Second Time around,Not Like The First Time

This is a TRUE STORY

Adama and Usman weren't even trying to get pregnant when they conceived their son, Aliyu. A couple of years afterwards, when they decided to go for baby No. 2, they expected instant success. But to their dismay, months passed, and there was still no baby.

Since they were already parents, Adama and Usman were a bit slow seeking help than they would, assume they were childless. They probably figured that if it happened once, it would happen again. Adama’s personal physician didn’t help matters as she encouraged the wait-and-see approach. .

However, after trying unsuccessfully to conceive for two years and lots of negative pregnancy tests, Adama, who was then 35, suddenly realized that the term, “secondary infertility” kept coming up. At the end of it all, she was diagnosed with secondary infertility.

She had absolutely no clue what it was, not until a reputable fertility specialist explained that secondary infertility is the inability to become pregnant or carry a pregnancy to term after you already have had a baby, that she understood.

This stopped Adama in her tracks. “What do you mean you could have a problem getting pregnant after you have already conceived a child?' She asked. “I’ve never heard of this before. Everyone I knew who had fertility problems, had issues getting pregnant the first time. And for me, getting pregnant was obviously easy.” 

Adama was shocked at the diagnosis, and even the reassurance that it was a common problem did little to allay her concerns. “I was shocked. I didn't think infertility applied to people who'd already had children.” 

But what Adama did not realize is that secondary infertility accounts for more than half of all infertility cases. As she later discovered, the struggle over this challenge could be devastating. "As you near 40, you don't have time to waste—and you should see your ob-gyn or a specialist sooner rather than later," the obstetrician advised. 

“My brain then tells me that I may need IVF. I am older now and so are my eggs. But what if I can’t get pregnant again? Am I really only going to have one child? Am I really only going to be able to experience pregnancy and child birth with someone else’s eggs?” Questions, questions.

Adama soon got to know that 60 percent of women who struggle to conceive is due to secondary infertility. More than one million people in Nigeria alone are affected by secondary infertility. At this moment she started realizing she wasn’t alone. 

She had got pregnant the first time at 32, going off the pill earlier on because she wanted to give her body some time to normalise before trying to fall pregnant. But, just two months after getting married, she found out she was pregnant. She peed on a pregnancy test stick and it confirmed she was going to have a baby. The pregnancy progressed perfectly but at 34 weeks, her waters broke.

"I was booked into hospital for monitoring and my baby was successfully delivered by Caesarean Section. Because he was so underweight and premature, he experienced some complications and he really became my focus for the next couple of years. I wasn’t ready to start thinking about another baby. Aliyu grew into a gentle, sensitive and happy little boy. No obvious reasons to worry about secondary infertility.”

After her son’s birth, Adama’s cycle, which had always been irregular, settled into a regular 28-day cycle so she really had no reason to worry that anything had changed with her fertility.

She had also started studying reflexology and felt really in tune with body. She stayed off the pill and used condom instead. She readily tells her story. “When Aliyu turned 3, we decided it was time to try again, but after six months nothing had happened. I knew something was wrong because I’d fallen pregnant so easily the first time".

“I went to see my gynaecologist who was willing to do investigations because I had already been trying for 6 months. A sperm analysis didn’t detect any problems while other tests monitored my ovulation and when this happened I was sent home to make a baby.

“My period came and went and we repeated the process but this time I was asked to do a laparoscopy which showed endometriosis. This came as a huge shock to me. I’d read about it as a possible cause of infertility but I didn’t think I had it; I didn’t have sore periods or other symptoms".

One of the toughest challenges they all faced as infertile couple was the inability to insulate themselves from the world of families and other children around. If they had been childless, the couple would have found it easier to say no to birthday parties and baby showers as they cope with their infertility,

 Adama and Usman did not isolate Aliyu from a normal life. However, things that used to provide pleasure and support — playgroups, mother-and-tot classes—were suddenly becoming painful, as the other mothers were showing up pregnant or with new babies. 

"I just can't get away from it," Adama recounted. "Everywhere I go, I see pregnant bellies—at preschool, in the office, in the market, everywhere. My best friend is pregnant, my sister is pregnant, my neighbour who had twins just a year ago is pregnant again and the woman who cleans our compound is pregnant". 

“Yet I'm constantly hearing complaints from so many women that are pregnant. It drives me crazy to listen to a woman complaining that she is pregnant when I am dying to get pregnant. It’s really frustrating!”

Adama and Usman feel guilty that they can't give their child a sibling. Pursuing infertility treatments, trying to juggle parenthood with the rigours of treatment—daily ultrasounds, injections, and blood tests that must be carefully timed—have been so problematic. 

 Adama also had more than her share of unwelcome comments, such as "Don't you think it's time to have another child?" Being the target of countless insensitivities only accentuates the problem. 

Because Adama already had a child the idea that she could be infertile didn’t really sink in. People constantly asked her when she and Usman were going to have another baby and she was honest and just told them they were trying. 

“I thought I would have the operation to sort out the endometriosis and that would be the end of it all. I was so wrong.” “Our first IVF cycle worked and we were thrilled to hear I was pregnant. We went to our first scan filled with excitement – we had done it. Happiness quickly faded when my seven-week scan showed I had a blighted ovum.

“I was devastated and for the first time the reality that I might never have another child hit home. Further tests fail to show anything else. I was then faced with the prospect of repeating the IVF cycle. The doctor talked about doing an “endometrial scratching” before the repeat cycle. 

The second cycle of IVF worked but Adama miscarried at eight weeks. “I had heard the baby’s heartbeat so this really hit me hard. We decided to wait a bit and had IVF again six months later. 

Adama’s obsession with getting pregnant again was not unnatural, but in the end, even as someone who did not like to dwell on failure, it soon became obvious that she just had to move on with life.  "Even though I wanted another child and felt frustrated, I’m having an easier time accepting that I can’t change anything and it isn't going to happen. I’m gradually coming to accept our situation as well."

What matters in the end is that whether a couple chooses to pursue a course of infertility treatments, make peace with the number of children they have, or to adopt, the goal is the same: to accept the decision so they can move forward and have a rich and rewarding life with their family—no matter its size.

Post Script: Just last week, Adama sent this email - “I’m happy to say I’m 14 weeks pregnant with a sibling for Aliyu (you guessed right, I did another IVF cycle). It’s been a really tough period, but I’m glad I trusted my instincts and sought help as soon as I thought there was a problem.”

This sponsored post is an Initiative of Nordica Fertility Centre and once every week,you will read stories of women who have decided to tell their stories to encourage others who are going through what they went through.

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