Saturday In House Gists.

Six gists all for you to decide which one is the funniest...I choose number...

AMEBO NUMBER ONE
CHURCH GOERS CAUGHT IN SEX WEB

How are you doing? Your blog is the best. Please don’t stop the Music .I was a member of one of the Pentecostal churches. The pastor of the church is a single young man and the assistant pastor is a widow with two children. The pastor is a prophet and the assistant pastor a prophetess. This woman advises me and told me not to have sex before marriage. I used to swap inspirational books with her. I was about to go back to school, so I decided to return the books I borrowed from her.

When I got to her house, I knocked, there was no response, so I went to the sitting room and opened the door without knocking, I saw the pastor and the assistant pastor kissing. I was shocked, and I left immediately.

I went back to school, if you are in my room, you don’t need alarm clock, because immediately its one of my roommates will wake up and start speaking in tongues. She was the one that invited me to her fellowship. I attended and became a member. There is a guy from the fellowship that usually visits my roommate. Any time he comes my roommate will make sure he eats before leaving.  My roommate preached against wearing of miniskirts and trousers. My roommate is our hall pastor and the guy that visits her is a prayer warrior.

One day I went to the fellowship and before the grace, my roommate’s friend stood up, he said he had a confession to make. He said he had been having sex with sister A (my roommate), that he wants us to forgive him, another sister stood up, she said, she had been having sex with his cousin, as if these weren’t enough, the prayer secretary stood up and said, that he has been masturbating for years. The president said, if you know that you have been masturbating and fornicating come out, almost every one came out, only very few were sitting down and we prayed for them.

My roommate was absent when her boyfriend confessed; when I got to the room, I saw her crying because one of the members told her what happened. That was the end of speaking in tongues at 5am.

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AMEBO NUMBER TWO

FORCEFUL PROPHECY FROM VIRGIN.

Hello Stella and fellow bvs, how una dey? Stella you neva talk wetin you dey use o. Upon say you offend me as you no post dat my amebo of last week, i still like you, i dey visit ur blog wen i just free small. Abi dat actress don introduce you sef to dat her babalawo? The man fit dey send soap and other tins to you through courier and send incantations through email and text msgs lols.

 Na joke oo(in Basket mouth's voice). 
This gist na wen i dey like 14 yrs old in the nineties na him he happen. All of us for our house been dey attend 1 church like dat, na old church, yoruba peeps like am well and the middle name na 'A' start am. 

Dem dey talk prophesy for dis church every Sunday, so dem dey do special prayers so dat every baptized member go begin speak in tongue, dem go separate all the members wey no speak in tongue put dem for 1 corner com begin fire dem with prayers. Everytime na so dem go put me join some new members as i no gree speak in tongue, even my mother dey speak. This thing dey embarrass me, he com like say i be devil pikin.

 I com determine to speak in tongue by all means. 
As them dey pray for us one day like dat na him i begin talk nonsense, the language wan resemble prophesy language. Na so dem free me. After the prayers na him dem com say anybody wey hear from God make him talk o. So as we come dey pray after the sermon na him i begin prophesy o. 

He been get one deacon wey like beans well well among the deacons and me i know because him pikin tell me. I com talk say ''Thus says the Lord'', dem com run carry Bible put for my hand, ''he get one deacon for here, he like beans too much and the beans dey make am mess (fart) for anywhere wey him go including the house of God. Him dey pollute the House of God with mess and na big sin, infact as i dey talk so, God dey vex with am and he get 7 days to stop the beans and mess or calamity go befall am''. Oboy! I com become celebrity oo. I com begin attend prayers for vessels(people wey dey prophesy). I com dey form diffèrent things dey talk as prophesies, after some months, prophesy finish,
i no see anything form again. Dem com begin ask me wetin happen, i no fit give reasonable reason. Dem com conclude say i don dey fcuk dats why the spirit of God leave me (me wey i be virgin), as i hear dat one na him i open up tell my mother everytin wey happen, the woman vex stop to dey attend the church. She say all of them plus including pastor no dey see or hear anything from God, say dem for don know say na lie i dey talk since.
Till i com your way again, don't fight anybody. 

Mama T.

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AMEBO NUMBER THREE
BROS AND THE GBOLA


Stella I hail you and all the bvs in the house. So this gist isn't about me, it actually happened to a friend in Lagos. 
According to this girl, she de go wherever she de go for Lagos, na him she com enter one of these big buses wey some passengers go sit down, while others go stand for the  middle of the bus. So she sit down for the seat wey de close to the middle while one bros stand beside her. The bros wear shokoto abi na kaftan them de call am. 
As them de go my girl notice say something de press against her hand, the thing de firm and warm, but she no fit make out the thing. She try to ignore, no way, she look she no see the thing and no be bros hand becos bros hand de for up wey he take support himself for bus.

