Saturday In House Gists.

Saturday in house gists cracks me up,Dunno bout you!

AMEBO NUMBER ONE

DISGRACED BY SLEEP

This gist happened last Sunday when I went to mass for one out-station under arc angels parish satellite town! Last weekend was our bi-monthly camping program, the program ended at about 5:30 am, I went from there straight say make I go mass so that once I reach house na to baff and sleep,I never sleep for two nights,na him this sleep come dey worry me inside church eh and I was trying my best not sleep but not possible. 

During homily i just heard stand up not a complete sentence though, I quickly stood up in the church with sleepy eyes not knowing what Rev. father was saying. Everyone in the church was looking at me even Fr sef was dumbfounded. As a sharp guy I know say I don fall hand but I can't just sit down like that, father asked me if I want to go to hell fire, I said no, that time the stupid sleep don vanish, he asked why then do u stand up? I answered him and my voice wasn't loud enough so he told an alter boy to bring microphone to where I was standing so he can hear me.

found this pic in Saturday laughs and it fit in here.

 He then explained to me that he was narrating the belief the disciples have in Jesus when they were facing the storm, that they were following him because he is the way to heaven,according to the gospel reading of the day bla bla bla...and asked is there anyone here that don't want to make heaven the person should stand up.

 I waited for him calmly to finish then I answered him that am on the same side with him, he said how?I told him that i see that he is standing that's  why I stood up that I am a good follower! Come see laffter inside church. Fr no talk again about the matter. The mass continued, during consecration, everybody stand up including me, na him this same sleep come finally disgrace me, as I stand up sleep carry me I don't know when them kneel down, I was still standing. 

Choi! As I get myself come open my eyes na him I just grab my bible and my bulletin dismiss my self from church even as I know say it's wrong to move during consecration but enough of this disgrace abeg! I know say if I dey there Fr finish the consecration, him go finish me with mouth. Till I come ur way next time.

Krix via up or 6 gold.

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AMEBO NUMBER TWO

LAW SCHOOL S*X

It’s against the law school rules to smoke or have sex in the hostel. If you are caught you will be suspended. In fact males are prohibited from going inside female rooms, the same rules applies to females.

On this fateful day, we were in the lecture hall, when a female law student went to his boy friend’s room in the male hostel and they had sex. One of the porters caught them and reported them to the school authorities and they were suspended.

I wondered why people engaged in unprotected sex, my roommate was dating a law student, the guy impregnated her, She told the guy and the guy dumped her and started dating another law student. My roommate was furious and broke the guy’s windscreen. The guy reported her to the police station inside the law school, she told the police that the guy impregnated her and dumped her and that was the reasons she broke the windscreen. I confronted the guy; he said he was tired of fucking my roommate, that she should look for someone else to fuck her. We thought the case was over, few weeks before almighty bar finals, they were suspended.

I usually studied in one of the seminar room, when the library closed, one day, as I was leaving the seminar room around 11pm, I saw a guy and a lady in one of the seminar rooms pretended to be studying, I said to myself, this sitting position is unhealthy. The following day, I went to the seminar room to study as usual, the security guy told me, that we are no longer allowed to use the seminar room, because they caught students last night in one of the rooms having sex.

I went somewhere else to study, as I was going back to the hostel around 11:30pm; there was a security guy that was walking behind me, as I approached the parking lot, I noticed that one of the cars in the parking lot was shaking, I and the security guy went to where the shaking car was parked, we saw a guy and a lady having sex in the car, The security man wanted to report them and they pleaded with the security, he agreed not to report them on the condition that they give him Twenty thousand naira, the guy did not have any money, the lady withdrew money from the ATM and gave it to the security.

My flat mate went clubbing and came back drunk, as she was trying to pack her car in the parking lot; she lost control and bashed three cars including her own. The following day, her mum came and they took the cars to the mechanics, they spent almost two hundred and fifty thousand naira to fix the four cars. She told me that the drinks she had, wasn’t up to five thousand naira .BLAME IT ON WHO.

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AMEBO NUMBER THREE

HOLY WATER DRAMA

My friend back in the university once sneaked in a girl into his room

to spend the night. After dinner, the family gathered to say night

prayers as per tradition and the mum decided to sprinkle Fr Edeh's

holy water round the house while everyone was in the sitting room. As

mama spray enter kitchen na im the guy go off light for room so mama

go just open door, spray comot without seeing inside the room. 

All these while babe wey dey inside room don sleep. As mama sing praises

near guy man room, she open door spray inside come feel say e no do,

come enter further into the room go spray near bed, na im something

wey wear black move body on top bed as water touch am mama scream take

off.... You can imagine the rest!

