Saturday In House Gists.

The gists don land and i find number six so so hilarious.

AMEBO NUMBER ONE

SOUTH AFRICAN BROUHAHA.

Uhm Stellastical Stella,i troway salute o.my fellow bvites how una dey

Uhm,this tory wey I wan gist una don tey wey he happen.na one of my big bro travelling dey hungry,na im him come decide say make him go south Africa,since that one no go chop plenty money,at least travelling na travelling ‎.na so him mama come go one of this aladura church, say make dem do prayer for him son wey wan travel.

Na so dem pray, come tell am say the son get plenty enemy, na so dem carry holy salt give am say make she give him son,make the son go drop am for T- junction .Uhm,na so the following morning bros dress,come enter molue,they go one T- junction, him no know say the polythene bag wey him put the salt don marry one sharp iron for inside bus,as he wan drop na so the salt just full ground,he say him wan dey cry but he hold am,go house scope him mama say he don do am,but as God go have dem still give am visa,omo see groove.na so bros go book him ticket for one Saturday.

uhm Saturday nack,na so bros dress by seven he wan dey go, na so him neighbour ask am where him dey go,shey im no know say‎ today na environmental, shai na so bros wan faint.he come go re-schedule him flight,come put am for week day,as the day come, bros don dey airport like 5hrs before take off time,na so him come buy paper make him dey take while away the time, my fellow bvites,by the time him look him time,na 45mins past take off time,he come vex go meet the agbero abi na conductor,as I never go airport, I no know wetin dem dey call dem,na in den tell am say the plane wey don dey announce since,say plane don go,unless him fit carry bike pursue am o.

maybe he fit meet am if passengers wan buy gala for road.

Na so bros come know say for real some people dey follow am,come begun serious prayer,now bros is doing well in the states.

Make una follow me shout hallelujah o.....

But him no dey remember his family again, hence the struggle for amebo 5k,lol

Make I continue dey dig again

Till next time. I remain special bv nene

.............................................................................................................

AMEBO NUMBER TWO

CHEATING DURING EXAMS AND PRAYERS

Hi Stella,

Your blog is the sweetest, it has all the ingredients. Keep it up.

We called one of my room-mates bullet because she usually goes to the exam hall with text book or handout. I encouraged her to study, she said she can’t concentrate that the only thing she can do is either she copied from her friends or she go to the exam hall with text book or handout.

On this fateful day, she tore part of her text book and took it to the exam hall, she put it inside her answer sheet and she copied from it, at the end she forgot to remove it and submitted it together with the answer sheet. 

By the time she found out, it was too late. She was restless and didn’t know what to do. At last she decided to meet the lecturer. She told the lecturer that her parents are lawyers, and they wanted her to study law, that she had always wanted to study fine Art, that with fine Art, she don’t have to struggle or cheat to pass the exam. At end of the day, she was asked to go department of fine Art or she will be expelled. At last, she graduated with Second class upper from Department of Fine Art.

When we were writing Almighty Bar finals, another friend would tie a white handkerchief in her right hand before writing, but I noticed that she was struggling with the questions. So later I asked her why she tied white handkerchief in her right hand when writing exams, she said her pastor blessed it and gave it to her and told her to tie it in her right hand before writing. That even if she writes rubbish, the examiner will favor her. She said she had been depositing money in the pastor’s account for nine months, (sowing of seed) so that the pastor will be praying for her. 

I told her that hard work is the key to success; she said that her pastor’s prayers never fail. I wished her luck. When the result was published, my friend failed and she confronted the pastor, the pastor said that God did not answer his prayers because my friend was not a virgin. He knew my friend was not a virgin and he was collecting money from her every month and promised her success no matter what. My friend had learned her lesson. Hard work is the key to success.

.............................................................................................................

AMEBO NUMBER THREE
PANT PALAVA

Hello mummy kork, how bori and family. Stella you be correct person o na people like you we need for Naija government, begin to dey think of how you go be president.

