Sunday In House Gists.

Read Saturday in house gist as PART ONE HERE

Read Today gists and confirm who the overall winner is in the comment section.Winner takes it ALL- 5k

GIST NUMBER 1

TOILET WAHALA

My story may not be funny but I want to share my experience in Secondary school then. I went to all girls boarding school and it is an Anglican Convent. Our duties were just to read and join in any activities that comes up. So we practically don't wash or sweep cos we had workers that are paid for the job. So there was this woman,early fifties or thereabout that comes to wash the toilet around 8am and 4pm everyday except weekends where the scapegoats wash it as punishments. One day,I asked a junior student to check if the woman don wash the toilet finish,she said yes. So I went in to urinate and my classmate too went in to defecate without her bucket of water(the woman gets angry wen you don't flush after use). As I dey urinate ooo,na so the woman enter and saw me and asked for my water,I told her dat na urine ooo wey I dey pass out. Then my friend don start to shit when the woman saw her without her bucket of water,na so the woman dragged her out from the toilet ooo,nyash she no wipe nothing nothing.the woman come dey shout,my friend come dey confuse whether to wear her pants or not. 

Because of the students' attitude,the woman resigned,so we were left with the duty. And it was only carried out if there were scapegoats. One fateful day,I downloaded two plates of Yam porridge n after some hours my stomach com dey show signs. The thing no gree me hold and the toilet was a mess.the only manageable toilet there has a problem with its door(ie it can't stay open unless u hold it). So I went in,in order not to get infected,I had to shit lyk one while stooping low and quickly moving forward to avoid the big SPLASH. Na so I shit one,stand. 

Shit another and stand. Remember,I used one hand to hold the door,the other hand for my dress and my mouth for the tissue. So when I was about releasing the next one, my tissue wanted to fall and for me to pick it up and to quickly move forward,cos my hand wasn't on the door again to keep it open,I com jam the door with my head and the force bounced me back inside the toilet. You can tell the rest of the story.

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GIST NUMBER 2

IYA WAHAB CAUGHT RED HANDED

Helloo sdkers, this is something that happened in my area about 3 years ago.

There is this woman called(iya wahab) very quiet woman,not real name.she married an alhaji and they had grown up kids and she was the 2nd wife.they had lots of tenants amongst this tenant was (baba dayo) he was a transporter and lived with his wife and 3kids downstairs.

On one faithful day we woke up to this gist that baba dayo was having an affair with iya wahab and that iya dayo had suspected them but no concrete evidence but she noticed the hubby left her on the bed very early in the morning in their one bedroom apartment. Na so iya dayo wake up come begin they find hubby calling his name and going upstairs towards landlady's room o.you all wont believe this stupid husband jumped from upstairs and broke his arm na so baba dayo no fit move again, kasala burst and the man's wife started shouting  till everyone on the street woke up.

The landlord heard and came, gave the baba dayo quit notice o. Till date iya wahab is not respected especially amongst her other tenants cus its like a recycling gist.before she say a word to women on the street, they remind her of her promiscuous and shameful act!

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GIST NUMBER 3

''THEY WILL NOT EAT MY PUSSIES IN JESUS NAME''

Bvs well done, I salute una.

I just remembered something that happened way back, when mobile

phones just came out and people were dialling wrong numbers just to

make friends or fool around. Especially guys.

This happened to my mum, my mum is a very superstitious person. You

know all these mountain of fire things, fly will pass and she will say

they sent it. Coackroach will pass and she will start cabashing. All

these increased when my dad died cause she felt village people were

after us.

So to the main gist. she's not literate, So I read her text messages

for her when she gets one. On that faithful day she received a text

and brought the phone for me to read it, the text read;

'I'm going to eat your pussy and make you scream and cry'

I was about fourteen then and I knew what it meant but I couldn't tell

my mum cause she would carry me for deliverance the next day for

knowing such word. My mum couldn't understand the message and asked me

what the sender meant by pussy, I replied it should be pussy cat na.

My mum decided to call the number back but the guy was not picking.

The next thing my mum started praying, she said the pussy they want to

eat are her kids. That its a threat, they want to make her cry again

after eating my dad(referring to village people).

We starting praying, she was speaking in tongues and cabashing.

'No body will eat my pussy'

'My pussies are covered with the blood of jesus'

'I shall not have a reason to cry'

'God protect my pussy'

We also did like 3days fasting and prayer on top pussy matter.

Hope it wasnt too dry? Enjoy una day

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GIST NUMBER 4

GETTING A JOB IN JESUS NAME

So last Sunday I attend one new church like that. The Pastor come give earth shaking message. Say mek we go big big places demand for our appointment because na big God we dey serve. Thank God say hubby travel so I get time do anything wey my faith lead me to do. I no carry motor wey hubby say mek I dey use go church before he come back. Mek dem think say I rich? 