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AMEBO NUMBER FOUR

CONVERSATION WITH A MAD WOMAN

The following incident happened close to 20 years ago. As a little girl I was very religious. Any week day that we had evening fellowship in church, I would dust my little bible, tie my head tie and trek 20-25 minutes to our church on Ajamimogha road Warri. This fateful evening as I walking on the World of Life Bible church side (so I would cross the road at the front to my church which was just opposite) I noticed two persons across the road were gesticulating to me and saying "small girl cross now. Small girl cross oh" 

I did not make sense of what they were saying or I just plain ignored them. I dont know which but two seconds later I understood my folly in not crossing the road then. A girl was on a bike just turning into the World of Life church and this big mad woman grabbed at her but the girl bent her body one kind one kind to miss the mad woman's hand as her bike rode to safety inside the church.

Lo and behold I was face to face with the mad woman and she blocked me and said: "Small girl where you dey go?"

In a split second the following thoughts ran through my mind: Madness is not of God so therefore its of the devil. This means I cant tell her I am going to church since she is devils child. I have to tell her something sinful. 

 So I quickly answered: "I am going to meet boy."

The mad woman screamed "Spoilt pikin. Bad pikin. Com on enter church" and attempted to hit me. 

Whether I catapulted or I somersaulted across the road I dont remember but in less than 5 seconds I am pretty certain I was inside my church. The deaf does not wait to be told there is danger oh . I neither looked left nor right as I flew across the road. I kept mumbling to myself throughout the service "God forbid bad thing.  Jesus Christ forgive me. I am not a bad child. " 

After that day I learnt to sit at home unless my mum or siblings were going for fellowship.

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AMEBO NUMBER FIVE

CHASED BY A MAD MAN

My fellow BV make una chop kisses.
Well this gist happened years ago before I gained admission into the university.
I used to work as a model/usher for one advertising company in Maryland towards the GRA side.so as to keep body and soul and keep my self busy while i dey wait for admission. 

Jamb jam, me no be small, but that nah story for another day.
So one day like this, we were asked to come for casting.
I dressed well... feeling fly.with my lady koi koi shoe.
I dey get cat and dog calls as I pass,dey swing my thin waist.

For my mind  I be Oluchi. Dem no born the person wey no go pick me for this job(I bind and Cast).
I dey fast join sef... unto say my belle must flat wella.
if them no take me for this job ehen...
As I alighted from the bus at Maryland bus stop(where there is M)r Biggs and Mobil filling station)
I decided to trek to the place as I still get time.
(I no know say nah there devil wan take fall my hand)
As I took the turn on my right after Mr Biggs, that is how I sighted one mad man or a drunk I don't even know which category he falls under.

E be like say him madness just start cos he still clean small.
As he was coming towards my direction,I jejely went to the opposite direction

( for my mind I say bad market dey go)
Lo and behold the mad man crossed to the other side too.

I say for my mind may be nah coincidence , so I crossed back...
He crossed too
ye pka!!! Mo gbe...
I just bent down picked my heeled shoe and ran like madt. He was still chasing me oh..
When I got to the turn I quickly ran into the Mr Biggs eatery... you know it has glass all through,so ppl were wondering what was chasing me. I just kept a straight face and sat stylishly hiding my face.

Then I saw the mad man looking for me outside... He didn't know where I entered... Every one was now laffing at me and asking why was I running from him that he won't do any thing to me...
I just use that Stella side eyes look them... so I for wait to find out wetin he go do abi...
Mad man Don slap my sister for road becos she no acknowledge say nah mad man she come dey share road wit am.
My people nah my story be that oh...
I no dey use eye see mad man.

Nah one handsome bobo come offer to drop me off so that the man no go re-appear catch me for road...hehehe
I just manage shake small waist as I dey leave the eatery. Who know if the mad man reappear,my good samaritan fit turn hussein bolt leave me ....kikiki
Hmmmnn my sister nah so I waka o
I hope say I no waste una tym...

#TIMELESS#

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AMEBO NUMBER SIX

SHOWER HEAD WAHALA

I have a friend(bff) whom we talk to each other about almost everything.  I recall when I forwarded a link to this blog to her to read about the 'shower head orgasm' when it was discussed here last year or so. She asked if I've done it before and I said no(personally I feel its a kind of masturbation so I never wanna try it).

  So this year precisely today, I just got back from work and used the small strength to make fisherman soup that I've been craving for more than a week. I downloaded two wraps of fufu on the bare floor(this one no be dinning table matter again o jare, managed to shift the plates aside and off I fell on the floor like python wey just swallow human being and unable to move). God knows I've battled to sleep for like 30mins when my fone rang. Two times I refused to look at it so I won't be forced to answer but a third one, gosh I had to pickup angrily. When I saw who the caller was(my bff) I cool down small.

Bff: (crying seriously) I'm finished ooo,if I knew I wouldn't have even tried it. I feel like dying, my head is spinning, I want to die...cry continues. 

Me: (already panicking) Jesus, babe calm down what is it? By this time sleep has disappeared fiam. What happened, where is bros?(her husband).
Before she could answer, call dropped and from the way it dropped I sensed she had ran out of airtime so I tried calling her back but I realised my airtime too was out, I quickly dialled to borrow from mtn.

