Saturday In House Gists.

Saturday in house gists today is so funny and i had a good laugh reading All.Part two will continue tomorrow.
Between Saturday And Sunday gists,only one winner can emerge,please read well,the winner must not be the funny one,might even be the most creatively written or educative.
I hail oh!

GIST ONE

PISS BUCKET

I hail all the bvs.

This na gist wey happen many years ago wey I go visit my sister for her uni. 

Make I tell una something about my sister; I no know abi na washing be her hobby, she can wash anything washable, arrange house like hundred times a day. Anywhere wey she de, that place must de sparkle.

So, for her compound then, she get one neighbour wey be guy, the guy room de inside the compound, while my sister own de the entrance of the compound.

Meanwhile, my sister get one small  bucket wey she de use piss for night, as her room no be self-con. Very early in the morning, she go pour the piss, then wash the bucket immediately. So the bucket de always de shine, you no go ever fit smell piss for the bucket.

One evening, my sister come say make I bring the bucket inside say she wan piss, she no wan enter inside the compound cos some guys come visit that her neighbour and the toilet de inside the compound, after the guy room. The guy de cook for outside, so him and his friends de outside de gist.

I come tell her say I no see the bucket o, she say I no wan bring am, say who go collect the bucket from front of her room wey she  de always keep am? She come reach outside to look for the bucket, she no see am. She come de say; ha, na my piss bucket na im thief see wey them go thief? She just de talk am de waka enter inside compound,small time she just pause, use back run enter inside her room, use hand cover her mouth. 

I com de ask say wetin happen? Probably after the guy don cook soup finish and him friends come visit am, him no get big bowl for eba, na im the guy come borrow my sister piss bucket without telling us, since the two of them de flow very well. 

That time wey my sister sight the guy, he don already make the eba for the bowl, de even dish am put for plate wey them go chop. Na so I shout say make my sister go tell the guy, her roomy say lie lie, say them don de chop, say if my sister tell the guy say the guy fit die.

Na so this guy and him friends take chop eba from my sister piss bucket o.

Moral; bvs, make una de always ask before una use person thing, no matter how close una and the person de.

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GIST TWO

TURKEY PALAVER

Stella, I want to share an embarrassing encounter I had today (Friday night). I stay with my married sister and my mom and some cousins came visiting some days ago and have been here since then. This night, we were all in the kitchen making dinner while ‎her husband and my cousins together with some of his friends were watching TV in the sitting room. (Abeg make I switch to pigin)

One of them self dey give me eye and me too dey shine teeth with am. We make Jollof we con fry different kind meat and stew them as dey be high class for dem house. After serving everyone else, I decided to serve myself and enjoy my food jejeli o, na so my brother in-law con call me make I con clear were den chop. As I carry the plates, I sight say my brother in-law no too chop him turkey, meat still remain for hin body. No be say I no carry meat for my food o, I carry but the glutton in me dey tell me say make I add that turkey join for my food. 

Just as I carry the meat from the plate make I chop na hin all of them just burst enter kitchen with that him friend o, I no even know wen the meat fall for ground for my hand, I just stand there dey look like say make ground open swallow me, the guy just shake head for me commot outside ni o.

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GIST THREE

FIRST TIMER

I greet the full house like this like this oo. Ma lo ma sun lori okada to wa inu motion( Don't sleep while motorcycle is in motion) 

 To the main gist wey happen on Wednesday wey just pass so,na unto my guy wey smoke igbo o(Indian hemp) base on pastor son wey hin be,the guy never smoke before. 

If you know a place called Igarra you will know about their rock. Na so we enter under rock go smoke o based on sey the rock dey always cold . Pastor son Kan follow drag small. Na so my guy enter house go dey form one thing one thing o.

 God so kind na only hin dey house based on sey everybody don enter church. My guy put on TV and fan. Befor you know na hin my guy hear voice sey he no lock door. My guy stand up go check, the door dey locked. Voice tell am sey gate dey open sey wen he enter he no lock am, my guy still stand up go check the tin dey lock. Na so my guy reason sey hope sey hin never dey mad so, voice answer am sey he no dey mad. If you know sey you dey mad go off the fan, my guy stand up go off am. Na so heat begin dey mama am o. 

My guy shout shuo na madness be dis na. He go put on the fan again na hin the voice tell am sey he never dey mad sey make he put off the TV my guy off the TV. Abeg shey my guy never don mad so? Well, no be for my mouth una go hear sey Beyonce na Urhobo girl 

 Still on the matter o, na hin dem call my guy to come church, instead of sey make he just palm for house hin kan carry hin two left leg enter church  gbam. 

