Sunday In House Gists

These gists are Continued from the Version of the in house gists-
Check here to read SATURDAY IN HOUSE gists again and choose a winner as only one Winner can emerge from both posts.

GIST EIGHT

BET FOR TIGER NUT

When i was like 10years old or so.. Me and my friends dey outside dey play,before we begin argue who jump pass. I no know who send me oh,na im i say na me jump pass.but i go jump on one condition,if my friend go set im "TIGER NUT" wey him dey chop,hausa people dey call am "aya".but the guy no gree,he say he go only fit set half of one seed of tiger nut
(can you imagine?).unto say the tin hungry me die,na im i agree.

Na im my friends show me the succaway pits wey i go jump,about five of them(very wicked friends). Na im i pull slippers,fold my trouser,and i begin jump with full speed,as i dey jump my friends begin chant my name,so my head come dey big.

i jump the first,second,third,fourth,as i wan jump the fifth,na im liver fail me...before you know it,i dey middle of people SHIT dey sink go down(cos na zinc dem use cover the pit).i begin shout for help,ma friends dey dere dey laff,before one broda come lift me up out of that SHIT wey hot pass red iron.

 I get luck say my head no sink inside. Mehn na im i begin trek go house,see small children dey follow me with laff.na my friends come dey chase them away.The kin shame wey hook me that day reach to make devil pity me....

Abeg if you no know "TIGER NUT",google am,den divide one seed into two parts.Just because of one half part na im i go fall inside my fellow human being SHIT wey the hotness reach to scatter our ozone layer. I THANK GOD WEY SAVE ME....

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GIST NINE

SHAYO MAMA!!!

Long long ago, when I was staying at A Family friend's place! (Semi- getto),  I use to be a shayo master(drunkard), I even do Drinking competition with guys and beat them hands down.

So there was this day that they were celebrating end of the Year party in the compound, which was a big compound, lots. Of food and shayo(alcohol),  trust me I show! Drank very well to stupor, drank from 2pm till 1am! I wasn't high! .

 Oyinbo would say wasted! I was wasted,  Then it was time for me to go to my own apartment and bath! Well since it was a semi getto  place, we all have to share toilets. And bathrooms and everybody has their own drum and bucket of water close to the bathroom or toilet! So as a wasted Human bieing I saw a bucket of water! Since no light I didn't care to look! I just entered the bathroom and turned the bucket of water on my body( even thou I was still wearing my cloths and shoes) it was when I was trying to wash my face that I realized some lumps all over My face and body! 

I couldnt see cause it was dark! Shayo no give me sense to on the light! I smelt it and realized it was shit, poo poo that was all over my body! I said to my self that this was an evil plot that the person knows that I would be drunk and kept the bucket of poo poo there(shayo na bastard), so I said I would show them, I use the same bucket of poo diped it into a drum off clean water and poured it on my body(still in my cloths) it felt so sweet. I then went straight to bed! Well 2 things woke me up later in the day,

1) Massive Headache and hangover

2) Serious fight between the owner of the poopoo bucket and the drum of water.

I just laylow and made my self very scarce.

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GIST TEN

Wig Palaver!!!

My days in Unilag was sweet oh! Any way on this faithful sunday! I was looking all pretty and fine with my self, even my roomies were complimenting me! I had this lovely wig on! The wig had a big fringe in front and very long length, it was pretty, I was looking like one Miss world.

Ok  time to go to church, so I walk out to the bus stop opposite new hall waiting for a cab, well cabs Are always very scarce on Sundays in Unilag, so I just had to wait. The next tin a car pulled up and beckoned on me to Come so he can drop me off, there was another girl standing there, so I told the girl to come and join us, for security reasons sha, so I quickly rushed to the back seat, I didn't want to sit in the front with the guy, while entering the car that was when the disaster happened, my wig hooked to a hanger the guy use to hang his shirt, and I Close the door on the wig, so the wig was half way off my head.

The guy was like sorry your hair is almost off , adjust it! 

God I almost fainted! 

Upon the miss world, see me dragging my wig with door and hanger(sense no tell me say make I open door remove am) the guy was actually waiting for me to remove the wig before He drove off, finally I did, when I tried wearing the wig, the fringe was shifted to the side of my ear,  the guy had to tell me to correct it before leaving the car, he was nice. But I was super embarrassed. You need to see me in church swollen ,almost snapped at an usher.  It all ended in laughter when I narrated my story to my roomies

