Sunday In House Gists.

Saturday gists spreads into Sunday when the gists are more than five....

Only one winner can emerge from both posts though....
Please go through Saturday's gists HERE again and then read today's own and suggest a winner.

GIST SIX

MUMU CRASE

SDK and all the bvs in the house, I scatter hailing for everybody this ogbonge Sunday.
This gist na wetin happen for my former neighborhood many years ago, na im I say make I nack una today.
He get one guy for my area ( make I call the guy AY here), the guy na mumu but as them leave am de waka about, them no do anything to help him condition, he com turn to craze. He de waka about de look for trouble and the guy get degree for yabbing. Any guy wey he see, he go call the guy hama robber (armed robber). This guy na the first of 10 children, he get seven brothers and two sisters. 

At that time one of his brothers na seminarian, the guy come weekend with two of his friends, and that Saturday na environmental sanitation. Una know how environmental sanitation dey tight in those days, wey e be say if you come out from your house com piss for outside, police go arrest you say them catch you de waka for road? na so e be that time. 

So that Saturday morning, two of the guy brothers and the two sisters de outside de wash clothes, while the remaining brothers plus the two friends de inside house de gist. Na so this guy carry himself comot, he reach road, he get some police men wey use van de  try catch some guys wey them see de waka that sanitation morning, but the guys escape. The police men de disappointed, na im this guy waka go meet them say; police,  na hama robber una de find? Make una come, I know where them de. Na so the mumu policemen follow this guy o, like play like play the guy carry them come their house, point the brothers wey de wash clothes for outside, say; see the hama robber here, catch them. Na im  the policemen tell the guys say them de under arrest, the guys come de shout; officer wetin we do now? The police say; keep quiet! Wey you reach station you go know wetin you do. 

Meanwhile, the other brothers inside house don hear everything wey de happen, so them just perch inside house de listen. Na so police carry them wan go, Ay tell them say; police, una de go? Hama robber never finish o, some de inside house. Na im police go back, open the curtain, see the guys for where them perch. Na them say; oya everybody out! Na there the guy papa begin shout; Ay don kill me o! Na the shout even make all of us come out come see wetin de happen. As police wan move, na Ay say; police una de go? Make una carry me na, I wan follow una. Na so police take arrest the ten guys( including Ay) carry  go station. 

As their papa reach station, police say na 25k each, them come begin beg, police say lie lie. Na so the guys take  stay there reach on Monday.
On Monday morning, after much begging, them com gree 15k each. Na im  the papa rally round look for money , he come back to station say na money for nine people him get, say make them allow am bail those ones first, say after he go come back for the AY guy. Police say lie lie, say na Ay you go first bail, leave any other one, later come bail that one( the papa intention na to leave Ay there to suffer). 

The papa come go look for money again take bail all of them at once.
Na that day wey them come out na im I know say all these things wey cele people de do na wash, say beat no de cure craze, because as them reach house eh, na so all the brothers pounce on this guy de panel beat am, them give am better mass beating that day, the guy come de shout ; hama robber don kill me o! We de for house laugh tire. And upon all that beat, the guy still de kolo.
Na my tori be that o, na me again... ICE

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GIST SEVEN

CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

 It was in the late 90s. I was still a little girl living with my mum and sister in Lagos. My dad relocated to Port Harcourt to take up a new appointment. My mum usually shuttled between Lagos and Port Harcourt to be with her husband. Each time she embarked on such trips,she would leave us in the hands of our Headmistress,Madam Pepertual, since we(my sister and I) were underaged to look after each other, talk less of living alone.

 It was time for one of those trips,and my Mum had no choice but to dump us in Madam Pepertual's house.
 Madam Pepertual was married to a Pastor, and they had a newly born son,Praise. Madam Pepertual,a down to earth woman was in her late thirties then. She was a disciplinarian to the marrow. Even as her pupils,we feared her. She had this huge build like a sumo wrestler, large eyeballs that could pierce even the walls of Jericho with her stern gaze. Her palms? Tower of Babel. So large and swollen that if it landed on the face of a child or a grown man,there would be an automatic shift in the course of his destiny. Seeing her was fades on sight.

 Madam Pepertual was infact a no-nonsense woman. The word of God instructed that parents shouldn't spare the rod. Madam pepertual even at gunpoint couldn't disobey that scripture. And each time she exercised it, it was never with love. Now this is the woman my mother apparently left us with for weeks while she enjoyed her husband's company. On a certain day,I was babysitting her little son while she was in the kitchen preparing lunch. She called me from where I was to help get some seasoning cubes from down the road. Unknown to her,the ones she had were finished. So she gave me some money and off I went. I was expected to be back in at most five minutes because the kiosk where it was sold was a short distance from her house.

 Madam P lived in this really big house with a large compound,and they had a dog that could chase anyone at the slightest provocation. I disliked dogs(and still do). Leaving and entering that compound posed a threat because of her DOG.I had told her countlessly to always walk me to the gate each time she sent me on those errands but she wouldn't oblige.