I just want to advice ladies to check body properly before setting out o. I be married woman with kids and i won assist oga too cos na God dey help DH carry the load since. I get interview for one company o, i asked my son to iron the trouser and suit, see prayer, ''Lord i am due for my miracle job....''. 

Thank God i got there on time, i sat at the reception dey observe everything, i con dey read one book as den no answer us on time, i just noticed the receptionist dey waka up and down, she smiled and asked me to follow her, i stood up immediately with my miss koikoi shoe,she just held my hands and said ''take this pin, thats the ladies (pointing to toilet) your trouser needs to be pinned under''

I just stand like iroko tree and asked '' You said?'' she repeated it.

 Stella my head do gbagaunnnnnnnn, flash back to when i took okada, yeeeeeeeee all this okada men don see my pata,two guys sat in front of me in the reception but  i didnt feel any ategun (breeze)down there now,ye Oluwa oooooo,i won cry,my moral low immediately.

I use my hand check, this is so embarrassing. I quickly pin my sokoto went to her with a smile of thanks,( how did she see it sef.)

She later asked how i will cope with two kids and working in Lekki, 

yeeeeee, they did not tell me o.

 she said ''you are taking my job and i am married with kids too....''

 Ha, after waking up early, pant palava now lekki. I sha enter interview room, it was great, i was so happy with myself but i couldnt get the job cos of distance and 55k salary, Egbeda far abeg.

I went home disappointed.

.............................................................................................................

AMEBO NUMBER FOUR

EARLY MORNING KNOCK

‎Aunty Stella i dey hail oh*wink*

 Abeg dis gist happen today around 2:12am to be precise. Weda na Amebo i go call dis one sef i nor know. Make i yarn the gist oh. 

After my exams for school, niam my sister say make i com visit her for Ph oh,and her husband na airforce officer. So na inside base we dey oh. As a warri woman when like huzzling na, she dey do mobile biz, her car pass shop plus showcase when dey front of their flat. 

She dey sell Cosmetics, baby tins like pampers, cream,sandals, infact the tins dem plenty. Dem dey even call her madam variety sef for the base. Lol* So na,i dey sleep oh when person begin knock door, i com think say her husband don return 4 duty. i check time, na after 2 for early mormor oh.. Shuoo..

I nor too fear cos i knw the kind security when dey the vicinity. I com go wake my sista say person dey knock oh,she com wake go check dat small tin wen dey dey door, she com say ah Oga na you, the man say yes oh, she com open door, the man com say ''abeg my wife dey labor oh,i need some baby tins''

 he com carry that hospital list com give my sista oh, me dey spy from inside,he say abeg give me dos tins,dem say without dem,dem nor go attend to my wife. I com shock. 

Na so she begin arrange the tins oh..the man com dey call he wife say 

''baby were are you ? still outside abi inside the labor ward?''

 He say ehnn were  the perfume dey.Lol*i wonder Wetin dem 1 use perf do wen dem neva see baby tins. As if say that 1 nor reach,he say he dey drive go he wife friend place say he wife borrow her friend flask say so he dey drive to go collect the flask to put hot water.

 Tank God say i boil water put 4 our flask for night cos of our twins. Even to wrapper she nor carry. Hmmmmmmmm* my dear Aunty Stella, the question na be say,wetin make women nor dey arrange their hospital bag down before time? And who is to be blame? Na the man abi the woman? Cos we are talking about 9months here oh and dis man na senior officer oh and dis is not their 1st child. ‎ Just wondering cos have seen so many cases like dis when i was doing my IT. My people una doh oooooo

*From Sdk Virgin 

.............................................................................................................

AMEBO NUMBER FIVE

DEAD BODY WHEN NEVER DIE

Good day Stella. I decided to drop another gist since you said the last one I sent didn't make you laugh. BVs, how Una dey?

