Saturday In House Gists.

Them try sha!
We tried to pay last weeks winner but the Bank says her account does not have BVN...LMAO!

GIST ONE

COCONUT RUMBLES

Hi Stella, so this happened to me last year.

I woke up that Thursday morning, and I had to leave Akure for Lagos to submit a letter in person and leave Lagos for Abuja to catch a flight to Dubai.... a day prior to my departure my mom brought me coconut since I love me some coconut and haven't had some for years. So Thursday morning we set off to leave Akure, on our way I started eating my sweet coconut. I did all I had to do in Lagos, boarded my flight to Abuja.. when we were in the air, I started to hear my tommy rumble.

   I arrived Abuja LIKE 1 hour 30 MINUTES prior to my departure to Dubai,And i had to clear my luggages then stand on the line to board my flight to Dubai. As luck was against me, they had a slow network connection and issuing my boarding pass and even printing my baggage tags was a hassle. ( let me switch to pigin o, English hard)

Naso, I stand there oo, shit don dey catch me. And I no fit leave my bags there, I come ask one Bros wey dey help weigh bags say where toilet dey? he said I have to pass immigration first, say toilet dey after immigration.. nah that day I know say I strong, cos nah strong person fit hold that kind shit tight. I just dey pray to God say make I no shit for body o. At last sha they come issue me boarding pass, nah so I dey run to catch my flight. Nah me e remain make plane take off. So as I reach plane, I just arrange my hand luggage sit down. Say I go hold this shit till after take off.

Nah that day I learn lesson, say purging and gravity no dey work together.. 

Jesus, as this plane start to dey take off nah so e be like say the shit dey press down, my yansh muscles no fit hold am again, I dey sweat like Christmas goat.. hahaha, the way I comot seat belt dey fly down the aisle to the toilet hen.. Usain bolt couldn't have ran faster. 

The flight attendant wey sit beside toilet dey hala "ma'am you aren't supposed to be out of your seat" I just give am one wicked side eye. Enter toilet shit, after I release this shit hen e be like say I win lottery..

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GIST TWO

FIRST TIME SMOKER

Good day ma. I don't know if the Bvs will find this funny but I sure laughed.

There was this guy in school those days that jonzed after smoking igbo (indian hemp) for the first time...

His best friend was at the G S building ( General studies building) when he called him that afternoon and told him he was coming there to see him. On reaching there, His friend was busy talking with one babe like that...anyone that attended UNN knows how busy GS building gets in the afternoon.

So the dude just tapped his friend on the shoulder and told him that something is whispering in his ear...that the voice is just telling him to shout. At that time,his friend did not know he was high becos he had never smoked before.

So the friend just casually told him to go and  shout now, thinking it was their normal jokes and all. 


Na so the guy waka go,still come back after few seconds , still told the guy that he wants to shout oo, at that point his friend excused himself from the babe,pulled the guy aside and told him to stop spoiling his runs...that he can shout if he wants to...na so my guy waka stand where people plenty come start 

oo....Jesus! Jeeeessus!!!! Jeeeeeesu!!!!! Jeeeeeeeeeesuuu!!!!! Jeeeeeesuuss!!!!! Jeeeeeeessuuuussss!!!!!! Jeeeeeessuuuussss!!!! Jesus! Jesus!!!...


O boy! At that point his friends kom know say water sef don too pas garri oooo...as they rush hold am they try close his mouth, oga still dey yell Jesus!!! Jeeeeesuu!! Jeeeeeeeesuuss!!!!...na so dem stuff clothe for em mouth carry am enta cab rush am go his house...as them perceive the stuff for em mouth, everyone start to dey bring solutions oo...

Some say make dem flog am, some say na palm oil, some say na coconut water...nothing the guy no drink that day...even garri sef..after a while he slept off and woke later in the night. Since then na black Jesus dey kom dey call am oooo...  

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GIST THREE
END OF DISCUSSION

Stella I really love your blog been reading it back to back any chance I get. Here is another experience of mine from waaaaay back.

Way back in primary school my mates were scared of me cos I was a rough kid, but in primary 4 history was set to be made, as in confirm new record, I should be within 8/9years old. No be today wey I don dey wayward.

On this faithful day I sat back in class when others went for break cos I had been flogged earlier by my class teacher for issues related to undone assignment, though seated peacefully but angrily, when all of a sudden some girls gathered at a far end of the class who didn't go for break were busy gisting and yelling on top of their voices, so being a King Kong of the class and someone others feared, I was like,

"You people should stop making noise, if you want to make noise better go outside"

But I had forgotten they had the right since it was break time, but to my uttermost surprise, one of them in their midst Tope by name, I won't forget that name till I die, was like,

"Is it not break time?, why will you tell us to keep quiet?" She fired back at me

And coupled with the anger I already had in my treasure box, I was like,

"Am I the one you re talking to?"

But I got a bigger shocker when she replied back saying,

"Enn ennhn what ll you do?"

That statement infuriated me that the wires in my brain began to spark, 'see this girl sha, she no dey fear me' I said in my mind,

I left my seat in anger to discipline her but if to say I dey forsee the future I swear I for tanda for my seat, I walked up to her and just as I raised my hand to slap her, omoh nah there the fight take end for me,

I don't know if she played me film trick, I no just fit explain how e take happen cos as she hang my hand, I remember say I see myself for air, and the next thing was a nasty landing with my back, me on the floor and she on me, giving me all the hard punches her hands could gather, while your boy just dey ground dey struggle, that babe wicked ooo, I swear she for finish me if no be my class teacher barge in come save me.