Nooooooooooo 

   Monday morning I plan say I dey go to WHO (World Health Organisation), I prayed about this issue almost all night. Carry "War against Hamman" booklet do agreement prayer like 7 times. I kukuma carry my 2 months old baby put for back make dey for see say I get pikin pity me. 

   I got to the gate and almost knelt down for security man.  

 Security: Madam who do you want to see?

 Me: Sir I don't know his name

 Security: Call him na

 Me: Oga I don't know his number but by God's grace you will allow me see him

 Security: Who is he again?

 Me: HR manager 

 He goes in to call another woman security officer and those ones sabi dey wicked eh. I quickly saw another security guy reading Christian Women Mirror, I wan show say I born again. I come say "Sir are you a Deeper Life member?" He said yes, "oh I love your church can I have this life changing book to develop myself"? 

He hands me the book, I bend knee collect am. And in the north bending of knee na serious big deal o. For my mind I say this man go say I be good sister beg his oga say mek dem allow me enter. 

 Suddenly woman security arrive, she say wetin I dey find, for my mind I say my confidence must not shake o. I say I wan see HR, she ask if I get appointment with am. I say I no get but by "God's grace" you will let me in. She say nothing like God here o, mek I just dey go. If I want to submit CV mek I go online. I told her I'm from the northeast and WHO say they wan build our destroyed villages by next year so I wan book from now mek I dey among the rebuilders. She say she no wan dey argue with me because of small pikin wey I carry but for my own good mek I just dey go. Naim I waka go climb bike o. Chai dat pastor make me feel like say I go get job before Tuesday o. The hustle continues sha.

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GIST NUMBER 5

EMERGENCY MAD WOMAN

Hello Stella, let me share this gist.

After my SSCE in those years, while waiting for Admission, i worked as

a sales attendant in a store. At the close of work by 6pm, i used to

pass through one path along the railway line down to my house. We used

to hear tales of how passersby were robbed and raped by touts along

the path when it was dark.

So on this day, i closed a bit late and since the path was shorter and

it was not that dark, i decided to risk it. I had walked halfway when

i heard a voice behind me "hey! stop there". In my mind i said 

" kai,i don die today, wetin i go do now?"

I stopped abruptly and started laughing wildly like a mad woman, i

jumped up, removed my sandals and threw them away still laughing. The

look on the two men's faces almost made me roll on the ground. They

started retreating, i charged fiercely at them, choi! they ran faster

than Usain Bolt. I continued on my way home talking to myself and

laughing wildly till i got to the path that led to my house.

emmykate4love@gmail.com

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GIST NUMBER 6

DISGRACED BY THE WIND

Good day Stella and Bvs....Make I knack una tori.

So one cool Sunday evening I and Le boo decided to go to a leisure lake.
While driving towards the street, we noticed there was an event at an event centre opposite the place so there was no parking space. We had to drive quite far before we saw a comfortable spot to tuck our car.

Meanwhile le boo had been hailing me that I looked hot in my short skater dress (I no know who send me to wear dress o). As soon as we parked and I got down I felt the breeze. I quickly used style to stop and press my body on the car while I told le boo that I was scared my dress would fly up. I was saying it in a hush manner cos so many people were trying to park too.

He told me there was no problem that the wind wasn't enough to lift my dress.
Na so I use style hold the two sides of my dress come begin dey waka till we got to the entrance and paid gate fee.
Meanwhile Le boo was scolding me to leave my dress that I was just being paranoid.

People of God as we stepped in na so this breeze come from no where and pulled off my wig. I just saw my wig flying in the air!!!!

As I made to dash for the wig na so my dress just fly up cover me for face. I wanted the ground to just open. Meanwhile so many people were there and were just saying sorry...I no even fit answer.
Le boo was just laughing like an hysterical hyena throughout.
I left the wig and stormed out towards the car without bothering to hold my dress again. Shebi the thing don kukuma disgrace me.
Mtchewwwwwww.

Email: debolabalogun8@gmail.com

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GIST NUMBER 7

MY FUNNY EXPERIENCE IN PH.

 "Curiosity they say kills a monkey but in this ma own ordeal, i supposed it was rather curiosity + ignorance + karma  that almost killed the Elephant in me.....      

....

Now fasten your seat belt make i yan you wetin happen to your own jay last weekend ...if you like laugh me or curse me out...i know wia to jam you shaa....

....

