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Is it possible to be married without observing due process?

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WHEN A HUSBAND REFUSES TO PAY THE BRIDE PRICE

Hi Stella,

This email is a long time coming. I have held myself back time without number from sending this in. Usually I comment as anonymous and read your blog daily. I never imagined I’d do this but my problem is beginning to eat me up! You can see by the time I am sending this email that I can’t even sleep. I need blog visitors to help me reason this out. No cussing please, because I know y’all are mouthed lol

Here goes…. Hubby and I have been married for 6 years, blessed with 2 gorgeous boys but he still has not paid my bride price and it is driving me crazy now. I know the next question would be how is that possible since we are married? The story is we live in the US, got married there by registry with our parents’ consent with the plan of coming home later that year or the next to do the white wedding and traditional wedding. Now it’s been 6 years, 2 kids no dowry paid still and I don’t even see any plan or assurance from his side of the family. I don’t even care about the white wedding but the traditional wedding is really important.

Stella, sharply he wanted me to change my surname and all documents to his name. I wanted my surname to be a compound name but he blatantly refused. Okay, so after our wedding i changed everything. I don't think some men really understand what it takes for a woman to drop everything she used to be known by to acquire a new status (i'm the modern type lol).

You know how we women are? This thing is killing me. My husband reads your blog so I hope he sees this. He needs to do the needful soon. I’m saying this because I am tired, I know I am not properly married. I feel even so bad for my parents because they have really tried to be understanding since we live in diaspora. But now I am beginning to think what sort of mess have I brought upon them? It is really embarrassing to me not to talk of their daughter who now has 2 kids for a man that hasn’t paid her bride price.

My husband is a good man in fairness to him but this is something I don’t understand right now. When we got married I actually waited for 2 years before having kids with him so that we can do the needful. Then we could travel without too much logistics but now with 2 kids under the age of 3 it is going to be really difficult travelling and twice as expensive even.

Might I add that I am married to an igbo man but I am not igbo myself. It was very hard to get his parents to accept me. So this makes me even feel worse. I communicate with my parent in-law weekly but they have never assured me or even spoken about plans to pay my bride price. My father in law once said to me that the only marriage he recognises is the traditional marriage. Is this a punishment for me marrying their son?

Financially, we are doing okay. Things could be better because we are high achievers but God has been good to us so I can’t complain. There are people in far worse situations that have paid their wife’s bride price. I always imagine the married market women and those hawking pure water i see on the streets whenever i visit Nigeria surely must have had their bride price paid. My situation is no were near that, I am highly educated and brought up to very high standards. I just feel so ashamed in the mist of my friends knowing that my bride price has still not been paid. I have been the most understanding wife as regards this. Earlier in the marriage I used to bring it up and he would get really upset telling me that he has to save for it, other times he would assure me.

 I left it for a few years in order not to pressurize him but it is even worse because I don’t even hear of a plan. Stella, I am not an igbo girl so my bride price where I am from is not expensive at all. I have even assured him that I prefer it low keyed. 

Please blog visitors what do I do? I am not a happy woman right now. Each time I remember this issue it spoils my whole day. If I am not happy how does he expect me to make him happy? I look at my kids and feel even worse knowing that their dad hasn’t done his traditional rites. 

When I am washing, cooking and cleaning in the house I feel so sad because this man has not put the respect on me yet. I am not the expensive type, I work hard to contribute to my home front, so what is the problem? Please if there are any BV experiencing this please share and advice me on how to go about this issue.

Thanks.