Saturday In House Gists.

Another round of Saturday gists to make you laugh.

GIST ONE

MY CAR FALL MY HAND ON A FIRST DATE

I Am a newest visitor on your blog and guess what, I fell in love with it immediately, cant even get off the site. I have been browsing since morning, am so glued to it right now, and I would say I really like your style of blogging, I have never felt captivated with other blog sites the way am feeling now, so interesting, especially the narratives and Saturday gist.

I have a funny gist that happened to me sometime ago and I did like to share Please include.

Some years ago while I was still single and searching with the desperation and pressure to hook up after many failed relationship, I tried every relationship sites that could work, especially when you hear stories of how people get connected and meet their ideal partner via the social media. I then decided to try one Christian dating sites, though I belong to several others. On this particular site I saw a lady I admire, sent her a lovely personal message and hoping she would reply, then after a while that seem like ages she finally did, we exchanged phone numbers and we got talking over the phone, she calls me so many time during the day morning, afternoon and night. In-fact we talk as if we have met and known each other, she sounds so loving and caring over the phone. Several times I cancelled our appointment of meeting because as "a guy I need to load my pocket well before any first date, as them talk say first impression matters a lot". Uniquely to me, before I invite any lady to my apartment I must first meet her physically to know her type, "you know say some girls na ajebutter and some sabi form, make I no go fall my hand" lol!, moreover she works with one of the biggest telecommunication companies in Nigeria, several times she insisted coming over to my place in Surulere, but as a sharp guy I just keep giving her excuses, as my place no too tush like that (a young upcoming bachelor then lol) Finally we agree to meet at her friends place in Lekki, she lives with her sister at the other side of lekki, according to her it will be nice if we meet there. So me "as a guy I just dress casual with leather sandals on top one pant since na evening parole I no wan too show high level". I drove all the way from Surulere to Lekki that evening.  

While driving I was on phone with her she was giving me the description of the place, the trouble started while she was giving the description, I got to Ajah but stop, called her she said it was not Ajah, that It was the first round about before the toll gate lol, I had to turn back, drive back to the round about called her, she said it was not at the round about I should drive towards the toll gate somewhere along chevron, after much description I finally located where she asked me to wait, as she is walking toward the place.

 This is someone I have not met before, we only talk over the phone, though I have seen her pics. When she finally came closer I noticed a little frown on her face like this is not someone am expecting, though she just tried forcing a smile, immediately my instinct "tell me say today na today lol", I wasn't feeling comfortable inside anymore, she managed to say we should drive down to her friends place, "my people na there kasala start ooo, we enter car finish car no gree start, I do every thing wey I fit do that day, open bonnet nack battery tire with plier and stone for where, and sincerely that was the first time my car would do such. After much wahala the car finally started. 

While driving to her friend's place, she said she taught am big and tall judging at my pics, I was like really!! didn't you see my pictures, "for my mind I say abi eye dey pain you nii"; I am a slim slender person with average height but with a good look, she is petite and with a beautiful and kinda matured face too.

We got to her friends place, met two of them only to discover that one of her friend was my contact on bbm that I met on the same site also. To cut the long story I drove her to an eatery, so that we can talk and know each other more, since she was eager to meet me. On our way to the eatery I noticed she was cold, me too I just pretend as if I didn't notice it, after all we are meeting physically for the first time. "As I dey drive my own jeje na im I suddenly hear Gbosa!! one yeye keke marwa just bash my car from behind and breaking the car's back light with serious damage, Mehn it wasn't easy to control the rage, as I was forming big boy at the same time, after much begging I let go, but seriously that keke will not go free like say that babe no dey there.

She was cold through out the time we spend at the eatery, she suddenly was not the lively person I know over the phone, she was forcing herself to flow with me, no smiles, no laughter, for my mind I was like "wetin dey worry this babe sef, which kain level be this one na". I tried saying some funny things to keep her alive she would just laugh a bit and suddenly frown again, me too I come conclude say maybe she no like me. After we were done with the meal, we chatted for about five minutes, it was really a dry one cos she wasn't just connecting with me. I then offer to drop her off at her residence. 