My cousin chizoba had been disturbing me for ages..Nnaa,"as she would fondly call me , "tryii kwaanu bianu Ph one weekend kwanu...ka-anyi kukporiaa..(make out time to visit me in ph so we would have fun ) .

I would always laugh over it but give her a resolute promise of spending my weekend in her house one of dis days. ..

Last weekend,  i decided to Travel all the way from Lagos to Port Harcourt to spend the weekend (their infamous boli + roasted fish still gat me nostalgic)

Chizzy my cousin could hardly hide her ecstacy immediately she caught a glimpse at her big bro jay...

She hurriedly slammed the door of her car to jump on me like a baby frog ...

Its really been long we shared such moments together ,so even the blind could acquiesce the little melo drama.

  Hmmmmmm...so chizzy..."igota go motor ?...obere chizoba nwa unyaa ? 

"I teased her..

Hiding her face in a momentary blush, "she slightly hit my chest as she tended

To refute the supposed insult i gave her...?

I spent the better part of that saturday night  cruising round GRA with chizzy as we later finished it up in the Club in the company of Frank my guy and his babe.

I came home that night so tipsy but not drunk shaa that i slept off like someone that just received his gratuity. ..  

....."wake up ...wakey wakey....sleepy head " chizzy tried waking me up to prepare for church that early morning. ..

I shrugged a bit and slept off again..

She had to leave me as she hurriedly left for mass...

I woke up around 10:45am with dis heavy headache that resulted from the hangover last night..

I never liked headache, so i decided to look for medicine to at least calm down my heated head.... (wrong move and wia my wahala started )....

  ....i spent some time looking for paracetamol in chizzy's room until i opened her bedside drawer that revealed a small white polythene with plenty of different pills as its content.

I immediately sighted the Emzor paracetamol and quickly took 2 tablets.(i for kukuma stop dia )

I started looking at the pills and discovered one that looked like Blood capsule to me and i decided to add that one to my paracetamol (abeg start praying small small for me ).. .

@ first , i wasn't feeling any discomfort not until chizzy came back and discovered That i scattered her drawer and asked what i was looking for....

.....i was already kinda unease that i decided to ask her if that supposed "Blood capsule " was really blood capsule. ....

Chizzy shouted on top of her voice in amusement as she told me to my face in my own bewilderment and utmost dismay...

.."bro Echee. ..you just took   PREGNANCY CONTROL pill ......

.....

...ewoooooo.....as i am writing this Meme....

I think i have missed my PERIOD oooo

Ladies oooo....

How the tin dey be ?

I am already on ma way to lagos for an ante natal. Lol... 

Ph don kill me oooo

Lesson : never you search for wetin you no keep and avoid women's bag by all means

Be sure of any pill before you take

I am out...

still your boy mc jkcyno

Jkcyno@yahoo.com

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GIST NUMBER 8

IF YOU LIKE EAT THE MONEY

Hi stella love, hope you are cool. Straight to my Amebo gist.

This happened between my immediate younger sister and my kid sister. Normally, popsi used to give my kid sister money to school but stopped at a point, because he thought she was too young to take money to school. He then initiated the idea of my mum to start making food for her. 

Meanwhile, my kid sister wasn't cool with the idea, as she preferred to go with money to school. Don't know how she came out with the plan of buying textbooks and notebook every other week. Well, we never saw any of the books she bought, because whenever my immediate younger sister asked her about the book she bought, she always gave the excuse of either her teacher is using the text book, to prepare her lesson note, or she submitted the notebook for marking.

  So there was this particular day, my parents travelled. Nai my kid sister come with her tricks, say she wan buy book. Since my dad left us with pocket money, my immediate younger sister gave her a #200 note and told her to come with her change, or "if she likes make she chop the money"

  Nai my kid sister ball go school. When she came back, she had her lunch and was about to do her assignment, when my immediate sister waka go meet her. So where is the book you bought, she asked her, meanwhile I dey watch Tv, dey pretend like I nor know watin dey sup. I looked at my kid sister with the side of my eyes, Nai so she stand innocently dey shine her big eyes. My immediate sister continue, Now, where is the book and where is my change? I sha called her and asked her. Omo nai so the small girl open mouth oooooo, 

*was she not the one that said if I like, I should eat the money* Ah! I nor know when I fall for ground dey laugh. My immediate sister confuse 

"so you come like chop the money abi? She too burst laugh. When my parents came, we told them the gist, na so them burst laugh, my dad said you indirectly asked her to eat the money na, so she like, and ate it. I hope this story make una laugh oooooo,,, because anytime I remember this, I can't help but laugh my ass out.

   

And the winner is.....................?

I need a volunteer to help me pay the winner the 5k.

Who will bail me out?