 This girl talk for her mind say ( like Madea would say) I sure say no be gbola bros take de rub me so, becos gbola suppose de trouser and if e de trouser she no suppose de feel am like this. 

Meanwhile bros just bone like say nothing de happen, if she shift, bros go shift near, she go say bros shift na, bros go just shake body but e no de shift. She try to ignore but she no fit, once nai babe just from bottom raise bros kaftan up, immediately na im  she shout "make una see wetin this man take de rub me o" . 
As everybody turn, see bros gbola de completely for outside, nothing de the trouser at all. 
Na there everybody for bus begin yab Bros , trust Yoruba people na, as them face am with hot hot cuss and nicknames, nobody know the time wey bros take come down for the next bustop. 
Na my tori be that o... See you next time...ice


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AMEBO NUMBER FOUR


THE EPIC INTERVIEW AND THE BREAST MILK

Good day Mrs. Stella. How you dey? I trust that you are fine. This gist I am about to tell you. Hmm. Well, I hope my friend doesn’t kill me as he is an ardent reader here as well. Make e no be like say I sell my bestie for N5000, I no go mention name. Eheheh. Okay, here is it. At the end of this gist, I hope it will at least make someone out there smile at our own ‘Monday Predicament’. No be your own worst pass o my brothers and sisters out there.
My friend and I are both unemployed. 

We graduated in 2012 and up till now, no job. (I do some script writing jobs though, when I have the chance as I am gifted at it but it has not been rewarding. Naija System). 
Hmm. This happened last Monday, a day which my friend now call the worst day of his life. Eheheh. We woke up early to go for a job interview which was slated for 7:30 am. We got to the venue quite on time. Well prepared for any question the interviewers might ask. Even if na from heaven, we were determined to provide answers. Our ties were longer and sharper than two-edged swords that we were so sure we would get the positions. We have applied for the positions of a Customer Care Representative and an Administrative Officer respectively. 

On getting to the venue, Sister Stella, come see crowd all because of two positions. My friend was almost crying and I remember I was encouraging him that it doesn’t matter the number of people vying for the positions, we will be the best candidates (Even though inside of me, fear done drain me myself).
Let me tell you at this juncture that we had no actual transport fare for the two of us to return home. But I had N80 with me.
The so called interview did not commence until 2pm. 

Everyone was already exhausted and trust we job seekers, none of the over two hundred of us left the venue. We all had thought the ‘intentional’ delay was part of the interview. We just kept smiling at the officials of the company as they passed. My friend was already crying of hunger because we didn’t have anything to eat for breakfast. Kai. We too suffer that day. I told him I only had N80 on me and going out to buy anything could be disastrous because the interview may begin at any moment. Make I no be like the five foolish virgins Jesus spoke about. He agreed. As for me, na fasting I dey. Eheheh. He planned to buy N20 roasted corn and the remaining N60 for our T. Fare (Though we go still trek a long distance before we could board a bus for N60 for the both of us).
Eventually, the interview commenced. The first thing we noticed was that people began to come out of the interview room within a short time. The second was that none of them had smile on their faces. 

Dem just they frown like say na beating dem dey get inside the interview room. Finally, it came to my turn. I was number 165. I entered and the first question one of the interviewers asked was do you have any work experience as a customer care representative? I said no but I have a year experience as an Administrative officer at the office of the Registrar in a higher institution. The woman looked at me and said ‘Just one?’ I replied, yes. The other man said ‘Alright. Please ask the next person to come in. Thank you. Have a nice day’. In my mind, I was like. Oh God of serendipity! That’s all?

 When I got to the door, I turned back and asked the woman. Excuse me ma. Is that all you would like to ask me? I am a graduate of English language studies from a reputable institution and I am confident that I will excel as a Costumer care representative in your company. I am hardworking, honest, friendly bla bla bla’. The next thing I hear na. ‘Next Person Please! I shame komot. My friend was the next. I shook my head as he walk past me because I knew if he experienced what I just experienced, he was going to break down when he came out. Lol. I have no word to qualify exactly what happened. When he came out, and he walked up to me, the first question he asked me was ‘Abeg, na where I go buy that roasted corn!’ I couldn’t help but to laugh loud. People began to stare at us as we walked out of the company premises.
We got outside and after a few walk away from the company, we found a corn seller. 