 All this while I'had started kabashing in my heart binding every satanic attack on her pregnancy. She's pregnant(about 6weeks; so the husband believes that if he makes love to her at this early stage something might happen to the baby. Yes he's that kind of person).
She has complained how the hubby is not helping her atall and that she gets horny too often now. I told her to be patient.
Recharge successful I called her back. 

Me: Hello babe, talk to me. Are you ok, are you in the hospital?

Bff: No (still crying)

Me: What's wrong na?

Bff: You remember the shower head link you forwarded to me?

Me:Yes(still panicking)

Bff: Ehen...I got so horny today I decided to try it. I was almost in cloud 9 when immediately the water current slowed down and before I knew what was happening it had stopped completely. 

Me: (a sigh of relief, switching to pidgin asap) So na becos of orgasm you wake me up from sleep wey I dey try sleep since? 

Bff: (now sniffing) How do you mean? So you don't even pity me.

Me: Mtchewwww, pity you for wetin? I send you message?

Bff: No vex abeg, I thought you were my friend.

Me: I no vex and I'm your friend. So now that you know orgasm is expensive, next time buy enough fuel and pump water full tank before you part your legs for shower head. Bye.

She called me back after some hours and we just laughed over it. I sha told her to send me my airtime.
#showerheadwahala

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AMEBO NUMBER SEVEN

FREAK LODGE MATE

Hi Stella and blog visitors. This thing happen when i dey school and

any time i remember ehn i go just laugh. E get one of my lodge mates

where no dey relate with anyone at all but he only greets. He doesn't

talk to any one and no one talks  to him.

 Infact,he doesn't have friends. on this day at about 2 am in the morning,the other guy next to him was hearing sound like that of someone that is about to diecoming from his room. 

The guy tried to endure it but when he couldn't,he went to knock on his door but no response and the sound even became louder that we all came out of our rooms and started knocking on his door but still no response. So some guys had to force the door open. And behold,there he laid sweating and his mouth foaming profusely. 

We called his name but he couldn't utter a word. His eyes

were closed and he couldn't move. I became afraid and started

shivering with my heart beating faster. We checked his phone contacts

but couldn't find any name like daddy,mummy aunty e.t.c . Some guys

had to off his shirt and started fanning him while the others went to

call the landlord and his son to take him to the hospital. Immediately

the care arrived,they laid him at the back seat. They were about

shutting the door and suddenly,this guy jumped out of the car and

before you could say jack ehn every body don pick race including

landlord where leg dey pain.

 As we were running,we heard him saying"where una won carry me go? Wetin i tell una say e dey do me? Wetin be una own sef? Oya make una come back here. The guy come dey pursue us oo. I ran into another person's room and we locked the door immediately. I was frightened and found it funny at the same time. Nobody could ask him to quit the lodge not even the landlord himself .

But he later changed his lodge the second year. Since then,whenever we

see him coming, we run like mad. 

Hope i did north west ya time. 

From UB

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AMEBO NUMBER EIGHT

INSTANT ANSWER TO PRAYER REQUEST

Don't know if I should call it Amebo,lesson or advice But this is what went down yesterday..its rain heavily yesterday (Benin people who na go sabi Benin rain na)was really late for class so i gave God a prayer asking for a giveaway ride but made a bad prayer,told him to provide a helper(even if na Animal drive am i go enter) before i knew it one big car was approaching (was using side eye like Stella to observe ooo)

You need to see the way i shined my teeth when he said he was going towards my school (close up advert dey learn) When ienter noticed he was an Engineer (mechanic)the music was so loud that i had to beg him to reduce it,not quiet long told me hewant to get something...I said no wahala provided u carry me reach where I dey go.

He got back holding Alemo bitters... For my mind i say enter car make we go... na dis one you go buy, come give am side eye.Immediately he start d car na so i jump up from sit I quickly use sit belt come hold dat tin for front (no know the name)
  As we reach main road na so the guy they speed,come dey wonder if na Michael shoemaker dey drive.... as he dey go na so i dey jerk follow am,people go dey think say i dey dance..come dey sorry for myself,the owner of the car and the car itself.(So naso bros T dey drive my papa car)

Awoof dey purge ooo...

Was already looking for excuse to get down but the speed didn't allow me think well...instead of God to answer Satan answered my prayer... The. Big one came when he almost ran into school children and didn't know when i shout "Iye oooo" 

The guy was even laughing at me...... 

(I put my university English for bag come dey yan pidgin dey shout) 

Then i realize its was an animal that came as i prayed for...quickly bring out my umbrella told him to stop  don't even know if i  said thank you to him.
 Car owners......have much do you know your mechanic?people mind the kind of prayer you pray ooo before your enemies answer it for you.
Greetings ooo...i  no sabi too much.

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