could see the bulge/outline

of a fone in the pocket of my tight trousers. I was embarrassed that

he caught me in my lie and became a little flustered. I gave him my

fone to punch his number in, which he immediately dialled so that he

could save my real number. Lol. Then finally he asked for my name. I

had totally forgotten the fake name I usually give men, so I said the

first Hausa name that came to my head.... Jamila.

So this guy kept disturbing my life with incessant calls. He would

send me credit, sometimes up to N5000, but I would not call him,

talkless of meet with him. Plus the guy stammers... Please I wasnt

ready to waste my credit calling him.

So one day he got tired and fed up. He gave me an ultimatum that I

must meet him that day. So I told him I was in the salon doing my

hair, that he should meet me there in 15 minutes. Meanwhile, I was at

home watching a movie with my sisters. He called me 20 minutes later

asking me where I was, and I told him, " Henry! I can see you. I am

inside the salon. The money for hair is 8k o". The guy abused me from

head to toe and cut the fone after. Me and my sisters laughed and

nearly died.

2 weeks later, I was in the hospital going to greet someone when a

call came through with an unknown number. I picked it up and it was a

guy's voice that sounded suspiciously like Henry (the guy was

stammering). He said his name was Austin. He started telling a story

about how he had met me a long time ago, he lost his fone recently but

he had stored my number on his diary. He said he was just scrolling

through the diary and remembered me and he just wanted to holla at me.

At this point I was laughing in my mind like this fool really wants me

to believe this shit. So I was like, "Henry!!! Stop this nonsense, I

know it is you on the line". The guy started saying nooo. His name is

Austin and he doesnt know who this Henry guy is. And that he is

suprised that I cant remember him. So I asked him point blank, "What

is my name?" He replied, "Jamila now!" I laughed so hard that I nearly

died. 

People on the ward were looking at me like what is wrong with

this girl. Needless to say he never called or disturbed me again.