Hope I didn't waste ya time

Thanks for reading

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GIST ELEVEN
DOG TALES

Stella no bi today i wayward o...When I was 10 yrs,went to spend holiday with my bachelor uncle in ogudu .the house was face me I face you,my uncle room is third to the last room and their was a dog in that compound that I avoid because I was a visitor and was warned by my uncle,I didn't like going out cos of this dog and held poopoo and urine for long until the dog left to play out of compound before I could go to toilet. One day, I opened our door and peeped around to watched if the dog was around but I didn't see anything,I was so joyful and said I would be going to play outside today, as I was rejoicing around 6 pm and going out,I never knew the dog was lying asleep at edge outside the passage,immediately I saw the dog,I ran back and the dog chased me immediately,I try to target my uncles door, instead I ended up forcing another neighbours door open by mistake and shut it immediately. The husband and wife were straffing live, the woman quickly tie wrapper and the husband quickly put on boxer,they said what happened, I shout Dog!Dog!!,the man was mad at me,he did everything to force me out but I hold the bed tight for fear of the Dog outside,the man quickly opened and tried to chase the Dog but I insisted i was,not going out until they called my Uncle,my uncle took me back to my Dad the next day straight,I swear to God

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GIST TWELVE
THAT ISOKO SONG

Good day my people. This happened in my village church. There is this Isoko song that says:'Whe Ku iye ,whe Ku iye, whe ku iye, whe ku iye,iyeyeyeyee whe ku iye, whe iye Oghene(come let's praise God).

Whenever this song is being sang in the church, one particular man will be singing and crying. With his hands spread unto heaven and eyes up, he will sing, gesticulate and cry. People kept on wondering what was pushing the man to tears. Unfortunately nobody knew because the man being the head usher sits alone at the Church's entrance door.

Then one day, the children had their departmental worship day, thus service was anchored by them. During 'Singspiration', people were asked to sing any song that touches them. The head usher volunteered to sing. He was singing and crying as usual. At a point he dropped the microphone and spread his hands to heaven,crying.
Guess what he sang : The 'whe ku iye' song. The only problem was that he sang it as if it is an Igbo song and what he sang has no correlation with the original version. Hear him:'Wepurum ihe,wepurum ihe,wepurum ihe,wepurum ihe, iyeiyeiyeiye wepurum ihe,wepurum ihe,o gini?' Meaning: 'Remove it from me, remove it from me,iyeiyeiyeiye,remove it from me, na wetin?'.Nobody knows what was weighing the man down that he has been crying all these while for God to remove from him.

Come see laff for church that day. People laff so tey the coordinator rang bell,rang bell,rang bell, no way until the adult choir started singing 'Before Jehovah's awful throne, ye nations bow with sacred joy...' Once this song is being sang in church, even if you are the devil, you must keep quiet. Na so the laughter stopped. Later, the Children department coordinator sang the song correctly and translated it.  After that incident, the man became subdued. The head deacon that was doing 'garagara' and harrasing people especially those that sleeps during service and ladies wearing mini skirt became ice block. If you like sleep or talk till the end of the service, the man no go near your side because once he pass, people will start laughing. 

The embarrassment was too much that the next year, when the man was nominated again in the Ushering department, he declined.

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GIST THIRTEEN
VEGGY FOOD

This is my gist for the weekend in house gist, I hope bvs

find it funny so I can win.Here it goes......

My mom is a diabetic patient and she's always on treatment. For months

now she has not been eating the same food with us,she

cooks her meals separately since doctors advised her not to cook with salt

nor maggi(seasoning) and reduce her intake of oil.It was hard

for her as first because mom is an original ijebu woman, the one an

Igbo person will call Ofe mmanu.The epo(red oil)in her soups can deep

fry a Whole carton of frozen chicken.. But she later got used to it.

When she eats her meals she makes funny and angry faces as if she's

eating poop so that i won't do longer throat plus me no gbadun such

tasteless food.Last Saturday she cooked one delicious looking veg

soup.shaki,pomo and snails were causing riots in it.I took

no interest since her food is always tasteless. After mom knacked the

soup with wheat meal and a chilled bottle of Schweppes, she dozed

off like a preggy woman.

I came over to clear the Table and I saw two leftover pomo still parabulating in the plate.shey dis sexy Toolz lookalike pomo will now go to waste ni? Lailai not in this regime.Naso I throw

one for mouth......JESUS! OMG.....I couldn't believe my

taste buds.

The pomo sweet die! In fact maggi reach am pepper reach

am salt reach am.the second pomo could not even use 5sec in my mouth

befor my throat kidnapped it away.Naso I stealthily went to get more. I sat

at on the couch opposite mom knacking the soup it Agidi(Eko).

so sweet was the Soup dat I began moaning.she woke up with a surprised

gaze at me eating her 'tasteless'soup. Immediately I started making the same

funny faces she makes when she eats she burst out laughing. She

said...baby you don catch me. I said oya mommy start confessing.she said "

errrmmm baby e no easy to chop food way no get maggi and salt o.na only

one month I take do am bfor I taya.na one thing go kill person so abegi

make I enjoy myself befor I die" Hehehe mama ijebu!

Well I promised her not to tell dad on the Condition that that I get to

eat 2 plates from all her soups*winks... And dad will have to bribe me

befor i tell him loolz *Ijebu woman in making .

When kasala burst sha I will let una know.Stay tuned y'all!