 I was blessed enough to leave safely because the DOG wasn't 'on sit'.Relieved, I ran down the road, got the cubes and ran back to the gate.
 Usually, when I got to the gate,I would wait for few seconds to hear any movement, peep through the little opening on the gate to ascertain if the dog was roaming endlessly looking for whom to devour. If it were in the affirmative,I would wait patiently for a long time for the dog to return to her cage or wait for the gateman to return from wherever he prefers to his duty post.

 On that fateful day, I did my routine check and the compound was just quiet. So I slowly opened the gate and stepped my first foot in. I did a rough, sharp survey with my eyes, still no dog nearby. I slid the second foot in feeling elated. Tip-toe on my mind. I had not given up to 15 steps to earth when a heard the DOG bark at me. My heart skipped. My knees went numb as I saw the dog groaning aggressively at me. I made to move but couldn't. The Dog was gazing waiting for me to make the first move but my numb knees wouldn't let me.I was feeble. I don't know what came over me, and I regained my strength. I started running. I ran as fast as my short legs could carry me to my aunts house which was at the end of the compound. All I could hear from my mouth was,'Jesus! Mummy! God!'. I was just recycling the names while the dog chased till I entered and bolted the living room door.

 I was panting heavily. I ran to the kitchen with a nylon bag containing the seasoning cubes. As I entered the kitchen,I lifted up the nylon bag to hand to Madam pepertual when I heard a thunderous smack across my face. The way my knees went numb,my face felt same. I just couldn't feel it. It felt like it was floating. Immediately, rain started falling in the kitchen alone. Seven stars with the seven rainbow colours surrounded the rain. My vision was blurred. Madam perpetual used those german machine gun hands on my face. No wonder I felt my face floating in the rain.
 When I regained consciousness,I heard her asking why I exceeded the five minutes limit given, how she was supposed to add seasoning cubes to an already 'over-boiled' soup,and so on. She just kept ranting while hot tears burnt my eyes down to my cheek that was hurting. My sister was in the living room when all these happened. She dare not come sympathising with me in Madam Pepertual's presence else she would receive her own dosage.

 I left the kitchen to the living room when I was sure the invisible rain had subsided and cried my face out.
 When my mum returned,madam pepertual was all smiles like nothing happened. I quickly got my bag ready and left. When we got home,i couldn't open my mouth to narrate my ordeal with Madam P to my mum.I felt if I did, Madam P would come to me at night,in my dream and give me a second part to that encounter.
 But the next time my mum wanted to embark on another trip,she was shocked I packed my bags even before she did, ready to leave with her not minding if I missed going to school.

 Nazizy...

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GIST EIGHT

THE POMO THIEF.

This happened during my NYSC last year. I served in a secondary school
as an office assistant to the Vice Principal, a greedy rich woman.
Everyday, she usually left the office and returned with different bags
of Mr Biggs containing rice, chicken, meatpie and those nice smelling
junk. 

This woman will be eating from her desk and I will be the one
swallowing from my desk beside her. 

She never for once said 'Corper,come collect this half meatpie before hunger kill you' and believe me,my NYSC days were rough. Before N19800 allawe enters every month, I'm already owing my colleagues debt amounting to N15000 cos there was usually one 5K problem to settle at home every other week and I also
had to send money to my siblings.

A few weeks before POP, after soaking garri for breakfast, I went to
office and during lunch, this woman returned from the market with
peppersoup and began tormenting me. Then she brought out up to 2O
pieces of thick pomo and spread it on the vacant desk so it won't
spoil by the time she's ready to go home. The only thing in my house
was one N30 gino tomatoes and so I was already imagining cooking stew
with my boss' pomo so I can use the stew to chop eba with the garri at
home. 

When my boss stepped to the verandah to wash her hands, I rushed
to desk, grabbed 3 pieces of pomo and put inside my purse. I never
carried a handbag to school cos I practically had no job and my lodge
was opposite the school. Unfortunately, I was needed in the principal
office and when I returned, I found my purse on my boss table with the
3 pieces of pomo beside it. I went numb.

 She said she wanted to use my white powder on her palms and found her pomo inside my purse. That's how I told her that I was about taking permission from her before I was called that I needed the pomo as samples because I planned on going to the market after school to buy stuff for soup. She just eyed
me and told me to leave. I carried my purse and left her pomo for her.

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GIST NINE

MESERE

The first time i was in calabar many years ago, i always used to go to

a particular shop every morning to smoke. Whenever i light my

cigarette, a certain man will walk in and say mesere. I will pass my

already burning ciggy to him cos mesere in Igbo means make i smoke

small, funny enough, this man will not return my cigar. So one morning

he said mesere and i said mba. People now started laughing and

explained that mesere means good morning in calabar!