Prayer point be sey: Egbadura pe oluwa ooooo agbara to fun Babalola igba won nii,oluwa ooooo gbe won mii..(brethen pray that power that God gave Babalola in his time that God should give me...) 

na hin my guy talk sey: nikan tii pastor ye ko sope oluwa ooooo agbara to fun Dangote igba won niiii to fii lowo oluwa gbe won miii.(instead pastor should let us pray that the power you gave Dangote at that time that God should release that power unto me....).

NB: Babalola is the founder of CAC who was blessed with power to do miracle while Dangote is the founder of Dangote group who has money power. Now dem dey talk sey igbo dey kill cancer cell, na wa oh!!!

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GIST FOUR

EXPENSIVE SHIT

This happened last Friday Morning. I wanted to do some little shopping for my baby, luckily for me, my close friend said she would be going to balogun market in lagos that Friday so I decided to join her in her car. We then drove to balogun market with my 6 month old son.

When we got to the market, I told her i would like to withdraw some money from the bank cos I was not with any money on me, she too said she would like to withdraw some money too. She parked her car opposite the bank then we went inside. Luckily for me, the cashier attended to me before others on the queue because I was carrying a baby. When she handed me the money, I pleaded with her to give me a polythene bag to put the money cos I left my purse in the car.

I was jejele waiting for my friend when my son started crying, I checked and noticed he had gone to toilet, I now collected the car keys from her so I could go change my baby. When I got to the car, I opened the door and sat at the back, I removed the money i withdrew from the polythene bag and put it inside my purse and dropped the purse very close to my baby, i then removed the diaper containing the babys poo, put it inside the nylon and drop it on top the chair so that when I was through with my baby I would look for a wastebin and throw it, I was facing the left side while the nylon was by my right.

When I finished changing my baby and turned around, lo and behold the nylon was gone. I was stunned, I now looked around and saw this young guy running ahead with the nylon on his hand, I started laughing. For him mind him done hammer (nylon full of money) not knowing he stole a nylon full of shit. I wish i could see the disappointment on his face when he would open the nylon to collect his loot. Lol. He deserved what he got right. 

cuteychi4all@gmail.com

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GIST FIVE

ANONYMOUS PATTER OF TINY FEET

I hail ooo

E get one woman for our area,she don first get one daughter before she

con marry dis my area bros.

As she reach here she born 4 children for that bros but the bros nor

dey take care of her,and the woman self nor get work na only amebo she

sabi .

Recently she get another belle but the DH say nor be him get am,the

woman family self come ask the woman who give am belle,she no talk nai

the bros say make dem they carry their pikin go oo.He con even talk

say their last baby before the belle sef nor be him get.

The woman family sha carry their pikin go,later later nai we con hear

say na one boy wey be like junior brother(area brother) to the bros

give the woman belle.

The bros nearly die,shame sef nearly kill am...the woman now go soon

welcome her patter of tiny feet.

BV Lekwa ukwu

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GIST SIX

OLAMIDE IN MY DREAMS

Stella and BVS, chopulate salute.

This funny experience happened dis past Monday. So on Sunday on my way back from church, I met this guy in  public transport, we got talking, he told me he's based in UK, a hairstylist, has a model girlfriend, has a range rover that is faulty hence him been in public transport, promised he's busked up and can help me with finances e.t.c, foolish me exchanged phone numbers.

The guy called me on Monday afternoon that he will be attending a get together party at Olamide (badoo) apartment at magodo and he wants me to be his date. I was internally happy that finally, I will see my man crush though I was scared and also I was to have a serious test on Tuesday morning. To be on the safer side, I invited two of my crazy friends who are also olamide's fan. We kept table knife in our small purse for defence in case of incasity.

At exactly 11:59, we left for the supposed olamide house, the guy bought food for us on the way, then he said he had to go to his hotel room to change into a better outfit, then we started suspecting foul play, I pinged my friend to ask if the knife was in position. Sha sha, we got to his hotel, he told us to come into the compound to wait for him to change, we opposed but later agreed since the area wasn't looking safe since he packed his rickety car outside. Hmmm, when we got into his hotel compound oo, he told us to order drinks, he sat down...one of my friends then asked if olamide has relocated to the hotel, he told us to chill. 