We bought N20 roasted corn and we began the ‘long walk back home’. He attempted to eat the corn while we trecked but I insisted that he should not eat corn on the busy road until we get into the bus. After a long trek, we finally board a bus. He was the first to hop in. He sat beside a woman who had a crying baby on her back. Obviously, the baby was hungry. The bus moved and I heard the woman’s friend asking the woman to feed the baby. She removed the baby from her back and was about to br**st feed the baby while my friend also brought out his ‘precious’ roasted corn.
I have never witnessed such coincidence in my life! This was real. As the woman uncovered her br**st to feed the baby, the baby sucked for a moment and refused to go on. lol. The moment the baby withdrew his mouth, that was the same moment my friend was about to take his first bite on the corn.

 Milk sprayed from the woman’s br**st. LIVE! And landed on my friend’s roasted corn and face.
Eheheheh. Aunty Stella. Laughter can be a bastard! I giggled so loud that the driver glanced at me through the mirror. The woman apologised immediately but you won’t believe what my friend did. He just left his hand hanging with the roasted corn soaked with br**st milk. The woman offered to wipe his face, still my friend remained like a statue. At a point the woman did not know what to do. She and her friend apologised but my friend no gree blink eyes. I intervened by telling the women it was okay. When we finally got to the bus stop. I swear na me draw my friend komot for bus. Come see as I dey laugh as we walk through the street that leads to the house.
Erm. Abeg. Help me appeal to blog visitors out there who have job openings. Things are so hard for us at this time. 

We can do any job as long as it puts food on our table and we are able to feed our siblings. Please. Somebody help.
I’m sorry I took your time with my epistle.
Stay blessed, everyone.

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AMEBO NUMBER FIVE

ORIEGWU!

Sdkork and Sdkorkites hail ooo. na me bv Haney don land with amebo again ooo.

so one afternoon my neighbour A come say make i escort her go collect

mortar for our landlord wife place say she wan pound yam as her bf wan

come visit her. me sef happy small say at all at all i go see small

poundy chop. as per say our landlord compound no to far from where we

dey na im i come comot with my bum short wey i wear follow A go there.

after every A come give me my own share of poundy, make i siddon

dismantle am i come hear knock gbam gbam gbam for door.

shuuu. who wan break my door for me? i reach outside i see mrs

landlord tie headtie for waste. rumour has it that she was a student

that lived in that compound before oga landlord come knack am bele and

the rest as they say is history.

she begin warn me say she no like as me and A where bum short come her

house because her husband no dey take eye see woman. i come apologise

say  e no go happen again. she come say make she go A place go warn am

too. as she reach A doormot she come see landlord slippers. 

she roll eye give me me sef collect the eye roll am back give am. na then i

come know say na oga landlord be the boyfriend wey A dey pound yam

for. she open door enter the room. me sef set my antenna dey expect

drama. my people of God, Mr and Mrs landlord came out peacefully some

minutes later  the next day A park comot for the house. this is the

end of my story. dry shey? rme

Haney

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AMEBO NUMBER SIX

BARBIEDOLL AND THE DRY SMIRNOFF GIST

Una doh oo efribori
I remembered something this afternoon and i decided to share
okay come with me.

Disclaimer:  am not a comedian so dont expect to laugh o talk more of laugh till you piss for body oo.

So some few years ago during my SIWES, one of the staff in my place of work carry me go cinema on a weekend. Should i say that period was my first actual stay in lag, so as we were driving go oo, bobo stop for fuel station to buy fuel, wetin my bush ibadan sef go say at the sight of cold drinks...."ehn ehn lets buy drinks here naa, dere drink dere is too expensive, they sell drink shey na 300 abi 400 cant remember ojare. Bobo no mind hin say no probs.

so dats how i cum down, i picked fanta, then i saw bobo pick sminorff, naso it entered my eye, i have tasted it b4 but couldnt remember the taste but i no say na sweet something heeeehheheheh, darris how i drop fanta pick sminorff o, shook inside bag.
We reach cinema buy ticket, buy popcorn enter muvi, i begin chop popcorn sip smirnoff watch movie. the sminorff sweet well well like palmy, i finish am shap shap. All of a sudden i started yawning like a fool- what happened, is the film boring bobo asked.. no ooo is very interesting i smiled back. My head had been in one position as i shifted it like dis everything became double double,eh egbami oo....on top one smirnoff, e no tey i started laughing like a fool even wen nothing was funny...movie i no enjoy i was just restless. i know i made a fool of myself in front of bobo that day. he must have bin thinking which kain Ibadan geh be this... since then i never use my mouth drink sminorff ah it wasnt funny oo

Has something like this or similar happened to anybody before? Have you ever had any date gone wrong? lool

PS: have been an ardent reader of SDK, infact one of the pioneers of BV birthday post (the first set) hehehehe *fansSelf*
i shall RE open my blogID soon, u guys shld show me love oo n yeah plus cusses too
My blog ID Is barbieDoll *thinking* abi make i look for a "funnier name*....watch out..see ya catch ya lerra

*sidesEyes*