On our way she started asking me funny question, like how big is my mum, is she fat, is my dad big, tall or huge, which of my parents stature or gene did I took after lol, "for my mind I say wetin come concern stature matter for this first date na", I then figure probably she wanted a more taller or huge guy because she is petite; maybe she was born pikin wey big wey no go small like her, though am taller than her with an average height. I manage to drop her off, we said good bye and she said I should call her when I get  home. 

"I come begin drive my bashed car back to Surulere that night at the same time they think of the money wey I go use repair am. Na me come reach house call this babe ooo, she no pick", after so many miss calls she finally did, the excuse she gave was she had fallen asleep. The next day I called again she did not pick my calls, "if na before my phone go don dey buzz with her calls early morning. I waited till noon called again, evening did same thing she did not pick, I tried the next day as well with no response, send a text no reply, "I come kukuma no bother my self again and ever since then she no return or reply my calls lol". 

I reminisced about the whole scenario few days later and it was indeed funny lol, it was a disaster date couple with the car wahala lol.


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GIST TWO

THE POLICE IS YOUR FRIEND

    ‎Just remembered this incident that took place some months back.... I dey on my way to cms from lekki, along that made we road (lagosians go know the place) when one danfo guy use him bus hit one small babe wey drive SUV use her ... Na there wahala start.... you no say these guys no dey gree say Na their fault especially since he notice say Na small Babe she be...  

My people , my brother con dey raise insults say Na she hit am when the reverse be the case.... as my Babe dey threaten am say she go call the army my guy no believe..Na there I come standa say make I see wetin go happen. he con raise hand dey drag the girl.... Omo she vex con use style commot my oga key from the bus  take her phone and dial number.... wetin happen be say her husband Na one top man like that for Bonny Camp... the guy no gree ooo still dey struggle say make he take his key commot in the process scratching and harrasing the babe... 

 2 hilux arrived with them military boys con beat this guy, drag am and him bus commot ... My people you can guess the end

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GIST THREE

HOW I SUBMITTED MYSELF TO SOLDIERS

Hello Stella, 

I love watching football. But my problem in the NYSC camp was that you will never be allowed to watch it to satisfaction. On a faithful night,  me and my friend decided to go watch match outside the camp. Disregarding the warnings and punishment attached.

So around 8pm we went far behind Miami market to locate an escape route. We quickly jumped out of the fence, and we found ourselves in the forest. We were meant to find our ways,because we don't even know any football arena in that area.

After some minutes of random trekking, we later got the place. A guy offered to help and took us there. As we were watching, I told my friend its already late and ask if we could leave around 9:30pm but he insisted on watching all.

All activities must stop in the camp by ten, nobody goes up and down again. and if anyone is caught outside by then, the soldiers will deal with them. 

We finished watching ball 15minutes past ten. and we quickly rushed out to locate our ways back to the fence to jump in.  

We've already device a means to beat the security network of the camp, but unfortunately we could not locate the fence again. The more we walk in the forest, the more we got lost and the darker it became.

I never had the intention of going back to camp this late. The whole place had no light...so dark. We started walking towards the direction of the fence. But the faster and farther we moved, the darker it seemd to get. yet we couldn't locate our ways.

The whole place was so silent and occasionally, we could hear the sound of vigilante's whistle, while constantly the birds sang on the tree. some times we heard  strange footsteps behind us, but when we turned back, we would find nobody.  So we held each other very tight. 

At this time, it was already past eleven...we were just praying let God show us our way to the fence, even though the soldiers will later apprehend us and let the camp authority send us parking.

looking by the left, we saw two men seated gisting and smoking. My friend asked me, Who could they be? could they be robbers or kidnappers? Should we move closer to them, or dodge them? So we decided to move closer because the whole forest was scary.

As we moved closer to see their faces...to my greatest surprise, they were soldiers from the camp. 

 we tore into two and ran into separate direction. One of the soldiers shouted 

"Stop or I shoot You"...On hearing this, all my body system became frozen and my trouser was wet with pee.