Three days ago, an NUC accreditation team came to my school for review of the provisional accreditation given to Anatomy dept in my school. When they finished inspecting the amenities the school provided for the department, they entered one of the  classroom for ‎interaction with the students of the department. 

They were  asked how many female cadavers they had in their dissection laboratory. For clarity sake, Cadavers are dead human beings dissected during anatomy practical classes. 

One of the students raised his hand to answer the question. BVS you won't believe what a supposed anatomy student who had gone for dissection classes said. He said and I quote

 "Sir, we use to have 4 female cadavers but one is DEAD now, we are left with three". 

The whole class including the accreditation team burst into laughter. I pray they don't lose the provisional accreditation they already have because that "gbagaun" alone is enough for the dept to be shut down.

SDK Medic ( Dr Q)

.............................................................................................................

AMEBO NUMBER SIX

THE ''MESS''

Stella and all the ogbonge bvs, na two hand and two leg I take hail
una o.  

Na wetin happen for my prescience days, the time wey we still
de hustle admission na im I say make I nack una the tori o.

So as e be say exam don near and na only one quarter of the number of
students them de offer admission, everybody begin do fire brigade
Reading, make e be say we don do our part comot. so most of us de go
class for night de go read till dawn (night class).

Na so one day I de go night class, nearly to reach school shit come
begin catch me, I say lie lie say I no de go back, becos b4 I go come
back day go dark me, and to waka for that place for night na big risk.

School toilet no even be option becos the toilet na apology. as e be
say the shit never de catch me well well I kuku say make I bear am
till morning.
na Im i come go one class go read, the class big with better shiny
bulbs, becos of the light people full the class, I com go siddon for
center of class, two other people de my seat, na me dey their center.
the seat wey de my front about four people de there while about three
de the seat wey de my back.  

As I begin read, mess come begin catch me and I de against messing in public, whether silent or loud mess. as the mess come I just tight my nyash, push the mess enter belle, after about five minutes the mess go come again, I go push am enter. After some time I say make I go mess for outside, as I reach outside the mess vanish, If I siddon e go come back, if I go outside again e go
vanish. 

I just talk for my mind say this mess never serious, I just
ignore am de read my book.  After I don read for about 3hrs I say make
I sleep small. my people na so I begin dream, for the dream I de gist
with my mama sister, small time I tell her say I wan go corner go
mess, she say OK. 

I just go corner, mess one loud mess poooooooo! na so I just feel instant relief for my belle, I say wow . i mess another one boooooom kpakata boooooooom, I just de release the thing like bomb, as I de mess na so my Belle de free. after I don mess like six times, I come de wake up, e come be like say I hear the last mess for real life. 

I talk for my mind say shay no be mess wey I mess for dream nai sound come out for life so? I say make I open my eyes first, I just open one eye slightly, the boy wey siddon for my front de look me, cover him nose de laff. as my eye jam him own I just quickly use my wrapper cover my face. by then na only the boy siddon for the seat,the seat partners don get up. I say, the devil is liar, this mess no go fall my hand. I look my own seat sideways, my partners don get up.

I say ha, shebi all these mess wey I de mess for dream no be for this
class I de mess am? still lying down, I just turn face back, view the
seat wey de my back, no body de there, I ask myself say na my mess
pursue all these people like this?  na that time I come notice say
humming and laughter de go on for the class.

I say hmm I no go get up from this place today becos I know say all of
them de wait to see the face behind the mess, but i need to continue
my reading.
After some time, from where I lie down, I just stretch my hand for the
desk collect my book put for bag, arrange myself properly, get up with
full force, raise my shoulder high, catwalk comot for class. As I de
go the humming start again, I just waka without looking sideways .

 As I reach outside I just go look for one class wey light no de, use my
rechargeable lantern continue my reading. Till I finish pre-science, I
no branch that class go read again.
Na my tori be that o...till  

we meet again... na me ....ice