As if that was the end, we were both summoned and this time class don dey full back, as I was trying to explain, I tried my best not to cry, but the silly tears wouldn't obey me, the thing just begin pour freely by emself as I dey try to explain,, ccchoii, that was E.O.D for me.

Base on popular kid wey I be, that incident was one of the most popular things, spreading like a wild fire in the whole school, it was such an embarrassing and crazy experience, when I remember it I can't help but laugh at myself. Lolz

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GIST FOUR

PEPPERY BLOWJOB

This happened last year, I was visiting my cousin in Anambra state and he was very promiscuous. When any of his girls comes I will go to the parlour while they will be in the room. So one day a girl came and as usually they went to the room. Later my cousin called me to come and cook indomie for everyone. I went to the kitchen and made the indomie. We normally used plenty pepper to cook. After we ate the indomie. They entered the room while I continued to watch one movie like that. The next thing I heard was 'Jesus!!! Fire!!! I ran to see the fire and I saw my cousin Naked! Shouting 'am dead o' My blokos is on fire o..

As I was still trying to understand what was happening. He jumped into our drum of water. I now asked the girl what happened.

She said she was giving him a blow job o and the next thing he started screaming. (That was when I realised that she used peppery mouth to give blow job).

My cousin came out of the drum and after few minutes of relief,  his shouts increased. Because he forgot that water will make it worse. Even neighbours were already coming up but I refused to open the door for them. Finally I got red oil and gave him to rub on it.

Mehn, that day was funny! I haven't stopped teasing him with it.

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GIST FIVE

THE GOAT STORY

...When resuming for HND, I moved into one very Big compound that was fenced round, with a block of building with only 6rooms with enough bush and tree. The room I rented was beside some very funny warri/ibo guys wey dey always move around in groups anywhere and everywhere, They were much that shared that room, them reach like 8, depending on how many of them sleep house each day.

Me dey stay alone cos I get small change during I.T wey make me buy new set of electronics like TV, fridge and hamattan plus provisions dey always dey house so me and those boys dey very very close and some dey crash my room for night except my skelewu come around.

During second semester, I call one of my guy Chigozie wey dey same department with me to come stay with me till we finish exam. Him sef mingle well with my funny warri neighbors except him na aka-gum. On different occasion Chigozie don deny each of them favor multiple times. 

Skima go say Chigozie abeg gimme 50# I wan run reach campus 3, him go say I no get, Lanky or Afin go say Chigozie abeg I dey Hungry, make we reason noodles na, him go say I no get. If I no dey around and Chigozie dey, Elewon or Don fit say Chigozie ma Ochere dey show, make I reason her for Georgeay room na so hammattan go enter her kpekus, Chigozie no go burst out as understanding boyii when time reach.  

Jokingly abi na "laughingly" dem dey always tell am say dem go reason him matter but him go just dey laff cos him no code. so as God or Devil go catch am, that season some set dey graduate, so base on say their guy plenty for we area, we compound na em dem dey celebrate their Mi Lolo(Lord) paro.

My compound guys dey always enter street by night go get goat, prepare am for the celebration and keep some quota for pot wey dem go use do soup after the ceremony. 

Me dey like dey school reach when I guess them go don finish for compound so my own na to reach open the reserve pot begin put meat for mouth anyhow till I fill(not stealing) cos me na sure guy and can do anything as long as I no disrespect or impersonate. As I dey flex the meat Chigozie jam me so him begin dey flex too. Chai!!! We enter the meat badly then after we stroll out to different root. When I come back I jam dem outside dey talk with vexation amongst themselves say dem know say na that onyengbu (that's what they call jonzing person) chop that meat. They ask me and I say I chop and Gozino join me too, their head spark so when Gozino show they ask am and him say him chop and him dey laff dey ansa. Oboi!!! 

They tear am BETTER SLAP wey make am know say him don really enter one chance, with better beating join and they say him must buy the full goat. The more him dey try describe the quantity him chop the more them dey vex. After much beg and consideration from me sha, them collet 2k from am after running pillar to post to find the fund. After that lesson, him re-adjust...

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GIST SIX

MAMA BOLA

So I want to share this gist that happened last year
Mama bola has been disturbing me say her pikin wan come study for my university I promised her to try my best  o I no kuku be VC .
So finally bola entered my uni she come tell me say she out bola for my care I say OK MA I go try my best
One hot afternoon as I dey knack sleep for my room nai my phone ring 

''Ehn you this boy did I not tell you bola to see under your care''

I say who be this

She was like it's me mama bola 

She begin shout say bola dey with man say she just call am o the man dey drag phone with am bola dey cry
I was scared I called her hostel mates they said she's in class
Iya bola called again ''na ogun go kill u U don fail me''

She begin cry oooo

I come call bola twice she no pick 

Finally she picked she said ''am in class'' in a low tone I come hear her lecturer dey teach
I no know say na lecturer voice mama bola hear ooo say her pikin dey with man
Fiaaam she don enter our school from lagos to ibadan wait till bola come in the evening 

Drag bola come my house nai bola begin swear and cry
I cum dey explain to the woman say na class she dey o
The woman say ehn and the man was shouting and bola was whispering and dragging phone
Na one big aunty for my compound cone explain give iya bola o

Nai mama and pikin hug dey cry.....