They picked us, and later pardoned us after several dirty slaps and baggers.

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GIST FOUR

THE DEVIL BOURNVITA

Hello SDK,

This gist happened when we were growing up, I and my siblings were still in primary school.

There was an aunt of mine that got admission into the school in our state and had to come stay with us.

You know how kids are, there is always this expectation that any uncle or aunt will buy goodies for us whenever they come visiting but this my aunt just came with her bags and didn't even buy sweets. Rather she usually locks up her provisions but will come and share the family's own with us during breakfast every morning.

But the one that pains us most is that there is this particular 'Bournvita' that she is always drinking and while she is at it,  even if you like, play and play around her till you almost fall inside her mouth , she will never call you to come and take or remain for anyone even if it's me being the last born and smallest.

We never knew it was Nescafe coffee oooo because then Nescafe was made in big tins like Bournvita.  She was on the big side so was trying to lose weight lol.

Chai, that was how God buttered our bread one Saturday or so we thought. My aunt forgot to lock up the almighty 'Bournvita' and left.

So as aspiring Jet Li's, we found the biggest feeding spoon in the house and formed security posts. I was to watch the door, my brother to watch the window while my sis will first go and take a spoonful , then we switch until everyone has scooped up some delicious black bournvita.

My sister first scooped up a full spoon and poured into her mouth with the alacrity and excitement that comes with stealing. Her face changed immediately and with her hand over her mouth,  she motioned my bro to come for his turn.

My brother took his own gigantic spoonful and my sis motioned for him to keep quiet and not to burst the bubble till I have gone for my turn. See me making sure that my spoon was really full b4 putting it into my mouth but rather than sweetness, I felt the most unexpected bitter taste I have ever felt since I was born.

As soon as mine hit my mouth, my siblings who couldn't hold theirs any longer threw it up and we all vomited all over the place.

Later when asked why she didn't tell us immediately she knew it wasn't Bournvita, My sis said she didn't want to suffer alone..kai!

We brushed our mouth all day but still couldn't get the taste off our tongues and even inside our souls lmao. 

Needless to say,  even if my aunt was eating sardine with bread....we no dey look em side again at all...because we know that looks can be deceiving.

Up till today, my siblings and I refer to coffee as the devil's bournvita.

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GIST FIVE

MISSING BREASTS

Hello Stella...i just remembered something that happened while I was

growing up and I'd like to share with blog visitors 

 As a teenager,i was a late bloomer,by jss1,most of my classmates had

started growing breasts and the kept on complaining about how painful

their chests were becoming but day in day out,i remained flat chested

and it was a source of worry to me because the girls that had started

growing breasts became friends and started walking in a group. i was

feeling left out and one day,i thought up a plan. I was going to have

breasts by hook or crook. I decided to roll up my inner singlets to my

chest area. I'd go early to school and sneak into the toilet and

quickly roll up my singlet before any body got to school and it did

work for me. of course they noticed my chest and soon I was hanging

out with them and feeling on top of the world.

 This lasted for about a week until one fateful day. That day,someone stole money in the class and since it wasn't yet break time,our teacher decided to close the door and search us down to our pants. The school was an only girls

school mind you. She asked us to queue up and step forward into our

class store one after the other so we could undress one after the

other. Jesus! i was in a bind. how was i going to explain my rolled

singlet to my teacher?i quickly ran to the back of the line and thought

up a way to remove my singlet. i just rolled it down and shifted it

under someone's chair. luckily,no body noticed me and I escaped that

day.but after that day,i stopped rolling my singlet. 

i had learnt my lesson. about 2 days later, one of the girls in the clique noticed

that my chest had become flat again asked me about it and I just

pretended like I didn't hear her. Needless to say,I was cast out of

the clique again. Did anybody have this kind of experience growing up?

What was it like for you?