Hungry me, brought food out to eat, the food had three meat and two pomo...as I was about taking the second spoon, I felt a face turning, resounding slap on my cheek, it was the guys girlfriend that appeared from nowhere, before I could open my mouth, she poured my remaining food on my two other friends, then she started fighting seriously with her boyfriend. Me and my friends run pass Usain bolt enter hotel room, go collect room. Mumu us thought the manager will pity us and allow us stay for free, kia the manager talk say the room na 6k, that we should pay fast fast, my friend paid buh told me I will give her back the full money later since I was the genesis of the misfortune.

We sha stayed inside the room, played olamide's song tru-out the night, danced to it and imagined Olamide with us in the room, partying. I later learnt the guy is a riff raff, the layabout has never stepped his stinking foot in benin republic talkless of UK and that the rickety car he used isn't his but was on hire and not even the richest man in his generation has a range!!!.

Mmttcchheewww!

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GIST SEVEN

Application of common sense

Abeg me i wan gist my own sef......make people fit learn one or two thing. This tori happen to me like 4 years ago when I still set, come fine ghan…. Black beauty things, infact the kind toasting dem when I get that time from big men dem ehhh. Lol. That time I dey work for one big hotel for enugu dat time, they dey call am Golden Royale.

 Hmmmmmmm na so one evening when I dey afternoon shift na hin one man come buy market from my hand finish,dash me money,come go. So when I close from work for night na so I jus stand for road dey wait bus, before I look left and right na hin one fine car come stop in front of me, I come look I see say na dat my customer wey dash me money, he come say make I enter make he drop me…… 


for my mind dat day na better awoof day…………..


Na hin I open car come enter, we begin go, as we reach new heaven junction na hin the man talk say make we drive around small sake of say him wan know me small……..i say for my mind no wahala, nobody dey my house sef my papa and mama travel and NEPA bin cut our light for afternoon, so to go house no dey hungry me, na so I jus call our caretaker pikin tell am say make hin jus hang key for gate say I go soon show. 

We begin drive around ohhh, I jus dey enjoy A/C wey dey knack me for the ML . we talk ohhhh

Him ; so whats your name?

Me ;  my name is Mirabel………..(i no dey like talk my true name…lol)

Him ; ok, am nedu am on a business trip to enugu.

Me ; you are welcome sir.

Na so we dey talk ohhhh, I no no when we reach again road, hin come cut enter one corner like dat, hmmmmmm for my mind I say I don die…….na so he say make we greet him friends for one shop like dat, na so we drive ohhhhhhhh reach the shop, e come be say na coded chop chop hang out be dat. 

We come come down, go meet him friends, dey come dey ask am for igbo say ;

Asa gi a di kwa mma na anya ohhhh(this your girl dey ok ohhhh)

And me I bin don lie for am say I from kogi and I no dey hear igbo and he believe me because of the tribal mark wey I get for face  but na anambra girl I be, na so the guys dem come dey jist dey talk for igbo say no be only him go chop me ohhhhhh say nah hin house all of them go sleep dat night say;

Nnaaaa m ga esokwagi we rie nri na abalia ohhhhh(I go chop this girl with you this night ohhhh)

Jus e sosia ya ife, kpoturum, nnaa nwa ga atowa nti(if you finish jus call me, this girl go sweet die)

For my mind I say I don die today, I jus begin plan exit strategy for my mind, I no know who be who for that hangout, I no fit shout before dem go kill me, the bar man come come ask am say;

Ke ife aga ewetara nwa gi(what do I bring for your girl)

Na so the friend come pull the guy for shirt bend am, come tell am for ear say make he bring Smirnoff then make he go buy dat thing for am, me I no wan know the thing, na so the guy go bring the drink me I come touch am say e too cold, say make he bring another one because I no trust dat 1^st one, na so I sip the thing small come tell the guy say hungry dey catch me, say I wan chop, he come say make dem bring ugba or peppersoup for me, I come say no say dem get one Mr Biggs wey dey for the road wey we pass say na dia I wan chop, and as person wey dey wan use bang finish for night he come say ok, say make we dey go, he come say make I drop my handbag na, I say ok, by then I don collect my id cards, atm, money and phone put for me pocket. I come leave the handbag for there, 

we come go, as we jus enter the Mr biggs na so I jus come down, enter the place, i go sit down dey thank my God for the escape na hin the idiot come meet me say wetin I wan chop, I jus look am from head to toe, come speak igbo for am say;

Chukwunna in eligwe calls you, I let you in the group you want to set okwaya?E touched here hmmmmmm cost of adult Beatrice (God set you on fire, its people want to rape Abi, hung in touch ehhhh, you will see something bigger than you) and the guy jus Shock, and Race take commot from the eatery.

Since that day I no gree say I know any naija language when I jus meet pple.

Una well done ohhhhhh