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GIST SIX

 ULO WAHALA

       

Abeg Aunty stella help me post this oo,I went to my village on easter this year,na so I go my aunt's place say Mek I go stay small with them before coming back,there's this my little niece of about 3yrs old and she like chewing *Ulo*(please I don't know the English name oo.pregnant women like chewing that)na so I follow ds my little niece dey chew this thing,even my aunt and my cousin dem warn me Mek I no chew that thing 2much cos it can make me not 2 shit well but I no hear,i just dey tel dem say if my shit strong I go buy sprite use am dilute my stomach.

We don chop finish,na so I say Mek I enter toilet go shit,come see gbege na,shit no gree come out,i struggle sit down 4 the toilet sit e no gree me,i stand up on top the system,shit no gree come out,i carry bucket sit down,no way,i even bend 4 the ground of the toilet,i no see any shit,na so I start 2 dey cry oo dey call everybody Mek dem come help me cos the tin don hook me 4 nyanch,4 some days I never go toilet and the worst be say that my niece wey me and am follow chop the tin,nothing do am.

Na so all of dem go dey buy tins wey go dissolve my belle,orange,andrew liver salt,sprite,still no show,i carry shit 4 nyach 4 almost one week,one day I just summon courage enter toilet bend down 4 ground,i carry my finger put 4 my nyanch,as I dey struggle with all my energy I dey bring the shit out 4 my nyach one by one with my finger,i go rest small continue from wia I stopped 4 inside toilet oo,the next thing wey I see na *woooohhhhh*! 4 ground,the shit just full evrywia, you can imagine the kind of laugh my cousin dem give me that day.

For complete one month,if I wan go toilet I go dey fear cos all my nyach tear tear finished the tin dey pain me oo,all bcos of *ulo*.i just use red pen give am BAD say I no chop am again 4 my life.

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GIST SEVEN

NAIL CHOOK OKEY

Hi dear Stella,

Something happened way back when I was still in secondary school. I attended a mixed school and trust teachers, whenever there were things like children's day or 1st October march-past, the SS1 students were always used. U know, new school uniforms and new school shoes would definitely add points to schools.

So when my set got to SS1, a lot of us refused to take part in the marching practice saying that the old students that did the marching were never entertained with correct food except water and biscuits. Our sports master got so frustrated one day as 1st Oct was approaching and he didn't have up to 10 students willing to do the marching. 

He came to the class and asked us to say our reasons for not doing the marching and trust students with different reasons. One said he was sad cos he lost his grandma and a lot said they were sick. So the teacher said he would take all of us to the hospital the next day. The following day we came but I noticed one particular boy (Okey) with plaster and bathroom slippers, he kept limping and kept saying 'nail chook me for dis leg and I can't walk'. He was crying seriously and refused to stop and sharparly our sports master ordered some boys to help Okey into the school bus. Alongside others, we left for the general hospital and Okey cried all the way to the hospital. 

On getting to the hospital, our sports master said Okey should be first attended to cos the crying was just too much and he was scared Okey might die of tetanus. So he entered into the Doctor's office but vehemently refused to be touched claiming severe pain. The Dr removed his suit, called two nurses and two male students to help him hold Okey down so he could at least remove the plaster and see the depth of the injury. When he was held steady after about 20 minutes of wailing and calming down, the plaster was removed but lo and behold, there was no opening anywhere on Okey's leg. 

In a confused state, the Dr asked him, 'where in particular did you injure? And to our amazement, he responded thus, " ntu mara m kama o pughi epu" meaning "nail chook me true true but the thing no open", which kain? The doctor just vex pursue all of us from the hospital and with correct embarrassment on his face, our sports master left the hospital,gathered energy and gave Okey correct flogging the next day at the assembly. Okey bore the nickname"ntu mara m" till we left secondary school.

I have not chosen any winner in the last two Saturdays becos of self hype.Last week two posters kept mailing me that they won and if i said to this person,i saw anonymous hype and so on..I am too busy too even go back to count the votes which must exclude anonymous'

If any blog visitor with a known ID is willing to help count the original votes and declare the winner,that person should send me mail for IHN on Monday on the winner from Saturday and Sunday Gists. - one winner.